In short
Distractable episode built around Bob’s “one-man show” scripted humiliation, then a chaotic game of guessing animal sounds, followed by fast retelling “Bob’s Fridge” (no verbs), a dice-based sales-pitch word game, and a “Don’t Get Me Started” rant segment.
Guests
Markiplier (Mark Fischbach) and Wade (Wade Barnes). They act as co-hosts/antagonists, correcting Bob’s scripted intro and participating in games.
Key claims
A recurring Lemonati/7up “lemon propaganda” bit claims lemon dominates everything while 7up “fights back” with lime-first soda. The Spotify rant claims the green logo is ugly and alleges AI-generated “slop” music and a non-random shuffle order.
Notable examples
Bob’s animal-sound impressions include “bamboo worms,” “Quetzalcoatlus northropi,” “northern alligator lizard,” “Yorkie poo,” and “kinkajou” (linked to a Lin-Manuel Miranda-voiced movie). The “no verbs” Bob’s Fridge retelling centers on a water shutoff/bush/fridge mishap.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOLemonati and 7up's Challenge
0:00 to 0:53
Learn about the humorous rivalry between lemon and lime sodas.
“For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows.”
Lemonati and 7up's Challenge
0:57 to 1:10
Learn about the humorous rivalry between lemon and lime sodas.
“Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data.”
Bob's One Man Show Begins
2:00 to 4:20
Bob humorously engages the audience with quirky instructions and characters.
“Hello and welcome to Distractable My name is Bob Milkynips and I will be your host on today's episode It's going to be a fire one today Filled to the brim with milk goodness from your favorite milky man, Blorb Blorb!”
Interactivity and Impressions
4:20 to 10:00
The hosts engage in playful banter and challenge Bob with animal impressions.
“Oh My Gravy Gracious I nearly forgot to tell you This part, this should be shouted This should be shouted What?”
Guess the Animal Game
10:00 to 14:01
Bob provides animal sounds for the hosts to guess, leading to humorous exchanges.
“Welcome to Guess what was the name of the other episode guess that animal animal guess guess the Guess animal it was your episode.”
Animal Guessing Game Begins
14:01 to 16:45
The hosts start a fun guessing game about animal names and sounds.
“Okay It's a vestal cuckoo bumblebee No, but I like how many bumblebees there are on this list You said it's hard to pronounce Yorkie-a-po-o Yorkie-poo?”
Playing with Animal Impressions
16:45 to 17:46
The hosts continue with their impressions and guesses of different animals.
“If it had a Canadian accent, I feel like I would have gotten it faster, but close.”
Adventures in Animal Guessing
17:46 to 21:52
The guessing game becomes more intense as hosts struggle with animal names.
“Yeah, for a one-man show, I feel like it suddenly became on us, Wade.”
Bob's Fridge Retelling
21:58 to 25:16
Wade recounts a previous episode about Bob's fridge without using verbs.
“Alright, so Wade, you introduce your next, uh, your next.”
New Game: Sales Pitch Challenge
25:16 to 28:00
The hosts create a new game where they have to sell items with limited words.
“Wade just made it up right here on the spot.”
Show all 16 chapters
Rasputin's Preserved Penis and Game of Words
28:00 to 31:28
A humorous discussion about Rasputin's preserved penis and a playful word game ensues.
“Alright, in seven words, unfortunately we're stealing three of them.”
Don't Get Me Started on Spotify
31:28 to 36:11
The hosts dive into a comedic rant about Spotify's branding and practices.
“and now what we need from you is the thing that everyone loves from bob the name bob is synonymous with a rage-fueled pirate that goes on and on and on and on.”
Closing Rants and Final Scores
36:11 to 42:01
The episode wraps up with closing thoughts and a playful examination of scores and performances.
“Tweak your nipples and sing Black Eyed Peas.”
Game Scores and Reactions
42:01 to 42:45
Discussing the final scores and reactions of the game played.
“But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda.”
Animal Noise Challenge
42:46 to 45:00
Players reflect on the animal noise guessing game and the chaos that ensued.
“That would, you know what though, based off the coin flip and all the bad luck I've ever had and everything, that would be...”
Winner and Loser Speeches
45:01 to 45:59
Mark and Wade give their closing speeches after the game.
“I wanted to give people a taste of, like, when Tyler and Ethan scripted me, my one-man show.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around, lemon forward sodas, even lemon forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth.
0:19That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Join the 7up rising. Flip the sip. This episode of Distractable is presented by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. Okay, how do you guys know when someone's really your friend? I don't know. I don't know. But I do know that T-Mobile 5G Home Internet's got your back with their fast speeds, easy 15-minute setup, a price for any budget, and five-year price guarantee. Visit T-Mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data. Exclusions like taxes and fees apply.
1:01Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data. Exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G networks. Speeds very new to factor affecting cellular networks. Guarantee exclusions details at T-Mobile.com slash home internet. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers. And welcome to Distractable. This episode, Winky Wade small talks trash and mispronounces literally everything. Marvelous Mark devises and enforces this hilarious attempted humiliation ritual that big brave Bob walks on glass and gives a tour de force by emphatically dancing through the trials of the Terror Twins.
1:39From a frenzied intro to a father's love. Yes! It's time for Bob's One Man Show. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show Read all instructions in parentheses aloud Hello and welcome to Distractable My name is Bob Milkynips and I will be your host on today's episode It's going to be a fire one today Filled to the brim with milk goodness from your favorite milky man, Blorb Blorb! Ha! Oh man, I must be sleepy or something Let me try that again Hi there and welcome to Distractable My name is Bloord Muncher and I'm gonna post you today. Whoa, Eppie alarm. I didn't sleep so good What did the baby and all descend into 1920s gangster accent?
2:30Yeah Wait, hang on. Do I know that accent? Little crime lord that one just just another one of the boys But if he tries to make a move on me's plural possessive He's gonna be sleeping with the fishes and by fishes I mean the stuffed fish toy I gave him for his third birthday That hasn't happened yet That was my own parenthetical Did somebody say turd? Welcome to the 8th of turd member Turd timber Welcome to the 12th of plunge timber Alternative alternates for the right day to hit read all of them in sequence Welcome to the 15th of flush timber Welcome to the 9th or 3rd accurate date read verbatim of poop timber Welcome to the 22nd of Diary-ember!
3:15I'm your host, you should be out of the gangster angst by now, Big Bass Sassafras, and I'll be guiding you through my impeccable and topical one-man show. Hey, wow! Can you imagine the amount of work I've put into making this something special for you? Please stand up and twirl like a ballerina.
3:35Oh, I had to read all this ahead of time. Slam both palms on your desk and act surprised. Make Pogface. What's Pogface? Give me an example. Okay. Oh my good gravy gracious, I nearly forgot to tell you. This should be shouted if you didn't shout it. Please read again and shout. I shouted, right? No. No. Okay. Oh my good gravy gracious, I nearly forgot to tell you. Wow, wow, wow, wow, this is so exciting for me to deliver you this incredible news. Clarity on previous instruction. It was to read and then shout if you went back to reread but delivered the lines in a shouting manner Please go back and read each word individually with a scream of fear in between each word If you somehow managed to do it as instructed go back and do it anyway Starting with the palm slamming on the desk and add a small bounce in between each word as you shout
4:28Oh My Gravy Gracious I nearly forgot to tell you This part, this should be shouted This should be shouted What? No, go on Okay Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow This is so exciting For me to deliver you This incredible news Are you clear of the shouting? You're good. Okay, so that instruction's over? Yeah, it's over. Okay, I'm joined by my good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good. You may not skip a single one of these. Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good. Good.
5:27Friends. Mark Markiplier, Fischbach, and Wade. He does have a real car that exists Barnes Twirl and gesture elegantly to both of your co-hosts bow reverently blow kisses Clap your hands with glee and giddiness allow your overlords to introduce themselves
5:48What's the next one? Come on
5:54Oh man, thank you Bob. I hate to intrude on your one-man show So, but Wade, I'm, I don't know if you caught that, but I think he missed a good.
6:05Wade:I think there was a missed good. I think there was one missed good. I counted them with my fingers. So I think he should go back to the top and take it run again. We'll just edit. Oh, now hold on by top. Read all instructions in parentheses aloud. Hello and welcome to Distractable. My name is Bob Milkenips and I will be, don't say things if you don't mean them. You said top, man. I don't know. All right, we'll forgive you for that one. I mean, you know, we we mess up these intros all the time, but I'm mark Can you tell who wrote the intro bob? I have a guess. I know which one of you uses words like reverently and Glee and giddiness.
6:43It was amy Uh, but yeah, wade.
6:46Wade:Hey, man. Thank you for the great introduction. Appreciate that Hopefully you got your uh, your energy going you're wide awake ready to go. I'm ep didn't you hear me? Yes Sorry am I not supposed to interject Am I just supposed to sit quietly You're the host man This is your show We're just here to tell you when you do it wrong To yell at you, laugh at you and make you suffer The rest is all you Well anyway we are all here To enjoy Alright we're gonna torture you I hadn't guessed that yet That first part was all good fun It was I really had a great time The shouts of fear between each word was so much better than I imagined it to be.
7:27Wade:I actually thought you might knock yourself out. I am sweaty already, so that's a bad start. That's good, that's good. Well, we can let you relax. So, I mean, usually we do small talk, so we could. I shattered a glass on my foot right before this. Just to feel something? No, just to scare the shit out of myself. And then the dog and then the baby all came home all at once and we're all glass on the floor. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Put it in your mouth, whatever. That's fun. Was it at least empty so that way there wasn't mess on top of mess? I can't even explain why, but it was full of magnets, which didn't really cause any problems.
8:09Wade:It's just weird. I have no further questions. Yeah, why was the glass full of magnets? Okay, Mark has one. They were fridge magnets, but they weren't on the fridge, but they were designed to go on the fridge, but that's where we keep them. Oh, I have a little update. This arrived. This thing. Oh shit But I haven't used it yet so I have no idea if it's any good Okay I thought you were about to absolutely blast them No but I will don't worry Did you see they made a couple TikToks Being really hyped up They're jumping the gun a bit on Whether or not I'll like this or not They're getting a little excited I don't know Oh yeah this comes That's fine I can't hear you so it sounds like you're just mumbling Crazy to yourself That's cause I'm so far away Alright so So, Wade, you got any news before we jump into this beautiful...
8:56Yesterday was garbage night. That's it. That's the most exciting thing in your life. All right, we'll save it for the next one. You know when you were over at the house last weekend and we had kind of too much food for everyone and we put out a big plate of shrimp and zero people ate any shrimp? I remember seeing shrimp, but yeah, I believe that. Shrimp makes garbage smell so fucking nasty.
9:19Wade:Yeah, it would. Any seafood would, yeah. We ate as many as we could, but some of them ended up going bad, and for like a day and a half, our whole fucking garage smelled so bad. I should have chucked them in the freezer or something, but I was like, ah, it's like trash day tomorrow, or the next day, or something, and just put them in the trash like an idiot. We have similar issues with keeters using potty pads. Turns out, cooped up in a humid, hot garage does not smell great. Yeah, you gotta really bag that stuff up. Yeah, even bagged up, just a little leakage. You gotta you gotta you gotta really seal those or any single leak is a problem Yeah, that brand new car smells shifting real quick to something else.
9:58Wade:Bob you warmed up? How could I not be? All right, good. Welcome to Guess what was the name of the other episode guess that animal animal guess guess the Guess animal it was your episode. What do you mean? What are you looking at us about? I can't remember. I never know what their names. I have no idea what that was called I'm pretty sure it was called what animal was that that you heard just now? It was probably called like Bob meows at 22 minutes or something. It was probably something like that. Well, anyway, so we didn't have time to source up any animal noises. So, Bob, you're going to be providing the animal noises.
10:32Sure, sure. Yeah, we're going to tell you what the animal was. And if we guess what it is, we get a point. I feel like you should know what it is if you're going to tell me what it is. I don't know. Oh, do I get to pick whatever animals I want? Uh, yeah. Why not? Unless, Wade, you had another way you wanted this going.
10:46Wade:No, I mean, I had some stuff listed, but we can totally let him. All right, Bob, here's how it's going to go. We're going to give you a list of these animals. You can't look them up, but we're sure that you know them. You're going to do an impression of those animals. We're going to have to guess which one it is, and whoever guesses will get a point. Why is it spaced like this? I'm formatting. I literally said there's a bit of a formatting error. I'm going to fix it. It's because a document. What do you mean? You're looking at the same document I have. What happened? What went wrong? I was trying to fix it, but then you were like, whoa, the documents.
11:24How is this causing strife between you two? Because I find it hilarious. It's fine. It's fine. All right, Bob, are you ready? Oh, yeah. I'm going to kick your butt, Wade. All right. Don't tell us the name of what it is. We'll guess. All right. Yep. I got it. In no particular order.
11:46Wade:Oh, Mark, I got a guess for this one. Oh, you got a guess? Ah, damn. That's it. That's the whole sound. I think that's the sound. Are we just guessing now? Yeah, yeah, I guess. The Dickinsonia. You wish. It's the Jagdeterrier. It's pronounced Jagdeterrier, but no, it's not that. Why do we have to be the ones to pronounce these? I picked some of these things to make him pronounce them. Because he has to make the animal noises, man. Do you want to make the animal noises? Oh, what a twist of events now. Come on, you can read these. All right. X. Zola sequentially Is that the one? No Here let me do it again Think, think, what sounds like this Ow, ow I know what it is Ding, buzz, bamboo worms Yes, thank you You're keeping track of points right?
12:36Me? Yeah Sure, sure, sure Alright wait, I'm gonna kick your butt this episode Apparently, man how'd you get What else sounds like that? That sounds like worms I mean, it could have been the Lassapoo, you know, the Fertiland snake as like an embryo or something like that. We'll wax you. Do you guys have any points yet? I do. Yeah, aside from the one. Probably tons. Alright, next one.
13:03Could be anything.
13:09That's your guess first. I went first last time. It's gotta be the Fertiland snake. That is not what snakes sound like. Dan. The pesquets parrot. Dracula parrot. Pesquets parrot? No, it is not that. Is it the red-tailed cuckoo bumblebee? Is that one animal? No. That is one animal. It's not either of those, or if that's one animal, it's definitely not that. Been married for
13:33Wade:seven years. Is that Molly? She's not on the list. Oh, she is on the list. Sometimes. It's a hard to pronounce one. Do you want a clue? It's hard to pronounce. Gompotherium. That's not hard to pronounce It's hard for me I'm sorry, what? Nope, keep going No, I don't know what you were saying, keep trying Oh, Cephalaspis Cephalaspis? Oh, no, it's not that Okay It's a vestal cuckoo bumblebee No, but I like how many bumblebees there are on this list You said it's hard to pronounce Yorkie-a-po-o Yorkie-poo? The dog breed Yorkie poo No it's not that Caw caw Caw caw Caw caw I feel like this is going to be spot on When we check this one No It's two words Eared gravy Grebe No It's Hammond's flycatcher No No.
14:44Wade:Oh, damn. Szechuan taken. Tibetan taken. Two words. Just ones in parentheses. Two cents of two words. No, you guys are really digging all the way down until it's gonna be the last one that is two words. I got it. I got it. It's a Quetzalcoatlus Northropi. That can't be it. That is it. You guys are idiots. Hey, whoa, hey. It's the Quetzalcoatlus Northropi. It's a dinosaur bird. You know what Quetzalcoatlus is? Wait, how did you know what that was? Because I know what the fuck a Quetzalcoatlus is. Because it's a kind of dinosaur thing, and James likes dinosaurs. I didn't know we had dinosaurs on this list.
15:25Wade:I'm not going to lie. I didn't either. I didn't actually look at what the animals were. I didn't either. I just picked up fun names. All right, well, that's to me. I'm not. All right. I feel like you were trying to make me look stupid, and it's really backfiring. This is a little. I get it now. The room was clearly big leather wings. I see. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, you're gonna look like a fool when you do another impression This is gonna look bad on you and not us. We thought this one through Wrong we should make him guess his own impression that doesn't make sense We should have warmed up I've got one you ready.
16:03You got your listening ears on yep
16:15Wade:this one is spot on is it my guess yeah it's your guess yes you're oh man i know what i think it is it's gotta be a source obviously it's a source yes thank you it could it could have been a zonkey it could have been unless that goes zon oh sorry i don't want to ruin the it's not my impressions i apologize all right well i'm gonna cross that off the list now all right that's good there were two Z's anyway. Let's see. I don't know that this one specifically makes a lot of noise, but I'm gonna try and capture the soundscape of this animal.
16:53It's a northern alligator lizard. Point for Mark. Yep. Ah, see? I got that one. Because I got the big. He's a chomper. Yeah. If it had a Canadian accent, I feel like I would have gotten it faster, but close. Yeah, that's fair. I don't know how you chop with Canadian accent, but that's fine. Ay, ay. That's the best Canadian impression I've ever heard in my life. Ay, ay. Where do you keep your zebras, eh? Chomp? I'm toast if it's the best impression wheel. I got, are you ready for this one? Yeah. It's the physical and the sound. Okay, it's the whole thing. Never mind, I'll find someone else like you.
17:37Oh, thank God it's my turn. Adele's Penguin. Yeah, it's Adele's Penguin, obviously. I mean, it's Adelaide's Penguin. Adele's Penguin. Yeah, for a one-man show, I feel like it suddenly became on us, Wade.
17:49Wade:Yeah, it really flipped. We did a terrible job at this. You made you guys the guessers. Yeah. I'm nailing these. All right, Mark, I'll give you a softball. Okay.
18:03Oh,
18:05Wade:Mark, I know this one. It's the epic rap battles of history guys
18:18Is it the jadj terrier no man, I like where your heads at oh come on How is that not oh I know what it is. Oh, oh, this is clearly the Yorkie poo. That's correct, sir oh no my coinbase withdrawal code someone's hacking into my crypto oh bro you're so cooked right now i'm cooked i'm cooked don't click on those texts especially when you don't have one yeah since i don't use any crypto platforms at all i find it really easy to avoid those scams but all right um oh i know this one i know this one but small oh this is me first but real small I know this won't help you at all but there's a movie about this animal and the main character which is this animal is voiced by Lin-Manuel Miranda no damn it syphilis uh Molly dude if there was a biopic about Molly voiced by Lin-Manuel Miranda.
19:27I'd watch it. I'd even call it a biopic. So was that wrong? I was wrong.
19:32Wade:Oh, okay. You into theorem?
19:37Wade:Oh, okay. He's totally right. How are you going to make the noises before we're even guessing them right now? It's just cheating out here. Is that it? Is that the hood? Damn it. Is it gonfo theorem? No. Wow. Szechuan Taken. It's not Szechuan Takeout, no. You want a hint? No. Hot on the trail, why would you need a hint? Yeah, exactly. It's gotta be... Opabinia. No. Ah, fuck. Kinky Jow? Yes, it's pronounced Kinkajew. Jesus Christ. How is that small? They're small. They're small. They're like little purse monkeys. They're tiny. I don't even know what it is. How do you know these animals? Because there's a child's movie about a kinkajou that's voiced by Lin-Manuel Miranda And it has some really actually pretty good music in it.
Read the full transcript
20:29Wade:I doubt that very much Miranda from Mass Effect Ivan Strahovski, what's that called? It's not called Sony. It's by Sony Pictures. What's that called? Naughty Dog EA, 20th Century Fox Paramount, it's called Vivo His name is Vivo. I'm so close The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Now lime comes first.
21:147-Up. Flip the Sip.
21:44Wade:Where there's a will, we're on our way. Uber. On our way. Download the app today. Alright, well, I think, Wade, I think we should move on because we're getting our ass kicked. I think we should move on immediately. I think we're getting our ass kicked. Editors, Mark and I look good during that part. Yeah, exactly. Alright, so Wade, you introduce your next, uh, your next. So, one of the, the episodes of all time of Distractable was Bob's Fridge. So, we can't do a whole episode on it because this is a one-man show and we have other stuff to do. So I need you to do a super fast retelling of Bob's fridge, but without using any verbs.
22:19Wade:Do I get a script or synopsis or anything? No, no, no. You get to have lived it and retell it from memory. Yeah, but no verbs. And what do you think, Mark? We should put like one minute on the clock for him? Oh, he can have more than one minute. We can give him. It's a long story. You know, we'll just give him like if he runs on too long. Like it shouldn't last longer than three minutes, but we'll give him some time. No verbs is gonna be hard, but I think I can do it. Maybe you got it. Oh Hey, we're here to get. Oh hang on. Uh-huh Right now. Oh, never mind. Oh got it. Yep
23:03Fridge two guys front door me
23:21The one guy Inside
23:30Bush the bush the fridge the bush
23:41What's that? Oh no! Oh, is it water shut off? Nooo nooo nooo nooo It's a noun! You're right, you're right, you're right. Okay, I got it. Okay, you're good. Ah, new house? I don't know. It should be water shut off. Nooo nooo! Make this here!
24:02Sorry, bush! Anyway... Did I... that part? Yeah. Anyway, I don't think that's how you do fridge house Right thinks of her isn't it and think not when I do it
24:25Anger
24:33One acceptable Two guys
24:42fridge that was beautiful oh man i don't remember what not that much actually happened i was just so mad i kept talking about it yeah yeah i mean it's amazing what verbs will do to pad time out that was uh that was good i think in the original there was a lot of what's your house you gotta know
25:00Wade:where this is i'll just call a previous homeowner oh that's right yeah we're friends we get dinner I'm afraid to say or something. You know what, though? Beautiful retelling. I think everyone knows exactly what happened based on that retelling. Do they? All right. We've got another game for you here. It's one we've never done before. Wade just made it up right here on the spot. Do you have a D20? Yeah, I got one in here. Okay, I got one. Can you roll that D20? I did. I want you, or we want you. Wade came up with this mostly. But we want you to give us a sales pitch on various things that we're going to offer up to you.
25:40And you only have as many words as you rolled to sell it to us. That's deeply unfortunate. What'd you roll? Four. All right. Man, I really considered re-rolling that for a second. No, no, it's perfect.
25:57Wade:It's perfect. All right, Wade, you kick it off. Well, in four words, thanks to your roll, you need Mark and I to buy this broom. Dirty floor? Here, dumbass.
26:14Alright, that's great, man. Yeah, roll again. Oh, I get to re-roll? Thank God. No, you get another thing. Oh, 13. Oh, 13. Okay, this'll be great. Sell us on flip-flops in exactly 13 words.
26:29Wade:For clarification, is flip-flop one word? It's hyphenated? We'll count it as one word. Is this the topic? Yeah. I'm not selling anything yet. This is not an attempt to sell. I think flip-flop counts as one word because it's the word that we're giving you. Shoes too tight? Flip-flop. It's hyphenated, right? One word. Flip-flop. Yeah. Hyphenated. Yeah, but you have 13 words. Oh, I got the new number. Oh, shoes too tight? Flip-flop. Good. Because lots of space in flip-flop. All right.
27:02I forgot. I thought I was doing four words again. Yeah.
27:06Wade:That was great. Launch of room in flip-flop. What a bold start. Where is he going from here? It's the beauty of salesmanship. You just make it personable. You're just like, all right, buddy. Yeah, you got it, pal. Wait, you got the next one? Oh, yeah, man. I need another roll from you, Bob. 15. That's too bad. That's too bad. Good for you. In 15 words or less, You need to sell us an aquarium. Not like a whole aquarium you go to, but like, you know, an aquarium you keep all your fish. Where are you going to keep those stupid fucking fish? Right inside this awesome aquarium. I was 15, didn't it?
27:44I'm at 14. What are you at, Mark? Buddy. Buddy. All right, buddy. You got me. All right. All right. Great. Excellent. Excellent, man. You're doing so good. I got another four. Ooh. Four words. Sell me on condoms. Who even wants babies?
28:09Alright, bye bye bye.
28:12Wade:Oh, come on, seven. Uh oh. Uh oh. What'd you do? Alright, in seven words, unfortunately we're stealing three of them. Rasputin's preserved penis. And if you don't know what this is, I can show you a picture. World War I era penis for sale!
28:34I don't know what that is. Is it actually a penis? Okay, so it's - if you Google this, which I recommend everyone at home do, Rasputin's preserved penis, uh, I won't share it for the sake of the editors, but everyone can go look and just Google that. It is unconfirmed if it is at all real. Why wouldn't it be real? Some have said it's an animal penis of some type or some kind of amalgamation of something or another. But there it is.
29:05Wade:I like that there's several women looking at it like, oh, and there's one guy that's like. By several women, do you mean the picture of the same woman? No, there's two. There's one on the top row for me. And then there's like the blonde lady is like peering over the side. That is the penis. I do believe was Rasputin like doing his thing before World War I, but it's, it's up there. Wasn't he the, wasn't that the start of World War I? No, that's Franz Ferdinand. Oh, close enough. Rasputin was the, uh, the advisor to one of the people in Russia. 1916 murder. World War I era. I mean, I'm giving it to you.
29:42Wade:He was assassinated in 1916. All right, roll again. 18. 18? Well, that's almost too many. All right. Braces. Those crooked-ass teeth ain't gonna fix themselves. Put some of this metal shit in there. I got 18, I think. Oh, God. Crooked-ass teeth ain't gonna fix themselves. 10. Put some of this metal shit in there. 8. Put some of this metal shit in there. That's only 7. Some of. I didn't say some of as one word for me. I said some of this metal shit. Okay, yes. Absolutely. If you give me one more word, I know what I'd add Pal Can't be done, we can give you another dice roll Two, oh How do you feel about number nine for this?
30:28Wade:Go for it In two words, you have to sell us a used kidney Still works
30:39I got a buddy that needs a kidney, yeah That's the most valuable kind, the working kind Roll one more time Thirteen All right, you sold me a condom. I want you to sell me a used condom. How many words? 13? 13. Yes, this is a used condom. Be not afraid. It still works. Well, yes, this is a used condom. Yes, this is a used condom. Be not afraid. Oh, that is 12. Partner.
31:15we've got a real nice one for you bob a really good one to finish it off am i rolling again no no no you you we we won this game we won uh thank you kind host for giving us that game and now what we need from you is the thing that everyone loves from bob the name bob is synonymous with a rage-fueled pirate that goes on and on and on and on. We're going back to Don't Get Me Started. Oh, hooray. Okay, and we only have one suggestion for this. We do? Well, we'll see how the first one goes. That's fair. All right, Wade, do you want to give him the suggestion? Nope. All right, I guess I'll do it. I want you to don't get me started on Spotify.
32:17And we have to keep you in line. Don't even get me started on Spotify. I'm going to ease into it. Careful. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. I have one low level gripe and a long list of high level gripes. We'll start with the low level one. Green logo. green? Really? Green? That's the green logo? Are you sure? I said it was a low-level gripe, but it's just ugly. Like, this is maybe personal taste. I'm not getting too worked up about this. But they're really sticking to the green logo. If you look at the list of apps on your phone or your computer or wherever, you see a lot of other green shit in there.
33:02You see a lot of green popping up, aesthetically pleasing green. No, you don't. No. No, everyone's gone the other way. Green is a terrible choice. It's ugly. I hate it. Anyway. The working conditions.
33:22Hang on, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, I don't want to go down that path. The working conditions are fine. The working conditions are great. They're great. Everyone's really happy. But the residuals for artists.
33:39they're great. They make, they're fine. I've only heard good things. I've only heard good things. I've, I'm pretty sure that I can't think of any notable artists who've had any gripes with Spotify, a high slop. Hmm. Hmm. Allegedly. And probably false. If we're honest with ourselves, there's just channels and channels of artists that are not real people. Allegedly. they are just AI generated slop. Allegedly, they sound almost indistinguishable from regular music, except that also they're completely uncanny. Allegedly, they just randomly get worked into whatever playlist you're listening to. If it's on shuffle or auto, whatever the hell.
34:25Allegedly, that's some bullshit. And also, allegedly. But Spotify, what else do they do? Oh, shuffle. What a joke. Whoever programmed your shuffle feature, try again. Wrong. It's not a shuffle. It's just a predetermined order that it always plays in. If you start the same playlist from the top of the list and hit shuffle, it always plays the same fucking songs. How do you even do that? That doesn't even make sense. Just use some input that's different every day, like the time or the date or what it's like they generated one random number and we're like that's enough seeds just use this one every time or what how does that happen and why isn't it fixed this is tough guys have i talked recently about how much i love spotify have i told you guys that should we not even get you started it doesn't have to be angry that's the thing it is just don't even get me started on three lines in the logo oh if it wasn't green i'd be there already don't even get me started on spotify they think they have competitors nobody competes with spotify well those are music apps called you don't even know because you never used them you just put spotify on there and that's the one you click on you don't use spotify all the best artists who matter are on Spotify and any of them who aren't on Spotify are probably garbage.
35:56Honestly, I know it's controversial. I just don't have a lot of feelings about Spotify. I'm not going to lie. I don't know how long you thought that was going to go, but like their company, I think we all know how we feel about companies. They're the best. Mark, what do we do next? I'm writing his outro. Hold on. Great. All right. But did you have another thing for me to rant about that was Worse than Spotify Well
36:16Wade:Well Wait Yeah there's another thing on the list James Knowing that he will definitely see this In a couple of years Don't even get me started on James I don't think Anyone would keep loving me Endlessly and without any reason Whatsoever they could possibly determine If I continued to shit my pants on a daily basis I don't know why he thinks he's gonna keep Getting away with it Listen here mister one of these days that's gonna be enough shit in the pants that I can't tell you when but I'm just gonna snap and then there's gonna be no more poop in the pants and another thing he always wants attention you know he's coming up to me and you're like dad dad look dad you're my hero dad I love you so much dad dad dad dad dad take it easy okay calm down lots of people love me i get it from all sides i don't need it when i get home from work all right just take a breath you got two parents i don't see you well actually probably all over your mom more than you're on me but i don't see you all over the dog like you're all over me and she's easy you drop food for her all the time accidentally just give her some cheerios and she'll let you do like whatever she don't even care man i'm really trying to think of a third thing it's okay because we i wrote here do you remember on unisonous where i was going through ethan's like maze and there was a bucket of fish and i was like i'm not doing that and he was like that's okay boundaries are important We wrote that in person It literally did That's fine, that's fine I'm almost done with this I have your outro I think we can close it up This is beautiful That was great Bob I think it's time to wrap up this episode I just don't Take it away Oh my god, that's a lot of scrolling up Oh lord, oh Lou What a show through and through With vim and vigor and a big smile or two, I am so pleased.
38:27I am so teased. Tweak your nipples and sing Black Eyed Peas. Tonight's gonna be a good night. Can you see that I was tweaking my nipples?
38:38Wade:Yeah, I saw. Oh, I thought you were commanding us. I didn't get this script. Hee hee. Hoo hoo. Chim chiminey churru. Oh, long pause. I didn't read it. Oh, thanks. Churru!
38:54These two best friends of mine And not vice versa really showed Such an incredible performance Riff about Mark's performance while performing A 10 out of 10 perfect driving Crooner what's that I don't know what a driving crooner is Oh what is that It's a bit from that show the guy that I think You should leave and it's okay Wait you can google it
39:16Wade:What the fuck a driving crooner is either Is that the stickers on the window? Yeah. Okay, so it's like the fedora and the cigar stickers on the window, and then you're like... Don't worry, the editors will put it there for you. Okay, editors driving cruder me. Is there a voice that goes with this or something? No. Oh, I don't know what this is. Oh, Mark. Mark, you did so great today. I must have earned five times as many points as Wade because of all the correct guessing and all of the good dice rolling you made me do and all of the watching. Couldn't have been better. That might have been the best episode Mark's ever had.
39:54Thank you, thank you. Low bar. Nah, high bar. The top 10 performances on Distractable are now all Mark. Push Bob's fridge right off the 10 spot into the bottom of the barrel. Wayne only wishes he's ever had a top 10 spot, but...
40:08Wade:I thought this was a co-hosting thing. Why is this so one-sided of an outro? This might as well be called Distractable and Friends, starring, featuring, presented by a Markiplier or some such. Ah, but how could that compare to the other competitor? Oh, I didn't read any further beyond the one that, okay. Riff about Wade's performance while snapping your fingers like a cool jazz guy. You just fucking, that one moment from filming in space, you just remember that one fucking thing, huh? Yep, yep, yep. Yeah. Yeah, Wade. Bald. Funny. Correct. Oh yeah. Wade, you're so groovy. You're so jazzy. If peeing your pants is cool, I'd call you Wade Barnes.
40:57Cause you don't pee your pants. You just wind distractible. Anyway, how could I decide? God, how could you burden me with this responsibility? I am a mere mortal, incapable of these monumental decisions. You raise me up So I can stand on mountains You raise me up I know something You raise me up Anyway, here's the winners from the points
41:33Wade:I'm an Emmy loosing writer The wonder mark's been unable to sleep this week He was working on this just working on this so long. The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Now lime comes first. 7 up Flip the sip Mark you earned points for Fuck Piss Fuck Fuck me Shit God damn it And Bamboo worms Wade you earned points for It's just a bunch of fucks Mostly The final score being Bob with negative 10 I just sort of threw that in I assumed that'd be where that was coming from Based on the script Mark with 7 And Wade With 10 Oh shit!
42:42I knew it. I knew it. Oh my god. There's no way this could be a tie again and it land on another one man show. Fucking better not. That would, you know what though, based off the coin flip and all the bad luck I've ever had and everything, that would be...
42:56Wade:What if we just make the final score 11-10-9 and really tempt the fates? I'm the host, but you are the script... ...turs... ...the creators? How many bonus pins will there be?
43:12I still I could I could have a chance here I could have a chance it's two two for all the listeners uh what am I adding to the bonus wheel oh overlords oh uh add add a percent to the tie wheel how much percent three 20 add 20 I mean I guess it is add 10 let's say add 10 percent to and that's 10 percent of the whole pie add 10 percent to the one-man show Yeah, 10 % chance. No way that'll come up. I know what I'm adding when I get a chance.
43:42Wade:Subtract 30 % from one-man show. One-man show no longer exists. Alright, two spins. I don't want to host that shit. Oh, lie points don't count. We didn't have any lies, I don't think, this time. So, three spin, I suppose.
44:01Fastest response? I mean, I had some pretty quick ones on the animal noises. When you guys guessed the animal first try once or twice. That was me. I did that. I did that. Yeah. I think I get this. I think I get this. I think I get it.
44:16Wade:I got Zorse, but I think Mark said the moment you stopped, he just spouted one out, I think. So, yeah. All right. Point to Mark. Excellent. Excellent. One more spin. What could possibly go wrong? On sudden death, it's a tie. Oh, give that to you, Bob. Give it to you. All right. All right. Well done, Bob. Plus one for me. Yeah. Wow, that's not how you spell either of those words. Anyway, that makes the final score. Mark with eight and Wade with ten. Which means Wade gets to host the next one. Man. Hold on, Bob. That was great. I mean, I had a great time. I had a great time. I had a really good time.
45:00I needed a nap. I wanted to give people a taste of, like, when Tyler and Ethan scripted me, my one-man show. I just wanted to get that in there. I don't know how you turn the animal noises around on us, but I'm uh...
45:11Wade:That really did flip. As soon as we had to guess, I was like, oh no. I picked names that I thought he wouldn't be able to pronounce. I didn't want to have to do it. I actually knew a lot of those animals. I was pretty surprised. Speed retelling of Bob's fridge with no verbs was... Mark, loser speech? You know, I may have lost, but I don't feel like a loser. I think everybody won today, even though I actually lost. And yeah, I mean, I can see that. I was literally typing the outro as we were in the episode, so I can see that. I can see that. I can see it. Wade, winner speech? Don't know how we got here.
45:43Wade:Don't know how I ended up on top. But I'm glad to be here. Bald, winning, life's good. Remember to take out the trash. All the important things in life are just going my way. Just both of those, all of the important things, that's it. Winning, bald, and trash. I think that's in like the Declaration of Independence even. I remember the Nicolas Cage movie. I actually need a nap, but that's the end of the episode. Wade is going to host the next one. because he won somehow. I didn't write any of your animals down. I was so impressed when you got the bamboo worms, Mark. I was really proud of you. Thank you.
46:13Thank you. Thank you very much. That might have been worth four points. Might have been. Too late to find out. Viewers, listeners, make sure you follow the podcast so that you know when episodes come out. It'll give you notifications. You can follow Mark, Wade, and myself on our other social platforms and stuff. Anyway, that's the end of the episode. Wade, host the next one already. Okay. Until then, podcast out. Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of - Oh, not yet.
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