Best of James (Compilation)

0:00This episode of Distractable is presented to you by T-Mobile 5G home internet. The folks over at T-Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test. So if you want the fastest 5G speeds with a five-year price guarantee, visit t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speed Test. Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved. From mini-me to paternal pride. Yes! Yes! It's time for Best of James. You got a baby! Oh, yeah, that's right.

0:40Also, there's a baby. Wow! James. His name is James. James! I don't have to call him baby anymore. He has a name now, legally. James. That's a good name. Man, what would you think if I said it wasn't a good name? Oh, does James pay his taxes yet? Do you know tax season's only three months away, little James? Listen, Daddy takes care of the taxes, okay? James doesn't have to worry about that. Is that the whole point of having a baby to pay your taxes for you and stuff? I don't know what you've heard about babies, but no. No, don't even entertain them about this one. No, straight up no. I thought they change your diapers when they get old enough to get out of their own, and they pay your taxes for you, and I don't know, work so you can retire.

1:16So you had the critical ideas of old enough on their own, but what is that age that you think it is? After they emerge? You think that's old enough on their own? After the, what's it called? The great emergence? The emergence. Yeah, emerginging. That's why it's the emergency room. Yeah. Yeah, they got all these pregnant ladies in there doing their emergencings in the emergency room. I get it now. Mm-hmm. Medical jargon is so lost on me. I saw a turkey. I hate turkeys. That was so big that nobody believed that it was a turkey until they inspected it for themselves. took James to a fall festival, like a farm.

2:03Like, right, you know, it's a big Midwest thing. It's like, oh, it's fall. Let's do a corn maze and go in the pumpkin patch and we'll have like, yeah, activities and stuff. And we went to this place. It was really fun. They had a bunch of cool play sets. The first moment we were there, I did have made a parenting mistake. They had this big thing that was just like a big hill and you could run. It was sort of like a hill where you were supposed to clearly run from one side to the other. and there was like a path but then the sides were very steep you were not supposed to go up or down the sides you were supposed to go over the path like and james started going up that and i was like oh that'd be a good picture i would because i was like i'm trying to take pictures we're doing this fun thing with james i want pictures of james and so i was like he won't be fucking crazy for 30 seconds i can let him run up or down this hill really quick so i let him go and i'm like i'm just gonna go around and take a picture and i like have my phone out about to take a picture He's on the very top of the hill and he looks down at me and he just goes And tries to like run down the steepest fucking He took like two steps and then just Piled at the bottom and it's it's busy this is right by the entrance So there's a there's a bunch of other people doing the hill and people And just in the middle of all that James is just fucking eating so much I just I put my phone away Going to go and pick him up And he's like I'm okay Let's do this stuff Because he doesn't want to like go home He was It was fine I was like he can do this right Did you get any of it Like a photo collage of God I fucking I wish I didn't even get all the way To like I was like trying to get the camera open and I was like, huh?

3:54And then just, anyway. It's warm out now. And that's really fun for James because it means we get to go back to the playgrounds and stuff. And we did that yesterday and he had a hell of a time before it got cold. When we were going to the playgrounds, like the end of last summer, he was walking, but he was small enough that it was kind of like, we had to chase him around basically. Cause at any moment he might just like fall off an edge or do something crazy. And so we would, and he's like really independent now, which is awesome. But I forgot one important fact about the playground that we take him to a lot.

4:27It's like one of those old school, like wooden castle style playgrounds. Super fun. There's an area with a really fun slide. And he was, I was letting him climb up on his own and go up there to go on the slide. But right next to the slide, they made this feature where it's like tractor tires stacked up and the middle of the tractor tires is a hole down all the way to the ground. And you're, it's meant for kids to like climb down the tires, like their ladders. And then there's like some chains and like it's for climbing, but James is not tall enough or coordinated enough to climb on something like that.

5:04So I let him go up there and then he, he got to the slide and he was like, slide big tires. And I was like, what do you mean big tires? because it's like up on the second level and I'm like what big time and he went and he's like leaned over the hole and I was just like I forgot that was there oh and I ran and dove under the bottom of it and was like face up under the hole and I was like go down the slide and he just looked at me for a second it was like oh yeah slide all right I won't jump down the suicide hole yet like it was the one because when we got to the playground i was like all right let's see how this goes and he started climbing on his own and i was like this is cool he's so he's having so much fun and then he was like i'm gonna go on the slide and started climbing up and i was like oh man big tires like whoa fucking shit why did they put why they put a jump hole in this play said god anyway he's fine uh and he went down the slide about 20 times he would just but like half of the times i continued to let him go up on his own and like half the times he'd get up there and be like big tires and i had to be like we're going on the slide buddy remember the slide yeah but anyway it was super fun and only twice did i almost think he was about to break his entire self jumping down a big hole for no reason onto hard ground below.

6:31Also, he threw a lady her cell phone. Oh, really funny. This poor mom was chasing her kid around who was more in the needs adult supervision, very directly stage still, younger than James. And she like went down the slide in front of James, like frantically like, ah, where'd you go, baby? And her phone fell out of her pocket on the top of the slide. And James is just sitting there with this stranger's phone in his hands, just like, hmm, mine now. and she's at the bottom of the slide like give me my phone baby give me my he like contemplated and everybody eventually he was like oh okay and tossed it down the slide and it was very nice but i thought i was about to have to go wrangle my son from stealing a stranger's cell phone at the playground i thought you were going to be like oh you found us a new phone thanks baby and then like leave with it now james ask for money for this oh yeah i'm gonna earn way more points I have a very funny update.

7:26All right. I can't wait. Sad updates aren't worth nothing. Okay. James is refining his comedy and it's really fucking funny. So James, James likes to tell jokes and a lot of his jokes are set up punchline, something really quick. Usually he'll do like a fart or something or be like whatever. But he has realized he likes getting the laugh and he's, he has learned like, this is what got me the laugh. Right. So he'll do a joke and he'll be like, ah, and then I farted and everyone's like ha ha very funny like ah and he'll be like and then I farted because he's like laugh some more right he's like working on it but obviously you can't say the same punchline twice in a row that doesn't work we're comedians we know that so last night at dinner we've seen there and James just is like eating his food and he looks over at Mandy and he goes mom Your cheese and my and Mandy's like why am I cheese and he's like cheese can't talk

8:26Okay, what's dad and he goes dead your crackers I like oh cuz crackers goes with cheese and he's like crackers can't talk All right, if mom is cheese and dad is crackers. What is James and he goes hmm I'm scared because mom and dad are cheese and crackers and we lost our shit like it was very funny I had a good laugh and he was just like soaking it up like that's the funniest thing I've ever said I mean he's right and I said and we've been trying to teach him about this right so we had the laugh it was good and I looked back at him and I was like okay James mom is cheese and dad is crackers what does that make james and he was like oh can't say the same thing what do i say i'm afraid and then he went through every word that he could think of that was like scared to get back to the same punchline it was so funny it's probably much funnier because i'm his parent like i get that that's maybe not the most genius comedy thing that's ever been crafted but he is working on he's like really actually working on his timing and he's like experimenting with how he's doing pun it's very funny to watch him like figure it out in real time it's actually super impressive too he's thinking of like synonyms and wordplay like that like that's crazy he did it a bunch i think he did i'm scared i'm worried i'm upset i'm what did he say i'm nervous I'm something he did like One or two other ones he knows a lot Of words that's funny And impressive and he's just turned three Yeah just turned three Yeah when do we start rationing names was that in the 90s Overpopulation Please sir can I have some middle initial I just want to name my daughter Dorothy We don't even want to have a last name I can give you door That just cause there's a story Doesn't mean I like my name why did you call me Door I can give you door and a hyphen Just talk to your brother, Jam You guys are a pair And no, Mandy and I are not going to name our daughter Dorothy Don't worry, Chad Also, we don't have a daughter That's a hypothetical daughter Do you have a secret daughter that we've never known about?

10:49No Man, that would really prove some favoritism going on If you keep going on about your son With all these stories about your son It's like, oh yeah, also There's a daughter somewhere in there James is so great James, James, James Guys, can we count on the number of times we've heard James? What about Door? Oh no maybe we'll go back and be like oh my god he's been saying door all along and we thought he really into hardware oh my god door wouldn't shut up last night like man this dude's doors talk a lot what the hell at 26 minutes when we play james backwards it's actually doors the favorite well that's gonna start some funny rumors oh james is well it's not fair to say this james is almost potty trained james is wearing big boy underpants so that's pretty big that's huge and he went a whole day yesterday with no accidents or anything he's in the potty like a real dude he pisses everywhere about door door sucks i don't want to talk about that i think it was kind of an accident but it ended up happening on monday of this week we've been trying to potty train james for a while and it started with just like we'll just let him sit like we'll let him sit on the potty we'll try and catch him and there are a bunch of strategies that are really intense like one of the strategies is he just doesn't wear pants or a diaper and whenever he starts peeing or pooping you just grab him and go and run to the bathroom which sounds like the most insane shit i've ever heard of but the the strategy that we have gone with is set a timer for like it started at 15 it's at 20 minutes now you set a timer and you slowly lengthen the timer and every time the timer goes off, James goes to the bathroom so that it's like he hopefully doesn't have an opportunity to go in his diaper.

12:33You get in there and if he sits and if he goes, he goes. If he doesn't go, it's fine. It's like you make it fun and you have like books and you hang out and he gets rewarded for going and being good. Is this like Pavlov's dog in this when he goes to school one day and like the bell goes off for next period? He's like, oh no, the timer. It might. Okay. We're unsure about the Pavlovian things that we're building into our son. but this is one of the methods that like it's online people are like it works but i trained my kid in one week but he's been doing really good he likes it generally and he does generally what he's supposed to do but he does not care if his pee is aimed into the toilet and so if you're not paying close attention because like i sit him on there and i get him situated so it's good but he sits there and he wiggles and he does stuff and he might stand up and sit back down and by the time he actually does go to the bathroom a lot of times you're just standing there and all of a sudden it's just like ah get that aim it down but he's doing really good and he's making progress gotta get potty trained so he can be ready to go to preschool because he's a smart kid and he's gonna need more mental stimulation he needs he needs to learn he's pretty much only happy if he's learning shit which is awesome but exhausting when it's like okay it's 45 minutes It's still bedtime.

13:52I'm exhausted. And James is like, tell me about every animal in the Sahara. And I'm like, God, I only know like five. That's why you did so good on the animal part. Yeah, no, I literally, the Quetzalcoatlus, I know, Quetzalcoatl, whatever, that dinosaur. I know so many more animals than I ever did in the rest of my entire life. Because James will just be like, tell me about animals. And I'll be like, well, what about penguins? And he's like, I know about penguins. Keep new ones. God, I don't know. I gotta go study. I wasn't ready for the pop quiz. That's delightful. Just make up animals. That's dangerous.

14:35Do you remember shit? That's true. I mean, authors do it all the time. Have you gotten into mythical animals yet? Not so much. That actually is an interesting thing. He sort of, developmentally, he's starting to get to the place where he, like, he understands that stories exist in like other worlds kind of but he really doesn't get that all stories aren't just like things that happen in real life all the time so the crate like we manny and i both really like nightmare before christmas classic movie yeah enjoyable movie terrifying for him he loves the music if you just play the music he's all this is it is a terrifying But like the visuals of the movie and the characters of the movie, he is immediately just like, ah.

15:20We had a thing where we just, we showed him like, Nanny showed him like the first minute. And after stuff started happening on screen at the very opening of the movie, he was like, it's scary. It's scary. And for like a week afterwards, every time he went to bed, we like do the whole thing. He's all happy. We read books. We put them down. We're like, all right, good night, dude. And he's all, I'm scared of Halloween. and we're like it's not real it's okay it's a movie those guys can't hurt you the timing's bad because halloween's right around the corner so that's probably probably gonna work but like stuff he sees in real life that might be scary to other kids he's actually pretty chill about like he thinks we go to like menards and home stores and stuff and they have those huge witches and things and when we're at the store he's like ha giant witch and he thinks it's awesome But in movies and stuff, like if it's too creepy or like Nightmare Before Christmas is very like stylized.

16:13But if that existed in real life, that would be scary. I would agree. But I was scared of Billy, the guy with the sealed mouth. Oh, yeah. He was scary. Yeah. Wait, how old was James? James turns three in December. Oh, so he hasn't achieved consciousness yet. True consciousness. All right, Bob, what's going on in your life? Who are you in debt to? Mafia? oh lots of people so we recently visited family in iowa that we were discussing uh generally and this is like a theme that comes up in james likes bluey and there's a several episodes in bluey that deal with like pregnancy and stuff and we were trying to explain to him like what a pregnant lady is right we were talking and it just sort of came up and so it's like oh who's pregnant is mom pregnant whatever but we were trying to be like no no buddy when a when a person is pregnant when a woman is pregnant, it means that they have a baby growing in their belly.

17:07And so you might not be able to tell, but like, if you, like, if we, if you see someone who's pregnant, you need to be careful, right? Like they have a baby in the belly. You'll be careful with the baby. It was just a discussion that we had and it was going on. And the way things do with like kids just trying to like teach him stuff. So we got to the belly gets big because the baby gets big. and james looks at me and is like maybe a dad's belly and i was like oh no no no uh dad dad's just fat that's a confusing distinction for you sorry buddy uh but but it was like a funny moment but it wasn't everyone was not in on it so then after we get back from that trip we're at dinner at with mandy's parents and james is talking and they're like everyone's paying attention to james at dinner at a restaurant and out of nowhere he just starts talking about babies and he's just like pregnant ladies babies baby in the belly no dad's just fat and manny sparrows did like a spit take it was the funniest fucking thing because like out of nowhere unprompted he just like remembers the conversation that we had and now he just does that he'll just he'll just walk up and hit me with the like no dad's just fat and then walk away and everyone's kind of like you taught him that i'm like i know i taught him that this is exactly what i was hoping would happen that's so funny anyway he's gonna be a funny kid that also brings up the point of like whenever you move out of some place what makes it difficult is the memories you have there so one of the hard things about leaving our previous house we obviously have a lot of good memories there because we were there for like five or six years but um the last time we got to hang out with zombie who passed away and person was at the house and like i we remember like seeing him sitting like on our couch like on his laptop and stuff like that and it's like oh we're leaving that memory behind so like there's also the people like that have entered and left your lives if you have memories with them in a place that can make a place feel like home and it's harder to leave it behind um or just memories you make over time the longer you're in a place the more memories you have like the harder it is to leave that because that feels more like home than a new home can for a while.

19:22No, it's funny. Both of you brought up stuff that definitely connects with me. So we lived in California only for like four years, basically. And we lived in two different places there. So we weren't in the place we just moved out of that long. But that was the house we lived in when James was born, right? Like that's where we brought him home from the hospital to that house full of the grandparents were all in town that's the first place he ever ate you know food and like there's a very strong even though it's he's only yesterday he turned eight months old he's not even a year old yet like most of his life is connected to that place so like yeah i'm doing okay i'm pretty good uh we finally don't have people in our house and i don't know what to do about it.

20:16It's like, can I sit in some peace and fucking quiet for a second? I don't know. I can come over if you want. Bring James. Yeah, sure. I like James. And James really likes Molly, so that's fine. Yeah, he loves Molly. And whoever Molly's husband is. That's pretty much the other. Dude, listen. He's gonna be a problem. He is a ladies man, and he can... I wouldn't say he can barely walk, because he's like running now. Yeah, that's true. He did full out loops around me yeah no he's got blue eyes blonde hair he's a big flirt he's always flirting with girls that are older than him at the playground his instinct if he sees any it's any kids but he gravitates towards the girls but especially if they're like five to ten years older than him he immediately just walks up and it's like hi i'm james you want to hold hands he's gonna be like eight years old trying to go to prom well i think he had the day of his life one time we're at a park it was mostly a little kids park but there was a group of like high school girls that were like just hanging out off to the side just sitting talking in a circle and he was doing swings and whatever and he saw them and ran right over and sat down in the circle and didn't even introduce himself just sat down and they were all kind of like and just kept going and like included him because he was just a cute little kid and he just sat there and was like it's working

21:44my dreams are coming true and that's pretty much it for me well i have james small talk you guys want to hear about more joys of having a child always fascinating times in the world of james he's he's uh he really loves mark you i think in one of the previous episodes you talked about uh the movie k-pop demon hunters in the weekend immediately following when we recorded that i uh happened to watch it and i uh i agree with your take it's pretty good movie it's just enjoyable because we watched the movie we were playing the music and we just like played it for james he fucking loves the music from that movie he uh he really likes golden and he really likes soda pop he's like dancing more than he's ever danced before anytime it comes on he starts dancing and the there's like the drop in uh i forget which one but the one where it's like we're going up that's in golden he like when the drop is coming he's up and he goes ready ready we're going it's really funny and that's very cute and very fun and uh so to balance it out uh this is the other thing that he's doing a lot lately we were in the car and he was just screaming and not like angry or sad or anything he was happy and he was just going and like it was a lot and eventually i reached a point where i was like man how do i stopped that from happening for a minute and I just sort of was like hey buddy what are you doing what hey James and I get his attention and I finally got him his attention and he looked at me and I was like yeah okay what are you doing and why and he just goes I'm buying because and I was like you know what he fucking he answered me directly I cannot fault him he knows exactly what he's doing and he's really committed to it and so i've had a headache for about a week and a half um but it's it's still pretty funny but that one is way more unpleasant because he really does just scream a lot right now it's fucking loud but he's having a great time so like it's hard to complain it's the quetzal quetzal cotless north ropey it's a dinosaur bird you know what quetzal cotless is wait how did you know what that was because i know what the fucking quetzal cotless because it's a kind of dinosaur thing and James likes dinosaurs.

24:17I didn't know we had dinosaurs on this list. I'm not going to lie. I didn't either. As per usual, we're going to start today with small talk. I want to go first. This morning, James' son, one-year-old had gymnastics. And I just want to say, baby gymnastics, pretty wild. Very cute though. Turns out one-year-olds are crazy. Like climbing on the walls, doing somersaults, balance beam, backflips. There were balance memes. There's, I like, they have the whole rage. There's a balance meme that just sits on the floor and then there's one that's like six inches tall. And then there's one that's like four feet tall that like looks super dangerous.

24:51It's fine. And there's like rings and they do somersaults and, uh, James, uh, ran face first into another child today. They clashed foreheads. They're fine. He was upset for a second, but then there were bubbles. So he's fine. But anyway, uh, I was one of four men in the entire building and it was an interesting experience one of the men worked at the place one of the men was a dad who left because they were in the class before us and then i think there were was one other guy there wait how big is this facility because four men in a place seems like a reasonable number of people in the class before james's class there's because they're separated into like age groups there were probably 20 ish kids and each kid has a each kid has an adult with them, right?

25:34So it's a kid and a parent. So there were like 40 people, 20 kids, 20 adults, all women, except for one, one dude in that class. And yeah, so in James's class, there was maybe more like 15. What is the purpose of gymnastics at one years old? I mean, it's not competitive, right? The point is you're teaching them how to walk around. It's a place where they can work on balance and motor skills. They, they learn things like how to do, how to do somersaults, but you help them do somersaults. And so he's learning how to like control. He has to tuck his head. He has to stick his arms out. It's like helping develop motor skills in a more fun way.

26:11They just run around and climb on stuff. How is your day or recent week or recent life as you guys? Really funny today. James met Santa today. He did this last year, but he did not remember. And he was kind of scared of Santa last year, which is pretty common for little kids. He was two years old this year. and we took him to meet Santa and we were like standing outside of Santa's area and it's like a hole, there's Christmas trees all around and it's decorated. We're standing outside and he's all, oh, Santa, ho, ho, ho, Christmas tree, Christmas tree. He would not shut up. Like he's very, he's in a stage right now where he's super chatty, it's adorable.

26:51And then it was like our turn and we go through the line and we walk in and like he stands at the entry and we're like, it's Santa, James, go meet Santa. And he does that kid thing where he's like, like two inches at a time wouldn't say a damn word walked up to the guy this it was he was a great santa the guy who was doing it uh i mean santa was great and he's like chatting him and asking him questions he had his zebra with him because he wouldn't put the zebra down today he's like oh you have a zebra i love zebras maybe you could help me take care of my reindeer oh and james was just like and then it was time for the picture and we were like go hug santa and he like did that thing where he didn't move his body but he leaned in slightly closer to imply that he was like hug it was really cute the picture turned out pretty cute but he was he's just gets it's he's you've met you both have met him he's not particularly shy in general but when he meets like people in costumes or strangers he doesn't know who are you know but he knows from tv or whatever it's a weird reaction I can't tell if it's abject horror or he's just like, it's the celebrity I love from television.

27:58He's here. Oh, but it was very cute. And we have pictures. So we're sending everybody pictures. Like a Christmas story. Whenever Santa like kicks the kid down the slide. Shoot your eye out, kid. Has he seen that movie yet? Nah, he has no reason to fear Santa from the media we've showed him. We did accidentally show him some of the Santa Claus. So maybe he thinks Santa is Tim Allen and he doesn't like him. It's an entirely reasonable response. You walk into the North Pole and you're like, I mean, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, wait. Oh, and then he brought you cookies, Wade. He did. Yeah, I was going to say James delivered cookies to me today.

28:34He was really sweet. He was like greeting me. He and Ren came by and I forget what old words he said, but he said hello and he said bye bye. He handed me the cookies and I was like, thank you. And she's like, say you're welcome. He's like, welcome. And I was like, oh, thanks. And then he put his hands out like, all right, I'll give them back. I was like, oh, it's awkward because I'm not gonna. They're also very good cookies, but no, it was sweet seeing him. I've been building stuff. I built a wardrobe, a hardwood wardrobe. I didn't cut the pieces. It came through, but I screwed it together. God damn it.

29:08But also I built a thing. It's like a little tool organizer shelf thing that you're supposed to hang on the wall in the garage and like you put your drills in it and charging. I included James in it. James, our almost two-year-old baby. and he loved it because mainly it was just screwing things together which he could help with pretty easily and he like he would put his hand on the drill and then i would and he'd be all ha because he thought that was the coolest thing ever he put his hand on the drill like on the back like on the safe part okay just like i held the drill and he like put his hand on it and then i pulled the trigger and it vibrated and he thought it was cool but we got like 90 of the way done and it turns Turns out a shelf is just a baby sized couch.

29:50And he like literally the whole time he had been sitting on parts of it and standing on it. But then we got like 90 % done and it's just a little him sized like wooden bench thing. And he just sat in it and was like, oh, you built me a chair. Thanks, dad. So now we have a WorkPro branded tool chair holder baby set up in our living room that I don't know if I'm ever going to get back. But it's very fun. James is coming to a big dad era, which is fun because I feel like he was kind of all about mom for a long time. But now we're doing stuff. We're building things. Well, the toys they have for kids that are, you know, workshop based, they have that cardboard router table where you push the cardboard through.

30:29Oh, those are cool. We're getting one of those so bad once he's old enough. Those look awesome. Yeah. Dude, me too with the sleep deprived. Yeah. Why you? James is going through a growth spurt and is having growing pains. And so instead of sleeping, he just cried all night. I also feel sleep deprived. What important thing are you doing? We have dogs that have decided that their schedules are no longer to sleep at night. Their job is to go to sleep and nighttime. They're like, all right, Paul, we'll take a nap for like an hour. And then it's time to party. You know what it sounds like is you actually have a couple of outside dogs.

31:04Oh, you know, I really not that much. I'm still sick. I made James's life. I had to clean the hot tub and it got really hot. And so I was like, I emptied it, but then I didn't clean it. Then I filled it back up and James loves it. So now we don't have a hot tub. We have the world's smallest pool. His kids aren't supposed to go in hot tubs. It's not good for them because they're tiny. So we just keep it at like 90 degrees or whatever. like warm pool temperature. It's the best thing he's ever experienced. Kid loves just going under the water, falling down, scaring his parents, thinking he's going to drown, coming back up, laughing about it.

31:47You know, kid stuff. You made James alive. That is true. That's true in at least two ways. You'd think that would be worth two points, but it's not. James is counting now. He could count the numbers one, two, and five, but he does them correctly. if you count one two three four five he'll be all one two

32:11five so he knows wow he really does he's just working on he's working on getting the other ones in there in the mouth situation can't quite do a three and a four those are tough it's getting closer though three i could see being tough four seems like it'd be the same as five to me listen you wouldn't understand how toddlers work and it's a well actually of the three of us he might understand the most how toddlers actually function and think. It's true. That's true. Four, five. Four, ooh. What was the ooh? Ooh. R's are hard, too. One, two, three, four. Four, five. Four. One, two, three, four. Five.

32:47It's a really hard number. Are we unteaching Wade how to say numbers now? Is this what they call unschooling? Fui. Fui. One, two, fui. Five. I enjoy that. Give yourself some points. Look, I got a new ring. Wow. James gave it to me for Father's Day. This is my father. How the hell is he shopping? That's crazy. He's very sophisticated. He's like four years old mentally, even though he's only eight months old physically. That's pretty impressive. It's made from a whiskey barrel. It's very cool. Whoa, that's a small barrel. Edit it so I turn invisible when I do this. Where did I go? Whoa. Now you can see me.

33:29Oh, he's back. Man, you can only get this great content on Spotify. Oh, yeah. So sometimes when I'm playing with James, I'll pretend to throw something. And then actually I didn't throw it. And he hasn't figured out yet that I do that. And so I'll just mess with him and be like, oh, let's throw the ball to you. Whoop. And then he freaks out for a second because he's like, what the fuck? and I'm pretty sure I've convinced him I'm some kind of wizard. I do that with the dog sometimes. So I'm going to see how long I can keep that going. Lexi's worked that out. Lexi is no longer fooled by that one.

34:08I've done it too many times, but James is still figuring it out. So that's pretty conniving, right? That's very conniving. Yeah. You know, I just don't need anyone knowing that I poop. I just don't need people knowing that. I got a book I think you should read, Mark. It's going to really change your life. Crazy Caterpillar? It's called Everybody Poops. Oh. Oh And James is reading it a lot right now Just check it out I've seen that book That book is fucking disgusting That book That is the grossest book I've ever seen Potty training Potty training in general Like I don't know what I thought it was gonna be But it's more concerning than I expected Like one method of potty training is Your baby doesn't wear pants now Your baby is just full Winnie the Pooh And if and when they start peeing or pooping while you're just doing like everyday life like you're in the living room and they just start going you just pick them up and run to the bathroom and be like in the toilet in the toilet in the toilet that's so terrifying it's a technique that i'm not gonna do and then like james is interested in the toilet now and the other day i was like oh dad needs to go to the bathroom hang on and mandy was like oh maybe james wants to see how the bathroom works and i was like oh why do you want to see that that doesn't sound good and i thought about it and i was like no that's actually what I'm supposed to do isn't it I'm supposed to bring my son into the toilet so we can talk about how toilets work and I can it's I don't like it's concerning it's good that he'll be able to use a toilet at the end of it but all the rest of the in-between parts I never thought all the way through how that works and I don't care for it make it less concerning get one of those things they use to bypass drug test the wizardator and you can use that to demonstrate Interesting that sounds worth it probably So I've been I got a thing off of Facebook marketplace As per how it usually goes It's either a drug deal in a parking lot Or someone leaves it on their porch and you Tuck the$20 under the Mat right it was one of those this was One of those they were like it was a Thing for James it was a little toy Thing he was getting really into Hot Wheels It was not a valuable thing and this lady was like I'll just Leave it on the front porch I'm really busy today And I was like that's totally fine I'll just swing by and get it sometime this morning i'm also busy that was the agreement and i was just gonna stick 20 bucks under the mat and i got to the house the address that she sent me and i saw the thing sitting on the front porch but it was at the house which was down a very long driveway which was filled with several children riding their bikes up and down the driveway so i pulled up and i was like i don't really want to carry this i don't want to walk up the whole drive i'll see if i can pull So I sort of like pulled up toward the driveway and was like soft waiting to see if the kids would get out of the way and they looked at me And we're kind of like hmm and they went up towards the garage of the house Like they were gonna run away and I pulled very menacingly and slowly up the driveway the whole time The kids were increasingly concerned like boy.

37:02He's actually coming. Oh God. What did mom say about strangers? Wait a second. Hey, God, there's something we're supposed to do here and and and I literally like I got up there I parked and I got out of the car with like my hands up like an officer was was detaining me and I was like no it's okay I'm buying the thing from your mom kids the thing on the porch did she tell you did she and they were like Oh, yeah, she totally said a guy in a car was gonna be here this morning to pick up the that's cool. You're cool, dude You're cool, but that wasn't it was not cool They were clearly freaked out and they like ran away inside and I just went up to the porch and was like took the thing ran away all sketchy like it was really awkward i don't know if i've ever done a facebook marketplace deal that didn't end in some level of awkwardness but that one felt bad because it was kids didn't see the adult didn't get close to the kids barely said a couple sentences to them but they were definitely freaked all the way out and i still feel kind of bad about it i was hoping they all would come up just mace you or something but james loves that toy that's his new favorite toy.

38:06So worth it? You do what you gotta do. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, scares children, but hey if it's for your own child, scare all the children in the world. Yeah, I scare all the other children. Moving. God, I fucking hate moving. You're moving? Yeah, I don't know if you could see. Remember how all these shelves used to have shit all over them? This, I can only hope, will be the last time I ever move for the rest of my life. Damn. We'll see if that holds up because I'm pretty sure I said something like that when we moved to this place, but we are moving. The movers will be here in less than 48 hours.

38:45I will say this area like my desk is covered in all the same. I haven't packed it at all. This is the least packed part of the entire house. All the rest of our house is in like boxes and shit, but we have been hardcore pretty much most of the day every day since Saturday and today is Tuesday moving packing carrying heavy shit up and downstairs i fell on the stairs one time totally fine survived but the movers actually show up and then will be moved over honestly as much as i despise moving this is lame because i always do this and circle it back to being a dad now that i'm a dad but the most concerning part of all this for me is i'm curious how james is going to handle it right we've already moved once but he was like a baby when we moved we moved from california back to Ohio to be closer to our parents when he was like 10 months old, which was tricky because 10 months olds are tricky.

39:40But this is different now, right? He's old enough now where like his room is his room. He knows that that's his bed. That's his bookshelf. This is his book. We're like packing up his belongings and they're disappearing. And he's kind of like, hey, didn't that bookshelf? Wasn't that full of books? Where'd all my books go? And it's like, he's being really cool so far. But I'm curious the first night, like we're going to sleep in this house tomorrow night. And then the next night we're going to sleep in the other house and his bed is going to be in a new room and it's going to be smelled different.