Please Laugh

0:00For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around. Lemon forward sodas, even lemon forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth. All hail for lemon. That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Join the 7up rising. Flip the sip. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports.

0:53Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Can you hear that? it's the calm sugar white sandy beaches ofst pete clearwater and if you listen closely you'll hear the ums coming from the epic restaurants the cheers from sun-soaked music festivals and the beat of our legendary nightlife scene before you hit play on your next song text the group chat it's time to plan a trip tost pete clearwater learn more at visit spc.com This episode of Distractable is presented by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. Okay, how do you guys know when someone's really your friend? I don't know.

1:42I don't know. But I do know that T-Mobile 5G Home Internet's got your back with their fast speeds, easy 15-minute setup, a price for any budget, and five-year price guarantee. Visit T-Mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data. Exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data. Exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G network speeds. Very new to factor affecting cellular networks. Guarantee exclusions details at T-Mobile.com slash home internet. Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers.

2:16And welcome to Distractable. This ipsum. Wailing Wade inflicts tongue twisting terror. As he makes mimicry most mocking. Medallic Mark Texas Ranger. Witnesses Warner's sound security. Is a constipated mouse. Gagging Gollum. It and sad Shaggy. Boxed up Brooklyn Bob goes a roaming. Does deeply demonic. Trek Bill brilliantly. And a fabulous froggy. From Wade's nips. To bad mouthed Elmo. Hehehehez. It's time for... Please laugh. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

3:04Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm today's host-ish. I thought you forgot your name. I legitimately thought you were going to... I have some imposter syndrome going on today. I'm Ron Burgundy. I didn't win last episode, but I'm hosting on behalf of the listeners who did win. You're going to get all the ire. All the listeners are going to channel their hate at you. It's his fault. Yeah. They might. Unless I built an episode specifically for the listeners. Time will tell. We did not have that much time in between these episodes. I had about two minutes. they're gonna be happy oh boy because we're speed running today if you're wondering why I'm wearing the same shirt for the next six episodes it's because we're doing a speed run and I'm gross joined as always by Mark and Bob who also didn't none of us won last episode but I can confirm weight is gross thank you I need my points pad you're wearing that shirt that's like flesh toned so it looks like you're just topless sitting here hosting the episode Editors, put in nipples You probably can't Just two nipples appear on your forehead Wherever you want Dealer's choice So how are you guys?

4:27Fill in while I get my notepad ready Moving God, I fucking hate moving You're moving? Yeah, I don't know if you could see Remember how all these shelves used to have shit all over them? This, I can only hope Will be the last time I ever move for the rest of my life damn we'll see if that holds up because i'm pretty sure i said something like that when we moved to this place but uh we are moving the movers will be here in less than 48 hours um i will say this area like my desk is covered in all the same i haven't packed at all this is the least packed part of the entire house all the rest of our house is in like boxes and shit, but we have been hardcore pretty much most of the day, every day since Saturday.

5:15And today is Tuesday moving, packing, carrying heavy shit up and downstairs. I fell on the stairs one time, totally fine survived, but the movers actually show up and then we'll be moved over. Honestly, as much as I despise moving, this is lame because I always do this and circle it back to being a dad now that I'm a dad. But the most concerning part of all this for me is I'm curious how James is going to handle it, right? We've already moved once, but he was like a baby when we moved. We moved from California back to Ohio to be closer to our parents when he was like 10 months old, which was tricky because 10 months olds are tricky.

5:53But this is different now, right? He's old enough now where like his room is his room. He knows that that's his bed. That's his bookshelf. This is his book. We're like packing up his belongings and they're disappearing. And he's kind of like, hey, didn't that bookshelf? Wasn't that full of books? Where'd all my books go? And it's like, he's being really cool so far. But I'm curious the first night, like we're going to sleep in this house tomorrow night. And then the next night we're going to sleep in the other house. And his bed is going to be in a new room. And it's going to be smelled different.

6:24And I just don't know how it's going to go. He might be totally fine. He's really chilly. He likes traveling. He loves staying in hotels and stuff. We've done that a couple of times. But I'm worried that it's going to be hard on him because he is so young. It's hard to express how he's feeling or understand exactly how he's feeling. And moving is weird and moving is difficult. So it sucks and I hate packing. But the main thing on my mind is James because I'm really curious and just want to make sure he does OK. Because it's a big change for a little kid who doesn't necessarily understand why all his shit is all moved around and not where it's supposed to be anymore.

6:58But it'll be over soon, he said. Forgetting about the three months of unpacking that always follows a move from house to house. I want to comment, but I need to sneeze. I'll allow it. I'll comment. Moving? Ha! Would never. I would never do that. Ever. In the history of forever. Have I ever moved? Not once. Since I've known you, I think you're in the longest period of not moving that I know of. That actually is true. If you just stay in hotels and Airbnbs, you don't have to move. You can be anywhere. That's true. You kind of practically live in Texas, but you didn't move there. You're goddamn right.

7:35I have been so in hotels and everything has been kind of crazy. I've been doing a lot of traveling. I was at, this is probably not a secret, but I was at Warner Brothers mixing stage for the movie. Don't get excited, everybody. They're not doing it. Final stretch. I was at Warner Brothers lot because the sound mixer Brad was like, it'd be really great If we could put the finishing touches in an actual like really large movie theater room. And this was super cool because I had never seen anything more than his mixing room, which is not small. It's not tiny, but it's like a living room size with a projector screen.

8:13And it's pretty good. This was literally if you took a movie theater and you pulled out all the chairs. That's what this was. That's fun. And it just had a big sound mixing desk. I had an upper level where there was like a desk up there that I could I could work on as as he was doing that. And and it was it was really, really, really fun. Just, you know, unfortunately came at a terrible time because all the other things going on. But I did appreciate the experience because I got to go. I'm not really much for touring the lots, but I was able to go on to Warner Brothers lot with an actual like I belong here path, which is very funny.

8:46Okay, this is this is probably I don't know this talking about their security too much, but what's really funny to me about Their security is they don't allow ubers to go in which I understand Sure, I I usually would drive and go there I show the pass my id and then I go on But one day for some reason or another I didn't have my car and I had to take an uber there And I didn't realize you could drop off. So he turns around the uber drivers pissed me tank my score Probably, but you know, it's fine. I I get out and i'm like, okay I'll go through and I don't know why I thought I could go through the car gate, but I walk up to the gate again

9:22He just glares at me and he points to the the pedestrian entrance But what's silly to me is I go through the pedestrian entrance and there's a whole rigmarole Like metal detector scanning looking at your bags. There's like two people on either side checking Um for just just me. I was the only one there I guess for studio tours to do that But they don't do that for cars So I'm just like Wait I can bring anything in my car Why are you checking my pet I can bring it This seems like a glaring suspicion So maybe I shouldn't talk about that As like a glaring weakness in their security protocol But it just seems strange There must be a reason I mean I'm assuming that if you were an employee You'd be driving But I'm like not every employee drives And some park out in the There's garage Anyway I don't know It's none of my business It was cool There was a lot going on there.

10:14I didn't peek my head into any of the soundstage, and I probably couldn't say anything if I did see something, but it was nice. It was actually a really nice place. They had this whole cafeteria, which I forget that most places of employment have their own cafeteria. It's very good food. I didn't go out for lunch to the cafeteria a lot because I was working the whole time, but it was a nice experience, and it was super cool. That's fun. One of the Warner Brothers, a guy who was in the room, said it was fucking badass, so I'm very happy about that. And that's it. Nice. Yep. Well, I gotta say, Mark, you earned the segue point.

10:55Oh. Okay. Warner Brothers! Security flaws! Whenever you got to the gate, somebody said something to you, right? Yeah. And how did they sound? He glared at me and then pointed to the... Yeah, he didn't say anything. This is a pedestrian line. I thought you did a voice at one point. Get out of here, bub. I don't know what I was saying. That wasn't it. Give me the point, please. You know what? We're getting a half a segue point. Come on! Because you can't even remember. We never had to remember what our segues was before. You just tell us. That's okay, because it's the only point I've assigned for all the small talk was half of a segue point.

11:35The listeners won the last episode, and the listeners are out for blood. There's no small talk points. Okay. There's half of a segue point. But for the listeners, we all three of us are going to be doing some fun impressions today. Voice impressions. Oh, I just realized my intestines are exploding. And I've got a list of tongue twisters that we get to read while doing voice impressions. Tongue twisters? What the fuck? Yay, listeners! Oh, good. Great. Good. Listeners, I'm never going to let you win anything ever again the rest of your lives. Just wait until the viewers win and we have to do something with our eyeballs.

12:19That's going to be crazy. So I'm going to keep this one again. We're aiming to get some quick episodes done. Our last one went a little bit longer than intended, so I'll try to keep this short. So I've got a list of like 30 impressions. I'm going to spin them on a wheel, and whenever we close the time, we'll just call it. We'll get as many as we can before then. Okay. we'll do this in kind of whatever. Let's see the order. We'll go Bob, Mark me. Hooray for the first one. And then we'll Mark me, Bob, you know, we'll kind of like rotate in the order that we do. So Bob, you'll get to go first on this one and your tongue twister will be Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

12:56Okay, good. That's not the part I'm worried about. You know, I'm just going to post this list of them so you guys can actually read them because the whole point isn't to memorize. I don't want to dread. I'm not going to look. There you go. Here's your list. And we're just going to read the first line of each of these. I don't even want to know. So for the first one, for number one, we're just going to read the first line. Number two, we'll read that first line. So on and so forth. So, Bob, your first impression is going to be, well, we're all going to do this impression. Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse reading Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

13:31All right. Well, I could maybe do this one. You know, I don't do. I don't. I have. I'm like H. John Benjamin. My voice acting is my voice. I do my voice. And that's the extent of my voices, which is an insult to him because he actually does do other voices pretty well. But I'm just like anyway, I'm stalling because I don't want to do this. Yep. Oh, Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers. Oh, pack of pickled peppers. Peter Piper picked. You just had to do the first line. Oh, you can keep going. What if you want though? Oh, no, I'm done then. That's good. Yeah, this is just a quick fire. Stand back everybody

14:24Pickle peppers

14:32Like Mickey's on cocaine? Yeah, somehow that sounds like Mickey doing Heath Ledger's Joker. Do you wanna know how I got these scars? I'm gonna show you a magic brick.

14:53Those were decent, guys. Those were actually decent. Those? Both floral? Yeah, they were these impressions. Wait, you're including me with that? Yeah, we're at the same level. I'm not going to give you my top five ordering of that. That's last episode. Mm-hmm. Oh, thank God. Alright, I gotta do it. Peter Kiper picked a pickle pickled peppers. We just picked ones that he would be good at. Actually, I found a list of impressions for beginners. It's going to be Gollum next. It's going to be fucking Spiegel. It turns out every impression I could do is on the list for beginners. Oh, God. Alright. Okay.

15:36Bob, you went first that time. Mark, you'll go first. I guess I'll go second. Bob, you'll go third this time. Sure. It's like an improv game. We're just going through the line. Let's do it, boys. We know this. Yeah. Mark, you're going to be reading the first line from number two, the Betty Bodder line. As Donald Duck. Oh, fucking what? That was a request from Bob specifically. Yeah, well, I was sort of hoping I wouldn't have to do that one. Oh. I can't do Donald either, so this is going to be terrible for all of us.

16:12I hope the listeners are real happy about their win.

16:37Okay, that went somewhere else and I'm gonna stop now. I don't know how you must have been, Mark could get a point for that. Just for clarity The line was Betty bought her bought some butter But she said the butter's bitter If I put it in my batter It will make my batter bitter That's what Mark said I think that's a terrible Donald Duck impression Wade you should duck him points No I'm not impressionizing Wade's next Oh fuck Baby butter Get some butter She said the butter's bitter

17:18What? How the fuck? That's close. I feel like we were doing the same kind of mouth thing, but mine did not come out like that. Did that sound anywhere close? Did it? Yeah, it did, actually. I haven't listened to Donald Duck in a long time, but that was pretty close. Yeah, that was pretty close. Compared to what happened before and what's about to happen now, I think that was way closer.

17:43All right, yeah, here we go. This is gonna be great Oh

17:55I can't do it without making myself laugh Oh wow

18:05It's a villain Batman's choking Where are the drugs going?

18:14No, no, it's Smeagol. Wait, hang on. That's different. You guys have made these characters sound so threatening.

18:23That was on purpose. Oh, Tylee's got these scars? How do you make that sound without tensing every muscle in your entire existence? I don't know. In my, like, you know how you hear your own voice differently? To me, I'm not even close. I'm glad it sounds close to you. Yours sounds like you at least know what you're trying to do. And like it's not like you're doing the voice But like it's if someone heard that they'd be like Oh you're doing Donald if someone heard mine They'd be like Is he okay It's almost like you have to combine it with another Like you have to almost high pitch your voice a little bit but also Nah I'm good I'm good I don't think I'm refining that one I think that's staying I can't do it well either But I mean that's what I was doing That made my whole head hurt in a way that it doesn't Usually Oh, okay.

19:13I gotta go first on this one. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck a woodchuck could chuck wood? William Shatner

19:21How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, Mr. Spock I think you're doing so much He would chuck wood as much as he could. That's the no no he's leading us in the right direction No, he's got it. We just gotta replicate what he's doing. I'm kind of Christopher Walkening my Shatner. Yeah, you kind of Walken did. I don't think I have a leg to stand on to make fun of anyone else's impersonation. Christopher Walken and William Shatner had a baby for me. So does that mean I have to go next? Yes. Yeah, see, now I was just laughing at you, but now I have to do it. I immediately regret that I laughed at you.

20:03How much wood? Wood. A woodchuck chuck. If a woodchuck could chuck wood. Mr. Spock. Is he at Mr. Spock if it's immediately Shatner? Yeah, right? He says Mr. Spock after every sentence I'm pretty sure Alright, I'm gonna do an impression I'm gonna do it Cause you have to? No, cause William Shatner is just a guy How much wood would a woodchuck chuck If a woodchuck could chuck wood? I'm pretty sure When he's just talking in interviews That's just how he talks normally off camera That's how he talks Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm trying to remember the commercials he did Oh wait you didn't say Mr. Spock though So I'm on No no that's his character Oh okay Yeah he did all the commercials for whatever that travel thing was Expedia It was one of those travel officer Expedia Travelopathy You know the disease Priceline Oh yeah Priceline We're back to Mark going first Oh boy Yay!

21:06So Mark you have to do She sells seashells by the seashore as Scooby Doo Rookie. She Wait the list doesn't apply here right? She had legs for days raggy There wouldn't be R's for she it'd just be she or not Well he says raggy instead of shaggy Oh god he does Rerals rerals by the re-roar. That's actually really good I think. There you go. Thank you Thank you. Wait, is it me? Yes. I went last the first time. Right.

21:43Rerolls, rerolls. Ry the re-roar. Ry the re-roar? Is that how he does it? It was very good, man. That was good. That was good, yeah. Like, was he a horse? Come on, come on. Hey. Listen, if you're allowed to leave during my episode, I'm going to consider doing that here now. Uh, re-rolls, re-sells, I re-re-roar. Re-shells? I forgot that one. Re-shells, re-shells. I figured out how to say an S just for this one word. Raggy? What a thing to come up for the S's. Yeah, really not great. Let's move on immediately. The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music.

22:35That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Now lime comes first. 7up, flip the sip. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports.

23:18Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah, we all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what. I think that might be them knocking on the door because Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. Dude, them or the FBI? I'm not 100 % sure. Yep. When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up. Where there's a will, we're on our way. Uber, on our way.

23:54Download the app today. Bob, you're first. I'm second. Mark's third. What is this tongue twister? Is this an established tongue twister? I don't know. How can a clam cram in a clean cream can? What the fuck is that? Okay, but you have to do your best clown impression for this. Like a bozo the clown type thing. Any clown? I mean, I'm kind of thinking like, you know, default kind of... I can't... I'm second on the impression list. Just do a clown. Okay. What you think a clown sounds like. the stereotypical kind of clown voice. Yep, I know what clowns sound like because I see a lot of clowns. Hey, kids!