Size Matters (Part 2)

0:00For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around, lemon forward sodas, even lemon forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them and squeezed out the truth.

0:19That's lemon propaganda right there. But now 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Join the 7up rising. Flip the sip. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast instead of doom scrolling? Smart move. Another smart move? Getting help from one of State Farm's 19 ,000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto. Bundling. Just another way to save with the personal price plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

0:57Your vehicle? doesn't just get you from here to there. It's a bridge to the people and places that matter most. It's how you show up for your family, your community, and everyone else that depends on you. That's why for 125 years, Firestone has been building tires with one thing in mind, to deliver products that are as reliable as you are. Firestone, always dependable since 1900. This episode is presented by Panda Express. It shouldn't be difficult, and maybe it's a bit silly, but we've all been there. Sometimes saying I love you is just hard, whether it's your partner, someone in your family, a good friend.

1:39But when you order tasty, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express, they'll know what you mean. Because sharing some delicious orange chicken, or my personal favorite, the honey walnut shrimp, that means more than words, right? So, have you eaten yet? Order now, or find your nearest Panda Express.

2:22Bob generates festive Einstein Rosenbridges, scratches up Psycho, pumps Gump and Johnny's. From Smell-O-Vision to holiday dates. Yes! It's time for... Size Matters, Part 2. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

2:54Hello and welcome back to Distractable. The only show you're ever going to need in your life or else. Or else what? Death. Oh, definitive. Well, I mean. Not definitive. Well, no, it's very definitive. If they don't, if it's not the only show in their life, then it's death. What if it's not the only show in our lives?

3:18Mark Fischbach:I guess we're all watching Distractable. It's death, Wade. The answer to your question is death. And yes, Bob, we are all only listening and watching to distract. In fact, listening and watching counts as two shows. Death. Oh, that's a tough choice. So you better be watching with no sound or listening with no eyes. I guess I'd rather watch with no sound because listening with no eyes, you have to remove your eyes. I feel like you could get rid of the visual however you might choose, but getting rid of your eyes is the safest bet. Yeah, safest bet. It's very safe. Yeah, the volume could pop on at any moment, you know, if it's just.

3:51devices like goes to your airpods or something it happens then death there's only one way to be sure anyway uh for all of you people out there that aren't um betraying us in the worst possible way that yields death uh my name is markiplier i'm here to be your host and guide through this beautiful experience i know you can't see me if you're hearing me and i know you can't hear me if you're seeing me but if you have a friend next to you and one of you has no eyes and one of you has no ears then you're good and you can cover all the bases and if you have a way to communicate into each other to get all the detail across?

4:22That's good in my book. I'm joined by these two also collaborative competitors, Bob and Wade. I'm one of those. By the end of this episode, you're going to know which one's which.

4:35Mark Fischbach:No, they never learn. We sound alike, look alike, smell alike. Indistinguishable. They don't even know which one we're married to. When the smell version of the podcast comes out, we're going to get so many more car crashes. It sure will be. Speaking of car crashes, this this beginning of this podcast is off to a rip-roar and start i can tell i really chose the good bits for my hostings oh come on i have a little more confidence i believe in you i i know i believe in myself but when i start threatening death upon our audience i have a funny feeling that it's it might not be the best strongest beginning that we could have to uh oh they like it you're just going for that r rating and that's a funny process that i could talk about at another time of getting getting the uh the rating there uh but i won't talk about it now because it's not my life that we're here to talk about.

5:19It is these guys' lives that we're here to talk about. So how are your lives?

5:23Mark Fischbach:Going pretty good. No, not too bad. Recently, we replaced an area rug. We had like this big area rug in our family room that took up most of the room and it was tucked under. We have like a corner couch and like another little sofa on the side. And I was like, ah, we need to replace this thing. It's old. It's gross. Previous homeowners had left it. Their dog, I think, had pottyed on it. Our dog smelled that. We're like, we need to mark it too. And it was like, Let's get rid of this nasty thing. How hard could it be to lift up a couple sofas remove a rug remove a pad? Put a new one down might take like 10 minutes pretty easy Took like two hours to get this thing in properly and get it all laid out after removing the old one And apparently an old rug that's been laying there for like however many years doesn't fold up very nice So trying to like roll it move it get it into a like a garbage can ends up Get it's like a junk company, but it was a whole process I was like, finally that's done.

6:16Mark Fischbach:Got the new rug. It's nice. Got the padding underneath. It's oriented. Everything's perfect. And then, uh, I'm just a little sore from lifting the couch 500 times, but whatever, man. Oh man. I don't know if I was lifting wrong or if I'm just that out of shape or using muscles I never use my back for like three days, just like fully locked up. I was just like lemming around like, cause I could not just move with a normal, You know, classic lemming noise. Oh, lemming. Okay. Yeah, not lemon. Lemming. I thought you were making fun of Lem. That's a rune in Diablo 2. I don't know what else it is. A guy named Lem?

6:59Mark Fischbach:I don't know. You're the one who said you were lemming around. I guess he's one of the stooges. Lift smartly when you move furniture. And also, don't underestimate any task. It might surprise you with how big of a pain in the ass it is. I guess I just moved so I have a lot of perspective on how hard it is to move things around but I've seen that room I cannot imagine how you looked at that and you were like ah easy task those big couches you have in that room and it's a the thing in the it's a lot of dude the ones all modular the corner couch is like all modular because I guess that's how they put it together they can make it they can make the couch any size just by putting in modules so of course when we were trying to lift it to move the rug every single piece came undone yeah they're not designed to be lifted together.

7:42You have to take them apart and then you have to, it's how they, it's how that works.

7:46Mark Fischbach:Live and learn. What do you mean live and learn? I mean, we tried to lift the whole thing at once and then all of a sudden I just had eight pieces of a couch. That might be an exaggeration. I had a lot of pieces of couch. I mean, I'm impressed that you were able to lift it all at once in the first place. I mean, that is, that is quite cool. And also I understand how you hurt your back. Yeah. That sounds like probably the point where you hurt your back right there if I had to guess. Corner sofa. Not meant to all be lifted by one person at once. I mean, it was just Molly. My family was coming to help us put the new one in.

8:15Mark Fischbach:They were just like, oh, it sounds like you guys might need some help. And we're like, no, we're fine. And they came and helped anyway. But I did lift it myself a few times. Wait, were they already there? Did they hear you wheezing from down the road? No, they were really excited because they got us the new rug as like a Christmas present. So they were excited. They were like, it looks like it's been delivered. And we're like, yep, installing it. Right now it's going better than you could think and they're like hmm sounds like you need help. Yep, please dear god help us No, that sounds lovely.

8:46That sounds very nice.

8:47Mark Fischbach:I thought you said no for the help now You're saying yes for the help you just make stuff up Well, they said we said no originally when this is the rugs me We can do it and then whenever we removed the old rug and we were talked to them They're like yes, actually, please help us for the love of God help us All right Well, you need to call them up and corroborate this because there's a lot of lies being thrown around This is an evolving story right now No no no no no a lot of truth Hold on yeah she's telling the truth Yeah see that was the truth You just got your mom on the line just waiting to talk to you Mama minion 666 Yep alright thanks mom Love you son Love you too mom I know she doesn't say that Which part love you I don't know just part of that really stuck out to me I'm not gonna So if anything, my mom's at the stage of life where I don't know if everyone hits this stage, but she tells me she loves me a lot.

9:38Mark Fischbach:To the point where it's been happening for like a year and a half. But every time she says it, I'm like, something horrible has happened. What's wrong? Why would she tell me this? Why would she say these words to me? Why? No one knows. She said period this time instead of exclamation mark. What does it mean? She's also the person who's like, hey, we need to talk. And does the single K responses. My mom's a texting anxiety inducing nightmare sometimes, but very loving. Very loving. Worst username of all time, but very loving. Well, we can't all have the greatest username of all time. I'm not saying it's mine, guys.

10:09I'm not. That's not what I was trying to imply. None of us here have the greatest username of all time. Anyway.

10:16Mark Fischbach:Wow, but does your mom have a username? Is she like mom skirm or something? My mom have a username? Yeah. No? I know Mark's mom. My mom literally her username is MamaMinion666. I thought that was a joke. I didn't realize that was a real joke. I thought that was a bit. That is a real username. I thought you were roasting your own username you made up for the bit. Nope, that is my mother's username. That's tough. It is. Wow. Anyway, that's my life. That's all right. That's very funny. New rug goofing. New rug. That's it. There's a lemon around. This guy limbs. Well, thank you for that. That was really informative.

10:56um bob how's your life i'm currently in that stage uh post move where there are wormholes forming uh and consuming and producing different parts of uh stuff that i know that we own there is a box it's the holiday season we we usually put out christmas lights and i know that there is a box full of christmas lights i put out like a few but not like all of the lights last year because we had just moved. Actually, that wasn't last year. But anyway, I was lazy. We had a baby. It was hard. But I know, I know that we have a box that was in the garage that's full of Christmas lights. And I have looked inside of every fucking box in the entire house, in every room, in every closet, in every bedroom, the box.

11:47And it's not even like it got, it was on a truck for like five minutes from the old house to the new house unless it fell out in the stretch of road i i don't know what happened but this is not the only thing that that's happening with i'm at that part of i don't know if this is a thing you guys get but every time we move there's shit where it's like either a thing you know that you packed that you know that you have it's gone forever or something that you thought you got rid of like there was i forget what it was but there was something that i hadn't seen since we lived in california so like it's been a few years where i was like unpacking a box and I pulled it out and I was like, holy shit, it's haunted.

12:24It came back to us. Like I put this in the dumpster and it climbed back into our box in the thing and like toy storied itself back into our lives. So we're in that phase, which is kind of fun. But also where the I don't understand where the fucking Christmas lights are. It's time to put some Christmas lights out. And I have not felt very good because my ears been all fucked up. And I I'm pretty sure that they just got sucked into a wormhole or something. Like some mystery shit happened. Yeah, it really does sound like it. But I know that stage all too well. Each time I've moved, I kind of have a different problem where it's like it goes into a wormhole, but then the wormhole opens back up in the middle of the ceiling and just like drops all of my stuff on me.

13:06And I'm reminded that I have way too much shit. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. Especially my sock drawer. I get all of the unused pairs that other people get, lose in their laundry machine. It goes into the laundry wormhole, appears in my sock drawer. I have socks I've never seen before in my life It's absurd Dude you never know when you're gonna need A micro USB To USB B type B You never know when you're gonna need that cord But it's gonna come up And if you get rid of that cord The next year and a half The span of time It's gonna happen And you're gonna be like man I had one of those

13:45Mark Fischbach:I knew I should have kept it for decades See, the problem is you eventually find it, or you eventually find that you need it, and then it's buried under all the other things like I'm eventually going to need, and you never find it again. You know why USB-B was made? Do you guys know why? Because someone had a device that was too narrow to put a USB-A slot on? I honestly don't. It's literally their solution to the orientation problem. USB-B, for those that don't know, it's the one that's kind of like rectangular, but the other way, it's vertically tall and got a weird notch in it. So you couldn't put it in the wrong way.

14:20And it's fine. But nothing uses it besides printers. And printers are already the most useless piece of shit that you've ever used in your life. So of course they would use the standard that nothing else ever uses ever. No, you know what? You know what I've run into that uses a lot of that shit? Audio gear. I've had multiple audio interfaces where it was like, it came with the cord, but it's like a three foot long USB-A to USB type B thing. And I'm like, well, I need it to plug into my computer, which is way the fuck over there. I need like a 12 foot long version of this cord, which doesn't exist.

14:55But yeah, I don't know why printers and audio interfaces. And I actually do own an external hard drive that has a type B plug, but it's like the only one I've ever seen. Because most of the US, most of the external hard drives have that really skinny one. What is that called? I don't even remember. It's like the really skinny one where there's like a notch off center. It's like super It's wider and skinnier And it's a USB But it's not a type A or type B The two side by side but one smaller Right I don't know which one that is That's a weird one We've talked about this before But whoever is inventing all the plugs and shit Just give up and let everyone use USB-C Holy fuck

15:36Mark Fischbach:Until next year whenever a new better one's invented The printers used to be such an integral part of our lives man. It's wild to think like I've not used a printer in probably like six years. Oh man. Amy was about to rage, throw this printer out the window because still to this day, it is not easier. They have not figured it out. They're still like, cause they restrict it because of people worry about people counterfeiting money or something like that, or documents or stocks or whatever. But it's just, it's absurd at how difficult it is to be like, okay, it's connected to the network. I have the app it sees the printer it's all good to go hit print Paper jam it doesn't work didn't get anything there's no paper anywhere in there It's like completely empty of paper you shove paper in it's like Paper jam it doesn't mean what spat the paper back out I don't know it's just dude it's on purpose We recently had to buy a new printer and I was like I'm not buying some piece of shit If I get a nice one, that means it will work, right?

16:44Mark Fischbach:No such thing. That takes me back to working at the federal courthouse and the clerk's office and having to use the copy machine that broke at least three times a week. Because when you're printing like court documents and court cases out, those are not small files. So it's like you're just printing hundreds of pages every time anyone needs anything. Yeah. And that fucking thing, I swear every 10 pages it jammed. and it wasn't always something we could fix. We had to call for help. It was the worst. It was the worst. I never want to deal with printers or copy machines ever again, as long as I live.

17:15Mark Fischbach:All in favor of abolishing printers. Aye. Aye. All right. Motion passes. That plug mark is a USB micro type B. Very thin, very wide one with the side-by-side bits. Of course it is. It's a micro B. It's a micro B. That's good. That's very good. All right. Good joke. Good joke, man. Good joke. Hilarious. The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda.

18:03Now lime comes first. 7-Up. Flip the Sip.

18:35Mark Fischbach:This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. The holidays are the best. You get to hang out with the family, eat loads, drink eggnog, and give gifts, which I'm getting gifts. It's always better than giving, I think. Are you saying we have issues, Wade, or do we not? I have issues. I can't speak as to we. Well, who are you judging? Yourself? It's so easy to subscribe to somebody like, oh yeah, I'm going to use this every day for the next 10 years. I'm going to play this game, I'm going to watch this, then all of a sudden, completely forget about it. Next thing you may have been paying for a subscription for longer than you'd like.

19:05Well, that doesn't make any sense. But you know what else might help? Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps fine and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has saved users over$2.5 billion, including over$880 million in canceled subscription alone. Their 10 million members save up to$740 a year when they use all the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash distractable today. That's rocketmoney.com slash distractable.

19:36I'm not gonna spell it. Will you? Rocketmoney.com slash distractable.

19:43Alright, are you ready to move on to the actual meat of the matter here? Oh, I want some meat. Oh wait, I don't even remember the name of this one. Uh, Sam or whoever's editing this, help me out by putting in the name of this game that this is a sequel to right here.

20:01You remember that game that we played where I give you a quote and you make it shorter? We're doing that again. I've got more quotes and you've got more or less words. I have way less words. You have no idea how less words I have. For everyone at home, this game is pretty simple. I give them a quote. They're going to take turns by removing a word or not just removing a word, making the quote one word less, but still comprehensible. They're allowed to change up the wording. They're allowed to change up the words themselves, the order. So long as the meaning of the quote is still comprehensible by the end of it, it can go all the way down to one word if the meaning is still comprehensible.

20:43I think some of these are more challenging than others to do that on. And then at the end, we'll have a special bonus round just to mix things up a little bit. did we do one word at a time last time yeah one word at a time less so whatever the number of words in the quote i'll read the quote to you i'll read it again if you want and then you'll start you'll say the quote but one word less i'll define how many words and then you one and one i think we allowed you to jump down you could go shorter if you wanted to it's risky play but i won't allow you to go too much farther you can't go straight from the quote down to like three words uh but if it if it's like if it's not exactly one word less i'll be like it can be at least less than the previous competitor sound fair yeah uh heads is wade uh tails is bob to go first what is that that looks like tails to me looks like tails all right bob you're up first your quote is from the movie psycho oh i couldn't make this easy on you i see i've never seen psychoside.

21:47I didn't even know this was a quote in the movie. A boy's best friend is his mother. A boy's best friend is his mother. Seven words. A boy's best friend is his mother. All right. Whenever you're ready. A boy's best friend is mom. That's how you do it. That's good. All right, wait till you that's six gotta go less a boy's bestie is mom Oh, that's pretty good. That's five. So I have to go for yeah You're gonna go for you boy mom bestie. I'll take it three. Do we have three boy bestie? Mom. All right, that's three. Can you do two am I allowed to set the scene? Yes, absolutely Okay. Please, please set the scene.