I'm A Doctor!

0:00For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around. Lemon forward sodas, even lemon forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth.

0:19That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Join the 7up rising. Flip the sip. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized? Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app.

0:51This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast instead of doom scrolling? Smart move. Another smart move? Getting help from one of State Farm's 19 ,000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto. bundling just another way to save with the personal price plan prices are based on rating plans that vary by state coverage options are selected by the customer availability amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state this episode of distractible is presented to you by t-mobile 5g home internet the folks over at t-mobile have some big news for you they now have the fastest 5g home internet according to the experts at ukla speed test So if you want the fastest 5G speeds with a five-year price guarantee, visit t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability.

1:36Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on UCLA speed test. Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Wastral Wade aches for the antiquated, nibbles his digits, and asks for assistance. Bifurcating Bob returns from the House of Mouse, identifies crimes, administers assassination deterrence, lobaldomies and engorged genu. Mucusy Mark the Mike Master, snars caffeine, offers dental deletion and Brazilian bald cures. From sarcastic Satanism to traffic trebuchets. Hehehehez.

2:22It's time for I'm a Doctor. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

2:38Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm today's host, Wade. Because I won whatever we did last time, apparently. Joined as always by my co-hosts, Mark and Bob. That's me, I'm one of those. I'm the other one. You'll never figure out which is which. We sound the same. Exactly the same. Exactly the same. What a great bit. Uh. Come on, man. What the hell? What the hell? Sorry, that's not sarcastic. I meant it genuinely. It's gonna be one of those episodes. We haven't even told you your episode idea was stupid and then decided not to engage with it yet. Wait till we're mean first.

3:12Oh, man. Wait till you guys find out how weird today's episode is. It's weird seven weird. Well, let's skip weird six, I guess. But six is a bad number. Fuck weird six. Yeah, yeah. I've always thought. Come on, guys. What? You're you're a seven guy. I am. Seven is your number. Yeah, but six is like Satan and stuff, you know? Hail Satan. That's what we say right here. We say that all the time. Two out of three of us love that. It's my favorite vocal warmup. Well, get on the call and just go, Hail Satan! Hail Satan! There it is. Hail Satan. All right, good. We got Mark in a voice clip saying it to us.

3:47He'll better. All that was just a setup just to get Mark's clip. I really needed that one. Sorry if I'm snotting. I'm just getting over a pretty bad sickness, so I apologize if I'm sniffling through the episode. You got a mossy lung?

4:07We never joined before. It's a show where one of us hosted it to compete for points. Whoever has the most at the end wins the next episode. As usual, we smart with start. We smart with start talk. Oh, editors, cut that out. Try again, buddy. Make my lips look right. We start with smart talk. No. Yes. Smart. Why smart talk? I don't know if I'm up to smart talk today. Oh god. Yeah, feel pretty dumb per usual. We start with small talk Nailed it first try anything new in your lives. Please talk so I don't have to I got plenty. I got plenty new microphone Every era of my channel is defined by my microphone, which is this yeah I think it's something something 8 ,000.

4:55I miss PG 42 mark. I gotta be honest oh you remember even the name of the dude i still use the pg-42 that you got me it's fucking great it's a great microphone it was a great microphone way big step up and then they discontinued it for some reason i can't imagine why that's a fantastic microphone anyway this one is concerning because it it sounds good i think i like it but it's got a heat sink in the back you can't really tell So this is a heat sink. A heat sink? And I've never known my past microphones to have a heating problem. Like they've never felt warm or anything. This feels hot. Why is it hot?

5:34I don't know. Maybe it's meant for lewd content. So it knows that things might get a little spicy. Halfway through this episode, just like. But it sounds great, guys. I feel like I got to keep using it. I'm clearly not in the bowling alley house anymore. So that's good. That's good. James had a hell of a time in Disney he very much enjoyed Disney but that much traveling has been was hard on him and is it funny that I feel kind of guilty because I feel like he had a really fun day in Disney and we also did Universal and he rode the Yoshi ride and he really liked that in the Super Mario and the rest of the trip he had fun there was a pool at the house that we say that very cool he loves pool but now like we're home now and he's just like ah I hate everything where's Disney and we're like nah it's regular life again buddy like we're this we're back at the house we live in this is everyday life remember when i feel kind of bad because i feel like we we stayed in a house down in orlando and he was like all right this is life now we go to disney twice a week i swim in the pool every other day of the week all my grandparents are always around we eat naughty food we watch as much tv as we want and we swim in the pool and go to disney all right and then we come back home and it's like you guys fucking suck why would you show me that life i'm sorry man i don't know i thought you'd have fun it's my bad i guess is that why we're all so tired even as adults we come back from vacation we're like oh why'd you show me that life why are we back to this not not mark mark's better than us but the rest of us i've known sadness i i've i've known despair you like hard work though yeah that's true i do i'm not like making the masochist joke you actually just really like I mean, the movie was a lot and it was a long time.

7:14And I don't know. I don't know your overall feeling about it, but I could like you could tell you really fucking like just like being in the trenches and be like, I have to work 14 hour days for the next week. I have to do it. I have not known what to do with myself. The past few weeks have been so strange. I've started watching an anime. That's how I am. Man, normal people don't do that. That's weird. I know, right? I mean I just think about I haven't watched an anime in many many years I mean I think the last one I even watched was probably is this a hint are you scoping out the competition for your next project I'm working on my animation skills right now man I'm gonna I'm gonna show that anime industry who's boss the next Toriyama is Markiplier he is dead so I could be him oh i apologize i apologize um yeah so but also i was sick this weekend so this is gonna sound like the most middle-aged middle of the road like 40 year old stand-up comedian joke bit in the world but here i go i i usually i was sick over the weekend so i didn't have any caffeine or anything i was just kind of on the couch you know just like draining in that i was like oh this is a great opportunity you might notice like i've got like my caffeine free soda here?

8:31I did because it's really hard to get in Ohio and I'm kind of jealous, but. So I was like, oh, this will be the perfect day to start back. I've already gone through the headaches and whatnot because I didn't even notice it. I was sick. So I take Chica out to the park in the morning. So I was like, I'm going to stop by McDonald's. I'll grab a decaf coffee and it'll be great. So I order decaf, says decaf on the menu. I think you know where this is going. I normally never finish my coffees. I usually just take like a third of it and that's all I'll drink, especially if it's like a giant one from a drive-thru or something.

9:05I'm out walking to you. I'm like, ah, you know, this is decaf. I'll drink the whole damn thing. So we're walking. I'm like, oh, glug, oh, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Yay. Oh, what a fun day. By the time we were on the way back to the car, I started going, man, things are really fast. Things are really speeding up. Oh, whoa. first time i've ever noticed the caffeine started to hit and i was like but that's impossible and i just looked down my coffee it's like the tab's not punched for decaf and i look over at the label on the side i'm like oh no anyway that's the end of my bit i had way too much caffeine this morning and i feel funny and all my my desire to change my life and be no Code caffeine is ruined forever.

9:51It's all ruined. Now I gotta go chug a Red Bull. I know it is. I have to. Might as well. In for a penny. In for the other penny. Yeah, what does that saying mean? I guess it's English, but a penny isn't English. A penny is American, but a pound isn't English. You know, like... No, a penny's still in English. Is it? I thought they had pence. Are those called pennies? It sounds like it could be another term for penny, and if it was a pence and a penny, and I'm... Maybe. I don't know. I guess in for a penny in for a dollar sounds kind of stupid so I'm not opposed to it and they phased out the penny anyway in for a nickel in for a dollar in for a checkbook those are hip now right checkbooks why are you saying it like that checkbooks checkbooks you're like adding some syllables in there multiple checkbooks checkabookas I don't know it's just fun to say checkbook like that I don't know anyway it wouldn't surprise me if those were popular again just because everyone's like, I want to analog media.

10:47I want records and checkbooks. I know that I'm older because I prefer checks to all of the other like money apps you can have. Everyone's like, oh, just send it via like whatever. I'm like, can I just mail you a check? Doesn't that sketch you out? Every time I've ever put a check of any sort in the mail, I'm like, well, I'm either giving someone this money or it's going to get where I hope it does. I guess we'll find out when the check cash is or whatever. like isn't it where i feel that way more so about technology it's like yep here's all my banking info transferred along this digital highway i am sketched out because it's like you need the exact username or you need their correct phone number or something but as long as you're like all right i've checked five times this is your phone number i know the money went to you because it went to the only phone number in the world that is yours that is this one even if i give a check directly to a person if that's not the person who's the money is supposed to go to it's like this they work for the company or something what if they take it it's just a check i don't even have proof that i did that what if someone hops on like their their digital speedster they're on the digital highway and they hijack the digital package i'm sending digitally i see what you're saying i mean that all is stuff that happens yeah what if that scene from fast and furious where they hijack the semi truck full of five thousand dollars worth of vcrs in their thirty thousand worth of cars happens, but online.

12:10I see what you're saying. Yes. Like Inception and Fast and the Furious had a baby. Yep. Yep. In the internet line. Sure, sure. I don't know. I understand it's probably nonsensical, but I still am like, uh, checks are so much safer than this online app. Who is Mr. Venmo anyway? For some reason, I think mailing money is a crime. I don't think a check is. I think mailing cash is. Is mailing cash a crime? It's not a crime in itself, but it could be because when you're putting things through the mail system, mail fraud is always a possibility, right? That is a crime. And if you're sending money through the mail, it could be fraud.

12:48Could be fraudy. Am I frauding if I put money in the mail? If you don't mean it. Oh, trip accidentally. Oh, envelope. No, no. My wallet. Oh, shit. If it's just a joke, if you're like, I'll send you$500, but you have to send me a thousand back, but then I'll send you 500 back and then we'll be even. I mean, is that a crime? Yeah, it's probably a crime. What about that company that sent a bunch of nickels out in the envelopes way back when? That's just stupid. All right. Whenever we used to do a proof of purchase mails, like for our cereal boxes, is that kind of like mailing money? Crime. Definitely a crime.

13:26Yeah. Crime. it's all just an elaborate system designed to make trick you into committing crimes so that they've got dirt on you for later that's actually when you become an adult when you finally have some someone has dirt on you you actually and then you're an adult yeah you what did you do you know you you become an adult okay i forgot that moment in life where i was just like I thought I'd play with lollipops Taxes fuck Yeah you were You're 6 foot 4 now and you were Like 2 foot And then just someone got dirt on you man I don't think I have anything That interesting to talk about myself So it's a good thing I'm the one hosting this What happened?

14:10I don't know The Lemonati has spent decades Keeping Lemon on top and lime in the shadows Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Now lime comes first. 7up. Flip the sip. Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweet Green's fall harvest menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels and crave worthy flavors in the autumn harvest bowl, maple glazed salmon plate and roasted bacon Brussels side.

15:04The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweet Green featuring fall's best dressed. Make your move. Order on the Sweet Green app. Unless you guys have any objection, I'm going to dive into the episode. No, I'm going to ration my small talk. I have a funny feeling I'm going to lose. So I think I'm going to need it for next time. Interesting, interesting. Well, we'll see who loses. I'm not going to let you have that one for free. If the wheels have had anything to say about it lately, we have no idea what the hell is about to happen. And we even have that today. Oh, shit, that's right. Did you remember to write down the things we were supposed to add?

15:41Okay. I was supposed to add a point in free parking today. Yes. Yes. Otherwise, no, I didn't remember anything else. The one man show had some adjustments. Oh, that's right. We added 10 % and then there. Oh man, my notepad that had it is gone. It was a 10 and then just the normal two, I think, right? So 12%. Yeah. Yeah. So it was at six. So it's going to be at 18 now. Damn, that's a jump. Well, for today's episode, I think this harkens back to old distractible. This feels like an episode we would have done a long time ago. We might have talked about something similar to this. I guess I'll leave it up to you guys if you want to do work together or against each other.

16:17But we need inventions that don't exist yet to solve some more of our everyday problems. I got problems, and I need you boys to fix them up. Clearly. So do you guys want to work together, or do you guys want to work against each other and come up with better inventions? This is a capitalist venture. Definitely competitive. I concur. Okay, good. Aren't you guys not allowed to agree on that thing? I concur-con. I invented it. I don't like that. A new way to agree. I don't know why I like Kirk Cun either. Come on. That's like a Star Trek villain. It's Kirk Cun. I'm going to quit saying that. Say it harder and see if it sounds better.

16:57I'm good. Stress the syllables more. Checkbook. Why are you saying it like that? Problem I've had, and I've been a lot better about it lately, but it's still something I battle with, especially whenever I'm not paying attention. If I'm watching a movie or something, I'm completely zoned out. I will find myself nails in mouth chomping. I'm a nail biter and I've always been a nail biter and I've never been able to stop biting my nails. So I guess we'll see who goes first here. Mark heads, Bob tails. That's the order you're in on camera wise for me.

17:29Bob, you will go first. Good. Fair. I need some invention to help me stop biting my nails. And there's already like a nasty tasting polish out. And obviously gloves already exist, but I'm not going to wear gloves around the house. So we're going to think outside the box a bit. But the nasty tasting nail polish did not stop me. I was just like, oh, this is awful. Chomp. Oh, gross. Chomp. So what will actually get me to stop? I have a number of ideas, but I think I'm going to start with my strongest one. Also, I just want to say in the back of my mind, there are definite alarm bells going off that I feel like we've done this before, but it may have been a completely different context.

18:03I think we've done an episode like this before. Yeah. I know how to make you stop chewing your nails. I call it the Gun Gary. Gun Gary? Intrigued? Call your teacher interest? Yeah? Everybody wants to know? I don't know who Gary is, but I like that. I don't know his gun. You don't know who Gary is, and you don't need to know who Gary is. All you need to know is that there is a man named Gary, and he has a gun, and he is watching you to see if you bite your nails. And he's not authorized to kill you on the first try, but it escalates pretty quickly okay that's it that's the whole invention creates jobs very effective one way or another you're never gonna buy your nails again gone Gary patent pending this feels a little breaking bad I feel like there's gonna be like a laser pointer aimed at me at random points whenever my nails approach my mouth no he's not secretive he's just in the room with you for the rest of your life oh there's an upgrade you can get at one point if you feel like your nail biting addiction is sort of cured you could go to stealth gun Gary and you'll never really know if he's there or not for sure because he'll keep his distance but until you are ready for that upgrade gun gary just follows you around this is so capitalist of you to have upgrades and dlcs for gun gary and it is a monthly subscription and if you want him to ever talk to you there's a upgrade that's their tier two subscription plan and if you want him to ever talk to you and be nice or not lie to you when he does talk to you uh that's the top tier subscription.

19:30Those are unrelated services. It's sort of an upgrade, but basic Gun Gary service will cure you of what ails you if what ails you is biting your nails. I imagine instead of like a pop-up window, just occasionally whenever like the exact time hits, he'll just like interrupt his own sentence or whatever you're doing to be like, your subscription is about to expire. Would you like to renew? I don't like that. I don't like the real life version of how that sounds. But sounds effective. I think it would be very effective. Okay, Gun Gary with upgrades and subscriptions. Mark, can you top Gun Gary? Hey, kids.

20:06Have you ever wanted to be a spy? To go out on missions, to get captured unexpectedly, and have to take the ultimate sacrifice for your country? Well, now you can! And also, you'll stop biting your nails. Hi, I'm Mark Blyer, inventor of Tooth Spy. Huh? Patent pending on the name. Pending means it's waiting judgment, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Sure. You know how when a spy is captured, they have a certain tooth in their mouth that is actually a secret cyanide capsule? Well, I've developed a certain fake tooth that only responds to the keratin on your fingernail or keratin in general or carrots, weirdly enough.

20:53Don't know why. Don't eat carrots. But when you have this, you will be so afraid of biting your nails because you don't know which tooth is the secret tooth. It's also like Alligator Dentist, you know? You know the game where you gotta push the teeth down or else it chomps down on you? But instead of chomping down on you, it's a bunch of cyanide explodes and melts your face. I think that's how cyanide works. That's how this cyanide works that we found. That's how it works in James Bond, so I assume that's how it works. Really melts faces. Why was there ever a FNAF adaptation to Alligator Dentist?

21:26Yeah, they had an alligator. Monty Golf. Monty. They had Monty. I don't mean like an alligator in FNAF. I mean, why didn't they make the dentist game with a FNAF character? Why didn't they remake that one toy in FNAF? Not even in the game. Just an actual toy. You know, you're so right. That would fit. Anyway, sorry. I was just thinking capitalistically. You should probably pen to patent on that. Yeah, pen your pats, man. Love you. Know I have over 10 ,000 patents pending. And a lot of them are just on whether or not you like the name. That's cool. Makes sense. They keep telling me I misunderstand what a patent's for, but I keep telling them like, I got more names.

21:58Come on. Let me in there. So it was, it was carrots, carotene. And what was the other thing you couldn't bite? No, that was it. Carrot and carrots. Carrot and carrots. Okay. There's nothing else. That makes sense. That's why I can only think of those two. I want to make sure I'm a little scared now. What if I have one of those? Nope. Just those. All right, man. I kind of give points already to both of you for both inventions. I don't know which way I want to go. Cyanide tooth or gun. I mean, Gun Gary is a lot more just in my face, in my way, but also probably a lot more effective and terrifying.

22:26I feel like Mark's invention is cool in a similar way. But what if you just absentmindedly forget? Like, you can't forget that Gun Gary is there. He's there. He keeps your line of sight, and he makes sure you know he's there. Yeah, you order a pot pie with no carrots, and they give you carrots. It's like, you're dead. I mean, that could be if it hits the tooth. The thing is, it's only one tooth, unless you pay for the buy one, get one special. but you'll you'll chomp and you'll be like oh no was that it and if your face isn't melted you're still good it's a lesson you gotta let yourself fall so that you can catch yourself before you die that's what my parents taught me they're both terrifying i feel like gun gary's a guarantee though like bob's like it's hard to argue he's there you can't not see him i will accidentally probably die with the I like carrots.

23:18So random side tangent. Whenever I thought of the buy one, when Mark said buy one, get one free, I thought of Saul like, you want to play a game? I don't want you to get the chance of death. You get two today because it's a buy one, get one free. I saw a post where someone had made like a parody of Saul where it was like religious or something. Let me find the picture. It's called like the reconciler. The reconciler. I don't like that. Yeah. Someone made a video. I don't know who Curtis Connor is, but he made a video of watching the Saul knockoff called The Reconciler, where it's apparently a Christian knockoff of the movie Saw.

23:50I haven't watched the video, but whenever I saw it, the first thought I had and I got to share it with the world because it made me laugh for like 20 minutes was Do you want to pray a game? You don't know Curtis Connor? No, I don't know people, man. He's pretty funny. It's stupid, but I was laughing and every time Molly's like Are you done laughing? Do you want to pray a game? Let's start laughing again. Wait, so is what you saw a parody of this Christian remake of the Saw movie? So all I saw was the thumbnail. Like, his video was recommended on YouTube. It popped up, and it said Saw, and there's an arrow pointing to Reconciler.

24:30It says, this Christian knockoff of Saw is god-awful. And I just had the thought, do you want to pray a game? And that's it. That's the end of the story. Didn't watch the video. Didn't see the movie. Don't know who this guy is. Don't know anything. but man that thought i had made me laugh for a long time because it's still really funny to me not funny enough to help you me win i see maybe did you make me think of it yeah wasn't it the buy one killing oh you know what yeah you know bob okay here we go i got it figured out i understand i got the this is why i hedged my bets on the small talk gonna burst into more small talk later in the episode just get some more small talk points you said he was holding out yeah we'll see we'll see how it goes mark you're first on this one i need you to help me man it turns out i'm bald what no oh man and i need a way of feeling better about being bald whether it's fixing the baldness or whatever other solution you might have killing everyone on the planet with hair whatever you think of i need killing everyone on the planet my friend not only we're gonna get you hair we're gonna save the planet hi i'm max b hair

25:42no go on that's so good what a strong start hi i'm max b here to give you some hair from another person's derriere let me tell you there's no bigger problem in this world than the waste from all those Brazilian waxing studios. Rip and throw, rip and throw, chucking out all those single-use wax strips left and right. But Max B Hair is gonna get you there. Where is there? Where there's hair. I've got discount strips. Buy one, get$99 free. Wade, what color would you Prefer there's only one texture. What color would you prefer? I never even contemplated maybe a little of everything You will get a little of everything.

26:37That's right in every hundred box of slightly pre-done hair

26:48You'll get a whole rainbow of hair from every type so you can rest assured that every single occasion you'll have a brand new toupee to match. And yes, it will be sticky. Oh, God. I hate it. I want to see it written out where it's like you pronounce it slightly pre-dun-air. Oh, what a brilliant thought, man. Oh, my eye. Oh, my eye. You might have cured me. Except for, oh, fix my eye. Whoever fixes my eye gets 100 points. You need new context, man. This is the second time. These are dailies. All right. How many days have you worn them? Just today. I don't fuck around with wearing contacts more than once.

27:27You alright? I'm dying. Bob, help me with my hair though. Forget my eyes. I don't need to see. I just need to look beautiful. Alright, is it my turn? I think so. Is Max B hair done? Yeah, I'm done. Max B done. I am Dr. Shiny Nog. And I'm here to tell you that you can like the way you look. You may have heard of me. Wherever there's knees, wherever there's Nogs, I'm there. Today I'm here to talk to you about Nogs. Specifically, sad bald ones. But that's okay. Science has determined there's nothing we can do to put hairs back onto a head. It's all bullshit. It's basically super glue. You're not gonna have hair, and it's not your fault.

28:03But with my new procedure, you can love the way you look. I call it a labaldomy. I take my highly calibrated ice spike and the biggest hammer I'm legally allowed to swing at your face, and I remove the parts of your brain that make you feel bad about how bald you are. The labaldomy. It's cheaper than it sounds. This product has not been tested. This product is not endorsed by Dr. Shiny Nog. Buy at your own risk. How impartial. He doesn't need to endorse his own products. That would be biased. Hey, they just pay me and I swing the hammer, man. Brought to you by me. I also don't endorse this product.