Yeah, He'd Live

0:00For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around. Lemon forward sodas, even lemon forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth. All hail for lemon. That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Join the 7up rising. Flip the sip. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. listening to this podcast instead of doom scrolling smart move another smart move getting help from one of state farm's 19 000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling just another way to save with the personal price plan prices are based on rating plans that vary by state coverage options are selected by the customer availability amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state this episode is brought to you by chat gpt hey it's bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons podcast.

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1:53Loves to blow on the sidewalk, admits NPChood, initiates spirometry, and amputates. From anus criminals to fisting prostates. Yes! It's time for... Yeah! He'd Live! Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

2:24Well, hello there, handsome and or beautiful people out there. I can see you. Even if you're only a listener, I can see you. Wow, didn't decide to wear clothes this morning. Been there, done that. I'm your host, Markiplier, here for Distractable with my fellow naked men, Bob and Wade. Ah, hello, yes. It's me. I'm naked. Especially if you're listening. You can hear it. Yep, this is my real shirt. Or skin. Fuck. Oh, old shirt skin. Point to Bob for being able to keep up with the bit the longest without messing it up. My brain, just don't say shirt. Don't say shirt. Shirt! Kept the bit. All right, good.

3:07This is my real dick. I mean shirt. Well, anyway, this is Distractable. This is the show where anything happens and points are given out in accordance to strict laws and adherence to rules. If anyone says otherwise, they are a heinous criminal that is trying to destabilize the entire establishment that we have built than pillars of society that we have driven into the ground with a pile driver. And nobody wants to be an anus criminal. Nobody wants to be... What? Is that not what you said? I don't think that's what I said. Anus. Anus. Anus. Yeah, anus. Anus. We're saying the same thing. Anus. FBI's butt crime division.

3:46Anus! Alright, okay. Uh, well this is distractible. And I'm the judge of the person that is going to enforce the rules. These two are going to participate in my lovely, lovely game, with which I will allow them to dabble into the worlds of imagination to concoct realities untold. That's right. What is that? A little screwy bit. Oh, you got an Allen key? Wait a minute. Just wait till you see what I got. Look, it's a right angle XLR adapter. Oh, that is handy. That's a really convenient thing to have. It actually is. That is super convenient. Yeah, wait, I wasn't going to quiz you on what the name of that twisty thingy you said was, but...

4:33Alan's Wrench. It is. It is truly Alan's Wrench. Velociraptors love it. They see this and they go, Alan. It's almost set from the movie. The velociraptors appear in the kitchen scene and he's all, alan best dream sequence ever did you know that in canada they have a different screw head i did know that it's called the roberts yeah which if you look at it it's just a square and that's kind of cool and all it's the best screw head ever designed it's so much better a phillips screws can die in a fire and i hate them yes i think phillips screws are fundamentally Flawed and pretty pathetic but now that we have those star screws.

5:20I gotta admit hello That's a weird admission did you hear that there was no

5:31Heard like a You know like a hearing test where it's like Chica's barking something happened check on this are you safe do you need to investigate it's fine don't worry about it anyway those star screws they probably have a name right torques is that torques heads torques torques torques torques torques yeah aren't they the superior screw now I mean torques are cool I like Roberts because it's simple but all good all superior anything that's not a phillips the best anything it's not i've never had a phillips screw that hasn't eventually stripped it is just awful typically i'm all for stripping but not with screws drip right now i am this is my real shirt take your skin off quick i mean your shirt fuck yeah what do you got under that oh you want anyone what's under here what's under here more shirt wow yeah more shirt uh anyway sorry i had to write some points for i won't say who Congrats, Bob.

6:41We all know.

6:45Well, just so you know, Wade, you're right. We'll have to a strong start. But this is not an episode about screw heads or screw types, even though that would be a fascinating episode and everyone would be very excited. I would have done so well. It would have done incredibly. We would have gone in the charts. What are we in the charts? I haven't looked in a minute. Gotta be honest. We're at least top 100, probably. Probably, probably, probably, probably. Man, it's going to be a much longer episode if we have to tear everyone down this time. Yeah, we don't need to go into that. It's not important.

7:17It's not part of the problem. Although we should do a marathon episode. We should do compilation episodes that aren't actually clips. It's just multiple episodes in one episode. And we really, really exploit YouTube's retention time. And we, you know, yeah, you know what I'm saying? No, I didn't follow any of that. All right, let me repeat myself. We should have compilation episodes Multiple episodes in one Like ones we've already done or new ones Where we just like go right into it with one recording Same we've already done them Guys the chart situation is not great I'm gonna be honest damn I can't find us on the main charts Oh we're not even On the charts anymore damn Maybe we're at least chart adjacent We are out of the top 200 on the charts Let me look at comedy that usually cheers me up That's a hell of a fall We're 12 on comedy.

8:06We're still 12. We can do it, but there's only 13 That's still not bottom We did it alright, we're better than Conan O 'Brien listen This is why we're gonna be better than better than Conan O 'Brien We're gonna say right here right now because we're gonna start with the greatest small talk we've ever done in our entire life Take it away, Wade Okay, what are we talking to? Oh, it's small. I was like, what's the topic for small talk? What's a small talk topic? I don't know. Let me tell you, life changing. This goes back to last episode to some extent, but life changing thing. Snow blowers. You too?

8:41Let me tell you. So much better than shovel. Shovel great for like an inch or a little bit more or less, whatever. But any more than that, snow blower life changing. You push it and the snow just go. However, depending on how your blower blow, if the wind go go, snow won't go. You know? Are you the type of guy that's doing your snowblower up drive where you're like, oh, thank goodness and you turn it around to go the other way. You're like, oh, hell! Oh, God! No, but I did blow into the wind and everything I blew just came right back and covered me and the spot I'd already been plowing. That's exactly what I was pantomiming.

9:22Yeah, that's the joke. But it was all one direction. It was just consistently the wrong one. Oh, okay. Oh, so you totally went the wrong way. Backed it all the way up to the beginning. I see. The alternative was doing the sidewalk, right? So like, otherwise I have to walk through the snow to blow it the correct way. And I wasn't going to do that. I'm sorry, does the thing, does the head on your snowblower not rotate? It does like left, straight, or right. But I don't know, no matter which one I did, the snow somehow came right back. It seems like that's the three options you need to select from, though.

9:58I feel like you could find a right answer in there. Yeah, but it's not like, it's not straight left, right like this. It's more like kind of diagonally. So it's still going straight no matter which direction I switch it to. So some of it was still blowing back. Can you make it so Wade accidentally cast a spell right there? Because it's really,

10:22you know, it goes straight. Oh, no, no, no. This is not anywhere near as elegant as you had it. way worse no no the first one was better first one way better yeah oh i can't like cast spells yeah yeah yeah it's okay man it's okay don't worry about it magic is over snowblower good but uh wind wind snowblower couldn't be bad well that's good snowblower good but you know it takes a certain intelligence you know how certain items in games you need like an intelligence level to be able to use it properly you can still use it with elden ring you have you can use it it's not Not effectively, okay. I've got the master blow, but I'm too underleveled for it.

10:57That's okay. At least you have it. Now you know where to spend your level up points. I feel like the kind of person, if this was a D &D campaign, people start off at like, I'm an 18-year-old level one wizard, and by the time I'm 50, I'll be level 90. And I'm the guy that comes in like, yeah, I've lived 20 years of trying to level up, still level one NPC over here. Oh, NPCs are usually level five. Yeah. I know you've only been cooking for a day, and you've leveled it up to 10. I'm still cooking level one and I'm a cook in PC stats, y 'all. Don't worry, man. Don't worry. You'll get there. You get a segue point, Wade.

11:33Thanks for your sweet segue to my small talk. Yay. All right. My first point. Probably. It's not. So I like cooking and I have been fairly successful at cooking a wide range of things. And I like to experiment, but I learned a new thing recently and it's just so much easier than I thought it was. And it's so fucking delicious when you make it at home. Microwave. No. Have you guys ever made homemade sausage gravy? Oh, yeah. Not homemade, but I love sausage gravy. You haven't made homemade sausage gravy. Wade, you haven't made homemade anything. Oh, no. Sausage and bacon grease gravy? That's like a staple growing up item for me.

12:14Yeah. Okay. I've never made that before, and I always thought it was more. It's not complicated. It literally couldn't be easier. and holy shit when you make it at home is it delicious can i walk you through before you do it just to prove i don't even believe that you or i don't even not believe that you know how to do it i just don't believe you've ever done it yourself i believe you've watched it be done and then you've eaten it this is this is quite a statement it's quite a statement i can't imagine you cooking i've only personally made it once this is true molly's made it a few times but growing up my grandparents made all time my mom made it all the time i actually prefer bacon to sausage.

12:49I got burnt out on sausage as a kid. And I've every now and then I want like a sausage link, but I typically don't. But no, like I'm assuming the way you're talking is you'll like fry some sausage, use the grease, maybe take some out if you have too much grease, add some flour, add milk, let it brown, flour, milk, let it brown, salt, pepper, done. Yeah. Yeah, it really is. It's so good. It's one of the most, it's probably terrible for you because it's literally just grease with flour and milk, but it's so good. Oh, it's just horrendous. It's fat salt and grease all congealed into one big sauce you slop on something else that's fat and salty and greasy oh god you have that with some biscuits and eggs and oh yeah whatever oh it's so good i want it right now anyway i'd never made that at home before we were just like man i want breakfast for dinner and we was kind of like i really want like sausage gravy man and i was like i'll do it and i did and it was really it was just so easy and delicious anyway i just i'm constantly shocked there's so much cooking stuff where i've been like oh that's i could never make that and then you just try it and you're like actually that's not that actually it's not too hard it's pretty good places like bob evans and stuff have a similar type to the homemade but there's something about that's always different i don't know if they put too much in it or if it's like preserved or something but making it home hits so different yeah it does i recently did that with chicken marsala too chicken marsala is very delicious and not that hard to make at home and it's real good.

14:14I think what I'm learning is cooking is easy, guys. Easy game. I've got the cheat codes. Do you want to know my favorite gravy meal? This might surprise you. I don't know what that means. Go ahead. Favorite gravy meal? This might be my favorite meal of like anything. Is it the KFC Sadness Bowl? If I was on death row and they asked me my final meal, this would probably be it. Bacon, grease, gravy, like the sausage gravy you're talking about with bacon, grease. Gravy. Fried pork chops. God, Jesus. where you get like the flour dip it in egg sure sure fried everything biscuits mashed potatoes and peas you wouldn't need to be put to death you just die if you ate enough of that and you cut up the pork chops you tear up the biscuits you mix all of it together add some salt and pepper especially pepper mix it all up it looks terrible but if you get like the potato gravy the right amount of each and you get like a bite of pork chop and biscuit all in one bite it is ambrosia it is the best thing in the world it's so good ambrosia he says my auntie used to call that gloop i love gloop i would die and i probably will die for gloop yeah i imagine that'll be the end of you someday you'll be too old and you'll take a bite and it'll just be like oh there's that last five percent somehow my carson carson what the fuck am i trying to say carson daily no the cholesterol is the word by carcin my cholesterol has never been bad somehow well recently they did discover that they're kind of been a bit a bit wrong about cholesterol and the levels that it actually should be over a long period of time that's why things have been inconsistent for a while and you should actually have a little bit more of both types you know it's like it's hard to actually say quantify that's what i keep telling the doctor yeah it's uh it's it's complicated Turns out, human body, very complicated.

16:00Anyway. The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Now lime comes first. 7up. Flip the sip.

16:53are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. But weirdly enough, Bob, you get the other segue point because we're going into our game called Yeah He'd Live!

17:14Okay, all right. Are you getting me? You can see where this is going? All right, we're going to start this off with a scene. You two are the world's greatest doctors The most lives saved One of you has one more patient than the other But I won't say which one You kind of debate which one counts as a patient Your counts are in the thousands But you know, you kind of squabble between each of which one actually counted And which one was actually easy But you are gathered here because you have a patient in front of you On the operating table Mystery illnesses presenting with lesions high fever, abdominal exploding.

17:53There's multiple things wrong with them. They're on the verge of death. Only you, whichever one of you can do it, only one of you can save this patient. And you, in the same vein of all the other, blah, blah, live, yeah, win, na, na, na, you know. And that way, you'll take turns, you'll repeat the action of the previous doctor, and when you reset time and go back and try again. Let's just assume the other one just like brings them back to borderline health. Whatever. Wave it however you want. The next person will repeat that action because you secretly do respect your fellow doctor's genius ability and you know that they were on the right path, but obviously they weren't seeing the chest move in front of that one.

18:36So you got to repeat that action and then do the next action after that in the same vein of all the, yeah, I'd win. But you're trying to save this patient's life. In other words, it's exactly the same thing we do before, with a slightly different wrapper to make it feel fresh. I like this wrapper. So I need to pull up my D20 because the way this works for everybody at home who haven't seen another Nahid win or Nahid lose, they're going to take a turn. It's a D20. If they roll for every good action, they will get plus one advantage on the roll. They need a 20 total to win and save the patient or save the life.

19:12Nahid or she would live, but they incrementally get their advantage growing with each turn that it takes. Could hit on the first one, could hit on the last one. So I'm going to flip to see who goes first. We, of course, have heads for Wade, tails for Bob. Bonk. We got heads for Wade. Congratulations, Wade. You're going first, doctor. It's not saying you're more skilled than your fellow doctor. Because you're not. Some may say. All right. So right now we know nothing about them other than in front of us and they're dying. Well, they have high fever, abdominal explosions. They look terrible. Okay, they've got a lot of bad symptoms.

19:48Yeah, they're...

19:52They're flatlining every few minutes or few seconds, you know. They're kind of like going in... You know, kind of like that. Really horrible, in utter agony, desperate. And just to remind myself and everyone out there, this is the thing where if I say too many words, Bob has to repeat them exactly. This is the don't be too long. That's the bit. Yes. All right. Dear Journal of American Medical Association, I can't believe this happened to me.

20:24Okay. Go on. My patient. His lungs. Is he breathing? And I check his lungs. Check his lungs. All right. Check his lungs. Not sure if that works towards saving him. Dr. Bob, Dr. Myskins Uh-huh In your medical opinion, do you think that Assists in getting the patient closer to life? I'm gonna say Yeah, as an initial thing Like, if you check his lungs, it's like, oh, there's a squirrel in there And you know what you're going next Like, he gives you a That's good Classic thing That's good, like checking the tailpipe for if there's a squirrel in there The classic banana in the lungs gag, yeah People used to worry about gerbils up the butt But no, it's been squirrels in the lungs that's been the real killer All right, we're rolling.

21:11That saves him, I swear to God. Hmm, not quite. It was a good check, but with a 15 plus one, you got 16 nearly there. But as you check, you leaned. It's like an ocean. It's like tidal waves in there in and every breath. And then it's quiet all of a sudden, and the patient dies. Ready to operate now? Dr. Myskins, it's your turn. Oh, yeah, great. Dear Journal of American Medicine History, I can't believe it happened to me You both are writing your competing papers Yes My patient I'll check his lungs Wait why am I still writing this Okay The next thing I do is I think It must be an old school problem Lungs are clear no squirrels Leeches Leeches everywhere Any part of any fleshy bit I can get a leech onto Boom leeched That'll suck it out.

22:08Penis leached. Tank leached. Perineum leached. His ABC leached. ACDC leached. All right, we'll see if leeches work. This will give you plus two. Oof. It's a two. You get a four total. Nope. You bleed him dry. All blood is vacated. He's super dead now. Frothed in the mouth All blood emaciated Dried husk Dead Dr. Barnes Dear JAMA Journal of American Medical Association Can't believe this happened to me My patient I'll see if he's breathing A little bit doesn't sound good Why am I still writing this? You know what? I'll go a bit more old school Leeches Cover the patient in leeches Now that he's getting all that bad blood out Amputate the feet I get my buzzsaw Cured!

23:06Dr. Weiskinds, in your professional opinion, do you think that gets him closer to life? If the feet were the problem. Or is his genius so good that we just can't see where he's going with this? I mean, it's not impossible that there's something so wrong with his feet that that's the solution. I like you, Doctor. We should work together. Maybe he's got the gangrene or some sort of flesh eating thing on his foot. I mean, leeches were as likely to cure it as this, I would say. Hey, leeches is a legitimate medical treatment that's still employed in hospitals to this day. It is. It actually is. Not for the reason that they used to do it, but it is.

23:52I know it is, but. I'll give it to the feet. Maybe there's some horrible infection. Let's roll. It's a plus three. Twelve. Total 15. Not quite. His lungs are full. He drowns in his own sputum. His blood is all gone. And then his feet seal the deal. He barely feels that, though, before he dies. Just so if that makes you any feel good. I'm going to feel really bad when we cure him. He doesn't have any feet. My bad. Dr. Myskins, what's the next step? Dear Mama Jammas at JAMA. I can't believe it happened to me I'm gonna check this patient's lungs and save them while I write this. Oh, that doesn't sound good.

24:34I should probably stop writing All right now I'm gonna cover him in leeches I don't know what that will do, but it looks like I'm doing something and isn't that really what we're trying to do at work? Just get through the day. Anyway, I found my buzz saw

24:50He's never gonna have feet again Right, he's sick I am going to go hyper modern. Leeches is the old school. The new school technique is a laparoscopic robotic microsurgery. I'm just going to cut his whole abdomen open and flay him and then use a tiny little robot to search around for what's wrong and fix it. Modern technology. You're going to flay him macro so you can send a tiny robot in. It could be a whole fleet of tiny micro robots. All the surgeries all happening at once. One of them is probably going to find something. All right. You know what? I'm not even going to ask Dr. Barnes if that helps.

25:35I know it's helping. I think this is a terrible idea. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm going to back you up on feet cutting offing. Give me micros. I'm only saying because I know he'll do the opposite of what I think anyway. So you're welcome. Look, hey, I gave you the. All right. We're rolling. What a genius. Yes! Nat 20! Yes! I knew it would work. Oh, thank God I don't remember laparoscopic idioma or whatever you said. The incredible genius to know that the leeches would create all the cavities for the laparoscopic surgery and that the feet could cause a sudden purge as the machines push in and push down.

26:15All the illness goes shooting out the stumps like whoosh! Splat! All over Dr. Barnes. Damn it. Ah, he's like, you know, covered in it. You see an outline of him and all the grossness and illness. That's why the feed had to come off. That's the exit route. I can't believe he's getting posted in Bad Mamma Jamma before me. All right, let me find my, let me get my notebook back. Dear Jamma, I did it. Dear sexy mammas of Jamma Magazine. I'm going to tell my grandma about you mamma jammas at Jamma. She lives in Alabama. Rides to battle on a camma? Hmm? what what did you say i was trying to do camel but camo camo all right so you okay dr bice's that was incredible you both go home by the way it was like an auditorium operating room so you had a whole bunch of people around they all got up and they were like this you know yeah that's why we had to have those flourishes because we wanted to really put on a show for the people.

27:21Yeah. All right. So since you're both go-getters, right? It's the next day. You both are on your 3 a.m. hike, sprint actually up a mountain, and you get to the top of the mountain and you see each other. You go like, oh, it's you because I got up at 329 and I get whatever. But using your super doctor senses, you hear a cry for help. Someone at the top of the mountain is going, Help me! I can't hold on much longer! Oh, my grip is loosening! You both scramble over, and on the ledge, there is a man who is dangling by one finger on the ledge of a cliff that is the most precipitous drop. Makes El Capitan look like a hole that a child dug.