How to be Brilliantly Resilient After Life's Sucker Punches with Mary Fran Bontempo and Kristin Smedley: From the 2021 archive

0:01Boom! Shake the room, Fire Nation. JLD here and welcome to Entrepreneurs on Fire. are brought to you by the HubSpot Podcast Network, the audio destination for business professionals with great shows like the Gold Digger Podcast. Today, we're pulling a timeless EO Fire episode from the archives, so the giveaway may not be active, and we'll be breaking down how to be brilliantly resilient after life's sucker punches. To drop these value bombs, I have brought to Mary Fran Bontempo and Kristen Smedley in the EO Fire studios. They are both known for their brilliance, but they weren't always. Both Kristen and Mary Fran knows what it feels like to be sucker punched by life, but they refuse to let those sucker punches define them.

0:41And today, Fire Nation, we will be talking about how to not be married to outcomes. There's always going to be something that pushes you off course, but the beauty is there's also opportunity in that. And there are core values in how you live your life. Once you align these things, you know your core values. Exponential success will happen. And so much more, Fire Nation. And a big thank you for sponsoring today's episode goes to Kristen, Mary Fran, and our sponsors. Online Marketing Made Easy podcast, hosted by Amy Porterfield, is brought to you by the HubSpot Podcast Network, the audio destination for business professionals with a focus on online business, including digital courses, list building content, and more.

1:18Online Marketing Made Easy breaks down big ideas and strategies into actionable step-by-step processes. A recent episode that will help you get more results with a whole lot less stress is on four ways to avoid burnout. Listen to Online Marketing Made Easy wherever you get your podcasts. Ever thought about giving a TEDx talk? It's one of the most powerful ways to share your message with the world. And four-time TEDx speaker Taylor Conroy from Thought Leader can help you get there. Visit thought-leader.com slash fire to join Taylor's free training, where he teaches you how to land a TEDx talk and spread your message to millions.

1:52Mary Fran, Kristen, say what's up to Fire Nation. And first off, Mary Fran, break down something that you believe about becoming successful that most people disagree with. You know, I think most people feel that great success has to happen in a big, huge way when in fact it's really the combination of small steps consistently executed over time that can lead to this amazing success. You have to not ignore the little stuff. Boom! Value bomb, which is why Fire Nation and I always talk about the books, The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson and The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy. They really emphasize this so powerfully.

2:34What do you got, Kristen? What's up, Fire Nation? Bring in the heat with this one. So most people think that one person cannot make a difference and move all the mountains to success. But I believe one person can be a catalyst to do all of that and bring in a few extra things that we're actually going to dive into today. Boom, Fire Nation, two value bombs in one. And as I mentioned in the introduction, we're talking about how to be brilliantly resilient after life's sucker punches. And we've all gotten those sucker punches over the years, Fire Nation. And let's start with Kristen. Where specifically did Brilliantly Resilient originate?

3:15First of all, when you're brilliantly resilient, it's when, like you said, John, you get hit with a sucker punch and Brilliantly Resilient people will be stunned, maybe even knocked down, ouch, but they are not knocked out. And Mary Fran and I have been sucker punched over and over again in life. And then we came together by, well, you might say by accident, but we know that the universe kind of aligns things for us, right? And when we started talking, we realized that both of us had gotten knocked down, not knocked out. And we each had things that we did that were similar or exactly the same to reset our mindset in our lives, rise with some really special parts of the formula.

4:03And then the key, we found that our skills and talents, our brilliance, if you will, just charted us on this whole new trajectory that we did incredible things because of those sucker punches. It was pretty extraordinary. And Fire Nation, one thing that I've really been diving into a lot recently is stoicism. And the the whole philosophy behind that is doing what you can, where you are with what you have. Because listen, if we're going to dwell in the past and we're going to like look at our past sucker punches, like, and just like let that dictate our future, then what kind of future do we have?

4:38I mean, yes, is it great to learn from our past mistakes and our past sucker punches? Absolutely. To maybe adjust pivots going forward in the future. But at the same time, it's like, let's be in the here and the now and let's be brilliantly resilient after these sucker punches in a positive way going forward. And what I love what you two have done together is you've taken Brilliantly Resilient and you've broken it out into three very specific parts, which are reset, rise, and reveal your brilliance. And I really want to go through these three parts right now in a very chronological way. So Mary Fran, why don't you start us off by talking about reset?

5:20So the reset is this part where you kind of find yourself suddenly laying on the ground, looking up at the sky going, what the heck just happened? The reset is what happens when you get this sucker punch, whatever it may be. And it can be personal, it can be professional. You know, we don't we don't judge over here. It can just be kind of being pecked to death by the little things of life, you know. So whatever your sucker punch or train wreck would be, that's the part where you get to reset. And that is the part where your inherent, and this is key, inherent resilience comes in. You know, we hear so much about resilience these days and everybody thinks that it's this kind of nebulous thing that's out there that they don't have.

6:06It's in you. You were born with it. So when we talk about the reset, it is resetting with resilience that you already have. You know, when you were a kid, you learned to walk by continually failing, but you didn't name it that at the time. So, you know, it's there. It's something that we can immediately rely on. And with the reset, we have a couple of things that we talk about. We talk about a value system, which is hugely important. we talk about your perspective and we talk about controlling the controllables but the values piece is the one that I think we want to focus on right now right Kay yeah yeah and I'll actually if I can give a quick story with my own uh sucker punch I was I had fully planned my life out if if you have listeners out there that are chucking those boxes every day and you get a real thrill from that and I got hit with my first two babies were born blind that was nowhere in my preparation But what I learned is it was the my perception of blindness was the block in our life, not blindness itself.

7:14If you can imagine, it was how I was looking at it in terms of devastation, upset, meant fear. And when I changed my perception, then my boys and I and my sighted daughter started on a trajectory of, you know, allowing them to achieve the greatness they were destined for. But what happened to me personally in my own work and business and launching a nonprofit and then meeting up with Mary Fran and doing Brilliantly Resilient is there were some core values in how I live my life that once I aligned my parenting, my business, my nonprofit to those core values, then the exponential success started.

7:53And, you know, core values are actually so important for you to establish, which I never would have thought this before I really sat and studied it. But it is so important that there was actually an episode of EO Fire in December that was dedicated to core values, that they are that important. And I think Mary Fran has a few more things to add on values. Yeah, I mean, one of the things that I think is so profound is that these giant sucker punches, they knock you for such a loop that it takes so much away from you. It takes away your plans. It takes away your goals. It takes away your purpose.

8:29But it takes away your identity. You know, you define yourself in a certain way. And then something happens. I found out on Mother's day of 2010 that my son was a heroin addict. I mean, up to that point, I had an idea of who I was and where I fit in the world and where I was going to go. In that moment, all of that disappears. But when you dig deep in those moments and when you're flat on your back, that's when you get to do it. You dig deep and figure out what your core values are. That's the beginning of your foundation for every rise that comes after that. So there's a lot of powerful things that these ladies just shared Fire Nation.

9:07I mean, one thing that I just really honed in on for any number of reasons is the phrase that Mary Fran used, which is controlling the controllables. And to me, that's actually a very comforting phrase because listen, things are outside of our control. I mean, what are we really going to be stressing out about? I mean, let's be honest, Kristen didn't have within her control what happened when her children were born blind, but what does she then shift to after that initial, you know, struggle and shock? Well, she shifted to controlling the controllables. And now she has a nonprofit. Now she's moving forward with this.

9:38And now she has such a better understanding because she just said, you know what, I'm going to sit here in this moment and I'm going to control what I can control these controllable variables. So there's a lot to be thought about under this reset section. And, you know, Fire Nation, we may be kind of dipping back into these as we proceed forward. But the next part is rise. So Mary Fran, what do we have with this section? In the rise, you want to look at, and again, as you said, JLD, all of this stuff kind of works together. In the rise, you want to look at what you can actually do. And this is not living in the land of magical thinking here.

10:15This is, you know, what we want and what we can do are often very different things. But the things that help you figure out what you can do, the rise is all about the action step. But the things that go into that are what are your resources? What is your skill set? And the big one for us is who is in your tribe. And, you know, very often when we think of our tribe, we think of what Kristen calls the ride or die folks, you know, the ones who are with you, your first level contacts who are your biggest cheerleaders. And while those are the people that you definitely need in your tribe, they are not always the ones who are going to help you rise because they're often the ones who want to stroke your head and say, poor baby, when sometimes what you really need is a kick in the butt or somebody who's got a better or a resource that is not within your immediate tribe.

11:11So we really encourage people to expand that tribe so you can figure out what your action step is going to be because it's all about the action. Yeah. And, you know, in terms of building a tribe, which is one of my most favorite things to do, because I had no idea how to raise a blind child. I had no idea how to start a nonprofit or I got involved in a tech startup. I had no idea how to do a lot of the things that I do now. But I went and found folks that were one step ahead of me, 10 steps ahead of me. And in all of that building that tribe, then I honed in on folks like, you know, the principle of the mastermind, right?

11:52Having folks around you that are going to help you and hold you accountable to succeed. And one thing that I realized, Mary Fran actually pointed this out in something in a program that we were doing for folks the other day, is that a tribe, you know, she said about resources. that that's part of the rise, but a tribe helps you grow your resources exponentially. I mean, look at Fire Nation. I've been a part of Fire Nation for years and I've learned so much about all the stuff, you know, all the steps to success that I've had now from this tribe and connecting with folks and listening to the speakers.

12:28So a tribe can come in many different forms, but especially what we really want to hone in on is what Mary Fran said, that it is not always those folks that are just going to hold your hand and say, boy, you're a great, you're a great person. That's great that you got up today. You know, some of them like Mary Fran that she does to me, have to have to kick you in the pants and say, come on, you've got this, you know, you can do this. And here's how you're going to take a step forward. But, and we even, you know, we were talking in, in our coaching program with this woman that is very successful and she couldn't figure out her next step.

13:03And within just a bit of time talking with her about her core values for her tribe and who is in her tribe and how she wants to serve them, she unblocked and is headed for incredible stuff this year. The tribe is so important to surround yourself with and then, you know, linking back to the reset of aligning your values with how you're going to serve them. Fire Nation, I've interviewed over 3 ,000 successful entrepreneurs. And I've learned a lot over the times, of course. And Kristen, I really appreciate you mentioning multiple times that you've consumed a lot of that content as well, because this is why we do these things.

13:39But what I've learned and what people like Mary Fran and Kristen have learned and you, Fire Nation, have learned is there are very specific variables and commonalities to success. And what are a couple of those things? Number one, having the right mentor, actually having somebody who is currently where you want to be? Like, you know, Kristen shared one step ahead, 10 steps ahead. Like, is that person currently where you want to be? That person is going to be able to guide you in that direction. They're going to be able to show you what things to avoid, you know, fast forward buttons to push, you know, things not to do because they've done those things incorrectly or the flip side of that things to do and focus on because they actually work.

14:16And then just that other thing, being part of a mastermind, being part of an accountability group, people who you actually know, like, trust, and respect, so that when you say you're going to do something, A, you want to do that thing because you don't want to let them down, and B, you know that if you try to stop doing that thing, they're not going to let you stop doing that thing, or they're not going to let you let yourself down. These are key, key components to success in your journey. And when we get back, Fire Nation, from thanking our sponsors, we're going to be talking about revealing your brilliance.

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18:01Mary Fran, reveal your brilliance. Break it down for us. So here's my very first thank you Jesus moment. Your brilliance is not hard, at least not for you. Kristen and I often say we are doctors of nothing and we do not believe in copious amounts of blood, sweat, and tears. We did that already. We did the blood, sweat, and tears part. So what you need to understand about your brilliance is, again, like resilience, it is an inherent part of you. The problem with, again, most people who are starting an enterprise, whatever, of course it's work. Of course it's tough. But we tend to think everything has to be tough.

18:46And the beauty of your brilliance is that it is not hard for you. But most people don't know how to uncover it and to use it. And this is where one of the things that we talk about with your transferable skill set, this is how you can bring your brilliance to what you're doing now and to what your, you know, your business enterprise, your personal issues, whatever, your transferable skill set. Kristen and I both have backgrounds as teachers. And while we are not teaching in a traditional classroom, all of that skill set was brought to bear in what we're doing now. In the TEDx talks that we both did, in the books that we've written, all of that stuff was already in there in our inherent brilliance.

19:31We just had to figure out how to use it in a way that could move us forward today. Yeah, you know, in terms of brilliance, like Mary Fran said, we were teachers. And I kept thinking to myself, you know, how does a how does a really good third grade teacher, which is what I was and had planned to be, take on starting a nonprofit for a rare disease that no one ever heard of and move it forward to get to clinical trials in record time that everybody said that's crazy. And I actually had somebody that said to me very early on and embarrassed me in front of a lot of people and said, he said, that cute little mom thinks that she's going to make a dent in this field of vision research.

20:14That sucker punched my heart, my gut, my brain, everything, right? But I kept on going and going through this process. And then only six years later, he and I were at the same FDA meeting, 12 people invited in the world to testify on behalf of the first ever treatment for blindness. And he and I were of that 12 giving speeches to get that approved. I mean, that's the power of I had to go through a journey and uncover my brilliance and then stick to that. Keep that in my mind of what my gifts and talents were. And you know what's funny? You probably remember, you probably know Sally Hogshead. Oh, yeah.

20:53Love her. Fascinate. Love her. I did her one of her challenges. And it was, you know, basically uncovering how you can fascinate in the world, what your skills and talents are. And mine came out as the people's champion. I have kept that in my mind and utilize the skills within me that align with that as the people's champion, you know, the champion for the blind community, assistive tech community, all that kind of stuff. And that's carried me. But that that's all stuff like Mary Fran said I had in me already. Look, you guys, I was exhausted. I wasn't wanting to go learn new skills. I'm too tired.

21:31I'm going to be 50. Who wants time? Who has time for that? It's all stuff you already have. And then you just channel it in a new direction. Your brilliance, Fire Nation, it's an inherent part of you. Like I loved when Mary Fran broke that down. Like to me, it was just like, yeah, it is. It's in all of you, Fire Nation. And the sad thing is a lot of people don't even think that they possess brilliance, but the reality is you're wrong. It's just, you don't know exactly what that brilliance is. And that's where Mary, Fran, and Kristen, they share this process of uncovering your brilliance so that you can share it with the world.

22:05Just like, you know, Kristen recognized the fact, hey, I'm a people's champion. Like, I'm going to be a champion for others. This is my brilliance. Let me move forward in this process. So please remember that, Fire Nation, your brilliance is an inherent part of you. So as we kind of went through those reset, rise, and reveal your brilliance parts, Kristen, let's talk about some practical applications of being brilliantly resilient. Yeah, so I love that you bring this into it, JLD, because it's important to, there's great to have this philosophy and a formula and all that. But if you don't know that it actually works in real life and how to do it, then what's it worth, right?

22:46So interestingly enough, Mary Fran and I are products of this formula together. Look, we started the Brilliantly Resilient journey as a world tour on live speaking stages. And we were about one event in and the world shut down in 2020 with the pandemic. And then we decided to turn on our video. We knew how to do video on Facebook and social media and started a daily show. just helping people uncover their resilience and brilliance. And we started meeting business owners, nonprofit leaders, the creator of Pictionary, like all kinds of people. JLD, you came on the show and were brilliant. And we started learning that it is these principles really do apply.

23:35And I will say this before we start to deep dive into it. If you follow Seth Godin, which I know that you do, uh, JLD. And if your listeners do, you know, he talks about purple cow standing out. Like it's really about your story and standing out. And that's what, when you uncover your brilliance, that's what you do. You be, you find your unique gifts, your unique take on the world, your unique way that you're going to serve people. And you just by default doing that stand out. We had a, um, we had a guest on our show that's local to our Philly community that we hadn't met before. And she had an in-person gym, right?

24:16Well, during the pandemic, all of that was one of the first things to go that people couldn't go into a gym. And her thing, when she was on our show, she said her core value was community and she was going to serve her community no matter what. And she came up with all kinds of stuff online. and offline and not being in person and following all the safety rules. She was more successful in the pandemic than any other gym than she had ever been. And she got so successful with the way that she, if you want to use the word pivot, Mary Fran doesn't like that word, but I'm going to use it anyway. If you use the word pivot, because she went through this formula and applied everything, she ended up closing the brick and mortar because she's more successful with everything else that came along and she stood out.

25:06I mean, like this beacon in her, in her niche, um, uh, here in, in the town of Philly and, and gained a ton of success from that. So, so the point is that when you really deep dive and we have a, we can talk about it later, what we're offering, um, to help you uncover your brilliance. But once you do that, that is how you, how you stand out and do all the things that you're trying to do to be the one person everybody thinks of in your niche, it's your brilliance that gets you there. So Mary Fran, I also want to hear from you as far as any practical and personal applications you've seen about being brilliantly resilient, anything you want to add to Kristen's story about what she talked about.

25:48And then also give us one massive takeaway that you want to make sure Fire Nation gets from everything that you've talked about today. And of course, Kristen, you can be kind of brewing on your big takeaway as well while Mary Fran's chatting. And then we will move into that amazing giveaway you guys have for Fire Nation. I think I'm going to hit you with my huge takeaway first, because it is so much a part of everything that we talk about. And the takeaway is this, do not be married to outcomes. Whenever we have a plan, whether it's a business plan, a personal plan or whatever, you know you want it to work of course you do you want everything to go exactly the way you want it to go but like how many times does that actually happen I mean I wish I could see everyone who's listening to this right now because I would want the people that that actually happened for to raise their hand so I can become their followers because it never happens there's always something that sets you off course but the beauty of that is there is also opportunity in that so when you work this process, when you align, figure out what your values are, that is so important.

26:57When you figure out what your values are, when you control what you can control and stay out of the land of magical thinking, when you institute an action step and surround yourself with the tribe, you will move forward in this place of brilliance. The brilliance feels good. When you are executing your brilliance, everything is aligned and you're feeling good. But the key is don't assume that that's going to just get you exactly where you want to go because everything that's happened with Kristen and I was so not part of the plan. Like we just, I don't want to say we fell into this because we intently and intentionally took steps to make good things happen.