In short
Distractable episode “Buy My Thing!” mixes small talk with a chaotic sales-pitch game, plus a long story from Mark about getting special escorted access at the Oscars and accidentally missing the public red carpet. The game has rounds where each host pitches a product, the other rebuts, and then a final rebuttal decides points; they also do extra wheel spins for categories like “best mental image.”
Guests
None. The episode features the regular hosts: Mark (Markiplier), Bob (Balderdash Bob), and Wade (Wiggling Wade) as co-hosts/participants.
Guest backgrounds
Not applicable (no guest interviewees). Mark and Bob are YouTube personalities; Wade is the third host.
Key claims
Mark says he was guided through a back door/side path at the Oscars, avoiding the main red carpet; the celebrities all used the normal route, while his group was “taken care of” separately.
Notable examples
Selling “shoes” to prevent cat shit/toe embedding; “beans” as a rebuttal tied to Great Depression/Dust Bowl imagery; selling absurd “Rangemaster 9000” and “Ove Master 9001” ovens with “secret” extra burners.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOHosts' Hairy Banter
0:44 to 2:00
The hosts engage in humorous small talk about hair and grooming.
“I'm just gonna have this tiny little bit of beard.”
Household Records and Pets
2:00 to 4:06
Discussion about pet mishaps and unusual household records involving pets.
“We set a record for the household in the last week.”
The Real Good AI Writing Competition
4:06 to 6:13
Announcement and details about a writing competition run by a nonprofit.
“I don't know if anyone who watches this or listens to this is a writer or fancies himself a writer.”
Mark's Oscars Experience
6:13 to 10:48
Mark shares his experience attending the Oscars, complete with humorous anecdotes and illustrations.
“The rest of life is a hellish puke-filled nightmare right now.”
Arriving at the Oscars
10:48 to 14:00
Mark describes the elaborate security and layout as he arrives at the Oscars.
“And so I'm going to, how do I do layers?”
Mark's Bigfoot Museum Adventure
14:00 to 21:05
Mark recounts his amusing experience at a Bigfoot museum with unexpected perks.
“You know, who edits my videos was just at a Bigfoot museum.”
Oscar Night Antics
21:05 to 22:21
Discussion about Mark's experiences at the Oscars, including celebrities and seating arrangements.
“You showed up inside the building and some guy in a walkie-talkie was like, why the fuck is he still alive?”
Awkward Name Encounters
22:21 to 24:19
The hosts share stories about mispronouncing names and navigating social situations.
“I hope you guys never run into Babe from the Cincinnati Acquire.”
Introducing the Game: Buy My Thing
24:19 to 28:01
The hosts introduce a new game where they pitch products to each other.
“Speaking of trendy, no one gets a segue point because none of this is like anything that I'm doing.”
The Cat Poop Shoe Pitch
28:01 to 29:54
A humorous pitch about the necessity of shoes to protect against pet messes.
“And he wants to do it a lot, and he wants to do it everywhere.”
Show all 22 chapters
Beans vs. Shoes Debate
29:55 to 31:50
A lively debate ensues as one host counters another's shoe pitch with a beans pitch.
“Well, anyway, since we're here, you know, I might as well.”
Rebuttal Rounds
31:51 to 34:55
The hosts go back and forth with their rebuttals, emphasizing the importance of their products.
“Just one second Just doing a little preparation here Oh is he still selling shoes?”
Selling the Rangemaster 9000
34:56 to 36:55
A detailed and comedic description of a fictional oven, the Rangemaster 9000.
“The chick with an apostrophe N Chik-chikin Clearly that's B E A N Z and not how I spelled it B E N B E E N S The Benz?”
The Ove Master 9001 Presentation
36:56 to 42:00
A contrasting pitch for another oven, the Ove Master 9001, highlighting its unique features.
“I'm not even gonna bother with the entry level models.”
Rebuttals with No Verbs
42:00 to 45:40
The hosts engage in a humorous challenge to communicate without using verbs.
“Mark do you want a rebut With no verbs Oh Me Me?”
Points and Art in the Game
45:40 to 47:15
Discussion of scoring and artistic contributions during the game.
“I think I was it's not nine ovens It is a lot of ovens you could be a man who owns nine ovens, but I guess you won't the secret ninth dick oven That is pretty good.”
Point Analysis and Small Talk
47:15 to 49:15
Detailed breakdown of points awarded and reactions to their contributions.
“Because I don't know what the fuck that is.”
Wheel Spins and Game Mechanics
49:15 to 50:35
The hosts discuss the mechanics of their game and spin the wheel for points.
“I wasn't expecting put twos newts in a poto people Well, let's see how many pointless spins we can have today.”
Dreading the Recording
50:35 to 52:55
Bob shares his exhaustion from parenting duties and dreads the recording session.
“Well, now the words are so small, I can't fucking really tell anyway.”
Final Spins and Celebratory Banter
52:55 to 56:03
The hosts conclude with final spins, scoring, and lighthearted banter about their drawings and points.
“Yeah, I gotta give that one to Bob Doesn't even matter, who fucking cares Doesn't matter, it's stupid Well, I mean it affects the total points you have doesn't it.”
Baseball Game and Boxes
56:03 to 59:11
The hosts humorously discuss a baseball game using creative analogies and visuals.
“No, there's a baseball game happening over here with baseball man McGee about to swing his baseball bat It's brown.”
Oscar Reflections and Listener Engagement
59:11 to 1:00:15
The hosts reflect on their episode's content, teasing upcoming episodes and merchandise.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This illustrated episode, Wiggling Wade, greatest host of the generation, reinvents the wheels of commerce. Balderdash Bob has his house communally pebbledashed, requests short stories, and treads in shit. Masturbating Mark evades the red rug, draws snipers, tartipoos, dicks, and zordon, then gets dusty with eight hot rings. From badger beards to range masters Yes! It's time for Buy My Thing Now sit back And prepare to be distracted And enjoy the show
0:47Mark Fischbach:Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractable I am today's host because I'm bald And bald people have rights too I found out Joined as always by my co-hosts Who similarly to disagree with that Mark and Bob Hey what's up Hey what's up How's it going my haired fellows Feeling hairy Hairtastic Hair incredible Hairrific Hairrific I got my head shaved again And I'm at the point now where there's so little color left When I get my head and beard shaved That it's like Please stay Stay little fella Don't go Just gotta cut the gray So that it'll slowly erode from a goatee down to a mustache.
1:28Mark Fischbach:I'm just gonna have this tiny little bit of beard. It looks so bad. It's just an outline of your lips. I've always thought this was the best facial hair. Call it my extra smoochers. Ugh. Mm-hmm. Wouldn't be a good look. I'd have a little bit of like a really terrible handlebar. Anyway, if you've never seen the show before Then I don't know why you tuned into this specific episode But this is the one you found, I'm not going to explain the rules today Because I'm tired, I don't feel like it We're going to jump into small talk I have a whole bunch, something happened this weekend And it's so crazy because we're doing one a week So it's actually like, this weekend was nuts Actually stuff happened Yeah, that's fair I guess actually when it comes out it'll be last weekend So Bob, do you want to go first before I hand over the Yeah, Bob, do you want to I feel like I have the opposite of what Mark is about to talk about.
2:22We set a record for the household in the last week. I didn't know household records existed. How many days have you ever gone with, how do I phrase this, where you had a dog or a baby throw up or poop inside the house? Our record is 10 in a row.
2:44Mark Fischbach:Wow. I've got a cat. You didn't mention cats. Our record is specifically a cat. Cats can count. Cats can count. Yeah, Keter's stopped using his potty pads again. So we've had, I don't know how many days in a row, but. A lot? It's been a minefield coming to my office. It's been a mine. Anywhere there's carpet, you never know anymore. Your feet will tell you for either one or two. Lovely. That sort of undercuts the dramatic storytelling I was building up there. But no, please go ahead. It's not a fun tale for me. Our house has been sick and Lexi is, I don't know, an idiot. And uh she We can't leave Lexi in her cage anymore I mean she's not an idiot she's old is the problem And she gets too anxious so we can't leave her in her cage anymore Or she poops and then she eats the poops And then she throws up poops Which is somehow worse Than either individual Wait yeah it's not That's not pleasant that's yeah And then when she does that she then proceeds To throw up for like the next 24 to 48 Hours because It was gross which I have to give her credit for.
3:47I think that's the right call. I think I would throw up too. Very gross. Very gross. There's an exciting thing that I'm going to talk about that is exciting for me and other people. And I'm only shilling a little bit here. Did you know the Real Good AI, the nonprofit that was founded by Mark and run by my wife, is having a writing competition? I don't know if anyone who watches this or listens to this is a writer or fancies himself a writer. You should look into it though real good ai.org slash the scary tapes because it's a ai horror writing competition and the winners of the competition are uh in some fashion going to be made into podcast episodes where they're going to be read and slash performed in a way um possibly by us or other voice actors or that part's not set yet, but the winners win a cash prize.
4:44And also it'll be like an October podcast series. It'll be fun. It'll be scary. Scary stuff. That sounds great. That sounds awesome. So if you want to write a story, I think it's like, oh, seven to 10 ,000 words or something like that. It's like kind of short story form, but not too short. Check it out. Look at the website, realgoodai.org slash the scary tapes. I'm excited. I want to start reading them. I realized this takes time and this thing just started. So no one's submitted any stories yet, but like I'm a and I don't think I get to pick I'm not like a judge or anything, but I just want to read them see what people have.
5:20That's exciting How many royalties do I get? Um as the career sayer of the original the scary tape I feel I'm owed a fat
5:30Mark Fischbach:85 % how much of the charity funds this market to skim off the top? Come on. Well, you fund the whole organization that's running it and you're a co-equal member of the show. And I mean, pretty much all of them. Really? Realistically. So I could legally. Oh, wow. Sweet. Good. All my people will email your people, by which I mean, I'll email the lawyers and they'll tell me what's going to happen. Mark's going to go to jail. It's going to happen. Mark got a cease and desist and jail time. Yay. Yeah. But yeah, aside from all the puke and the dog pooping and the dog pooping puking, I'm really excited about that.
6:11I'm focusing on the writing competition. Submit stories. Please distract me. The rest of life is a hellish puke-filled nightmare right now. So, Mark, yours sounded like way more fun. I'm ready to hear this. I want to hear it. It was fun. I will not deny. Even more fun when I saw headlines being written, especially by hometown Cincinnati Inquirer written by Bebe Bebe Bebe Hodges Bebe Hodges I am so sorry I love when Bebe writes us some notes Babe Markiplier's at the Oscars This headline is so funny Milford Grad gets lost at the Oscars Quote the whole carpet's red
7:03ah man you know i hope i had oh it's so funny
7:11yep it just really makes me seem like a bumbling fool at the oscars so to defend myself i'm actually doing a first for the small talk portion i am going to be the listeners are gonna get mad the earliest they've ever been in an episode because i'm drawing things on the screen because i need to uh to properly illustrate how this all went down are we getting a map of the oscars yep you're getting a map of the oscar behold wow paint all right so it's nothing right now but hold on let me i'm ready editors are gonna love this one because i'm gonna make them look at stuff later too yeah it's all good okay so first off you have hollywood boulevard right so you got you know it's it's holly i don't know why i'm writing this out hollywood hollywood i don't see enough sex shops to believe you okay here we go x x x x hollywood style you know what i mean they got the extra x god dang wow the quadruple x and then across the street you know they only got three and a half x's and they're real mad about it.
8:20The triple X slash. So, and then there's this one guy that actually, this guy actually exists, and he was real mad. He was all like, you bastards, middle finger, okay, out, and let's say he had his dick. I thought that was his face. Is that his body? He has a dick in his hands. Okay. It's top down. That's the top of his head. Yeah, it's top down. He's a bald. He's a bald.
8:43Mark Fischbach:He's really got a char... He's got a charlie brown hair thing going on there. Oh, there you go. Now you can tell. He was real mad. That is not a Hitler mustache. No, this is just a real Google image search of Hollywood Boulevard right here. Okay. Anyway, so I'm going to take that back. So we're in cars, right? So we're in our fancy Uber black or whatever the Lyft equivalent is. We're not sponsored by anyone anymore because we're so alone. So we're driving here, and there's multiple checkpoints here, right? Well, actually, let me make this different color. So what's crazy about it is it was like heightened security.
9:19I don't know if this is how this is always like this, but there's like cops drive forward a full block sniper, right? There's a fucking guy holding a sniper rifle who's fighting every urge in his body to do this.
9:34Mark Fischbach:Lying prone on the road. Yeah. No, he's on a vehicle. This is another - It's the roof of a van. It's clearly a van. Yeah. See, it's got the mirrors and it's got the trunk. the tail anyway so we're driving along we go in stages right so there's a full block right this is a full block block yeah i'm with you there's swervy barriers literally puzzle style like this uh each time you go to checkpoint here you had to open the trunk this is the the trunk you know and then you had to pop the hood you know that's the hood there and the engine right pop the hood God. Yeah. And then turn off the car and they had a dog walk around.
10:16They had a little, little boofy dog, you know, sniffing.
10:23Mark Fischbach:Does that dog have udders? No, it's on the prowl. That's what it is on the prowl. It's actually a tardigrade poodle mix. It's called a poodigrade. How is the car tail better than the dog's tail? It would a hundred percent be called a tardipoo, wouldn't it? I messed that up real bad. Depends on the mix. If it's the father and the mother, you know. Yeah. No, that's right. It depends on the genealogy. Has it dad? Tardoodle? Tardoodle. Anyway, so we finally get here. And so I'm going to, how do I do layers? I'm going to hide in that layer, right? Yeah. Gone. So we make it to the Oscars through all the security, right?
11:00So the Oscars is set up in a way where there's a street intersection here. And you don't know that because it's all hidden by drapery now and fake hedges. So you got, man, listeners are seething.
11:13Mark Fischbach:I can't wait for BB to write another article. It's like Mark doesn't know how many legs the dog has. Listeners are crashing their cars on purpose just so they could start watching. Markiplier thinks cars have tails. Here's his artwork proving it. Yes, yes. So we have three lanes. We get out. We go here. There's lines that start up basically from here and funnel you in this way. It's like a narrow path that opens up like this, right? So we're walking. Me and Amy, we're walking in and we're walking in and we're walking in. And then there's a series of gates here, right? So it's gates to check your badges to make sure.
11:50No red carpet yet. No, it's red. This is all red. Sorry. Okay. It is all red. The red starts all red. Got it. Yep. It's red. So it's all red carpet, right? Everything's red. Like you're filming Iron Lung all over again. Exactly. 100%. You're with it. You got it, man. You're the greatest host of our generation. Babe. That's the name of the person who wrote that article She's not here Anyway funnel back down Squeeze So we squeeze in here And then the actual red carpet Is right over here Actual I'm having a stroke That says actual Actual Pictual Actual It was written in this weird font I couldn't read it.
12:39This is where the problem started, right? I was like, oh man. So our journey is now funneling down into here. And there was some nice people working that recognized me and said, hi, that was lovely to get in here. So we break up into three lanes going into the official red carpet. This is how it's all laid out. photo
13:03photo photo photo
13:09people you know the photo people photo people photo people sure sure so the way it works out is like we couldn't see this right there's a s bend and it kind of opens up Probably actually I didn't even see it, but I think it goes like that right so this is red car Pet so this is it this is the main thing this is where the people be walking
13:38Mark Fischbach:You know this is where the people are they all direct no no this is foots
13:48Mark Fischbach:The big dick energy in Hollywood
13:55Oh, you didn't say Bigfoot was there. Shit. He was. He was. It was crazy. You know, who edits my videos was just at a Bigfoot museum. I didn't know. I think actually it must have gone like this because I didn't see that happening. So I think it actually was like this because I didn't see any of this. There were three lanes of people here and there's a door right here. Right. So we're about here. We get in and then boom. Hello. They're not this big. This is not to scale. Huge head. This is like a Wizard of Oz head situation.
14:28Mark Fischbach:Did they have Mr. Potato Head greeted you? Tiny eyes. That's scary. Buck tooth. No, they were very nice. So this lovely person said, Mark. Oh, and Amy. Oh, it's so good to see you. We've been told to take really good care of you, right? I'm going to pass you off to my associate who is literally right here. Hello. they knew they knew they'd be here eventually on this they have their own tablet and they also are like oh hi mark we've been told to take really good care of you so we've gone like this is this is like 10 steps right she goes now well if you come with me there's a side path that we're gonna take you through right and i said oh well you know i don't usually like cutting lines i'm good to wait, you know, like, no, no, no.
15:17We've been told to take really, really good care of you.
15:20Mark Fischbach:Keep this guy off the red carpet. Got it. I don't know if that's true, but it did turn out that way. Let this guy nowhere near the red. Bigfoot's over there. Mark can't be over there. So this door has no signs on it, no label. I don't even think it had a handle, right? It's just... It just became a door and opened when you thought about it correctly. I don't recall her opening it. I don't recall. So it opens, right? Squeak. It's a very floppy door. So hold on here. It is a very floppy, a floppy handle-less door. Yeah, well, that would make sense. It didn't have a handle, yeah. It might have opened the other way, but I'm not going to redraw it.
15:59I don't know if that detail makes the story or breaks it. I don't know either, but we're here. So we go through here. And wouldn't you know it? It's also red carpet here. And I'm like thinking, hey, this is all good. You know, why not? Yeah, they want to get me to the front. All you YouTube's doing the treat me treatment. You know, I'm really anyway. There's another person. Another person is very happy to see me. It's the first person just in a mustache.
16:33Hello. And then they're like this way. They're pointing. Oh, my God. I would not follow that finger. Jesus Christ. They must have been real happy to see with a pointer like that. So it's this way. So at this point, we're just like, and she's telling us like, hey, don't worry. There's like a photo. You'll go to the stairs. You can take photos there. And up at the top, there's a photographer with next to Oscar statues, which we did get that picture. And it looks very good. Go this way right here to this other person who's right here. Still happy to see me, you know.
17:11go that way oh no oh the pointer finger length was a dead giveaway mark this guy this guy was muscular by the way i don't know why that stands out to me but he's got muscles right i just appreciate that they're all bald i don't i think that it looks like an okay symbol right it's okay go this way right there was another box here where there were people here um and they were taking pictures and observing. And I thought it was like a secondary Poto people. Mini Poto people. This is how we missed walking the red carpet. Legitimately. Hi, hi, hi this way. And we just buy the whole thing. And it literally all of this joins back up right around the corner, like right here.
18:00It funnels all back down. There's a slight turn here and then it goes up the stairs to lead to the theater where you go in there to the Oscars. So we were escorted that way.
18:12Mark Fischbach:So is this one of those things where they like had like traditional superstar celebs walk outside? And because like, or people that were nominated outside or - We thought that, but no, all of the, all the celebrities, they just go, I guess through this door. All those fucking losers just go on the normal red carpet. yeah so yeah all of the the celebrities all the nominees they went this way and we went there weren't many people walking who all went this way it's like exclusively mark they're like i'm not saying anything there's no conspiracies here but this is just these people that were taking good care of you were they like oh boy hey mark we're gonna take you a real special you know what it might be it might be i can't say one way or another but this is the this is the truth and so what what the funny thing is and i'll try to draw this is fede who works he's like the head of movies at youtube who helped get me the the invite i'm gonna try to draw his face when And I told him I had somehow missed the entirety of the, let's see, let's preemptively get these under there.
19:33Mark Fischbach:Oh, he looks like me right now. What a happy, lively guy. I didn't know he was a South Park character. That's crazy. After I told him that.
19:48Mark Fischbach:He looks like the dude that eventually was in charge of the Power Rangers Zorg or whatever his name was Yeah, and I can't be sure But I'm pretty sure I might have seen a little bit of a tear form It kind of looks like if he opened his mouth He'd be like, ah, jeez, Rick I bet he can't wait to invite you again after this depiction And I remember him saying something along the lines of Let me type it out I don't know why, but the size would have been good if the press knew you were here, I guess. Oh, it's so small. Oh, wait, no, it was, fuck, it's so small. Oh, it would have been good if the press knew you were here, I guess.
20:33So I just... Zordon. My heart crush Zordon, that's his name? Oh, I wouldn't, of course I can't edit that. That is how that looks now. Fucking Tidiest words You couldn't tell me Here's spelled E-T-A Shut up I can't English isn't his first language Right Apparently it's not mine either There we go okay is that better Is that better for you alright I'm done
21:01Mark Fischbach:Yeah I just want to get this right for the Cincinnati Inquirer that is the story of how I missed the red carpet So it wasn't your fault the M &M Sent you the wrong way i mean yeah very much i damn blue disney m &ms it really was a thing where i even said like look i'm good to wait and then they looked at me like and then i went i guess i've never been here before so you would know best so i'll follow your lead all right through the door let's get through the door they weren't malicious at all they were very nice and they have those ipads because they have to memorize the faces and names of everyone that shows up there and there must have been a big note by mine.
21:39Warning, this guy's from YouTube. Take really good care of him. You showed up inside the building and some guy in a walkie-talkie was like, why the fuck is he still alive? What did you assholes do out there? You just happened to survive. The sniper was just laying out, sun tanning. With the old Leslie Nielsen like, oh, my shoe's untied. Whoop. Pew. Goes right over. Next year, I'll get him next year.
Read the full transcript
22:07Mark Fischbach:I should just end the episode I don't think any game I can do can Compete with what we just witnessed Oh hey we're only doing one episode a week Might as well make it short and Worse than they were before Excellent alright well I hope you all enjoyed Mark's Oscar episode The Oscars themselves were very nice I ate a lot of food there But the rest of it was fine I don't even know how this works are they all celebrities Because it's in the Dolby right Which is a big theater but it's not like it's 10 ,000 people or something it's no no i think it's like max capacity is actually well i don't even know what is uh capacity and then the dolby like a couple thousand at most like it's like a 15 1800 seater isn't it 3400 so yeah we we're in the mezzanine the first level above the ground floor all the celebrities are up in the front like bottom the good seats but we have good seats too the majority of the people there are industry people like producers directors the people that work in the post and the production side of it um the crews of those that were nominated they just put the celebrities up in front so i was up there i was actually sat next to fede and his wife i hope i'm pronouncing his name correctly because every ever since i learned his name i've kind of just whenever i've seen oh fede how are you hey champ hey i have totally misheard someone's name before and then tried to mumble it to get away with it i've been there where you're like uh christine christina Hey, Chrissy.
23:26Mark Fischbach:How are you? Hey, Crayola. Hey, how are you? Crayola. Good to see you. Oh, my God. I hope you guys never run into Babe from the Cincinnati Acquire. Probably Bebe. If I had to guess. It probably is Bebe. Listen, babe. Well, I mean, you know, I don't think we were mentioned at all, so Bob and I are probably safe. Yeah. That was the way you look and the way you just, it was like Keanu Reeves was in the room with me again. I don't know what I have that's giving very Keanu today. I don't even have my long hair anymore. Something with the shirt, man. I don't know. That feels very Mr. Reeves. It's an iron lung t-shirt.
24:02Mark Fischbach:Oh. Well, less so whenever I see the bottom. I guess it was just the really high neck top, maybe? I don't know. That's a cool shirt. Thanks. No one else can ever get it. Can we have one? No. Okay. It never got made. This is a prototype of an old design that didn't make the cut. So you're wearing garbage. Yes, I'm wearing literal garbage. That's pretty cool. That sounds trendy. Speaking of trendy, no one gets a segue point because none of this is like anything that I'm doing. But I do have a game. So what we're going to do is we're going to do a game and I just call it Buy My Thing. We can change the name later, of course.
24:36Mark Fischbach:But right now that's the prototype. I don't know if it'll be a distributor. You guys might not be able to wear it, but as of right now, that's the prototype I'm working on. One of you is going to get a prompt and it's going to be a thing that you're trying to sell to me. You want me to buy your thing. The next person will spin the wheel and they're going to try to get me to buy their thing instead. And they get to respond to the first person's sales pitch, you know, whatever, rebut it. And then whoever the first person was, we'll get one more chance to rebut that rebuttal. And then I'll make a choice as to whose thing I'm buying.
25:04Mark Fischbach:And that's that round. I know we're just getting into the game, but the last one we did was my Dice Breakers game where the premise was equally convoluted. And I feel like while I was explaining it, Mark was kind of just like. uh no no i i got it bob this guy can't even follow a red carpet man it's like okay it's like wheel of fortune plus jeopardy in the middle of it here's i'll explain to you what i got from that and you tell me how close i was i'm sure you're dead on you're gonna spin a wheel yeah right and in there are things and we need to sell that thing to the opponent you you wait and then it's gonna spin again and the other guy's gonna rebut to the thing that i they want me to buy their thing instead oh i see i see okay so if i spin it let's say it lands on broom mark's trying to sell me a broom and then bob spends and gets pizza he wants me to buy a pizza instead of the broom i can only buy one thing oh that's an easy one but then mark gets one more chance after Bob gets me to try to buy the pizza and be like, no, no, no, listen, you still want the broom.
26:14Mark Fischbach:And then I'll decide and we'll go again. I don't know how good this particular wheel is if I can, like, remove things after they land on it. I also don't even know how to spin the wheel, so we're gonna figure this out together. Sounds really well planned. No, whoa, whoa, hey, whoa. As per usual, from me, it's about as well planned as it ever is. I think it's great. I think it's gonna be great. Thanks, man. I think it sounds really fun. I don't like the way you flipped it I'm just saying I think it sounds great I'm gonna have a great time this is gonna be super fun I think it's really fun I don't know if I like that tone at all The tone doesn't mean anything listen to the words All that matters is the words I'm saying I don't like the words If the listeners have anything to go by it doesn't matter what our faces say It doesn't matter what our lips say It's only the words I guess tone does come into play for their ears No no listeners can't hear tone You see tone I have synestonia Bob your heads mark your tails Whoever wins goes first Heads Bob you get to go first on the first prompt Alright Do you guys want me to spin twice in a row so you both know what you're doing Or do you want me to just spin first pitch and spinning it Nah keep going we got it That feels like an advantage for the second person I think you spin and then we have to just Jump into it Alright done All right first, but hey that actually spun it cool.
27:39I was looking at some of these things on the wheel
27:42Mark Fischbach:What is that Bob you want me to buy some shoes? Is there a time for this or do I just go I didn't plan that far ahead So obviously just go just because we're already here. I just want to paint the picture for you All right, I'm with you you live in a house. I think so houses have floors you've been talking about this Last time I checked you have feet two of them which we're gonna make pink for some reason great this is your foot that's your foot that's your pink fleshy foot perfect and you know what walking around your own house and your own pink feet is delightful unless you have a cat that leaves little presents for you on the carpet i don't know how big keeters's shits are but we're gonna say this is one specially coagulated shit and you didn't even step on it you stepped into it your whole toes are now embedded in shit don't you wish you had some magical product to protect you from toes wiggling in that fresh steamy cat shit yeah i really do don't you just wish someone had something that could defend you from this scenario happening over and over and over again, because Keters, as I know, because my dog is very old, Keters is just going to shit wherever he wants.
29:07Yep. And he wants to do it a lot, and he wants to do it everywhere. Well, that's why I'm here to tell you about shoes. I have exactly what you need. It does not matter what you step on, asterisk, as long as you're wearing shoes, it cannot harm you. It cannot make your toes have shit between them It cannot make you wonder if you have shit Underneath your toenails for the rest of your life You'll be safe forever From the shit Wherever Keters needs to go He's good, he's covered You want to take care of your pets Do you love Keters? Oh yeah Then buy some shoes Do you have an answer? Because I know you do It means you need shoes It means you're going to buy shoes It means you're going to buy my shoes Because I'm selling them right here, right now And you need them That's it, that's my pitch By the way, if you don't buy shoes, you hate keeters That's a hell of a pitch What a hell of a pitch
30:00Mark Fischbach:Too bad he doesn't make the rules, man I'm ready Alright, Mark, you get to rebut You're trying to sell me Instead of shoes, I need to get
30:11Mark Fischbach:Beans
30:16Mark Fischbach:Alright By the way, some of these props may not be equal to the others Beans Me and the boys at 3am I'm looking for some beans. Hey, don't sell it for me. Oh, yeah, sorry. Wait, I'm doing your job. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, anyway, since we're here, you know, I might as well. I want you to look at this man. This hungry, hungry man yearning for success, yearning for his prodigal son, his favorite YouTuber to ever amount to anything, amount to a whole hill of beans, right? that has nothing to do with the rest of what I'm selling but that's pretty good right I made that up fantastic anyway this man starving imagine this again the thing with the dust what the fuck is it called vacuum no with the the depression the dust bowl the great depression the dust bowl the dust bowl the thing with the dust
31:29The dust right they Survived the many depressionary Buy my beans man They then then they them now don't be like this guy buy my beans
31:43Mark Fischbach:I don't want to do with the dust and what the beans I want the baby. I don't want to be like that guy Would you like to repot? Just one second Just doing a little preparation here Oh is he still selling shoes? Oh no I wish I can't reiterate enough If you want cat shit between your toes Then buy beans I guess But Mark did make one good point The Great Depression was bad The people in the Dust Bowl Were sad Except the one guy Who had shoes See how Wow, it does not look like he has pupils right now. He does have pupils. That is not what it looks like. Anyway, see how happy and cool he is with his eyeballs?
32:27Because he's the one with shoes? That could be you. Also, these people's feet are all covered in cat shit. Man, I hate to slam dunk Bob like this, but... Are we having a rebut to the rebut? May I have the screen? Three rounds has a fourth. How could I say no? I would like to present... My rebuttal. Yeah, you got so big. Have you heard of the expression? As above, so below? I have now, if I hadn't before. Okay, so hold on. All right. This man may not have much.
33:07Mark Fischbach:I don't like what he does with the mouse. Did you say that? Um, there we go. It's fine. We've averted disaster. Now would you ever take advice from someone? Fuck. Okay, open your mind for this. Okay, all right. All right. You must remain symmetrical at the top of your body to the bottom, right? Okay. If you buy his shoes, your whole balance will be thrown off. Notice nothing up there. Look how bad this is gonna look if you if you listen to his advice No, oh bad if I looked wearing shoes my whole life. Oh my god. Oh
33:59Suddenly everyone's gonna be looking down here at your feet and they're not even gonna notice your head also by beans
34:12Alright, alright, I don't know if I get another turn, but I'm taking one. I'd like to scream back if that's all you got, please Alright, we have an impressive fifth round in our three round thing I just need to highlight one thing. I don't know if it was clear. We're back here. Great Depression, sad, dustful, very sad These people, feet covered in shit, no shoes. This guy, happy, shoes, no shit If you just zoom in and look really close at what the sad people have in their hands That is slander or libel It's written I think They're not just sad because of the Great Depression They're sad because all they have is beans I rest my case That's like that artificial chick kind The chick with an apostrophe N Chik-chikin Clearly that's B E A N Z and not how I spelled it B E N B E E N S The Benz?
35:10Oh the Benz! I just looked at... I don't want to present. A man that spelled Benz.
35:21Mark Fischbach:You're actually gonna kill me. I yield my time. I have given an assortment of points this round which I wasn't intending to do but I had to however overall uh man that last photograph of the bean depression I just got to give the point to Bob for the round but I don't know who got more points total during the round Bob gets the round point also by beans didn't quite do it
35:51You countered Bob real well the second time You know what Mark I see the vision You're not buying shoes you're looking for something To buy also buy beans They're actually completely separate product Categories they're not mutually exclusive At all we're not even competing really
36:05Mark Fischbach:Okay Bob you get to go first this Time wait what didn't I just Get to go first Mark you get to go First this time I shouldn't have said anything I guess There were so many rebuttals, I didn't remember where we started. It was perfectly logical. I'd like the screen, please. I'm going to draw about how I just went first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so, Mark, you get to go first this time. You're going to sell me oven or stove. You came to the right guy. If there's a guy that knows about having stoves... Let me at least stop sharing, just in case. No, I don't even need to share. All right. Unless you need an illustration of what a stove looks like.
36:44You know what? Let me guide you through it. I look like the kind of guy who needs to know. I understand you're the type of buyer that wants to know every in and out. Not like this poor piece of shit right here. Sorry, Fede. I've - man, this is no longer Fede. I wanna - I wanna be very clear. This is NOT Fede. Wait, what the fuck? Here, this is NOT - oh, not brown! Not brown! Not Fede. There's a no stove having guy. I'm not even gonna bother with the entry level models. You, sir, want the Rangemaster 9000, right? Oh, that sounds fancy. I love the way you smell. Thank you. Let me give you a glance at this thing.
37:28Boom. Pow. Whoa. Fuck. What in the... It stops. Don't need that much. Does it, like, run out of paint? What's happening? What the fuck kind of brush is this? This is limiting my artistic vision. There we go. Wow. Pow. All right. So you got the Rangemaster 9 ,000. All right. So this bad mamba jamba of an oven not only has dual zone. Not only does it have dual zone ovens. Wow. It's got not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven. It's got a secret elbow burner right here. Keeps on your toes. It's only for experts. And you, my friend, seem like an expert who needs all of those zones and a special surprise to keep you awake.
38:32in the line of duty starting off at 99 9 9 9
38:43Mark Fischbach:wow that dot could be going anywhere man for trying to sell me something you sure picked the price i know right well this is the range master 9 000 look we accept clarna Credit Klarna? Don't use the watercolor brush. It runs out. It runs out. It runs out. Man, I'm pretty sold. That thing has not one, not two, not three, all the way up to a secret eighth burner. Sure. I think. No, that was right. That was right. No, you're so right. It definitely has eight burners. I maybe lost count at some point. Oh, shit. No, you were absolutely right. There were eight burners. Instead, Bob, you get to sell me.
39:30Uh-oh.
39:34What does that mean? What does that mean?
39:37Mark Fischbach:Marcus, to choose what you sell, his round already went, so his rebuttal, he can't use any verbs. Oh, so I can use verbs. He can't use verbs. Wait, why am I getting punished for this? Well, you get to choose what he has to sell, so you get to choose the item. What? But your punishment is you don't get to use verbs in your rebuttal. What the fuck? Wow. Don't worry, there's other ones on here that do things to the same person or other person. All right, he's also an oven salesman. Okay, also an oven salesman. Oh man, the poop shoes. My friend here, well, he was really focusing on the stove. He said there's a dual zone oven, and then he went on and on about how many burgers there were.
40:18I am here to tell you about the Ove Master 9001. Shit. Which does have a burner and some knobs or whatever the fuck. It has one big fucking burner on it. How many burners do you need? You need a thing that makes heat. But what this baby lacks in stove, it makes up for in ovens. She's girthy. She's got legs. And this bad boy has not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight, but a secret ninth dick oven right in the dead center of where you're going to want to be standing while you're cooking your masterpieces with this bad mama. Yes, it's a stove. Yes, you can boil pasta on it.
41:20But how many other ranges are going to allow you to cook eight and one hot dog's worth of different dishes all at one time? That's right. This is the Of Master 9001. I'm going to put it in red so that it seems good, better than green. It starts at $1 down And$3 ,600 a month For the next 72 months It's in the fine print of the contract $1 Here I'll fancy it up One and I'll give you a double dollar sign Asterisk What a rebuttal Where else are you going to get secret dick oven
42:00Mark Fischbach:Mark do you want a rebut With no verbs Oh Me Me? Yeah, man. I hear side surprise. Oh, the noun. A surprise.
42:28Oh, oven. Oven. Food runs. No. Out oh color out
42:45Six seven secret eight dual zone On the side
42:55Mark Fischbach:Is not verb no verbs on the side got it. No, no is not isn't is a verb. I think so Hey, that's a verb. The noun.
43:11Mark Fischbach:You see the fuck over there? Food, heat, life, love. We can hang that in our kitchen. Food, heat, life. Salt, acid, heat, power. Not one. Plug. Plug. No. How plug? Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six not seven not eight not nine 10 plug power from from power tower this out window this window window power tower wisdom will do there oh god here fuck Thanks Not coool oven
44:22The anon Not cold oven fuck the noun 9 ,002 No that don't matter Amp Is amp No it's amperage isn't it or amperes I don't know 9 ,002 amp Deluxe Gold edition Oh wow Wow.
44:57After steak on two two two Tick tock clock?
45:08Mark Fischbach:Yep. It after two steak clock. No, steak on then then two this count. Oh. Oh, nine, nine, nine, nine. Wow, it got a lot cheaper. Please, you know. Please, you know, buy, buy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna do that. No, by rule, that's the three rounds. Fuck the noun. All right, if I can have the screen back for just one second. Okay, so since you're rebutting the rebut, I'm gonna make you also use no verbs. Good, easy. This, one dollar. This $9 ,999
45:56$9 ,999 $9 ,999 $1 Me You I feel like there are far less verbs Than I thought there were But I didn't want to risk it
46:11Mark Fischbach:Mark I'm going to give you that one I love the$1 price But I'm smart to have heard the asterisk and the 72 months of thirty two hundred dollar payments or whatever it was I started six hundred dollar money. I think I was it's not nine ovens It is a lot of ovens you could be a man who owns nine ovens, but I guess you won't the secret ninth dick oven That is pretty good. Um don't knock it till you've tried it I've got so many prompts, but I'm just gonna save it for another day. We're gonna do more Yeah, we'll do a sequel this well. This is a fun one I'm gonna have to get better at drawing in MS Paint.
46:45Not a skill set I've ever developed.
46:47Mark Fischbach:I was not expecting the four to five rounds. I was not expecting the art or the four to five rounds. That was a nice bonus. I gotta not use the watercolor. I don't know how that... No, it was perfect and I loved every minute of it. Look very good. I'll use it every time. So let me go through the points. Bob, you got points for poop, relatable pets, pink feet art. You got three asterisk points. cool cool you won the shoe round one big burner thick oven not one nine plus dick oven red better one dollar down small print fine print fine print and then one dollar or nine nine nine nine giving you a total of 11 points yeah baby mark you got points for oscars art i was not expecting an artsy episode so i gave you a point early on for doing some art for the oscars thank you You got a sniper point.
47:42Mark Fischbach:All right. Actual patoosnewts? Is that something we said at one point? Because I don't know what the fuck that is. I don't know what he was trying to write, but that's something he wrote at one point. Actual patoosnewts. Actual pictures, I think I was saying. Oh, pictures. You got potopipo? Potopipo, yep. Potopipo point. Thank you. Zordon, for making me remember the Power Rangers guy. You were nice to me. So you got a nice to me point. I was nice to you. Yeah, but it was right after you insulted me that he said something nice, so I had to give him the point at that point. Fuck. Because you were mean right before.
48:18Mark Fischbach:The now? The dust? As above, so below. Point. Thank you. Not fede. I want to make sure you all know it's not fede. This is sounding like a lot of mark points. We're not even in the second round yet. We are going... Well, I gave him a lot of Oscars points. He had a lot of Oscars. There you go, there you go. Yeah, Bob, this might have been rigged against you from the start with the Oscars. Oh, God. Oh. Not one. This was before Bob's nine dick oven, but not one, not two, not three, dot, dot, dot. But eight. And I drew a circle for stove. Sure. Green, so it's good. Because that made me laugh. Surprise the noun.
48:59Mark Fischbach:Ten. Side plugs. Power tower window. You did well with the no verbs. At least it made me laugh really hard with the no verbs. And then fuck the noun came around. Giving you 16 points Right now you're at 16 to 11 16 to 11 right now Wow that feels pretty balanced He had a lot of Oscars points It was a lot of small talk points Hey I could go to the Oscars too I was just taking it easy this week Yeah that's fair You would have had a similar experience as me Well next week when you go to the Oscars You get all the points for it I didn't realize that was going to be worth so many points on this show I would have participated.
49:41I wasn't expecting put twos newts in a poto people Well, let's see how many pointless spins we can have today. I bet it's gonna be one You know to be fair there are ways to completely manipulate this I thought it was gonna be one Three spins well, I like how the wheel rewinds itself after you spin it. It was all like Wait, what happened? Oh my god, it's not displaying words anymore because it's too much shit. We officially got too many? Now it's just a mystery wheel. Oh, so we won't even know what it is until it pops. Oh, that's nice.
50:20Mark Fischbach:Oh, that's kind of exciting. Wait, what are we adding? Alright, I'm gonna add screwed from the start, because Bob, I feel like today you might have been screwed from the start. Mark had so many points from the small talk, you just, you didn't have much of a chance, so you can have a... Scrooge! From the start point. If it lands on it. Yeah, if it lands on it. Interesting. Oh, there they are. Wait, I see them now. Oh, wow, they're so tiny. What, did they update this app? What the hell? It's never done this before. Now it scales the text size? We lost part of our P's. You do something to the winner.
50:51All right. All right, spin number one. Well, now the words are so small, I can't fucking really tell anyway. Best mental image.
50:59Mark Fischbach:Oh, best mental image, man. I talked about a lot of dog poop, baby throw up and dog throw up made of dog poop. I didn't even try and describe the smell. I was just giving you imagery alone. Yeah, but remember the angry guy with his dick out and all the Mr. Potato Heads? Remember all those? There was a lot of images. I drew shoes. You remember all the shoes I drew? You did. I don't know that I would call poop the best mental image, even though your descriptions, Bob, as always are amazing. Best is meaning the same thing as like most vivid to me right now. Not most pleasant, most vivid. That makes sense that that would mean that to you right now.
51:40Mark Fischbach:Yeah, right now. That's what that means. I'm just going to go ahead and tack that point on to your opponent, Bob. All right. Okay. Well, that seems a little excessive. Just think of Fede's face. Yeah. Remember. Mark's never going to get invited to the Oscars again, man. That's not a mental image. That's just an image. It's not a mental image at all. You're right. But it was to guide people. The listeners count. This guy is dismissing the listeners. Spin number two. Whoa. Whoa. What the fuck? What happened? I accidentally clicked twice. I didn't know what was going to happen. I thought I might have deleted the whole thing for a second.
52:18Mark Fischbach:Man, I thought you were just choosing where it landed now. Surprise golf rules. Whoa. So it's just been shocking. Bob gets six points. Who put that on there? All right. Spin number two and I won't click it twice. Here we go
52:33Most dread to participate oh man who is dreading participating in this game the most I can tell you we had St. Patrick's Day dinner over at Mandy's parents house tonight I was fucking exhausted because we haven't James has not had childcare so far this week So it's been fun, but I've just been hanging out with them all day Monday and Tuesday when normally I'd be doing Like recording or streaming or whatever We had dinner and I was sitting there After we ate and I was like I'm dreading the recording because I'm so Tired so like I legitimately said I think I'm dreading the recording because I'm so exhausted
53:11Mark Fischbach:And Mark was excited to share His Oscars experience Bob you know what you can have That one I can't argue Alright Bob just needs five points to tie Six points to win I'm not out of it Yet I stood the fucking wheel rewinding itself I'm really off-putting Whatever update this app did, I don't like it It's a little off-putting Spin number three Alright, the third and final spin Unless it's add two spins Or it doesn't apply Smallest violin point Oh, you know what? Well, it's gotta go to Bob, eh? Yeah, I gotta give that one to Bob Doesn't even matter, who fucking cares Doesn't matter, it's stupid Well, I mean it affects the total points you have doesn't it.
53:53Oh, okay I wouldn't want to not have more one more total point that'll have saved me. It's a respectable
54:00Mark Fischbach:17 to 13 doesn't sound respectable. I have a lot of respect for that I'm respectful about it. Are you in fact in my next episode? I will make the entry for the wheel the most Respectful mm-hmm there we go because that's how much I respect it. I see Bob, you know what out of respect. I'm even gonna let you go first with a with the second place finished speech Just give me a second here if I could just have the screen for a second of course I just want to draw this so that everyone has a mental image of it. This is this is today's episode this oh He's it's a three-dimensional drawing just just like that goes down So this is Mark on top.
54:47There you go. Gold medal. And down here. Yep. Three dimensions. That's how dimensions work. This is me. Normal sized human. Me. Down here. Look, my face may be sad. And Mark's face may be happy. And I may have a silver medal around my neck. but I think we can all see who the real winner is from this drawing it's a really good drawing
55:18Mark Fischbach:for the listeners Bob was somehow even though on the bottom step still twice the size of Mark approximately four times as tall as Mark based on the scale of my drawing which is more accurate I think that's biblically accurate heights it's all yours congratulations Bob on being the real secret winner, I suppose. But Mark, the winner who counts in the standings, congrats your winner speech. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I would like to draw your attention to this drawing. You may find this to be familiar, right? There's a baseball game happening. Is there? There's a baseball game. What the fuck?
55:58Mark Fischbach:Or is there a really angry UFO man with a green mustache? The St. Louis Arch? Where are we? No, there's a baseball game happening over here with baseball man McGee about to swing his baseball bat It's brown. His bat's wood, yeah sure. That's right. It bats wood and then there's a dude over here all like, I'ma catch it. Oh my god. Here, I'ma catch that shit. What a stance! He's squatting, he's squatting, he's squatting. I put her here, put her here. He's got that wood glove? And he'd go like oh wow put it right there and then you know you got the pitcher doing the pitcher thing he's about to Oh my god Oh my god I can see why he's a pitcher Right okay.
56:44He's gifted. So you may know From Bob's diagram. Yes, this is me here standing upon my Whoa!
56:55Mark Fischbach:I got a crutch spirtly. I thought it was just a third leg. I thought you had a dick and one boob No, no, no Here's my three dimensional boxes And yes, I may have to stand upon two of these boxes, right? And mayhaps Bob does, in fact, have to stand on Classic, that's my classic hair But you know, you know, you know what? In all honesty, guess who's got more boxes? because I got not one, not two, not three, but I believe I have four more boxes. And there's other boxes over here because I have a total of 17 boxes. Wow, okay. And that's a box. And there's another box. I might have stepped on him. And Bob's not even using his boxes.
57:49Oh, how many does he get? He has 13 boxes. Oh, I see. And I'd say that made all the difference for me to be able to see the baseball game. But we're equal. Well, I mean, are we? Yes, actually, we are.
58:08Mark Fischbach:I don't know. Do you count Bob's straight up Marge Simpson's hairdo? Anyway, I just want to point that out. And then red for bad. And green for good. What the fuck? I don't even remember my own bits. Well, the points were done a while ago boys, but great speeches if I could just have the screen for a second I just want to point out one thing. I just want to point out one thing
58:37If we draw all I'll not even cheat if we draw a straight line across the top of the heads and if we assume that green is in fact good and red is in fact bad. I think we can see whose hairdo just barely makes it into the green area in Mark's own drawing. Drawing. I rest my case. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
59:11Mark Fischbach:Bob, I gotta give you the completely worthless after effects after speeches are done point there because you you won that part i did you didn't have to tell me that i know i won it's clear i'm even gonna make a note speech winner this was really an episode for the listeners if there's ever been one i hope our descriptions of the images were vague and confusing and you have no idea what the oscars looked like you have no idea what poop looks like and you have no idea what we look like oh they know what poop looks like i need to think about that one if you haven't already go follow bob the art and poo master at my skirm go follow mark not getting invited by back to the oscars ever again never follow me bald at minion77 or lord minion777 i do nothing that interesting and i guess stay tuned for the next one we have merch sometimes at distractible.shop yes there could be stuff there right now there might be stuff there tomorrow there might have been stuff yesterday that's why you gotta check all the time we don't know you don't know unless you look stay tuned for the next episode which right now i think will be next week we're taking things a little slow and nice and enjoyable which is why we can have 10 000 extra things for uh sam and the lovely editing team to have to edit in like all of our lovely drawings today and all of you listeners and watchers out there please come back for the next one we're begging you we'll draw you on we'll draw ourselves on our hands and knees but we're not going to show any of you that picture.
1:00:36Mark Fischbach:Until then. If I could just have the screen for a second. Oh, God.
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What happened to Mark at the Oscars, and what's that under Bob's shoe?
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