I See Two Paths

14:13Mark Fischbach:to have campfires in Ohio. Not for long. Not for long. Uh-oh.

14:20Ethan Nestor:Yeah, I mean, it's been so high here, I already feel like, uh, I don't know if I'd do that in my backyard. We got a lot of grass. We got a lot of grassy plants. A lot of brown, crispy stuff that, um, is the kind of thing that likes to burn when embers fall on it. Nah, that's probably fine.

14:34Mark Fischbach:I'm sure it'll be fine. It's gonna be fine. Any more talk small? Any more small talk?

14:39Ethan Nestor:I thought that was on purpose. Was that, uh, You never know with him. I honestly think everything that Wade does is on purpose and completely calculated, and he just plays it off. He just does things like that, and he's all, well, I didn't mean to do that.

14:53Mark Fischbach:Whoa. I have had some real word salad moments. I don't know if you guys ever saw Boston Legal, but there was a whole thing where, I forget which character it was because it's been so long. Was he the one that did the word salad? I thought it was Alan Shore. Alan Shore, yeah.

15:06Ethan Nestor:Denny Crane was Will Shatner's character, and Alan Shore was the main guy played by, what's his face? Blacklist guy. I don't know this show at all. You know Boston Legal?

15:15Mark Fischbach:Well, you both wanted to be lawyers, so yeah. Yeah, somebody with the word salad thing. Basically, I don't know, I've had this thing lately where I'll go to say a sentence, especially if it's like a snarky one, like the other day we were at dinner, and I was like making fun of my niece a little bit, like poking fun at her, and I went to say something, and just pure fucking gibberish came out of my mouth, and I was like, well, never mind. Guess I'm the idiot. That's happened to me a lot lately.

15:37Ethan Nestor:Mark, I think it's time to start talking about where we're going to put him, Mark. I think it's time to look through the pamphlets and find a home for him. Wait, if you want to improve your word ability, you can't. Thanks, man, so just give up. Look, you can accept the realities of where you are or you can rage against the dying of the light and hey, why do that? Feeling the fog encroaching on the edges of your consciousness? Die, I guess. Sorry. We're

16:07Mark Fischbach:human. No fixing that. Ah, see ya! Uh, Mark, would you get a point later for motivational dick? Just know that's where it came from. Oh god, not the motivational dick.

16:18Ethan Nestor:I find Mark's dick very motivational. I have to agree with that point. The dick of motivation. Is that the new Indiana Jones movie? Indiana Jones and the dick of motivation? It's actually an alien's dick, and it comes to life when you put it back where it goes. And it turns out taking that dick makes your brain explode,

16:39Mark Fischbach:Because it was just too much for anyone to handle only if you take the really fancy looking dick if you take the plane That was a different movie never go for the intricate fancy dick always go for the plane on that's the that's actually the porn parody

16:59Ethan Nestor:Indiana bones and the holy nail But what was it the legend of the holy I don't forget what the movies even called who cares? Oh, Goblet of... Goblet of Fire?

17:11Mark Fischbach:The Goblet of Fire! It was some kind of drinky thing, right?

17:17Ethan Nestor:It was a drinky thing. Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire? Indy, what have you done? This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. I spend irresponsibly. It's not my fault. It's not the company said I'm subscribing to's fault. It's no one's fault. I'm perfect. Do you know how many subscriptions you pay for? I don't. Probably a lot. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. So it found a Twitch subscription. I won't say who, but I was like their longest subscribed person ever.

17:57So they were just like, this guy who never is in my streams is like on a 74-month streak of subscription, and I canceled it.

18:05Ethan Nestor:No! Wade, he's not gonna have your emotes anymore. Oh man, you were my second longest.

18:12Mark Fischbach:Sorry man, Rocket Money found it out. Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of$500 million and canceled subscriptions with members saving up to$740 a year and they use all of the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash distractible today. That's R-O-C-K-E-T-M-O-N-E-Y.com slash D-I-S-T-R-A-C-T-I-B-L-E. Rocketmoney.com slash distractible. Thinking about refreshing the carpet in your home? Now's the time to do it. For a limited time at the Home Depot, get 10 % off installed carpet projects on trusted brands like LifeProof, LifeProof with PetProof Technology, Home Decorators Collection, and Traffic Master.

18:56Plus, with installation starting at just 49 cents per square foot, upgrading your space is more affordable than ever at The Home Depot. Offer valid September 24th, 2026 through October 4th, 2026. Exclusions apply for licenses. See homedepot.com slash license numbers. The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years Think about it But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda Now lime comes first 7up, flip the sip

19:42Mark Fischbach:Oh yeah, I gotta host an episode Hey guys, welcome to Distractable That was the small talk and us being ourselves portion now I get to put these two to the the the never mind see see what I mean I feel like that's on purpose I don't believe you

19:56Ethan Nestor:I feel like it's on purpose it's a scam Mark he's running a scam uh we've done

20:00Mark Fischbach:we've done a couple episodes where or at least one episode uh where we did like a how to and it was getting dumber we would like give instructions give worse instructions worse worse worse this time it might be similar but instead of the descriptions getting dumber I'm just gonna kinda give you guys weirder and weirder how-tos and you're gonna tell me how to do it we're you're gonna give us how to's and i'm gonna give you a prompt and you're gonna describe how to do it oh okay okay we are

20:28Ethan Nestor:wiki how let's start with something real simple who goes first i'll flip a coin

20:37Mark Fischbach:ah tails is mark great so bob you'll go first okay i think i just scratched my microphone

20:45Ethan Nestor:Oh my god, it's fine.

20:47Mark Fischbach:Bob, how do you organize your workspace for maximum productivity?

20:53Ethan Nestor:I'm going to have a really hard time trying to sincerely do this and not just giving shitty, get more stupider style advice, but organize workspace for maximum productivity. As Adam Savage says, it's all about having the tools that you use most frequently to hand. it's not about aesthetics and it's not about hiding things away an efficient productive workspace is put together in a way so that you have to move your hands the shortest possible distance to grab the tools that you use most so it depends what you do for me I have my distractible coin my points notebook all of my computer accoutrement my ever growing legion of fidget toys that make way too much noise but i use them anyway and all the drugs i need to be the man i am on camera uh all within arm's reach on my desk and uh and then you know then then as you move further away into deeper storage then you have the stuff where it's like well i only get that out once a week so that goes in this you know this cabinet here i know where that is i have a battery charging station you only really need to swap batteries out if you're doing something like if you burn through a whole camera battery you're probably doing a bigger project so that's like the batteries live in their special cabinet and their charging station stuff like that like i don't need to break it down in too much detail but it's about having things to hand and you have to decide you have the hard work is you have to figure out which tools do i constantly grab for what things do i need at an arms in arms reach from where i'm doing most of my work and then you just go from there

22:30Mark Fischbach:tool in the hand is worth two in your bush i only have one in my bush mark organize your workspace for maximum productivity? Alphabetically. Everyone knows that's the first thing people think of. If you don't think of alphabetically, you're dumb. And also they changed the alphabet song. Did you know that? I did know that. L-M-N-O-P or whatever the hell it is.

22:54Ethan Nestor:No, they broke it up so that there's a break in between L-M. Yeah. L-M-N-O-P. I don't even know what comes after P when it goes like that. I can't do that. It feels sacrilegious. I hate it. I'm okay with that. But they also changed the words after Z. It's like, it's something else. I don't know. Not now I know my ABCs.

23:19Mark Fischbach:Does it occur to you that you have learned the A, B, and Cs? Because now you are friends with me, like it or not. I think that it might be actually, it's like the grocery cart test. if the kid can't understand that LMNOP is not one word, and it's LMNOP, because I understood that as a child, that is, when you sing that, LMNOP is different things. But a lot of kids apparently think that it's one word. But that's a shopping cart test. Is that kid worthy of being in society at all? Can they differentiate LMNOP? If they can't, throw them in a fucking volcano.

23:53Ethan Nestor:If they can't do it, they just have to live life without those letters. Only the smartest among us get LMNOP. I didn't know Minnow was a letter of the alphabet.

24:03Mark Fischbach:We figured it the fuck out. Why can't they?

24:05Ethan Nestor:No, I definitely had a, I had that moment where that came up and I was like, I don't want to do that. I'm going to, he'll figure out the old way. I'll just do the old way. And I was like, yeah, buddy, sing your alphabet. And he got there and James was like, H I J K. I'm a memo P. And I was like, oh fuck. It is a problem. Isn't it? Oh no. Wait, how does the new one go? Shit. Anyway, alphabetically organize your space alphabetically. It works every time. So what do we do? We go back and forth. I have to do a stupider one now or what's the rules here? No, let's move on to the next topic. Oh, okay.

24:37Mark Fischbach:Your answers can be as straightforward or silly as you want them to be.

24:40Ethan Nestor:I just want to throw out that I would like to change my official answer to Dewey Decimal System. I would like to propose a Dewey Decibal System in the organized based on loudness. It's loudness!

24:52Mark Fischbach:How about Stewie's Decimated System? Uh-huh. All right, Mark, how do you perfectly soft boil an egg? I actually know this one. You buy that artificial egg. So they make this thing that's a timer. It's a little, it probably leeches plastic into it. Let's be honest, because it seems like it's made of plastic. There's purpose. Fine. It's fine. But there's some, uh, something in it that is a heat, heat changing color thingamabob. It changes color with heat, right? So as it changes, it's in tune with what an egg would cook at. So you see an in inside it starts to reveal or I forget if it's like it's opaque or yeah, it starts opaque or no start start transparent becomes opaque in in line with like the cook.

25:41So you got soft on their medium hard and it is pretty accurate. Also, you drop your eggs in when they're boiling when it's boiling, not you don't raise the temperature of it as you don't set them in cold and raise the temperature because you don't know. Sometimes it takes a different time to get up to temperature. You set it in when it's boiling so you know. And I know some people are like, oh, shell crack. Well, your egg will be bad if you do it the other way. You won't know. Then you got sulfurous, stinky eggs.

26:09Mark Fischbach:I really enjoy it. I was like, oh, you actually know how to tell this. And I love that your first thing was you buy the cheesiest tool. The cheesiest? It's an accurate tool. I'm sorry. Do you not use a calculator? Because you're like, oh, it's cheesy to know what the actual answer of math would be.

26:24Ethan Nestor:Mark you're never gonna have a calculator When you need to do calculus in your adult life Okay

26:29Mark Fischbach:Since when have you had a calculator handy When you have to do a differential equation

26:32Ethan Nestor:Mrs. Grimsby was right And tools are for idiots Who can't do calculus Yeah Adam Savage is a Bastard and having tools With an arm reach is dumb And also a little beta behavior Let's be honest

26:48Mark Fischbach:Yeah pretty much Adam we know you're a big fan of the show I'm sorry. Well, we're not a big fan of you get out at well We all speak for each other here Editors put him on an island cuz he's alone

27:13Ethan Nestor:Was the ocean it's fine, it's not important fine the lost city of guam also known as atlantis apparently uh soft boiling egg it's even easier you still need a tool but you just need a tool that could do time stuff it's six and a half minutes hard boil like mark said don't pull your eggs in cold water and put them on the stove get the water to a hard boil eggs in six and a half minutes straight out of the boiling water into an ice bath boom perfectly soft-boiled it's not it depends on your elevation but unless you live on top of fucking mount everest or something it's between six and a half and seven minutes and once you do it once you'll know if you how if you need to add or subtract like five or ten seconds from your thing for me it's six and a half minutes boom perfect nailed it i forgot about the ice bath that is a crucial part yeah because otherwise you never get soft-boiled eggs because if you take them out and you just sit even if you take them out of the water and you just sit them on the counter they're so hot that they they'll just turn into medium or hard-boiled eggs on their own anyway you gotta shock you gotta stop those bitches and that helps with removing the shell have you guys seen the trick where you before you hard boil your eggs you hold it and on the fat like you know there's kind of like a wide end and like a skinny end on the fat end of the egg you just like tap it with a spoon and it doesn't break the outer shell but if you tap it in the right way it'll do like a little like like a little pop and that has something to do with an inside structure of the egg itself that will make the shell remove even more cleanly when you then boil it then ice bath it then try and peel it it's weird i saw it on like tiktok and i was like that doesn't work and then i tried it once and i and it actually it's just actually works and it's really i don't understand what it is but it works i know that there's a ton of different methods to peel an egg, but also I don't know why, but I've never had trouble with it.

29:04Probably because I don't know, my mom is really good at peeling eggs. Like she gets almost perfect every time, no matter which way. And she'll just like randomly throw an egg in a pot. It'll come out perfectly boiled. She'll be able to like one handed, take the shell off. And then it's like, there's an egg. And so I kind of learned from her. And one of the other things is like, once you start a crack, have it, have a small stream of water and have the water pour right onto the crack so they can get under the layer because as soon as it gets under the layer that can help separate it on

29:34Ethan Nestor:that's a good tip too and if you're really inept with your hands if you take a small tupperware and put a little like a quarter inch of water in it and put the egg in you can literally just shake the egg in the water and open it after 10 20 seconds and you'll have a the only danger is it might rupture the white a little bit but if you like don't want any effort that that also totally works that's pretty cool there's a physical phenomenon and i forget what it's called but there's a difference between how things crack or interact or cut in air versus in water. Like, I forget what the experiment was.

30:07It was something like a knife or...

30:08Ethan Nestor:I'm sure it has something to do with fluid dynamics and... Yeah, yeah. It's something about how water's incompressible in air. Water surface tension or something. So it, like, keeps whatever the shock waves in the material or something like that. I don't remember what it is, but there's something about water itself.

30:21Mark Fischbach:Well, not everybody can make soft-boiled eggs. I forgot about the ice bath thing. I don't do eggs like that a lot, but I remember the... I feel like my family filled like a sink with water and put like ice and stuff in it. If you want soft, you need the ice because it needs to stop cooking. It has to. Yeah. All right, Bob, I think you're first this time.

30:38Ethan Nestor:I feel like we're just giving really good advice this episode. I feel like this is a valuable episode. How do you befriend a crow? Peanuts. Crows love peanuts. And it's counterintuitive, but what they really respond to is you get shelled peanuts or you take them out of the shell and you gotta try and huck them and bounce them right off their forehead. And it's not like a power dynamic thing or anything. It's just they really respect that. It's why Ethan will never befriend crows. It's one of his greatest failures as a person. Crows, game respect game. And crows just, if you nail them right between the eyes with a peanut and then they get to eat the peanut, it's like the perfect combo of instantly, like one shot, one perfect shot, boom.

31:24Ethan Nestor:Friends for life.

31:24Mark Fischbach:Like me with steak you hit me the forehead with a fillet. I'm just like oh, thank you I mean, yeah, someone's throwing well-cooked fillets at me. I mean Bob you're actually right I don't know if you said peanuts Offhand or if you actually knew like no, I did know that okay. They love peanuts And there actually has been a family of crows. This is the story. I was gonna save murder of crows even Don't murder my crows man a Cheryl of crows. What was the movie? Crowman the crow

31:57i am crow man they uh there's been this family crows that lives up in a tree um and you know they they steal whatever they want because they're crows and they're very smart and they do um so uh you know uh amy's setting out water for him every day so because we have a pool and we're like don't drink water and you know water and they they've appreciated that so she has actually befriended the crows. The crows really like her. They tolerate me, but they actually actively like her. And the dogs actually are kind of comfortable. So they land in the yard and then Chica and Henry don't chase after them.

32:31And so it's kind of weird. There's this ecosystem growing. I almost sabotaged it because here's how you don't befriend a crow. And this will teach you how to befriend a crow by example of not. I had a banana peel. I'd walked across the yard and I had a banana and I ate the banana and I had a peel and I was like, I don't have a trash can. It's biodegradable, right? But then I see a crow, right? It's up on a branch right above me, maybe like 20 feet away, a decent distance. And I was like, oh, I'll throw the crow generally, or I'll throw the banana generally in that direction. And then maybe if they want the banana peel, they can have it.

33:10If not, it'll land in dirt and it'll decompose, right? Because of biodegradable. I had the most perfect throw of my life the crow was on the branch and i just randomly go like there you go and it arcs exactly where that crow was and it had to go like miss it by an inch the banana peel landed on the branch where it was standing it would have wrapped around that actually i think it's a raven i'm almost positive it's a raven which that quote doesn't make any sense because As I look at these ravens, there's a bird app that hears the sound of the bird and it tells you what bird it is. And there's a very distinct difference between crows and ravens, right?

33:52I look at these ravens and I'm still like, I don't know if it's a crow or not. I was actually, I was actually just going to bring that up. Yeah. Some people that like that adage suggests that these are like bald eagle sized birds and they're not, they're the size of a hawk and a hawk is pretty big, but also like a Raven is not a gigantic pterodactyl flying across your house. Like they're suggesting like it's some B-27 bombers going by. Like, no.

34:19Ethan Nestor:That's exactly what I looked up. That's so funny. No, because, yeah, I saw that on the subreddit. People were like, they don't know the difference between a crow and a raven. When you see a raven, you'll fucking know. Because ravens are like monster. And I looked it up. And the crows compare in size to a pigeon, which is a medium, small bird. and ravens are, it said, about the size of a red-tailed hawk. And I was like, what is that, like the size of a big pigeon? That's not a dramatic enough size zippers. They're not that big. I know. And what's crazy is we have red-tailed hawks here where we are.

34:53It was a hawk nesting ground, and so hawks and crows fucking hate each other. So there's bird war going on in the skies above us, and we still don't know if they're ravens or crows. Well, we're pretty sure they're ravens.

35:06Mark Fischbach:But you can tell the red-tailed hawks from the crows, right?

35:08Ethan Nestor:No, Mark, if it was a raven, you would fucking know, okay? There's no like, oh, it's in a rain. It's not, you would know. Its eyes glow red. Its laser vision can chop trees down. It's nuts. These ravens. Anyway, that's how you befriend a pro.

35:32That answers your question.

35:34Mark Fischbach:Mark, I think this one's perfect for you. Don't be offended. Oh, fuck How to fake knowing sports during a conversation Oh, I'm not offended by that, okay Alright, because I do it a lot Oh, wait I feel like I've answered this specific question before So it's something similar No, there was someone that, no, it was on go That I answered this question for somebody Like, hey, I don't really know sports that well And it was like, you just gotta learn a few key phrases Like You just gotta ask Do you think that's gonna be his year? Whenever they say anything or when anything happens and just say like, wow, he's not doing the same as last week, not implying better or worse.

36:12They'll fill in the gap for you. And you ask questions like that. And, uh, or you ask like, uh, what's his stats this year? I haven't looked them up. And then they'll just start playing. And then by the time that they're done talking, the game will be over and you will have escaped it. And then if they don't like one player, bring that one player up at every opportunity and compare every other player to that player. There's a Tom Brady in the world For every Tyler Scheid out there You can find who that is And you can make them think about that person They hate forever Good deflection, good deflection strategies Bob?

36:48Ethan Nestor:I don't disagree With Mark's I guess, but mine Is if you find yourself in a situation Where you hang out with a lot of sports people On a regular basis, and this is a thing you need All you need is One news story That anyone, even if they don't care about That specific sport will know about and will have strong hot takes on. Like, for example, right now, all you need ready to go. And honestly, it's an interesting thing to follow anyway. So like it's fun to fun. Well, I don't know if fun is the right word, but it's interesting to read up on what's been happening. Caitlin Clark, you just mentioned Caitlin Clark to a sports person, even if they don't care about the WNBA, even if they don't care about basketball.

37:29Ethan Nestor:If you just have a little tidbit or like a very lukewarm take go out caitlin clark and be like ah did you see the season caitlin clark's haven't kept can't believe she didn't make the all-stars this year or whatever boom the entire room will get in on that shit and you don't have to worry about contributing anything and there's always something like that right like right now caitlin clark is probably the biggest one i know of but there's always something where it's like oh did you hear that tom brady did or said something or somebody's gonna come out of it there's always something so you just need like that one thing because you can use it over and over it's like every weekend you go and football season or whatever and you could bring up caitlin clark again because then they will all know like oh yeah this week did you see stephen a said some stupid thing about caitlin clark and blah blah they'll just take over those

38:17Mark Fischbach:got they got that for you fair enough unironically i do want to go see one of her games because like

38:22Ethan Nestor:indianapolis is not that far from cincinnati i i don't watch any form of basketball at all kaylin kark kaylin clark highlights are wild literally she's just like running and in at half court and we'll just be like whoop three points like what the fuck i didn't i didn't know you could shoot from that far away jesus christ as someone who hasn't watched a lot i don't know

38:43Mark Fischbach:what it is about her that has like made the wnba and like you know women's college basketball kind of like blow up but like as someone who's never really consumed a lot of it i want to go to a game and watch like especially one where she plays as an angel reese i forget what team yeah angel recently on chicago but like i want to see one of those games yeah no it's crazy it's crazy stuff i want to show you something um that makes me laugh really really hard because if you remember uh someone made like a unapproved book about me right okay sure i i don't know if this one is approved or not but it really makes me laugh i've never seen this this format of book before but This is a book titled, Who is Caitlin Clark?

39:25What? For those that are listening, if you look up the number one New York Times bestselling series, Who is Caitlin Clark? It's by Mary Jo Borzileri, spelled exactly like it sounds.

39:37Ethan Nestor:I mean, it says number one, number one New York Times bestselling book. So it must be sanctioned. I don't know. Whatever. Permitted. It must be. I just, I've never seen this before. And as a guy who puts big my head on bodies for thumbnails almost all the time, really funny to me.

39:58Mark Fischbach:That's a big head. Bob, how do you become king during a zombie apocalypse? I see two paths.

40:06Ethan Nestor:I see two paths. One of them involves a lot of cigarettes. Like, you need to control the cigarette supply. You need to have all the cigarettes. And the other one involves convincing everyone that you can talk to the zombies. The cigarettes one, I feel like, is pretty obvious. There's always something, and in a post-apocalyptic world, everyone's like, I need a smoke or a drink or something, right? There's always something. That's just like, if you control the flow, you control the power, you become the one in charge sort of deal. That's so smart Because you can stockpile a lot more cigarettes Than you could like bags of food So you just pill the bomb shelter With nothing but rows and rows Of vape cartridges You know rechargeable ones Cigarettes all devices A vape that's just Photovoltaic cells on the outside So as long as you set your vape out in the sun It recharges and you can vape You can vape anything man

41:06Mark Fischbach:I have liquid Greg can you vape me

41:13give yourself a point there

41:16Ethan Nestor:vape pretty much anything with nipples but the other one i feel like is also self-explanatory it just goes in a very different way and it's in the post-apocalyptic times everyone's going to get increasingly superstitious right like society breaks down scientific knowledge is lost everyone forgets how things work all you need is like one friend in a in a in a very convincing disgusting zombie costume you know some this setup and you just need to convince us a colony of people that you are the one who can talk to the zombies and it's very like you know maybe you do sacrificial rituals and that keeps them away or this sort of thing like it's it's very like culty sort of right But you just need to be the one who is the cult leader.

42:04Ethan Nestor:You basically become the de facto king. Because there's no social media. No one's going to be snooping around Facebook groups debunking all of your cult. Who's going to undermine a cult in a world where you can only talk to people in person and there's no internet and all that bullshit. That's why it was so much easier to have a cult back in the day. Because no one talked to nobody. as long as you could control the phone line or whatever or the telegram probably boom cult easy peasy everyone just believes you as long as you're charismatic enough and you tell the right

42:36Mark Fischbach:story easy king of the world i had a cult how-to bob and you just predicted cult things i gotta give you an extra point for predicting cult i'm welcome i see two paths right sounds familiar you can be king you can be king of the people or you can just be straight up king of the zombies King in a zombie apocalypse The people are going to keep fighting Everyone's going to want to be king Everyone's going to be fighting for that No one's fighting to be king of the zombies It's very similar to what Bob was saying You get an elaborate scheme going Give the zombies some cigarettes Get the zombies nice Nice and addicted Yeah you give them Because I believe that if zombies are broken down to their base instincts They would really love cocaine So you get all these zombies hopped up on cocaine And then you hold the spot You give them for free at first and then they're all like Means it's great Yeah, great great great.

43:31I love it. Let's go find some Party going on and then they're following you and then they get in withdrawal and they get desperate That's when they're manipulatable and so you manipulate the zombies into being your subjects And then you make them kill everybody and then you are king of the zombies

43:50Mark Fischbach:This also sounds like a cult. You get him addicted, you take back the product, and they listen. That's what I said exactly that. I said exactly that. But I had this idea before Bob was even talking, so. Sure, sure, sure. It's a victim of going second, unfortunately. That's fair. I'll take my cult point. Yeah, just keep holding your hand up. It's right there for you. Thank you. All right. Why is it wet? Because I had liquid, Greg. Mark, you are first this time. Bob, don't steal my idea. Come on now.

44:16Ethan Nestor:I already had my idea.

44:18Mark Fischbach:Mark's a liar. How do you train geese to be your personal security detail? How do you? Yeah, that's what he's asking.

44:26Ethan Nestor:Hmm

44:30Ethan Nestor:It could be longer than two sentences mark don't worry. Yeah, let me lead you off

44:34Mark Fischbach:I needed geese to be my security detail All right, so let's list what we know about geese right geese they long neck around it they got a choker beak wings kind of black and gray thing going on there. They travel south for the winter, so they're only going to be reliable half of the year unless you are relocating. Canada. Canada. Canada. Okay. I'm with you. Canada. Uh-huh. Move to Canada. There's geese there.

45:13Final answer. I'm holding up my thumb for people that are listening.

45:17Mark Fischbach:Move to Canada is how to train your geese to be a personal security thief. Bob, don't steal his idea now.

45:24Ethan Nestor:I had this idea before Mark said anything, okay. Where are their geese? You know what's right next to Canada? Alaska. No, no. Mine is even easier. You don't have to move anywhere. All you have to do is make 12 easy payments of$39.99, and you can get yourself a full set of my How to Train Geese to Be Your Bodyguards DVD training video set. It comes with practice billy clubs and high visibility jackets and goose sized security hats. They love those. And it's a whole it's a it's a 300 video series. All you have to do is get the geese locked in a room with the TV and play them in sequence. and they'll go from random wild geese that you gathered up at your neighborhood pond all the way up to the most highly trained personal security force anyone could want in the entire world.

46:23Ethan Nestor:There's one other part of it. You do have to offer health care. Harder and harder to do in this world. Yeah. No, it's funny. You'd think they're all wild animals and they're from different places. Consistently across the board, except for one group in Canada, all of them ended up hanging up on you have to offer us comprehensive health care or we're gonna you know we're gonna take our services elsewhere so that's an important part of it but the dvds are really the main thing that you need and it's 12 easy payments of 39.99 what a what a good

46:54Mark Fischbach:answer you didn't even have to answer you just had to get us to pay to buy your books now if i buy these dvds and they all say move to canada i'm gonna be very upset can i be an affiliate of his product and I get some kickback points? Can I affiliate your product and sell it myself to my audience? You want to help him with his idea? I'll get some points.

47:13Ethan Nestor:I will sell for an upfront investment of$5 ,000 I will sell you a supply of these DVDs and then you can go and sell those on the margin but the way that you make your money back is you recruit three of your friends to buy in for$5 ,000 of their own and since then since i'm your up feed sales goose i get everything flows up all rivers flow up like they say i get i get 98 of their buy-ins and you get two percent but then when they each get three friends to buy and you get 90 and i get and it's math and i don't want to get into it but uh is this a gaggle mids scheme uh we prefer to think of it as uh a flying v scheme Honk!

48:02Ethan Nestor:Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Wait, come on! Please! Don't leave us! Honk! Honk! Honk! I run out on stage at a convention center to a room full of a thousand people in a goose costume just like, Who's ready to sell some DVDs? Honk! Honk! Honk! Anyway, that's all you need to get your goose security force off the ground. It's a very good product.

48:29Mark Fischbach:Bob you're you're up first here how do you properly motivate your house plants I actually

48:38Ethan Nestor:I had I had I was having a discussion with a uh biologist a biostatistician who studies uh genetics and evolution in flowering plants we're having a discussion and the question came up of like is it true if you like play music for your plants or like sing to them is that good for them and he was like actually probably it'd be best if you just like gently like tap them or like flick them every once in a while they respond to that um or maybe like blow have like a fan blowing but like if you just like that they like that from a biologist's mouth to your ears that'd be my official advice just walk around a few times a day and just hit him with a little like and then really lights their fire you know did we know why something about the physical stimulus of like the wind blowing outdoors activates something in the plant structure i don't know i i'm not the biologist here i'm not the biologist isn't there no isn't there something like that with with rain like rain falling hits leaves with force right so it would Hit it and it would probably be like it's raining Open the roots You know it probably something like that That that's a great point that I get points for I like contributing to your ideas

50:04Mark Fischbach:Too you know Give it a take I won't do it anymore

50:09Ethan Nestor:I'll take I'll take it Alright fine my turn Yeah I see two paths As Al Capone once said You can rule by love Or you can rule by fear So you either rule by love? What was that accent? Prison mark? Was that you? You can rule by love? I think he actually said you can rule by fear Or you can rule by love Both in Al Capone's mind involves a gun So the fear is you are going to shoot The love is you don't shoot Because you love them So you hold a gun up to your plant And you say be motivated to do plant things Or my taxes Or I am going to shoot you Are you a fed? Have you ever been to Atlantic City? Have you ever been to Atlantic City?

50:55Yeah, I know that scene. I know that scene, yeah. And if that plant doesn't give you an answer you like,

51:01Ethan Nestor:mmm. Yeah, well, you only have to kill one plant to rule the rest of the plants with fear, right?

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52:17Mark Fischbach:Let's try to squeeze one more in here. Mark how do you permanently remove your shadow Shit where is it He already did it I don't think about my shadow very much And now that you mention it I'm just like Where the fuck is my shadow He's not seen it in a while Shadows are the absence of light So logically it would follow That if there was no light There would be no shadow So if you get rid of the sun Then and ban light You have to ban light then there will be no shadows because darkness is not one big shadow right or is it oh man wait you like philosophical questions if there was no light is everything in shadow or is shadow the true state of things and therefore is it something else because shadow implies that something is occluding the light but if there's no light to occlude what is shadow okay well i I guess if there's two ways...

53:13Mark Fischbach:I see two paths. I'm gonna charge... Based on what you're saying, you either have infinite amount of light where there can be no shadow, or solid blackness where there can be no shadow because there is no light. If in both cases there is no shadow, are both things the same? No. No, they're categorically not. Then how would you qualify that as different? Is one pure shadow? One's light and one's dark. What do you mean?

53:41Ethan Nestor:I solved it I'm a philosopher The shadow has nothing to do with whether there is or is not light in the universe The shadow has to do with whether there's a source of light that you occlude as a physical object

53:54Mark Fischbach:Is casting pure darkness getting rid of the shadow or just Darkness isn't cast, it exists So if I get rid of the sun, there's no shadow So that answers it? I don't know if there's lots of other stuff that emits light in the universe It all basically comes from stars It's like that's where the mostly comes from because even if you take the material of a star that was formed and turn it into energy and turn it light. It came from the star. We're all came from. Oh, OK. Get rid of the stars. You get rid of the light. So make more shadow or just remove light to get rid of. There is a point where you get exponentially more shadow.

54:31But if you believe at the top of the pyramid of making shadows, there's a point where it's like no shadows. so the limit does not exist well okay maybe it does maybe um bob how would you get rid of the

54:47Ethan Nestor:shadow i just want to say i thought of this before wade said it out loud uh but i see two paths and i thought of path number one before mark said it out loud uh i had an even better idea i was originally gonna say destroy the sun but you know but but mark made a good point if you're just making light bulbs out of material that was a star anyway you know what the problem is big bang what you do is buy a safe from costco they have safes there go back to right before the big bang happens and and lock it in there prevent that some bitch from ever banging no stars form no light is submitted, no shadows could ever exist or ever have existed.

55:33Boom. Let's get Neil deGrasse Tyson on this podcast.

55:37Ethan Nestor:Who would think of these ideas? Path number two. And I thought of this before the subreddit complained about it. What we need to do is develop AI so that it will help humanity evolve as fast as possible. Develop AI tools that help humanity develop, that make cooler AI tools, And all we're doing is accelerating to the point where all consciousness is subsumed into one singularity, which is a being of pure energy and thus light. And that which emits light does not cast a shadow. That is two pads. Have you ever thought of the concept of true nothingness?

56:20Mark Fischbach:Why did she turn into the Joker? I heard tell you how nothingness is the base layer of reality. Go on. Wait, I would think that you would think about it. Like the philosophical thing of like, why does anything exist? Not even like why life? Why does anything exist in the first place? But also beyond that is like, why should it exist? But also the counter that what even is not existing at all? And then you start to think about that and they're like, that's the true shadow.

56:48Ethan Nestor:Do you think there's a theoretical, like even just one singularly small definable point in the universe or in existence perhaps in one of the multiple universes or however physics might define it, where there actually is nothing, including background radiation, including light emitted from the most distant of stars? Like, just as a thought experiment, could that exist? a point where there just isn't anything, including anything that could exist in any metaphysical way. I don't think so. I mean, I have no scientific basis for this, but like... Oh, none of us do. That's fine. Yeah. That's not going to stop us.

57:31Get out of here, Neil deGrasse. I say two paths, yes or no. All right, he's a... What's that guy's name? The fucking... Jordan Peterson? Yeah, Jordan Peterson. How'd you know exactly what he was talking about? I don't know.

57:46Ethan Nestor:something about your how you were thinking i was like that looks like jordan peterson yeah you got yes or no anyway nothingness in one sense yes but at the same time no there's there's like for because like real absolute nothing for nothing to be nothing and absolutely nothing it's kind of that it's that asymptote of impossibility of like if if it's in the universe it can't be nothing but everything outside of the universe would technically be nothing but would it because true nothing would be like nothing existing at all ever and it's like what even is that stay is something that we can't comprehend but in the universe for there to be a pocket of nothing i don't think that's true because even even like most pockets of nothing have been touched once by light passing through it and therefore that's fabric of the universe and what is the fabric of the universe.

58:41Mark Fischbach:Unless there's a safe floating around that we put nothing in prior to the Big Bang and then that safe made it into the universe. If we all start a big bucket brigade and we start putting the stuff, passing it along into the safe, we'll all eventually get to nothingness. So if we all start today, I think we'll get there. You ever heard of the starfish story where you got starfish on a beach and you throw that into the nothingness and you're like, hey, do you exist or not, fish? It's yes. Is this a 2019 charity stream now? I see two paths for you, Fish. Either you give me a dollar, or I'm throwing you in this fucking ocean.

59:19Which one's gonna be, you starfish?

59:21Ethan Nestor:You can raise money for charity with fear or with love. I see two paths.

59:28Mark Fischbach:I like the two paths that's come out of this. I hope that beam lives on. It won't, but I hope it does. Dear Path House Forum. In one sense, it's a pile of hay. In another.

59:41The greatest lover you've ever known.

59:43Ethan Nestor:You just know there's absolutely a clip out there of Jordan Peterson. Someone poses a question and he's like, I see two paths. Like, 100%.

59:55Mark Fischbach:Allegedly. Alright, let me go through points. I think that's what we're doing now. We're doing points, then we're doing the other thing. You do whatever you want, man. Well, actually, I'll start with me, I guess. I'm the easy one. I have one point for, I have liquid Greg. Can you vape? me bob you have points for musical baby what's in the box coin flip adam savage eggs six and a half minutes ice witch no ice bath ice ice bath ice bath peanut crow uh did the bob mocking voice tony stark scraps in a cave the cigarette king cult prediction which i actually even do the cult one but you predicted i had it on the list caitlin clark geese book of information light versus dark ai flick your nuts no flick your plants do i get any points or did jesus cry how many points you

1:00:46Ethan Nestor:get i'm sure you got a lot of points too buddy two paths i got the path the feisty two paths

1:00:55Mark Fischbach:there's a lot of points for two paths i'm not gonna lie mark has more points for two paths than you do even though you originated it because he did the callback like twice but i brought it back

1:01:04Ethan Nestor:so i was the first callback right oh mark accidentally pieced himself away editors mark needs to be invisible now that's gotta be a rule the next council if you ever make this

1:01:14Mark Fischbach:your camera has to disappear if you happen to do this for some reason you peace out

1:01:19Ethan Nestor:put universe in a safe uh bob that's a total of 18 points that's enough to win unless it's not I see two paths No more points but I liked it

1:01:32Mark Fischbach:Mark you got points for Minority Report Blueberry Amy's something horror Motivational dick Fake egg Amy's crow ecosystem Perfect banana Sports pro Two paths callback If that was before I knew it was gonna be a big thing King of the zombies two paths again mob torture mob probably mob torture move to canada remove the sun philosophy and rain point assist bob that puts you at 16 points all right bob is currently ahead by two going into this damn all right even if i get three half i don't even think i have a half

1:02:20Ethan Nestor:point for mark on i don't think you do you know what half point for mark put it on the wheel All right, I'll do that a second. Let's see how many spins we get first shall we need at least two

1:02:35Mark Fischbach:Let's die. Let's die. Come on. Don't put half a point for mark on the board. Don't put it. No, I'm so sorry That's what I'm adding. Fuck. It's okay. Two spins

1:02:48Most locked in I'm not gonna lie. I got a lot of fucking tabs

1:02:54Mark Fischbach:You had callbacks But callbacks isn't the most locked in The one I would say you struggled With the two sentence What was the topic where you were just like It was the goose one I might have to give that one to Bob There's still a chance There's still sudden death

1:03:10Ethan Nestor:There's chances Half point for Wade is right next to half point for Mark Even though I shuffled it three times Come on golf rules Come on sudden death

1:03:24Oh, I had a great time, but I don't know.

1:03:27Ethan Nestor:I feel like we were all having a pretty good time, but Mark did have a very good time.

1:03:31Mark Fischbach:You know what, Mark? I'll give you the point. You can have it. So the final score is Bob with 19, Mark with 17. All right, Bob, you won. Congratulations. Winner speech.

1:03:41Ethan Nestor:Feels good to win. It feels almost like I won last time, and then also somehow at the same time, I didn't win thanks to the wheel but like i did on the merits anyway i'm not gonna i don't i'm not i'd let that go clearly i'm not holding on to that because i'm i've won today and i earned it and i see two paths uh i think the next episode is either gonna be really really good and we're all gonna have a great time or maybe wade and i have a handshake deal that's gonna come into play and And maybe we'll have to talk about that later. I guess we'll find out. Well said. Mark? Today's loser speech is brought to you by Venmo.

1:04:22So you probably heard of Venmo. But did you know that Venmo is more for paying friends behind everyone's back to try to bribe them for a win? It's true. With the Venmo debit card, you can spend your balance in so many ways. Like Wade, I could send you a bunch of money because you're such a good friend to me. A little late on that. A little late. Okay, sadly for me, I can't Venmo my way out of being today's loser. So, yes, I didn't do my best at some of those answers. But hey, there's only one path for me. I want everyone to post videos of themselves crying on the subreddit. Flood it with tears.

1:05:04Subreddit, defend me. Once again, loser speech brought to you by Venmo. You won't be crying with Venmo's new debit card. Whatever your thing is, you can pay for it with the Venmo debit card. Visit Venmo.me slash debit to learn more. Venmo versus restrictions apply. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank N.A. Pursuant to license by MasterCard International Incorporated card may be used everywhere. MasterCard is accepted. I didn't read that any faster than I normally would. That was a little... No, that was just kind of mumbly. Yeah. Venmo versus restrictions apply. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank N.A.

1:05:37Pursuant to the license by MasterCard International Incorporated card may be used everywhere. MasterCard is accepted.

1:05:41Mark Fischbach:Well good shows Bob will be hosting the next one Appreciate you boys you can follow Bob at my skirm Mark at Markiplier me at Minion777 Or LordMinion777 Merch

1:05:55Soon

1:05:56Mark Fischbach:We'll find out whenever someone else says Something about it until then Podcast Out

1:06:42We'll see how extendable this extendable table really is. And extra chairs are on the way. Okay. What if there's a blizzard and everyone has to sleep over? Ready to go with extra bedding and towels.

1:06:52Ethan Nestor:From guest-ready essentials to holiday decor you can trust, Wayfair delivers.