Mistakes Parents Make When Their Kids Invite Them Into Their LGBTQ+ Worlds with Dr. Lulu

0:28Who's ready to rock today, Fire Nation? tired pediatrician, three-time TEDx speaker, seven-time best-selling author, youth suicide prevention activist, LGBTQ plus youth advocate, and mom of a transgender young adult who lives in and agitates the governor of Texas. And today, Fire Nation, we'll be talking about the story of Dr. Lulu. We'll be talking about suicide and the sad reality behind it. We'll be talking about LGBTQ plus and youth advocacy. We'll talk about Dr. Lulu's story with Oprah and so much more. And a big thank you for sponsoring today's episode goes to Lulu and our sponsors. Is this your year?

1:10Visit thrivetimeshow.com to see testimonials of how Clay Clark's business coaching has helped over 2 ,000 entrepreneurs to dramatically increase profitability. It's month to month and less money than an average minimum wage employee. Schedule your free consultation today at thrivetimeshow.com. Outbound Squad hosted by Jason Bay is brought to you by the HubSpot Podcast Network, the audio destination for business professionals. Tune in for convos with leading sales experts and top performing reps to help you land more meetings with your ideal clients. One of my faves, the monthly app with Jason and Ethan, where they share hacks, tips, and tricks.

1:44Listen to Outbound Squad wherever you get your podcasts. Dr. Lulu, say what's up to Fire Nation and share something that you believe about becoming successful that most people disagree with? Becoming successful that most people disagree with is about honoring your inner child. Fire Nation, as you can tell, we're having a special interview today about the mistakes parents make when their kids invite them into their LGBTQ plus worlds. And you, Dr. Lulu, had quite the coming out story to your father. Let's hear that now. I was born, bred, buttered, and slightly burned in Nigeria, which is one of the most homophobic countries in West Africa.

2:33Ironically, Nigeria is also one of the most religious countries in West Africa. So go figure. When I was 11, I got into a boarding school for girls. So it was an all-girls boarding school. I was a nice little innocent girl. But by the time I was 16, which was time to graduate, it was a five-year high school. And I realized that I like girls. I was like, okay, is this a coincidence? What is it? What is it? And I told my dad, you know, who my dad and I are still buddies to this date. And my dad, you know, like most African parents, what he knew was it's a phase. So he was like, no, it's just a phase.

3:08You'll grow out of it. And so I believed him, which is what most children will do. Well, 26 years later, I did not grow out of it. I had finished the first marriage to my ex-husband. And I was like, yeah, I really like Keisha. See if we can act on that likeness. But anyway, the point I'm trying to make is it was not a phase. I didn't grow out of it. Neither did my own child when she came into the world as a boy, at least assigned as a male at birth. And we were trying to raise a boy. And I was like, this kid is a little too feminine for me. What's going on? And when she was 12, I actually asked her if she was gay.

3:50And she was like, no, mom, I'm not sure. She said, I'm not sure. But what I heard was no, which is kind of funny, right? Kids would tell you something and you hear something else. I heard no. So I said, you know, jubilating. Oh, yes. Thank you, God. Phew, please don't make him gay. Please don't make him gay. But God was like, so you think gay is the worst thing that I can make? Mikey, we're going to call my kid Mikey. And I was like, yes. And God was like, no, I have other things for you. How about transgender? I'm like, what? What are you doing, God? No. And then God was like, so who do you think I should make me a child gay?

4:28You are self-proclaimed talkative. You're agitator. You're a speaker. You're an author. You're this and that. So who do you want me to send? And I was like, well, I mean, if you put it that way, I guess. And then God was like, well, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you to do this work. But I'm going to send people like John Lee Dumas to set the stage for you, to give you a platform to get the word out there. But this work you must do. Otherwise, you're going to end up in the belly of the fish. And let me tell you, that's not going to look good with my style. So I was like, okay, God, I'll do what I got to do.

5:03I love my kid and embrace my kid. But that was only after I had been extremely homophobic towards my child. There's an entity in the LGBTQ community called internalized homophobia. Internalized homophobia only occurs, you guessed it, amongst LGBTQ plus persons. Hello? We hear all these negative narratives and negative whatnots coming at us from every corner. And so we start to believe that we are indeed bad. There's something wrong with us. We're bound for hell. And we start hating ourselves. And we start hating anybody that is like us. And so most, and I'm going to say this with my full chest, like they say in Nigeria, with my full chest.

5:48Most extremely homophobic people are actually closeted gays. Yes, I said it. I said it on John Lee Dumas' interim podcast. I said it. Come get me. That's it. Dr. Lulu, we have a lot to talk about. And I love that you're just cutting straight to the point. Something I think is an important topic that is actually near and dear to my heart for a lot of reasons is suicide because I'm a veteran and when a lot of people think about suicides, they think about veterans over 40 suicides a day, which is so sad. And you're a former U.S. Air Force Lieutenant Colonel. So I know this is meaningful to you as well.

6:28But people also think about those addicted to narcotics when it comes to suicide. But we also need to talk about youth suicide prevention. Talk to us about this topic. That is a topic that's so near and dear to my heart, not only because I have looked suicide in the eye, and it's not what I like to say, that I've looked suicide in the eye, but also I have lost more than one patient to suicide. Most people don't know that I'm a real physician. I'm like, I'm a real doctor. I'm actually like a pediatrician. This is my 32nd year of being a physician. So I've been around for a minute. I lost my very first patient in 2008, I believe.

7:09He was 15. And then before that, I lost a friend, a colleague, another Nigerian female physician to suicide. And then I nearly lost a seven-year-old patient to me in 2016 to suicide. So I have looked suicide in the eye. As a matter of fact, my first TEDx talk is titled Childhood Trauma and What You Can Do to Help because they didn't want me to use the word suicide in it. But really it's about suicide prevention in youth. What I like to say that most people will think is counterintuitive, but I'm going to say with my full chest is when it comes to childhood suicide, we must think trauma first. yes for adult suicide y 'all can think whatever y 'all want to think usually they say depression and all that but really if you look at what the who has on their list of suicides the top three commonest reasons for suicide mental illness doesn't even make the cut the first one is relationship problems i.e divorce i don't know breakups you know parental rejection that's a relationship, right?

8:14We have to look at that. Then financial problems. In 2008, after the dot com burst, we had a spike in suicides. That was not mental illness. That was loss of financial brouhaha. So the point I'm trying to make is the number one reason for children to decide to jump, which is what I like to say, is usually betrayal from a trusted person around them. And that's what I said on my TEDx talk. It's parental betrayal, friends between them, tears between them, being sexually assaulted by their trusted uncle or priest in the case of a Catholic kid. Whatever you can think of as childhood trauma, when children lose that trust, then they now go into the spiral of, I'm not good enough.

9:04And then that voice says in them, you know what, you deserved it, or you should have seen it coming, or what were you thinking? All of these words that start coming at you. And then before you know it, yes, you go to the doctor. Yes, they give you an antidepressant. True. But the number one side effect of antidepressants is suicidal ideation. So what are we talking about here? We're talking about parents trying to reverse the way they look at suicide. For instance, in the LGBTQ community, in the past 12 months, up to 47 % of LGBTQ kids, particularly gender non-conformists, have seriously considered suicide, not because they are mentally ill, but because of the way the society treats them because they are queer.

9:47We have to look at these things. We cannot pretend that the random governor of Texas making a law about LGBTQ kids and their parents being arrested for supporting their trans kids is okay with a child. It's not okay. We have to look at what we're doing to these children and how we're trying to cause something that's good and otherwise should be celebrated to become something that is bad and almost a burden on the child. And if it's a burden on my child, then it's a burden on me. So anyway, I don't even know if I answered your question, John, but let's just roll with it. We're going to roll with it because you're talking about a lot of important topics that are coming up in the world today and they're not going anywhere, Fire Nation.

10:28And we're talking about this and more when we get back from thanking our sponsors. Have you ever thought about starting a completely new business from scratch? Maybe a nonprofit or a bakery serving up the most chocolatey croissants. Yum. Whether you're starting a new business or growing one, if you want it to be successful, you need the most talented people on your team. That's where ZipRecruiter comes in. And right now you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash fire. Why choose ZipRecruiter for your hiring needs? Well, ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology finds highly qualified candidates for any type of role.

11:05They also offer attention-grabbing labels to attract the best candidates like remote position or training provided. Let ZipRecruiter fill all your roles with the right candidates. After all, four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. See for yourself. Go to this exclusive web address to try ZipRecruiter for free. ziprecruiter.com slash fire. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash F-I-R-E. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. Are you ready to grow your business now? What if you could learn the proven systems and processes that have been used to grow thousands of multi-million dollar success stories?

11:43At thrivetimeshow.com, see testimonials of how Clay Clark's proven business coaching has helped over 2 ,000 clients to increase profitability dramatically. Clay's proven business coaching program is month to month and less money than hiring a minimum wage employee. Sound too good to be true? Go to thrivetimeshow.com to see over 2 ,000 documented success stories. Because Clay only takes on 160 clients, he personally designs your business plan for you. Then Clay's team of talented designers, videographers, web developers, workflow mappers, and accounting coaches will help you implement that proven plan.

12:15See over 2 ,000 verified success stories and schedule your free one-on-one 13-point assessment with Mr. Clay Clark himself today at Thrivetimeshow.com. Knowledge will not attract money unless it is organized and directed through practical plans of action. Become the next success story. Schedule your free 13-point assessment today at Thrivetimeshow.com. Tech is great. It can help us grow and scale our businesses in so many ways, but it can also be clunky, time-consuming to manage, and expensive. That's why I'm excited to introduce you to HubSpot CRM, the best platform to speed up your sales and scale your business without blowing your budget.

12:55HubSpot's all-in-one CRM helps you automate tedious tasks, keep track of all your deals in one place, and make sure your whole team has access to the same data. No need to worry about the management and cost of a massive tech stack. HubSpot gives you everything you need all in one place. Plus, with fast activation, HubSpot makes it easy for the entire team to get up to speed, saving you precious time. And best of all, you can try before you buy. No commitment, no hidden fees, not even a credit card is needed to sign up. Get started for free at HubSpot.com. That's HubSpot.com. Dr. Lulu, there's a phrase that's called invite in that's being used a lot more often.

13:36Sometimes I'm thinking it's in the place of coming out. So what is invite in and what became of coming out? To answer that question, which is a great question, to answer that question, I'm going to send Fire Nation to take a quick 15-minute break and watch my second TEDx talk after you finish listening to this episode. It's titled, Rethinking the Closet, Coming Out as LGBTQ Plus versus Inviting In. And I heard the phrase, Inviting In, maybe a year or so ago when I was on another podcast. And I said to the lady, I made a declaration. I said, you know what? I love that concept so much. That's going to be the topic of my next TEDx talk.

14:19And, you know, there's power in proclamation. So the whole concept is, number one, whose closet is it anyway? Whose idea was it to put any human experience in a closet? when you look at the origin of the word closet and how lgbtq persons became synonymous with the word closet you see that it was actually started by i'm going to go there cis white men once upon a time many many moons ago and the idea was you know you you hide this aspect of your life you pretend it doesn't exist unless hide it in a place where no one will find it which is what we do with closets right you put your old shoes your old coats your school books or whatever things in the closet and your bones and your skeletons and then close it.

15:04But what you're doing in essence is hiding a portion, a significant portion, not the main portion, but a significant part of somebody's life away in a closet, causing multiple ripple effects like mental health challenges. People are afraid to even say that they're gay because guess what? Studies have shown that there are two peak periods of suicidal behavior in queer youth when they first realize that they're indeed queer or gay or lgbt and when they share with their family members aka coming out so if we're going to talk about coming out that means i am hiding something and i'm going to now bring it up to you.

15:50But the whole concept of inviting in is you, the listener, you, the adult, you, the other person needs to create a safe enough space for me to invite you into my world. So my world now becomes a beautiful rainbow world with all kinds of decorations and any kind of flowers I want to put in it. It's my special place. It's not in a closet. It's not hidden. It's not a secret. It's not a shameful thing. It just is. But you have to earn your invitation. So I get to invite you in because you created a safe enough space, aka you become an ally. So being an ally is a doing word. Allies like love is an action word.

16:35You don't become an ally secretly. You must announce your allyship. I must see that you're putting things in place to make me feel safe enough to say, you know what, John, I'm going to tell you something, something really special about me. Did you know that I'm bisexual? And that way, because I know that, John, you're going to be like, oh my goodness, let's go have a drink. Let's celebrate or whatever, as opposed to what? Don't tell anybody that. That's a secret. That's a shame. How did you know? Are you sure? Who told you that you are? Have you been sexually active? Were you sexually assaulted?

17:10You know, things like that all those myths, mistakes and misconceptions about the queer community. So inviting in is about empowerment. It's about owning your shit, as it were, that this is who I am and I have no apologies and I'm only going to invite you into my space if I find you worthy. And as the host who owns the right to invite you, I also own the right to disinvite you or to upgrade you or to do whatever I want to do, but I own it. I'm not hiding in any closet. That's the long version of the difference between inviting in and coming out. But especially since suicidal behavior has been linked to the coming out process.

17:51If it's been linked to that, then why don't we rephrase the words and make these kids free to be who they are? Thankfully, the next generations, the millennials and the the Gen Xs and the Gen Z, rather the Millennials and the Gen Zers and the Gen Alphas actually are the most accepting and most affirming generations so far. So the new generations, they know this thing. They know that it's okay to just be who you are and let's move on. We need to learn how to be that. That was powerful. Thank you, Dr. Lulu, for sharing everything about inviting in and what became of coming out. Let's talk about the Queen Oprah story.

18:34You were interviewed. Tell us that story. So I was minding my business about a year or so ago and I saw a call for, I think it was a call for like, do you want to be interviewed on Oprah daily? Do you have a job or do you have that you do that is of service to the community. And I was like, I have something that I do that is of service to community. I work in youth suicide prevention. I'm a Black queer physician, mom of a transgender youth. I think I can do this. I am doing this work to help create awareness for youth suicide, especially in the LGBTQ community. I think that's service. So I apply and I forget all about it.

19:25And then like in June, I get an email that Oprah, opened this interview by Oprah. Of course, I didn't believe it. So I discarded. I just believed it. I'm like, you know what? These guys, they're not going to get my money because I'm thinking somebody wants my money. And then I get another email like a month later, says, please open or something like that. Do not, either do not discard or something like that. And I'm like, wait, is this real? I called my kid. I said, this says it's from Oprah Hearst magazine. What is that? So my kid was like, well, mom, I mean, I don't know. You know, you've been hacked before.

20:01So you sure you want to open it? I said, well, let's look at who is Hearst magazine. And then we look and it's like Oprah. I'm like, what? Open it. And so we opened it and we responded and then we got invited to be interviewed on OprahDaily.com. She's doing this The Life You Want Masterclass. And that masterclass, we're going to have Rebecca Welch and I forget his name, the African-American guy. And anyway, who's going to be there? And then we're going to like just, I just thought we're just going to be in the audience. But no, you get to be asked questions by Oprah. And then Oprah asks me about imposter syndrome.

20:43I'm like, so what happened was she was like, Dr. Lulu, tell me about this imposter syndrome. How so? You know, and I say, you know what? The truth is, yes, I'm doing the work. Yes, I'm talkative. Yes, I'm loud. Yes, I'm in your face. Yes, I'm passionate. And a lot of times I go to bed afraid, afraid for my child, afraid for myself. I live in Texas. People want to arrest me just for loving and supporting my kid. And every now and again, I'm afraid that no one is going to listen to me. I'm black. I have an accent. You know what I mean? All those things. And she was like, well, I'll tell you something.

21:18You are gallant. You are a trailblazer. You are a queen. Don't you ever think that you have imposter syndrome again? And I was like, yes, Auntie Oprah. So the truth about it is we all have moments when we experience imposter syndrome, especially as entrepreneurs. We don't think we're doing enough. We don't think we're making enough difference. We don't think anybody wants to hear what we have to say. Like, why me? Right? But the truth is, why not you? Why not you? Like, who else is going to do it? Like I said, you know, the conversation I had with God, who else is going to do this work if not you?

21:53And the truth about ideas when it comes to entrepreneurship is if you don't act on it, God is going to give that idea to somebody else who's going to do it. so you might as well just just pull the the bandit and just jump and then figure it out on your way down that's what i have to say so that's kind of how i got on oprah and um yes so i get to say i was interviewed by oprah we spent 11 minutes oprah and i 11 minutes that's an eternity to spend with oprah i mean if you boil that down to what her dollars per hour is that she's worth it's it's millions and millions of dollars. So Dr. Lulu, let's end with a bang.

22:34You have an upcoming book launch and retreat. Tell us all the details. So one of the things I realized, and thank you for that question. One of the things I realized is when it comes to entrepreneurship, you got to put yourself out there. You know, invisibility is the killer. And then when it comes to accepting your lgbt plus child lack of self-acceptance is the killer so i put those two things together i said okay if you don't accept yourself you cannot accept your child now what lies beneath self-acceptance self-love so i said okay how about put this self-love thing to the test and then I created a self-love journal and I published that in November of 2022.

23:21It's literally called Dr. Lulu's Self-Love Journal with a 30-day challenge prompt. So I was looking at the journal and I was like, okay, so this self-love journal on a daily basis, you ask yourself, you know, why did I love myself today? And then if you're going to love yourself, how much better are you going to now love your child? Because now you love yourself because now you accept yourself. So we are having a self-love retreat for parents of LGBTQ kids. Seven lucky parents are going to rock the house with me this fall. Stay tuned for the exact dates, but in the meantime, go to dr-lulu.com forward slash retreat for all of the details, all of the frequently asked questions, everything you'd like to know about this amazing retreat for you by me, Dr.

24:09Dr. Lulu. Thank you. Wow. Fire Nation, you are the average. Of the five people you spend the most time with, you've been hanging out with Dr. Lulu and JLD today. So keep up the heat. If you have any direct questions, eofire.com. Just type Lulu in the search bar. That'll pull up the show notes page with links to everything, ways to contact Dr. Lulu, all that jazz. And one more time, what is that direct URL to that call to action, Dr. Lulu? Dr. Lulu, thank you for sharing your truth, your knowledge, your value with Fire Nation today. For that, we salute you and we'll catch you on the flip side. Yay!

25:04in accomplishing your number one goal in 100 days. And we're talking step-by-step. Visit thefreedomjournal.com. And I'll catch you there or I'll catch you on the flip side. Is this your year? Visit thrivetimeshow.com to see testimonials of how Clay Clark's business coaching has helped over 2 ,000 entrepreneurs to dramatically increase profitability. It's month-to-month and less money than an average minimum wage employee. Schedule your free consultation today at thrivetimeshow.com. Outbound Squad, hosted by Jason Bay, is brought to you by the HubSpot Podcast Network, the audio destination for business professionals.

25:39Tune in for convos with leading sales experts and top performing reps to help you land more meetings with your ideal clients. One of my faves, the monthly app with Jason and Ethan, where they share hacks, tips, and tricks. Listen to Outbound Squad, wherever you get your podcasts.