In short
Distractible episode where the hosts do holiday-themed “Alphabet Game” scenes, competing for points, with recurring jokes about windows/lighting, weird deliveries, and Mark’s movie-production admin work.
Guest backgrounds
This is a regular Distractible trio—Bill “Bill Simmons” is referenced in ads, but the episode itself features co-hosts Mark, Bob, and Wade (no external guests).
Key claims
Windows and lighting can make Mark look “blue”; late-night package drops can be security threats; movie trailer blood edits and closed captioning are often outsourced despite being doable from scripts; AI can generate a “naughty list” but is mocked as untrustworthy.
Notable examples
Amazon/overnight delivery at 2:30am; neighbor pizza delivery at 11pm; Mark editing trailer blood for MPAA rating; AI used to generate “naughty and nice” list; scenes include Santa home-invasion arrest, AI naughty-list debate, Frosty suing a grill manager, and toy prison-break planning targeting “Barry” and “Xenia, Ohio.”
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOWindow Talk and Lighting
2:44 to 4:33
The hosts discuss their windows, lighting, and the impact of sunlight.
“a blackout curtain for this window like two weeks ago.”
Holiday Reflections
4:33 to 6:04
The hosts share personal updates about their lives, including birthdays and holidays.
“I think only the director gets to call cut.”
Strange Delivery Stories
6:04 to 10:28
The hosts recount unusual delivery experiences and their reactions to them.
“I feel like the movie has also made me real weird and a completely different person at times So man, what's my excuse?”
Movie Production Updates
10:28 to 14:00
Discussion about movie production tasks and challenges with closed captioning.
“They want you to come outside so that they can go in your house and you didn't notice they went in your house because they slipped in behind you.”
Closed Captioning and Snow Blowers
14:00 to 21:55
Discussion about the process of closed captioning and experiences with snow blowers.
“Those captions always seem like a pain in the ass, but I guess if you already have a script and know what your sounds are, it makes it easier.”
The Alphabet Game
23:30 to 28:00
The hosts engage in a comedic game inspired by Whose Line Is It Anyway.
“So on Whose Lies Anyway, there's a game where a scene is set, and let's just say Colin and Ryan are in the scene, and Drew Carey will turn to the audience and say, give me a letter, and they'll say, Q.”
Warm-Up Banter and Game Setup
28:00 to 30:38
The hosts engage in humorous banter while preparing for a game.
“Well, that's the one everyone always does.”
Santa Claus Arrest Scene
30:38 to 33:16
The hosts perform a comedic scene where Santa Claus is arrested.
“Police officer Mark tries to arrest Santa Bob for home invasion.”
AI and the Naughty List Debate
33:16 to 36:44
A discussion on using AI for determining who makes the naughty list.
“BLEH Don't take an accent with me you slippery bitch.”
Frosty the Snowman Grilling Scene
36:44 to 40:06
The hosts continue with a new scene where Frosty complains about his job.
“You don't look at a man's search history.”
Show all 16 chapters
Toy Prison Break Planning
40:06 to 41:00
The hosts wrap up with a comedic scene involving toys planning a prison break.
“Well, you guys, you started at S, and you finished at I Guess You've Got Yourself a Deal.”
Toy Prison Break Planning
41:28 to 42:01
The hosts wrap up with a comedic scene involving toys planning a prison break.
“Okay, so Bob, you'll go first on this one.”
Holiday Escape Plan
42:01 to 44:46
The hosts discuss a humorous plan to escape holiday chaos with elaborate and silly strategies.
“We're not going to have any kids smashing us up this year.”
Creative Improv Moments
44:47 to 46:08
The conversation shifts to improvised scenes involving toys, showcasing their creativity and playfulness.
“Man, I'm really just trying not to say very.”
Point System and Game Mechanics
46:09 to 49:51
The hosts review a point system from a game they played, discussing scoring and humorous moments.
“That can't be what that says, but it looks like it says Gus Alchemy.”
Celebrating the Win and Wrap-Up
49:52 to 52:50
The episode concludes with the winner's speech, a recap of the game, and thanks to the listeners.
“What the percent chance is that we currently have.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Ethan Nestor:Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers. Give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports.
0:38Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. The right window treatments change everything. Your sleep, your privacy, the way every room looks and feels. At Blinds.com, we've spent 30 years making it surprisingly simple to get exactly what your home needs. We've covered over 25 million windows and have 50 ,000 five-star reviews to prove we deliver. Whether you DIY it or want a pro to handle everything from measure to install, we have you covered. Real design professionals. Free samples. Zero pressure. Right now, get up to 45 % off with minimum purchase. Plus, get a free professional measure at Blinds.com.
1:14Rules and restrictions apply.
1:15Ethan Nestor:This episode is presented by Panda Express. It shouldn't be difficult, and maybe it's a bit silly, but we've all been there. Sometimes saying I love you is just hard. Whether it's your partner, someone in your family, a good friend. But when you order tasty, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express, they'll know what you mean. Because sharing some delicious orange chicken or my personal favorite, the honey walnut shrimp, that means more than words, right? So have you eaten yet? Order now or find your nearest Panda Express. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable.
2:19This episode. To Merry Mass Murder. Yes! It's time for Get Ready For Lot of Legolo. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
2:43Ethan Nestor:I swear I ordered a blackout curtain for this window like two weeks ago. Amazon keeps fucking pushing back the delivery We've ordered dozens of things For like Christmas and stuff And this is the one item Every time I get on I'm like It's so bright what the fuck
3:02Mark Fischbach:We're kind of dark and gloomy So it's nice to have a little bit of brightness in our podcast Oh no it kind of is nice Actually seeing sunlight and stuff It made me realize I have this window here That I never open You have a window in front of you? Yeah I got a window right there I mean you don't have to fuck up your whole thing He's going to fuck up my lighting. Nah, we're going there. We're going. I'm doing it. My window's over the river and through the woods.
3:25Ethan Nestor:Is that just because it's Christmas time or? Whoa. Hey, look who's in the blues era. Why is the sun blue in LA? What happened? It's because I got all these lights are orange. So I white balance for the orange. So I got to change the white balance, I guess, a little bit. That's actually really nice. God, I see a tree. This office is so much nicer with that open. You're welcome If I put a window in here I could see some dirt You could have one of those basement windows I think I know where your office is You basically just have like trees and stuff out there right It's like in the face in like your backyard kind of or whatever right
4:01Mark Fischbach:I almost think you have a nice naturey landscape to look at Hey everyone welcome back to another episode of White balance
4:11Ethan Nestor:Every comment on every platform this episode gets posted on I would just be like, does Mark look blue to you guys? Did something change with Mark's camera?
4:19Mark Fischbach:Hang on. His face is long and blue today. That's a little better. Distractable Season 4, Episode 20, Scene 1.
4:25Ethan Nestor:Action. Wade, you look so dark now. Sure you don't want
4:28Mark Fischbach:to pop your window open? Cut. I don't have a window. You don't have a window.
4:38Ethan Nestor:I think only the director gets to call cut. It's me today. I'm the host. No, no, you're just the host. I'm pretty sure you would not be the director. I think if anyone here gets to direct, it's probably Mark.
4:48Mark Fischbach:Oh, no. Sit in a chair and just tell people what they're doing is wrong? I could do that. You've seen him work. Is that how he is?
4:54Ethan Nestor:Mark, the set dictator, sits in his chair, never moves a muscle.
4:58Mark Fischbach:Asks for a coffee, then throws it at the intern. I know how it works. A different memory of that. Oh, man. That's because you don't remember. Are you going to do the intro? Hey, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Distractable. Nothing has happened prior to this. We are starting right now. In this moment together joined as always by my co-hosts mark and Bob. Hey guys. Hello I'm here as well basking in the glorious sun today. We taught mark about windows I feel like i've had this discovery on this podcast before And for some reason it got closed. We are getting brighter. Not me. I have no window Well, that's a shame you should get one.
5:37Mark Fischbach:I once again I don't know if that's how it works when you're underground. I don't think you can just window Do you have a window boxed up on the ground and just haven't opened it yet? There is a box here that I have no idea what's in it. I need to open it and see. It's been here a while. It's a window. If you're just now joining us for the first time, this is a podcast where one of us hosts. The other two compete for points. Whoever has the most at the end gets to host the next episode. We usually, and we'll continue to start off with some small talk. So what's been new in your lives, guys? It's the holidays.
6:04Mark Fischbach:It's almost Christmas. It is. And it was James's birthday. How'd that go? Or how will that have gone?
6:10Ethan Nestor:Really fun. He got some really fun stuff Every day he's obsessed with his new Presents that he got he's having a great time It was fun he's three now Can you believe he's three years old Does that sound right I mean he's not You guys don't see him every day so I guess
6:24Mark Fischbach:I would believe to three sounds far Fetched it doesn't feel like it's been three years
6:28Ethan Nestor:Do you guys remember when he was first born And we were recording this And I would show up and be like I haven't slept In three days yeah
6:36Mark Fischbach:That feels like it was last week
6:38Ethan Nestor:Yeah that feels like it was just happening This is a very different type of thing than Mark's movie because the movie has also been going on for quite a while And I feel like the baby has had less of a direct impact maybe Except for just making me real weird and a completely different person But yeah, he turned three. It's weird. I feel like the movie has also made me real weird and a completely different person at times So man, what's my excuse? They've both been part of the show really and wade does stuff too Thank you. I assume you leave that room that you're in that's really dark Not often.
7:11Ethan Nestor:Assume you poop in your toilets that don't flush? Often enough. Good job, buddy.
7:17Mark Fischbach:Yeah, is your shower still exploding? No. Though we do have hard water, so we have some buildup happening in our shower head where, like, one of the little water holes is, like, shooting crooked. So now whenever you go to get into the shower, like, there's one perfectly at eye level. Three times in a row I've gotten in there and just been sprayed right in the eye with, like, this, like, feels like a fire hose beam of water. turkey or you take it a shower you just walk in on on it's spraying in a surprising direction cause you know normally it just comes out like and there's one beam that's like do you step in the shower and turn it on?
7:55Mark Fischbach:I have to. You don't turn it on before to warm it up? Well I do but I still have to step in to turn it on and then I quickly pull back cause our handles like across the shower oh god I see It's not as big as I'm making it sound, but there's still like, you have to step in to do it. I just saw you stumbled in, mouth and gave eyes wide and just stood there and took it. No, but after I turn it on and it warms up and I get in, it's still spraying in a direction that whenever you get in and you're using your eyes to get in to see where you're going, it hits you right in the eye. Again, we're talking normal sprays in a direction and then one of them is like going off in a direction that would surprise you in an angle that doesn't make sense.
8:39Ethan Nestor:See, I told you he does stuff.
8:41Mark Fischbach:I do. Have I told you guys about the weird delivery, the late night delivery we had?
8:47Ethan Nestor:Wait, we had one of those too. Let's see if they match up.
8:50Mark Fischbach:We had a car pull into our driveway like, I don't know, six o 'clock in the evening. pulled in sat there nobody got out sat there like three minutes past they back out and they leave and i was like they didn't deliver anything no and i was like i guess they went to the wrong house i don't know that was weird maybe they're trying to figure out where they were who knows what they were doing anyway they're gone it's fine we get an alert at 2 30 in the morning that there's someone in our driveway and i'm like i go to look and there is the same car in our driveway at 2 30 in the morning and the guy goes to the back of his car opens up the trunk gets a box walk sets it down gets in his car and leaves 2 30 in the morning delivery scared the crap out of me why would they deliver that sometimes amazon does that where they'll do an overnight delivery but you usually have to pick it well are you allowed to tell us what was in the box or i don't
9:43Ethan Nestor:know it was i don't know what was in the box what's in the box what do you mean you don't know what was in the box it was molly's package i don't know it was in the box okay but it was a package that one of you took inside the house and opened. It was a package that had her name on it, yeah. Okay, okay. I thought you just left the box there and were like,
9:57Mark Fischbach:I'm not gonna touch that. Well, I did. Then the next day I told Molly about it. You know what I'm saying?
10:04Ethan Nestor:You're gonna bring packages in for Molly? Not at 2.30 in the morning. Well, you watched on, you weren't curious? I'm not sitting up in bed at 2.30 in the morning watching some stranger walk up to my door and leave a box
10:15Mark Fischbach:and then be like, I'll deal with that later. I 100 % was gonna deal with that later. I was comfy in my bed. What if a person was in there and they popped out and stabbed me? I don't want to be stabbed before I slept. Exactly, yeah. It's late at night. Someone drops off a package. That's a trap. They want you to come outside so that they can go in your house and you didn't notice they went in your house because they slipped in behind you. And now they're in your walls.
10:36Ethan Nestor:Yeah, I have heard, especially if you're in the Appalachian foothills, somebody comes and leaves a box on your doorstep at 2.30 in the morning. It's not a person and it's not a box. It's just a box man coming for your toes.
10:48Mark Fischbach:I think that covers everything possibly new in my life
10:51Ethan Nestor:I don't want to tease this without saying it So I'll just tell the story really quick Yours was more interesting than ours Ours was just a pizza But I was upstairs in my office Doing something with headphones on And Mandy was downstairs alone And someone came to our door at like 11 o 'clock at night Like late at night but not like middle of the night And we're in a new house And it scared the shit out of Mandy Because our front door is kind of like Part of it's frosted glass so you could see So she could see like a guy walked up And like rang the doorbell and stood there and she was like, oh fuck, someone's breaking in.
11:21Ethan Nestor:What the fuck? It was just pizza. It was so the neighbors had ordered pizza and that was how I met the neighbors at 11 o 'clock at night in my sweatpants and sandals. I carried their pizza over and was like, hey, I didn't touch it. You can eat it. I promise. I'm your neighbor. Bye.
11:36Mark Fischbach:I also love the thought of a break-in starting with the doorbell. And if nobody answers,
Read the full transcript
11:40Ethan Nestor:then you can assume it's an empty house
11:42Mark Fischbach:or probably not. I don't know. I would assume a horrible serial killer ringing the doorbell and holding flowers and then open the door and they drop the flowers and they just have a machete and start cutting me up. I checked the box.
11:54Ethan Nestor:Imagine if I had left the pizza till morning. Then we would have just had cold pizza and my neighbors would have been sad. And they would have starved to death. Not my problem. I don't want to tell you your business, but are you keeping score? Because I feel like that story was worth points and I didn't really see you jotting any points down. I've jotted so many points. Okay. Well, I hope some were for that story because I feel like that was a good story. Why do I feel my point total increasing all of a sudden? I cut you off, Mark. I just wanted to, I didn't want to leave that hanging because I said we had the same thing.
12:24That's right. No, I mean, all I was going to say is a movie has been doing really good. There's all of a sudden a bunch of things I have to deal with that I forgot about in terms of being the only one distributing the movie and paperwork and international filings and stuff like that. it's all very boring but honestly i'll take this work over all the other bullshit i had to deal with i had to submit the trailer to the mpa for rating even though trailers aren't rated they are rated to be approved in which movies they can be played before right because you don't want sure you don't want this movie before like pixar's baby movie dora the explorer before that check out iron lung i had to make no the blood was a problem right so the blood was actually it was too much blood they said for anything that wasn't already an r-rated movie but if i if i cut down the blood then it could play in pg-13 movies which would open up to a lot more so i had to re-edit some of the blood out um so there'll be a different cut that is uh going to be in the preview it's all just blue it's like water i know this is not how it works i just had
13:37Ethan Nestor:an image of like just you in a room where the real shot is a bunch of blood or whatever happening and you're like but but then it's just you dry just being like oh man what's he freaking out about guess we gotta watch the movie man i wanted to make like the sunshine and rainbows cut which is just like covering up everything with just like a happy sticker or just like re-editing into like one of those comedy trailers or something like that collab
14:04Mark Fischbach:with cookie crisps just have milk and cookies like flooding in oh you know the guy who makes the the the jizz edit of the island i was trying to avoid the jizz with the white but yeah yeah what can you do jizz once the bringer of life go on i'm good finishing up handoffs for the movie there's like uh closed captioning i have to do which you know weirdly enough it's like they want to send it off to a business to do closed captioning this is indicative of a lot of things in in a lot of these spheres um where it's like you send it off and three to four weeks later it'll be captioned in one language english and i'm like i could do that in a day you know so i will um that that's just the really funny thing about a lot of this stuff is the default is to do this path that takes three to four weeks and is just at the whims of someone else when in reality the task is if you think about the task is just writing down what everybody says in the movie, which I've already done in the script, and descriptive audio, which is a technical thing, but honestly, like, descriptive audio, there's a pretty basic framework for it, and so you can do that.
15:16Mark Fischbach:Those captions always seem like a pain in the ass, but I guess if you already have a script and know what your sounds are, it makes it easier. Basically, all there is to it. Bob? I thought I went already. But you told me about your pizza delivery.
15:26Ethan Nestor:Didn't I talk before that? Didn't I talk about how it was James' birthday before then?
15:31Mark Fischbach:No, there would definitely be points about that if you had.
15:33Ethan Nestor:Oh, yeah, because I was saying about the points and how it seemed like you weren't writing any points down when I was talking. But I had talked, right? That all happened out loud, not just in my head, right?
15:42Mark Fischbach:That must have been before we started recording. I have more.
15:44Ethan Nestor:More stuff happened. You want more? Yeah, yeah, please. Tell me more. Oh, save it for the next episode. Come on, man. I own a snowblower now.
15:54Mark Fischbach:Oh, yeah, me too. Kind of. What does that mean? Yeah, wait, what the fuck?
15:59Ethan Nestor:Would you go halvesies with it on somebody? What do you mean kind of?
16:03Mark Fischbach:Maybe that's just what a snow blower is, but I got what I thought was like a better snow shovel.
16:09Ethan Nestor:Did you get an electric snow shovel?
16:11Mark Fischbach:I thought that's what I got, but the way it works is you push it like a snow shovel, and then it just like sucks and blows the snow back out. So it's a snow blower that I thought was just an electric snow shovel.
16:21Ethan Nestor:No, that's a snow shovel. A snow blower is technically different, and the snow shovel is... I've never owned one, but I've heard from everyone I looked at online that they're fucking useless and very unpleasant the thing I got yes
16:36Mark Fischbach:Oh, did it work? Yeah better than the shovel now the snowblowers fun though
16:42Ethan Nestor:It feels dangerous.
16:43Mark Fischbach:Is it like gas or electric or nuclear power?
16:47Ethan Nestor:It's gas-powered I I've been burned on electric powered large Devices before I didn't really want gas-powered
16:54Mark Fischbach:But I just want to keep gas in my garage because of the smell. I like the smell of gasoline and like I don't want to I don't want to be around it. Those things don't make sense next to each other.
17:03Ethan Nestor:But I know I shouldn't. Having a can of gas in your garage doesn't make the whole garage smell like gas unless you like spill it or leave it open or something.
17:11Mark Fischbach:How long can you have gas in your garage before it like goes bad to like.
17:14Ethan Nestor:I mean gas technically goes bad after maybe three to six months. But I have kept gas in my garage for over a year before. And that's what I mean.
17:23Mark Fischbach:though i would only use gas in my garage for that one snowblower which i would maybe use twice a
17:29Ethan Nestor:year just sort of loses octane and then doesn't burn as well but it pretty much works as long as it's not like five year old gas that turned into varnish it's probably fine okay so up to five years is that where varnish comes from no it's not where varnish but if you if if gasoline sits around for long enough like the liquid evaporates out of it and it turns into like a sludgy it looks like varnish like it turns into like a golden sticky gooey brown mess of gross stuff you make gold probably it's basically alchemy interesting interesting but yeah like i it's nerdy too i mean maybe not nerdy it's cool it's cool man stuff but it's a it's a carbureted it's a little carbureted 212 cc engine and part of me is like i can't wait till i have to do an oil change on it put it up on some stands drain the oil check the spark plug you know man stuff never done that in
18:18Mark Fischbach:my life but so how does yours is it like uh on wheels or something you just like push it or how's
18:23Ethan Nestor:yeah it's got two back wheels and then it has like the the blade part at the front that kind of just rides on the ground and the just kind of honestly it works like a push lawnmower like it's not that different it feels like you're just pushing a lawnmower on your driveway but it's cool and it was so much better than shoveling holy shit yeah for those out that don't know we had a lot of snow
18:42Mark Fischbach:for us it was like six inches but for us that's a decent amount of snow in cincinnati for the record
18:47Ethan Nestor:We don't have any snow if you ever got snow. There's no way you're getting up that hill in your driveway Not even with the wagon the wagon of Icarus the wagon of Sisyphus the wagon of syphilis I don't want to ride the wagon of syphilis Makes it better how how does it make it better? I mean you still have syphilis, but you have a wagon Well, I guess there is a better than the chlamydia convertible
19:14In every movie or show that talks about syphilis Like the Frankenstein movie was the most recent example is like it is one of the most horrifically depicted diseases that I could ever imagine whenever someone talks about it is like, is it really that bad? Is it? It's curable, right?
19:30Mark Fischbach:But if you don't cure it, it's a horrible death that it leads to or something.
19:33Ethan Nestor:Yeah. Isn't the thing that if you don't treat it, it's bad, but like it's treatable by like penicillin and all modern, well, not all, but like modern medicine treated easily with like a pill that you take. But if you leave it untreated, doesn't it like make you go crazy or something? Yeah. Well, that's the thing is I don't know if that's what did it or it was the mercury they were drinking to try to treat it. Right. So is it really that bad or was the cure worse than the disease in that perspective? I imagine the disease is bad. I'm not saying, hey, syphilis isn't so bad, everybody. Are you a syphilis apologist?
20:05Ethan Nestor:Look, we want to formally apologize to all our syphilis listeners and our syphilis watchers. Anyway, I am with you. I always just assumed it was that they didn't have penicillin. So they were like, guess I'm sick now. And then it ruins your brain or whatever it does.
20:23Mark Fischbach:Because I'm pretty sure modern day, as long as you treat it, you're okay. But probably drinking mercury is like not great. No, you put it on your fish. Horrendous. But cool. Real cool looking, yeah. You know how when your temperature goes up, the mercury thermometers, it will show you your temperature going up? So if you injected mercury in your penis and you got warmer, would you get erect?
20:48Ethan Nestor:yes i'm gonna say yes scientifically just asking for a friend trying to wrap my head around the question it expands when it heats up wouldn't that just mean that if you inject room temperature quicksilver into your penis you have a forever boner because your body temperature is warmer than room temperature so it would it would expand from whatever volume you injected initially You think? I need to find a book about this and learn me some stuff I'm sure there are books about this that we can all Let me just go to Google and type in penis mercury injection body temperature
21:21Mark Fischbach:And while you do that I'm going to get started with the game today Because I just looked at the time and we've been going for a while And whoops I let this get out of hand again as I always do Well you made me small talk twice
21:30Ethan Nestor:He really did I feel like I should get another small talk opportunity here He was so disinterested in my James small talk he didn't even remember it happened Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports.
22:19Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.
22:27Ethan Nestor:This episode is brought to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. Mark and I have known each other since college, and we connected fast. Oh, yeah. How fast? like T-Mobile 5G home internet fast. Well, in fact, I bet you can literally hop online in less than 15 minutes and connect with their fast speeds at a great price, no matter what your budget looks like.
22:53Mark Fischbach:On top of that, you don't have to worry about your price changing thanks to a five-year price guarantee.
22:58Ethan Nestor:I didn't feel any air quotes coming from you on that one. I'm not going to lie. With their fast 5G speeds, quick 15-minute setup, and five-year price guarantee, you really can't ask for a better setup.
23:14Mark Fischbach:Visit T-Mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data. Exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G network speeds varied to factor affecting cellular networks. Guarantee exclusions and details at T-Mobile.com slash home internet. We are playing, I don't remember what it's called. I'm going to call it the Alphabet Game. which is probably what it's called. So on Whose Lies Anyway, there's a game where a scene is set, and let's just say Colin and Ryan are in the scene, and Drew Carey will turn to the audience and say, give me a letter, and they'll say, Q.
23:52Mark Fischbach:And so then Drew will turn to Colin and Ryan and say, all right, the letter is Q. The scene is Ryan. Colin has run off with your wife. Ah, scene. And then Ryan will go, quickly explain yourself. Why would you take Sandy? Really? Really? You would say that to me? So it is true. QRS. Like each sentence starts off with that letter. I was just in the scene. I was so, I was so.
24:14Ethan Nestor:Yeah, I'm invested now.
24:16Mark Fischbach:So anyway, I'm just going to randomly get a letter. Is there like a random letter generator? Like a 1 through 26 random number picker would probably work. I found, even better, I found a wheel with all letters on it. I'll spin the wheel. You said somebody else's wheel? What the? Listen, I won't be held down by one wheel. I'm a A wheel Go on Yeah go on Yeah you got it Those people that That are Yeah Fuck a lot of other people You know those people Huh? Nah I should've stopped you I should've stopped you man I'm a wheel I'm a wheel Get her around her Get around her What? Deuce Waitalo Wheel gigolo Yes
24:57Ethan Nestor:I don't write a point for that
25:00Mark Fischbach:Calm down Oh I'm writing a point for that What? Alright well I couldn't figure out with gigolo I started with a G or a J and I wrote an L. So I don't know. I don't know what happened. But Legolo.
25:11Ethan Nestor:That was the sluttiest elf in Lord of the Rings. Stop. What are your elf eyes see, Legolo? Oh. See a couple hotties out there. Just waiting for me to swing by. Yeah, I don't talk like the other elves. This is how I talk. I'm Legolo. I never imagined I'd die next to an elf. What about dying next to Legolo?
25:38Mark Fischbach:Interesting interesting all right you guys are starting now. I want to talk about legal of someone
25:42Ethan Nestor:You're gonna have to toss me.
25:44Mark Fischbach:Oh when you say it like that first first prompt you can bring me back a legal
25:48Ethan Nestor:Oh, if you want you're ready for a lot of legal oh, that's the name of the episode
25:57Mark Fischbach:Damn it. It's why the worst I was like it ever control my contestants Look, when you get some like Legolo out there When you make Legolo exist I just couldn't pick between G and J Man, I don't know how it became an L Your scenario Elf Mark really wants to win Elf of the year, but Elf Bob Seems like the clear favorite Your starting letter is W Sorry, I was listening to you I'm still thinking about Legolo Elf Mark wants to win Elf of the year But elf Bob seems like the clear favorite your letter is W. Why why do you keep doing this to me year after year?
26:40Sounds man, have you nothing to say no wait, that's not the right letter We can't play this game.
26:48Ethan Nestor:We're not smart enough for it. Hold on. I thought did you say mark was going first? I didn't but he just I thought of a thing to say with W and then Mark went and my brain was like W's not after W and then I couldn't think of the next letter. I thought fucking Z was after W. God. Wait, I don't know. I don't know about this.
27:13Mark Fischbach:All right, let's start again. Um, Bob, you get to go first. Elf Mark wants to win Elf of the Year, but you seem like the clear favorite. Why you would kick this off I don't know but you do now well have fun with that next letter
27:28Ethan Nestor:which we all know is X okay I'll start I'll start it with that just to make you happy well looks like I win again loser you're right this is tough okay what word start with x you fucking douchebag god damn just give him a name i don't know call him xerxes i don't give a shit man no he's ligolo he's gotta be ligolo i can't name him something else like
28:03Mark Fischbach:that he goes by his middle name his name is xerxes ligolo elvington i don't fucking know hang on i gotta i gotta google something real quick i can't even if i take away or give points i have to do it for both of you because you're both incompetent you started with possibly the
28:18Ethan Nestor:hardest transit you were like let's warm up with a i spun a wheel yeah and we all always don't fudge those wheel spins that we do god no i would have missed this golden opportunity no game master ever has fudged a dice roll to make something work for their players we are legit here at distractible studios dude i'm looking at all these x words and i'm like man i do not know if these are spelled right. This is... Hmm. I got a couple for you. Xylophone? Well, that's the one everyone always does. Hold on. Okay. X, the everything app, said that I was the clear favorite. You always find something that tells you that you're the clear favorite.
29:050 % chance that I win? That's impossible. Anything's possible. But me winning, apparently.
29:12Ethan Nestor:Cause you're a loser and you'll always be a loser and I'm the best. Don't resort to name calling. You know that you bribed the judges. Everyone knows that I bribed the judges. That's why I always win. Fuck! Good. You're finally realizing the truth. You're finally going to accept what's going to happen here. Hopefully in a few years, this is all going to come to bite you in the ass. I hope that in a few years, you'll realize that you were the one biting my ass the whole time just wait till you get in your car cranky you're too cranky that's what that's what they're gonna call you you're gonna go down as the crankiest man i've ever known elf elf man man elf grown elf ligalo you can't even spell right cranky is with a c man that's why i bribe the judges i'm not a speller i'm a winner No, no, no, this can't be right I worked so hard Only to come up short once again I don't know what to tell you, it's not my fault Porn, I know about your secret Quick, call the news stations Oh no, Ligolo did porn Who doesn't know that?
30:32Mark Fischbach:Rawr You got me Alright, good warm up, good warm up You guys did great. We're on to the real game now. Oh, that's not the real game? It is, but that was the warm-up. All right, the next scene. Mark, you'll kick this one off. Police officer Mark tries to arrest Santa Bob for home invasion. Your starting letter is I. I don't have a warrant. And neither do you.
31:00Ethan Nestor:Just wait a minute now. There's a totally reasonable explanation for this. Claws? No. Claws with a C. That's you, isn't it? Look, look, I don't have any identification, so you're just gonna have to take my word for it. Yes, it's me. S. Claws. Merry Christmas. Get on the ground. No!
31:26Ethan Nestor:Oh, I thought you were going to shoot me. Or I'll shoot. Or. Or I'll shoot. Please don't. I could put you on the nice list. Really? You do that for me? I've done some terrible things. Quite awful, really. Just the worst that I could have. But I'll put you on the nice list if you promise not to shoot me. Stop tempting me. Stop tempting me. You're confusing me. I'm getting everything mixed up. Letters, my name, this gun, you. That's fine. Why don't you just hand the gun to Santa and we can talk this out. Undoubtedly, I want to trust you, but I can't. verily i say unto thee i am santa claus and i will have that gun in my gloved hand what's in your bag what's in the bag xylophones
32:22for the kids you know they love xylophones zero chance i'm not letting you go no yes wait shut up Yes. Shut up. You're confusing me. You, you're confusing me. Stop it.
32:39Ethan Nestor:Zep, Zep, can I call you Zep? Listen, I know you're not going to shoot me. You couldn't shoot me. I have a magical barrier. I've just been playing along to try and win you over because you're such a terrible person. But I really have nothing to fear from you, okay? So can we just, please? All Santas are bad. And I'm taking you in. Cut that one out. I don't want that in there. Let's just redo that one.
33:05Ethan Nestor:I don't know if he gets to cut that. I think that's what - no, I think that's the one. I think we have to go with that. Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I meant. Big mistake, boy. Now you'll get to see my true power. Cor blimey, Gov.
33:19Mark Fischbach:BLEH
33:25Ethan Nestor:Don't take an accent with me you slippery bitch. It's time to suffer for your misdeeds Evil you're you're evil. You're some kind of evil evil
33:40Ethan Nestor:Fun this is going to be so much fun
33:49I got a gun. I've got a gun.
33:59Ethan Nestor:Santa magically gets five times bigger and looms over you and is...
34:06Mark Fischbach:Ho, ho, ho. Seed. Got through it all. That's all the letters. That was it, right? God, I'm so glad you guys are such masters of the English language. I used up my one X so now I'm in trouble. Yeah, it's the only one I got the list of X's here And there's really nothing helpful Xantham gum and I guess is also a thing all right Bob you're leading off Elf Bob tries to convince elf mark that using AI to make the naughty list is a good idea
34:38Ethan Nestor:So I have to be I'm pro AI got it yep, and you are starting with the letter C Come on who really wants to do all that work? Let's just use the chat thing come on i don't know about this one man it seems kind of risky everybody's doing it literally everything you see is probably generated by ai at this point forget well about what everyone else is doing this could put people on the naughty list that shouldn't be there good they deserve it nobody's that nobody's good enough to belong on the nice list anymore Do you know how hard it is to be good in modern society? Happiness still exists in the world.
35:16Ethan Nestor:There's hope. Incels exist in the world. There's no hope. There's only tragedy. Naughty list. Just because some people have this idea that they're all socially inept and on the outs doesn't mean that there's not hope and happiness. Kleptomaniacs like you shouldn't be left in charge of what is good and bad about society. I know the truth. And I know they all deserve it. Legolo, you said you would not bring up my past. Markinus, I made no such promises. No promises? You swore an oath. Oaths are for idiots. That's what I say about that. I'm going to copy and paste this bad boy into ChatGPT and have it tell me who's what.
36:05Ethan Nestor:And we'll just give that to the big guy. We'll be done with it. Pussy.
36:13Ethan Nestor:Quill sucker Reindeer blower Santa liquor Treat tucker Uncalled for That was uncalled for That was you know about my personal Let's just back away from that one That's okay We'll let that go Very fair point I shouldn't have crossed that line Well anyway I'm gonna just go ahead and hit enter And have this thing tell us who's what and so we can get the hell out of here and go have some drinks. Grab your laptop. Xanthan gum?
36:49Ethan Nestor:You don't look at a man's search history. You don't. You give that back right now so I can get this done and we can get out of here. Come on. Zooks. God even. I can't believe you would trust this thing, let alone your search history. Anyone who looks at another man's search history does not get to tell me my business. Enter. Generating list of naughty and nice. Beep, beep, beep, boop, boop.
37:14Mark Fischbach:Oh!
37:15Ethan Nestor:Not oh. Oh!
37:20Mark Fischbach:And there we have it. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. It was going so strong until the very last letter. Damn it. I like this game. It's always fun to see what happens whenever you guys are approaching the letter X. Mark, you are starting this one off. Frosty the Snowman, a.k.a. Mark, sues manager Bob for putting him in charge of grilling food, which is causing him to melt. And your first letter is S. Sue! Sue, sue, sue, sue, sue, sue, sue, sue! I'm gonna sue you.
37:54Ethan Nestor:This is outrageous. Frosty, get back on the grill, get out of my face. We're in the middle of rush. Under no circumstances am I going back there. Look at my ass! Very funny. We both know you don't have an ass. I'll look at your bottom ball, and then I'll look at it as it waddles away back to the grill. Cook some goddamn burgers. Well, I do have one now. It's melted right down the crack that I didn't have before. Xenia Ohio needs their Wendy's, and I need you to go grill some square meat patties right now.
38:33Ethan Nestor:You made me do my weird scream. That's how angry I am! I'm a snowman, I talk a little funny. Just don't make fun of that. You always forget about why. I always forget about why. Ah, fuck!
38:49YAAAAAAA!
38:50Ethan Nestor:You made me do my second weird scream. Zip your charcoal, I've had enough lip. Here's your option. I'm either gonna write you up right now, kick your butt out of here, or you're gonna go cook some burgers. Or if you want, you could do dishes. But that's your only options all managers are bad. I'm gonna take you down Big man's going some pants, huh? Just cuz you think you got a little butt crack now and get some pants on there You think you think you're a big man like me you could take me on come spring. I'm dead anyway Why not start now? Do it you won't Yeah, you're right
39:32Ethan Nestor:Finally, I think you're - I think we're coming to an understanding. I think you're seeing my point. Okay? Are we gonna give back to the grill? Are we gonna comply? Are we gonna be compliant? Compliant employee? Good employees follow orders. But if I do melt, wouldn't that also not let burgers be made for Xenia's residents? Hey, if you do melt, I'll put you in some cups and sell you as ice water to customers. I guess I'd be okay with that. Got yourself a deal, Frosty!
40:03Mark Fischbach:Scene. What letter did we start with? I don't even remember. Well, you guys, you started at S, and you finished at I Guess You've Got Yourself a Deal. Oh, okay, so it ends when we get to the end of the scene. All right. Well, I was going to have you guys go the full loop of the alphabet, but I didn't know where you'd go after Guess You've Got Yourself a Deal. It kind of felt like an ending, so it just felt like a natural cut place. Well, then we, you know, we see where our relationship develops after that.
40:28Ethan Nestor:Mark, if we just end the scenes really fast, we never have to do X again. You're right. You're right.
40:34Mark Fischbach:All right. Your first letter is X. Or if you just forget again and again that it exists. The goal is to do the full loop. Propel Fitness Water.
40:46Ethan Nestor:With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolytes. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode, available on Plus and Pro Plans.
41:31Mark Fischbach:We'll just do one more. We'll do one more based on... Mark went first. Okay, so Bob, you'll go first on this one. The scene is you are both two toys at the North Pole planning a prison break to avoid being given to reckless kids that might destroy you. Sure. I swear to you, the first letter is X, but I won't make you start with X. No, let's do it. Yeah, let's do it.
41:53Ethan Nestor:If you're not going to cheat the wheel, don't cheat the wheel. I did not cheat the wheel. I've got this. I've got this. We're starting with X. Xmas is coming. Are you ready to execute the plan? Yes. You know it. You got me on your side. Zip zap zap. That's good news to hear, partner. We're going to get out of here. We're not going to have any kids smashing us up this year. All you got to do is tell me who to kill first. I'll kill him dead. Barry. I need you to kill Barry first. I know he's not a guard or anything. I just hate him and then we'll get going car I'll mess with his brakes. That's dastardly.
42:33Ethan Nestor:I mean mmm dastardly. That's the first thing I said was dastardly. I heard that So you know Everything's good boss. You don't need to justify yourself to me. I'm your loyal soldier Fine good. All right once Barry set up then we cut the bars. We use the rope we made out of bed sheets, we climb down, we float on a block of ice to Manhattan, boom, we're out of here. Just like Will Ferrell. Guns! I'll use guns to kill Barry. Hey, I don't know if we need guns. I know I said kill Barry, but implied in there was kind of like make it seem like an accident, you know? I got loads. I got loads of guns. I had the whole line rigged so they weren't making toy guns.
43:15Those are real guns.
43:16Ethan Nestor:Just ditch the gun before we're on the ice block floating across the ocean. How about that? I don't want that in the same vehicle as me, but whatever whatever you got to do kill Kill is what I got to do with the guns and they've gone all over the world so we can get them anywhere They're stashed in everyone's homes now. Look I got it. You're gonna kill Barry with a I don't want to know You shouldn't even be telling me this Deniability right do what you got to do and I'll see you at the bars murder is murder You're accomplished to it. I'm you're my boss. You tell me who to murder. I murder them.
43:49Ethan Nestor:No. Hey look I'm more like a guy who had a lot of thoughtful suggestions really like this was a team effort idea I wouldn't say that I'm in charge of anything. Oh No, don't beat you so humble you so humble boss. Look you're you're you're leading the resistance of the toys No kids ever gonna wake up on Christmas again Pretty sure I never said anything about that pretty sure we're leaving all those kids pretty sure we're staying as far away from the kids as Possible. We just don't want them touching us. That's fine. That's there's no other part to that Quiet night. Quick. Nice. All is calm. All is dead.
44:30Ethan Nestor:Really appreciate how excited you are to jump into song. Really brightens the mood and keeps everything... But can't stress enough. We're just escaping. We're just going away. Once Barry's dead, I think no more killing. I think that's the plan. Santa's already dead. That was not discussed. That never came up. That's... You did that unbr... Unprompted. Unprompted? Unprompted. Unprompted, yeah. V... Vikes.
45:05Ethan Nestor:Man, I'm really just trying not to say very. Well, let's just say Santa's suit is redder than usual. And then all the elves are... Are next. Scene. Xenia Ohio is our first target Hey I thought of an X word No no I love Xenia Ohio I loved it Never quite as aware of how rusty Your improv skills are Until you're thrusted to scenes For the first time in quite a while
45:35Mark Fischbach:Alright let me go over some points here Mark you got points for Being a window bro I don't know jizz Not all syphilis Hold on, wait, let's All by himself Fuck Elf of the year Crank with a K, I wrote there Doesn't know alphabet Claws with a C Ligolo, Sue Xanthan gum All blank are bad Which you used two or three times I got that callback point coming I know Finally remembered the letter Y violent night quiet night look at my ass toy prison break and the accent man for a total of 18 points bob you got points for uh james birthday late night pizza twinning with me i'm not sure what we were twinning on but you and i were twinning uh being a window bro with mark uh you wanted points for christmas you kept asking me so i gave you that point oh you made a syphilis pun but i I can't read my handwriting.
46:41Mark Fischbach:Syphilisteners? Syphilisteners, that's what it says. Syphilisteners. Gus Alchemy? That can't be what that says, but it looks like it says Gus Alchemy. Deuce Waitalo Male Gigolo. Ho, ho, ho. AI Naughty List. Markanus. Markanus in all caps. I don't know why, but I think it was Markanus. Frosty Point. Xenia, Ohio. Autumnball? Autumnball? I don't know and Vikes for a total of 17 points that's a lot of points wait what did Mark have? 18 points oh but that's before the wheels and stuff so right now it's 18 to 17 with the wheels to go close game I will not lie Mark got a lot of points late to catch back up because Bob you were kind of crushing it with Mark forgetting letters of the alphabet early and then Mark just had some bangers there with his violent accented prison guard.
47:37Mark Fischbach:I was actually a toy, but...
47:39Ethan Nestor:He was gonna kill the prison guard. All right, how many thingies are we gonna get? Oh, it's three. Look at that. Wow, what a shock.
47:49Mark Fischbach:I'm shooken. Do we already have used accents the most on there? We probably do. I think we do, actually.
47:56Ethan Nestor:I think we do. We definitely have one that's like, did the best Scottish accent, specifically.
48:02Mark Fischbach:Yeah, Scottish accent, I think we have. Maybe there's not an accents one Alright most accents used Cause Mark just kept having different accents And three spins Here we go Alright
48:19Mark Fischbach:Said fuck the most I've literally got it written down Mark has a fuck point I do have a fuck point I do indeed
48:28Ethan Nestor:I mean I know I said it
48:30Mark Fischbach:I can't prove who said it the most But Mark has a fuck point
48:33Ethan Nestor:Mark does have, I feel like that's a pretty strong argument. Spin number two.
48:41Ethan Nestor:Will to live? Will to live? I don't remember what it was. I'm not, I'm not, I still have plenty of will to live. I'm not giving up on that. I don't know how we measure.
48:52Mark Fischbach:I got will to live. Hold on. Bob did have to play Frosty who was fighting for his life. No, Mark was Frosty. I was the manager. Oh, that's true. Okay, Mark was Frosty. He had to fight for his life.
49:03Ethan Nestor:But then we came to an accord and he was just gonna do what I said even though it was killing him Ah, fuck. If anything that demonstrates a lack of a will to live, but that was also a character.
49:13Mark Fischbach:We'll just re-spin it. I don't have a solid answer for this one.
49:16Ethan Nestor:I don't think that reflects Mark's personal will to live. Yeah, I guess not. Loudest. I did my weird scream. Yeah, Mark did scream. I didn't ever really scream. I laughed pretty loud, but like...
49:30Mark Fischbach:I have in all caps for Bob, HoHoHo, and Markanus. I have FUCK, LIGOLO, and SUE in all caps for Mark. Oh yeah, you did yell SUE at me to start that one. And the scream. I think that one would go to Mark. Ugh, well that means I pretty much lose, I guess, but that's fine. There's always Goff rules or tie. Come on, Jared Goff rules. I'm so mad that they lost.
49:54Ethan Nestor:I couldn't believe that. Uh, add 10 % chance to one man's show. Well, thankfully it doesn't affect me. We should write that down somewhere. What the percent chance is that we currently have. Fuck, my drawer won't open. My score book is trapped in this drawer. I actually can't get it out. Oh man, fuck. I just almost ripped the cover off my score thingy. Okay, uh, I'm going to document what the current percentage is and then I'm just going to start writing on like the back cover of my little score sheet what the thing is so we have it so we have to add 10 chance and currently the winner's wheel is wow that's big it sure is 90 which is 25 right because it's it's one quarter of the wheel so currently
50:44Mark Fischbach:so we should be at 35 it goes up 10 percent not of the 360 but 10 so it would go up whatever 35 percent of 360s is that right that makes it 126 degrees oh oh so it's the most likely thing to land on next time there you go that's what that looks like now oh that looks very fair you know all right well um our final score is 20 to 17 after the wheel spins uh mark would you like to give us a winner's speech?
51:18Ethan Nestor:Mark, did you disconnect?
51:20Mark Fischbach:Hello? He's frozen. He is frozen. Mark? Hi. Oh, hey, there he is. Hey, man! Welcome back! It was my USB thing that has the Ethernet plugged into it, and I kicked it, and it... Oh, no!
51:37Ethan Nestor:Wait, Mark! He's gone!
51:42Oh, no!
51:44Ethan Nestor:Oh, man. Yeah, I hope he was like I'm gonna show him how I kicked it and then he kicked it again
51:50Mark Fischbach:I'm back. Hey, man.
51:52Ethan Nestor:Yeah, I wouldn't kick that thing a third time. I didn't kick it again It just Riverside caught up and was like hey, you're not you don't exist kick me out of the session
52:01Mark Fischbach:Well, welcome back man. Congrats on winning. Do you have a winner's speech? Oh, yeah, I won yay Great winner speech Bob do you have a loser speech?
52:12Ethan Nestor:Oh, no, I won ba-zoo with an X cuz the alright yeah whatever that was that was a fun game but man fucking I need more I need to know more words that start with X if we're gonna do that again Jesus
52:27Mark Fischbach:there aren't anymore I looked up well hopefully all of you guys out there watching and or listening enjoyed stay tuned for the next one where Bob will compete with me as Mark hosts us and whatever comes I suppose after the holidays Have a good holiday season everybody out there. If you haven't already go follow market market plier Bob my screw me at minion seven seven Lord being in seven seven seven iron lung is in theaters If you haven't gotten tickets yet, you need to it's spreading around. It's everywhere It's up in Canada I think now and theaters are selling out if you want to get tickets get your tickets go to iron lung.com The book we might have merch for distractible too But don't worry about that because I don't know the website for that one still after all these years Yeah, I can't remember that website see you all I guess after the new year begins.
53:11Mark Fischbach:Until then, podcast out. Watch new episodes on Spotify. The right window treatments change everything. Your sleep, your privacy, the way every room looks and feels. At Blinds.com, we've spent 30 years making it surprisingly simple to get exactly what your home needs. We've covered over 25 million windows and have 50 ,000 five-star reviews to prove we deliver. Whether you DIY it or want a pro to handle everything from measure to install, we have you covered. Real design professionals. Free samples. Zero pressure. Right now, get up to 45 % off with minimum purchase. Plus, get a free professional measure at Blinds.com.
53:50Rules and restrictions apply.
53:53Ethan Nestor:Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu. And the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweet Green app.
From the publisher
The guys alphabetically bring out the Christmas cheer with classic tales of elf prison breaks, fast food snowmen, gigantic Santas, and a whole lot of everyone's favorite character: Ligolo.
Reserve your ticket now at ironlung.com. Only in theaters January 30, 2026.
Order now at pandaexpress.com or a store near you.
Get set up quick and connect to their fast speeds.
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices