Fortunately, Unfortunately

21:04Unfortunately, I had booked for a 60-minute show, so I had 20 minutes left, and these guys were crashing hard. They were not happy. My comedian score on the comedian scoring website is toast. Fortunately. Fortunately. Okay.

21:23Mark Fischbach:Oh, well, yeah, what's the what ends this whenever we feel like it's a whenever we feel like it's a good stop There's not really a will lean on you to say seen that feels like a good one. Yeah, all right. Okay Try to figure out how to assign points for that one, but I'm working on it. Hey, it's your game man. We're just playing Yeah, we're goofing the next one starts with fortunately, but then it'll rotate so I know you just did this these but it'll You'll see it'll flip the next round So you'll be doing unfortunately twice in a row, Mark, and Bob, you'll be doing fortunately twice in a row. Then we'll flip.

21:55Mark Fischbach:Whatever you say, man. In my brain, when I wrote these, I was like, ah, I'll start a prompt with unfortunately, then fortunately, then unfortunately, then fortunately. But I forgot that you guys also flip-flops and you just stay the same. It's all good, man. Bob, another simple prompt for you. This feels right up your alley. Actually, yeah, this one worked out really well for you, I think. Working on cars is a passion of mine. Unfortunately is where you start. Fortunately, I already own my dream car, so I get to live my passion every day. Unfortunately, having achieved my dream so early in life, I have no hills to climb, and now there's a noose that's staring at me from the garage ceiling.

22:33Fortunately, I'm not very good at tying knots, so the knot I tied wouldn't tighten, and I just keep falling out of it. So I guess I'll live. Unfortunately, my wife storms in and is upset about spending all our life savings on a stupid car. Fortunately, I found this necklace outside on the street. It must have slipped right off your neck, sweetheart. And I... Distract her.

23:06Wait, let me back up. Is the necklace a necklace or did you grab the noose? No, no, it's a necklace.

23:14Mark Fischbach:I also thought it was the news. I thought it was the news. I was stealing this bit from Catch Me If You Can. It's a one-to-one joke ripoff. Don't worry. Plus, the knot wasn't right, so it wouldn't work anyway. Unfortunately, my wife came back with logic and said either I spent more money and were now in debt, or I stole it from someone and now I'm on the lam. I don't even like lamb. Fortunately, I had a side of beef in the freezer, so I offered to smoke my wife some brisket as an apology dinner. Because nobody likes lamb. Unfortunately, all her response was just, are you serious right now? As if beef wouldn't solve all of our problems, which she said it wouldn't.

24:01So I guess I'm not welcome in my home anymore. fortunately as it turns out you can live in cars and i love those and i have one so i'm living in my car now i mean that seems like a happy ending yeah fortunately you're in your car way to bring

24:20Mark Fischbach:it back i don't know where we're gonna go starting off with a nice uh noose and then the necklace gift i really thought that was going it's messed up man who would do that all right mark this time you start with fortunately. Okay. One day I woke up to find myself shackled in a jail cell. Fortunately, as the world's greatest magician slap-a-slash-escape artist, I knew exactly how to get out of this predicament and have been training for it all my life. Unfortunately, my jailer appeared at the door just at that moment, and it was my arch nemesis and slightly better magician and escape artist, Entrapo.

25:03Fortunately, I knew Entrapo's greatest weakness. He couldn't resist the perfect crime with which I had the plans in my pocket and threw it behind him to make him go after it, giving me a chance to escape. Unfortunately, Entrapo was so enthralled by my greatest, perfectest crime plans that he excitedly wheeled around to try and catch the plans that I tossed. And he smacked his head on the wall of the jail and collapsed into a heap. And then in the background, you just hear, Entrapo?

25:44To walk down the whole jail. To clarify, when you say wheeled around, he's not in a wheelchair, is he? No, no, he - that's a phrase. No, no. He's wheeled around. He was like, it means to turn around quickly, doesn't it? I just pictured in Trap-o just, for some reason a wheelchair. That's not funny, by the way. Alright, put Mark in Guam. Put me in Guam. Fortunately, I knew of one power that could get me out of this situation. I raise one finger, first, this finger, and then I raise the other to the security camera, and I say, editors, put me in Guam. the teleporter activates and I zip out of there.

26:23Unfortunately, Guam is located at the deepest depths of the Marianas Trench, as far as I know. So I found myself trapped in the depths of the ocean. Fortunately, I was a live streamer who had a 24-7 stream going on and my views were jumping like you wouldn't believe. All I had to do was escape Marianas Trench and I would be cemented as better than Entrapo. Unfortunately, due to some past misjudgments and misdeeds on my part, the only platform I was still allowed to stream on was X. Fortunately, after I failed my escape attempt and died, Grok will be able to keep me alive in people's memories, escaping random bullshit nonsense forever.

27:12Thanks, AI.

27:16Mark Fischbach:editor's note grok did not actually help mark in guam little did you know he didn't help him in guam he just recreated his likeness so that it could live on forever i feel like grok's the no-bud of improv isn't it in a way in a way in a way everyone needs that bob you are unfortunately again on this one and you will lead us off searching through an old attic i came across what looked like a magic lamp. Unfortunately, it looked like it done already had been rubbed. Fortunately, there was another lamp right next to it. What are the odds? Unfortunately, when I went to rub that second new lamp, I actually rubbed the first one and nothing happened.

28:01Didn't see that coming, did you? What a twist!

28:08fortunately outside of the now two lamps i looked to the other side of me and there was a third lamp there my eyes went

28:22unfortunately once i got my eyes back in their sockets and i successfully rubbed the third lamp The genie that came out was a real a-hole. Fortunately, I know how to deal with a-holes. I turned around. Oh, another lamp! Don't need you anymore, jackass. It might be that second lamp. I can't remember. Unfortunately, I once again tried to rub this new and or second lamp and missed completely. falling down and getting a wicked splinter right on my finger. Fortunately, I don't need one finger to rub things. I've got nine more. So I just started rubbing all around everything, and eventually my finger touched one of the lamps.

29:18Maybe a new one. Unfortunately, after summoning darn near 30-plus genies, I had the world at my fingertips, splintered though they may be, and I couldn't think of one thing that I would want that was better than what I already had. Fortunately, I remember what my mama always told me. Some, some, some, some, some, some nonsense, yada, yada, the friends along the way. And now I had a room full of friends. What more could I possibly wish for? Unfortunately, genies are really meant to be solitary creatures, and they did not get along. Turns out there are rules about the genie hurting the person who rubs the lamp, but there's basically no rules about genies hurting other genies.

30:09By the time the massacre was over, I had one genie and three wishes left.

30:15Mark Fischbach:I like how these sentences are becoming their own little mini stories. It's one sentence! There was a comma and a semicolon is one sentence. Comma clause. I can't argue the comma clause. Fortunately, that asshole genie died in the massacre, and I was left with someone who was really out of breath, but probably not an asshole. So I asked for my first wish, which was more friends. And or lamps. Good. Good. I don't know if I can go through the loop of you guys rubbing the wrong lips again Alright, here we go. Mark, you are unfortunately this time Okay It's weird the way that this worked out because I swear I didn't set it up this way, but I decided to make my own movie I decided to make my own movie Unfortunately Man, nothing went wrong, you know, how could I even Unfortunately Unfortunately Fortunately, the journey would be much longer than I anticipated and have far more obstacles than I could have ever planned for.

31:25Fortunately, no matter how long and torturous the journey, it starts with one step, which I took. Unfortunately, the subject matter of my movie, Landmines Incorporated, I decided to go as practical as possible. and that first step had me directly on top of the first landmine of many. Fortunately, I've never quit anything in my entire life. So no matter how many landmines I walked across, I just kept a-going. Unfortunately, there was some kind of a propulsion factor to this. So as I started going across the landmines, it would explode me into the next one and I would accelerate the explosions. Why did I put them all in one line?

32:15Fortunately, sometime as I approached the speed of sound, I realized exactly what this film needed. Eureka. I'm not gonna give you everything. Oh. Unfortunately, just about as I was hitting Mach 2, I realized I forgot to hit record on the camera. all the way back at the beginning. This is a complete aside. I just fucking love the visual of Mark with the Iron Lung set. Just like, everything's set. And they're like, all right, whatever, take three. Oh, I gotta roll the second camera. It's just you by yourself in a fucking huge studio. Look, it's not too far off. Some of those pickup nights, it's not too far off.

33:11Fortunately, as I blew past Mach 5, really started to wonder if I was going to survive, I realized that my chest-mounted GoPro was rolling, so I'd have one hell of a POV shot. Unfortunately, in an opposite fashion from the Red Bull guy who dropped from space, once you hit a certain speed, you gain lift no matter how aerodynamic you are. And I realized this chain of explosions was only going to make me reach escape velocity on the last possible bounce. And I had just so happened to space them perfectly that I could see the last mine that would bounce me out of the stratosphere. Approaching.

33:48Mark Fischbach:Man, I love the comma clause. Fortunately, just as I bounced off that last mine, I had the clarity of focus to make my last act as a living person of Earth. to rip the chest-mounted camera off and spike it down as I flew off into space so that someday someone would discover my brilliant movie. Don't ask what just happened to my headphones. They are askew. I really want to know, but I guess you told me not to ask, so I can't. He said not to ask. Unfortunately, no movie studio wanted to pick up my movie, and it would be nigh impossible to self-distribute given that I am currently on the way to Mars.

34:34Oh well. Fortunately, I've always wanted to be one of the first humans to colonize Mars. And I'm not saying there's a good chance, but I am saying there's a chance that my new dream will come true. Unfortunately, the extra velocity I gained by throwing my GoPro downwards towards Earth caused me to miss Mars by that much. And then I skipped off of Phobos, which had a landmine just so happened to be on it. I'm on the way to the outer rim. Also, I died from not being able to breathe long ago.

35:16Mark Fischbach:I don't know how you topped that one, Bob. I think he buttoned it off with his sixth comma. Fortunately, as I looked down from heaven at my long dead corpse on its endless journey through the universe. I realized that all of life is just one big joke anyway and none of it mattered to begin with. Yeah, that's a happy end, right? All right, yeah. I thought we had buttons like six times. You guys kept going. Look, that just started with I wanted to make a movie. Unfortunately, you enter heaven with the momentum you carried from your doom.

35:56And you go to the heaven of your last act, so I went to landmine heaven. Oh no! Fortunately, all the different heavens are separated by gates, and I was going so fast, I just kept smashing through gate after gate. Knowing that eventually I'd burn off all my momentum and land in some kind of heaven. Hopefully a soft one.

36:18Mark Fischbach:I'm just letting you guys go while I write down points. Oh no, no. We're gonna... The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Now lime comes first. 7-Up. Flip the sip. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured.

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37:14Mark Fischbach:Bob, I think you're first on this one, and you are fortunately... Go to a haunted house, they said. It'll be fun, they said. Fortunately, it was very fun. I love haunted houses. Unfortunately, when I arrived there, my rival, ghost hunter, Hunto, was already on the scene, and he'd gotten all the good ghosts. Fortunately, Hunto's name was so goofy that all the ghosts he'd already introduced himself to wanted to come talk shit to me about how silly his crazy ass name was. Unfortunately, after the laughing subsided, Hunto told us all that it was a very culturally relevant name that honored his ancestors and that we were all jerks for laughing at it.

38:04And I felt really bad. And all the, well, the ghosts didn't feel too bad, but I felt really bad. Fortunately, I'm a big enough person to be able to admit when I'm wrong. And even though Honto is my biggest rival, I sincerely apologized because it's really not that hard to admit when you've been wrong about something. And I acknowledge that I should have known better. And when you know better, you do better. Unfortunately, I realized that this would be a long road to earning that apology. And I had many, many, many acts of service to give him for all of the harm that I had caused. which, to be honest, compounding with the ghosts was pretty severe.

38:46Fortunately, it was immediately clear what my first act of service would be as I scooped up all of Hunto's gear and offered to carry it down to his sketchy van for him. Unfortunately, right at that moment, my dead racist uncle, Bob, Bob's the only name that comes up. Sorry.

39:12Uh-huh, uh-huh, interesting, go on. Came out of the woodwork literally and was like, what are you doing with one of them hunt heads? And I said, oh no, Uncle Bob, no. He made it worse.

39:31Oh my God, was that the colon clause? That was a parenthetical. That was a parenthetic, you made it worse. Fortunately, I was able to grovel and sufficiently kiss Hunto's ass quite literally so that old Uncle Bob's transgression could be overlooked. Unfortunately, Hunto was recording the whole thing and now viral clips of me literally kissing his ass are all over the internet and a super smash cut of all of Uncle Bob's most racist things of which he was saying without stopping. Fortunately, all of the clips of me groveling and crying and kissing Hanto's ass attract a very specific type of sexual attention.

40:17And as it turns out, I'm into that.

40:22Mark Fischbach:I put you guys in a haunted house. What happened? You heard what happened. Yeah, you heard it. What do you mean, what happened? You've been here the whole time. Is that the button? The sexual attraction? I think it's a button, yeah. Doesn't get any worse than that. Oh, man. I was gonna do I'm gonna save it We can do a part two at some point some of these take a while. So we'll we'll button the buttons there I hope you guys had fun with it. That was really funny. I enjoyed that. Yeah, it's a big old improv exercise Some of these did not go anywhere where I even imagined they could especially that one.

40:56Mark Fischbach:Um, let me go through the points here I don't like how close the score is. I know I might need to fudge this a little bit not that i would uh mark you got a lie point for lying about beating fnaf 2 no so i i saw this uh the the subreddit pointed out once again that we are stupid lie points are supposed to count the thing about lie points is that they're susceptible to lie modifications from the wheel but they are the subreddit would say they're just regular points that have the lie the lie status and that status is only triggered by wheel things. But we have the thing that makes them absolute, which makes them count, I thought.

41:34Mark Fischbach:So I thought they didn't count before. No, you can apply a negative lie point. No, you can get negative lie points, but then if the absolute value is applied, then it switches that to... Okay, well, I did write a negative one because I thought lie points were always negative. So this one is negative, but part of that's because I thought they were by default. Damn. So you got a negative one lie point, I guess, for lying about beating FNAF 2. You got points for rock, paper, eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Bob left you hanging for a while. Say, look who's using the parentheticals now. I'm the host. I have privileges.

42:07Mark Fischbach:You've been reading Dungeon Crawler Carl at a crazy pace. You have free time now. I gave you a point for being a FNAF cheat, even though I also took you one for the FNAF 2 specifically. Because listen, FNAF 2, I didn't like it. But in general, yeah, I'm on board with you. I have walk as a point. You got a walk point. I don't know why, but congrats. PCP bears something. It looks like it says hump. I don't think that's what it says. Guam. Jail cell. Missed Mars. Racist Uncle Bob. Something Landmines Incorporated. I really wish I did what that hump one was supposed to say. Oh, walk was for the walk prompt.

42:46Mark Fischbach:You won the walk prompt. For a total of 11, Mark. 11 minus 1. So I guess 10. You have a total of 10 points. Okay. Bob, you got points for bowling. Post always right point. because you agreed that I was right about something I said earlier. You gave us a house tour. You said the 6-7 meme. Your magic trick in the closet was amazing. Mark and I were both fascinated. It was, yeah. It was quite good. Living in your car. Distractable getting an iHeart Award. You brought that up. Movie Heaven. Entrapo. Genies. The Sincere Apology to Hunto. And then Hunted Sexual Attraction. for a total of 12. So right now the score is 12 to Bob, 11 minus one, giving 10 to Mark.

43:30Mark Fischbach:Oh yeah, wait a minute. We don't have the wheel. Yeah, guys, I don't know if I'm going to be able to find the wheel. I've got to be honest. We could pretend. We can picture it spinning.

43:42There's an image from three months ago. Can we spin an outdated wheel? The rules don't say we can't.

43:50Mark Fischbach:Yeah, there's nothing in the rules about that. It just says a wheel. Doesn't say what wheel. So are you just going to rotate it? Or how are we going to spin this image of a wheel? I got a plan. I got a plan. I got a plan. I got a plan. Don't worry about it. I got a plan. Holy shit, there's a wheel. Do you see my mouse upon the wheel? Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm going to look away and just move my mouse in a circle. And that'll be the spins. I love it. I love it. Wade, we have to decide how many spins we're going to do. You have a coin. I do. How do I get three out of this? Oh, I see. I get it. I get it.

44:26You're going to flip the coin three times. Heads is a yes spin and tails is not a spin. So flip, flip, flip. And then we get the number of spins that we're going to do.

44:36Mark Fischbach:So we can have anywhere from zero to three technically with this. Technically, yes. Zero is not really usually an option, is there? No, but it's fine. This is an exception. There's no way we're going to get zero. There's no way. There's no way we're going to get zero. No way. You got our coins? Well, apparently Bob doesn't have a coin, so you're going to flip it. I'll flip twice. I'll flip twice. I'll flip my phone. I'll flip my phone. Screen his head. I'll flip. I'll flip. I got stuff. Screen his head. Screen his head. Oh, God. Doesn't mean much, but I did get heads. That's three spins. I'm still in the running.

45:12All right. Three spins. This cannot possibly be more fair than it is.

45:26Oh, what does that say? Was that free parking? Did you get free parking? Fuck yeah, man. Okay, now we have to remember to put one point on free parking. We have to remember to retroactively. Yeah, now we have to put a point in free parking. Fuck. God damn it. I rated S1. Fucking hell. There's so much work. Spin number two.

45:55Mark Fischbach:I don't know why I started to close my eyes. Uh, half point for Wade, I think. Oh, fuck off. God damn it. It was half point to Wade. That's right. It's either that or minus one to current loser. God damn it. I mean, none of those are good for Mark. No point. Fuck you. Half point for Wade or minus one to current loser. All right. I still got a chance, I think, unless we haven't put those game-breaking ones on here yet. Well, we'll find out now. Uh, we'll see, won't we?

46:32I thought I was going there. Dude, fuck off with your free parking. Fuck off with you. I know, that's a re-spin. That's supposed to be disabled. That's supposed to be disabled. That's supposed to be disabled. All right, okay. All right. Okay, okay.

46:53Mark Fischbach:Two spaces to the left. 10 % to one-man show. 10 % chance to one-man show. All right, we got to add 10 % to the one-man show. Jesus Christ. Why are we getting all the weird complicated roles? I don't know. You're spinning. What's your hand doing? I wasn't even cheating. I was sincerely closing my eyes and looking away. This just makes me think that the usual spins are bullshit that our wheel is chock full of interesting nonsense and we only ever get silly ones Well, to be fair, even when you did it, we got a dupe. That's true All right, so free parking needs a point added right now. It says zero there So no points added for that Even if it does do we know who it goes to a free parking gets points?

47:36Mark Fischbach:Oh Oh Oh, you're so right. Oh, shit. Okay, here's what we need to do. We need to make another square that says, flip a coin, the person gets the free parking square, but free parking only ever adds points. God, you know what, guys? I was starting to think that maybe some of these rules need to be revised or something in some kind of boat-related episode. Okay, so half point to me. Yay, I'm on the board. free parking got a point and then there's a 10 chance added a one-man show which means absolutely nothing changed between you two and bob you win 12 mark you had 10 uh mark but you do get to win going first with the loser speech hey you know what i uh unfortunately i lost this episode but fortunately i learned a lot doing it unfortunately it's not about what you learn is about who you know.

48:34Fortunately, I know a lot of people. Unfortunately, I don't know them by name, so they couldn't help me.

48:40Mark Fischbach:Well said. Man, if there were still points to be given, I would have given some for that. Bob, winner's speech. I feel pretty fortunate, you know? It feels good. I can't believe I won. I can't believe how many points you gave me for the terrible contributions I had for this episode, but I'm not gonna question it, because I earned that shit, apparently. That was a fun game, though, but I have to say that was one of those improv games where some of them it's like the whole time it's just fun and you're like yeah oh that's so fun that's one of the ones where it's probably good because it was pushing me outside of my very narrow comfort zone the whole time i was like oh god i'm not funny oh this is just making me realize how bad i am at improv stuff oh no don't fall computer it's fine uh so it was very very good game thank you i feel very dissatisfied with myself and undeserving.

49:31Mark Fischbach:I feel like I just got hit with fortunately and unfortunately about my game multiple times in that, but I'll take it. I think that means it's a good improv game. I think it just means that I like to do the stuff I'm really comfortable with. I'm unadventurous and safe. I didn't know what it would be like going in because we've never done it, but after having, you know, watched you guys do it, it felt like one of those improv games that Rachel would have put us through when we were practicing the yes and-ing, but I had fun. Hopefully everyone watching had fun. Congrats, Bob on the win. Mark, well fought.

49:58Mark Fischbach:You guys were very funny. I was entertained. hopefully everyone watching was entertained you can find these guys mark at markiplier bob at my scrim or me at minion777 or lord minion777 we have merch sometimes at distractible.shop so keep an eye on that more stuff will be coming hopefully soon otherwise uh follow and watch the podcast especially right here where you're watching right now keep doing that and i guess stay tuned for the next one with bobble host we'll see what he gets us into until then podcast out Watch new episodes on Spotify.

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