Best of Mark: Part 1 (Compilation)

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1:47Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data. Exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data. Exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G network. Speeds vary due to factor affecting cellular networks. Guarantee explosions details at T-Mobile.com slash home internet. Hence again, we return to mirth most flighty, delving deep in the vault most mighty. It's time for Best of Mark Part 1. Oh! The bar! Mark is in a nuclear test range. Hey, if we do another ad bit with meteors or like explosions, you've got it. Hey, I ordered a new mattress.

2:29Ding dong!

2:36so we have an idiot a sleep deprived guy and a sick guy doing a podcast episode today and this is what you get uh a bomb

2:53it's like when you give toddlers technology and they make their first video and it's like really shitty and they look at it embarrassed 20 years later like what was i thinking mark is either gone or sitting very still hello he's thinking hello hello let's try a simple one mark how many fingers hello oh wait i know how to fix this mark how many fingers hello uh i texted you hello you know what bob i'm gonna give you a good internet point thanks that seems fair hello they tried to Take me out. It didn't work. The world government. Oh, sweet fucking Jesus. No, no, not again. Hello? I'm getting out of here.

3:34Let's leave. You and me, Wade. Three, two, one. Whoever leaves first wins. Wow. Wade is clearly right there. Neither are a few left. Editors, send me to Guam! What does Guam look like? I'm in Guam! Put me in Guam. Yeah, I have no idea what that... Why do you look like you're underwater? I don't think Guam is underwater. I mean, Guam! Look at all this Guam! Is that offensive? No idea, probably. I feel offended. You know, to be fair to Mark, I looked up Guam and the first image was a beach. Oh, pretty close. Guam is a U.S. island territory in Micronesia. Because I know there's a military, a lot of military presence and John, who was on an aircraft carrier, they would dock there and that's actually where he spent all of COVID.

4:20Oh. These guys are they know the future Guam's World War three significant. Oh, that's two Can read hey Bob Bobby boy. No, how have a seat have a seat? Have a seat Okay, have a seat. All right, okay, so I heard from your teacher that you were asking some questions that the teacher was Legally not allowed to disclose to you given the the laws currently implemented in the state that we're in was not legally allowed to answer the questions for you. So I have taken it upon myself to create a slideshow presentation to guide you through this process. But why don't you just ask me, ask me anything. Ask me anything to start it off.

5:06I've got a whole thing here, but I wanna hear from you. I'm just curious how, where do babies come from and what are they made of? Oh, excellent question, excellent question. Have you heard of the ship of Theseus? You know, I have a memory of that, almost like a fever dream from earlier in my life. But I think so. Yeah. Good. Good. Okay. All right. So a baby, think of it like a ship. You like ships, right? Yeah. Ships are cool. Yeah. So, but instead of a built ship, you got to like build a ship at some point, right? It starts from nothing. Sure. In the shipyard. But an idea. It's an idea of a thing, right?

5:45Yeah. Okay. So let's think of the shipyard as a penis, right? You know what a penis is. Yeah. My penis is a shipyard? Let's just think of it that way. This is a world of imagination right now. Okay. All right. So the shipyard is looking at, let's say, the ocean. Think of the ocean as what's called a vagina. Let me just show you the slide of a vagina. You probably haven't seen one. This is a vagina, right? You see the clitoris, the clitoral hood, the mons, pubis. You've got the labia minora and majora, right? Where? Hmm? What is... Where is... Where is that at? Don't worry about this. Do I have one of those?

6:36This is just so you... Think of the ocean. When you look at this, think of the ocean, okay? You're looking at this? Think of the ocean. You know the ocean with the waves and splashing all around, right? Oh, okay. Don't think of it. Let me go now to the penis, right? Now, this is a penis. That's not what mine looks like. That's okay. Don't worry. It's, um, uh, don't worry about it right now. Yeah. So you see, this is the shaft. This is the cavernosa majorum. This is the perennium here. You have the glands, you know, the foreskin. Well, depending. Oh, I mean, another story for another day. Okay.

7:09All right. But I really want you to focus down here on what are known as the testicles, right? Okay. Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. But again, don't think of this. Think of a shipyard. Okay. This is a shipyard. And in a shipyard, you have a bunch of people running around, right? Yeah. The people that actually like build the ship. Okay. All right. Shipwrights. Yeah. Yeah. Shipwrights. Sure. Yeah. Shipwrights. Very good. Very good. Okay. I know stuff. And let's just assume that one day the shipyard got really drunk. Okay. At a party. Woo. Yeah. You know? Okay. Sure. Do you know what that is? You don't know what that is.

7:44Okay, anyway. I don't know what a party is. They had a party. That sounds funny. Yeah, yeah. They had a party. They had a party at, say, let's say a ski lodge or something like that. Okay, there's a ski lodge in the shipyard. Got it. Yeah, and then there was a beach where the ocean was there. Okay. Ski beach. Got it. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so one of these shipwrights was looking at the ocean, and the ocean was looking at the shipwright and they locked eyes and they were like, oh yeah, you know? Okay, he likes the ocean. Then the shipyard decided, well, it wasn't really a decision, okay? Ordinarily shipyards, they have safety precautions known as OSHA.

8:31But, you know, let's just say that OSHA failed at this moment in time. Sure. and one of these shipwrights started getting really, really productive, okay? And built a ship. Okay, more like, okay, imagine there was a glowing ethereal orb in the middle of the shipyard that was birthed from the ocean and then the shipwright was like, this is my hole, it's meant for me and dove headfirst into that glowing ethereal alien orb and merged into being part of the DNA from the shipwright and part of the DNA from this orb, which there was inside of it, emerged together. And then that started building a boat.

9:17Okay. Yeah. Sure. And then - So it's like a man boat. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Except that the shipwright was like melted as he entered into it. So the entire being that was the shipwright kind of like dissolved and all that was left was the primordial goo within him. Okay. So then this boat starts growing and growing and growing. And then one day in a cataclysmic, extremely painful, catastrophic, bloody event was launched. You ever seen a ship launch before? Yeah, it kind of just slides in and makes a big splash. Yeah, big splash, but pretty big because you're pretty small, right? I am small, yeah.

9:59Okay, I'm going to show you this next slide. This is in the middle of a childbirth. Okay, now you'll see. Huh? Yeah. You see the head is starting to emerge. It's a boat. It's a boat. Which part is the boat? The head is the boat. The vagina is the ocean. And it's called birthing a boat. Uh-huh. So when that. It looks like somebody's dying. No. Sometimes. Sometimes. Uh-huh. If let's say like, the boat gets stuck and doesn't get enough water. I'll bear it back. I need alcohol for the rest of this. Normally it's fine. And this boat is you. Oh. That's where babies come from. Okay. The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows.

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12:28All right, Mark. The first sentence is, I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone. And so I come up with the second half. Yeah, you give me the second sentence and it's a horror story. So make it, make it scary. Okay, so say it again. I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone. Wow. Wow. I told you I tried real hard, But I have no idea if these are good prompts so good luck. Especially since I was in a tent Oh man that just raises so many scary questions. And then I remembered I don't have a door. I know right? Yeah, it's terrifying You're camping out in the woods you hear ding dong fuck you're done.

13:21That's yeah, that's not good Everybody knows that's problems. Mark, I think you can beat that. I believe in you. I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone. Oh God, I've almost got something. I've almost got something. Oh, it's gonna sh - you're gonna shit. You're gonna shit. Go run to the bathroom, everybody. Listen to this, you're about to poop your pants. Um, especially since I was on the moon.

13:56I hope everyone made it to the bathroom in time. Ah, fuck shit. I'm not gonna ask if you're ready, we're just jumping in. Alright. You're an orgasming pig, and a farmer is coming to slaughter you. Oh god. What, male or female pig? Mark is the author of this story. Oh, okay. Oh, good. You have at least 30 minutes. Of what? Orgasm power? What do you mean at least 30 minutes? Yeah, the farmer's not going to kill you during. He's respectful. So what? Do I got to make it last long? No, not necessarily. You just have to survive. But you could. Not the orgasm. You have to survive the farmer. The farmer is the threat.

14:36The orgasm is just happening.

14:42What's the matter, but I thought you were ready. Come on, man. What do you even have to think about? The first move's obvious. Okay. All right. All right. Here we go. Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought it would happen to me. There I was with Betsy. Oh, man. You've seen a pig before, right? Anyway, finish the deed. I'm barely three minutes into mid finish. And here I hear Farmer John's boots thundering down the roadway. I know what's up. He fed me oats that morning. I know a trap when I see it. Look down, it's not Betsy. It's a pile of straw wrapped in a blanket. Fool on me, right? Well, anyway, I know he's very polite.

15:30He'll make sure that I I get to enjoy myself before my bitter bitter end Well, who can play it that game? I see a pail of milk that he left out fool He is I I've got a bucket full of Fraud that's gonna keep this going all night long so long as he sees some white fluid occurring. He's not gonna kill me because he thinks I'm not done yet. Take that bucket, stealthily slide it under me, and I just take a oof and I go, uh, uh, for hours. I don't know if I've ever hoped for a toy anymore in my life, but I'm hoping for it right now.

16:16Damn it. Mark, I'll give you this hint. I'll give you this hint, Mark. It's an audio clue Doesn't make a sound It doesn't make a sound No it can't be an audio clue I'm ignoring that That's a real clue And honestly should get you the answer right now I'm ignoring that entirely I'm ignoring it Because it just Mark it's obviously a tooth rack Is it a spork You jumped right past a couple other guesses For that one but no it's not specifically a spork no spoon plastic spoon plastic fork it's a plastic fork I hate you

17:05because why why would I think specifically a plastic fork when you said it was not metal all cutlery went out the window because cutlery is this made of plastic Hey, dude, I had to rule out wood basketball What do you mean, Bob? What do you mean? Why would the thing be a plastic fork? Why would that be the thing? You made the hardest possible thing to narrow down because you put it in a category that it's not typically in. What? You never guessed fork? Because you said it was in metal. My 12th guess was cutlery for myself. Mark never went there. That's crazy. He stole everything else I said, but not that.

17:53Again, again, that's the next one.

17:59Why would you do that to me? You know, I thought, I thought spork a long time ago. A long time ago, I was like, okay, there's a possibility that it's like plastic something like, and spork went up in my mind when he was like, plate was associated with it. But I was like, there's no way it'd be that. Man, plastic fork? A plastic fork? Yes.

18:28Why have you done this to me? Why have you done this to me? Are you appealing to like the subreddit or something? Do you think this is unfair, Mark? I am appealing to the subreddit. Yes, I'm throwing my only flag I have left because holy crap. I want to take a nap and I will. in your tub with your pillow blanket? I see how it is. Plastic fork. Plastic fork. This is going to haunt him for days to come. Isn't something smell a little rough to you? Hey, do you smell something? Well, that's a weird smell. I don't know what it is. Have you ever felt the chill run up your spine? It was like something trapped me on the shoulder, but when I turned around...

19:15Get ready to forget everything you know about everything. Guys, I'm still smelling something weird. A whole city of people just turning round and round endlessly. All right, if someone doesn't say they're smelling what I'm smelling, I swear I'm... Oh my God. What happened to the moon? You expect me to believe we're surrounded by gases that we cannot see. I know what clouds look like. Those aren't clouds. Welcome to the show that was formally known as Don't Look Up. But we were sued by some dumbass in a movie studio This is It's in the air Viewer discretion is advised

20:01Dear Pan House Forum I never thought it would happen to me There I was with Betsy You know a pig right? I'm not three minutes into finishing I hear farmer what's-his-name's boot come thundering out the way I and I know that I know what's up. He fed me oats this morning So I know what the game is and I looked down. It's not even Betsy. It's a fucking bale of hay wrapped in a blanket But I know he's polite right? I know he's polite. I feel bad ashamed tricked. He's very polite He'll he won't finish me before I'm finished finishing so I look around With as stealthy that I can see a bucket milk drag it under me I go like ah one white substance as good as another dip my hoof in go And then while he's standing there watching kind of weird But you know we're in this and they're thinking with my little pig brain and I'm like ah I have the ultimate plan It took me half that bucket to think of this plan.

20:54I feign a heart attack I know he's a sympathetic sort. He fed me oats. He made Betsy I guess he would he would not dare kill me if I'm already dying. Shake the milk off my hoof I lay down and go AHHHHH! Like, I got a heart attack, right? Surprise! Poop attack! I jump on him when he gets close, diarrhea all over. See, the only tool I got left? I have very few fluids left in my body, but I decide to shit all over him. That'll teach him a lesson he'll never forget. And while he is flailing from all the poop, I grab Betsy, for later, and grab his shovel that he dropped, and then in my... I... I...

21:32do one of these. Swing? With both. It's not really like a swing. It's more like a... I try to decapitate him. Okay. Wade, you can end this. That was the third one. I need an 18 or higher. Oh, that's definitely gonna happen. We haven't wasted a bunch of 20s on goofing around. Eight? Hey, teen? No. If I swallow this right now and die, will you give me the point? That's worth at least two points, I guess. Yeah. Everyone pull over to the side of the road. You gotta watch this one.

22:06Oh, I'm dead. That's two points to mark, I guess. Jesus, I'm getting railroaded here, man. Well, thankfully, he can't compete for any more points now, right? If he comes back to life, he loses the two points, just to be clear. Anyway, interesting discussion. I think... Hey, what's up, guys? Back from the afterlife here. Want to finish this episode out strong. I'm going to cross out dead and take those two points away real quick. Can I get one point? I'm a ghost, man. All right, I'll give you one ghost point. Okay, cool. You hear my echoey voice and everything? Editors. Editors, don't do any of this.

22:37Just make him live with what he's done. No, please. I sign your checks. That's not even true. None of us sign shit. You're right, but I can call the person who does. I know them too. I have their number too. I'll call them and tell them not to listen to Mark. You don't even worry about it. All right, fine. Too many requests in one hour. My fate is pretty sour. Oh, no.

23:07I think this is worth it to hear Mark talk like this for an hour. Just to translate it into something that's comprehensible, I think Mark just let us know that Shhh, GPT just told him he can't do any more queries for a while. So you don't have your little AI buddy to help you rhyme anymore. My friend is gone. My friend is done. I'm going to make a hot crossed bun You get one point minus three it's only fair it can not be minus three Tries no no You didn't think you were too slow. I was okay but I had two bad tries and then I got it right. No, you're correct. That is so true. Two minus one but the other way to to end this game and therefore win in the positives your score must win.

24:22I'm gonna count it. That rhymed. That rhymed. Sounds are allowed. Didn't say that it has to be words. Why did they do this to myself? I could have been Riddle Man and Elf. Thanks, man. My little problem, I'll tell you, is that this thing only reads in the third person. Boo hoo. I can't seem to get it to ask direct. That doesn't make me very erect. Let me finish my rhymes, you prick. I think you're a giant dick. Well done. That's the best one you've had all day. You know what? You know what? Wait. I'm going back in time. Sorry, I'm going back in time.

25:15I changed it. Your shoulder? It's all better now. Oh, cool. Well, Bob, you still have more points. What did I change then? Oh, God. What did I change? Oh no! What are we gonna see in the future? I don't know! I don't know! What did I do? Dear Penthouse Forum, you've heard this story before. Me, Betsy, you know pigs. Anyway, three minutes in, Farmer John's coming. I'm not done coming. But I look down, I did a fucking trick again. Again! It's a pile of hay in a blanket. Anyway, he comes in, he's looking at me, I know he likes to watch. I'm not about that, but he fed me oats this morning, so I know he's playing, he's gonna wait till I finish.