Create the Kind of Love That Makes Your Friends Wonder, What Is Your “Secret Sauce”? with John David Mann & Ana Gabriel Mann: An EOFire Classic from 2022

0:01Light that spark fire nation JLD here and welcome to entrepreneurs on fire brought to you by high level, the all-in-one sales and marketing platform. On today's classic episode, we'll be breaking down how to create the kind of love that makes your friends wonder, what is your secret sauce? To drop these value bombs, I have brought John and Anna Mann into EO Fire Studios. John is a New York Times bestselling author of 30 books, and Anna is a celebrated educator and therapist who leads the Go-Giver Marriage Coaches Training Program. In today, Fire Nation, you have to slow down to take time to recreate and how lasting love is learning to say sorry and what you love about your partner and oh so much more.

0:40And a big thank you for sponsoring today's episode goes to John, Anna and our sponsors. Fire Nation, this is your year to get unstuck and to grow a successful business. Attend the world's highest rated business growth workshop taught personally by Clay Clark and now featuring football star Tim Tebow and President Trump's son, Eric Trump at thrivetimeshow.com slash eofire. Again, request life-changing tickets today at thrivetimeshow.com slash eofire. Are you ready for the ultimate all-in-one platform for entrepreneurs, marketers, coaches, and agencies? Build funnels, automate follow-ups, manage clients, and even white-label your own software.

1:18Say hello to our featured partner, High Level, and visit highlevelfire.com to start your free trial today. Anna, say what's up to Fire Nation and share something that you believe about becoming successful that most people disagree with. I actually think that one of my beliefs about success is about slowing down and taking time for what I call recreation. And, you know, some people call it recreation. For me, it's recreation, because I believe that when we take the time to get out in nature or to do a 10-minute guided meditation or to spend time really analyzing, thinking, and feeling about what it is we're doing and where we're headed, that we get all kinds of messages.

2:19We get all kinds of moments where clarity comes into being and we start to see a little more clearly kind of what our personal identity is about and how we want to express it. And I think that when you suggest to people in business or in the world of, you know, taking your life forward to slow down and contemplate things, they generally dismiss it because they're sort of running after their goals as fast as they can. And I'm a great believer in not just throwing the goals out, but really just keeping them in perspective because they can become a dominant theme that rules your life instead of letting your heart and your real true essence of your authentic self be the guide to where you're heading and the success that you're creating in your own life.

3:11Well, that is fantastic. And I am glad we started with you, Anna, because Fire Nation, if you are listening to the intro, you know that we have also John David Mann joining us on the microphone today, as well as Anna. So it's going to be a great triple threat coming at you as we talk about how to create the kind of love in your relationship that makes your friends wonder, what is that secret sauce? So John, you've been patient, you've been kind, you've been quiet so far. Let's talk about what is the mindset of lasting love. The mindset of lasting love. I'm chuckling because that secret sauce, for years, friends asked us, what is your guys' secret sauce?

3:50You guys act like newlyweds and you're oldlyweds. I mean, as years go by, we still, just the love grows stronger and fresher and not stale. So it's a great question. The mindset of lasting love to us is the answer to that question. What's our secret sauce? I think we both approach our relationship from a spirit of generosity. And what I mean by that is from the perspective of putting the other person first, putting the other person first. And I don't mean putting ourselves second as in debasing ourselves, building you up so that I'm pushing myself down. It's not a question of sacrifice. It's this, you know, we have clues to this in our language.

4:34We say things like, oh, I married up, right? Or we refer to our spouse as my better half, and we grin and we chuckle, and it's kind of like a light little joke. But there's a beautiful truth in there, which is that we did marry up. I look at Anna, and I think, I married up, and she says the same thing about me, because we're used to building each other up. A relationship can easily start to feel like a zero-sum game, where if you win, I lose. If I win, you're going to have to lose. That's the road to dissolution of the marriage, of the relationship. We believe it's the opposite. The more I build you up, the stronger the us becomes.

5:16The stronger I become, the better I become. Well, first off, shame on me, Fire Nation, JLD, for calling Anna, Anna, when it's obviously Anna and something that any rookie podcast host should have figured out. And you two are both way too kind, way too kind to not correct me during our entire pre-interview chats or anything like that. So thank you for being so kind and really allowing me to share this great lesson with our listeners here today. So Ana, I apologize for the mispronunciation for the first few minutes here. And what do you want to add about this that John just shared? I think he hit the nail on the head.

5:58At the same time, what I feel about marriage and about lasting love is that we all arrive in our primary relationship, whoever it is we fall in love with, We arrived with a series of suitcases. And what happens as the relationship gets closer is that those suitcases start unpacking. And those suitcases are all the emotional baggage we carry from our history, whatever it was, whether we had a parent who shamed us or we had, you know, any kinds of negative experiences growing up, where whether we were neglected or ignored or had an alcoholic parent or had, you know, somebody in our family who was depressed.

6:42These are all things that we had to work around and we learned by working around. So when we get into a relationship, we bring all of that with us. And as it unpacks, it becomes the dynamic of the relationship. And so what John's referring to about, you know, sort of really just focusing on the skill sets that we offer in this book, you know, and remembering the us. You strengthen the bond. You make it something where your compassion, you know, leads in the relationship. And a great deal of healing can happen for both partners. And that's really the mindset of lasting love is really just healing whatever it is that's there between you so that you can move into what we see as a very pure love, a love that's mature, a love that really has endurance.

7:36And Ana, let's continue by talking about The Go-Giver. I mean, it's a global business brand. Why did you write a Go-Giver book about love and marriage? What was your inspiration and motivation there? Well, for really, you know, 12, 13 years now, since the original Go-Giver came out, people from all over the world have been writing to John and Bob saying, when are you going to write a book, a Go-Giver book about relationships? And the truth about business and about any corporate company is that almost every employee goes home to a significant other or a family. They might be a single parent and they go home to a child, but they go home to somebody generally.

8:24And every one of us needs to have relationships that satisfy us because it's the issues that we have at home that we bring to work. And it's also the issues that work that we bring home. And so it just, you know, it felt to us like the right moment when the pandemic began. John and I were sitting around and I remember the Super Bowl happened. And, you know, that's sort of the moment every year that the highest level of abuse, spousal abuse happens is on that day. And we just felt like, you know, people are confined at home. They're spending more time with kids underfoot and face to face with their spouse than they have probably since they got married.

9:13This is the moment that this book needs to emerge.

9:19I would piggyback on that and just say, you know, the original Go-Giver book that came out, now it's like almost 15 years ago, the Go-Giver is sort of about business in the way that The Alchemist is about travel. I mean, yes, it's a business book. It's certainly categorized as a business book on the bookshelf in the bookstore. But it's really about, you know, it's kind of about life. It's about principles of being a human being in the world and dealing with other human beings, because every business is fundamentally about people, no matter what business it is. And so it was kind of a natural evolution to go from business book to a relationship book.

9:58But at the same time, I'm going to say this is a book that Anna has been wanting to write, I think, since before she even knew she wanted to write it. I think since the day she walked out of grad school and into her family therapy practice, you know, as a 20-something, this book has been on her heart. And certainly since the first Go-Giver book, since we finished the first draft, we've both been dreaming of writing a book together about bringing that principle of being a giver in the world to the world of relationships. So, you know, the timing was just finally right for us to sit down and do it together.

10:35It's our first book together, John. I've published over 30 books. This is our first book together. And it's just been an absolute joy to do together. Well, John, in the book, you do talk about throwing out the scorecard. What is the scorecard? And why is throwing it out so important? The scorecard, I think everybody knows instinctively and automatically what that is. The scorecard is, man, I've done the dishes four times this week. Couldn't you at least do X, Y, Z? It's that criticism, that niggling, sometimes spoken out loud, frequently just spoken in your mind, which is where it's even more insidious, by the way, because there's no voice in the world more powerful than the voice inside your head.

11:19We start to kind of pick away at each other. We start to pick away at the relationship. And that's the thing about approaching the marriage with a spirit of generosity, looking for things to appreciate any other person, looking for things to praise, looking for things to be thankful for, and expressing those out loud. Telling your spouse the things you appreciate, telling your spouse the things that you're thankful for. In the absence of doing that, you create a vacuum where this scorecard starts to creep in. And the reason that it's so critical to throw out the scorecard, John, for some people, some people have told us it's like going through drug withdrawal.

11:57When you start to, when you make a decision to say, okay, I'm not going to think any critical thoughts. And when I start to think about what my spouse hasn't done or did wrong or always should have done it the other way or whatever, I'm going to just cut that off and not think that. I'm not going to speak those criticisms anymore. It's almost like withdrawing from a drug because it's so natural to do. And it's so critical because without it, it's really difficult for this little organism of the relationship to continue to thrive. Now, Fire Nation, we're going to be talking about a lot of very important things, some things that I teased in the introduction, you know, about the number one secret to the five secrets of lasting love and the importance of giving and so much more when we get back from thanking our sponsors.

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14:58Become the next success story. Schedule a free consultation and request tickets to join football star Tim Tebow and President Trump's son, Eric Trump, at Clay Clark's next business conference today at thrivetimeshow.com slash EO fire. So we're back and Ana, I want to shift right now to talk about the millions. And it is a high number and it's unfortunate that it is millions of people who get divorced each year that you and John talk about they're missing the importance of giving. Can you tell us more on this topic? Oh, I would love to because it follows with what John just talked about, about the scorecard.

15:35When people get into a marriage or an intimate relationship, they unconsciously are looking for what they can get. They're looking for that love to fill whatever holes they have in their own self and to basically fill the gaps of the places that they don't feel complete. And so I think that, first off, there's not enough education and counseling ahead of marriages. I really honestly wish that we really did have more education, more time for people to learn, more time for people to get more skills. But the skills of the secrets are skills that are really simple to practice. And as we move forward, I know that we will be talking about specific secrets.

16:30But each secret is based on developmental theory. You know, what is it that makes us tick? What are the important elements that we need to have when we're growing up? What are the important elements that our family and our parents should have or could have brought to us but perhaps didn't? And so the importance of giving is really the cornerstone of recognizing that you can't change your partner. No amount of codependent behavior is going to change your partner. The only person that you can change is you. And when you take the time to add value to your partner's life, you change the whole tone of the relationship.

17:17So as you change your behavior, that's when you start to see the whole tone of the relationship shift. Yeah, not to piggyback on that, if I may, John, and just say, how can something so simple be missed? How are so many millions of people not getting this if it's as simple as having a giving spirit? I think what often happens, and it happens to millions of people, is that we just become victim of our assumptions. And it's so honestly, it's so easy. It's really kind of a natural thing to happen, unfortunately, which is when you're first in love, when you first start dating, when you're first in that spark of original romance, it's like you're on fire.

17:57You're entrepreneurs on fire. You're people on fire. And it's like you don't need to say I love you because it's in your eyes. You don't need to express too many things because your partner just gets it because you're both caught up in this incredible swirl of romance. That romance does fade. It's like the romance is like kindling, starting a fire. It blazes. But it dies down fairly quickly. And it needs to catch the hardwood logs. It's the long burning logs of love that we need to catch and we often fail to because we have these assumptions. Well, if we had that incredible romance when we were first together, it's going to be like that forever.

18:38It's not. It's going to be different. It's going to need to grow. There was this horrible famous line in this famous movie, Love Story, which was love is never having to say you're sorry, right? Well, that may be true, but lasting love is having to learn how to say I'm sorry and having to learn how to tell your partner how you're feeling and having to learn how to tell your partner what it is you love about her or him. You have to begin to express these things and explore these things and grow these things that you maybe didn't have to do in your first year because that was in this world of romance.

19:18and I think a lot of people just kind of figure it's going to be okay. It's like we treat our health. We were young and we were vibrant and energetic when we were 23. Why shouldn't we be that way when we're 63? Because it takes care. And John, let's continue with this theme because I think a lot of people are going to be thinking to themselves right now, whether they want to admit it or not, wouldn't all this giving and giving just leave us drained and empty? I mean, when does it stop? How does it stop? That's such a great question. because yeah, we do think that, right? And again, that's a natural thing to think.

19:52It's like the principles of economics. They call economics the dismal science. And the principle there is, if I have 10 bushels of apples and I give you three, well, now I'll only have seven left, right? If I give you something, I'll have less. That's the principle of economics. It's the opposite in human relations. In human relations, if I give you time, if I give you attention, I give you care, love, compassion, respect, sympathy, empathy, listening. If I give you these things, I end up with more love, more respect, more empathy, more compassion. It doesn't diminish my storehouse. It actually grows my storehouse.

20:34That's kind of counterintuitive. It's natural to think, well, if I am putting my wife first, I'm putting this other person first, where do I get mine? Where do I get my attention? The key there, I think, is this idea that when you feed your partner, you're feeding the us. This isn't about two separate people. It's about two overlapping people. And what you're really doing is you're feeding the overlap, which is you're feeding the relationship itself. Ana, what do you want to add to what John just shared? Because obviously, you're the other half of that relationship. So speak to that. I think that research really documents that giving actually benefits every cell in your body.

21:19Your heart improves, your circulation improves, your health improves, it decreases depression. And in the happiness factor or the happiness world, it's considered one of the cornerstones of happiness, of having that element of just pure joy in being able to give to somebody and know that you've added value to their life, you've improved things for them, you've taken a burden off of them in the moment. And it comes back to you like a boomerang that is swift moving. I mean, it's pretty remarkable. You know, we coach clients. I coach clients. And I coach them individually. And we also run workshops for 8 to 20 people who can get on a Zoom meeting with us.

22:09And, you know, we aren't interested in undressing the relationship or hearing all the dirty laundry. We really work to teach the secrets and to help people to understand how to shift things. But the messages we get back from people is that it's just remarkable. People are like, no, you don't understand. I just practiced this one secret for three days. And my husband or my wife is just like cooing. Like it's a different relationship. I never knew. You know, they're shocked at the simplicity of it. they're shocked at how much impact it had. So Ana, I do want to stay with you here because you have five secrets to lasting love.

22:54Of the five, we're only going to talk about one today. Which one? Which one is your favorite? Well, I'll tell you, having been a therapist for many, many years, I've witnessed low self-esteem and the impact of parents who truly damaged their children who became damaged adults over and over and over. And I think my favorite secret, I know my favorite secret is the first one, and it is deceptively simple. But the first secret is based on a deep, deep theory in psychology. And the secret is to appreciate. And in essence, It's to take the time every day to find three opportunities. And, you know, sometimes we increase it to four or to five, but we practice it at three.

23:47Three opportunities to witness your partner in a positive way. And I'm not referring to just saying, hey, you know, I told my wife yesterday that she was pretty. That's not what we're talking about. we're talking about taking three opportunities where you might stop your husband in his tracks and say, you know, when I listen to you talk to our children, it just, my heart just fills up because you're so good with them. You always can disarm a fight between them. You're always building their self-esteem. I mean, it's just, I just so appreciate you as a parent and as a co-parent, you just you know you're building our children every day and i just want you to know it's beautiful to watch and i appreciate it you know just that one 30 second spot you know makes people walk away and go oh you know yeah maybe i am doing a good job and you know wouldn't we all love you know when we're at work wouldn't we all love a boss that took the time every day to say you know I really appreciate the way you do this or the way that you do that.

24:59You're doing an amazing job, and sometimes you're the quiet one in our bigger meetings, but I want you to know I never miss your presence, and I never miss your input, and I really appreciate you. It's like you would be just beaming if your boss did that for you every day, but when the primary person that you love in the world takes the time three times a day to thank you for something or to let you know in real terms how much they appreciate you. It's really powerful. Now I'm going to take it back to early developmental theory because psychology knows that we all come into the world in what we call primary narcissism, which is the time of life where we are only just little, you know, beings that need the world to reflect back to us in a way that builds us, that builds our sense of self, builds our sense of self-esteem.

25:56And so, you know, babies are accustomed to hopefully having somebody cooing at them and smiling and tickling their belly and talking to them. You know, it's when you get appreciated, not only do endorphins just go berserk, but you have that moment of feeling like you not only belong, but you have a place in the world where you matter. And it builds your self-esteem, it builds your sense of happiness, and it makes you feel appreciated. And that's such a foundational thing in a relationship. I mean, John is a perpetual dishwasher. I mean, he doesn't leave a cup sitting on the side of the sink. and you know what?

26:45I am also somebody who's a little bit compulsive about cleaning up the kitchen and making sure things are together. But the fact that he beats me to the punch, I tell him every day, thank you so much for doing that little bit of dishes. You know, I'll make us a snack in the afternoon. You know, he just immediately cleans it up. And it's like, you know, little things like that. I mean, if I come home from running an errand and the bed's made, I just always take the opportunity to let him know how much I appreciate stuff like that, because it is our secret sauce, but it's also, you know, it's what makes life joyful to feel like you are appreciated and you might be appreciated because you also appreciate.

27:28But it's just a foundational part of what we all need in the world. And so that's my favorite secret, but there's four others and I could go on for a long time about each one because they're all based on developmental theory. They all have a really powerful hit when you understand them and they're simple to employ. Well, that's the reason for the book. And John, I want you to now share any last thoughts you have on this specific thing that Anna was just sharing with us. And then we're going to start to take it home here. So do that. Share any thoughts you may have on that last thing that we just were discussing.

28:07Then share with us the one thing that you really want to make sure our listeners take away from our conversation here today. I love what you said about how the three things a day, and I think that there's a meta message in there, which is that these five secrets and all of the behaviors that we talk about in the book, they're not some big dramatic thing where you decide to spend$25 ,000 and go to see some therapist for a year and have an encounter group with your husband or your wife and drag out all your dirty. It's not a big deal like that. This is simple everyday practices. And the truth of it is that deep lasting love is built in little gestures that you do every day.