Why Being Right Could Cost You Your Marriage

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0:31Hi, Bowen. Hi, Matt. Hey, Elmo. Hey, Matt. Hey, Bowen. Hi, Cookie. Hi. Now, the Winter Olympic Games are underway, and we are in Italy to give you experiences from our hearts to your ears. Listen to Two Guys, Five Rings on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

0:541969. Malcolm and Martin are gone. America is in crisis. And at Morehouse College, the students make their move. These students, including a young Samuel L. Jackson, locked up the members of the Board of Trustees, including Martin Luther King Sr. It's the true story of protest and rebellion in Black American history that you'll never forget. I'm Hans Charles. I'm Menelik Lumumba. Listen to The A-Building on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can scroll the headlines all day and still feel empty. I'm Ben Higgins, and If You Can Hear Me is where culture meets the soul.

1:31Honest conversations about identity, loss, purpose, peace, faith, and everything in between. Celebrities, thinkers, everyday people, some have answers, most are still figuring it out. And if you've ever felt like there has to be more to the story, this show is for you. Listen to If You Can Hear Me on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. let's talk about you know like i said you know me and we we have these uh conversations that's very controversial a lot of different times but they always say like why don't you talk to somebody that's actually married right so from a relationship started off a relationship standpoint because people have been wanting to hear your perspective on a variety of different topics that me and ian talk about um what what is the key to having a successful marriage oh man i think my I think everybody's key is going to be different.

2:24And that's one of those things. I see people giving advice all the time. And I'm like, every key doesn't open the same door. I think for me, the number one thing is communication. It's something that I've had to learn, you know, especially like us. We Pisces. So when we get in conversation, we debate and we go back and forth. We always try to figure out who's going to win the conversation. And early on in marriage, I realized that you winning means somebody's losing. And if you do that long enough, that person is going to start to feel a resentment toward even having conversation or having dialogue.

2:54And so what I learned about communication is that there's one way to listen. There's one way to actively listen. So some people say like, oh, you listen to me, but you're not hearing me. And so I've learned to become an active listener and has helped me out tremendously. So communication is important. Transparacy is another one. um i know they go i remember we had the conversation i'm like yo i'm gonna get a joint account and you were kind of like yeah like yeah i'm gonna get a joint account obviously i have my own account and she has her own account but i wanted to have something that's solidified that we can always look forward to it's not who's doing this and who's doing that it's like yo we're doing this together so financial transparency um but emotional transparency man i think being vulnerable is is something that shows maturity and um i've i've grown into that you know it's not something that we see in our community too much.

3:45It's not something that a lot of men talk about, but I feel very comfortable and very confident in that. And, um, that's been some of the, like the, the easy keys to success, man. It's, it's, uh, I don't say marriage is for everyone. It definitely is for me. And, um, I've watched it, right? Like I feel like between us, like our parents, we've watched 50, a hundred plus years of marriage combined between both of us. so we've seen the ups and downs of it we've seen the the goods uh and we see uh what a family unit could look like um and so i was very cognizant of that uh and it takes work i think you know every day i get to learn danielle a little bit more and i take it a challenge to learn even more about her um because that's what life is about we're going to grow we're going to change we're going to evolve but i want to be part of that process with her and she's been part of that process with me.

4:35Um, so yeah, man, that's, that's some of it. I wonder how you look at it, man, as you, you've seen this relationship since the beginning, man, how we've been making this thing look. Well, let's peel back the layers a little bit. Um, so let's talk about, okay. So the finance, that's it, that's a big topic. So you do, okay. So you have all of your, you have all your money in one bank account. Uh, I have a few bank accounts. So I have a few bank accounts, same kind of the method I deal with when I was investing. It was like, I got something for options. I got something for long-term and I got something just for ETS and indexes.

5:11And so I got a main account, but I have business accounts inside of that. Um, and then we have, yeah, we have a joint account. So, okay. You have your own personal account and then you have a joint account, right? Absolutely. She has a bank account. You have a bank account and then you have a family account. Absolutely. How do you decide what goes into the family account? I put money in there every month. So let's just take a raw number, right? And it may sound crazy, but let's say it's$10 ,000 a month. That money goes in there and it doesn't matter what happens. That money's going in there. That takes care of the bills.

5:44That takes care of kids' needs. That just goes in there. That's been something I've been practicing even prior to getting married. You actually taught me that early. It was like, yo, you got to have reserves. And so that method They're just having reserves has always been something that's been deep in my nature since my early twenties. And so as I got more money, I just increased the reserves. Um, and so that that savings account is something that just goes money goes into there and we don't have to look at it. Like if she needs to pull from there, she pulls from there. She needs to pull money from another account.

6:10One of our, cause we have a business account together as well. If she needs to pull from there, it actually is not even an issue. Um, you know, the crazy part is that she's super conservative when it comes to money. I think that's something that I take it for granted, but I'm truly grateful for it. Like she won't pull from the account. Like there've been times and she's going to kill me for saying this, but she'll be like, yo, I got$4 in my account. I'm like, yo, why you got$4 in your account? Like there's, there's no need for this. And she was like, I don't know. Like I, I, I didn't want to take money.

6:39I'm like, I love that about her because that she's super conservative. But I asked him like, yo, you don't, you know, you don't have to do that. And she's like, yo, it's just this mentality that she's growing up with. Like, yo, make it, you know, that dollar stretch. Like you got to be conservative with your money. You got to be careful what you spend in. So even as we've accumulated more wealth, she still has that mentality. Yeah, you said also about you can't win an argument because you that's one thing is when you learn in debates, like nobody really wins a debate because even if you win, you embarrass the other person.

7:10So that's it, though. But you use the word embarrass. I didn't even say that. I just said lose. but the way you do it, and I've learned this about myself, and probably we got this in common, right? Because we go back and forth and nobody ever wins. We just kind of like, all right, the conversation's over. But in a partnership, like in a marriage, the way I argue with you, I can't have that type of tone with a female. I can't have that with my wife. I got to realize how I'm coming across. And I think a lot of times people don't do that. It's that retrospective, like, you know what? all right if I win at what cost and why do I need to win right let me just see the perspective because maybe I could be wrong a lot of times I'm like yo I could have done that better right and there's times I'm like you know what nah I'm standing on ground on this like I'm firm on this I believe in this um but actually hearing it and and having like that introspective moment to say like yo you don't need to win this like listen to this person's perspective because at the end of the day, I take that Jane lie, like, we're not supposed to sleep with our backs turned, right?

8:14Like, we're not supposed to do that. Like, who wants to go to sleep with that? Because we're just going to wake up with the same issue. So, yeah, man, and being transparent and having that maturity to say, you know what, let me hear what you got to say, right or wrong, and let's figure this out. So, you got married before, you know, all this shit, a high level of success, you know, you know, wealth and things of that nature. If, if, if, if you were to get married today, would you do things differently? Like, would you be more paranoid? Would you demand a prenup? Would you like, it's one thing to get married when at the beginning of your career.

8:52Yeah. It's nothing to get married when you've already worked 20 years and you've reached a certain level of success and you've got a lot more to lose. It's tricky, man. I watch, my peers and I often wonder like, yo, damn, man, like this shit is crazy out here. Would I do anything differently with my wife now? I don't think so. Cause she, cause she's, she's been here before all this, right? Like, I'm talking about not if I was, if I was today trying to get married, you asking? Yes. Oh yeah. If it was her, I don't think I'd do anything differently. and the circumstances were the same. Like I had known her, right?

9:35Like we grew and then we got married during the Earning Leisure Success. I don't think I do anything. If I meet her during the Earning Leisure Success, man, that's a good question. I probably still wouldn't, bro. Just the character of the person because I would have met her at a different stage of life and she would have matured and had life experiences. I don't know if I'd do anything different specifically if it's her. If it's somebody else, yeah, man, things are going to look different. I'm watching some of these stories and I'm watching some of these relationships, um, that a lot of my peers have.

10:08And I'm just like, yo, this shit is crazy. Right. Like even encounter having encounters with, with, with females. It's like, yo, there's a lot going on, but where's the substance? You know what I'm saying? Like, I always say that to you. Like it, it's tough for me to have conversations. Um, a lot of times, because number one, I don't want anything from anyone. Right. And I think a lot of times I get mis, it can get miscascrew like if you talk to the opposite sex oh he wants something from me or oh you know i need to get something from him and i'm like no i'm just trying to pass time and if you can you know stimulate my mind with the educational conversation that'd be great but other than that i'm good and i've seen it over and over it's like 10 minutes into like a casual conversation it's like all right this is gonna go left in fact this is not even worth entertaining any further um so it's tough out here man i i feel for my brothers i feel and for females too I feel for females.

11:00It's not easy to date. It's not easy to find someone that's your companion. It's not easy to find a life partner. It takes work. And the work is getting harder, man, because we grew up in a generation where like a lot of the girls, you know, we grew up around, watch their mothers, especially, you know, my wife is Jamaican. So you watch that culture, you watch how your mother treats your dad, you watch how they take care of their dad or they take care of their family. It's a different environment. And then that just gets, you know, matured. And that just grows into how they're going to treat, you know, their future mate.

11:34So I'm pretty lucky, man. I'll be honest. I'm really lucky. How important is it for a significant other not to be overly bearing and question somebody that they're with, if they were somebody that's in business? It's important. I think it comes with trust, though. And that's something that's developed over time. I think, you know, having that that level of security and what, you know, your significant other is doing is vitally important. I always say, like, this this doesn't happen without, you know, the trust of my partner. You know, I imagine if she said, yo, you know, I don't feel comfortable with y 'all recording in the dining room.

12:13Like, you know what I mean? Like, what do we do? And the fact that she's involved in it, it makes it a lot easier because she understands the tugs and the pulls and the gives and takes that have to go on inside of the business. Um, and so, you know, I, I, I would encourage everybody to support. I know it was a lot of times like, yo, he tried this thing and it didn't work or he, he's trying something again and it's not working. Yo, you gotta stay with him. You gotta figure it like, if you, if you ride it with him, you gotta stay with him. Um, because you gotta believe in his, in his vision, uh, wholeheartedly.

12:44And I'm living the living proof of that. Right. Like we've tried a couple of businesses, right? Like it didn't work. And she never looked and said, yo, Troy, stop trying. She was like, yo, I support it. Even to the point I'll tell the story about when I invested. And I was like, yo, babe, I'm going for it. She's the first person I told. We were staying in L.A. in July 2020. And I forget, it was me and you sat down at the table. It was like 6.30 in the morning. I told her right before I came downstairs that I'm going for it. She was like, what? I'm like, I'm putting$100 ,000 in the market today.

13:14And she looked at me like, okay. Like, no questions asked. Not like, yo, that's a lot of money. Yo, you sure you want to do that? It was like, okay. and after I had made the move, I was like, yo, why, why you ain't have no feedback? She was like, yo, I watch how you work. I trust what you're going to do. Like I know the way if you're doing it, it's going to happen. Every time you say you're going to reach a goal, you reach it. And so that level of trust, that level of support, it builds confidence, right? Like it feels like, yo, I don't care what anybody says. She believes in it. And like her life is going to be impacted by it the most, let's go.

13:50Let's rock. I'm Bowen Yang. And I'm Matt Rogers. During this season of the Two Guys Five Rings podcast in the lead up to the Milan Cortina 2026 Winter Olympic Games, we've been joined by some of our friends. Hi, Bowen. Hi, Matt. Hey, Elmo. Hey, Matt. Hey, Bowen. Hi, Cookie. Hi. Now, the Winter Olympic Games are underway and we are in Italy to give you experiences from our hearts to your ears. Listen to Two Guys, Five Rings on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

14:45forget. I'm Hans Charles. I'm Menelik Lumumba. Listen to The A-Building on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can scroll the headlines all day and still feel empty. I'm Ben Higgins, and If You Can Hear Me is where culture meets the soul. Honest conversations about identity, loss, purpose, peace, faith, and everything in between. Celebrities, thinkers, everyday people, some have answers, most are still figuring it out. And if you've ever felt like there has to be more to the story, this show is for you. Listen to If You Can Hear Me on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

15:24Over the last couple years, didn't we learn that the folding chair was invented by black people because of what happened in Alabama? This Black History Month, the podcast Selective Ignorance with Mandy B unpacks black history and culture with comedy, clarity, and conversations that shake the status quo. The Crown Act in New York was signed in July of 2019, and that is a bill that was passed to prohibit discrimination based on hairstyles associated with race. To hear this and more, listen to Selective Ignorance with Mandy B from the Black Effect Podcast Network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

15:58This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.