News Flash!

0:00This episode of Distractable is presented to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. The folks over at T-Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test. So if you want the fastest 5G speeds with a five-year price guarantee, visit t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speed Test. Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode. Madding future Mark hates dicks, digs K-pop, trips balls, and plays Whose Line Is It Anyway?

0:42Weepy Wade tricks himself into tears, does his duty by his fluffies, assists in an orgy, and with a billionaire. Bear Moth Bob struggles with understandable strain, and gets a dirty noseful. From format genius to mushroom messiahs, it's time for News Flash. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hi and welcome back to Distractable. My name is Mark Ipplier, and I'm here hosting this episode because I won last time. And if you don't know how that thing works, it's because that's the entire thing of the game. And I know there's probably one person that has been listening to this and or watching this the entire...

1:36Probably listening to this, let's be honest. Let's be honest with ourselves. It's probably one of the listeners who has been looking at this, slack jaw, drool dripping out of the mouth, not understanding the concept of how this show works. The only reason that our longevity is still longevity tizing is because we were geniuses when we made this podcast And we set out to make a formula that could be repeated ad infinitum Even if we repeat the same episodes over and over again and that everyone could find entertainment value in every single moment It doesn't matter if they have eyes or ears or none of the above They'll love this podcast and so will you and so you will And so you do oh look it's one of the guys joining today.

2:16Oh A fresh, beautiful face. I just come falling in from the top of the screen. Now the editors will make that happen. This is Bob. Bob stands at a lovely six foot four and a half. He's got a smile for days. He's a glasses man. Purple is his entire personality. It's Bob. That's me. I wish I could be more purple. This is as purple as it gets. Ignore all the stuff behind me that's not purple. Or that doesn't sound purple. Editors put in the sound of burple Oh Yeah wow And Wade the human equivalent Of a mushroom always in the same Place persevering through death Despair anything you'll always find Fungi where this guy is Cause he's such a fun guy Wade Hey Mark phoning it in from Ohio today It's funny every time You too weirdly you get a segue point i don't know how you managed to get the segue point this early i don't either i don't know what i just part jesus christ that's really you've you are weirdly six cents about the the topic and uh getting that i think anyway we got a fun episode for you today in that it is a new one and i have no idea if it's going to work or not so whether it's fun or not is entirely dependent on future me and that's not me right now so i'm not responsible for that guy's actions that guy's a dick and frankly i don't like him so if anything happens with future mark that you know screaming obscenities a lot of racial slurs could happen that guy not me right now just gotta say that out there i don't like from my perspective when you were pointing him back at future mark it looked like you were pointing at me yes you are secretly future mark hey man things get tough things really go crazy man you would not believe really thought iron lung 2 was a good idea mark don't do it turns out nobody wants to see an ocean of hair we ran out so i had to donate my own it didn't come back

4:31Don't worry I pulled so much out there was still a lot of blood Yeah I don't know why ocean of hair is more disgusting than an ocean of blood It is isn't it I think somehow it's it's even past like an ocean of piss or something like that or an Ocean of poo ocean of hair that really sounds unpleasant Well think about how it feels you know that like it's maybe not every time but when you get that surprise single hair in your mouth and you're like oh that's one hair an ocean of that just constant misery just yeah no thank you for that i chapstick before shaving my beard and all the little tiny hairs got caught in the chapstick and then like i ate something later and like licked my lip and just all of that hair that up on my tongue and it was like 20 minutes of misery trying to remove it god that's so gross why would you even say that out loud i don't know I was trying to be hashtag relatable How dare you manifest that into existence By making it happen physically Not manifesting it at all It was in my mouth you know I lived it At least it was my own hair Yeah well if it's an ocean of it I doubt it's going to be in All your hair I don't have much to grow Unless you used to have the densest hair in the world I did I had really thick hair when I was young It's like a cattail you know When you see the video the person biting into a cattail And they go Don't bite into my balls You won't find the What?

5:57My balls

6:02I'll pass on both Thank you Spent a little bit since we last chatted Almost exactly a week like it almost always is So what's new with you guys lives? I have weird small talk this week So I can go first and get out of the way And maybe it's not weird Maybe I'm undercutting myself But I had a moment earlier today I guess and I don't know if you guys get this, but it's been a tough time like generally, like emotionally. James is a toddler and he's been having struggling with tantrums and like pretty normal toddler stuff. It's been harder than I have expected to deal with on my end. And I think it stems from I feel very protective of Mandy.

6:41And so when James takes things out on Mandy, that's pretty normal. that's his mom like that but goes from like oh he's a toddler like he's a toddler he's having a hard time to like don't fucking mess with mandy right like something triggers in the back of my mind that's very confusing because i'm protective of both of them but i was protective of mandy first anyway i've been struggling with like that right trying to process stuff kind of confusing stuff and i don't know why but today i was driving and system of a down came on i didn't like choose to play it just came up in a random thing and like i don't even remember i think it was lost in hollywood from mesmerize i don't know it's a random song that i used to love when i was younger and haven't listened to in forever and it came on and like just triggered an instant emotional release for me like literally it came on and it was just like system of a down and it started started singing and i was just like oh and something opened and i'd like teared up and And just it's just like a weird thing.

7:43And it struck me like I get that sometimes I've had that. There was a point in law school where it was really fucking miserable. And I was thinking about quitting and I hated everything. And then on my drive home from school, occasionally like a song would come on from like high school or from before. And I would just like have a huge release, figure something out, process something. and it just made me curious if that's like a me specific thing or if you guys have ever experienced stuff like that because it just I forget right I love music and I'll just forget and I'll be in the middle of something where I'm like having a bad time or I'm really angry about and then if I just chose to turn on music it would probably help but I like you forget about everything else when you're wrapped up in you know your own stuff sometimes it's like magic like it just like poofed and I felt so much better from one song in the car on the on the radio randomly and I thought that was crazy but do you do you guys get that I do um I'll wait unless you want to jump in on the discussion but I think that there's there's something interesting here I mean I've got stuff to add but if you want to go first you can I mean you're a host man I don't know why I said that's so weird and somberly like this is a sacred topic no it's it's weird because I I don't listen to music on the regular, right?

8:59I don't listen in a car. I don't do anything. But there are certain times when I realize the power that music has, because I like music. People probably hear that I don't listen to music in the car and think that I don't like it. I know I like it. I just never, it's not in my DNA to go seek out music or listen to it casually. But when K-pop Demon Hunters came out, I was like in the middle of one of the many final stretches of Iron Lung. And it wasn't Golden, the song that everyone is listening to it was like the last song of the like this is why it sounds like i would listen to that on the drive to go work on the movie and i'd just be like i can do this i can do this and it's weird it like gets me hyped up more than anything i don't even know why but it's just it just it just hits something right it just hits something and i i believe there's a real tangible thing and and music in in human history has been very much about that That's why you have drummers going into war.

9:59You know, I love war. That's my favorite war drums.

10:08Love that diddy. All right, wait, help me. First of all, the song you just mentioned from K-pop Demon Hunters is also the one that stuck out to me the most when I watched it. Golden's good. Don't get me wrong. They're all bangers, but that one also is the one that got me. I go through like phases of just wanting to get the tears rolling. so I'll seek out stuff like I'll watch people react to like um James Blunt like his song Monsters like I'll watch people react that I've never seen it I'm like yes here we go pain and I don't know why I do that but like I'll occasionally be like oh man I just you know what I need to watch soldiers coming home videos people reuniting with their pets videos like I need that today and I'll sit here for like two hours just like yes drain my eye fluids why i do that and i like movies with like somewhat predictable cheesy like emotional ending sometimes it's like oh yes i'm getting the feels out i don't know why because like typically i'm pretty like held together whatever i don't cry a lot publicly or anything but sometimes when i'm by myself i'm just like you know what i want to laugh for a bit and then i want to cry my fucking eyes out and i don't know why so give me that emotional song let me watch those emotional videos.

11:16Let me just feel, let me get the feels. I think we need it. I think humans need it. It's in, in today's society, we're very, well, a lot of us comfortable, you know, with air conditioning. And usually there's, there's obviously starvation and there's, there's famine out there in the world, but for the most part, you know, people that have the opportunity to get bored are bored because a lot of our needs are basic, basic needs are met. And so this kind of, it turns from being comfortable to being just in a very middle non-dynamic state and your average can be average because you're sitting in at literally at number five out of ten or your average can be average because you're swinging from zero to ten so often just like iron lung you know it's not average there's zeros and tens you know it's really really spread but the average you know gets down it's dynamic i think that we as as even says need that experience and sometimes art and um music and movies can have that kind of cathartic balance or bring a little bit of it we're meant to suffer why are we still here watch puppies reunite with their owners man it's so cute you're right you're so right other small talk if i randomly look like i just got punched in the nuts it's because i fucked my neck up real good we took james to a trampoline park and i did not jump on the trampolines but I had to walk around on them and at some point I did the classic almost fall down give myself whiplash and I just my neck is just great it feels really good so I'm fine but if I at that point I'm just like normie I'm fine just old it's out of shape it's all good uh I don't remember much about the past week not gonna lie because uh last night was a really rough night of sleep dogs and cat went to the vet yesterday so we had to drop the dogs off at like 7 a.m which for me is like 2.30 in the morning for normal people.

13:09I actually passed out, got like four hours of sleep, took the dogs in, came back, tried to sleep a little bit. Then we had to take the cat in later because he can't go into anesthesia after he had the near-death experience a couple of years ago. Then we were at the vet for like an hour while they examined keters. Then we got all the animals, came home, and Presley and Ginger had to be put under for dental cleanings. And they were still kind of out of it when we got home. Presley got sick a couple of times. And he just kind of kept throughout the night like looking at us and whining a little bit.

13:34and that persisted throughout the night. We went to bed at like one or two last night, which for us is pretty good. But every couple of hours, I woke up to Presley whining and I would try to comfort him. And then seven, eight o 'clock this morning, I was like, I give up. I'm just going to go downstairs and sit with you guys. And I don't know. And then Presley was like, ah, father, you're awake. Now I will sleep peacefully next to you on the couch. Yeah, well, he was real tired after a long night, you know? Yeah, I didn't get a lot of sleep and it wasn't really good sleep, but we were worried about the babies and Molly's with them now.

14:02One of us is probably not streaming tonight because of just wanting to be there and make sure they're all right. Just, I don't know, for whatever reason, Anesthesia does not sit well with Presley. Not like Keters did, but he usually takes a day or two to be back to his old self after he gets put under. Anyway, that's all I know. I don't remember what happened prior to that. I think I've been playing a lot of Pokemon. I'll call them fan games. What does that mean? He means porns. Oh. Well, no, I just, the term ROM hack sounds illegal. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. It might be illegal. So is it illegal or not illegal?

14:33No Yeah he knows what he's doing He knows what he's doing Okay only one of the three of us has a video about passing or smashing all the Pokemon And it's not me Who is it then? We'll never know I would never point the finger at our host and I won't do it now Okay alright Well you point one forward You got three pointing back at yourself So

14:58They're pointing straight up idiot You got him there Oh man See the trick is you gotta shove your end And point all four fingers You gotta point You gotta point aggressively You gotta point like Palpatine Like you It was you that wanted to smash The Pokemon Bring me the God of War Unlimited Pokemon Nobody likes Garbador Except me This episode is brought to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. You already know that T-Mobile 5G Home Internet is ridiculously easy to set up, with a price that doesn't feel like you're getting scammed every month. But here's something new worth noting. T-Mobile now has the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test.

15:50No, seriously. Their 5G home internet speeds are officially the fastest, which means that when you're downloading all your movies that aren't mine, every single one except for mine, you'll get them at the fastest speeds possible, along with all your video calls and uploading files and maybe even streaming something in the background, you know. And yeah, it is still a great value. Backed by a five-year price guarantee, so your bill doesn't slowly creep up when you're not paying attention. So if you want the fastest 5G home internet, with a simple setup and savings that actually stick, head over to t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability today.

16:25Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply fastest based on OOFSA speed test intelligence data, second half 2025, all rights reserved.

16:34Now, you're probably wondering why Wade got the segue point. I remember what I said back then, so yeah, I sure am. It's going to earn him the privilege of going first in this lovely competition. Now, this is going to take a little explaining. I know the last time I tried to explain a game, people at home, mostly the listeners were like brains just exploding comprehension plummeted test scores took a nosedive you know it'll be simple we're doing news flash like no get porn off your brain man it's like the who's line game news flash so what i have collected are various news stories real news stories that have occurred over the past month or so, some stretching a bit farther back in time.

17:26But for the most part, it's relatively topical news stories. When one of you is going, you will be the man out in the field with your microphone and listening in closely. That person will have to, by the honor system, minimize their riverside so that they can't see us and they will just be blind out in the field because I'm going to share with the other person, in this case, Bob, what the article is. So Bob and I will both be asking the man in the field questions about the news story that the editors will put behind him. So I'll link the articles to the editor. So there'll be pictures, maybe video if we can find some royalty free video to make it make sense.

18:06And we will be asking the host out in the field or the person out in the field, the reporter questions, and they have to guess what the news article is. It could be the title of the news article. It could be the general concept of what is happening behind him. Makes sense. Okay. I'm not seeing this game in like 20 years, but you know what? I remember it and I'm sure I will be fine. I seen the actual game on the show. I don't think helps in any way, as long as you understand the premise. Well, it kind of like gives you an idea of what questions to ask or how to answer them to get clues. So I don't remember any of that.

18:41I will judge this in a kind of similar way to the drawing one where there will be I'll give points based on how well your questions are helping the person. And obviously, I'm part of that. But my questions will not have any factor in on the person other person scores. I'm just there to give you the other person time to think so that they don't have to constantly barrage. and in the and how it worked on the show whose line is two people were asking one person on the field wade in this case you would be calling mockery because they almost always had him on the on the field did anyone else ever go into the field i think maybe ryan did once but it was like colin was clearly the person to do that yeah what else do colin and i have in common being short oh okay i thought you're gonna say bald so when wade you can respond however you want but just pay attention to the questions being asked and start to formulate in your head do i need my green screen up so the editors can clearly put this whole news story right behind me i mean it would help yeah actually that would that would be helpful you got this news story video right bob is benefited because his background actually is mostly purple which does help give a distinct color to key it out no actually this is great okay perfect and then also for the listeners at home you'll get a text to speech of what the title of the uh article is and that way you can know what's going on beforehand so the audience at home you'll know what the article is and the editors will be also tasked with playing sound effects that are happening behind and just getting a general scene so that everyone is is part of this you said this is going to take a lot of imagination and and work on our parts i think this maybe takes more work on the editor's parts it might it's it's all hands don't worry we just need this ready by tomorrow yep door chip chop chip let's get this together now all right so go ahead and uh and um minimize your screen wade fun all right so i'll i'll do you a favor i'll ask the first question because i know what these are i'll ask the first question all these all right is everybody ready any questions before we get started i think we're good i'm good i should have had music queued up for this for news music but editors i'm gonna put it all on you cortina condom shortage as elites were given 10 000 free condoms and they disappeared in three days good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the nightly news i'm your host uh dixum smash em and i'm joined by my co-host um bob I'm your co-host Reed Fennus We have a breaking news story We have our man out in the field, Wade He is in the midst of the action Wade, can you hear us?

21:21Yes, yes I do It's a bit crazy out here So I've got headphones on to make sure I can pick you up Yeah, yeah, even through the headphones I can hear it all happening Wade, have you ever known an event like this To happen so quickly? No, no Bob, it started off real calm If you can believe it looking around It started off very calm, but as the day has gone on, well, you can see. Well, do you think the cold has anything to do with it? Oh, that's a good possibility. I mean, temperatures have been going up and down, as you know. Things have been crazy around here. It's been zero degrees, been 70 degrees.

21:57Up and down, up and down, up and down. Yeah, indeed. Wade, a skier was quoted as saying, They promised us more will arrive, but who knows when do you have any idea when those are going to show up? Uh, no, I've been trying to get an update, but based on the chaos around me, it's been hard to really get anyone's attention. Everyone's been kind of focused on the, uh, the events going on. Yeah, I'm sure. Which events would that be? Well, you know, I would tell you more, but I think your eyes can tell you pretty much based on the, uh, the events happening. You know, we've been on the hills over here.

22:38We've been on the plains over here. A lot of pushing and shoving. Oh my gosh, there's so much pushing and so much shoving, I bet. Yeah, I think I would define this event maybe as a mixed singles type thing. But wait, you know, this actually started originally in 1988 in Seoul. Can you remember a crazier year than this one? Or maybe a specific city that this happened in that sticks out to you? Well, every four years it seems to get crazier and crazier, but I won't forget Atlanta. What was that? 2000 Atlanta? That one was pretty wild, but the weather was a lot calmer that year. Well, as you know, the previous record is 300 ,000.

23:17Do you think that it's going to break the record this year? Well, every year people train harder and harder and we see records broken all the time. You've seen some records broken? You've seen it. You've been in there. Well, in order to do my job to the fullest, yes, I've had to dive straight in So you're saying you contributed to this, actually How many would you say you contributed? Well, just because I'm hands-on reporting doesn't mean I'm too hands-on Go on For the sake of my job, I'm not sure I should I'd like a number I feel like you could guesstimate a number 17

23:56Wow, that really is impressive If there was a chart for who was leading this, you must be competitive at very least. Yeah. Did you manage, while you were in there in the midst of the action, did you manage to get any quotes from anybody? I can see, you know, there's not many people that seem to be conscious at this moment, but, you know, maybe, you know, before the exhaustion set in, they said something to you. Oh, a lot of oohs and ahs. How many? 34. Exactly double your number. Interesting. This fascinating. Hmm. Not that I'm counting. Not that I'm counting. Clearly not. Clearly not. You know, this is actually banned in, uh, in, in, uh, watch out.

24:39Yeah, no, look, there's definitely going to be video of this on the screen, uh, behind you there. Don't worry about it. This is actually banned in Beijing. Do you think part of this, uh, the speed with which it happened this time around has anything to do with the ban for the previous, uh, games? I think that they have tried their best to keep things under control. But I mean, whenever you've got people working out so much and testosterone and estrogen flowing everywhere, things are going to get crazy fast. All right, wait, do you have a guess for the article and where you are? Am I in the midst of a bunch of Olympic athletes having sex without condoms?

25:15That is pretty close. I would say that's really, really close. If you had to guess the title of the article i saw something about there being a condom shortage or within like some yeah that's it that's it cortina condom shortage athletes were given 10 000 free condoms they disappeared in three days i'd say that's full points for both of you that was well done across the board i got to the olympics pretty quick i was like oh man i don't know the different olympic events then the context clues of what was going on started to come in so i just want one big mosaic blur

25:5117 and 34 i don't know how i feel about that so we don't really have to minimize i mean i guess i will yeah no no not not necessarily should i leave it i don't know if it's easier to leave that up or bring it up and down for this i don't know oh bring it up and down come on all right editors you got easy i was trying to find another like event-based one to get it uh similar but i don't think that these are gonna kind of be random you know new since these are real news stories it's kind of just a little difficult but this one actually might be tough but i think we're just gonna go with it so wait i'm gonna send you okay i know right that's a weird one ready everybody all right cue the music how much cocaine is in nantucket sewage a lot good evening ladies and gentlemen i'm sir sniffs a lot and i'm here to report you on some breaking news.

26:44I'm also joined by my co-host Enda House Tonight. And we have our award winning, Pulitzer Prize winning and also whatever the journalism one is, reporter out in the field whose name escapes me. Terry Porter. Terry! Terry! Terry! Terry! Terry! I gotta ask, you know, just because I feel like there's some legal ramifications for it. You haven't compromised yourself, have you? No. No, I learned those lessons in journalism school. Never compromise my ethics, never compromise my sources, never compromise myself. I'm just out here reporting on, you know, facts. I got a follow up here. Do we know exactly how much ended up there?

27:29Scientists are saying anywhere between 10 and 10 million. My sense is it's kind of a lot. Yeah. Do you think you're at risk, though? The reason I ask is because obviously you're knee deep in it right now. and given what we know about the circumstances, I just fear for you. I fear for you. Yeah, I feel okay right now. They did tell me to bring, you know, knee-high boots, which I did. If it gets any higher, I'm not covered. I don't think my jeans are going to do very much. I think if the level goes any higher, I'm going to be in a little bit of trouble, but it seems to be settling. It seems to calm me down.

28:03I think we're going to be at the peak. We're at the zenith right now. I think I'm okay. Oh, zenith. Good word. That's why you won the Pulitzer, man. And that other one. I'm assuming a lot of police involvement Maybe FBI involvement in this Oh sure, sure, yeah They called everyone, the paramedics are standing by Dick Animal Control is out here Just to help manage Any, you know, strays that come up It's tough for everyone to get around So they kind of all pick their spots and we're all just sitting still Till the level goes back down Or it starts to get cleared out But everyone, everyone's here Strays, you say, strays You're saying that the local wildlife is getting into the supply and I've heard reports that crocodiles were emerging rather more active than usual.

28:47Is that something you're seeing? Yes, yes, I've seen that a little bit. I've heard reports it's not just crocodiles. Any ground-based sort of animals definitely getting flushed out and then, you know, once they're out and about, they're sort of joining in. It's an attractive supply. I think it's really, once they realize what's happening, they can't keep their mouths off of it. Do animals with a stronger sense of smell seem more affected? No. No, not really. They're all pretty equally excited about just eating as much as they possibly can. I don't have a great sense of smell, so maybe I'm just not noticing.

29:23Maybe that's why they sent me. For our listeners at home, can you give a 360 spin and just kind of give a general lay of the land? Maybe just give some description of what's going on. So right here where I am, you can see it's pretty static. I'm almost on kind of like an island. If you look up here, you can see there's a lot of movement. There's a lot of downhill movement. It's sort of a flow. If you look over here, you can see the authorities attempted to erect a barrier, and it's starting to crest the barrier. They were thinking a double high wall would be enough to retain, but I think you could tell that convoy of police cars is pretty eminent danger right now of being overrun.

30:06Our sponsor over at Grindr sent over a question. They wanted to know if women's restrooms were being focused on a bit more to make sure that women were being careful when powdering their noses. Well, I think we all know the men's restrooms are the ones that really get dirty. I don't know if it's a cultural thing or if it's, but men don't take care of our spaces. You know, we do what we got to do and we leave it how we leave it. I think the women are just so much more respectful in general that theirs are sort of normal. There's nothing that crazy. It's like a different world for the women's restrooms.

30:41I can tell you that. Well, it's just such a fascinating story because everyone's asking, how did that much get in there? How? It's so far above the national average. It's about four to five times the national average. I don't know who thought it would be a good idea to open the day with the spiciest chili contest, but I'm going to guess that that has something to do with it. Do they suspect any kind of cartel involvement? Not that I've heard. It's really hard to hear over the smell, if you know what I mean. None of the authorities have officially pointed in that direction. It could be out of fear.

31:22Can't rule that out. But right now, no, this is really more of a grassroots type of origination. Now, we've heard rumors here in the studio that other up and coming low life members of society have taken to repackaging what they have been able to scavenge from the outskirts of the overflow. And they have been selling it on the streets. And I think they've been calling it the brown. But, you know, they want to put it out there, you know, try to make a buck. Is that what you're seeing, too? Or is this just Internet rumors? It's a little bit of rumors, I think maybe blowing it out of proportion. There definitely are some people who are leveraging the chili cook-off and the future chili-themed events that are scheduled and trying to sort of make it seem like they're part of that.