In short
This compilation episode of Distractible (“Best of Bob: Part 1”) stitches together Bob’s most memorable bits. It opens with a Lemonati vs. 7up “lemon propaganda” theme, then moves through recurring comedic “what would you do?” scenarios: surviving a disastrous gas-station bathroom after eating freezer-burned meat; impersonating Ronald McDonald (then Wendy’s) to force a manager to remake the right milkshake; and escalating revenge fantasies (e.g., aquarium glass-knocking kid, Olive Garden waiter, “Candy Uncle” deaths). Other segments include a “Chapstick vs. container” debate, a rant about funerals and open-casket hypocrisy, and a no-verbs retelling of “Bob’s Fridge.” Key claims/examples: lemon/lime are controlled by a shadow organization; “boiling eggs” is retold via absurd historical “recipes”; mining “keeps you in the mine,” destroying families.
Guests
Mark (Markiplier/Mark), Wade (Wade), and Bill Simmons (host intro).
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOThe Lemonati Conspiracy
0:00 to 0:45
Explore the humorous conspiracy surrounding lemons and limes.
“For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows.”
Best of Bob Introduction
1:52 to 2:14
Introduction to the Best of Bob segment and its quirky themes.
The Farmer's Plot
2:15 to 3:03
A bizarre story about a farmer and a tractor involving dark humor.
“I watch as a huge timber framed thing falls down from the farm's rafters onto the farmer.”
College Cooking Misadventure
3:04 to 4:06
A humorous tale about a college student's culinary mistake.
“I lay there, inhaling smoke, knowing what's going to happen.”
The Road Trip Disaster
4:07 to 6:29
A comedic recount of a disastrous road trip involving bad food.
“So a lot of the times I'd get the almost out-of-date ground meat, and I would freeze it.”
The Gas Station Bathroom Incident
6:30 to 10:34
A hilarious and mortifying tale of a gas station bathroom experience.
“And this is where stuff really goes downhill.”
The Ronald McDonald Interruption
10:35 to 12:34
A comedic plan to confront a fast food restaurant as Ronald McDonald.
“Do face makeup, do the whole thing, get the wig, all of the stuff.”
Impressions and Animal Sounds
12:35 to 14:01
A light-hearted discussion about animal sounds and impressions.
“Okay, you go back to your car and you get the Wendy wig and the blue.”
Camel Land and Family Politics
14:01 to 17:40
The hosts discuss a funny scenario involving a camel and a political rivalry between siblings.
“I want you guys to understand, neither of you got what it was, but it's a camel.”
Camel Land and Family Politics
17:41 to 18:26
The hosts discuss a funny scenario involving a camel and a political rivalry between siblings.
“Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music.”
Show all 18 chapters
Creative Restaurant Solutions
19:22 to 26:30
The hosts brainstorm absurd ideas for dealing with bad restaurant service, including using a 'candy uncle'.
“You're already at the restaurant and like it's, it would take so long to get somewhere.”
Unexpected Aquatic Encounters
26:31 to 28:00
A comedic exploration of how to handle annoying children at an aquarium in over-the-top scenarios.
“Oh the jellyfish exhibit It's all dark in here.”
Debate on Chapstick and Containers
28:00 to 29:50
A humorous debate on whether chapstick can be classified as a container.
“You've probably seen it used more recently than you think.”
Bob's Rant on Funerals
29:50 to 32:00
Bob shares his candid, comedic thoughts on funerals and their social implications.
“defense they were tough to answer Bob Funerals.”
Bob's Fridge Retelling Challenge
32:00 to 34:28
A challenge for Bob to retell a story about his fridge without using verbs, leading to hilarious results.
“Do I get a script or synopsis or anything?”
Humorous Cooking Advice
35:35 to 38:38
Bob and the hosts discuss various humorous methods of boiling eggs, blending history with comedy.
“Mommy says I'm not allowed to use the stove.”
Life Reflections and Mining
38:38 to 42:06
A poignant exploration of life experiences, mining, and family legacy through humorous storytelling.
“Yes Oh, there's a fire and there's water boiling in a stove.”
Reflections on Mining and Family
42:06 to 43:30
A poignant reflection on the impact of mining on family life and personal identity.
“and miners still dress like it's 1863 and no one has invented clothing in the last...”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Bob Muyskens:For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around, lemon forward sodas, even lemon forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them and squeezed out the truth.
0:19Bob Muyskens:That's lemon propaganda right there. But now 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Join the 7up rising. Flip the sip. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects.
1:02Bob Muyskens:And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. This episode of Distractable is presented by T-Mobile 5D Home Internet. Okay, how do you guys know when someone's really your friend?
1:29Ethan Nestor:I don't know. I don't know. But I do know that T-Mobile 5G home internet's got your back with their fast speeds, easy 15-minute setup, a price for any budget, and five-year price guarantee. Visit T-Mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data. Exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5D internet data Exclusions like taxes and fees apply Service delivered via 5G network Speeds vary due to factor affecting cellular networks Guarantee exclusions details at T-Mobile.com slash home internet
2:02Bob Muyskens:Verily we return to the vaults Up to the plate comes a bodacious man With a brilliant plan It's time for Best of Bob Part 1
2:14Ethan Nestor:Dear Penthouse Ford I can't believe it happened to me The farmer showed up and I know what he's up to He's feeding me the good shit And I know what that means This is my last day on this planet Unless I do something about it Somehow I escape from my pen And I find the keys to a tractor So I climb up in the tractor And I'm gonna run the farmer over For some reason my girlfriend's there She's just a stack of hay What the fuck I try and run the farmer down but he dodges it I crash into the barn A lantern spills onto the ground. The oil goes everywhere. Flames. Fire. I fall out of the tractor. There's no way out.
2:56Ethan Nestor:I watch as a huge timber framed thing falls down from the farm's rafters onto the farmer. He's dead. But so am I. I lay there, inhaling smoke, knowing what's going to happen. And I'm back in the museum. What the fuck? God, I hate this disease. All right, let's continue, shall we?
3:20I'm caught between these two, but I think I'm gonna go with this one. The life cycle of a butterfly.
3:27Ethan Nestor:Egg. Caterpillar.
3:34Ethan Nestor:Cocoon. Butterfly. I make it come back, it's gotta come back. Uh, eggs. Mwah! Mwah! When I was a sophomore in college, I lived with some roommates in an apartment, and I lived very cheaply. And my favorite thing to do was to get ground beef that was, like, just about to expire. Because they mark that shit down. They basically give it away. When I was younger, I didn't understand the idea that stuff could spoil even if it was frozen. So a lot of the times I'd get the almost out-of-date ground meat, and I would freeze it. I'd be like, good, perfect, frozen in time. I still have exactly, you know, I have two days left before it expires.
4:22Ethan Nestor:And just one time I did that, and I like forgot about it. You know, sometimes you just find stuff like way in the back or underneath. I found this pack of ground meat, and I could not remember when it was from. It was all freezer burned, real messed up. And I was like, sweet, it's frozen. Can't possibly have gone bad. I got a big road trip tomorrow, so I need a good dinner tonight. And I'll wake up bright and early and I'll drive over, see my buddies in Indiana at Purdue University. And so I made myself some delicious spaghetti bolognese with this ground meat. And as I was cooking it, I had a little bit of a thought where I was like, hmm, smells different.
4:56Ethan Nestor:It doesn't smell bad, but it smells different. That's weird. But that's not going to stop me from enjoying my cheap dinner. and then i was eating it and i was like tastes different but i don't like where this is i ate the whole thing because i needed some delicious hardy dinner for my big road trip in the morning and uh woke up the next morning bright and early at like i don't know 10 o 'clock whatever was early for me when i was in college and hopped in my car and started on my way it was like a few hour drive from cincinnati over to where my buddies were at school and i started you know had some tunes on in the car, whatever, cruising on the highway.
5:35Ethan Nestor:And if you've ever done that drive, there's fucking nothing in Indiana. Like, there's huge stretches where it's cornfields and nothing. No gas stations, no bush, like nothing. Like, flat fields and a road. Which is kind of nice. Not a huge deal. Unless, when you're right in the middle of one of the most desolate stretches of the drive, you start to get a little flippity-floppity action going on in your lower stomach regions. I don't know if you guys have ever had body shakingly violent diarrhea, but have you ever experienced the start of that? Yeah, I'm sure we all have. You're just sitting there, and something inside of you is just kind of like and you just start to get that feeling, right?
6:25Ethan Nestor:Yeah. Oh yeah. And I was trying to listen to my body. I was trying to let it tell me what it needed and be a responsible caretaker but there was nothing i swear to god there weren't even exit ramps it was a straight highway for hundreds of miles that you could not get off of for any reason i couldn't find a gas station and i'm sitting here time is passing half an hour passes the flip flops in my stomach are getting more aggressive it's feeling like it's wanting to go somewhere right it wants out and i just can't find it yet i can't find a gas station or anything rest stop nothing beads of sweat start forming on my forehead finally after i would say about an hour of not finding any place where i could stop i pull off i go there's a little small town not far from the highway and they have a gas station and i'm like yes fuck yes made it and it's one of those i don't know if you guys have ever had this experience where and i didn't realize this until i was already inside the gas station's like around back it's like an exterior door to the building you know and they have like a key you have to get the key from the guy at the gas station and then go so it's the least convenient type of bathroom so i go in and i'm frantically in this store in this gas station just like where is it where is it where is it i don't see one i go up to the guy and i'm like do you have a bathroom and he must think i'm out of my mind on drugs or something i don't know what he thinks because i'm drenched in sweat panicked clenching just i don't look Good, I imagine.
7:54Ethan Nestor:And he's like, yeah, we got a bath. You need the key. Here's the key. You okay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's fine. Just give me the key. Take the key. Scramble out around to the back. And this is where stuff really goes downhill. I'm fumbling with the key. This is where? It's been a great story so far. Happiness and joy. Everything is contained up to this point. But at this moment, I'm approaching the toilet. I'm almost there. The pain in my stomach is just really intense. I get the door open I get it closed behind myself and I start like Frantically grasping at my belt and everything and there's there's an almost beautiful almost enjoyable Moment of release That happens right then my pants are still fully on and I'm trying to undo everything and get get onto the bath the toilet And it feels just it feels joyous, right?
8:45Ethan Nestor:Cuz finally the pain is is subsiding Finally, I get to do what I've been wanting to do for an hour, and it's relief. Until I realize that I'm standing in front of the door across the room from where the toilet is with my pants on. And it's bad. The relief quickly turns into absolute horror, and a realization that there's not enough one-ply gas station bathroom toilet paper in the entire universe to fix the problem that I have now created for myself. Turns out, I want to get this podcast banned from, I don't know, platforms. What happened to that bathroom has got to be the most unholy shit that I have ever been a part of.
9:31Ethan Nestor:I don't even want to describe it, but I had to give the key back to that guy. Like, he's the only one working, right? It's a small town guest. it. I had to walk up to that dude after having been in the bathroom for 45 minutes because there was, I had to, there was cleaning that was attempted. I had to, I had to get myself situated so I could be in public. I left my underwear. They were gone. I never saw those boxers again. They were sacrificed. And I had to walk up to that dude after being in the bathroom and he knew I was in the bathroom because he gave me the key. And I'm sure he was sitting there just like man i hope that dude's not doing some crazy shit in our bathroom i hope he's not doing like drugs or something terrible god and i just walked up to him on the way out and literally looked him in the eye and gave him the key and just sort of nodded couldn't bring myself to say anything and fucking drove off wow i would love to know that reaction that that guy had i can't imagine all right anyway bob how would you give what should i do uh so you've just got your order you're sitting in the mobile whatever the spot where you wait where they bring you the wrong food because that shit never works quite right you always get the wrong something or they don't give you the sauce for your nuggets or whatever it's always disappointing when you get delegated to those spots what you do is you move to a normal parking spot so you're not inconveniencing the next people who are gonna have to use that spot go to the trunk of your car and you get out the ronald mcdonald costume and clown makeup that you keep tucked around the side of the spare tire in the well of the trunk of your car and you get fully made up as Ronald McDonald.
11:15Ethan Nestor:Do face makeup, do the whole thing, get the wig, all of the stuff. And then you just march confidently into the store and you walk up, you cut in front of anyone who might be in line. You walk up to the cashier and you say, I need to speak with your manager. This is a cloud inspection. And then when they get the manager and the manager comes up and they're like, no, I, the regional, I know Dave, he's the regional manager, and you say, WHOSE CLOWN NAME IS ON THIS CLOWN RESTAURANT? IS IT AN INSPECTION? And you force your way back into the kitchen, and you find the meekest looking teenager who's working there, so that you know that they'll listen to you, and you single them out, and you go, YOU!
11:56Ethan Nestor:SHOW ME HOW YOU MAKE CHOCOLATE MILK CHEEKS! And they go, uh, we're out of chocolate, actually, right now, and you say, WONDER YOU BETTER MAKE SOME MORE! Ronald wants a Chucky Shake! And you scream at them until they make a new batch of chocolate milkshakes. You go through all this and once they do it, you get, you're not trying to ruin this one individual employee's day. So they do it and you're like, good job! And you give them like a star on their name tag or something, whatever they do at McDonald's. And then you just storm out with your big clown shoes. Go back to the truck of your car, wipe the makeup off, put your regular clothes back on, go back inside and order your chocolate shake.
12:31Ethan Nestor:Cause now they have a whole batch of chocolate shakes and you get what you want. They got a little reality check from the clown himself and nobody gets hurt. Sir, this is a Wendy's.
12:46It's really very specific.
12:47Ethan Nestor:Okay, you go back to your car and you get the Wendy wig and the blue. Here we go.
13:09I can't help but feel like that's a little bit more challenging than the cow. Why does he get cow and I get Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs?
13:19Ethan Nestor:No, you know what that was? That was Tyler six minutes into a hard laugh. You're right. Here, I'll play it again because... Please.
13:40This is a real animal. This is a real animal. I want to qualify. These are all animals, okay?
13:45Ethan Nestor:I also think it kind of sounds like a donkey. You forgot how donkeys are supposed to sound. Is it weird? My first thing I thought was Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs. Is that what the second half is? Mark starts falling down the stairs. I'll hold your impressions because there's going to be another point. the board. I want you guys to understand, neither of you got what it was, but it's a camel. Oh. There's a lot of stairs in camel land. God, this one stopped. If I really go over this, I feel like this is gonna physically hurt me. You both just did it together. You both did it.
14:26Ethan Nestor:Yeah, is that it? Did that do it? That felt good. Did it? I don't think it looked. It didn't look like it felt good. Oh, no, it felt better than I thought it would. Next article. There's nothing about this article, really, but I want you to hear the title. Florida Senate race. Randolph Bracey slams sister for running against him in Orange County. Like, purpley? Like, they fucked? Or, like... That's it. Okay. Randolph Bracey, huh? Slammed sister. For running against him. What's her name? Lacey Bracey? I don't know. I didn't read the article. I'm just looking at the title. What was his name? Rudolph?
15:06Ethan Nestor:Randolph. Randolph. Randolph. There's nothing else about it. It's the slams. Are you focusing on the names or anything else in the title? I've actually got a local citizen here. Sir, what was your name? Uh, I go by St. Nicholas. Yeah. Old Rudolph Bracey. I was actually going to have him lead my sleigh tonight, but he told me just before we were about to take off. He's running for Senate apparently, and he's on the naughty list, so that's not likely. Not likely. His sister, though. I'd slam her. Alright, anyway, Santa Claus, everybody. Thanks so much for the interview, sir. Yeah, Santa Claus lives in Florida.
15:54Ethan Nestor:He retired to Florida. That's where he spends the offseason. Did I do it right? Yeah, you sure do. I call for one more coin toss. No more topics. And if I win the coin toss, I will at least give you that this is a fair episode. All right, okay. If I lose an eighth coin toss in a row, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I got to be honest. I don't know. I will allow you to pick the method by which I flip where I flip, what I pick it up with. I would like you to do what you've basically been doing. Start with it on top of your hand in camera and just do like a thumb flippy like you've been doing.
16:35Okay.
16:36Ethan Nestor:And just have it land on the desk. Okay, on the desk. And then just tell the honest to God truth what it comes up as. I will move my monitors out of the way and I will point my camera at it without touching it. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I'm going to flip it in camera. It's going to go straight up. I'm sticking with heads. Sticking with heads. Heads. I've never lost with heads. Are we ready? Three, two.
17:11Fucking no way! Eight points to nothing! Mark, you might just need to call this before he comes back. He's really mad. No, it can land the other way. I don't know. Wade, call it. I'm scared. Oh, let's go heads. Okay. It's not cursed for you.
17:30Bob Muyskens:I don't know what's going on.
17:35Bob Muyskens:The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Now lime comes first. 7up. Flip the sip. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu. And the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured.
18:20Bob Muyskens:You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app.
18:26Ethan Nestor:This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. It's that exciting time of year when big sales are on and I forget who I am and what I'm doing. I don't know what happens to my brain on Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Stuff pops up, the numbers go down, and monkey brain takes over, and I gotta have it. Well, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitor your spending, and help slower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has saved users over$2.5 billion, including over$880 million in canceled subscriptions alone. Their 10 million members save up to$740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features.
19:14Ethan Nestor:Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash distractible today. That's rocketmoney.com slash distractible. What you do is you don't leave. You're still going to eat. You're already at the restaurant and like it's, it would take so long to get somewhere. It's not like you're going to save time going somewhere else, but if you want to speed up, you go out, step out, excuse yourself, go out to the car, grab your eight ball of cocaine that you keep in the car purely for planting evidence purposes go back inside ask an employee where the bathroom is and look kind of lost and wander your way back to the employee locker room you notice the name on the waiter's name tag before all of this started so find the locker that has their name on it stick that in there go back to your table get the manager's attention let them know that you saw some white powder or substance or something on a waiter's nose and you have some concerns they're behaving erratically whatever cops will be there in 10 minutes you'll get a new waiter service will be impeccable the manager will see to it that you get everything you want so that you don't do anything crazy and talk about their coked up waiter who wouldn't bring you your drinks and appetizers i got another option mine involves okay in this universe your close personal friends with Vin Diesel.
20:42Ethan Nestor:You call Vin, you tell him you're at a restaurant where they claim that when you're here, you're family and then he gets outraged for you and Vin Diesel comes into the Olive Garden and just starts shouting at everyone, it's about family! And then they're all like, Vin Diesel? And your service is actually way worse, but Vin Diesel's there. Alright, that's an option. Alright, what you do is you reach into the novelty pumpkin Halloween candy container that you use as a purse and you pull out cans of SpaghettiOs that you always carry with you just in case and then since it's Italian food nobody notices and you just eat cold SpaghettiOs right out of the can.
21:21Ethan Nestor:Cause you're family. I thought you were... Alright, this Olive Garden is on the moon. You're inside where nobody has spacesuits on. You look at your waiter when you finally get her attention and you say hey excuse me i think one of our party is outside trying to find the entrance would you mind peeking out the door and letting them know how to enter the restaurant and without thinking they go to the door and crack it open to peek out but they don't have a space suit on and they get sucked out into space and they freeze to death on the surface of the moon and then you get spaghetti from someone else all right well done i think that's pretty good does any of that solve your problem all of them solve it all of them solve it problem solved forever i can't believe you did an entire episode about olive guard all right we got some more bob let's go back you're in the peach in the claymation movie james and the giant peach you're the spider james is the waiter what you do is you kill him that's it before we get any further into this can i just say um i have bad news huh why can you see how wet my pants are mark can you see how wet they are oh you know what's an even better illustration than my pants being wet oh no look at the chair it is wetness on the edge of the chair it's wet i could not live with another episode of this i couldn't do it it's already cold i enforce the piss pants rule Do you need a moment to clean up?
23:00Ethan Nestor:No, I'm not. I'm not cleaning anything. My punishment is that I will continue to sit here and do whatever needs to be done to move on. Is it on your floor? Like, do you need to wipe up your chair? Like, it's on the chair, but it's not on the floor. You know, maybe a little pet cleaner might be a good idea. I don't know. It wouldn't hurt to do just a little bit. This is like an everyman's way to emotionally manipulate your kid into not eating too much candy. It's a company called Candy Uncle. And the entire service is based around the idea that you tell a kid if you eat more than one piece of candy, something bad will happen.
Read the full transcript
23:41Ethan Nestor:Keep it vague. The thing that's bad that happens, though, is turns out Uncle Jeremiah, who just randomly appeared shortly after the birth of whatever kid. Right. uh uncle jeremiah's around a lot stays over a lot uh when you create the situation where you tempt the kid into eating too many candies uncle jeremiah mysteriously dies oh that's the bad thing you just rent uncle jeremiah from from candy uncle hangs around a little they can make the rounds right uncles aren't always there yeah candy uncle can serve upwards of eight to ten families all at the same time as long as they're in the same region yeah candy uncles just drive from house to house, spend a little time, bring some, you know, small gifts, trinkets, toys, whatever, kid stuff.
24:26Ethan Nestor:Yeah. And then at the appropriate time, you just make sure you schedule it with your candy uncle. They're around. The kid eats the extra pieces of candy and Uncle Jeremiah bites it. Lesson learned, simple, clean, great business model. You know, actually, that's so fantastic because number one, it's just genius. And number two, they don't know that things are directly correlated one to the other but they'll assume it is you know because they've always heard that something bad will happen if they eat too much candy and then uncle candy candy uncle dies suddenly and tragically and violently i hope no yeah it's gross it's very graphic it's a lot like what you described right but you yeah come upon the kid and you're like wait wait yeah did you did you eat an extra did you eat an extra piece of candy and uh and you're like come with me and and you bring them into the room, the staged room, with the candy uncle.
25:21Ethan Nestor:There's blood, vomiting things. Like they're super graphic, super moist death. Oh yeah. I was assuming that it was like, you know, they ate the piece of candy, you're like, oh, how could you? Oh, I hope nothing bad happens. And then the next day they get a call. What? No. To shreds, you say? And then it's closed casket funeral. Very sad. It costs more to have a fully dressed candy uncle death live in-house. Yeah, that's more certain. But that's the different levels of service that you can offer, right? Yeah. Oh, this is great. A distant candy uncle. The kid gets to know them, establish the connection, and then dies over the phone.
26:01Ethan Nestor:You can have dies in front of them. You can have, as the kid swallows the piece of candy, violent, traumatic death. Like the kid is swallowing the candy. Uncle walks into the room. Boom! Chandelier. Direct correlation like as the chocolate is melting and running down their throat They're swallowed the kid is like god. It's good. Yeah dead uncle That's a strong message, but that's harder to organize it costs a bit more Yeah You're at an aquarium having a lovely time best time look at all the fish. Oh the jellyfish exhibit It's all dark in here. You see them all they're glowing. It's so cool walking through all right Then you hear pink pink pink pink.
26:43That's an odd sound. Tink, tink, tink, tink. It's getting louder. Tink, tink, tink. You look behind you. There's someone could be a little kid just Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink on the glass everywhere. Every single exhibit. Dink, dink, tink on the glass. That's illegal by itself probably. How do I solve this even more illegally?
27:03Ethan Nestor:Obviously you were going to the aquarium so you slung Maui's magical fish hook on your back before you headed out the door. it's not made of metal and it looks decorative so when you're entering the aquarium and you walk through the metal detectors everyone's cool with it they think you're just goofing around the little shit behind you starts knocking on the glass you take maui's fish hook off your back turn around transform into top half shark bottom half legs so you can still stand there look at him with your weird shark face and go yes and the kid is like what what and you say you knocked right and the kid goes what and then you bite his fucking hand off and before you turn back into a human you swallow his hand and you say don't fucking knock on my fucking glass and then you just turn back into a human and walk away kid will remember that lesson for the rest of their life I feel like this is a thing I just either have never heard of or don't use.
28:02Ethan Nestor:It's where I'm at right now. I'd be shocked. Yeah, you've heard of this. You've heard of it. You've probably seen it used more recently than you think. Chapstick? It is. And I put some on while you were doing this. How the actual fuck is chapstick related to lotion or sunscreen? Those are liquids. Well, I could see it being related to that. Also, how is that not a container full of chapstick? You completely got me off of anything that was like lotion or deodorant or chapstick when you said it wasn't a plastic container filled with something. Did he ask that question? Yes. I asked if it was a container and his answer was, oh, not really.
28:42I don't think of it like that. No, the primary part of it is not a container. The primary part of chapstick is the chapstick.
28:48Ethan Nestor:It is a container filled with a material. We've all, I don't know. I went through it. Mark and I went through it. We did the best we could with that, man. I didn't hear that question. I didn't hear that one. I feel like the container one totally shut off the realm of a bottle of lotion. It was a tough question. Like you could see it was a tough question to answer. It's not. No, I don't actually. If you ask me if Chapstick is a container, I would say yes. It has a container because it has a lid. I think my answer was it's not primarily a container because the primary part of Chapstick is the stuff you use.
29:20Ethan Nestor:No, you said that about something else. specifically I wrote down that you said I know kind of I don't think of it as a container I don't I mean it is a it is specifically a plastic tube containing the chapstick I get that I get that or a thing of lip balm in a little container which by the way could be made of metal but that one's not that strong of an argument okay you know I wasn't thinking of the little handheld lip balm that was a fair item but I do feel like a couple of those questions really fucked me they were tough to answer for my defense they were tough to answer Bob Funerals. Oh, yeah.
29:58Ethan Nestor:Let me just stretch the anger out a little bit. Don't even get me started on funerals. Did I not give you enough while you were alive? Did you not take enough of my precious time while you could reciprocate anything? Let's not even get into whether you did or did not ever say thank you for the countless hours of my life I gave to you. grandma coming to visit spending the holidays with you eating the food you made for me to make me eat it's awful don't get me started on funerals like those people need any more attention only the most narcissistic selfish unbelievably self-centered people would possibly think that What they need after they have left their family mourning and just torn apart is a party for them.
30:57Ethan Nestor:That's who's important at that moment in time. That's what everyone wants. And open casket funerals? Please. Oh yeah, I'm gonna die. And then I want you to dress me up real nice. And I want you to do my makeup. And I want you to pretend stuff my cheeks with cotton balls. Pretend like they're not all sunken in and then come look at me and talk to me like I'm there. Yeah, that's fair That's fair to everyone. I need that in the afterlife I'll really enjoy that I'll drink it up like a delicious salve on my soul. That's fair. That's good Miss you grandma Oh man, having been to like a hundred funerals.
31:40You know what Bob that was spot-on I agree. That was spot-on. I think I think he's got it. Selfish bastards It's unbelievable behavior coming on over here. So one of the episodes of all time of Distractable was Bob's Fridge. So we can't do a whole episode on it because this is a one-man show. We have other stuff to do. So I need you to do a super fast retelling of Bob's Fridge, but without using any verbs. Do I get a script or synopsis or anything? No, no, no. You get to have lived it and retell it from memory. Yeah, but no verbs. And what do you think, Mark? We should put like one minute on the clock for him.
32:14You can have more than one minute we can give him it's a long story You know, well, we'll just give him like if he runs on too long like it shouldn't last longer than three minutes But we'll give him some time no verbs.
32:26Ethan Nestor:It's gonna be hard, but I think I can do it. Maybe you got it Oh, hey, we're here to get oh hang on. Uh-huh Right now. Oh, never mind. Oh got it. Yep
32:46Ethan Nestor:Oh! Fridge. Two guys. Front door. Me. The... The one guy. Oh, no! Oh, thank you! Side yard! Two guys. Fridge. Yeah, perfect. And then the bush! The The Inside The bush The bush The fridge The bush
33:24Ethan Nestor:Oh What's that Oh no Oh the water shut off No no no It's a noun You're right you're right you're right okay I got it okay you're good A new house? I don't know. It should be water shut off. Make this here.
33:45Ethan Nestor:Sorry, bush.
33:51Ethan Nestor:Did I, that part? Yeah. Anyway. I don't think that's how you did fridge house. Right? Thinks a verb, isn't it? I think. Not when I do it. Um... That's not a good answer. Anger. Just...
34:17Ethan Nestor:One acceptable! Two guys!
34:26Ethan Nestor:Fridge. That was beautiful. Oh, man. I don't remember what... Not that much actually happened. I was just so mad. I kept talking about it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's amazing what verbs will do to pad time out. That was good.
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35:28Bob Muyskens:You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app.
35:34You are going to explain how to boil an egg.
35:39Ethan Nestor:Mommy says I'm not allowed to use the stove. I boil an egg by getting an egg out of the fridge and putting it in a plastic bowl. And then I fill the bowl with water. And then if you microwave that for like 11 minutes, it's boiled. Wow, Bob is better at this game than I ever could have imagined. Ugh. All right, that was it that was a very generous that was like a lob first serve there's so much old you can go from there
36:13Ethan Nestor:Bob older back in nam what we used to do If you didn't have fire you had you get bamboo everywhere You chopped down the driest bamboo you could find you get a little fire going You take your you take your hat your helmet because it's metal right and you put that over the fire You put your eggs in there and we didn't have clean water. So you filled it with piss and you boiled your eggs and piss. That's what happened in Nam. You sound like some kind of Jack Nicholson hybrid, man. I don't fucking know, man. How does a Vietnam War better than talk about boiling piss eggs? I don't know. A great play.
36:52I immediately understood your age. Fantastic. All right, Bob, what's your play?
36:57Ethan Nestor:You know, I ate boiled eggs outside of the Appomattox courthouse when Ulysses S. Grant surrendered to the Bluecoats. And I didn't know what for cooking, but I saw the womenfolk take them eggs over to the fire, toss them in a pot of boiling water, then pluck them out one by one with their bare fingers. That was the tastiest spoiled egg I ever ate in my life. Tasted like victory. It's a lot of vigor for a Civil War vet, but... Wait, Civil War vet? How old? That's... Is that not Ulysses S. Grant? Surrendered at Appomattox? Is that not... No, you're right. I'm just thinking of how old a Civil War vet would be right now.
37:40Ethan Nestor:Very old! All right, okay. All right, Bob, what you got? Setting. Early 20th century. Like, 19-teens. We're inside a newly discovered and recently opened pyramid. I'm a young doctoral candidate who studies ancient languages, And I've excitedly calling my professor over. Dr. Dr. Winthrop! Look! Doctor! Look! I think I've broken this one! This right here, this, these symbols, I think mean, egg of a chicken. This, this is the symbol for a, of a, of a vessel. And it appears to be filled with, with water. I think water. W-wine is different. This is water. A vessel filled with water! And the chicken's egg into the vessel.
38:20Ethan Nestor:And then this, this over here, this is a great fire. They put the vessel with the egg and the water over the great fire. What could this mean? Well, what did the Egyptians know that we don't and that is the world's oldest recipe for boiling an egg Incredible Wow astounding. I have an idea. Okay. I have an idea. Are we ready? Yes
38:53Ethan Nestor:Oh, there's a fire and there's water boiling in a stove. Oh, oh, oh, wow.
39:04Ethan Nestor:It's been approximately seven minutes the actual time to boil an egg.
39:15Ethan Nestor:Oh, the Androthals were approximately on the earth something like 300 ,000, 400 ,000 years ago. I concede, man. I'm on the hill boy. It's dark switch the sunglasses a meteor say a prayer get naked but whole son feeling great Celebration beans. Mm-hmm. Oh, wait, you know what my friend mark. He's kind of crazy. I call mark
39:51Ethan Nestor:I'm like wait the White House I called the White House I'm like hey Mr. Barrett You know don't get in here we're getting in here Look at it! Nothing happens and I'm like wait then You're doing anything's lost! You're getting a cold-fed affleck and I'm like hey You're gonna have three before four now I'm like I'm not a space mayor I'm a friend affleck And I'm like oh wait you're late it's my job I'll throw my cul-de-r-a-poll and run down the hill to the launch pad where the shuttle is ready to take me up and meet the meteor in space
40:34I'll give you a point
40:36Ethan Nestor:I'm on the hill dark sunglasses meteor prayer naked butthole beans time beans beans don't work I'm Mark, Mark Whittier, nothing happened. I'm Whitehouse, I'm Whittier, nothing happened. AJ Frost, I'm Whittier, look, Vicky Affleck, run out of the helm, get a facial, and nothing happened. Got a chainsaw, get out of the chair, and nothing happened. More Vs, more Vs, more Vs. No! I'm not like, oh my god! As hard as I can! Gah! I don't know anything. Oh my god, how did I just get spit on my glasses? What is happening? What are your thoughts on mining? Yep. Analyzing. It's irrelevant to our everyday life.
41:33Ethan Nestor:It's a random topic. Don't even get me started on mining. You know who mines? Miners. You know what miners talk like? Oh, cinnamon and gravy. Oh, what happened? Gus chickens? Could you live with that? I grew up in a town of miners. Every fucking adult talked like that. Could you imagine that life? You know how hard it was for me to learn how to talk normally like a human person like this? Don't even get me started. And the clothes. It's the 21st century. and miners still dress like it's 1863 and no one has invented clothing in the last... Look, it's not even about that. I just wish my dad had been around.
42:23Ethan Nestor:Yes, he needed to provide for his family. Yes, mining is a job. No, earning money at the company store is not the same as living the American dream. It was a hellhole and we were all trapped together. The mine was was supposed to be your way out, but it turns out work will not set you free Work will just keep you in the mine while your son's at basketball practice Wondering if his dad's gonna see him make a free throw this weekend Spoilers! He's not! The mine took my father, the mine took all six of my brothers And the mine took my life away from me Even though it didn't kill me because I escaped by sheer luck and happenstance A grifter picked me up on the side of the state road as I was wandering away from my father's funeral.
43:13Ethan Nestor:Don't even get me started on funerals. And he happened to drop me off in the beautiful land of opportunity that is Cincinnati, Ohio. I made me who I is. And now I almost slipped back into minor speak. Don't you let me do it. If I talk like that ever again, I want you to slap me in the face and drive a pickaxe through my heart Because I don't want any part of me to remember what mining is or what mining does to people Or ever of how many brothers I said I have six I think it was Why are we digging holes in the ground in 2017? What's the point? I'd be more worried about lighters if I were you. Thank you.
43:57I want to hear more about that story. That's just, I'm captivated by that life.
44:01Ethan Nestor:My dad didn't even dig in the mind. He was the canary.
44:12Bob Muyskens:Watch new episodes on Spotify. Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweet Greens Fall Harvest Menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels, and crave worthy flavors in the autumn harvest bowl, maple glazed salmon plate, and roasted bacon Brussels side. The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweetgreen featuring fall's best dressed. Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work?
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