Best of Wade: Part 1 (Compilation)

19:03Mark Fischbach:Sorry,

19:09Mark Fischbach:I smegled again. It was a complete accident, guys. No, actually, wait, I totally forgot there was some other thing I was going to do. Wait, is there any other thing that you think that animal could be that would be more convincing than the correct answer? Yeah, so after Tuesdays, whenever I usually do podcasts, stream, and then record, I sit in this chair for a long time. That's also the sound my knees make whenever I stand up after being here for 12 hours. That's incorrect! You don't know that. You're right, I don't. If you can record that sound, it sounds exactly like this recording. Ooh! All right.

19:39Well, that was a tie because I think you both made the exact same sound and I don't know who did it better. My first one was clearly the best. Yeah. If Wade gets credit for his first one, doesn't that mean that I win? I have no idea. Was that... Should we count that? That was the official... Your ability to do a golem-esque cow is very impressive. Precious.

20:04Mark Fischbach:Moo, precious. It's me, Smigel. Hey, is that my ring? Where did you find that? What is potatoes, precious? Gollum, how do we get to Mordor? Well, it takes four or five. Follows me. If you reach the city of the damned, you've gone to four. Run, run, run, run, run, run. Get on the farm and just go. All right, we're spinning. And you guys are gonna... Oh, God. Great, right off the bat. This is the one I was most looking forward to. You're gonna be getting more fanatical, formerly religious, but fanatical, as you explain, and Bob, you went first, so Wade, you're now going, and give us a nice baseline to work with, Wade, of how does photosynthesis work?

20:53Just the basics.

20:54Mark Fischbach:Well, as all things, it works through a little bit of prayer and belief. We look up, and we are blessed with rays from above that come down, and they hit the greenery on this beautiful planet as the rays hit the plants they're filled with god's love and they bloom i've got to pause i'm so sorry it has to start with a normal it has to start normal and then get fanatical so i love i love the the ambition but what's a normal fanatical explanation of photosynthesis no not fanatical not fanatical at all zero percent fanatical okay so i'm not doing any kind of thing. No fanatical yet. Yes. All right.

21:32Mark Fischbach:Fair enough. All right. Well, heat and light hitting a plant are converted into energy via the process of photosynthesis inside of a plant because the inside of plants are complex systems full of cells that require nutrients, including from the soil, from rain, so on and so forth. But light and heat are a very important source of energy. And the process of photosynthesis is simply the conversion of that energy into nutrients so that the plant can thrive. That's a very apt description. That's great. That is pretty much what photosynthesis is without getting too into the weeds. Wait, a little more fanatical.

22:06My brothers and sisters, I alone speak to the plants.

22:11Mark Fischbach:I alone know what they have to say and what their needs are. And your generous donations are exactly what they need to get the process of photosynthesis started. Without you, the sun's rays will dim away. I've heard it from the plants themselves. They speak, they whisper, they yell, they scream, they cry, they love. And they need your love right now. So please, be generous. Your donations are the key to the survival of this planet. Every blade of grass, every tree, they all need you and your support. And I will speak on their behalf, and on your behalf to them, to make sure we can all live in harmony.

22:45Mark Fischbach:Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Very, very good. It's too late! There's nothing we can do! Except for sacrifice ourselves to bring the plants back. Our blood is the key for the soil to be nutrientized, to be damp your tires, to feel something again. Take the blades, take these cocktails, drink and slant and allow our blood to bring the plants and photosynthesis back for the sun is not strong enough without the blood of you and I. Jesus goddamn. Amen. Did Wade die? I think he sacrificed himself. Oh, I get it. That's very fanatical. I like my music like I like my weather. Okay. You need more lower lip bite if I'm gonna believe that one.

23:39Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

23:51Mark Fischbach:I was like, oh, lower teeth need to bite lip.

23:59Man, that's going to be clipped forever. That's going to be forever.

24:07Yeah, I remember back when we were at Village Tavern, you know, you had those supermodels coming up.

24:15Mark Fischbach:My single face. I'm not wearing that in 12 years. My single face. Did I win? All right, I'm going to show you guys a picture before we get to the next one. Ooh. Somebody was drunk. Someone driving the paint truck just bouncing curb to curb as they go paint the lines on the road. Wait, please describe this picture for everyone who's just listening. Unfortunately, what we're looking at is a really messed up image of the corpse of an old road You can see the chalk lines where they were drawing where the road had died and they paved the new road right on top of it But they redrew the chalk lines to make sure you could see where that old windy road died What we're actually actually looking at is some of the most brilliant McDonald's marketing of all time if you see the M's and the yellow lines They want you to drive down the road and know you're headed toward McDonald's breakfast What the fuck is this and why is this?

25:13Mark Fischbach:It's like the road was too quick to get down It's like we need to make the road longer What if we just make them curve around a little bit make it take longer to get down the road? You got there eventually Yes, this is a speed measure to try to get people to slow down in their driving Now here's the thing this is in where is this in this is Pennsylvania. And it's meant to zigzag because you can't, obviously, well, you totally can go fast doing this. I've got one of the local residents here who apparently has been experiencing other unforeseen issues. Drake Ulysses Law. Do you want to tell us what you've been seeing?

25:50Mark Fischbach:It's actually pronounced Drack. The neighbors and I, one of the things we haven't noticed is that the paint prices have gone up dramatically since these roads have been paved in such a way. Wait, you said Pennsylvania, not Pennsylvania. Oh, man. Did you just actually think it was Transylvania for a while? Back to you. That's my line. My bad. That's Drac. Back to you in the studio. Drake, Ulysses, uh... Love. That almost made me vomit. I'm not gonna lie. Can't just unleash something like that. You weren't even laughing. You just jumped straight to vomit. Oh, man. Right to vomit. Right straight to vomit.

26:39Mark Fischbach:When I said that name, did you guys have any idea what was coming out of it? No, I was so fucking confused. That was the dumbest shit. Oh, man. Yeah, that might be. That might be. That might be your dumbest. Good, the vampire.

26:55Oh, man.

26:57Mark Fischbach:Wade, how would you handle this situation? Well, I'd go into one of the bathrooms. I'd put my clown costume. I'd walk up. Which clown? What kind of clown? What kind of clown? Which clown? Oh, you know, like red hair, yellow, red stripes. Oh, okay, okay. Hamburger. I believe that's called hamburger. Classical hamburger clown. I'd walk up to the person and I'd say, Don't you know whose plane this is? And then they'd be, Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Mr. Our Clown. And I'd go walk on the plane. I'd get some hair with some blood that I've been saving in my basement and I'd put hair on each of the seats But because there's blood becomes a biohazard They have to get a hazmat team to come look at the plane And in the meantime, I would probably go get like the longest range weapon I could find and shoot at the sky non-stop with it hoping to kill god because this is his fault Like he did this So once he's gone and the plane is under hazmat people can't take off I feel like I vindicated myself and I call a cab to go somewhere else, I guess, for vacation.

28:03Mark Fischbach:I'm still laughing and hoping to kill God. I know, I know. Well, clearly he's ruined my fucking vacation. Like, who else are you going to blame? Don't shoot the messenger. Just wait, standing out on a runway, just like, do that, do the cartoon thing where it like zooms, scrolls up really fast. It's like God is up in heaven just like, Ah! Oh, God! I didn't think I could get up here! Does he say, oh, God? He'll say, oh, me? Oh, me! All right. So I'm going to chuck it over to my ace reporters to replace me. Eventually, fighting for the top spot, a co-host, co-anchor here. Who wants to go first? Should I flip for it or do you guys kind of?

28:44Mark Fischbach:I have a story. Go for it, shit man. Thankfully, I'm not the only professional here. There is somebody else who can deliver some of this news. No pun intended. um let's go over to olivia it seems like the weather is going to be mostly sunny partly cloudy back to you uh thanks olivia olivia is in the studio today despite actively giving birth that's right news anchor olivia jackwith went ahead with a three hour morning morning newscast while giving birth in the studio. Lots of weird chocolate-covered pickles being consumed in the studio today. I want you to win the one-man show. So badly. Well, this actually hosts an episode for that to happen, so.

29:36Mark Fischbach:Wait, do you want coffee? Because that's what's up. Don't get me started on coffee. I'm not a coffee drinker. People will say they wake up, they're like, oh, the smell of a fresh cup of coffee. People have their nasty yellowed coffee teeth. They have their nasty coffee breath one cup of coffee when I wake up gives me some energy to start my day A month later two cups of coffee gives me the energy to start my day a couple months later. Oh, man I've not had coffee in like two hours. I'm starting to really wear down. I've only had two pots of fucking coffee today Oh, I only need 18 forests of coffee to get through my week you weak fucking little bitches.

30:13Mark Fischbach:I don't have any coffee I don't have any goddamn energy drinks. I'm a fucking person who just learns to deal with it. Jesus fuck. Oh, I need my coffee. No, you don't. You've made yourself need your coffee. You got yourself on this goddamn addiction to coffee. What good has it done other than make you spend more money to get more coffee that doesn't quite get you that same high the first cup ever did? It's like your goddamn serial killer. You got your first kill. Oh, man, I gotta do another one. See if it gets me that same high. No, the coffee will never recapture that first moment of coffee glass you had.

30:43Mark Fischbach:It will never be as good and you smell bad. It smells bad. It tastes bad. It takes up space I could have other good things in the store. Oh, you know You work in a place that serves coffee You know what you do every 10 minutes you change the fucking coffee you throw away the nasty wrapper of coffee grounds You start another brew of coffee people come in. I'll have my 50 cent cup of coffee Actually, it's a dollar today, sir. The price went up. Yeah, that's what fucking happens in the world prices go up I'm sorry. You're grumpy. You didn't have your cigarette your coffee. Oh my god. It's not my problem Get over it!

31:14Mark Fischbach:Don't even get me started on coffee. Okay. And you smell bad. You smell bad, too. Damn, man. First one. It's a lot of pee, man. Sorry, it's a lot of pee. Man has no idea who was putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin. Gallons? It's a lot of pee. How does he know it's gallons? Is it in containers? Yeah. The first account from our reporter in the field, Wade, here. So I was interviewing a neighbor by the name of Bill. Bill, do you want to tell us your story? Yeah, hi, man. Just wanted to let you know. Recycling here, it ain't free. We can't all afford recycling. But the water supply, it's been a bit rough.

31:57Mark Fischbach:It's hard to get water. So I was talking to some of the other folk, and we decided, well, we make liquid, right? And they can probably recycle it and make something good out of it. So I went around with my bucket. I started collecting urine. We put it in some nice sealed containers and we put it in Mr. Dween's bucket. And we're like, oh, they'll come collect the bigger bucket because they'll recycle it. I mean, it's liquid. Why can't you recycle liquid if you recycle wood and cardboard and plastic and all that? So we're just trying to do some good for the community. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Whatever your name was.

32:27Mark Fischbach:Bill. Yeah, Mr. Bill. Back to you. Thank you to Wade, Reporter Wade, reporting from Portland. Where water is a problem. Yep, and people talk like that. Wade, feeling paranoid? No, man. An atom's pretty simple. You have the nucleus, which is like the command center made up of protons and electrons and so on and so forth. And cameras, microphones and such, so that the nucleus always kind of knows what's going on. And the way you know what kind of atom you have is how many things are kind of floating around watching things. Basically it, you know? Oh, all right. Yeah, that basically is it. Any deeper levels apparently, huh?

33:08It's in my skin! Get it off me! Get it off me! I'll cut it off! I'll slice it off! Alright, okay, alright. That's, that's, uh, yeah. Bob, I'm afraid that, um, unless you got something deeper in ya, it's gonna be hard.

33:26Mark Fischbach:I need knee pads for these kind of shows, man. See, he's dying, cause he knows the truth. Ugh, fuck. Oh, now there's liquid in my lungs and my ears. Thanks, man. The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Now lime comes first. 7-Up. Flip the sip.

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34:48I can't help but feel like that's a little bit more challenging than the cow.

34:58Mark Fischbach:Why does he get cow and I get Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs? No, you know what that was that was Tyler six minutes into a hard laugh

35:11Because

35:27Qualify these are all animals, okay

35:29Mark Fischbach:Uh, this is, this is the, uh, European jackrabbit pony. Uh, it sounds like a motorcycle, and, uh, whenever you ride it around, you have to tilt its ear a little bit to make sure you're getting the full speed. That is a pretty good guess, but unfortunately, that is not correct. Bob, what was your guess? My, uh, my first guess was, this is Tyler, six minutes into a really good laugh. I also think it kind of sounds like a donkey who forgot how donkeys are supposed to sound. Is it weird? My first thing I thought was Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs. Is that what the second half is?

36:02Mark starts falling down the stairs. I'll hold your impressions because there's going to be another point on the board. I want you guys to understand. Neither of you got what it was, but it's a camel. Oh.

36:17Mark Fischbach:There's a lot of stairs in camel land.

36:29rally car over here

36:31Mark Fischbach:that's what I hear man Idaho governor signs bill criminalizing public breast exposure and truck nuts when they came for our breasts I said nothing and when they came for our truck nuts because I've only had a truck for a little bit now but I'm assuming I will get that in the mail at some point they'll send me my truck nuts yeah definitely I have an interview here with one of the local Idaho residents Uh, what's your name sir? Mr. Potato Head. Mr. Head, can you tell us what's been going on? It's been terrible. My little spuds have seen things they shouldn't be seeing anywhere and everywhere. There are boobs out, balls out, all kinds of things.

37:11Mark Fischbach:It's been incredibly painful, especially for me and my wife. We've had to keep our eyes peeled to see the things going on around here. Did you just say peeled because it was a pun? No.

37:27Mark Fischbach:You heard it here first. They've had to keep their eyes peeled to make sure that their little spuds aren't seeing the terrible things going on in Idaho. Back to you in the studio. Thank you. For those who are just listening, they didn't see Wade's waddle out. I'm a master of impressions. Pick a number one through five. Four.

37:53Mm-hmm. Oh, it's a Australian mini antelope I'm gonna look that animal up If that's not real, I'm gonna deduct a point from you How dare you make up animals here I hope it's a real animal It came up as an animal Thank you What? Adorable mini antelope Wait, wait, what the fuck? Were you right? There is no native species of antelope in Australia However, there have been instances of non-native antelopes being introduced to certain regions Yeah, just like the camels and other things Was that the right noise? It's not the right answer, no. This one is much less inspiring. This is simply a lemur.

38:34Mark Fischbach:I literally guessed lemur like three guesses ago.

38:41Why are lemurs less inspiring?

38:42Mark Fischbach:They're so cool. It looks a little bit like this is the lemur who became the joker in the lemur universe. I don't know why his lipstick is so bold, but it's a lot. Yeah, for those who are listening only, this lemur is to us. Do you want to know how I got these scars? It's just truly beautiful. All right, who can imitate that?

39:16Man, that was... Awww... Thank youreibst5 Houston, we have a big grace problem Houston, we have a big lace problem Houston, we have a big mace problem. Houston, we have a big trace problem. Houston, we have a big trace elements problem.

39:57Mark Fischbach:Houston, we have a pig trace elements problem. Houston, we have a rig trace elements problem. Houston, we have a fig trace elements problem. Houston, we have a fig newton trace elements problem. Houston, we have a fig juice Newton trace elements problem. Wait, wait, that can't be right. It's a singer. She does Angel of the Morning, which is the opener to Deadpool. I could have sworn, did he add two words that time or...? No, he just added a really weird word. Okay, alright, okay, alright, okay, okay, I'll let it slide. Houston, we have a fig juice box Newton trace element problem. Houston, bro, we have a big juice box Newton trace elements problem.

40:48Houston, bro, fucking, we have a big fig juice box Newton trace elements problem.

40:56Mark Fischbach:Houston, little bro, fucking we have a big juice box Newton trace elements problem. No, sorry, it's a big fig. Why didn't you catch it when Bob said big? No, you needed big and fig. You just said big. I thought we changed big to fig. Did we? Am I wrong? Bob, am I wrong? I thought it was fig Newton, fig juice box Newton. Yeah, I think it was just fig. I'll take the L. Give it to me. I think you added one because you said Houston, little bro. Little bro. Fucking, we have a big juice box Newton trace elements. Whatever the fuck. I don't know. Give me the L. I'll take the L. God damn it, I'm sure I fucked up.

41:43We thought you were trying to earn zero points on the whole episode. I know whenever I'm beat and this one is beating my ass. Anyway, police find naked man in Lowe's display shed with Vaseline and a phone. I feel like we all understand what's happening there. We sure do, we sure do. We got Wade who's on the scene with the man. In the shed, an exclusive scoop.

42:08Mark Fischbach:Yes, so this was a really difficult interview to get. This was a very slippery interview. This guy kept getting out of my fingers despite how hard I tried to grasp him. Tell us exactly what was going on. Hi, Mom.

42:31Mark Fischbach:I see. And can you tell us more? It does appear drugs are involved, Mark Alright, drugs are involved I see, so we're not so different after all He slipped away again The only way to find him, there is a greasy set of footprints Just so you know Authorities have been all over it, but This has been a slippery suspect I'm not going to give you any points for the puns If that was you actually acting For that laugh in the middle as him That actually would have That's incredible, incredible acting. And we give you all credit for that. Thank you.

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