The Perfectest Crime

34:03So the clue is Bob's glowing mouth area. Our culprit broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the crown of the blue prince, and stole money to send a message and to leave a mistrail of motive. The actual target in the White House was killed with an untraceable poison, then taken out, buried with a shovel. The money, then taken and put into the freezer. Kept his cold hard cash for later. I thought my glowing hands were going to be a red herring. But whenever I looked at my rival and saw that he had a glowing nasty face, I understood that not only was it not a red herring, but our glowing hands and mouth face were actually part of a bigger clue.

34:43Our culprit is not only committing the perfectest crime, but they're a pervert. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime. Did you forget a whole bunch of shit? Are you done? I think you forgot a whole bunch. Poison, crowbar, shovel, money, crown, chair, glowing hands, Bob Stain. I didn't know all those things. Wait, was the shovel used? The target was killed with the poison, then buried with the shovel. I think yeah for some reason in my head I was trying to keep track of it but you're so quick so I only need to give you guys one minute perfect that's great I don't know we're gonna keep adding things to this okay Bob I head back to the kitchen to see if there's anything glowing to look at over there is the is there anything on like the stovetop that's glowing there because you've looked in the fridge the fridge is open and there is a glow in the fridge oh I peek back in there.

35:38It says look in the cupboard. Do I get to do that or is that the whole clue? That is that's the problem there. I see there the problem is In the same continuous motion. I don't stop at the fridge I see that it says that and I go oh and keep scooting right on over to the cupboard I think yeah you should be able to you should be able to you should be able to do something so I feel like that's like a special thing. Like, I'm not choosing to do that. I like triggered a trap card and now I'm like, oh, in the cupboard. It says, look on the ceiling because the cupboard is open. You guys conveniently did this in a way, I think.

36:18And then you obviously continue to look up at the ceiling and it says, look under the body. Oh, I look at the floor to see if there's a body? Too dark. We don't know where that is, do we? Do I get to take any additional actions? Okay, alright. I'm gonna go ahead and say you would turn the light on, because you're like if you're following the traces, like ping pong, ping look down, and you can't see it, so you would go turn the light on, right? Then you see on the floor in the center of the room, which has been there the whole time, is a body. We're not very good detectives. I knew that was a mislead.

37:03I disregarded it off the rip yeah me too both of you dismissed it as too obvious perfect crime wouldn't leave a body clearly it's a alright I'll give you one minute the criminal clearly brewed the poison coated the edge of the shovel broke into the ambassador's house stole the cube of money and the blue crown put on the blue crown and the shovel to pose as the blue prince got into the gala at the white house accidentally bumped into Red Queen with the poison thus killing her much later sat in the resolute chair to make the escape. Wade was actually one of the guards because Wade was already secretly stalking the criminal and has not revealed that yet.

37:41And that's why his hands are all colorful. And that's also why my mouth is colorful because once we were here, the chair was here, Wade was here, the criminal was here, the shovel was here, and the criminal had used a crowbar to knock me unconscious. And then when I was still unconscious in the room, they wiped my face all over the fart chair because they thought that would be really funny. which it was to be totally fair and then they took the body of the other guard and laid it in the middle of the room don't you see it's the perfect crime I'll give you that one just because I think I started a little late so I think you had a little extra time for that oh man can't wait to squeeze in more than that in one minute alright the story is really gonna have to get tighter I see I see I see okay does that mean just for clarification does that mean the body you investigated it there so or is there somewhere to see I have not looked under it we just learned that the body is there I'm counting the body is a clue and then there's something else watching Bob when the lights were turned off did it seem like he went to most of the lights I couldn't tell you that yeah but I will okay I'll say you've got vastly more things you haven't seen with the light on than with the light off alright you don't say I'm gonna go back to the north wall.

39:01There's only one thing left to look at there, right? I think I looked at the desk, right? There's a couple things. You looked at the chair. You look at the chair. You couldn't look at the desk because it was dark. You tried. It was dark. Okay, I want to look at the desk now that the lights are on. You'll notice that there are two drawers on the side of the desk. That's of the thing of note. The other thing of note, it's also the resolute desk. It's actually the resolute desk. I will pick the closest drawer. The one closest to the front. They're top or bottom. So it's like drawer one or drawer two.

39:33Closest to the front? What the fuck? Top drawer. Drawer one. Okay, one. Okay, drawer one. Okay. You open up drawer one and you see what appears to be a shrink ray. Okay. Don't laugh. Don't laugh. It's a clue. This is a very serious crime. Well, just the description of what appears to be a shrink ray has me. I'm not calling you an expert in metaphysics or whatever it would be that actually applies to a shrink ray. But in your eyes, you're like, huh, I've watched Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. That sure looks like a shrink ray. As a swift action, can I try to use it on myself?

40:16You know, my game didn't account for that. But, you know, I say why not, I guess. All right, boom you shrink it is in fact a shrink ray everything that was I guess previous height is now out of reach

40:33Yes, but you could see under the desk I guess Maybe there's nothing under there don't even bother looking our culprit broke into the White House with a crowbar Planted the blue crown on the resolute chair, but stole money to give motive Money that was in the Resolute desk. The actual target was killed with the poison, undetectable. The body, taken, buried with a shovel. This vast amounts of money were shrunk with the shrink ray in order to compact it down in order to get it back out. Then put into the freezer. My glowing hands, Bob's glowing chin, I thought a red herring. But culprit, also a pervert.

41:12Did he use the shrink ray for more? I think we're onto something. We're going to find out what's in that other drawer and to find out exactly what he shrunk other than the money itself. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime. I love it, but I'm gonna give you one warning, because all you did was mention Bob's glowing mouth and insinuate something. Gotta tie that in. Gotta tie that in harder. But I'll give it to you this time. All right, Bob. I have to look under the body now, right? I did all of that. I have to look under the body now, so. You roll the body over. You notice multiple things. He is still wearing pants.

41:52You see two things that seem to be in his front left and front right pocket, but also underneath him, you see a hole with a mound of dirt that is clearly has been dug up. It's different than the concrete or the rest of the area. It's like a freshly dug pile or maybe freshly buried something. Which of those things is technically the clue I need to concern myself with in crafting my new story? I don't know. I think you can choose one to investigate if I had to guess. You can probably investigate the hole or one of the two pockets. Wade could then make a stretched out dive for the other thing, I guess, if he thinks it's going to be worth it.

42:34Is the shovel within arm's reach? I'd like to take the shovel and start carefully without touching the clearly poisoned edge. start digging up the whole the disturbed earth thing to see what the hell's going on in there you dig it around you shove it around and you go tink that's not right until you start digging out you pull out a uh a a ledger right like it's a ledger of documents that look like financial documents and as you start flipping through you notice that the numbers don't add up it's all nonsense and every single one of them is signed with the initials GWB. Okay. I know what happened.

43:203, 2, 1. Our criminal used the crowbar to break into the ambassador's house and break into safe number 1 and steal a cube of money and break into safe number 2 and steal the blue crown and then break into safe number 3 and steal the ledger. And the ledger was swapped out because GWB, of course, is Grace Whittingham-Bellworth, the name of the accountant for the ambassador. Then, posing as Blueprints with his poison shovel, he goes into the gala at the White House, bumps into a queen, red queen, kills red queen, realizes halfway in that one of the guards has realized his mistake, kills that guard with the shovel as well, but beats him to death really quickly, Uses the shrink ray he always keeps in his back pocket To shrink that guard down and hide him in the Drawer of the resolute desk Sits on the resolute chair and makes a whole stink about it And gets his guards to carry him out in the resolute chair on the way out And he's like, I need the desk too, the desk matches I get the chair and the desk, and he takes the resolute chair And the resolute desk with him as they leave And And he did the thing where he shoved my face Into the chair, I had that last time already Alright Almost, almost, almost Don't you see?

44:31It's a perfect cry All right, so I'm deducting a point because it was out of the time for your glowing mouth and Wade's glowing hands. I didn't catch either of those. He carried him in the chair. Does that not carry over? Okay. I was presuming it was the same story as last time, but I didn't say it that time. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't specifically called out, so I'm going to deduct a point for that. So you just lost two points on that one. All right. I like the sequential number of safes that just had all the valuables in it. There's a lot of ambassadors have lots of safes. Everybody knows this. All right.

45:07All right. Wade, your turn. Yeah, I'm starting to write a novel here. Trying to remember all these clues. Okay. I'm going to check drawer number two. Wait, you can't reach it. I climb up the leg. All right. Okay. This is actually going to work out really well for you. You open drawer number two. Man, you guys are so sequential in your things. You find what appears to be a growth ray. Oh, wow. Look at that. You're lucky I didn't make one of these a gun. You're like, I'll test this on myself. You go, oh, thank goodness. After struggling to open the drawer, you only opened it a sliver because obviously you couldn't have opened it all the way.

45:45You climbed into the drawer. You're like, oh, thank goodness. You somehow managed to, because there's probably a charge up sequence. I'm giving you this one. You press the trigger, runs over towards the barrel. Hit me, baby! Hits you. You're inside the drawer. You blast the resolute desk into pieces as you get splinters all over your body. But you're, hey, you're big again. Can I use a bonus to shrink the splinters so they hurt less? No. All right. Theory time. Oh, no, no, no. Not, hold on. Phone, not you. not you not phone lady theory with a ph hey theory three two one go former president george w bush broke into the white house where he used to live with a crowbar and planted a blue crown on the resolute chair near the resolute desk but stole a ledger that was there to cover up his crimes the accountants that had found the ledger was using it was then killed with an invisible poison body was taken and buried with a shovel the money was shrunk with the shrink ray put into the freezer where it was then expanded again with the growth ray because there's just so much money my glowing hands were a red herring as are the initials that could point to me gwb when in fact means president bush they were coded while i was unconscious to throw off my idiot rival who also was a victim himself because our culprit was also a pervert hence the nasty stains and glowing white all over his chin, mouth, neck area.

47:16It may be a bit disgusting and convoluted, but don't you see? It's the perfect crime. Nailed it. Nailed every facet of it. That's one beautiful point for you, man. The growth rate at least fit in with my, he shrunk the money. You know, it all ties in. It all ties in. I like it. It makes a lot of sense. All right, Bob, back to you. I'm still over the body. I have the hole, and now I have two pockets. I reach for the body's left pocket on my right. So like they would put their left hand in their left pocket. I wrote this specifically. In the left pocket, there is a fake ID, a fake employee ID or fake credentials for a man named Wade.

48:06Is it an ID, like just a driver's license or like an identification for a certain place? Uh, it's an employee ID. So all it has is a name. It doesn't have a picture. Okay, but we just don't know what is an employee for, like what business or anything. I didn't think that far through, man. Oh, okay. Sorry. I apologize. Wait, hang on. Let me reveal something to you. I didn't write the crime, guys. Oh. I didn't write the crime. Do you think that was a correct answer that we were building toward? Yeah, do you think that there's a... that I've got a right answer that you guys are going for? No. That's not the point of it.

48:41It's just a tag that says, My name is Wade. Yes, that's what it is. I work at business. Okay. Three, two, one, go. Criminal used the shrink ray to break into the ambassador's house, shrank the front door, but used the growth rate to grow it back up so it fit back in, shrank the door on the one very large safe out of which they withdrew a ledger signed by Grace Wittenham Bellinghaus and replaced with a forgery, the block of money and the blue crown they take the blue crown they put put coat the shovel and poison they friend they go as the blue prince into the gala at the white house kill red queen they realize while they're there that one of their two guards they brought with them is famous detective wade and realize they're gonna have to deal with that on the way out so they're in there they do the kill mom they do the whole thing they sit in the chair and they make a whole stink and they take the chair and the desk with them and on the way out uh as they're outside Finally alone he looks at the blueprints looks at his two compatriots and is like who are you and one of them has an ID that says wait on it So he kills that one and he shriek raised the body and then they get back here and he growth raised the body So that is the normal body and then he takes my unconscious face and wipes it all over the fart chair And then also wait hands are glowing because of the fart charity touched it a lot.

49:52Don't you see it's the perfect crime Oh God that's so hard to do fucking hell I don't know man I don't know I can't confer I need to Did you use the crowbar In your Cause that used to be the safe thing and you did The shrink ray on the safe door instead of The crowbar I think you missed the crowbar I have if I'm gonna be honest I was gonna have him kill Not Wade with the crowbar and then Use the shrink ray but I just said He killed him and didn't say That he killed him with the crowbar So I did intend that But I did not say it We gotta stop self-reporting, Bob. I'm here to play to win, but only if I can win fair and square, okay?

50:36I don't want a cheap win. I'm gonna give you the point for Don't You See It's a Perfect Crime because my timer's a little, you know, early for you guys, so, uh, but I'm gonna deduct a point for the crowbar. Back to Wade. I think the only other thing I haven't looked over here is the fireplace. The desk is done and gone. I'm gonna look at the fireplace with two reasons. One, it's not been investigated into to burn out the splinters inside of me because wood is flammable. You know what else is flammable? Hopefully not my glowing hands. No, to say the human body. Oh, well, I'm hairless, so I'm not too worried about that.

51:10Alright then. In the fireplace you see the remnants of burnt pieces of money. It's burnt all over. It's like someone shoved in a giant brick of cash into this fireplace. but burned it. Okay. This fits into my narrative. Just give me a moment to figure out how and where. There's so many elaborate steps to the perfect crime. It all fits together. You're the greatest detective. You can piece the puzzle. I understand. The pieces, I see the numbers around me, the equations, they're all starting to blend. I think I'm ready for this. All right. Three, two, one. The perfectest crime wasn't always intended to be the perfectest crime, but it was a response.

51:58For you see, former President George W. Bush's money was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning that he knew what Bush had done. So, Bush broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the blue crown on the chair, stole the ledger covering up his crimes. The accountant, both for knowing and for doing what he had done, was targeted and killed with a poison, his body taken and buried with a shovel. The only thing left other than the crown was the Wade name tag to lead away for Mr. Bush with another W name. The money was shrunk, the money not burned, the money taken from the White House, shrunk, put in the freezer, where it was then reversed with the growth ray because there was so much of it.

52:37My glowing hands, red herring, as are the initials that could point to me. They were coated while I was unconscious to throw off my idiot rival, but revealed our culprit was a pervert when I saw his glowing chin. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime. I think you got it. When Wade does it he's talking slowly And it feels like he has an hour and a half And when I do it I feel like I can barely Get three sentences out Before a minute is up what the fuck Okay so Wade Or no sorry Bob Well I have to look at what's in the right pocket I guess You're not gonna look it It's an employee ID With the name Bob Fuck I don't even need time to think I'm ready All right, here we go 3, 2, 1, go!

53:23The criminal was breaking into the ambassador's house They used the crowbar to break the front door They get inside to go to the one very large safe They used the shrink ray to shrink the door on the safe They steal the large pile of money, the ledger To make sure nobody knows how much money is missing And the blue crown, they return to their base They don their shovel coated in poison And their blue crown opposes the blue prince at the gala at the White House They go to the gala at the White House And on the way in, they realize that one of their bodyguards they've hired Is a notorious detective But he can't quite figure out which one it is on the way in, bumps into mom, poisons a red queen, red queen later dies.

53:52That's the real goal here. But then to get away, sits in the resolute chair, makes a whole stick and is like, I need this chair! And the guards carry him out and that's why Wade's hands are glowing. And then he's like, I need the desk too! And they take the desk with him. And as they get outside, when they're finally alone, he looks, he says, I know one of you is a great detective. Wade! And Wade takes one of the two IDs he has in his pockets. What's this, Bob? What's this, Wade? He puts it in the other guy's pocket and the other guy's like, wait, wait, that's not mine! And then the criminal kills the other person and that's the body, they shrink the body and they bring it back to the headquarters, it's the, don't you see, it's the perfect crime!

54:23Holy shit. I got bad news, Bob. I don't think you, I don't think you burned the cash. Oh, yeah, I forgot what I was gonna do about that. Wade did that. I, oh, what is even left to investigate? There's a lot of stuff left, dude, there's so many things we haven't looked at. Yeah, there's multiple drawers, there's multiple surfaces, uh, yeah, there's a, There's the rest of the kitchen. Yeah, that's where I'm going. I might have to throw out all these clues, everything but the kitchen sink. Perfect. In the kitchen sink, you notice there's something shiny in the garbage disposal. You fish your hand in there, brave as can be, and you pull out an expensive looking watch.

55:06Engraved with the initials. BMM. Got it. Three, two, one. go! Former President George W. Bush was taking care of Bob Mr. Marley's money and it was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning that he knew what President Bush had done. So Bush broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the blue crown on the resolute chair next to the resolute desk, but stole a ledger to cover up his crimes. He let the pocket watch, with the initials BMM on it, to betray his accomplice. The accountant was targeted and killed with poison his body taken, buried with a shovel for what he had done.

55:47The only thing left other than the crown was Wade and Bob name tags to call out us, the world's greatest detectives, to dare to try to solve this crime. The money was shrunk and put in the freezer where it was then re-enlarged with the growth ray and used with the shrink ray before. There's just so much money. My glowing hands or a red herring as initials that could point to me. They were coated while I was unconscious as was Bob's face covered in glowiness because the culprit is also a pervert. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime! Was the money burned? I think so, yeah. George Bush was watching Marley's money, then it was burned by the accountant.

56:16Oh, you're right, you're right. That's so true. That's so true. I apologize. That's on me. I don't know if my story makes any fucking sense anymore, but god damn, it's my story. Look, the crime is so convoluted, so deep, so multi-layered that it makes sense only when you see the full picture. Oh, you like Bob, Mr. Marley? I couldn't think of anyone with the initials BMM other than Bob. Oh, I can't think of one person with the initials BMM. I can't imagine why I asked Bob what his middle name was. God, I put so many clues to try to pit you against each other. In both of the messages, in both of the audio messages are like, how do you, can you trust the other person?

56:55You're guys like, nah. I don't. No, clearly you do. His mouth is dripping with blood. His hand, your hands are covered. Yes, blood. Yes, yes. It didn't have to be semen. It didn't have to be. It could have been blood. I didn't think about blood. All right, Bob. Last, last look. Okay. You've almost got it all. You've almost got it all. Am I allowed to go to the east and try and open the door? Yes, you could try, but it doesn't open. It is, in fact, locked. Can I peer through the keyhole or is it not that kind of keyhole? You can look through the keyhole, but all you see is just an empty hallway.

57:41I mean, there's stuff we have not explored in the kitchen, I think, possibly. But is there anything on the body I have yet to explore? You set up the two pockets and the hole. There was no other evidence of anything on the body. I didn't. Unfortunately, I didn't plan and everything for that. So what you have is the there's still drawers in the science area. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the stovetop is also not. Yeah, there's the cooktop and then there's the kitchen counter with like one. There's one drawer in the kitchen counter. Yeah. I want to go to the science and look at the drawer, like the top drawer.

58:20Do you open the top drawer? Oh, God. No, I mean, I'm just laughing because I don't know how the fuck you're going to do this. You find a green sultan's cap straight out of Agrabah, like sultan green. It all makes sense. It all makes sense. Got it. Three, two, one, go! The night before the perfect crime, Wade burns the money of the criminal in an attempt to stifle him, but the criminal would not be stopped. The criminal and Wade, as an accomplice, use the crowbar to break into the ambassador's house. They go up to the safe and use a shrink ray to shrink the door of the safe, removing the money, the ledger, so that the money is secret, and the blue crown.

59:01They then take the blue crown and the poison shovel to sneak into the gala at the White House. I sneak up next to mom boom poison mom's gonna die later but the prince has realized that one of his two accomplices is Wade but that's why Wade stuck a name tag with both his and his rival best detective in the world name in the pocket of the other guy then prince sits in the chair makes a big stink claims the chair has his guards carry him out in the chair and says also bring the desk so they bring the desk uh when they get outside he confronts his bodyguards and says one of you is a detective and looks to their pockets and no matter what he finds in the box of the one guy it says one of our names so he kills that guy and Wade helps him kill that guy that's why Wade's hands are glowy and then they shrink that body and they put it in the desk and they bring the desk and the chair back to the hideout and then they bun shrink the thing and oh something else oh yeah don't you see it's the perfect crime i definitely forgot something there fuck did you remember to fart your face yeah he didn't you didn't get your glowing mouth uh the expensive watch and i think the newest edition the green sultan's cap i just have the clues like listed out with little notes of what like i did that too but i can't i didn't write them in the order that i'm telling the story so the moment i have to jump around it's like okay well i've never fucking fighting my place back on the list of shit i have in front of me i just say we didn't do small talk but i was in the hospital for three days immediately preceding this can i just throw that out there with no context i'll give you a hospital point i was literally in the hospital friday night through yesterday afternoon.

1:00:30Oh, I didn't know that. You okay? I'm fine. I just can't remember this stuff in the lingo we're doing. I was in physical therapy literally yesterday. Does that count? No, no other small talk will be allowed. All right. Last clue. I'm going to look at the stove top. You're going to look at the stove top. Okay. So in a pan, there's a lidded pan. I'm just going to say you open you open it right i lift the lid in the pan is a burnt phone a burner phone but it's burnt i thought that was funny okay whatever fuck fuck i'm trying to make sure i don't lose any more points well bob you don't have to go again so you're you're you're okay so there's a burner phone that's been burned on the stovetop is that not why they're called that because they're not called to smash with your foot phone okay all right ready wade no let's do it three two one go former president george w bush had bob marley's money it was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning to show that he knew what bush had done so bush broke into the white house with a crowbar planted the blue crown on the resolute chair and a green sultan's cap on the resolute desk trophies of the many crimes he committed as president but he stole a ledger to cover up his crimes which also left the pocket watch with bmm on it to betray his accomplice marley and point to him the accountant was targeted and killed with a poison uh his body then taken and buried with the shovel he then bush then burnt the burner phone he'd used to communicate with marley to cover up more evidence the only other thing other than the crown uh was wade and bob name tags left to call out the world's greatest detectives to dare them to try to come and solve this crime.

1:02:12A shrink ray was used to shrink the money. It was put in a freezer, then regrown with a growth ray. My glowing hands were a red herring to point to me. Bob's face was all gross and nasty because the culprit is a pervert. Don't you see it's the perfect crime? Wow. Every piece. Everything put together. So is George Bush the culprit? George W. Bush is the perfect criminal? George W. Bush is the perfect criminal. He's gonna think it. He's gonna do it. Is it senior or junior? I don't even know. I didn't expect you guys to narrow it down to an actual suspect, but I love it. So this last message might not make sense, but here we go.

1:02:51I know this isn't the outcome you wanted. But the crime was rigged from the start. There was never a world where you could actually solve my crime. It was perfect for me to give you anything less that perfection would be a disservice to your skills. I know this burns in your heart. I know you regret the mistakes you've made. And I know you strive for perfection to beat me. Just as I once did. But I warn you, the road to perfection is long and arduous. If you were to ever attain perfection, you would become just like. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast.

1:03:41Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro Plans. I fucking love the image of George W. Bush sitting on a laptop in his ranch in Texas just like this is gonna make him so confused all right well done well done guys well done you have not quite solved the perfect crime but Wade you got really close I'm gonna he's gone well what thing my microphone oh no all right well the wind's almost oh the episode's almost over all right uh i guess uh that that'll wrap it up i'll say before we go to the wheels or anything um well done that was very experimental i tried to plan a lot that a few things obviously didn't quite work out but i think at the end the objective that i wanted was there which is you guys kind of going crazy with clues, I realized that I wasn't smart enough to come up with actually like a super well-written contrived perfect crime.

1:05:10So I was like, ah, what if they're both going nuts trying to come up with what the perfect crime must have been? I think what I should do in the future is, because it's kind of like all these things are just things that are kind of random and could point to anything. So why don't I just actually make it random? I'll have locations. I imagine it's like cards or like clues in the location it's like a different version of clue and then people are piecing it together and then people can play it it's like they have to make their clues make sense or everyone's clues make sense but anyway so it needs tweaking though but i did this this acts as a copyright for the perfect crime no one can take this idea from me i'm on this i'll see you it was a really fun time i know i sound like shit but it was a good time however the stress of trying to remember and get all that shit out under a minute fucking i gotta figure out an easier way for you guys to like get the get the items and all the different things but i i mean honestly it does need to be like cards that would really help if it was like i could have a hand of cards and i could put them in an order so that i could be like this one and then this one and then that because that was i was not able to remember that yeah yes no that would that would be huge yeah i have two and a half pages of notes i do too it didn't help well i had all the clues like kind it together with a little snippet of like what i wanted to put but i have a bunch of bullshit scribbles and what it goes on and on it's a bunch of nonsense uh but well done guys um yeah that was that was super fun so uh any any bounties i guess is being in the hospital a bounty that's not a thing is it you know what's really sad is i had one i was gonna do but i didn't actually accomplish it during the episode there's a wheel spin thing that's like most recently hospitalized i think is what I'm thinking of.

1:06:54That's not a bounty. Yeah, I don't know if we want to strive to be the most recent one in the hospital. Look, I want to get paid in distracted points if I'm going to have to do it either way. Well, alright, if there's no bounties, then we're going to go right to the score. So, each of you, basically, I gave you the point for doing the don't you see it's a perfect crime at the end. So, you both got seven points from that. You both got a suck-ass point. Wade, you got a point for write that down, which I thought was funny because you wrote down, but then both of you were running down uh blueprints i give you a point for that when i was first adding points for things like that and there was too much to keep track of i couldn't add points in the middle of everything that was a nod to blueprints right like yeah yeah it was it was kind of like the implication that made me happy yeah yeah so uh and then minus one for um you missed poison so that puts you in nine uh bob you had the eight mama schmlank made me laugh real hard then unfortunately you started losing a lot of points you uh you got a hospital point but you lost a total of seven points that sounds right for forgotten an item throughout so you you netted two points uh in this game going into the final round so really it's anybody's game anybody's game it is always anybody's game be really sad for me and really funny for the content if golf rules cropped up now.

1:08:16Alright, how many spins will we have? Just one. It wants us to do three. Alright, three it is. Okay, let's add in, um, uh, kissed the judge's ass the most. Literally or figuratively? I feel like if you did that literally, you get the, you win that one. Yeah, yeah, that's true. But I don't think that's likely to happen. It's figurative until literal. Spin number one of three, shall we?

1:08:48shortest wade congratulations you get that point all right it's just winding it up for golf rules on the third spin spin two of three come on baby give wade some more points doing best on new year's resolutions how you guys doing on those yeah wait not great for me because i have had the knee injury so i've not been walking yeah well i was hospitalized for a foot injury so the walking thing has been real hit and miss but i have i have walked 105 miles so far this year i think that beats mine i'm probably at like 20 something and that's only ones where i've officially tracked as a workout so that goes to bop so number three this is where golf rolls hits more viewers just give a point to viewers you know Oh, ah, TMI point.

1:09:41I don't think anyone's really done anything TMI this episode, so let's re-spin that one. Re-spin that. Oh, I need to pee and my balls itch. Is that TMI? That's a pretty normal amount of I for this setting here. Best mental image. Okay, so we have... I have to pee and my balls itch. No, no, no, no. I'll rank this by the other one. I will say, Wade, you had a very concise storytelling. Bob had the gala had like the the the shrinking and growing of the doors and there was there was a lot more I think Going on Bob is a better storyteller than me. I would say he probably created the best imagery So with that we have a final score of 10 to 4 Congratulations, Wade You are the winner of the perfectest crime.

1:10:34What do you have to say? I don't know what to say. Looking back, I don't know when I recorded the Going Nuclear episode, but since the middle of May, this is only the second time I've won. I've had a hell of a bad streak. But you know what? I'm bald, back on top, and I'm going to host the next episode. These things are facts. Couldn't have said it better myself. Bob? I think the actual perfectest crime that took place here was that Wade won this, and I still think there was something crazy happening with time and time dilation and some bullshit because I swear to God, I could not have talked faster.

1:11:12And Wade told his story like he was falling asleep the whole time. And I don't understand how you did that. It doesn't make sense metaphysically to me how you did that. It seems like there was something crazy happening and I am not going to say the word. It triggers the thing, but it just seems crazy. I will admit there was a point in Wade's stories where I only had like four boxes checked and he was halfway through his time And I'm just like there's no way he'll get this and then it was like and then he just said like one sentence where every word was a clue And then it was like oh, okay I buried the burned body while the money shrunk ray grow ray Fraser here are some things I saw while committing the crime drink ray growth ray desk chair body Anyway, that was very fun.

1:12:00I'm glad that worked at least somewhat there's some problems with that if I ever do this again for the perfect to stir crime and then obviously the perfect death to rest crime. I will improve upon the formula or do something completely different. Who knows? Maybe I'll maybe I'll abandon this completely. It's very tabletop. Even when you play a tabletop game with very strict rules, there's still times we have rules interpretations. That's all we had. It was well done. You did a good job. But I hope you all enjoyed it. I certainly did. It got I think it could get even crazier towards the end there if I tweak some things here.

1:12:34I don't want it too much. I gotta take Excedrin after this. But thank you all so much for listening and watching. Follow the podcast to stay up to date on all of our episodes and be sure to check out these guys on their various platforms wherever they may be. LordMinion777 Minion777 or my screen for Bob over there. Me, Markiplier, this has been Distractable. Podcast out.

1:13:00This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Can you hear that? It's the calm, sugar, white, sandy beaches of St. Pete Clearwater. And if you listen closely, you'll hear the mmms coming from the epic restaurants, the cheers from sun-soaked music festivals, and the beat of our legendary nightlife scene.

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