Best of "Guam" (Compilation)

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0:34Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. This episode of Distractable is presented to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet.

1:16The folks over at T-Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home internet according to the experts at UCLA Speed Test. So if you want the fastest 5G speeds with a five-year price guarantee, Visit t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on UCLA speed test. Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved. Guam! Guam! Guam! Guam! Guam! Guam! Guam! Guam! Guam! Guam! Guam! I'm here in Guam! What are you doing right now? Something stupid. Yeah, I agree. I'm getting out of here. Let's leave.

1:54You and me wait. Three, two, one. Whoever leaves first wins. Wow. Wade is clearly right there. Neither are a few left. Editors, send me to Guam! What does Guam look like? I'm in Guam! Put me in Guam. Yeah, I have no idea what that - Why do you look like you're underwater? I don't think Guam is underwater. Put me in Guam! Look at all this Guam! Is that offensive? No idea, probably. I feel offended. You know, to be fair to Mark, I looked up Guam and the first image was a beach. Oh, pretty close. Guam is a U.S. island territory in Micronesia. Because I know there's a military, a lot of military presence and John, who was on an aircraft carrier, they would dock there and that's actually where he spent all of COVID.

2:39Oh, these guys are, they know the future. Guam's World War III significance. Oh, wait, that's two. That's a two. I can read. Wait, no, read that article. It was there for a blip. Yeah, you got to remember it. Guam's World War III significance is on view. and coming soon. Oh, God. I made that last part. Oh, I thought it was not a boob. North American boobs. Woo! Yeah! American boob! Editors, black out his camera for a little bit. No, I was going to say editors, snip that out and send it to Molly. American boobs! Woo! Molly, let me feed. Yeah, okay. Now black screen, black out Wade, and Mark and I will just talk for a minute.

3:21Fade me out. Fade me out. All right, perfect. That'll be worth it. All right, anyway. So, Bob, listeners, there's nothing you're missing. I swear to God, there's no reason to be any kind of upset. Wade, your shoulder's still in shot. Wade, you can come back now. There he is. That was cool. All right. Well, you can't tell because I just finished a level, but I was playing Flow Free. You know, this is a bridges one where you have to go over and under the bridges. What is that? Are you sponsored by these mobile games like I don't know no they don't like Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of distractible where I am here I keep up camera one on me on me.

4:05Hey, my co-hosts are here. They've been here this whole time I was here. I never left frame. I was just turning on my beautiful light to be fair I didn't know what you were doing. So I was covered for you. Guess who's in Guam Um... Me? Editors, wait! It's like a lifetime license. It's like, yeah, so over my entire life, I would have probably never used all the sounds in there, but man, I gotta get it this time. Could just start putting extra sounds into videos and stuff just because you got them. Yeah, I mean, that's basically what we do in YouTube and here on, uh, editors, hit them with all your sound effects.

4:44Whoa! Honk, honk. Wow. Whoa! Easy there. Now my fade out sound. I don't think. Now my fade in sound. A bunch of guys. More than two. There he goes. Oh, wow. I'm glad he's gone. I hope he never comes back. I don't think Mark has gotten more than a quarter of a sentence out of his mouth without Wade just jumping in on something. A bunch of dudes who before the FDA was the FDA spent years, and I mean years, eating food with a bunch of things that they thought was deadly, but they didn't know for sure. Any kind of chain, any amount, any configuration. And those things can do random ass things to biology.

5:36And who knows what they can do? They could do nothing. Most of them just do nothing because your body just like doesn't even interface with it and purge it. So F-E could be, oh, no. Bob, did you get that one? F-E is iron. Oh, no. I'm saying it's bad. I don't know. I don't know. Wade, disappear for a second. I need to talk to Bob. Disappear for a second. I got to talk to Bob. Peace off for a second.

6:01So Bob, was that a smart joke that he made or was it? I think the concept was good, but then the punchline was confusing. He just faded back.

6:15It's still funny to me. I'm so glad that's staying through the whole episode. You've reached this apex where somehow you have found success and you have money. My God, that's me. Now Bob's gone. Editors, can you make the whole tub just blow up? Cut out this part. Our highest produced episode ever. Now that you're done working on Iron Lung, we need the full editing team to blow up Mark's bathtub. Get an M80, get a green screen, go in your backyard, film a practical explosion for our cinematic experience of a podcast. Listen, viewers, you're not, or listeners, you're not missing anything this episode.

6:56There's nothing you need to be watching for. There's nothing. Oh, wait, if you only guess within the 21st century, that'll probably help Mark a lot. Probably. Look, it's like me trying to stay in Russia whenever we were playing that other game. That's true. I don't know how many times I told you it was all in the US. Yep. Put me in Guam! God, that was funny. I love that short.

7:23How's it going, everyone? Boys are back. Welcome to another episode of Distractable. Yay! I'm today's host, Wade, joined by Mark and Bob, who also faded in with me. How you guys doing? Good! I was trying to match the energy. Was that not the energy? I'm stupendous. That's good. Anything new? I might explode. Oh, I will give you 10 points if you explode randomly on camera.

7:51I don't know if edited in. Editors, can you make that bath that bathtub markings to be an explode again? This episode is brought to you by T-Mobile 5G home internet. You already know the T-Mobile 5G home internet is ridiculously easy to set up with a price that doesn't feel like you're getting scammed every month. But here's something new worth noting. T-Mobile now has the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test. No, seriously. Their 5G home internet speeds are officially the fastest, which means that when you're downloading all your movies that aren't mine, every single one except for mine, you'll get them at the fastest speeds possible, along with all your video calls and uploading files and maybe even streaming something in the background, you know.

8:37And yeah, it is still a great value. backed by a five-year price guarantee so your bill doesn't slowly creep up when you're not paying attention so if you want the fastest 5g home internet with a simple setup and savings that actually stick head over to t-mobile.com home internet to check availability today price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply fastest based on ootless speed test intelligence data second half 2025 all rights reserved let me explain it to you in words in a way you can understand editors like help me out with this one pretend my head is your car editors now delete my head peekaboo that's your car well i think i think the tweet was right wade's cars in the ocean editors put mark's head in the ocean look at all the guam i just i don't know where it is this is you know that thing that mark was using to keep track of points it's an e-ink writing tablet thingy and there's a little marker on the side this is the one that has color obviously has the yellow also I don't know what I just flashed on there editors make sure it's horrible put it in Guam you influenced me and it's awesome anyway shut up shut up shut up the both of you I'm not living any I'm agreeing with you mark you're right I'm not living any younger wait disappear anyway that was my car buying experience it was fine it looks really smooth.

10:04Uh-huh. So we know this never happened. Okay. Because that's not how you got your car. It was on a boat that sank. You swam down to get it out and you drove it out from Atlantis. I thought it was on a boat that sank. Thankfully, it was not. And someone on the subreddit will provide a picture that is just as realistic as yours of this occurrence that I'm describing. So we won't know what to believe. Hmm. Subreddit, get on that. Defend me. I've never said that before in my life. I don't know if you have. Specifically, subreddit defendme, maybe you haven't said. Subreddit, redrown me. Subreddit, put Wade's car in Guam.

10:44It's a convertible. All the Guam's getting in. It probably was. It probably was Guam. Isn't Guam a place? I'm thinking guacamole. Which one's which? Oh, same thing.

10:57Sorry, Guam. Guam's gonna be real pissed when they hear this. He called us guacamole. Wade called you guacamole, just to be clear. Hey, actually, look, listen, we don't have to. Oh, okay. Hang on. Okay. It's the next one after this current episode. I almost got handshuck. I wasn't listening. I didn't hear none of that. Bob, you want to do a deal? All right. Yeah. Mark's gone. Let's make a handshake deal. Editors, peace Mark out. Fade him out. Oh, no. Yeah. Adam Savage is a bastard and having tools within arm reach is dumb and also a little beta behavior. Let's be honest. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.

11:36Adam, we know you're a big fan of the show. I'm sorry. Well, we're not a big fan of you. Get out. Well, I don't know. Hey, I'm not with it. We all speak for each other here. Editors put him on an island because he's alone. Put him in Guam. I'm here in Guam. I'm so sad why Guam was the ocean. It's fine. It's not important. It's fine. The lost city of Guam, also known as Atlantis, apparently. I have a counterpoint. Oh, yeah? Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self.

12:23What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes

12:34I guess I should be going like this Oh no I should not do this towards myself I want to throw this out there What the fuck? Why do you have a knife? Oh hi Wade, you missed out on a lot I clearly did We're in a knife fight right now Well don't worry, it won't matter Because I'm the only one who matters here as the host Editors, put Wade between us My left, Mark's right Don't do it There's points on the line You shouldn't Wade, are we stabbing the cricket? Should I stab this way? Everywhere, all directions, get them It's all me, always has been I'm cutting myself out of this podcast

13:17I'm going to Guam Bonk Hi, Guam!

13:29I'm just in my office. I didn't go to Guam. Thought you guys could get away. Fire. If I say warmer, it'll misguide you. So I'll say colder. Oh, fire's clearly hot, you idiot. God, you got me. You're right. You're like, fucking editors kill me. Editors, kill them in Guam.

13:50I wish I had time for games One day you'll be your own boss And you can do what you want to do I hope so It's almost done though right? Yeah actually I like how people on the subreddit On my subreddit are just sometimes like If it's almost done like he says What do they think I'm doing? Jerking off In Cancun It's Guam Eeny meeny miny mo Let's go for a walk boys Oh man I went early He's gonna know how to he's gonna know how to beat this. Yeah, look, here's my hobbit hole. Keep it up, Mark. He'll eventually play. Hang on, I'll catch on. Hang on, wait, do it again, do it again. Wait, you don't get to see what I got.

14:29I already I already rolled. Oh, he played Eeny Meeny Mighty Moe, but with rock, paper, and scissors it looks like... All right, track this, editors. Ngh, peace me out. That's paper, you win. I'm gonna put on the wheel, preemptively, mentioned Mark's height the most. I'm winning! Wait, is that good or do you lose a point for that one? We don't have many minus points, so let's make that a minus. That'll be a minus. Kinda like when our heights are compared. Ha ha ha ha ha! Huh? I don't know, just laugh! No one's laughing. Editors, no! Please! Take the studio out of here! Ha ha ha ha! Put him in Guam!

15:09Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Ha ha ha ha! Don't you like me to do phone things? Yeah, can you look up what the origin of mukbang is? We could transition this to a restaurant. Didn't work, guys. It didn't work. I brought it back, so I was the first callback, right? Oh, Mark accidentally pieced himself away, editors. Mark needs to be invisible now. That's gotta be a rule of the next council. If you ever make this, your camera has to disappear. If you happen to do this for some reason, you peace out. And he excitedly wheeled around to try and catch the plans that I tossed and he smacked his head on the wall of the jail and collapsed into a heap.

15:50And then in the background you just hear, Hey Trappo!

15:56Triggered locked down the whole jail. To clarify, when you say wheeled around, he's not in a wheelchair, is he? No, no, that's a phrase. No, no. He's wheeled around. He was like, It means to turn around quickly, doesn't it? I just pictured in Trap-O just for some reason a wheelchair. That's not funny, by the way. All right, put Mark in Guam. Put me in Guam. Fortunately, I knew of one power that could get me out of this situation. I raise one finger first, this finger, and then I raise the other to the security camera, and I say, editors, put me in Guam. The teleporter activates, and I zip out of there.

16:34Unfortunately, Guam is located at the deepest depths of the Marianas Trench, as far as I know. So I found myself trapped in the depths of the ocean. Fortunately, I was a live streamer who had a 24-7 stream going on and my views were jumping like you wouldn't believe. All I had to do was escape Mariana's Trench and I would be cemented as better than Entrapo. Unfortunately, due to some past misjudgments and misdeeds on my part, The only platform I was still allowed to stream on was X. Fortunately, after I failed my escape attempt and died, Grok will be able to keep me alive in people's memories, escaping random bullshit nonsense forever.

17:23Thanks, AI. Editor's note, Grok did not actually help Mark in Guam. Little did you know. He didn't help him in Guam. He just recreated his likeness so that he could live on forever. I feel like Grok's the no-butt of improv, isn't it? In a way, in a way, in a way. Everyone needs that.

17:45Mark, you got points for... Bistaka? McTriple? No, not that. Smorgasburg? Look at all this Guam. Handsome point. Treaty of Westphalia? Tungsten? Full of cream? Devastation? without everyone in it, only toot who, up my ass and kill me, fucking kill me. That's the episode. Congratulations, Wade. Thanks, man. Is this winner's speech time? Yeah, I would like all you to inject your speeches with another disclaimer to not do anything that we were even remotely. We weren't even suggesting it. It's all dumb. Yeah, if you research chemicals and... Alright, that might be the worst winner's speech I've ever heard in the history of this podcast.

18:34Bob? You did it. You're the victor, and I'll prove it to you by telling Wade to go ahead and give his loser speech already. Hurry up. And now, the end is near, and so I face my final curtain. My friend's - No song lyrics. I lost, I'm over, and I was funny. Peace.

18:55Anyway, that's it. Wade's gonna host the next one, because he's a bajillionaire now, because he wins the squid game. thanks for playing thanks for listening thanks for watching podcast out and i'm dead i'm dead in guam put me floating in guam uh all right well thank you guys that was it all right there he goes that was an entertaining episode uh bob goes from not even being here at the beginning of episode to taking it all and i think that is hey and wade left and wait now wade's gone it ends as it began. Thank you Bob, who is also known as MySkerm on YouTube and Twitch. Wade, thank you LordMinion777 or Minion777 on Twitch and YouTube.

19:42Thank you everybody so much for being a part of this podcast experience. Be sure to follow it or we'll kill you. Have a good day. Podcast out. So any last words? What is the deal with this? Are we like deleting our channels or how serious is this Because loser deletes our channel. I got a good feeling about this one. The last words, is that what you said? Mm-hmm.

20:10For those only listening, Wade made a peace sign. Which means fade me out. Can we have Little Lixian on the show, or is that a your channel exclusive type deal? No, he goes wherever he wants. But you might have 50-50 chance of getting lunky, though. That's the danger. All right, that's your winner's speech. Bob. Oh, it's really sad to see it all come to an end this way, but in a way, it's also really good. We're back, we're full circle. Back where we started, eating chicken and dumplings like old times. More like the one old time anyway. Just wait for the next skit video on Not Mark's channel because he's deleting it, called The Rise of Slender Man.

20:42We're gonna smear peanut butter all over somebody's face and they're gonna be the king of the somethings. We'll work it out later. Anyway, editors have this blowed all up. So, we're done. Podcast out.

20:58Are you Guam-ing, Mark? Yeah, are we Guam-ing? What happens when I do two? Do I go double Guam? You disappear from where you are and you reappear in Guam. Take me to double Guam! Wow.

21:13Double Guam. You know, the editor's just like, What the fuck? This is double Guam! All right, we're out of here. Peace. Podcast out. That's it. I forgot.

21:28This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Traditional home security only alerts you after a break-in. And that's too late. SimpliSafe is changing that. Stop. This is SimpliSafe. Police are on the way.

22:08We don't just alert. We stop crime before it starts. SimpliSafe. Plan starting around a dollar a day. Save 50 % on your new system with professional monitoring at simplisafe.com slash Spotify or with promo code Spotify. Outdoor deterrence requires a SimpliSafe Active Guard outdoor protection plan starting at$49.99 a month. Visit SimpliSafe.com slash licenses for alarm license information. Tennessee 2012.