How To ABCs

0:00Mark Fischbach:This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Your vehicle doesn't just get you from here to there. It's a bridge to the people and places that matter most. It's how you show up for your family, your community, and everyone else that depends on you.

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1:07Mark Fischbach:Stop. This is SimpliSafe. Police are on the way. Using AI alerts, U.S.-based live agents help deter break-ins. SimpliSafe. No long-term contracts. Save 50 % on your new system with professional monitoring at simplisafe.com slash Spotify or with promo code Spotify. Outdoor deterrence requires a SimpliSafe Active Guard outdoor protection plan starting at$49.99 a month. Visit simplisafe.com slash licenses for alarm license information. Tennessee 2012. This episode of Distractable is presented to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. The folks over at T-Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test.

1:42Mark Fischbach:So if you want the fastest 5G speeds with a five-year price guarantee, visit t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speed Test. Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode. Weaving Wade goes Mickey, advocates xenomorphs, then challenges the chaps to raucous relays. Morgan Mark smells Wade, hits the red rug, fears Glambot, gets the judicial call, ejaculates and F-bombs. Beat down Bob, decks off C-nanners.

2:25finds fabulous farts, fibs about his globes, stops orgasms and masturbates. From psychopsovision to breakroom potentates. Yes! It's time for How to ABCs. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

2:55Mark Fischbach:Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm the host because the wheel chose me. And let's be honest, that's the only reason any of us ever really went as if the wheel chooses us. If you've never been here before, this is the show where one of us hosts, the other two compete for points, and whoever has the most gets to host the next episode. And as always, my two co-hosts, Mark and Bob, are here. Hello. Hello. Hi. How y 'all doing? Good. I'm good. Pretty good. Pretty good. How are you, host? Oh, I'm doing okay. One half of my eyes work right now, and it's great. Wait is your good eye or your bad eye the one that's working Do you have that or is that just a me thing My left eye is more dominant and my left eye is okay But whenever one eye is not okay It really screws with you but probably worse if it was my left eye That was blurry yeah Yeah you're fine you're fine shut up Okay don't shut up Oh you know I was gonna I should have taken away a point but I'm not ready on the points Pads yet so you're lucky you're lucky That was a test and you failed Oh man just wait till I get this pen in my hand I'm gonna remember these things I know you probably won't be able to read it anyway I'm not that scared Yeah you're a jerk Come on guys I've almost got No I wasn't saying he was a jerk I was saying he's an idiot Please save it for the episode Wait this is the episode I can smell you through the internet I can smell you Morgan Freeman is that you?

4:09No but that's what it was supposed to be Isn't that a Seed Anner's video? Oh right It's like gassy Mexican and Seed Anner They're playing Proud Put and he's like Can you hunt me as Morgan Freeman? And he's just like I can smell you

4:23Mark Fischbach:I think you're right Video's probably 12 years old now Oh, I think it's older than that I got bad news Points are ready to be going down Bob, I forget all the mean things you said So you do get a point for that reference Yeah, I'm such a nice guy I earned a point accidentally during my insult session You are the nice one I'm like the inverse Grinch The cinch? What's the opposite of G? Is there an opposite of a letter? Schnurg Oh we're playing that game Are we? No Well you can right now, you can play whatever game you want But no, that's not my game Everybody loved that game if I recall It was fun, I enjoyed it Didn't you guys yell at each other because you were doing it in different ways and then getting mad Sure, but I still had fun Especially since I knew I was doing it right And Mark did too I'm inferring from his noises Oh I'm the host I gotta move us on, I was like what now?

5:15Mark Fischbach:What happens next guys? We usually and will continue to start with small talk. So I guess anything new, anything good? I got a few fun things. I'm going to the Oscars. Really? Not because I'm going to win anything or I've been nominated, but I've been invited to the Oscars. I've never been invited. They have my address, right? Because I haven't seen anything yet. And I'm assuming. Oh, it must be in the mail. Yeah, must be. Yeah, must be in the mail. I have no idea because I've been to like premieres and stuff and things like that. but this is, I've been to obviously the Emmys, but that was the family and children's Emmys.

5:48What's going to be different about this one is like, I basically am being forced to walk the red carpet, but I'm curious. I'm curious this time if it'll be different than it usually is. You know what I mean?

6:00Mark Fischbach:A lot more sneers and dirty looks coming your way. Actually, you're probably right about that. They're going to ignore me harder. There's going to be one dark like mahogany carpet, and you're just going to see a mouse with a bat waiting for you to walk down that way. Oh no. Mickey no Really fucked up this time pal You're gonna need to send help for this You know Sam Raimi sends his regards Allegedly Yeah that covers That's legally covering any kind of When that happens in real life We'll be covered That's pretty sick though Are you like borrowing a suit made of Mole pelts or something crazy Are you doing the whole thing Mole pelts How'd you know my suit man I look I follow the I follow the industry what can I say I have my finger on the pulse you know cashmere mole pelts this is the tricky thing I do have to get like a really nice suit which I have some nice suits but it's like by someone you know a designer or something and I'll have to be expected to pull like a gaga man show up at something crazy be like in a ball full of blood like wearing an oxygen mask or something like yeah I'm not gonna lie it's pretty cool I don't know how to do that.

7:10I think they'd be really pissed

7:11Mark Fischbach:if I just got blood all over the carpet. You should just do it yourself. No, it's like one of those hamster balls. You know the things people fight each other in? They roll at each other down the hill in the balls? Do you still have those balls from Unus Onus when you kicked Ethan in the nuts? Yeah, I'm sure somewhere. Just bust out one of those. It'll be fun. I show up in one of those and it's like I only have this much air in there and I'm just dead by the time I'm on the fucking thing. I'm just going to be floating in this blood ball. If you ever performance no one would forget everyone would remember you that's true that's the goal that's the goal you're right that is the goal anyway it's not usually my thing to go to events like that but uh i'm kind of obligated into because i'm working with youtube a lot for things and it's not this year that they're hosting the oscars but i think next year or the year after that uh youtube tv is gonna air on the oscar or the editors flip that i don't want to say it again oscar is gonna air on youtube tv scratch that reverse it yeah whatever 2029 actually so it'll be quite a few years but one of the people at youtube got me an invite so oh that's pretty sick i'm about to be ruined by hollywood i have a reason to watch the oscars now just to see if there's a moment where they pan past you and i'm like oh it's gonna be because that's all it's gonna be it's gonna be if it's fucking what if they you you like walk in because it's all assigned seats right or at least some of it is like they give you a thing and you walk in and you're like f20 and it's like fucking samuel jackson or someone is just sitting there and you're like spotlight's gonna land on him be like everyone raise your hands for mark walberg mark walberg i'm not nominated for anything but i keep i know you'll probably be like up in the balcony or whatever but you'll be in there you'll be breathing the same farts as those people you're right they got great farts uh i i probably will be just like shoved off to the side but hey you know it's an honor no that's cool wait if you're walking the red carpet does that mean you get to do the cool motion video rig thing where they have the celebrities do a little po and that guy got fired for some reason that i don't understand even though his stuff was always awesome i don't know who that is but maybe i don't know i don't want to glam bot i think it's what it's called that's the one i don't know if i want to do that because the risk reward is so low because either i fuck it up and everyone who's made fun of it and i've probably made fun of it sometimes like ha ha you can't do it right even though it's turning and looking at a thing you know that's really all it is or i'm immortalized as yet another fucking meme for some stupid face i pulled and i didn't know on the fucking glam bot i don't think that there's any winning for me of doing that you're right you basically have to do it no i have to run so what they get you on glam bot is is looking at it in fear and running pretty much yeah then that would be the meme yeah you're right it's you realizing and then like that'd be a good and then just starts following me like it's like a minute long one when they're usually like 10 seconds or something and then you just see it like go through my chest a big explosion of blood out the back in front of the lens like and I'm dead.

10:28Mark Fischbach:And Glambot's immortalized forever. That's how I want to die. Get aliened by a Glambot. Well, if it came from the back and burst like a chestburster Glambot, that'd be kind of cool. Yeah, well, if it's chasing him, I'm assuming he's not running away backwards. Yeah, why would I do that? That'd less look... He's running away backwards just so he could be like... Don't forget to like and subscribe. So gotta pull a face. That's pretty cool, though. Hope you enjoy the Oscars. That sounds fun. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, I hope that's fun. That seems like it'll be fun. Maybe kind of boring, maybe kind of weird, but hopefully pretty fun I mean, it'll be a little weird because of things for me always are a little weird I'm still gonna be like why am I here?

11:06I don't know why I'm here

11:07Mark Fischbach:They're gonna have uh, I figure what the movie was that you were competing with for number one with iron lung But they're gonna have you present them an award just to like rubbing it send help They're just gonna get an award to make you present it like oh surprise Award presenter markiplier and like the last thing I want to do is is present I don't really like the idea of presenting things. I don't know why. It's just like, it's not my thing. You're like reverse Tony Stark. You don't like handing people things. What a reference. Nobody pointed and said that was funny. I'm crushed. I thought it was funny.

11:40I thought it was funny. I know, but you just laughed like a nerd. I went straight to giving you a point. What's better than that? See, look, I'll, I'll, Wade, that was funny. See, that's what I want. No, it's an insult.

11:53Mark Fischbach:Oh. It was so good I went straight to the point I bypassed laughing went straight to the point I'll take it So Mark's going to the Oscars Bob what's your competing small talk? Don't have diarrhea today for the first time in a while So you know I'm doing pretty good Oscars, tummy troubles You know I'm feeling pretty good I haven't had diarrhea Don't slander me like that self This is equally stupid compared to Mark's thing But my car had a recall on it I've owned this car for like a year Almost two years now And since I bought it, since before I bought it, this recall was out. It's one of those ones where it's like, it's not going to kill you, but like it might break at some point and be very inconvenient, but they were in no rush or obligation to like fix it.

12:34So I waited for a long fucking time. And I, on Friday this past week, I dropped it off and they had my car Friday through Monday over the weekend, which was again, kind of annoying, but they're fixing a thing. And it has been for the last year. Every time I turn it on, it goes bing bong. there's an open recall on me you should get me fixed and i've been like fucking i would if i could right i had to like wait my turn to get finally got it scheduled i dropped it off and i was like okay so you guys are gonna fix the recall whatever you replace the part and you're gonna turn off the thing in the software where every time i drive my car it tells me that there's a recall right because now i got it fixed so i don't need that anymore and the the person at the desk was like yeah yeah yeah they're gonna fix it and i was like i don't think you answered my question i think you just kind of waved me away but i don't care to talk to you anymore and i'm gonna assume it'll be fixed i got my car back yesterday it was on when i got it because the guy like pulled it out front and i got in i didn't drive it again until today i got in this morning turned it on and i was like ah it's good to have my car back ding ding there's an open ring call on me.

13:44I was like, ah!

14:13Mark Fischbach:pro plants. I'd rather they just fix that and didn't even fix the recall. God damn it. So now for the rest of eternity, my car is just gonna be like, there's a recall. Fix me. And I'm gonna be like, shut up. Just be a car. God damn. I'm surprised that you got a notification in the car because I got I get mine through a letter that I've had two recalls on my truck so far. The first one was like, there's a minor thing in the roof thing that could leak sometimes. And I'm Like, oh, they just need to change the rubber gasket. This next one, I got a letter. It was like, sometimes if you put it into park, it will not be in park.

14:47And I'm like, that seems like bad. And it's like, solution. We don't have one yet. We're working on it. And I'm like, interesting, interesting. No hills for me. Only park on flat ground. And be careful what you aim it at. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know. It's kind of fancy that I got on my own dashboard. My car was like, I have a recall. But also, why would you do that to me? But I'm sure it'll go away on its own, right? That sort of thing clears itself up eventually. It'll realize it got fixed, and then it'll be like, oh, I don't have to do that anymore, and then we'll be fine. Plus, I'm going to the Golden Globes.

15:24Not as cool as the Oscars, but pretty fun. Hey, some people say it's as cool. Are you actually going to the Golden Globes? Yeah, obviously. You didn't get your invite, man? Maybe my mailing address just hasn't been updated. I'm one of the three hosts of Hit Podcast Distractable. Why wouldn't I go to the Golden Globes? Which I think already happened this season. I don't remember. Right. Okay. So that is a lie point. I just wanted to make sure. No, I'm not. Whoa, hey, whoa. I'm not lying. I'm going to the Golden Globes. Yeah, he's gonna buy a pass. I'm gonna buy a three-day pass. I'm gonna get a meet and greet.

15:55I'm gonna start scheduling stuff. I love the gaming panels, the Golden Globes. I can't wait. They're doing a special reading of a secret episode of Welcome to Night Vale. I don't know what the different awards are even for. Golden Globes and Oscars are two different movie awards, but there are also other award ceremonies. The few, the proud, the Marines. That's not one. It's like, let me think of some other awards. If I had to guess, I think the Oscars, the Academy Awards are more prestigious. I think it has to do with the voting. The Academy Awards, the Academy votes on them. I don't know who votes on the Golden Globes, but it's not the film Academy of whatever the fuck the Academy is or whatever.

16:33but like also doesn't the golden globes also do tv i believe it does movies but also television awards i think maybe i'm not i should know this and this is me talking about this is going to get me excluded from any possible thing ever but you could still win a country music award top hit on reddit is the main difference between the golden globes and the Oscars is that historically the golden globes are rigged while the Oscars are not i don't know what that means but that's that's probably information that is totally internet true i hope blueprints wins game of the year

17:06Mark Fischbach:game of the year game of the year me been still into pokemon fan games been wanting sleep i don't know if i had really good steak there's a steakhouse in san texas state brazil we've all been there i went back oh good getting very busy though it's becoming like soda where like you have to have a reservation a couple weeks out because it's very busy very busy they got the meat and escalators outside still broken. I don't think it's their fault. Is it actually broken? It was when we were there. The one going up was shut down. I think I'm three out of three for going and getting to use the escalator up as a staircase.

17:38Mark Fischbach:But then at the top, they had it blocked off. It wasn't blocked off at the bottom. So you could use it as a staircase. When you get to the top, you have to like step over or move the sign that keeps you from going in. And it's like, that's concerning. Why not block off on both sides? No. But you know, meet good still alive. Hey, you survived. That's good. Good job, buddy. Unless you guys have any more small talk. I mean, I've always got more. I gave you a lot of small talk points. Mark, you had a lot of cool small talk. I give Bob a lot of small talk points. Anyway, I got more. Mine was way more relatable, you know?

18:08I got more. I got more. I got called for jury duty. Ooh. Are you going? I don't know. It's the way it works in, because I got called for jury duty back in Ohio. And it was like, you show up for that court case. But in LA, it's you are on call to be a juror for one week, right? And so if you are called in, you report and then do the whole juror selection process. And I'm concerned because when I did my first jury duty, I was picked as like number two juror and I was like 19 years old. So something about me seemed presentable and professional. So I got to show up disheveled, dirty, just absolutely uncaring.

18:49but wear your oscars blood outfit no i can tell you if you wear your director hat and some sunglasses when they and when they ask you to introduce you to be like oh i'm markiplier uh you may have heard about my mood they'll immediately be like yeah we're using one of

19:06Mark Fischbach:our vetoes get a t-shirt that says uh jesus was a mushroom or just do the brian regan bit i don't know that one uh i stole six cars i killed three people oh victim victim no i don't know that one but it sounds funny. Am I allowed to talk about the court cases after it's been done? Probably not supposed to. The real thing is, if you do get picked for something, it's going to be really fucking boring. Like, not that people want to be on a murder case, because, like, then you're dealing, you have to see things and learn about things that are potentially, you know, terrible. But there's a much better chance that you're going to be on a thing where it's like, no, this guy defrauded California out of taxes money, and we're going to prove it.

19:42And it's like, great. I love reading documents. Explain it to me. Hooray. That was the boring thing about the last one I won't get into too many details but it was basically that It was being like they're squabbling over This guy didn't pay this much about this And it's just like

19:56Mark Fischbach:You don't want to end up on like a high profile case Because you end up sequestered it's like you're supposed to be away from Everyone for a long time and that would suck Can I make YouTube videos they won't let me make YouTube videos Yeah that sounds like content to me baby Alright Hey just me and our jurors room 29 at the old yee Hotel it's your boy Marky Mark Mark Epleyere coming at you live from the jury deliberations. We have a verdict that you get it first if you're a paid subscriber. Let's check out juror number eight. Last time you said she was the hot one. That's the kind of stuff you make, right?

20:29Yep. You know my contest so well, man. You're such a dog, Mark.

20:33Mark Fischbach:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. You guys are funny, you know that? Did I get any points for it? Oh, yeah, man. How many points did I earn for all my jokes I told? Oh, I don't know. I'm just going to start writing some points. all right good good man good thank you you know what a fun trial to sit i wasn't on a jury when so when hi whenever i got called for jury dude i don't know if it was for federal or for local but it was the thing where i had to call once a week for a month so like four times i had to call to see if i still had to be on the jury and then like one of the times they were eventually like you will not be on this jury you don't have to call anymore that's okay cool that was the only time i've ever gone through the process but it was like a weekly call-in whatever i was working at the courthouse i went and i got to sit on some of the war shack i think it was steven warsheck Basically, it was the smiling Bob, the this is Bob, like penis pill trial.

21:17Mark Fischbach:Huh? That was a fun one to sit in on. You guys remember the Hi, This is Bob commercials? I remember the, yeah, like the Cialis commercials with Bob or whatever. I think that was the guy. What commercial? Hi, This is Bob penis pill? Yeah, it was always like him like waving and smiling and then like his wife with sunglasses like looking whenever his trunks would fall off. Oh, oh, I think that was the group. I might be misremembering the company associate, but I think it was Warshak that was the owner. The article here is the rise and fall of the Cincinnati boner king. This would have been great for yesterday.

21:50Mark Fischbach:Last episode. I was working at the courthouse whenever that one came in. So a lot of the details of the case were actually really sad and depressing because people got scammed out of money and stuff. But like the overall theme of the boner pill stuff, funny. It was a big mixture of funny and sad. The topic of which was interesting. If I remember right, one of the details was like, I think it was an open trial. how people could come and media was in there, but they got accused of, and I think found guilty, of basically having a subscription thing where it's like, oh, so sign up for a free thing, but you have to give your credit card, and you couldn't cancel or something, or it was really hard to cancel.

22:22Mark Fischbach:Those commercials were great. Unfortunately, sometimes people running companies aren't good. Shock, shock. This episode is brought to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. You already know that T-Mobile 5G Home Internet is ridiculously easy to set up with a price that doesn't feel like you're getting scammed every month. But here's something new worth noting. T-Mobile now has the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test. No, seriously, their 5G home internet speeds are officially the fastest, which means that when you're downloading all your movies that aren't mine, every single one except for mine, you'll get them at the fastest speeds possible, along with all your video calls and uploading files and maybe even streaming something in the background, you know.

23:06Mark Fischbach:And yeah, it is still a great value. Backed by a five-year price guarantee, so your bill doesn't slowly creep up when you're not paying attention. So if you want the fastest 5G home internet, with a simple setup and savings that actually stick, head over to t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability today. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on OOFSA speed test intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved. So we have a game today. It's going to be a combination of a couple different games that we've played. I don't think anything that anyone said was a segue, so I can't give any segue points.

23:38Mark Fischbach:We've done episodes of how to, how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, how to boil an egg, how to do all. We've done that stuff before. We've also done a game where you two will talk to each other and have to start off a sentence with the following letter. Like, hi, how are you? I am good. How are you? Kangaroos, man. They're everywhere. You know, H-I-J-K, whatever. I might have skipped a letter in there. We're going to do some how to's where you two work together to tell me how to do something while playing the alphabet game. I'm ready for that. easy low effort and i'll even i'll leave this up to you guys do you guys want to just pick the letter you start on and then the next time the next person i'll get to pick the letter do you want me to do the random thing again random and so we're working together to sell this right yep i'm just gonna pull up a picture of the alphabet in front of me so i can't fuck that one up i'm gonna go in blind i don't need any crutches all right i've got i've got a wheel we love our wheels i've got a wheel with letters a to z in front of me so i'll be spinning that to see where we start to see who goes first mark you're first in the line here so you'll be heads bob you'll be tails hail goes first bob you get to go first all right so your topic will be how to train for a 5k when you hate running your starting letter is n n is in nancy does this have to be like everything we say is like one sentence like it's a list of instructions kind of deal one sentence i think is good yeah nobody likes running but you're gonna try orgasmic pleasure awaits you with the runner's high pleasures you can only imagine until you know how to achieve such a mystical mythical high retrograde ejaculation is achievable when you run do we just skip a letter already yes I got my you thought I was lying but I am sitting here staring dead ass at my picture of the alphabet no one is getting any shit past me you're right man I really need that I'm not gonna do it though no no you don't come on man we could do this we could do this should I back up and drag in Sure, you're on cue.

25:49I'll help you. Quick, act now and you'll be running marathons with pleasure soon. Running is easier than it seems. All you have to do is run. So, so, so easy. That's what this tutorial is about. How easy running is and that you should go run right now. Understand, the only thing standing between you and orgasmic pleasure is your laziness. Very lazy boy, very naughty boy, no orgasmic pleasure for you. When will you learn that pleasures beyond your comprehension are right around the corner? Xerxes could run for thousands of miles, and he may have been a god, but will get you running a 5k in no time.