Human Connection - The Baseline to Success and Happiness with Stuart Knight

0:01Boom! Shake the room, Fire Nation. JLD here and welcome to Entrepreneurs on Fire, the only daily show interviewing the world's top entrepreneurs seven days a week. Today, we'll be breaking down human connection, the baseline to happiness and success. To drop these value bombs, I brought Stuart Knight into EO Fire Studios. Stuart has written, produced, and starred in shows that have been seen by over 1 million people, has written bestselling books, and is the author of The Human Connection Group. In today's foundation, we'll talk about what exactly is human connection. What should we be aiming for?

0:35Three big conversations we need to know how to create and oh, so much more. And a big thank you for sponsoring today's episode goes to Stuart and our sponsors. Is now the time to grow a successful business? Attend the world's highest rated business growth workshop taught personally by Clay Clark and now featuring football star Tim Tebow and President Trump's son, Eric Trump at thrivetimeshow.com slash eofire. Again, request life-changing tickets today at thrivetimeshow.com slash EO fire. Stuart, say what's up to Fire Nation and share something that you believe about becoming successful that most people disagree with.

1:16Well, a big what's up to Fire Nation and to all the incredible listeners that you do have, that you've amassed over the years. And it's a pleasure to be with you, John. You know, to answer a question like that, you know, there's so many things I could say, but one that immediately came to mind is that I truly believe that the more that I experiment, the more successful that I am. And what I mean by that is that so often I meet either entrepreneurs or people with, you know, that I work with, with my corporate clients who they have these ideas, they have these goals, these things these want to achieve.

1:49And yet they will not start unless they are completely convinced that they've got every single duck aligned in a row. And I've always been the exact opposite. I've always been like, let's just throw anything at the wall. Let's see what sticks. And then if it falls off the wall, let's figure out a way to make it stick. You know, it reminds me of a friend of mine, Doug, years ago, who's a very successful entrepreneur. He was almost poking fun at me, but in a complimentary way where this is back in the days when I used to produce musicals in the city of Toronto. And here I was, this guy with a business and economics degree thinking, who the hell am I to go out there and do this?

2:22But when I looked around, I noticed that everybody in the industry would workshop their shows for so long before they finally felt like they were ready to be put on stage. And my friend Doug said, you know, Stuart's the only guy I've ever met who actually workshops a theater show and then charges people to watch it at the same time. And I've always felt like that was, you know, indicative of the personality I've always had. See, I love that. It's kind of one of those army synonyms that we always talk about as we're jumping out of a plane. It's like, hey, you jump out of the plane and then you figure out the parachute on the way down.

2:55You'll get there, believe me, when you know you're going to have a hard landing, you'll figure out that parachute side of things. It'll just make sense. So just get out there, Fire Nation. You make it happen. And today we're talking about the human connection, which is the baseline to both success and happiness. Now we've heard the phrase human connection before, Stuart, but many of us have never taken the time to think about what it actually means. So tell us, what is human connection? You know, it's funny because I think that a lot of individuals are convinced that they are connecting with somebody else and they base it on factual evidence.

3:31Well, I spoke to somebody today or I asked them how their weekend was or I made the effort to, you know, remember the names of my clients' kids. And while that is a form of human connection, no doubt, what I try to get my own clients and the corporations that I work with really understanding is that there's a humongous difference between as I call it and as woo-woo as it sounds I don't care uh the heart-to-heart connection compared to the mind-to-mind connection excuse me you see what most people do is they share thoughts how was your weekend a person tells you what they did in the weekend or where do you work or what school did you go to and what you're doing is you're exchanging statistics however the big difference between that and true human connection are those who go one step further and they create relationships with people where they exchange feelings, where you and I meet at a networking event, you and I meet at a barbecue, you and I are, let's say, partners in business.

4:28And when I do spend time with you, you walk away having felt something. Maybe I made you feel awe or I made you feel curiosity or maybe I made you feel loved? Who cares what it is? If it's a feeling, then we connected. If it's a thinking, we didn't. Now, you already went into this a little bit, but I would love to do a deep dive because when it comes to human connections, what should we actually be aiming for? How do we know if we're doing it right? What does that look like? Well, that's just it. You know, one thing I would say, kind of piggybacking on what I just mentioned, is ask yourself, when you're speaking to a customer, a client, a colleague, you know, your life partner, whoever it may be, ask yourself, is this person feeling anything in relationship to the conversation that we are having?

5:17And more specifically, ask yourself, am I making this person feel interesting or intriguing or exciting? Or am I making them feel important or that they matter or that they can trust me? And the answer to that question has to be yes, each and every single time. Now, to get there, though, I always tell people, you want to aim for five things and I'll rattle these off really quickly. Number one, when you're speaking to people, ask yourself, am I learning something new about this person? Because the more that I know about you, the more that I can actually connect with. And so if I'm only allowing you to repeat conversations that you've always repeated with me in the past, I'm not learning anything new and I'm not getting anything any closer to you.

5:57Number two, ask yourself, am I making the conversation meaningful to that other person? It doesn't mean you're not allowed to have a meaningful conversation that things what you care about, but am I allowing this person to speak about things that they're jacked up about? Are they talking about their favorite sports or their favorite artists or whatever it may be? Because the more I make them talk about the things that they care about, the more likely it is that they're going to feel something. The third thing you want to ask yourself is, am I making this conversation memorable? Is a person going to go to bed tonight and as they kind of go through all the different conversations they had that day, will mine stand out from the rest?

6:34Again, if you put that as your benchmark, it's going to force you to raise your game in the kind of conversations and connections you try to have with people. Number four, ask yourself, am I asking this person questions that are allowing us to find out what we have in common with each other? You see, I don't care what color of skin you have, how old or how young you are, how much money you make. We all have something in common with every single person we're speaking to. And it might be something just as simple as the fact that we both dream of traveling to the same country one day. But again, am I asking the conversation or questions and taking the conversation down a path that allows us to discover that?

7:08Because once that happens and those commonalities get to the table, we are now becoming more of a tribe as opposed to people who are just trying to do, let's say, a financial transaction. And the fifth and final thing, John, is, you know, am I asking questions that are allowing this person to just have more fun. Because, you know, as an advantage that you can give yourself in business is literally to give your customers or clients or colleagues an opportunity to just have more fun because they're living in a very serious world. And so are you letting that person, based on the questions you're asking, tell a story, let's say that of something funny that happened to them when they were a kid or a favorite memory from the years of college, whatever it might be, are you putting a smile on that person's face.

7:51And as I often call it, being the conductor of conversation, whether you're extroverted or introverted, you have the power to move the conversation that direction. And if you hit even one or two of those five things I just mentioned, you are significantly increasing your chances of that person feeling interesting and intriguing and exciting or curious or joyful or whatever it is that you want them to feel as opposed to what you want them to think. Fire Nation, this is powerful. I want to rip through these real quick because I was taking notes this whole time and really doing some thinking about this and saying, you know, I'm actually getting in a car with somebody today, driving about 45 minutes, and I'm going to put this to use for sure.

8:30But number one, am I learning something new? Number two, am I making the conversation meaningful to the other person? Am I making the conversation memorable? Am I asking this person questions that will allow us to find out what we actually have in common? And this one's a cool one. Am I asking questions that allow this person to have more fun? So think about those questions, Fire Nation. I mean, for me, what came up with number five is I get interviewed a lot on other shows. They ask me the exact same questions over and over again. This one person interviewed me and they asked me about my favorite hobby, which essentially is college basketball.

9:02I love watching college basketball. I went to a great school that plays. I actually just got back from Madison Square Garden where I went for the weekend to watch Providence versus St. John's, which is my alma mater, Providence. 11 of my college friends met me there. We had amazing weekends. And this person interviewed me all about college basketball. And it was the most fun that I had. I had so much fun during that interview. So guess what? When the interview went live, I shared it everywhere with my audience because it was new. It was unique. It was different. It was me having fun. And I don't share any other interviews because it's just me repeating the exact same things over and over again because I could ask the exact same questions.

9:37Oh, yes. This is just it. I was sitting one time with Sandra Oh, who some of your listeners might know from Grey's Anatomy or Killing Eve, quite a famous actress. And we were just at my friend's birthday party and I was just peppering questions out just for the fun of it about like, you know, what is your favorite childhood memory or what's something you got, you have to do before you die. Creative questions. And every time she'd finish answering, she'd say, ask me another question, ask me another question. And it's because she's just so used to going on all the big talk shows and having to repeat the Same thing over and over and over again.

10:09Fire Nation is so powerful. And we have a lot more around this topic to talk about when we get back from thinking our sponsors. Is this your year to grow a successful business? Are you looking to learn the proven processes and success systems that have been used to create thousands of millionaire success stories? See thousands of success stories and testimonials from real people just like you who Clay Clark has mentored and coached into prosperity at thrivetimeshow.com slash EO fire. Clay's proven business coaching program is month to month and it costs less money than hiring a minimum wage employee.

10:42Yes, it's month to month and it costs less money than hiring a minimum wage employee. Schedule your free personal 13-point assessment with Clay Clark himself today at thrivetimeshow.com slash EOfire. Because Clay only takes on 160 clients and only allows 300 attendees to each business conference, you will interact with Clay directly. See thousands of real success stories and learn about attending the Thrive Time Show two-day in-person workshop featuring football star Tim Tebow and President Trump's son Eric Trump today at ThriveTimeShow.com slash EOFire. Become the next success story. Schedule a free consultation and request tickets to join football star Tim Tebow and President Trump's son Eric Trump at Clay Clark's next business conference today at ThriveTimeShow.com slash EOFire.

11:29Now, Stuart, there are powerful conversations and there are predictable conversations. What's the difference? So I use those words because I really want to get the people that I work with thinking about the fact that they can raise the game from doing what everyone else is doing and into something that very few people do, which is most people are having predictable conversations and very few are having powerful. So a predictable conversation is one where, and we have touched on this, where people are being asked questions that they are used to answering or maybe not even questions, but just having conversations about things that they're most used to talking about.

12:06So the biggest one, and I joke about this quite often, is everyone is given constant opportunities to speak about the weather, right? It's like two colleagues bump into each other on a Monday and one of them literally is saying in their own words, oh, did you hear the sun? It came out again this weekend. Yeah, isn't that amazing? Apparently it's been doing it for like 4.5 billion years. And the next time we see each other, we should check in and find out if it happened again. And I joke around about this, but the point that I'm making is, is that most people on a daily basis are constantly talking about either the same things to do with work or the same things to do with the weather being nice on the weekend, or it was rainy or it was snowy, whatever it may have been.

12:46Most people are repeating the same conversations about their children. So how are you asking questions that allow that person to answer in a way that they're not used to answering and then increasing your chances of the two of you connecting in a more meaningful way? So I'll give you an example. If I say to you, you know, how was your weekend? And you come back and you say, oh, it was good, but it's pretty, pretty cold, huh? And if I go down that path, we're going to have a predictable conversation. But if I come back and just say, yeah, no, I know. Yeah, it was pretty cold. So out of curiosity, what was the best thing that happened for you this weekend?

13:18It's a simple question, and any one of your listeners can ask it. And yet just asking that question might get this person who I'm speaking to to come back and say, well, actually, my kid won the Tri-State Hockey Championship. Or my basketball team was down 17 points with eight minutes left, and they came back and tied it up with 30 seconds left and had a shot to win, and they lost. But it was such a great game. I was there with the Toronto Raptors many years ago, game five of the NBA Finals. So, yeah, so I know you came. And look how you made that connection. You know, now we're talking about something that's, you know, a commonality that we have.

13:49Well, that's just it, right? Or even let's say in your own relationship, like let's say your listener happens to be married or they're in a relationship with somebody and you really want to get a sense of where you're at in the relationship. Well, you might say to your partner, hey, look, is there anything I need to do this weekend that would just be helpful around the house? Well, that's great. And there's nothing wrong with that question. But if you're sitting around, you're having a coffee, you're having a glass of wine, what if you raise the game in your question and you said once in a while something like, what do I do that makes you feel most loved?

14:19And all of a sudden now, by me asking a question like that, I'm giving my partner the opportunity to answer in a way that is really going to give us a chance to connect in something way more meaningful. So a predictable conversation is where you repeat conversations people are having everywhere else. And a powerful conversation is where you look for the opportunity to take, in many cases, the mundane and turn it into something fascinating. So now that we're armed with this information, how does it impact both our professional and personal life? Well, this is just it. you know the research is in and i am imploring people to take it seriously because on a personal level i could throw so many high level stats out to you but just a few things to consider the research has proven now beyond a shadow of a doubt that when you invest in meaningful social ties with other individuals your blood pressure decreases your stress level decreases your immune system strengthens.

15:18You actually fight disease better than you would without having those social ties. You respond faster to things like cancer, chemotherapy treatment for cancer. I mean, the list goes on and on. A Harvard study once came out that talked about how the feeling of loneliness, which is, again, the lack of human connection in our lives, on a physiological level is the equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes per day, okay? So if you wanna live a longer life, if you wanna live a healthier life, if you wanna have less stress and less mental health challenges, you have to invest in those meaningful social relationships.

15:53On the flip side, on a professional level, again, the stats are really through the roof. I mean, on a productivity level, when organizations invest in stronger human connections, they are on average 12 times more productive at their jobs. In sales, 76 % of B2B buyers said that their decision to purchase from a vendor was based on the trust that was built within their working relationship. Or 73 % of customers believe that their personal connection to the seller plays a vital role in their purchasing decision. Again, the research is in on this beyond a shadow of a doubt. You know, absenteeism decreases when you increase your social ties at work.

16:35in manufacturing, when they place an emphasis to let people in the manufacturing floor have stronger human connections, defect rates drop by 50%. So look, the research has been done. People who invest in these relationships, not only on a personal level, take their lives to the next level, but then also in a business setting, you can find yourself in situations where you're hitting targets you would not have hit had you not invested in this. And so I really want your listeners to understand that, especially for those who are listening from a business perspective, if you want to raise your game, if you want to distinguish yourself from the competition, recognize and ask yourself whether or not you can infuse greater human connection into those client calls, or when you are speaking to the members of your team or your employees, or if you do have any kind of manufacturing element to your business, How can you infuse greater human connection into that day-to-day?

17:37And if you do, the research shows productivity increases, morale increases, absenteeism decreases, conflict resolution increases, the stats are in. And sadly, what most organizations do is they think if once we get all the other work done, then maybe if we have a little time left over for human connection, then we'll do it. Fire Nation, I hope you realize the power of what Stuart's talking about. And you actually have three big conversations that you believe we need to know how to create. Tell us more. The three that I quite often talk about are the first being what I call the onion conversation.

18:14And I use that term so people remember what I'm talking about. And I get people thinking about the fact that all of us as human beings are just onions. And we all have these layers to peel to get to the core of who that person actually is. And so the first thing I teach people is to remember the importance of always asking what I call part two questions. And a part two question is simply just focusing. And when you're going to your car ride today with that individual for 45 minutes, as they're answering any question you ask, it doesn't matter what it is. Ask yourself if you're asking good questions on the specific answers.

18:47And then they're going to answer that question. And then from there, you want to ask another good question on the new specific answer that they've given you. And when you're doing that, what you're doing is you're saying, I'm staying on this one section of the onion. I'm not gonna flip around and have a surface level conversation. And number two, what I'm doing is instead of pulling very thin layers to this onion, I'm gonna pull thick layers by asking good questions on the specific things that they say. So that's the first one. That's a big conversation to have. Have the onion conversation and ask those part two questions while peeling layers of the onion by asking good questions on the answer.

19:18The second thing I encourage people to consider is whether or not they're having the true story conversation. because everybody has stories. Sadly, they almost never get a chance to tell them. And if you let your customers, clients, colleagues, and friends, whoever it may be, tell their stories more often, the more often those people are going to feel interesting and intriguing and exciting and all the things we want them to feel. And the number one way to let people tell their story is to start incorporating the word why, okay? The question why into your conversations more often. A person tells you about a college that they went to and they've been going on for a little while, but how much they love that college.

19:57Ask them, why did you choose to go to that college as opposed to any other college? Someone's telling you about the fact that they went, you know, when they got married, they got married at a retreat in Mexico. Well, don't just assume that you know the answer. Ask them, oh, that's interesting. Why'd you do that? Or a person tells you about the line of work that they get into. Oh, why does this line of work interest you? You see, children are really good at asking the question, why, and we as adults, we think that if we ask the question, why, that we're interrogating somebody. And nothing can be further from the truth.

20:25And the way I do it, a little hack, is I actually compliment the person first and then I ask the why question second. So I'll say something like, oh, wow, that's so cool that you went to that college. I know it's really hard to get into that school. There is the compliment. Do you mind me asking why you chose to go to that school over any other school? And by complimenting them, I've now put them into a safe space of saying, hey, I think you're pretty cool. And then from there, I give them a chance to start telling me their story. Then the third and final one that I really get people thinking about is something I call the therapy conversation.

20:55You see, as human beings, no matter how successful we are, let's face it, we all have good days and bad days. And one thing that so many people shy away from in their conversations with other individuals is to think, I don't want this person to feel bad. I don't want them to have to talk about some of their difficulties or some of the struggles that they're facing in business. And I often say it's that these people, in many cases, are just dying to talk about those things and no one ever gives them a chance. Again, you become the superstar and the rockstar the second you let them do it. And so it could be something as simple as you're talking to a client.

21:32Hey, Bob, how are you doing? Bob comes back and goes, ah, you know, one of those days. Well, look to ask what I call the big questions in those moments to see if you can turn it into a therapy conversation. If it was me, I'd come back and say, oh yeah, well, let's make it at one of those days. And Bob might just tell me about, I don't know, one of his kids getting in trouble at school or a client that he's having some frustration with. Immediately we throw ourselves into that situation where we're vibing with each other now. I'm like, oh, tell me more about that, Bob, because I've gone through that too.

22:02And I know how it can feel difficult. Or you're talking to a customer one day and they're just telling you how busy they are with the kids in multiple sports and theater programs and how busy work is at the same time, again, once they've just told you something normal like that, they've opened the door for you to, again, ask a big question. So again, when I'm in those situations, I often come back and say, oh man, listen, I know you've got a lot of pressure on your shoulders with all the work you're doing these days. And I can't imagine three kids and they're all over the place playing different sports.

22:32Do you mind me asking, you know, how do you keep the whole work-life balance going? And you see, it's right there. It's just one of those moments where my, me asking that question, I've opened the door for that client or that customer more customer of mine to say something that makes the two of us go oh man that's I I feel you I feel you there and so these therapy moments they're there all the time and all we have to do is look forward I mean even with my friends when I see my friends sometimes like you know you say hey how's it going and our friends always respond oh I'm good I'm good sometimes I love to say to my friends I don't do this that often, but once in a while I'll say, all right, on a scale from one to 10, how good.

23:11And then quite often if they come back, oh, I'm a three, boom, here we go. What the hell's going on? Why are you a three? And then we immediately have that therapy conversation. So those are the three big ones that I really try to get people to focus on. The onion conversation where you're taking short moments and turning them into meaningful moments because you're asking good questions on the answer. Number two, are people telling their story because of you? Well, they will. If you ask the question, why more often. And number three, don't be afraid to ask those big questions because it's the big questions that will lead to big answers and big answers lead to big relationships.

23:44Stuart, dropping value bombs per usual, brother. Much appreciated. I've been taking a lot of notes, which again, I will be incorporating during my 45 minute drive today. We'll see how that goes. And I got 45 minutes back too. So maybe I'll really be able to hit a couple of these for sure. Give us the one big takeaway you want to make sure our listeners get from our conversation today. then share a call to action on how we can connect more with you. And then we'll say goodbye. Well, for me, you know, right now, my whole mantra is the importance of having meaningful connections with other people, but also having meaningful connections with yourself.

24:19And so I created something over the last two years that I'm super proud of called the Human Connection Group. And it is meant to be, and we're aiming to be, the world's biggest resource for people who are trying to harness the power of human connection, whether they want to become more successful in business or they wanna become more successful in their personal life, we wanna be a resource for people, whether it's offering courses or whether it's offering keynotes or programs, we wanna be there for people who say, okay, I've drank the Kool-Aid, I believe that this stuff matters, but how do I incorporate it into my life?