The Pee Covered Episode

12:10Ethan Nestor:Yeah. Get a hose in the top of Mark, just a skyline coming in and then get a hose out the belly button. Vodka, I assume. I have another hole that's conveniently intact. I don't want to drink.

12:23Mark Fischbach:What if we open a brewery and Mark is... I don't want to drink Mark's ass juice. I'm sorry. All right, fine. My belly button. Okay, whatever. I have a scar below my belly button.

12:33Ethan Nestor:Well, she's that. Yeah, tap into that. That'd be great. But that is actually what happens. You ferment alcohol. You ferment sugar into alcohol in your gut and you get drunk because it's already in your gut. So you absorb it right away. So you're like perpetually drunk because your body just won't stop producing alcohol. Which has another layer of joy for someone who has a sensitivity to alcohol in your system. Yeah. So when I had Skyline and the secret ingredient Skyline, and I'm about to be assassinated by Mr. Skyline. But the secret ingredient of Skyline is yeast, right? They use a lot of yeast in their chili, which gives it a certain flavor.

13:09and maybe that's fermenting an alcohol in my gut. And I know some biologist is going, No! No! No, that's not how I would work!

13:20Mark Fischbach:This is just a theory. I can't even say it's like a game theory. A gut theory. We did not put that much effort into the theories. That's really insulting, Matt Pat. Well,

13:30Ethan Nestor:Mark had it. Mark thought things. I bet on some idea board for Matt Pat's office, there is a body theory. to min max like working out bigger loads uh that's that's his next adventure he's gonna he's gonna start a podcast and write a book about min maxing body that's just a theory a sex theory i'd watch that what's the theories i don't know it's on that pat's board how to do how to be good at sex stuff i don't know like today we're gonna talk about what you should do with your hands all right are you trying to go in like this during should i put my hands in the air like i'm being held up at gunpoint no i just wondered how he's gonna rope five nests a phrase into it

14:25Mark Fischbach:what was the fnaf 2 like it was that chica that everyone loved was it bonnie there was one that

14:31Ethan Nestor:like people like i thought i was yeah it was wasn't it not the messed up old chica but the new Chica from the second one that everyone got real horny about.

14:40Mark Fischbach:Yeah, easy to tie into that. How would you have sex with a robot? How would you do it? Program a hole. Program a hole? The programmers in the pocket. No! No, that's how it works! You can't program a hole. Not with that attitude. You wouldn't download a hole, would you? Whoa. No, you upload. Whoa. You know, you wouldn't download a car. Well, you don't know about cars. All right, man. I literally drove here. And you're renting. Anyway, what were we talking about before that? Guts. You're allergic to Skyline. Right, I'm allergic to Skyline. And it's not a severe allergy, but if I eat Skyline, I get a flush that is similar to when I would drink, just like if I had one Schmiernoff ice.

15:28Mark Fischbach:Schmier? Is it Schmier? What is Schmiernoff? Is it Schmiernoff? It's Schmiernoff. Oh. Okay.

15:34Ethan Nestor:I thought I had something to add, but he's right. That was it.

15:37Mark Fischbach:It's fair enough. Yeah. Anyway, so that's the goal. Does that mean it's Schmeich's Hard Lemonade? Oh, yeah. Wouldn't it be Mike Sh... Damn it. You're so much smarter than me.

15:48Ethan Nestor:Mike Shard Lemonade. It connects the words together. Mike Shard Lemonade. It makes you say it like a pirate. Mike Shard Lemonade. Or it's more like a boat, Captain, but whatever. Yerdy-dardy-dar. Don't say that. Dar-dee-dar-dee-dar.

16:11Ethan Nestor:That was a SpongeBobby. Yeah, you know what that was? That was Mr. Krabs. That's what that was. SpongeBobby boy. We're going to have some Mike Shard Lemonades. Dar-dee-dar-dee-dar. Yeah, I remember that episode. Probably. Weird product placements in that show.

16:29The Lemonati has spent decades keeping Lemon on top and Lime in the shadows. Their Lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new Lime Lemon Soda. Now lime comes first. 7-Up. Flip the sip.

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17:54Ethan Nestor:I have a bold proclamation. Okay. I have never had so much pee on my skin as I have in the last several days. What? Given that I know... Human pee! I know what event you were at, like, a few days ago, and I'm kind of curious what might have been going on. Oh, that's the one. You don't want to know. You don't want to know. No, actually, right on Monday of this week, I think it was kind of an accident, but it ended up happening. On Monday of this week, we've been trying to potty train James for a while. And it started with just like, we'll just let him sit on the potty. We'll try and catch him. And there are a bunch of strategies that are really intense.

18:38Ethan Nestor:Like, one of the strategies is he just doesn't wear pants or a diaper. And whenever he starts peeing or pooping, you just grab him and go, and run to the bathroom which sounds like the most insane shit i've ever heard of but the the strategy that we have gone with is set a timer for like it started at 15 it's at 20 minutes now you set a timer and you slowly lengthen the timer and every time the timer goes off james goes to the bathroom so that it's like he hopefully doesn't have an opportunity to go in his diaper you get in there and if he sits and if he goes he goes if he doesn't go it's fine it's like you make it fun and you have like books and you hang out and he gets rewarded for going and being good

19:20Mark Fischbach:it's like pavlov's dog in this when he goes to school one day like the bell goes off for next

19:24Ethan Nestor:period he's like oh no the timer it might okay we're unsure about the pavlovian things that we're building into our son but this is one of the methods that like it's online people are like it works but i trained my kid in one week but he's been doing really good he likes it generally and he does generally what he's supposed to do but he does not care if his pee is aimed into the toilet and so if you're not paying close attention because like i sit him on there and i get him situated so it's good but he sits there and he wiggles and he does stuff and he might stand up and sit back down and by the time he actually does go to the bathroom a lot of times you're just standing there and all of a sudden it's just like ah get that aim it down but he's doing really good and he's making progress gotta get potty trained so he could be ready to go to preschool because he's a smart kid and he's gonna need more mental stimulation he needs he needs to learn he's pretty much only happy if he's learning shit which is awesome but exhausting when it's like okay it's 45 minutes till bedtime i'm exhausted and james is like tell me about every animal in the sahara and i'm like god i only know like five that's why you did so good on the animal part yeah no i literally the quetzalcoatlus i know quetzalcoatl whatever that dinosaur i know so many more animals than i ever did in the rest of my entire life because james will just be like tell me about animals and and i'll be like well what about penguins and he's like i know about out penguins keep good new ones god i don't know i gotta go study i didn't know wasn't ready for the pop quiz uh that's delightful just make up animal that's dangerous you remember shit that's true i mean authors do it all the time have you gotten into mythical animals yet uh not so much that actually is an interesting thing he sort of developmentally he's starting to get to the place where he understands that stories exist in other worlds, kind of, but he really doesn't get that all stories aren't just things that happen in real life all the time.

21:37Ethan Nestor:So Mandy and I both really like Nightmare Before Christmas, classic movie, enjoyable movie. Terrifying for him. He loves the music. If you just play the music, he's all, this is Halloween. It is a terrifying movie. But the visuals of the movie and the characters of the movie, he is immediately just like we had a thing where we showed him like the first minute and after stuff started happening on screen at the very opening of the movie he was like it's scary and for like a week afterwards every time he went to bed we like do the whole thing he's all happy we read books we put them down we're like alright goodnight dude and he's all I'm scared of Halloween oh god and we're like it's not real it's okay it's a movie those guys can't hurt you the timing's bad because halloween's right around the corner so that's probably probably gonna work but like stuff he sees in real life that might be scary to other kids he's actually pretty chill about like he thinks we go to like menards and home stores and stuff and they have those huge witches and things and when we're at the store he's like ha giant witch and he thinks it's awesome but in movies and stuff like if it's too creepy or like nightmare before christmas is very like stylized and but if that existed in real life i wonder how hocus pocus that would be scary

22:54Mark Fischbach:because i would agree pocus but i was scared of uh was it billy the guy with the sealed mouth oh

22:59Ethan Nestor:yeah yeah he was scary yeah wait how uh james turns three in december oh so he hasn't achieved consciousness yet true consciousness i don't know what that means yeah when did you achieve consciousness oh i don't have any memories before i was like uh actually like three-ish but i have

23:18Mark Fischbach:I feel like two memories of being four.

23:19Ethan Nestor:He's had object permanence since he was born, so I feel like... Oh, that hardly counts. I feel like that's exactly what that is. Oh, no, not true consciousness. You got when your first memory, you've got when you realize your own mortal coil is slowly shrinking, and then 25, when your frontal lobe seals up like a trap. It seals up and stops growing or doing anything else. Am I still leaking? It can shrink. It just stops getting any bigger or more interesting.

23:46Mark Fischbach:Oh, yeah, it's leaking.

23:47Ethan Nestor:Yeah. All right. You're not going to get any shorter like some people do, but your frontal lobe is going to wither. I saw your head slightly tilt towards me, man. I saw it like it's like sucking to do. You're not getting shorter. You're in the prime of your life. I might be. Saying the word short doesn't just always mean it's about you.

24:03Mark Fischbach:On the bell curve of self-actualization, I'm on the wrong end of it now. Okay. What does that mean? That means I'm slowly losing myself. The music, the moment.

24:14Ethan Nestor:You want it. You better never let it go.

24:16Mark Fischbach:Oh, he said, bitch, you better never let it go. Is it what he said?

24:20Ethan Nestor:I'm not enough. I'm not an authority on that. You might be right. Do you know the M &M? Yes, I know the M &M. I like the peanut butter ones. Sorry. I do, though. Peanut butter M &Ms are the superior kind. Peanut. I prefer the peanut. Fight me. Take that, Ethan. I don't dislike peanut M &Ms. Yeah, anything that kills Ethan. Fucking love that. Man, I love guns. When we were on the time, I went... That dude is such a whimp! He's just so... He just let guns kill him! What an idiot! One bullet! That's all it would take!

24:53Mark Fischbach:Those stupid gun M &Ms we couldn't eat on tour.

24:57Ethan Nestor:You remember that one show we walked into the green room? It peed out M &Ms and AK-47 just stacked up on the table of the bag, and we were like, Get things out of here! Ethan will never make it!

25:14Uh, did you say what's going on in your life yet? Nope.

25:19Ethan Nestor:Oh, cool. All right. You're just not participating in this shirt. You got there.

25:24Mark Fischbach:Thank you. Yeah, it's a distractible shirt. I had to kill people to get it, but I don't really want to make that proclamation. No, it was just sent to me. Oh, that's true. Yeah. What? What? No delay. You guys speak in synchronicity.

25:39Ethan Nestor:One of us speaks at the same time as the other. and so does the other one. And we say the same thing. None of them are riddles or rhymes. Man, you really sounded so, at the same time there, I only heard one voice. Yeah, sounded like just, I was talking.

25:53Mark Fischbach:Alright, what's going on with your life? Uh, I hurt my foot. Got real infected. Was real scary for like a couple days because I was like, at what point do you go to the doctor for an infection? Like, when you just get like a scrape or a cut, it's like, it'll heal. You haven't been to a doctor for that? No.

26:08Ethan Nestor:I mean, it's getting better, right? Oh, yeah. It looks like I would have already gone to a doctor if it was on my foot.

26:15Mark Fischbach:A couple days ago, it was pretty shady. That's tough. How did that happen? I got fitted for dress shoes, and I wore them. They did not work properly. When you got fitted, did you tell them, it's wool. Yeah, well, no, I told them it was actually a little bit loose in the back. I was like, yeah, my foot's kind of sliding out a little bit. They're like, oh, no, no, no, these fit. Just make sure you slide all the way back, then tighten the shoe. and I was like, I've put on shoes my whole life. I feel like I've done that correctly. And they were like, the problem is you're wearing these temporary dress socks because they try them on.

26:48Mark Fischbach:The real dress socks are thicker. I'm like, they're really not, but okay.

26:52Ethan Nestor:What were you buying a suit at a fancy store where they assumed you were going to have like merino wool dress socks or something? They sold me the dress socks. Oh, so they shouldn't. Well, the real dress socks are thicker. Sell them these fake ones.

27:06Mark Fischbach:They have the little crappy things that like you try them on with right the little like put these on they're closer to dress socks than your real socks and they're like pantyhose or something but they were like oh no you're real you're gonna be perfect that'd be great and then like within an hour of wearing the shoes i was like this is unusual i've walked in dress shoes before ow did you slide your feet all the way back before you tighten i sure did my right heel was all bruised up but there was no blister or anything left foot was just like fucking die bitch and then man it felt like it but yeah it got real swollen real red no other colors it wasn't like green or anything i kept track of that discharge or puss oh a lot yeah that's concerning it was like three days of and you

27:50Ethan Nestor:didn't you didn't go to the doctor check in on that or even like text you know you can like message your doctor be like hey my foot's really infected and stuff's coming out i was busy with what you're not telling us what you were doing I don't know just busy it's not interesting you wouldn't want to hear about it

28:09Mark Fischbach:the thought in my mind was I might need a doctor but like I also don't want to go all the way to a doctor for a little scrape and he's like

28:16Ethan Nestor:on your phone I text my doctor all the time

28:20Mark Fischbach:I don't have my doctor text he's an older dude

28:22Ethan Nestor:you don't have like the app or like my chart or anything my doctor doesn't text me

28:28Mark Fischbach:I never did Okay. Well, it's... Yeah. It's me, guys. You know what?

28:33Ethan Nestor:That's on me. Because that's technology. And I should know better. That's true.

28:37Mark Fischbach:I don't know. But it was a little sketch for a little while. No, that looks bad, dude.

28:41Ethan Nestor:I would have definitely, like, at least asked a doctor.

28:44Mark Fischbach:This is almost perfectly healed. Two days ago?

28:47Ethan Nestor:That does not look great. That looks like it probably felt real bad. I just don't know how a shoe did that to you. Well, it happened. You didn't tie it right. I had to wear it a couple days in a row. You went forward and tied it.

28:57Mark Fischbach:Yeah. It was like an inch back there. Yeah, it was not a good time, but we're doing okay. Other than that, what did I do? You were busy, so. I was. Probably lots of stuff. Nope, can't think of a thing. What the fuck, man? What the fuck? Do you zone out of your whole life? I'm just doing stuff.

29:14Ethan Nestor:Do you have that click remote? Do you accidentally keep fast-forwarding through bits of stuff?

29:18Mark Fischbach:Sometimes it feels like it. Are you fast-forwarding right now, and we wouldn't know it? That would make a lot of sense. This is 100 % a moment I would.

29:25Ethan Nestor:What the fuck, man?

29:30Mark Fischbach:I might have just said that for the bit. I might not have. Oh, man. The Lemonati has spent decades keeping Lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their Lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Now lime comes first. 7up. Flip the sip.

30:08Ethan Nestor:Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu. And the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app.

30:28all right fine then i guess we'll just circle back to whatever the hell else is going on in

30:33Ethan Nestor:the world fun stuff right only good things good as far as i've heard i don't listen i listen like

30:39Mark Fischbach:wade listens to the news yeah there's no real way to address the news is there new iphones came out

30:46Ethan Nestor:how about them huh yeah that's pretty fine it's not really time for me to get a new one well i I have a 15, so it's like almost a couple years old, but also it still works perfectly fine. Oh! Oh. Sorry. Whoa!

31:02Mark Fischbach:I had a thought, and my thought involved me jerking for some reason.

31:06Ethan Nestor:Do you need to get it out? No, I can wait. I was just sort of bantering. It was not very interesting. You can go.

31:12Mark Fischbach:It's not that interesting, but it was something I did. You know what? Why don't we just let him go for it?

31:16Ethan Nestor:Yeah, I want to know now.

31:18Mark Fischbach:I pre-ordered the Switch 2, finally. and by pre-order I mean because I'm getting it comboed with the new Pokemon games that are coming out so I'm going to be playing Switch 2 soon, I don't know when it comes out I should check the receipt, I think it's October or something what month is it now? you just scroll the internet and you go Pokemon I did it in person, I'm looking for that word I know B-U-Y

31:42Ethan Nestor:you went to a GameStop and pre-ordered in person what is it, 2008?

31:46Mark Fischbach:I still have the GameStop card you have a power-up card?

31:50Ethan Nestor:I do, yeah. Oh, man. Do you pay for your power-up subscription annually?

31:54Mark Fischbach:Probably because I've never canceled it. This is great. I love this because not only did you go to a GameStop and buy this, but you didn't pay attention to anything else. Total vision. Big posters on the wall.

32:09Ethan Nestor:They're like, Pokemon, coming October 30th.

32:11Mark Fischbach:Well, at the time, they told me the date, but it was in an hour.

32:14Ethan Nestor:You didn't listen. Yeah, probably. Man, what do you do at restaurants? I don't retain. You're sitting there looking at the menu and the waiter comes over like, hey, welcome to Red Robin. Would you guys want to order your drinks? And you look up and you're like, what the fuck did you say to me? Who is this person? Why are they talking to us? It's getting to the point where I'm worried. Like, the next 10 years I might.

32:35Mark Fischbach:I'm just so distractible. This is where if we had like a midpoint of the show, we would freeze frame and then we would come back out of the conference. That'd be really good. We don't do that though. So it's just, you're just still here. You know other shows do that Where they have like soundbites This is why we're falling in the charts Because other shows have like soundbites going into the ads Even after our vicious attacks On those above us, we're still falling Yeah It was your guys' fault

33:03Ethan Nestor:I can't believe none of those other shows Got cancelled after what we threw out there I know, right? The shame of them, I think that would have pushed them off the internet

33:13Mark Fischbach:I thought Amy Poehler would be running for the hills After what you said I fear that we may have only given them promotion. Yeah. And made ourselves look foolish in the process. Yeah.

33:23Ethan Nestor:We should talk shit about our show because then that'll give us the same promotion. And we know lots of things about our show. Yeah. I don't.

33:32Mark Fischbach:I don't know a lot.

33:33Ethan Nestor:Yeah, no, you don't. You guys have gotten very techie. That's the thing. Like one of the hosts barely even exists. I think one of the hosts is secretly a cardboard cutout most of the time. Like a partially sentient cardboard cutout that can just say some things sometimes but has no idea what's really going on.

33:47Mark Fischbach:that is such a good idea

33:50Ethan Nestor:you're not going to remember it you don't even know what we were just saying

33:53Mark Fischbach:you said something, Wade's probably cardboard cut out you meant me, you didn't say it yeah we definitely meant you I agree, it probably would be me well, if we're going to have some kind of structure then I guess we've got to talk about I guess the world, the Maltese Falcon I don't know, it's from some show, but it came to mind

34:13Ethan Nestor:it's a movie, isn't it? isn't the Maltese Falcon like an old like Humphrey Bogart movie like where everyone's all I think maybe isn't he like an old school classic American actor Humphrey Bogart

34:27Mark Fischbach:like before our time by a while like black and white come on honey was he the frankly my dear I don't give a damn guy or is that someone else

34:37Ethan Nestor:the movie experts out there like no they're talking again is that from Casablanca? No, that's... Is that from Casablanca? No, that's not from Casablanca. He's in Cas... I shouldn't talk about this. I don't know anything about Humphrey Bogart. But I'm pretty sure, frankly, my dear, I just don't give a damn, like, it's the wrong quote, but it's what everyone says, too. But I don't know what the real one is. Frankly, my dear, I just don't fucking care.

35:01Mark Fischbach:Everyone gets the Darth Vader quote wrong, too. The know I'm your father one. People say that one wrong, too, actually. Yeah, Amy was listening to the episode where you guys shortened famous quotes. I said it was one of the funniest things. film me

35:20Mark Fischbach:was that the I'm ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille I gotta do it man remember when we had good ideas no maybe we should just come up with ways we could improve we should just do more part twos and threes some of those episodes are bangers I know right why do we keep coming up with new ideas dude I love stealing your guys ideas for part twos and threes I'm gonna keep doing it I know. All right. We got to brainstorm how we can be better. Oh, is that what we're doing now? No, no, no.

35:46Ethan Nestor:Do you have an idea? Well, I was just going to say, you've been in Ohio. You're allergic to Skyline. I was thinking we could just talk about Ohio stuff. But I think we've done that before is the other thing I just realized. No, no. We got to be better. How do we be better? Yeah. What are those other podcasts doing that we aren't doing? Go to lunch while filming. We should do that. That actually probably would be much better. I'm so hungry right now. I have not eaten any either.

36:07Mark Fischbach:I wasn't sure if we were going to. Mukbang. Mukbang. Mukbang.

36:10Ethan Nestor:Oh. we would be good we could between you and me and you're a pretty good eater but between you and me we could have we could finish a mukbang which i'm not sure if they do that or not because on those videos it always looks like way more food than any of those people could ever eat but i feel like we

36:24Mark Fischbach:could do it we could win i thought just eating was a mukbang is it a certain amount aren't it

36:29Ethan Nestor:all the like trendy mukbang videos is like it's a whole fucking table of food and then there's like two people and they're like mukbang i'm not 100 sure where the concept of i mean mukbang is Korean and muck is eat and bang is room I think actually so it's like eating rumor eat rumors oh my fucking phone don't you like me to do phone things yeah can you look up what the origin of mukbang is we could transition this to a restaurant

37:04Mark Fischbach:didn't work guys it didn't work excuse me can we have these six tables so we can set up our filming yeah no people film at restaurants all the time moknyon that's true

37:14Ethan Nestor:is eating yeah i don't want to be that moknyon is eating and oh yeah i shouldn't try it when a girk is next to a neon it becomes mong and then bang song is broadcast that's what this says that would make more sense yeah mokbang broadcast filming or eating the the ones i've seen because that I'm not into mukbang stuff is it's way more food than those people eat they just throw a bunch of it away like guaranteed I don't do that I don't want to waste food but we would eat I'm just saying we would do it well but you are going to say something about I was going to say there's multiple types of eating videos there's challenge videos where people eat a record amount or try to eat a record amount I need to lose weight man I need to do the opposite well actually these people are incredibly skinny most of the time bastards are good for them I mean you don't have to always

38:02Mark Fischbach:be so mean. I'll get them. We'll get them. Who are they? Let's do an episode where we insult them for being skinnier than me. We're going to skinny shame you assholes. I'm going to show you. All right. But mukbang is just eating a lot. I don't want to eat a lot. I just want to eat some. You always want to eat a lot. No, I've been cutting back. I've been cutting back. I've been trying to eat less. My window for eating is like noon to eight. No, noon to ten. Intermittent fasting. Kind of, but more so because I get really bad acid reflux if I eat after like eight or I want to get to eight eventually right now I'm stopping at 10

38:35Ethan Nestor:non-consensual intermittent fasting that's the coolest kind yeah well it's better for one it

38:41Mark Fischbach:gives me keeps you from snacking late at night and two it makes me feel better when I lay down so it just seemed like the right combo and it's like if I try to get a lot of eating done in the middle it's like okay I'll eat lunch I'll eat dinner and that'd be good for me I think we've officially run out of conversation topics so thank you everybody so much for being a part of this podcast experience, be sure to follow it or we'll kill you. Have a good day. Podcast out.

39:17Ethan Nestor:Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app. We just moved into our new house and I didn't realize just how close we were to the neighbors. That's when my friend told me about Blinds.com. Blinds.com isn't a medication, but it can improve how you feel about your home. Customers who shop at Blinds.com experience excellent customer service from consultation to installation.

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