Get More Faster

0:00For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around. Lemon forward sodas, even lemon forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth. That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Join the 7up rising. Flip the sip. Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweetgreen's fall harvest menu is back. with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels, and crave-worthy flavors in the autumn harvest bowl, maple glazed salmon plate, and roasted bacon Brussels side.

0:51The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweetgreen, featuring fall's best dressed. Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast instead of doom scrolling? Smart move. Another smart move? Getting help from one of State Farm's 19 ,000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto. Bundling. Just another way to save with the personal price plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

1:26This episode is presented by Panda Express. It shouldn't be difficult, and maybe it's a bit silly, but we've all been there. Sometimes saying I love you is just hard. whether it's your partner, someone in your family, a good friend. But when you order tasty, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express, they'll know what you mean. Because sharing some delicious orange chicken or my personal favorite, the honey walnut shrimp, that means more than words, right? So have you eaten yet? Order now or find your nearest Panda Express. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable.

2:31This episode. get more faster now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show so she was going really light with the razor and then one of the hairstylists came up that was like helping train her and she's like oh you can go harder than that and I was like uh oh she's like really and she grabbed my head and like stretched it and I was like yep that's the spot I mean it looks good doesn't look butchered I'm not going to turn around I have no idea what the back looks like but I can feel the bumps of healing. The bumps of healing. The sequel to The Grapes of Wrath. It's actually my favorite spell in World of Warcraft.

3:09Hey, welcome to another episode of Distractable. It's like Saturday Night Live. We started the show before the show. We do cold open sometimes. It's totally fine. If you've never seen the show before, that would be the most accurate way to describe it to you. Get ready for basically an episode of Saturday Night Live. That's what we do here. The saxophone guy does the saxophone thing With the band and then we have A celebrity guest and all that stuff It's totally what's about to happen, you'll see I'm a mad TV Kind of guy, you know I don't really watch that I've been getting a lot of mad TV clips Lately and I forgot how much I liked that show Because I haven't watched it in forever And ironically, my stepdad was a huge Mad TV guy so I would watch it I've been getting a lot of like the WatchMojo 20 saddest movie scenes of all time kind of stuff and it's like why everything the record is like five saddest deaths it's what what if why am i getting this you just give off big sad death vibes yeah the opening like 20 minutes of up they're like ah watch everyone react to the first 10 minutes of up and i'm like please is there anything happening on the internet for me ah those aren't even that's those are never real it's like those videos where it's like the first time i ever heard bohemian rhapsody by queen and it's like a 33 year old influencer like i know you've heard this song before like there's just a zero percent chance you never happen to hear one of the most popular songs and stadium songs 40 year old musicians first time hearing music yeah yeah or like those drumeos where they're like this guy's toured with michael jackson and katy perry and chicago and he's never heard of miles davis i opened for metallica but i never listened to him anyway that's the show you're about to hear uh i'm the host because i won the last one these two other voices and or faces that you're seeing and or hearing scratch that reverse it uh they're competing to host the next one because they're this it's the three we're the three guys we're the three distracting guys rebrand the three guys the three friends three amigos was already taken but i feel like it has the same two and friends featuring markiplier i don't know if i have any friends anymore oof oh just kidding i've got lots of friends oh what is it awkward uh mark you get an uh you get an awkward point not that awkward look Just because everyone knows that we aren't friends anymore And we just only do this because of contractual obligations Doesn't mean that we can't talk about that openly Right?

5:47That's true There's a contract You don't need to know about that That's fine You're the middle ground Yay I do have a game prepared As per usual But small talk Anything going on with you guys? Oh let me start Because my life's been so incredible No not really Mark go for it January 30th Iron Wall of what year 2026

6:17yeah i forgot that changes soon yikes the fact that you came up with the concept got all the filming and editing done in one year is kind of crazy i know right i know i'm very efficient i'm streamlining the whole process uh but yeah tickets are on sale now it's actually a thing the trail final trailer is out on my channel at the time of recording this it's not which is funny All right, can you send me over some cosplay ideas so I can go to the theater fully dressed up? Blood. That's all my wardrobe consists of these days. Blood and tears. Well, yeah, finally, after so many years, I can finally say it's coming out.

6:52You can get tickets now if you want. It is purely a coincidence. The trailer and tickets went on sale the day that Five Nights at Freddy's came to theaters. It is a coincidence. Otter coincidence. It was not planned. interesting interesting and that we had our premiere on that very day it's all a coincidence the king of phalung a funny thing about that though is we did have an idea because um eventually the trailer is going to be in theaters running before other other movies um and i mean i had an idea that we would we would target the five nights at freddy's movie and i would like you get in the movie the lights go out and then suddenly it's just me in there in the five guess what guys i'm not in this movie but you know what movie i will be in get a load iron lung two theaters down i thought that would be funny i don't i don't know if we can target that specifically but that would be really it would be really funny it would be really effective too you know people seeing that movie would see you and be like oh oh well i have to go see that now and they would leave and they would never watch the...

8:03Is it the second one? This is the second one, right? One of those already came out. Well, unfortunately, it's rated R, so... Oops. Is FNAF also rated R? It's PG-13, isn't it? PG-13. Ah, so Iron Lung's gonna be better than that. Yeah, it's a higher rating. That's how it works. It's, at the very least, gonna be way cooler. Oh, we are once again recording in a late evening where all of us are at the top of our game and definitely not feeling tired. I can hear out of two ears. I can smell out of one nostril Are you sick or you just have allergies? Because it's winter and you really shouldn't have allergies Well according to my doctor I've got a deviated septum And I can only ever smell out of one nostril Which makes sense but like I've been living that life for like As long as I can I don't remember ever Breaking my nose or anything so it's one of those Things where it's like it's always been this way I just especially feel it today Isn't there a procedure to fix that?

8:52There is and I was looking at reviews and some people were like Oh this is the best thing I ever did and some people were like I wish I'd never done this it was fine before Compared to what they did to me Okay, maybe I'm fine. So useful as ever. Got it. Thanks, internet. Then one of them was like, I don't see the same after getting my septum fixed. I was like, that doesn't seem right. Oh, you can see it. Look, my neck is still red from the razor burn. I thought they were shaving your head. Well, the whole, yeah. All right, trainee, get in there. They do the hot towel, they shampoo you. Send you off, smack you on the ass.

9:25So they call the double MVP. Oh yeah. Special request, can I get a hickey while you shave my head? Hey, do you guys do hickeys in here? Can you do that thing where, oh, I don't remember the name, where you put your lips on my neck and you suck real hard? You know, do you do that here? The Dracula thing? Treat it like a Tootsie Pop. Give it three licks and then bite. Did you say Pussy Pop? No. What did you say? I heard Pussy Pop. He said Tootsie Pop. I heard Pussy Pop. You sick bastard. Treat it like a pussy pop. How could you say such a thing that is offensive? Today's episode of Distractable is actually brought to you.

10:05Sing this theme song, Wade. Uh, no. My favorite is when the owl eats the pussy pop. He always does it right. A one, a two. Don't make that sound. No. You know today's game is going to be good because it's an idea that's basically stolen from Mark and also from improv comedy. Am I improv comedy? No, you're not involved. Mark previously hosted an episode called Get More Stupider. Possibly multiple episodes, if I recall. Well, this one is not about getting stupider, but it is about getting faster. Today, I want you guys to explain to me how to do some fairly simple tasks or how things work. but we're going to play it in the form of Half-Life, which is an improv game where you take turns.

10:58Well, actually you don't take turns in the normal improv game, but you go round, round after round, each round, the time is cut in half. So the first time you do a scene for, I don't know, it's usually kind of long. It's like a few minutes. And then some, whatever happens in that scene, then you have a minute and a half to do that scene. And then you have a half of that. What's that? 45 seconds. And then you have, you know, I should have picked an easier math number, but you know what I'm saying. I have some stuff I want you guys to explain to me, but you're not going to have to do it on your own.

11:26You're going to go back and forth. So we're going to flip a coin to see who goes first. And I'm going to give the first person a minute to explain to me whatever thing. And then we're going to go back and forth. You get a minute, then you get 30 seconds. And the other person gets 15 seconds. And the other person gets, we'll call it eight generously. Ooh. Then four, then two, then one. Okay. I feel like four than two might be enough, But, uh, bald as heads, mark as lion. Still don't know why I picked this coin that doesn't have heads and tails on it. It's because I'm so smart. Bald it is. Woohoo!

11:59And we're incapable of buying new things, I understand. So, Wade, you get to go first. I would like you to describe to me how you would make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In one minute. One minute. Commence. Alright, so to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you need three key ingredients. Bread, peanut butter, and jelly. And as I actually learned in real life this week, make sure your ingredients are fresh. Otherwise, it might upset your tum-tum. So, I get a plate, put, for me, four slices of bread, because I want two sandwiches, but two slices of bread. Get peanut butter, get jelly, get a spoon, get a knife, because those are the proper tools for making the sandwich.

12:41Put the knife in the peanut butter, spread it on one side. Spread that peanut butter with that knife. That's what you want to do get the spoon put it in the jelly spread That jelly on the other slice put the two together peanut butter and jelly sandwich nom with time to spare How am I gonna remember all that? How the fuck am I? Alright, okay. How do you remember how to make a PB &J? What? No, I have to say what you said. Is that oh I don't listen to the rules. You fucking asshole. Alright, gotta go quick. I'm gonna forget. Uh, Mark, ready, set, 30 seconds. You ever want to make a peanut butter jelly?

13:22When I make a peanut butter jelly, cause I like it, or something, you get out your, your, uh, fuck. You get three key ingredients! You get your bread, your jelly, your peanut butter, make sure it's fresh or else you'll die upset, TUM TUM! And then you get out your, your, uh, jelly, your spoon, your knife, cause those are the correct ingredients. You get out four slices of bread, throw them in the side, get two of those breads, put them down, spread a spoon out the jelly spread out the peanut butter plop it all together eat it or something I don't know time to spare. I thought you were doing it on purpose Wade Jesus Christ.

13:52Holy fuck

13:56Take that asshole

14:02Wade you get 15 seconds. Oh god. All right ready set go Make a peanut butter and jelly you need three key ingredients peanut butter and jelly and bread Sometimes you don't use fresh ingredients. Here's what you do. You get four slices of bread only two for one sandwich So you flip them to the side you get peanut butter spread it with a knife knife's proper thing to spread your peanut butter With put on one of the breads jelly you get a spoon spread the jelly on one slide boom, slap together peanut butter and jelly time to spare

14:29Sure time to spare yeah, all right mark eight seconds here wait before you hit go Alright I'm ready You're just mentally preparing I get that, I get that Go Three key ingredients Upside tum-dum Four, slice two One sandwich Spoon Spice Hike Time to spare

14:56God I love hike so much Peanut butter Hike That was my favorite part of Wade's initial one Was the hike Alright Wade I'm not going to hold my phone up for four seconds. You're going to have to mentally keep track of four seconds. All right. All right. Ready? I'm ready. You're going to really, I'm going to tell you, you were too slow on your 15 second one. You're going to have to speed it up. All right. Got it. Learn from Mark. Four seconds. Ready? Set? Go. Three. Tom, Tom. Ooh, new knife, spoon, slap. Time to spare. You did have time to spare, but you dropped the hike. I didn't say the hike. What the fuck?

15:33Mark said the hike. That was part of it You know the rules It was there the whole time You don't remember I need to follow that through thread Mark added and fine Subtract bad, okay, got it Add good, subtract bad Two seconds buddy, I believe in you Ready, set, go Bread butter jelly hike Time to spare Bread butter jelly It's a butter and jelly Yeah that's what I asked I couldn't just say peanut butter jelly I guess I could have Do I have to do one second now? I think two seconds is quite fast enough Well Mark gets to go first this time So you'll say however many words Mark says Let's be honest it's me No I won't I appreciate your honesty This is such a simple task It couldn't possibly take that long uh mark i i think you know how to do this explain to me how you would boil a hard-boiled egg okay ready set go there's a lot of misconceptions about how to boil an egg some people think that you put them in the water first and then raise the temperature to a boil but people's heating elements are inconsistent from one to another so you don't necessarily know i mean you could get used to it but you're not really going to get a consistent boil from kitchen to kitchen right So you bring it up to boil because unless you're at a different elevation, that's going to be a pretty consistent temperature.

17:00But if you're at a different elevation, you've got to be aware that things are going to cook a little differently. So cut all that out of the equation and buy one of those egg-shaped egg cook timers that you drop in with the eggs. It has little red yolk inside that will change based on temperature into the zone where it'll say soft, medium, hard boil. Put that in with your eggs ready as it's boiling. Get a bowl of ice ready. Boil the shit out until it looks like what you want Take it out, dump it in the ice Get it, shock it, you wanna shock it You wanna shock it so the shell can Like You know, and then crack them, eat them Eggs Channel to Ethan for a minute there You hit us with the I retained about Four words Alright Wade I know you're quite the chef in your own right So even if you can't remember every Single thing that Mark said I got it.

17:53I'm sure that you know how to cook an egg Yes Alright, Wade, you have 30 seconds Alright, ready? I'm ready Make sure you cover all the big points that Mark put in there for you Ready, set, go A lot of misconceptions about boiling an egg First one, egg in the water? No You want to water the egg Second one, elevation High, bad, low, two, not Middle, good Whenever you get your water boiling You put it in a pot, you have a little red something, you toss it in there Look at your egg when it looks like what you want. Wow, bam good so good you take it out You fucking eat it or whatever else and then shock shock shock shock I said bitch shock egg You forgot that All right mark 15 seconds ready.

18:42Yep, right sec go a lot of misconceptions about this look Put egg in first dumbass water first then egg then your toy that Changes and you take it out you put it in ice Time to spare I hear any shock It was all part of the original shock wait eight seconds all right ready set go a lot of misconceptions Egg first no elevation of what you want to do boil toy up that did shock Do you to eat your eggs no

19:24Mark four seconds. I believe in you. Okay, ready set go cold egg high no hot egg cold Shock It made sense right Cold egg high No No I think you pretty much covered it all Wait you have two seconds Alright Ready set go Hot egg shock What did you hit Time to spare I guess The guy just did the greatest egg job of his life Hey I look the part Well now I just want to go eat eggs PB &J The Lemonati has spent decades Keeping Lemon on top and Lime In the shadows Their Lemon agenda has infiltrated everything Even our music That hit song named after the color Of lemons Not a coincidence Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years Think about it But now 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda.

20:33Now lime comes first. 7-Up. Flip the sip. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app.

21:00This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah. We all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what. I think that might be them knocking on the door. Because Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. Dude, them or the FBI? I'm not 100 % sure. Yep. When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up. Where there's a will, we're on our way. Uber, on our way. Download the app today. Wade. Oh, I'm here. You get to go first on this one.

21:36Tell me how you would write a letter and mail it to somebody. You got one minute on the clock, you're writing a letter, and then you're mailing it. All right. Ready, set, do it. There are a lot of misconceptions about writing letters. I'm not going to go over those. What you need is an envelope, stamp, pen, and paper. Get the paper, your pen, you write your letter. You fold it up. You stick it in the envelope. Seal up your envelope. Give it a little... Close it up. Write your address, top left corner. Write whoever you want to send it to in the middle. Stamp on the right. Mailbox, flag. Boing!

22:12You're done. Time to spare. You halved your own life. Yeah. I'm used to pressure. All right. Mark you get 30 seconds So do I have to do it in 15 And 15 seconds of silence at the end of it No you know what Mark you get the You get the normal interval you get 30 seconds And you can do it in 15 or whatever Wade you get half the amount of time That you were going to get every time you have to Go this round Fuck me Since you don't need all that extra time So Mark you get 30 seconds So I have to repeat this thing word for word Perfectly Okay, alright, I got it. Same pacing, everything. He gave you 30 seconds of material.

22:56Ready? Yes. Set, go. There's a lot of misconceptions about writing a letter. I'm not gonna get into that. But what I will tell you is that you need a pen, paper, and stamps. In that order? Uh-huh. Then you write on the paper, you stick it in the envelope, you give it a lick, seal it up mailbox put it in there flag you're done I don't even know if I took 30 seconds but you skipped a few steps you skipped the envelope and the writing of the addresses but otherwise good pretty close I thought I had to I don't know alright Wade you jump all the way down to 8 seconds on this one you would have gotten 15 but since you don't need that back half of your time I'm going to give you 8 seconds So we're gonna call it good.

23:45Ready set go. No misconceptions pen paper, right? Put it in the envelope So write your address their address stamp Fan box done. How do you I don't even think you skipped anything Well, you did skip some stuff from your very first one, but no no no way You get even less time if that's possible. Can I give you less than one second when it's your turn? Oh, you can try I'll try Mark you get eight seconds. Oh, okay Don't make that noise at me. All these rules make sense. All these decisions are super rational. I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. I love it. Ready, set, go. Don't look at my misconceptions.

24:25Look at my paper. Oh, I'm writing on it. Where'd it go? I changed the mailbox. Boing! You know, time to spare.

24:37I can set a timer for zero seconds. I don't know why that's doable in this app, but... Wade, I have decided by the rules of fairness, which is a word I am allowed to say, that you get to make one sound. And it can be a long sound, but you get one sound. Can the sound evolve if it's still the same breath? Fine. If you stop making sound at any point, your answer ends. I guess take a deep breath. The floor is yours. Go.

25:11Ah, alright Did you crumple it up? The ksh was writing The ksh was the licking And the boing was the mailbox I think I did pick up on all that Going from the To boing was tougher than I thought In my head I hear a lot of voice actors say that And it never gets easier Not everybody can boing like your boy I'm losing track of everything Mark gets to go first on this one? Yes, yeah, I do. Yes, thank God. Mark gets to go first on this one. I don't know if he says a lot of stuff, you know. Wait, wait, it's okay. I'm going to make it all sound effect based. You don't cook a lot of eggs, so maybe you are at a disadvantage and nobody mails letters.

25:57I like fried eggs. I don't do boiled eggs. I do fried eggs. I know that we all do this thing I'm about to ask Mark to describe. And even if it's purely sound effects, we all know what this sounds like. 100%. Mark, I would like you to describe in one minute how you get dressed when you start your day. All right. Ready, set, go. When you wake up in the morning and open your eyes and you look down south, nothing on your thighs. You gotta get some pants out of your drawers. Get out on the balcony, let them hear you roar. It's your brand new day and you're on your way to wherever you're going. It's okay, you gotta make some money to pay your bills, but you won't go all the way up that hill where the tree is there and a chair and a noose.

26:55You stay away from that thing and you get on the loose. And don't forget your shirt cuz you only got pants, a sock for each foot, maybe glove for your hands, and maybe some jewelry, maybe a watch, maybe your glasses, it's not a lot. You're ready!

27:20What the fuck?

27:28Wade, you got that? Yeah, I guess. I mean, I think we all know that song. I sing that to myself every morning as I'm getting ready. If anything, it's because it's a song, it should be weirdly more memorable, right? Yeah, it's like a pneumatic device. Did I get the first rhyme and then nothing? I couldn't tell you a fucking thing to rhyme. All right, Wade. since I know you have it in your head. You have 30 seconds. You ready? Yep. Ready, set, go. When you wake up in the morning and you open your eyes and you look down to see there's nothing on your thighs, you go over to your drawer because you need some more pants.