That Sounds Bad!

25:49Mark Fischbach:But the line would wrap around the building and then come out onto like the bypass that would block up traffic. And you had to go and wait forever to even get your donut. And then you get there and you're like, I want this donut. I don't know strawberry frosted like we're sold out would you like this cake donut I'm like no I don't want I just waited for 40 minutes for the strawberry long lines and disappointment because the ones you want they're limited in quantity they can't possibly paint another whoa what kind of donuts does this place have hey pink 76 you know that's how you get your strawberry do you know how donut donuts are made with magic paint donuts what the hell's going on you just put some little paint on it's not strawberry but no they're like we got the ugly cake thing dude i like cake dough cake donuts are delicious not when you want the strawberry frosted well you just gotta modify your expectations all right inconvenient that's great all right bob another thing about donuts when you're in like a group setting they're almost always a letdown you show up to the office show up to the set we've been on set mark has done a lot of show up and you see it and you're like ah they got a box of donuts all right i was running a little late i skipped breakfast today i would really love to have a donut that sounds fantastic god i hope they have some chocolate glazed or what i don't even really care i just hope they have a good i hope it's not like jelly filled powdered covered donut that's gonna make me a mess for the rest of my life oh don't even whatever i'll eat it and then you go up to the box and you're like, oh, I'm starving.

27:23This is what I needed. And you open the donut box. And for some fucking reason, there's one quarter of one bear claw in the box. One, who cuts up and touches donuts in a public box of donuts? Two, who leaves one quarter of one donut? And three, why is the box still there if there's not even one entire donut in it? It's always like that. I've never opened a box of donuts anywhere other than my own house and found a whole donut in it, let alone multiple that I could choose from. At this point, there's a certain point where you realize, right? And so sometimes you see it and you're like, I'm not even going to look.

28:02That's probably fucking day old donuts. I don't even care. But you forget sometimes. And when you really need it, that's when you forget. And you're like, there's donuts. There's hope. And then you open it and it's fucking sadness. and anger and it makes your day worse every single time man those true words very bad wait

28:22Mark Fischbach:you grab a donut you're ready to take your bite take it real interesting good flavor maybe at first and then we zoom into the throat as the donut comes down

28:35Mark Fischbach:mushroom cloud inside of you why because not a single fucking nutrient just entered your body You just ate nothing but greasy, fat, and sugar and exploded within you, telling your body, I don't want anything actually to eat. What I want to do is die 20 years younger. Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. Hop, hop, hop, hop. Arm of fucking ghetto. There's fallout happening right in your butt. Hope you have a shelter built. You don't. There go your insides from all the grease, sugar, and fat content of probably the worst combination of things you can eat outside of directly eating poison or like bleach or something.

29:11Mark Fischbach:So congratulations for all of the nuclear waste building up in your gut. Because you're going to be seeing that thing expand soon. Trust me, it does. It catches up. Yeah, you're right. Donut Armageddon. That's pretty bad. Bob. Okay. Donuts, right? You know donuts. You've seen donuts. They have a fatal flaw. They're too soft. You don't want food to be too soft like that. You know what could go inside of a donut? Jelly, cream, razor blades, poison tablets, anything. Small animals, worms. Who knows? Donuts are designed to be filled, which is sold as a feature, but they're so soft you could slide something and you can't even see.

30:03Can't even see the hole where it went in. You could be handed a donut with a dozen razor blades in it and not even be able to tell there was anything wrong with it. And you take a big bite, and boom! Razor blades in your mouth. Alright, I mean, that does sound bad. I don't like that. Alright, Wade? Revelations twi - No, I -

30:26Mark Fischbach:I think I'll concede to the razor blades. Alright, yeah, okay, alright, okay. Razor blade donuts, alright. That was a horrifying visual. That sounded so bad. I thought I had it with the nukes. I gotta look at every donut you see for the rest of your life with a little, with a little contempt. Now the razor blades were a step up. I can't deny. All right, Wade, it's your turn to go first. All right. You're gonna, uh, you go outside. It's a bright, sunny, beautiful day, perfect temperature. Birds are singing. Make this sound bad. All right, let me set this in one more time. It's a bright, sunny day.

31:00You go outside. It's a bright, beautiful, sunny day. Perfect temperature. Slight, just the lightest, beautiful breeze. It doesn't even tussle your hair, but it cools. That's so refreshing. And then the birds are singing and grass, green trees, leaves. Beautiful nature.

31:15Mark Fischbach:Well, let me tell you why this really fluffs my feathers a little bit in the wrong way, Mark. Because I walk outside, it's a beautiful sunny day. There's a light breeze. It doesn't even tussle my hair. And then I'm reminded, Mark, I don't have hair. I'm bald. And you know, every time I go outside and it's a beautiful sunny day with a light breeze, I'm reminded there is no hair. I could get sunburn and my hair doesn't blow in the wind anymore and that kind of takes a little bit of it out for me you're right okay I get it I'm sorry I didn't realize there are some people that can't enjoy that well sensitivity training might do some good I guess all right all right come down there Wade you slow your roll a little bit all right it's a beautiful sunny morning you're outside you've gone to your favorite park you're out there to enjoy some nature and you start your walk.

32:00Ah, excuse me. Oh, excuse me. On your left. Oh, a bicycle. Oh, fuck. You know who the fuck is outside? People. People are outside. Every time I've been outside, try to enjoy nature or a beautiful day, there's always someone there to ruin it. There's always some kid on a bicycle or a skateboard or with a remote control car or a dog that's not on a leash for some reason in a public park, or there's always some stupid person out there ruining that shit. The only place you're safe from people is inside your house or in the house of a trusted friend or associate, where you know no one who's going to ruin it is going to be there.

32:43Maybe the backyard is safe, but even in your own backyard, you can have shit ruined by people. Outside stinks. That's a good point. All these great weathers and fun things draw other people, and people are naturally terrible. We all know this to be true. Awful. Wade.

32:57Mark Fischbach:Not the people outside you gotta worry about. It's them. They're watching. Inside, you can go ahead, you can search and make sure there's no bugs planted on your lamps or your light sockets, but outside, there could be cameras anywhere. The birds themselves, they're drones. Who's watching from the moon? The government. Is there even a moon? I don't know. The earth is flat, so why is there a round thing in the sky? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me. So I'm outside, and I'm reminded of all the things out of my control and all the people Watching me that want to take me take my brain and put things in my butt.

33:25Mark Fischbach:Yeah, I don't want to go outside It's awful because all it is is chaos out of my control and they they control it all all right, man Okay, cool That escalated quickly. Yeah, Bob. Can you go worse than that? It's a beautiful morning. Maybe it's in the past. Maybe this is from another generation Beautiful August morning Sun's coming up Lovely day, you're outside It's about 8.15 in the morning August 9th 1945 Beautiful, lovely morning In your home city Of Hiroshima, Japan And all you want to do Is stand outside And soak up some sun Oh, what's that rumble in the distance this might need to be cut out i'm having second thoughts about this no it's so funny it's so funny oh man look that might be one of the worst mornings a person has ever had it's funny in this context but also pretty serious pretty bad pretty bad pretty bad hard to hard to imagine much worse can't ever joke about that thing much like other things that we can't make fun of for sure i'm gonna give you a point for it but it's not over wade can you go worse i just want you to know i had written a couple things to escalate and my last one was looking up the sky one last time before nuclear war he's got you beat he's got you beat that was where i had it ending so uh great minds huh great minds what is worse for you than that i don't know i don't know you concede you can concede i don't want to but yeah yeah i got i don't i yeah all right that's it razor blades you look up at the clouds and razor i thought at first that's where you're gonna go just like you're looking up la-di-da ah my foot razor

35:37congratulations bob that's two in a row you're on a roll feel great about that one it's right back to you to start and you're gonna make sex sound bad just limbs and sweat just sticky just rubbing there's a lot of rubbing if you're not prepared for the rubbing there's a lot of chafing just get it just you know just like yeah you know it's like a really disinterested sex ed teacher all right listen you don't want it's not it ew yeah you both are sex ed teachers teaching a class about how abstinence is the right path all right wade sex may be fine for some and it's

36:28Mark Fischbach:a cooperative activity one of my favorite animes and mangas solo leveling i don't need a partner the odds of having someone else get in my way and that caused me extra time and stress whenever i know i can get the job done faster and more efficiently no thank you i'm gonna i'm gonna allow this but i'm like you made masturbation sound good as opposed to sex sounding bad so Well, it's better. I'll let it pass. I'll let it pass. That's the one warning. That's right. You will Yeah, I've determined it for you. I may not have thinking about it good. All right, Bob Alright sex sex happens with another person You'll feel what they're doing to you and you'll feel what you're doing to them and you you'll kind of have an idea What's going on but you know you don't get to know what are they thinking?

37:22What are they looking at? Are they looking at your hips? Are they looking at your chubby thighs? Are they laughing at your physique? Are they laughing at your technique? Are you doing a good job? Are they happy? You think it's going well. Do they think it's going well? Are they satisfied? Was that fake? Are they just pretending? Are they faking it right now? Wait a minute. Am I faking it? Wait, is this real? What's real? What's real here? You want to lose all sense of self? You want to disassociate so hard that you barely even exist for a while? Yeah, go ahead Have some sex I love a dissociative crisis That is true You will entirely lose your Sense of personhood Happens to me every time

38:11Mark Fischbach:Wade, worse Life with your partner is a beautiful dance, a tango You guys have it all figured out You know how you divide up the home chores, the work life Raising kids, so on and so forth You have similar interests You go and you see your movies together. You go on your walks. Everything is a perfect yin and yang. And then all of a sudden, one night, you have one drink too many at the bar. And all of a sudden, you wake up and go, huh, what happened? Who's that? Oh, sex. Wrong person. Now my whole relationship's in luck. And all kinds of fucked up. Just because of one bad sex? I'm sorry. I'm on a keto diet, but I ate a roll.

38:51Mark Fischbach:I break my diet and it's okay. But I put my dick in the wrong hole and all of a sudden it's all gonna end sex ruins everything

39:03Wow, I didn't see that

39:11All right, okay That that's for sounds real bad man. You're right all blows up Bob. Can you make it sound worse? Do you like movies? there's one specific movie i've seen that i wish i could unsee stop reading my script that i think will make you think twice about ever having sex ever again for any reason ever seen the 2007 film teeth damn you the story that's a comedy horror comedy in air quotations about a woman whose vagina has teeth Yes, this is real This is a real medical condition This is not fabricated for fictional movies This happens And there's no way to know Until it's too late There's no way for you to be able to tell It's a gamble every time Maybe you like gambling with your dick But for me, I say it's not worth it Just imagine the teeth Vividly imagine it It's almost like there's razor blades in there that's exactly the motif i'm i'm riffing on yes that was great yeah that sounds horrible yeah i remember in that movie when the doctor gets his fingers bitten off he goes

40:36so i'm giving you a point for vagina dentata vagina dentata what a delivery yeah i'm actually uh screen sharing with wade wade right now so i'm just stealing all your ideas directly off four years.

40:48Mark Fischbach:Dude, I had to double check and make sure I didn't still have the document up from the one-man show. Alright, Wade, you got one chance to go higher. Heath, pretty bad. Kind of a one-off instance. I want you to imagine for a moment a world of superheroes and supervillains, right? Imagine if we could all just get like a little shot and all of a sudden we could develop a superpower, but we don't know how that's going to come to fruition. Some people can fly. Some people get super strength. Some people come magma. some people get really small and climb into dicks but then they sneeze and explode and there it goes you never know what kind of horrible sexual shenanigans might come up you never know if there might be teeth or worse than teeth or razor blades uh maybe whenever someone farts after uh they have a nuclear explosion come out this world of superheroes could be amazing but also you got more than teeth to worry about because any kind of jizz or cum or sensation or scream or laugh or spit could be acid could be anything everything is a gamble every time you even go to hold someone's hand it could melt your fingers off much less putting your dick in there this world of superheroes could be great but it has a dark underbelly of sex explosions melting pain screams and that little tickling sensation you can never quite get to go away which is kind of itchy after a while yeah that does sound bad that sounds worse than just teeth i'll give you because you You made me remember the boys.

42:18Mark Fischbach:I kind of stole everything from that. Yeah. I stole it. That's right. All right, Bob. Let's put a time frame on this. Let's say just as a specific example, it's not what you think. Calm down. Okay. I thought of the 1945. Perhaps it's August 9th again, but it doesn't matter what year it is. Okay. And it's definitely in like the 2000s or later. Maybe it's August 9th of this past year. Do you know what it means? If you had sex on August 9th of this past year, it means that in less than a month, you're going to be a parent and you're going to be responsible for an entire other human being. And there's all kinds of stuff that comes along with that.

43:13And some of it is great. And some of it involves terrible, horrible, unthinkable things. And some of it involves poop being on parts of you you didn't know poop could get on. And some of it involves furniture you own never smelling the same. But there are a lot of aspects to it. And unless you're ready for that shit, and unless you really mean that shit, you should just stay away from it. Because God knows how much you're having sex these days. How many kids might just be cropping up left and right. Who knows? Yeah, watch out for that shit. Unless you're a woman, then it's way less of a surprise, but, you know.

43:51Still, whoa. Still, whoa. All right. Here's my logic here. That's definitely the scariest thing in the world to some people, but to some people, it's what they really want. They want that weirdos, I know. Very strange people. Just bizarre, right? I think there are probably a subset of people that want the lava cum, But it's probably a much smaller proportion of people that think that it's good than that it's bad. So can I clarify that I was I was specifically thinking of this in the context of we're like teaching a high school health class. And then I think the breakdown of high schoolers who want to have kids on purpose is probably a lot lower than the general population.

44:34Mark Fischbach:That is scary. It's it's probably true. It probably is very scary. I'll take a stab and give it to him. I'll take a stab at escalating from there. Well, he's the judge. He's the judge. I just felt like I could clarify. Wade is passing on this to take another stab at getting even worse than babies. This feels like the building on, right? Like I'm taking, we're taking each other's ideas and taking a step. That's the whole thing, yeah. Yep. All right. Why did I do this? Okay, so. You find that person. You meet eyes at the bar. They take a sip of their drink. You know what they're thinking because it's what you're thinking.

45:08Mark Fischbach:They want another drink. Ah, fuck. So you buy them a drink. You guys, you have some chemistry. You find out you have some stuff in common. You go home, you fuck like rabbits. You have sex here, you have sex there. All the sinful fuck that you can have. And then you find out you got pregnant. You're gonna be a dad. You don't even know this person's name. You don't remember their name. But, you know, I'm gonna be there. I'm gonna step up. Okay, I'm gonna try to raise this kid. You stick around. You get to know the person. Okay, we have some chemistry. We can make this work. And then the day of the delivery comes.

45:36Mark Fischbach:Baby's born. A doctor goes and goes to hand you the baby. and the baby bites the doctor's finger like oh that's kind of weird i had to do that baby's handed over to the mom baby doesn't cry it just sits there kind of looking like it knows something you don't and then you see the 666 tattoo on the baby and you realize you and sin have helped birth the antichrist because of your sex now you've got to raise the anti-jesus because parenting responsibility. How's he coming back to religion with this guy? You know, I wasn't falling the whole time, but I shouldn't have doubted. I shouldn't have doubted.

46:16That's true. What's worse than having a bunch of babies that you don't even know about, but maybe you do? The evilest baby. The evilest baby.

46:23Mark Fischbach:Hides the remote and all kinds of sick shit, that monster. Bob, what do you think? You got another? Oh, sure. Yeah, I could go worse than that. I got him locked and loaded over here. Alright, alright. Sex does crazy things to your brain. Empties you of all reason. It drains you of any thought. As soon as you get it on the brain, you're like, anything, anyone, sex. I need it. I gotta have it. And then one day, you snap back to reality. Oh, there goes gravity. Fuck. And you wake up, and you look over, and you're like, maybe we could do it one more time before I head out and never talk to this person again.

47:02And you're looking at their face the other way. Like, oh, it's weird. I can't really remember last night. This bedroom's kind of familiar. That perfume. That perfume's very familiar. It's crazy. Some strangely nostalgic about what's going on here. I don't understand. And then finally the person next to you wakes up. They notice you're awake. They roll over and they look you in the eyes and say, What a magical night, son.

47:38Mark Fischbach:The best part of waking up. Is that worse than Antichrist? Incest Antichrist. I don't know. Really? Think about it, Mark. Are you guys forcing me to choose? Mark, would you rather have Antichrist or Incest? If you let Wade win, you have to have Incest. That's the rules. As far as like what sounds bad, my face went more at Bob's. So I'm gonna go with his as being currently the leader. So wait unless you want to take another stab at going even worse. And then presenting me with another choice. You go out, there's a beautiful festival happening, right? And there's flowers everywhere. Everything is perfectly in bloom.

48:23Mark Fischbach:Everything is immaculate looking. You go to have a drink, best drink you ever had. You take a bite of food, the best bite of food you ever have and then the crowd parts and you see her standing there absolutely glowing a goddess the most beautiful thing you've ever seen and you go up and you strike conversation and she introduces herself and you start talking and all of a sudden she's giving you some signs and you're picking up on them and you're giving signs she's picking up on them and you guys go and you find a nice beautiful quiet spot in the flowers and you have sex like you've never had before in your life and then she tells you afterward her name Hera you know Hera Hera wait a second and then a bolt of lightning strikes nearby and fucking Zeus appears did you just fuck my wife because the things I can do to you will make Sisyphus feel like he's on vacation and you spend the rest of eternity paying for that sex and all the worst ways of torture you can imagine.

49:24Mark Fischbach:Fuck your mom. I call that Tuesday. Real value shows up in reliability. You don't have to second guess. Like a set of Firestone all season tires. They're designed to deliver confidence inspiring wet weather traction and a quieter ride no matter the road. Season after season. Firestone all season tires. For durability you can count on. Just like people count on you. Firestone, always dependable Since 1900

50:01Mark Fischbach:For eternity Fuck your mom I called it Tuesday Mom, I don't know how I thought we were done a long time ago Alright, I'm gonna say That's still That's still you could walk away and be like maybe worth it because you made it sound really good in the beginning there and if you'd go into more detail of what zeus and there's the whole thing where sisyphus he might be happy you know question jury's still out oh but you won't be the zeus will make sure you're not anyway i'm gonna go with uh bob on that round which means that he's he's one that was one mob fuck i'm talking about doing it for every day for the rest of your life and life is eternity oh is that the punishment he did throw that out there yeah every tuesday i thought you were saying that to be like huh fucking your mom that's what i do every tuesday compared to the punishment that deuce is gonna no no that was one of the that was one of the days of the week i think that was one of the punishments yeah i think oh i'm saying you're not doing the same thing you're not just pushing a rock up a hill he's making you do all kinds of shit for eternity okay well it still stands that Bob's made it sound really bad.

51:18Mark Fischbach:You know, the description was worse, but that's fine. You can, you want some variety in your life just to see if your body can take it. I get it. Yes. You know, this is just not making it sound bad, man. I guess. Anyway, I'm gonna give it to Bob. Um, he, the sex. Oh, son of a bitch. All right. Okay. We're closing it out. It's been a tighter race than you think because Wade, don't be so dismissed because Bob had me laughing real hard a few times, but you had me laughing hard consistently in pretty much all of those. so here's the points as they stand wait office intro microphone you had cheeseburger the truest laugh did you win donut no it just says donut oh donut armageddon doesn't tussle my hair made me laugh really hard dick in wrong hole ruined fuck your mom i call that tuesday that's a total one two three four five six seven eight points bob is agentic you are agentic you got a lisp point that I laughed at really hard.

52:13Fair. Give you a point for winning the coin toss. We have to get you voice lessons to be Torbek. Ideally from Torbek. You won the donut round. Hiroshima made me laugh really hard, which, you know, now that I say that out loud.

52:29Sunny Day, you won that. Dissociative sex thing. Very funny. Vagina Dentata, and then you won the sex round. So the sex one had a lot of good laughs. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. so it's close race still could be anybody's i have a document up and the only thing written

52:46Mark Fischbach:on this document at this point is std which yeah i can't believe neither of you touched on the std front of things i feel like we just leapfrogged right past it yeah that's okay i have i have google up and the last thing i googled trying to get my next retort ready was hitler mom name

53:07so i had plans but uh

53:14Oh, man, I Frenched Mark.

53:19Mark Fischbach:This went places, man. This went places. All right. How many bonus spins will there be? One. Oh, only one. Oh, God. If it ties again and I get another one-man show. Fucking crew. Mark gets the one-man show immediately again. All right. It could happen. It could happen. Only 30-letter words, Bob. We got to find 30-letter words. All right. Are you, what are we adding to this one? Uh, who had sex most recently? Ooh, unless you guys don't want to share that. We're all married here. Does that make that better or worse to share that? Got him. Got marriage. I got to text Molly. Molly, we got to go have sex so I can win next week.

54:01Mark Fischbach:Every day. Guys, can we take a 30 second, 30 second break for no reason before we spin? It was the most important spin in your life today. Come on. Free parking. Okay, so we add a point to free parking, and then there's a separate entry for getting free parking, right? Is that... Well, that means the final score just stands, right? Oh, right. Because that counted. That was a spin. Oh, that's true. That's true. I guess we do do that. Wow. What a useless spin. Great for Bob. Great for Mark. I'm the loser from this. I'm sorry, Wade. That was really anticlimactic. I thought that maybe there would be like a, oh, another tie.

54:35One minute. Man, you had some really funny ones.

54:39Mark Fischbach:Okay, better be anticlimactic than antichrist-actict. Yeah, you really go to the same places sometimes, huh? Eventually you get to the gods. And even Zeus, yeah, yeah, still. The gods. But congratulations, Bob, not to be so all poor, but I just feel bad because Wade has not won in a while. It has been a while. Long time. All right, we got it. Hold on, though. It's been a long time, long time. Bob, win your speech. That went really great. I think that was all around very successful. I have mixed feelings about what all I ended up actually saying, but you do what you have to do to win. It's how important this show is.

55:16It's how life goes. That's why I'm a winner. It's like, do what I gotta do. Thank you. That feels appropriate. Uh, Wade, lose your speech.

55:25Mark Fischbach:I've been sitting here thinking about how I could have made the last one sound even worse, and I was like, well, what if while lying there in bed, Hera rolls over and Zeus crawls out from inside her and drags you into the teethy chomps of vagina mess where razor blades and the flavor of kool-aid you don't really care for is all that's served and then like the meat's cold and it's just a really awful experience in there purple kool-aid oh wait wait whoa whoa whoa look i i like the color it's just gross it's just not a good flavor cool alas i didn't get to all the descriptors i did the best i could i thought we had a good back and forth i conceded a couple times where Maybe I should have gone further.

56:05Mark Fischbach:So I live a life of regret and failure. As all losers should. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Well, at least you recognize that, Wade, and you can correct your mistakes next time. If there is a next time, only one way to find out. Subscribe or follow this podcast to know. We don't know when we're gonna quit, but it'll be a shocking surprise. Better stay tuned to see when it is. Then you will cry. I always cry after. I cries all the time.

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