When Business and Marriage Collide with Amy Wine: An EOFire Classic from 2021

0:01Boom! Shake the room, Fire Nation. JLD here and welcome to Entrepreneurs on Fire. are brought to you by the HubSpot Podcast Network, the audio destination for business professionals with great shows like The Product Boss. Today, we're pulling a timeless EO Fire episode from the archives, so the giveaway may not be active, and we'll be breaking down when business and marriage collide. To drop these value bombs, I have brought Amy Wine into EO Fire Studios. Amy is a wife, mom, marriage therapist, business coach, and professional taco eater. She's the owner of Amy Wine Counseling Center and Marriage Sparks and business coach for Michael Hyatt & Company, and she's obsessed with real talk and real relationships.

0:40And today at Fire Nation, we'll talk about how it's hard to have a successful, fulfilling career if you feel failing in your marriage as well. And the whole process of having a balance in life and time management might seem hard to fulfill at the moment. You might just need to learn the steps to achieve it for your business and for your marriage and so much more. And a big thank you for sponsoring today's episode goes to Amy and our sponsors. Online Marketing Made Easy podcast, hosted by Amy Porterfield is brought to you by the HubSpot Podcast Network, the audio destination for business professionals with a focus on online business, including digital courses, list building content, and more.

1:13Online Marketing Made Easy breaks down big ideas and strategies into actionable step-by-step processes. A recent episode that will help you get more results with a whole lot less stress is on four ways to avoid burnouts. Listen to Online Marketing Made Easy wherever you get your podcasts. Ever thought about giving a TEDx talk? It's one of the most powerful ways to share your message with the world. And four-time TEDx speaker, Taylor Conroy from Thought Leader can help you get there. Visit thought-leader.com slash fire to join Taylor's free training, where he teaches you how to land a TEDx talk and spread your message to millions.

1:48Amy, say what's up to Fire Nation and share something interesting about yourself that most people don't know. I feel like I should say howdy, Fire Nation. because I'm living in Texas. Totally. Because that's the what's up. Something people don't know about me. I would think a lot of people would be shocked to find out that I lived in my car for about six months at 18. Wow, yeah. I feel like that's something I might've known about you. I'm not positive because what I was gonna actually follow up and share is that something that Fire Nation doesn't know about you and I is that we actually were both at Tony Robbins Business Mastery a little over a year ago in Las Vegas.

2:34And we're actually on the same team going through that process. So it's pretty crazy how time flies. It is. And I remember that because I fangirled you. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. That's right. And then we just ended up on the same team. So it's kind of like you're a mini stalker you didn't know you had, I think. Oh, it was totally meant to be. We had a blast the entire time and definitely would not have wanted to go through that because it was a very interesting process. Would not have wanted to go through without you because you were definitely taking charge. And I was like, you know what, I'm going to kind of hang back a little bit and let some other people step up here because there's some pretty interesting things going on dynamic wise.

3:14And if anybody's been to a Tony Robbins event, you know what we're talking about. If you haven't been, you don't. And that's okay, too. But listen, Fire Nation, we're talking about what happens. when business and marriage collide. And Amy, as you heard from my introduction, is the person to talk to on this. So let's start with values. How, Amy, do values impact both your marriage and your business? Yeah, sure. I think the values, they're kind of our true north. So they're foundation for how we conduct ourselves in business and in marriage. So I think when we think of values, especially as entrepreneurs, we often think of them as these are the values of our business they're our core our foundation right they're the lens that we see everything through they should be the lens that you're making all your decisions through your values for the business but often in marriage we don't see or think of the core values as being that impactful so they really impact everything you do in both places or what you say, how you do it, the communication methods, how you manage your relationships, your impact on your lives and the world.

4:29And even when unspoken, values kind of underline every single decision you make. But if you're not intentional about them, when you're making the decisions, you will often make missteps. So in business, we would make the misstep there, But what happens in your marriage if your values don't align or you don't know the reason behind having them? So what I mean by this is, for instance, I have a value, a core value in my life of stability. And that kind of goes back to living in the car. I did not have a stable childhood. But my spouse, while he might think stability is good, it's not his core value because he's always had it, right?

5:20So when he was working, and at one point he was working all over the world, and I stayed home with our kids at that time. And part of the problem in our marriage, which we did not know at the time, came down to this value. And I kind of call that my angriest wife on earth years. Um, because what I needed was stability. I needed to know when he was home, when he was leaving and kind of where he was at in between and that he was going to come back. And when you have a spouse that travels two to three weeks out of every month all over the world and you don't know where they're at from one day to the next, it doesn't leave you very feeling that way.

5:58Right? So then all of my other stuff started coming out and impacting it. um so i think they just say this is how i want to live my life and this is who i am but the problem arise when we don't really know who we are or our self-worth is damaged so we don't even know what values and if they're polar opposite from your spouse or polar opposite from your business partner so i think it's just very important to have a conversation of what your core values are and go deeper into understanding why they are held. So that's the key right there. Not just knowing what the values are that are important to you.

6:41Go through the exercise. Take the list of 100. Narrow it down to five. It can be done. And then why do you have that value? Because until my spouse realized, for an example, why stability was so important to me, everything just fell off the radar and we just disconnected. This is really clicking with me right now because I'm actually reading this fascinating book. It's called The Psychology of Money. And they really go in depth in this book about how it's literally impossible for people who have never been through an absolute recession or depression market or economy to really understand what people who have been through that, how they look at money in the markets and the world in general.

7:29Because they're just coming from two different worlds, Just like people who have never experienced inflation, they don't understand how some people who have gone through massive inflation cycles, how they react to money because everybody has different perceptions of money because of when you were born, where you were born, what you went through. It's all shaped this understanding of how you deal with money. And that just really clicked with me when you were talking about stability and how your husband has never really had instability in his life on a major level. so he has a hard time relating to you who is having major instability you know living in a car not knowing where you're going to be able to take a shower where your next meal might come from and so for you now like you're like hey this is like number one on like my Maslow hierarchy of needs like I want stability like this is what's going to give me this feeling of happiness and satisfaction your husband's like well what do you mean like that's just something that we have we just have this stability because that's all that he's kind of known throughout his life And that's really interesting to think, Fire Nation.

8:32And it kind of reminds me a little bit, Amy, about like the five love languages and how like, are you speaking that same language and how you can go from a hundred values down to five? Like you said, you can get down there, but man, that's tough. So what are your thoughts on that? Yeah, it absolutely is. And I'll say my husband's version of stability and his definition of it was money. it was achieving success providing for the family to have a stable home that's what his definition of it was and I just wanted him to be there or at least know when he was coming and going where he was um I love that you talk about the five love languages because I do that with every single color that I see uh-huh because it's so black and white and it makes so much sense and if you're speaking Greek to someone else's German, you're going to have conflict.

9:26And you'd be surprised at how many couples are the exact polar opposite in their love languages. So one may be acts of service, and they may be, you know, cooking and doing the laundry or cleaning out your car for you. But that, you know, that doesn't speak to if that's their love language, and they're trying to speak to you in that manner, and all you really want them to do is provide quality time and sit and watch the movie with you, you're not going to feel the love from it, but it goes back into the core values, right? So that is the next exercise I always do. It's one that kind of surprises couples because they're not expecting it, but boy, the conversations that come out and just the deep understanding of each other's held beliefs.

10:13And most times you find you may have a different set of five, but they're not that far from different, right? So, when you have that, you align on so many things. You just have to talk about it. You have to know it and you have to get to know the why behind it on the values. Now, it seems like it's the minority of being able to have a successful, thriving entrepreneurial business and a successful and thriving marriage. And that's a sad fact, but it seems to be a fact. You hear about a lot of people struggling and, you know, even couples that you see like, quote unquote, on Instagram, you know, are having these divorces.

10:56And you're like, oh, my God, I thought they were like the happiest couple in the world. And now they're just like done. And you're seeing it because things are so public these days. So is it possible to balance a successful business and a successful marriage? Yeah, it seems impossible at times to do this. but I often hear this is these are the things that I hear when we're not balancing the marriage and business very well I hear things like it's just a season just until this product comes out just until I launch this or when I achieve xyz then we just got to get through this and then I'm going to come back and I'm going to pay attention to my marriage but what happens is you get to the end of that season or launch or whatever it is.

11:42You achieve the massive goal that you set for yourself in business, but there's always another thing after it and another and another one. And before long, your spouse is getting frustrated and they're maybe cheering you on all the way because they love you, but they're giving something up and that is their time with you. So after a while, that becomes frustrating and stressful. So you're going to be celebrating your success alone. it's not healthy for yourself or your marriage to withdraw and focus in on the thing that's taking the most attention of your time in the moment. It's the squeaky wheel, running from fire to fire, or sometimes it's simply you might feel more successful at your job than you do in your marriage.

12:31So we just simply start spending a little more time there because we don't want to feel that sense of failure in our relationship. This is the kind of thoughts you have to be having Fire Nation when you're going through like, hey, this is what I'm doing day to day in my business. And hey, this one doing day to day in my marriage. And how are those things matching up? So Amy, keep on rocking. Okay. So over time, if you leave it unaddressed, many couples find themselves in kind of a cycle and they feel trapped in it. So there's tension bubbling under the surface and at times that tension is very loud it can go on for years I decades I've been there I spent probably 10 years of my marriage being angry angry and there's a sense of dread like my husband and I talk about it now but there's a sense of dread he had coming home to either a cold, chilly reception or even hostile.

13:33So then things like criticism, stonewalling, contempt, defensiveness, those are the main types of communication you start using, but they're really just to hide the pain of what's happening in the relationship. So then that goes to the cycle of leading to more hours at work. Then both partners are having guilt, anger, jealousy, rejection, and it keeps going on and on and on. So if it's left unchecked and you're not talking about it, even the strongest marriages, they're going to have their foundations cracked and eroded over time, even when they're being the cheerleader, because there just isn't that time.

14:17It has to be intentional time for both. And you absolutely can balance both. The spiral of doom, Fire Nation, you have to avoid starting to go down that spiral because just like Amy was sharing, it just compounds on top of itself. It's like that snowball going down the hill, getting more momentum before you know it. You know, it might have started off as just like a little disagreement is now this like unstoppable boulder that is just out of control. And we have so much more value coming at you as soon as we get back from thanking our sponsors. If you're a sales leader, then you know that expectations are at an all-time high these days.

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18:06Oh, yeah. And I will tell you, it also is going to apply to your business relationships. So there are characteristics that entrepreneurs have that make them successful in business, right? And it's also the very things that can bring down their marriage if they're not careful. So I kind of almost believe there becomes this who wins type of scenario when marriage and business collide. Like which one takes the priority? and then what's the fallout for the other side so if I take this time off to spend with my wife then I meet her needs and that provides happiness which provides me let more freedom to go work but there's almost this sense of choosing who is the winner for entrepreneurs like who gets my time Who wins it?

18:59So there's I've narrowed this down to four things that the conflict in marriage with entrepreneurs are. So we're going to start with four and that's finances, especially in a startup. If the finances are, you know, a struggle, we're starting up, we're putting a lot of money in. Those are some conversations that couples absolutely need to have. the next one is risk taking especially if they're not married to another entrepreneur so entrepreneurs are known for being risk takers and I mean there's varying degrees and certain levels of that but if you're not a risk taker you don't understand the need for it right so you have to come and talk to your spouse about that one as well the second one coming from the top.

19:52Most people think this is probably the number one and that's communication. And I agree that is a big reason for conflict in marriage with an entrepreneur. It's a big one. Communication we could talk about all day long and do probably a hundred podcasts on and still not cover it all. So it's basically knowing that we got to learn each other's communication styles, right? But that isn't the number one reason for conflict in marriage with an entrepreneur. The number one reason is time management. So let me explain a little bit because I could hear people just groan every time I say it. They're like, are you serious right now?

20:38No, not time management. Yeah, time management. So as entrepreneurs, we could work all the time, especially if you're a visionary that kind of my brain is always on. It is always coming up with new possibilities, new ideas, new creations. It's very difficult to turn that off. So it's like this 24-hour cycle that even sometimes wakes me up in the middle of the night. But everything kind of seems important or urgent, or I got to document it, or I got to move on it. But what happens in marriage is that leaves. But what happens in marriage is that leaves the spouse feeling alone, like they're not a priority, and wondering why they're even married sometimes if it goes on too long.

21:25If you have children, it gets even worse. Their spouse starts feeling like they're a single parent. When the reality is, if we would actually just slow down, it's not going to only improve performance and business, but it's going to allow you the space to breathe in all areas of your life. to address your priorities and your loyalties. So we all have the same number of hours in a day. So when I hear I don't have time to do it all, I take that as a challenge for me to tweak your thinking a little bit. Because I get it. We're all living in a busy, fast-paced world where being busy is rewarded. Of course, I get it.

22:07There's going to be dinners to attend, weeks away traveling for work and so forth. There's calls and emails in the evening, even when you're trying to watch that movie with your spouse. But if you don't watch it before long, your spouse is going to start feeling like they're not a priority. And when we really drill down on where the time is bent, it becomes a matter of priorities and not the time. Time management, Fire Nation. If you can understand how important this is to get right, you are taking a giant, giant step forward. And by the way, having both a successful business, but also having a successful marriage, those two obviously go hand in hand in a perfect world.

22:50So let's talk about the importance, Amy, of determining each other's roles and responsibilities in a marriage. Because I think a lot of people don't really understand that there can be this kind of delineation of like, okay, these are your roles, these are my roles, and this can work because we've been very specific. We've determined what these responsibilities are that we're having, that I'm having, that you're having, that we're sharing. Talk about that. Yeah, absolutely. I think it is, this is one vital question, and it kind of goes and ties into the one before. Or when you're not managing your priorities well, nobody knows who is the priority.

23:30So they may be a physical priority or responsibility or something that we've got to do. But your loyalty is tested by what you put on the calendar. So every time you say yes to something, ask yourself, what do you say no to? Or who are you saying no to? And when you're thinking about roles and responsibilities in your marriage, it's also the same question. what am I saying yes to but say no to at the same time and which one should have my loyalty or the priority so there's a rule of thumb when you're having a conversation and it's about roles and responsibilities in the marriage if something is bothering you but you keep going on and not saying anything about it the rule of thumb is if it bothers you again a day or a week later it's time to have the conversation no matter how small you think it is because it's going to become a small problem is going to become a massive problem at some point but I believe this speaks to more than just roles of responsibility so this kind of where I'm different as a marriage therapist and a business coach because it doesn't matter what we do for a career entrepreneur leader fortune 500 CEO you could be a teacher a bus driver a stay-at-home mom or dad every role is important in our life and community.

24:50So we have the same core needs to bring balance into our life. There's 10 areas of life that each individual person needs to review and address. So this is where I'm different because I want everyone to look at their individual role and responsibilities first before the business and the marriage. So that is career, marital, financial, emotional, physical, social, parental if you have kids, intellectual, your learning, hobbies, and your spiritual life. So the question really becomes, how can we be successful on an individual level in these 10 areas of life? Then look at your marriage and ask, what roles and responsibilities do we each tackle that allow us to be healthy human beings on a holistic level so that we can create the space for our individual self, career, and most importantly, our marriages.

25:50So all of this ultimately comes back to your careers as well. It's very difficult to have a successful, fulfilling career if we feel we are failing in our marriages. It's very difficult to have a successful, fulfilling career if we feel we are failing our marriages. It weighs us down, it affects moods, all of our relationships at work and at home, leaves us feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. And ultimately, we tend to avoid what we do not excel at. And that comes back full circle and actively impacts those things that we're good at in a negative way. So it comes down to managing the priorities in the 10 areas of life, knowing where your priority and loyalties lie, and then making the commitment.

26:37so a word of caution on the word commitment I want to talk about for a second as a side note so there's two definitions of commitment so if you say I'm going to make a commitment to look at these 10 areas of my life we're not all going to be good at all 10 especially right off the bat I think I only had like two going for me and that was career and marriage because I'm a marriage therapist. So that had to be working. The rest I was not good at. But commitment is the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause or activity. So it's dedication, devotion, allegiance, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity.

27:15It's those things that you think of when you think of the word commitment. But there's a second definition and it's an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action. So it's a responsibility, an obligation, a duty, a tie, a liability, a burden, pressure, undertaking task. So when we're thinking of commitment, we have to be sure when we're saying we're going to commit to this, we're going to commit to finding balance in these 10 areas, we're going to commit to spending more time with our spouse and balancing our life and our business. you got to make sure your commitment isn't in the negative.

27:56It comes out with when I do this, if they do this. When you put those conditions, it just sends to your spouse that they're not important. Fire Nation, you can see why I brought Amy on the mic to talk about this topic because she has this covered inside and out. And Amy, of everything that we talked about here today, I loved that thing that we talked about when it came to time management. I think that really did raise some people's eyebrows and give some people some aha moments for sure. But what is the one thing that you really want to make sure Fire Nation gets in this entire conversation that we had?

28:37Then give us a call to action or any kind of gift you may have for Fire Nation, and then we'll say goodbye. I am passionate about real talk, real relationships, and real life. I live in the real world. So when I'm talking to people, I also know that fairytale endings, they're few and far between. So this whole process that I'm talking about with balance and life and time management, it might seem out of reach at the moment. But I want to challenge Fire Nation a bit and say, what if it all came down to the simple fact that you didn't know the steps it took to achieve life balance? So it's not something that's taught to us in school and our parents didn't know the secrets either.

29:19Like you didn't come out of the womb learning how to ride a bike. So just for a moment, imagine your life if you committed to learning the art of balancing your individual self and the profound impact it would then have on your business and more importantly, your marriage. Because you don't have to be constantly grinding in order to be successful. Embrace the fact that rest, reflection, and simply being still are also essential to a successful and happy life. Out of the thousands of couples I've worked with, I work with mostly entrepreneurs, high achieving professionals and their spouses. The work that we do on the individual basis changes the entire marriage.

30:03So people often think of the marriage as it has to be both parts. It actually just has to be about the individual person and their ability to manage all the pieces. And honestly, I have seen people take their businesses. And I mean, when I learned this, I went from 80 hour work week to 30 and I make three times what I made in just six months. So I know it works. And as for my gifts to Fire Nation, I have a couple. I have the core values exercise where I help you break down those hundred things to five in a succinct manner. And not only am I going to give them to you for your marriage, I'm going to give them to you to implement in your business and with your teams.