Nah, I'd Lose

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1:20Demolish your environment for strategic advantage Harness complete control over every action and movement Every aspect of Battlefield's core gameplay has been honed to feel more fluid, responsive, and immersive than ever before And with more maps, modes, and ways to rally your squad Battlefield 6 is the ultimate all-out warfare experience Available now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X, and S, and PC Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers and welcome to Distractable. This episode. Messianic Mark defies dehydration, then makes magical masochistic moments. World's dad Wade watches fishy puss cook, tongues a huge shaft, and summons fiery rings.

2:07Bonnie Bob bonds with his brave boy, gances a legendary gobble, enrolls in the endless, sings ragtime, and shoots shotguns. From a good hook to salacious swine. Yes! It's time for... Nah, I'd lose. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

2:38Hello and welcome back to Distractable, the show that definitely is not ending. I don't care what the rumors say. We're gonna be here for the rest of whenever we're here for and nothing's gonna stop us right guys One of those two things is true one of them I won't tell you which one I will but later at the end of the episode you'll have to listen to find out no skipping Oh, that's a hook. Yeah, I'll put the reason or which one was true at some random point in this video I'm Mark also known as Markiplier and I'm joined today by Bob and Wade also known as my skirm and Lord minion 777 That's us. I don't know I threatened everyone with a pin, but that's us I didn't feel very threatened.

3:24That was like high school basketball coach levels of threatening right there Well, I mean I felt pretty threatened so might as well write something down You we all know Wade's not gonna get any more points than that Yeah, you gotta really hunt for reasons to give Wade points. We all know how this works But how are you guys about to say man doing pretty well life's good eating good Well, I went to so oh here new passion moment. I know nothing about cooking I'm, not a cook. I'm not I don't make a lot of food. I think I could do it But i'm a perfectionist that would drive me nuts if I ever leave cincinnati I need to meet the owner of soto and see if he will let me franchise it somewhere else because I can't live without it I've gotten to the point now where I can't live without it.

4:04So I will open my own soto I don't think they do franchises of fine dining establishments. They need to for this one, because I can't leave it. I can't quit it. Here's the thing. I was in Cincinnati for an occasion. I won't say we. Details? Yeah, I'm giving details right now. Amy and I, we went to Soto, because I had heard so much from you, and Amy knew that Soto actually had a restaurant in L.A. at one point, and they couldn't make it in LA. So that one closed down and then they moved to Cincinnati. Now, I don't know if that was COVID related. It could have entirely been. The food that we had at Soto was some of the best Italian food I've ever had.

4:49And I've gone to fancy schmancy Italian places that I don't usually like goat cheese, but that goat cheese on the bread and the toast. Oh, it was amazing. Whatever the heck I had, the pappardelle with meat was unbelievable. Well, every bite was delicious. I can say for certain weight is not exaggerating about well, okay He might be he might be over selling it just a little bit, but it is really good It is very good and I enjoyed my meal and it was you know Of all the the high-end places I've gone to usually the high-end Italian places and I haven't gone Many high-end places, but I've been lucky enough to go to a few All the Italian places have not been to my liking because the portion sizes were way too small And it wasn't really good I would have rather gone to Olive Garden And I know sometimes I have very simple taste But soda was very good And the prices weren't as exorbitant as I thought they would be Nah, it's Cincinnati expensive, which is California cheap Yep, you know it And Michael Douglas approved I do not speak for Michael Douglas Why did you pick Michael Douglas then?

5:51That's always the name I go to, I don't know You could have picked anyone and you picked Michael Douglas? His name lives rent free in my head It's okay, Michael Douglas is a fine pick He's fine, I'm not saying you shouldn't pick But like, of all the celebrities that exist That's just top of mind for you is crazy. He's not exactly showing up in a lot of stuff right now. Him and Christopher Walken, go-to names in my mind. Actually, I don't even recall you ever mentioning Michael Douglas in the past. Oh, I do. Maybe not with you, but I do mention him. Well, we've talked pretty much consistently weekly for the past seven years or so.

6:24I can't recall. Bob, do you remember him ever saying Michael Douglas? I don't have a specific memory. Viewers and listeners go back and find any references I've made of Michael Douglas I feel like maybe once before he has maybe referenced Michael Douglas But not like it doesn't stand out to me as much as he makes it seem like it should My references would not stand out Michael Douglas probably stand out my references do not What was it just that you like soda was that your your update? Yeah, we went there the other night again. It was amazing. We actually had a different seat I didn't know they had like a bar style seat, but there were like four stool seats at like the bar right across where they make all the meat.

7:02And they gave us. Wait, they make the meat. They pull the meat out of the meat hole. What do you mean? Were they like where they cut it up, cook it. I watched them prepare the meat. He doesn't know what a kitchen's called, Mark. Well, no, but like this guy. The kitchen is kind of like divided. They have the meat side and like the pasta side. It's all kitchen, man. All the pastas were being made at this other end. And then there was a dude that every few minutes would yell, hands! And it took me a long time to figure out what he was yelling hands for. I was like, did everyone put their hands? Like, what do you do with hands?

7:35Move your hands so I can inspect. No, hands just meant someone who comes and gets the food to take it to the tables. Took me a long time to figure that one out. That's weird. They don't yell service? That was hands. Gordon Ramsay never said hands. I think they yelled hands at Soto. Did they say anything at Ichiban when the food was ready? no it wasn't that fancy of a place they put the food in the window the waiters got the food out of the window there was some communication but generally no yeah i thought there was a show being filmed because i was like oh they're inspecting to see how they're like they're on a timer hands it's like did they pass and then someone would just come and grab food and leave i was like okay no it's when it's when the whole staff goes Ah the food!

8:16Yes, man. Hands! Yes, chef! Two, three, four! It's a whole number in the kitchen! But I watched them prepare and cook steak, octopus I'm pretty sure, there's a sea bass, different kind of like toasted breads and stuff they would toss on the grill for a moment. I watched a lot of foods get prepared, and when you're hungry, It's not like their food takes forever to come out Because it doesn't But when you're hungry and you're sitting there watching Just steak get cooked and pasta go right past you Even for a few minutes Man does that amp up the like I need my food now I was very very hungry by the time my capelacci came out You see most people when they go to a restaurant They like seeing their food prepared Face weighed away I wanted so I was like I don't even want this fish But I want this fish right now Give it to me Oh that's great I'm glad If I ever leave Cincinnati Mr.

9:14Soto Call me so I can We can franchise you Forget the movie theater we can own a Soto Have you Ever had a food service job I'm going to kidnap their manager and make him My manager so this Soto Is going to fail they'll just promote They'll promote Wade doesn't care what kind Of trail of devastation he leaves as long As what he needs comes where he Is he does not care about anything Else you're going to go far in this business, baby. This is a cut pasta business. Cut throat? No, this is a... Cut goat cheese business? Yes, there is a goat cheese bread. It was very good. I've also been to this restaurant.

9:53That was more for other people, not for you. I knew you... Mark mentioned the goat cheese bread. That was a reference to Mark. Yeah, that was actually one of the things I said. He said that. He said, oh, the goat cheese on the toast. So, all right, well. You'll lose a point. I listen to you, Mark. I hear you. I don't... I'm not afraid to say it. Bold point worthy even maybe one might say Bold to declare you should get a point That's bold Well I've already deducted one And I don't want to be rude He wasn't listening to me And Bob you got that point So it went to you That's a two points way It's a bold strategy Cotton let's see if it pays off And Bob hasn't even gotten to his small talk So that's really changed things up Alright Bob go ahead let's see you piss off Mark Yeah make me mad I saw a turkey.

10:40I hate turkeys. That was so big that nobody believed that it was a turkey until they inspected it for themselves. Took James to a fall festival, like a farm. Like, right? You know, it's a big Midwest thing. It's like, oh, it's fall. Let's do a corn maze and go in the pumpkin patch and we'll have like activities and stuff. And we went to this place. It was really fun. They had a bunch of cool play sets. The first moment we were there, I did have made a parenting mistake. They had this big thing that was just like a big hill and you could run. It was sort of like a hill where you were supposed to clearly run from one side to the other.

11:18And there was like a path, but then the sides were very steep. You were not supposed to go up or down the sides. You were supposed to go over the path like it. And James started going up that. And I was like, oh, that'd be a good picture. Because I was like, I'm trying to take pictures. We're doing this fun thing with James. I want pictures of James. and so I was like he won't be fucking crazy for 30 seconds I can let him run up down this hill really quick so I let him go and I'm like I'm just gonna go around and take a picture and I like have my phone out about to take a picture he's on the very top of the hill and he looks down at me and he just goes yeah and tries to like run down the steepest fucking it took like two steps and then just piled at the bottom and it's it's busy this is right by the entrance so there's a there's a bunch of other people doing the hill and people and just at in the middle of all that james is just fucking eating so much just i just i put my phone away going to go and pick him up and he's like i'm okay let's do this stuff like because he doesn't want to like go home me he was it was fine but it was so i was like he can do this right did you get any of it like a photo collage of god i fucking i wish i didn't even get all the way to like i was like trying to get the camera open and i was like huh no and then just anyway it's very fun but they had animals there and goats and sheep and and dogs and chickens and stuff they had one turkey and i swear to fucking god this must have been like a 70 pound turkey it was so big from a distance all you heard was someone being like that's a turkey that can't be a turkey oh my god that is a turkey and like every next person it was like that's no that must be something and we went over there and And like, even I, having heard all dozens of people, all be like, that can't be a turkey.

13:23And we walked over there and James walked up and was like, oh, turkey. And I was like, wow, holy fuck. That's the biggest turkey I've ever seen. You know what? All those people were totally justified in how amazed they were at this turkey. You know the saying, if you have to ask, it's a chicken. If it's a turkey, you will know. But like in when we lived out in the Bay Area, there were lots of turkeys. Listen, I've seen lots of turkeys. I'm familiar with turkeys. Literally, when we were moving into our house out in the Bay Area, a group of turkeys just like wandered through our front yard. They were around.

13:59And this turkey was easily three times as big as any turkey I ever saw in California. Did you know a group of turkeys is called a rafter? I did not know that. I did not know that. Well, who coined that term? Yeah, whoever named all the groups is really bad at their job. A group of turkeys is either referred to as a rafter or a flock. Well, I would go with flock. I feel like flock is at the top of that list. I would think so too, but rafter was the first thing. Rafter. A flock or a rafter. Definitely not a gaggle. I know what you're saying about the turkey, Mark, because generally it is true, but this turkey defied all turkey reason.

14:40James thought it was real cool, and I did get a picture, And he didn't even fall down a huge hill or hurt himself while I was taking the turkey picture. So that was pretty fun. That's nice. The biggest turkey on record was in 1989. His name was Tyson and he was an 86 pound turkey. That was a company's named Tyson. That's why they're famous for chicken. A turkey started his own company and was like, kill those other birds. Not my people. We sell chicken nuggets, not turkey meat. Butterball thinks they're going to get us. But I started Tyson to show him Butterballs run by just a bunch of chickens Walk into the office Just a turkey with a big cigar Sitting behind the desk But all the other employees are human It's not all turkeys It's just the one turkey in charge of a bunch of human employees It's funny I want to point at something in your story here Back when you were talking about James Falling And Mark asked if you got the video of the tumble You said I wish That's what happened to me with Molly In hindsight I wish I'd gotten that photo Nah, nah, nah, nah I knew that was going to come up I knew that was going to come up This was a specific instance where I was like, I would like a picture of my child because I never take pictures of him.

15:48People are always like, oh, well, you have any new pictures of James? He's growing up so fast. And I'm always like, ooh, I have a picture from like a year and a half ago. Is that cool? When he was like a baby who couldn't walk. Do you want to see that? Or I was literally like, I need pictures of him. No, I get that. The photo you took was fine. But you did say you wish you'd gotten the video of him tumbling. If it had just been a thing and he had just fallen and I wasn't trying to take the picture, I wouldn't now be like, I wish I'd got it on camera though. I'd be like, I can't believe he didn't fucking break his arm.

16:20He fell down a whole hill. And it's kind of worked out. I gotta say, I've thought about it. If I had been up at the top of the hill with him and he just went, I'm not sure what I would have done. Cause I think my instinct might've been to be like, whoa. And but then I would have just fallen down the same hill because really steep. And then if you were both okay hoping it would be I would have in hindsight wished I'd gotten that on video I wouldn't I wouldn't hope that I would never think that I typically am not the person to go to but Yamcha pose on trash in hindsight was really funny and Baby tumbling when baby ends up.

16:55Okay. Also kind of funny. All right laughing at babies It's more scary than funny. I've never lived with as much fear as I do now that any moment James is in imminent peril I don't really give a shit if I get hurt that much Like in cars I've always liked cars and when I was younger I used to drive too fast Probably more than I should have Never once was I like, oh I hope I don't die Which is stupid Not as smart, but I never had that fear Now every time we're in the car I'm like, god I hope nobody fucking hits us James is so frail, he's tiny It changes, it does change How I, or change me How I think about stuff I can't relate to the baby part But the newfound fear of vehicles happened with the semi.

17:38I still don't really give a shit about myself, except that I know if something bad happens, if something bad happens to me, that means I won't be able to do what I am currently doing for James. Like if I get hurt, I'll be out of commission or if I die or something, I won't be around for him. I'm not really afraid of that for my own purposes, but that seems really unfair to James. Oh, you could have just let it happen. No, I caught that one. What was unfair to James? If I die, that would be really unfair to James. All right, you can't die if you win this. But if you lose it, you die right now. If I win this coin flip, do I gain invincibility?

18:18You do, yes. By the powers invested in the constitution of distractible, you will become immortal. And then opposite that, you will die way sooner. I don't think I can kill you right here. Which one am I rooting for? Heads? Heads means you will be immortal. Guys, if you could get heads on this - of all the coin flips I've ever lost - I did my best. If we could get heads on this one. Alright, here we go. Ooh, duh, duh. He - It's heads! I did it. No way! Oh, is that heads? Yeah, yeah, the ladies heads! The ladies heads! Oh, he's immortal, everybody! I'm immortal! Congratulations, dude! I got - I got a red - do you feel it?

18:59I do feel better. My back doesn't hurt anymore. You were so right that would be unfair to James That now you're so right That would be so unfair And so I'm immortal now Okay then let it be known I wish I had a better coin Yeah lion is tails on mine And I got lady, lady is heads I'm just glad we had your back, we're such good friends Mark Yeah I tried really hard and it worked If I actually did gain immortality From that, that makes up for all the other Coin flips I've ever lost, I'm not even mad About it Until the world explodes and you're left alone as the last living person Karmically in the universe?

19:35That makes total sense It does, it does Okay, well congratulations I'm obviously giving you an immortality point for that Because if there ever was a moment But don't worry, Wade I gave you a point for laughing at my joke Thank you It was one single chuckle But I counted it I know how that feels But yeah, no, Bob I can relate to I can't relate to the parenting part But I love me and the world would be at a loss without my humor if I were to die. So I feel like I owe it to the world to treat myself safe. Because I'm raising all of them. You're like the world's daddy. Yeah. Well, dad, I don't think I'm daddy.

20:12Wade considers himself a big daddy. Small talk for me, I guess. I've been... Okay, you know how I always am like I got a big sweeping realization about my life, how I've been doing things wrong? Yeah, sure, sure. Every time we talk. Have I talked about how I have an egregiously high salt intake and I... Well, I licked the lamp, right? So I don't like salt talked about before. I think I've been chronically dehydrated all of my life and never have taken in enough water because I was doing some research. That seems possible. That's a funny joke, man. I'm laughing again. That same joke. All right.

20:45You know what? Oh, man. You get it, boy. All right. Look at me, dude. I mean, times two. Oh, hell yeah. That makes up for my lost point. So, I mean, my salt intake is egregious and my blood pressure has been fine. So it's not really I'm doing this for that reason or anything, but it's it's more just I realized how little water I actually drank I drink water a cup of water in the morning when I take my medication That's the only cup of water. I was drinking. I had a cup of coffee You know and jury's out and whether that actually hydrates you or not. I have like carbonated diet sodas I have carbonated waters, but mostly I was getting like maybe three or four cups total liquid every day right and that's not usually what they recommend now the recommendation from doctors you know there's the people that are like drink as much water as possible now the recommendation like 35 to 40 milliliters per kilogram of body weight which for me is about three to three and a half liters um what i would need in terms of liquid hold on 30 to 35 milliliters per kilogram 35 to 40 so anywhere in that range is i think the scientifically recommended amount of water that you should be getting or liquid you should be getting in your day.

21:57That includes like watery foods, soups. You know, I think they even include coffee in that. But three liters is a big jump from what I was doing, right? And it makes sense that I was able to do this because my salt intake was so high. Therefore, my cells have a lot of salt in them. And therefore, it holds on to water. It's hard for the water to leave. It flows towards the higher salinity gradient. And you've seen the thing with the soy sauce packet in the water. Water goes into the soy sauce through the permeable membrane. Anyway, so I started drinking four of these. These are 40 ounce with ice.

22:33It's about like 30-ish something ounces. I've never peed so much in my goddamn life. It never stops. I'm like, I put one of these. I am peeing more than I'm taking in, which apparently makes sense because the salt is slowly going out of my cells. and like I don't feel any better yet. Oh, I was going to say, you probably feel a lot better, right? No, I don't. I don't feel any better. I feel no different other than I'm peeing all the time. I've gone to the bathroom so much more than in my entire life. Every hour I have to go to the bathroom, but they say it takes like three to four weeks for you to start to become adjusted to it.

23:15The thing is also I was never thirsty. I very rarely am I like, oh, I'm thirsty. drink water so i've been this is my second one of these today so i'm apparently supposed to drink nine 500 milliliter bottles a day according to your how much nine of these bottles a day you need four and a half liters apparently what was the recommended amount it's like 35 to 40 milliliters per kilogram so i'm about 100 and we'll call 115 kilograms times 40 right that's the upper end yeah damn and you divide that by this is a 500 milliliter bottle you're a big guy yeah it's like it's it's supposed to be more if you're exercising so i used to think that people were crazy like you need two gallons a day and that might be crazy but like that's basically that's more than a gallon you need i need right about a gallon apparently yeah 250 pounds is about nine bottles of water a day yeah so i'm waiting for all the amazing health benefits and mental clarity to kick in but all my mental mental thoughts are only occupied with i have to be that's all i've got so far so i'll report back next week when my equilibrium equilibriumizes oh wait i i have other small talk this is um this is actually it's because you were talking about health stuff this is an update so this is way the hell a long time ago now but we did an episode where i talked about how stressful and sort of traumatizing the james's birth was and especially around mandy's health and issues that she faced before during and after actually giving birth james is almost three james will be three in december mandy just this past week got an iron infusion and it turns out she's been having all of these postpartum issues, including like panic attacks and other like really serious issues that are potentially all, if not many of them were caused by like critically low iron, like literally just zero iron in her body.

25:22She thought that just having the baby just like changed her hormonal chemistry or changed her body or she was having she was feeling more anxious because having a kid does make you feel kind of anxious in different ways and stuff like. It's potentially literally all related to low iron. And she asked me to bring this up just to say to all of the women that are listening, and especially if you currently are or have been recently, or if you just think that any of the stuff that Mandy dealt with sounds familiar to you, get your fucking iron checked. It took her multiple doctors to find one who would even do the tests that she was like, I think I have low iron.

26:01Like I have all these symptoms that are happening and, and, and like, and the doctors would just be like, ah, you're just, is it your time of the month? Well, calm down, calm down woman. And like, not maybe that explicit, but none of them gave a shit. And then she finally convinced her current doctor who still didn't give a shit to do the test. And the test came back and it was like, you have zero iron and zero ferritin in your body. And the doctor was kind of like, oh, okay. I'll refer you to like a hematologist or whatever. that's fine um so any women out there if you feel like you have if you look into any of the symptoms and accompanying side of uh whatever accompanying things that come with low iron and you feel like maybe you have low iron get a test and tell your doctor that to not be a dismissive asshole that you would like a test to see if your iron and specifically your ferritin are low because they can have all kinds of crazy side effects including mandy literally never had panic attacks before in life and had panic attacks because of low iron, like crazy low iron, like zero out of whatever.

27:04It's supposed to be like 100, and it was a zero on the test result. And it could apply to guys too, but this is for reasons I think anyone who understands how women's anatomy works even slightly, it might be obvious. This is a thing that applies generally more to women, especially women who are pregnant, have been pregnant, giving birth. Also, you lose a lot of blood, but it's Just an interesting fact. Mandy wanted everyone to know. Get that checked, because apparently not having iron can cause all kinds of side effects and can make you think that you have all kinds of other diseases that you don't have.

27:37But if you just get an iron infusion, which she did, she immediately started to feel better. After the first day, she felt kind of sick from the infusion. But interesting tidbit. Check that out. Good to know. Point to Mandy. I also wrote for the point iron within, iron without, which is a 40K joke. iron infusion best way to get iron or is there a way you can increase your iron so there are supplements but iron supplements are really hard on your stomach and mandy has always had trouble with nausea from like she's very sensitive to oral medication in general and so she she tried to take the iron supplements orally and like was so sick that she didn't eat for a couple weeks and was like almost bedridden for part of it so uh that wasn't really an option although the only other way I know of to get iron is through food, which she does do.

28:27But like the iron supplement is it's like 50 milligrams of iron or something or a hundred or something. The most high iron food you can get is multi-grain Cheerios have like 18 milligrams of iron in them. But all the other food that people are like, oh, it has a lot of iron. They have like three milligrams of iron. You have to eat an actual five gallon bucket of spinach to get a meaningful amount of iron from eating spinach or whatever all this so if you have like mandy like seriously low iron like dangerously low causing these side effects an iron infusion might be the way that they go if the other options don't work for you and eating getting it from food was just not substantial enough for her to recover from being completely bottomed out on her levels.

29:17But yeah. Well, good to know. Good to know. Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. maple glazed roasted and edges perfectly caramelized sweet greens fall harvest is back on the menu and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured you know what to do order on the sweet green app

29:58this episode is brought to you by uber you know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most yeah we all need that sometimes and uber knows that uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered, it's showing up no matter what. I think that might be them knocking on the door because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. Dude, them or the FBI, I'm not 100 % sure. Yep. When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up. Or there's a will, we're on our way. Uber. On our way. Download the app today.

30:31Alright. That was a long small talk, but I liked all of it, so you guys got a lot of points out of that. Water and iron. Water and iron. It's the weirdest World of Warcraft faction. Rock and stone. Alright, we're gonna move on from that. This... Segway point? No, no, no. Alright, I'm gonna set the scene. I did a little creative writing here, and I want you guys to really feel in the moment of what we're about to do here. Okay? Imagine you're in a dark hallway. You give your wife one last hug. She tells you she made the bet just like you asked, but she's choking on the words. She's crying. You nod solemnly, knowingly, and you say goodbye for the last time.