Why Selfish Women Are More Successful with Valerie Jones

0:01John Lee Dumas:Boom, shake the room, Fire Nation, JLD here and welcome to Entrepreneurs on Fire brought to you by High Level, the all-in-one sales and marketing platform and today we'll be breaking down why. Why selfish women are more successful and to drop these value bombs, I brought Valerie Jones into EO Fire Studios. Valerie is the author of The Selfish Year and host of the Selfish Women podcast. She's redefining the word selfish for a generation of women by helping them stop abandoning themselves and build lives that feel as good as they look. So we talk about the success trap, the selfish experiment, overthinking isn't the problem, and oh, so much more.

0:34John Lee Dumas:And a big thank you for sponsoring today's episode goes to Valerie and our sponsors. Fire Nation, meet Hutworks, the number one boutique fitness franchise with 850 plus locations. They pioneered virtual workouts inside infrared saunas. With recurring membership revenue, a low labor, high tech model, and a proven franchise system, entrepreneurs gain a scalable business built for growth. Visit hutworks.net slash franchising to learn more. If you are building a real business, you need real infrastructure. High Level gives you website hosting, funnels, email marketing, automation, calendar booking, payments, and course hosting all on one platform, plus award-winning 24-7 support.

1:11John Lee Dumas:Get a 30-day free trial and my full bonus stack that includes a 15-minute private call with me and much more at highlevelfire.com. Highlevelfire.com. Valerie, say what's up to Fire Nation. and share something that you believe about becoming successful that most people disagree with. Hey, John. So great to be here. Thanks for having me. Yeah, I love this question. And you know, what I believe to be true is, especially for women, that we have romanticized selflessness. We've been taught that the path to success is giving more, proving more, sacrificing more, hustling harder. And while giving incredible value and serving are integral to success, what often happens for women is that we build our business around this principle while ignoring the one thing that will make or break your success, and that is your relationship with yourself.

2:10We've been taught to put our needs last, to serve and care for everyone else in our business, in our homes, in our families. And this results in overwhelm, exhaustion, burnout, and a disconnection from our soul, which is where creativity, inspiration, and wisdom lives. So in my opinion, the people who build extraordinary businesses aren't the ones who ignore themselves. They're the ones who know themselves.

2:33John Lee Dumas:Fire Nation, we're gonna continue that conversation, that string, as we talk about why selfish women are just more successful. And I wanna talk about the success trap to start, Valerie, because so many high-achieving women, they're rewarded for abandoning themselves. why? And why is that pattern so hard to recognize? It really is, John, because abandoning ourself isn't something that we wake up every morning and go, hey, let me abandon myself today. We don't think that. It is so subconscious and yet it is happening everywhere. And I see it in so many women entrepreneurs, women who are in top levels of their field and their industry.

3:12They aren't realizing that that's the pattern they're running from, but it is nonetheless. and women have been conditioned to be there for everyone else from childhood. It really is a program in our subconscious minds, the caretaker, the peacemaker, the responsible one. And then we become adults who continue that program because now it feels like our identity. Maybe she's the employee who always says yes to everything and then everyone dumps the work on her desk or the founder who is available 24-7, the leader who never complains, the entrepreneur who hustles until she's exhausted, makes sure her team is happy, goes above and beyond for everyone.

3:51We get applauded for these behaviors. We get the promotion. We get the success. We get the clients. Our lives look great on paper. Society looks up to us as role models. Those are very strong signals that continue to reinforce this belief that your needs don't matter. And it's insidious because it lives in our subconscious mind. So yeah logically we can say yeah i know i need to take care of myself i need to put myself first i need to prioritize rest sleep nutrition but we want to create a business or a life that feels good and is successful and if our subconscious program is running our life that program will keep you on the treadmill of making sure everyone else is happy and life looks great on paper until Well, one day you look around and wonder, where are you in your life?

4:41You're exhausted, overwhelmed, burned out. You feel lost, but you're terrified to do anything different.

4:47John Lee Dumas:Let's talk about the selfish experiment because you had a breaking point, Valerie. So take us there to that breaking point. And what led you to commit to a year of being selfish? And then, of course, how the heck did that decision transform your life? Yeah, you know, I was this woman. I was raised to be the one who takes care of everybody. The good girl, I call it. You know, be nice, be polite, look after everybody and life will go well for you. Be selfless. And that is what a good person does. And so I tried that for about 45 years and it led me down some really dark paths of self abandonment and giving up what I knew I needed, what I knew I wanted to keep everybody else in my life happy.

5:31And I found myself at the beginning of 2020, living in Spain with my second husband, we were living the dream life. We were both entrepreneurs working online, expats in Valencia. We had just bought a beautiful apartment in the historic district of Valencia, restored it. We'd moved in about three months before this, but inside I was like dying inside. I was miserable and I couldn't figure out why. I felt a lot of shame about that because my life looked great. But inside I was like, why am I not happy? And what I didn't know at the time was that I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. And I just knew that I felt crazy.

6:13I felt like I was the problem and nothing I knew how to do was working anymore. My life was breaking down. And I got to that breaking point, as you said. and in January, I met with a group of other women entrepreneurs. We meet every January. We share like, what is our word for the year? We get a little woo woo. We talk about what we want to create for the year. It's such a great way to kick off the year and then really see like, what did you create last year? And how did that work for you? And I was about to get on this call with these women and I'm thinking, what the heck is my word for the year?

6:47I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow, but this word selfish kept bubbling up. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. That is not the word I want. We've been taught that selfish is a dirty word. You know, it's something we don't want to be, like arrogant, self-absorbed, self-obsessed. Why would I pick that word? But it wouldn't leave me alone. And so I got on that call and I just said, look, guys, I don't know. My word for the year is selfish. I don't know what that means. I feel weird even saying it. And they were like, cool, like, can't wait to see what happens. and after I got off that call I was like wait like being selfless has brought me to this place where I'm really just feel so lost in my life and I need to do something radical I need to shake things up what if I just saw this as an experiment of like what would happen if I actually put myself first for an entire year and so my very first selfish act was I booked a one-way flight out of out of Spain and back to Canada where I'm from.

7:44And I just said, look, I need to take some space. I need to figure things out. And so I'm going to go and, you know, just like hang out with my kids and figure things out. And that one act led me on an incredible journey for that whole year. And, you know, I was thinking like selfish sounds interesting. Like, am I going to be going to spas and traveling and whatever. No, what it looked like was facing the depths of myself that I've been running from my whole life. And of course we ended up being in the pandemic year, which is exactly where life wanted me because I had to sit by myself for an entire year and really go deep into my self-abandonment patterns and my core subconscious belief system that had set me up to really just give away everything of myself to everyone else.

8:36And I dealt with that over that year. And I started to really understand that this is actually a key that unlocks so much potential, purpose, passion, clarity, because we are starting to unlearn these patterns that have kept us stuck in circles of self abandonment and people pleasing our whole lives. And that year just broke everything open for me and set my entire life on a different trajectory. And my biggest successes and my biggest relationship wins and my biggest happiness has been from learning how to put myself first, my connection to myself.

9:16John Lee Dumas:Let's move on to the word overthinking and specifically how overthinking is not the problem. Because, you know, throughout all of this, you continue to say and to state that overthinking is actually a self-trust problem, not this clarity problem that a lot of people might think. So what exactly do you mean by that? Yeah, I love talking about overthinking, especially with women. We are classic overthinkers. We are ruminating inside our brains about everything. And the women I work with, you know, they have this high level of success in their businesses, but inside it's a hot mess. They are overthinking every decision, second guessing themselves and it's keeping them really from being able to achieve the highest levels of success they want because yeah it's not about clarity uh overthinking is not a lack of information it's really what happens when we stop trusting ourselves and what a lot of people don't realize is that overthinking is actually a self-protection habit your brain is trying to solve a problem by looping through patterns of thought.

10:23But look, how's that working for you? It isn't. It's keeping you stressed out. It's keeping you distracted. It's keeping you from actually being able to make decisions. So we need a better pattern. But I thought I'd ask you, John, if I asked you what your favorite ice cream is, assuming you like ice cream, do you have an answer?

10:41John Lee Dumas:Dolce de Leche Haagen-Dazs. Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Okay. So that answer came quick, right? You knew exactly what kind of ice cream you like. You didn't distrust yourself. You didn't have to search around for that answer of what you love about your ice cream flavor because why you've had experience. You've tasted lots of different ice creams and you were able to land on like, aha, this is the one. So that answer comes easy because you have had experience and you have evidence. But if I ask the bigger questions, what if you need to leave your job or do you want to start that business? Should you invest in that company?

11:20Should you move cities? Suddenly we start asking chat GPT. We're polling our friends. We don't know what to do. Why? Because we don't have evidence yet. You haven't experienced that thing yet. So what does your brain do? Oh, I know. We'll just overthink. We'll try to ruminate. We will try to find that answer. And that is just not the best tool for making those scary unknown decisions. So, yeah, clarity does not come from overthinking. Where clarity comes from is getting into action. Just like, John, you had to sample all the different ice cream flavors. You had to figure out what you liked by trying them, by tasting them.

12:01You couldn't just read the Dolce de Leche label and go, aha, that's the one I want. You had to taste it. You had to try it. And life requires us to get out there and try things and savor things and taste them and find out what you like, what you don't like. We have to be willing to taste something icky to find something we enjoy. So instead of overthinking, I want you to think about get into action, try stuff, fail, make mistakes, learn and trust yourself that just like knowing what flavor of ice cream you're gonna like, when you try different things, you will then know exactly what's right for you.

12:40You don't have to overthink it. moving to Spain. I didn't know if I was going to like it or not. It was a huge decision, but I just told myself, look, if I don't like it, I can move back. It's not set in stone. And it gave me that perspective, gave me the courage to go and try something different.

12:57John Lee Dumas:All right. I just sent Kate a text message to pick me up some Dolce de Leche for tonight. It's your fault, Valerie. It's on my mind now. I can't get it out. And Fire Nation, we're going to be talking about good girl conditioning, redefining the word selfish and more when we get back from thanking our sponsors. Okay, Fire Nation, let's talk about something every business owner should care about, making your cash work harder. High-yield savings accounts exist for a reason. Your emergency fund shouldn't just sit there losing purchasing power to inflation when it could be earning interest. The problem is most businesses don't have an easy way to earn on their cash, so huge amounts sit idle in checking accounts, earning little to nothing.

13:33John Lee Dumas:Waldo changes that. It gives small business owners, startups, nonprofits, and enterprises, a way to put idle cash to work through a high-yield treasury account. With Waldo, you can invest in pre-built portfolios of treasury bills, investment-grade bonds, and more with yields up to 5%, same-day liquidity, and extended SIPC insurance coverage up to$75 million. There's no minimum deposit, and you don't have to change banks. Opening an account takes less than five minutes. Visit waldo.ai or use the link in the show notes to start putting your cash to work like big companies do. Use code EOFIRE when you sign up to receive a 1 % deposit match up to$1 ,000.

14:10John Lee Dumas:See full terms and conditions at waldo.ai. Some businesses make money. Some make a difference. The best businesses do both. Imagine owning a business where people leave feeling better than when they walked in. That's Hotworks. Hotworks is the number one boutique fitness franchise, combining infrared workouts, virtual instruction, a recurring membership model, and a scalable proven system that's helping entrepreneurs grow successful businesses while making a difference in their communities. And as entrepreneurs, we know how valuable it is to have a proven system to follow instead of starting from scratch.

14:43John Lee Dumas:Hotworks gives franchisees and established brands a unique fitness concept and a business model designed to create recurring revenue. Hotworks has 850 plus locations, giving entrepreneurs the opportunity to join a growing brand while bringing something unique to their own community. Because building a successful business isn't just about the bottom line. It's about creating something you're proud of and making an impact along the way. You don't have to choose between purpose and profit. With Hotworks, you can have both. Visit hotworks.net slash franchising to learn more today. That's H-O-T-W-O-R-X dot net slash franchising.

15:17John Lee Dumas:Fire Nation, if you are building a real business, you need real infrastructure. That is why High HighLevel is Entrepreneur on Fire's featured partner. HighLevel gives you a website builder and hosting, funnels and landing pages, email marketing, appointment scheduling, payment processing, course and membership hosting, and so much more. Everything you need to succeed, all under one roof. No duct tape, no juggling five platforms, just one clean system for your business. And their award-winning 24-7 support has your back when you need it most. When you sign up at HighLevelFire.com, you also get my exclusive bonus stack, a 30-day free trial, a private 15-minute call with me, JLD, access to my weekly live office hours, a digital copy of my book, The Common Path to Uncommon Success, my 50 Days to Something Execution Roadmap, and more.

16:05John Lee Dumas:Visit highlevelfire.com and start building your something today. Valerie, we're back, and I want to talk about breaking free from what? Good girl conditioning. So how does good girl conditioning keep women stuck in this people pleasing hesitation burnout mode? Yeah, the good girl is what I like to call the program. And again, I'm going to talk about our subconscious because that's where a lot of this lives. But the good girl program is from childhood when a lot of women were raised to be the good girl and we were praised for being good. And so we learn very quickly and very well how to make the people in our life happy.

16:45and that program is all about being loved and accepted. So that's a very powerful program operating in our subconscious mind. And good girls, what do they do? They don't make people uncomfortable. They will make themselves uncomfortable in order to make other people comfortable. Maybe they're going to laugh at your joke, even if it's not funny. Good girls, they're not going to disappoint people. They're not going to ask for too much. We don't change our minds. We don't take up too much space. And look, I have worked with so many entrepreneurs whose good girl is running their business and they don't even realize it.

17:21But when I start asking the right questions, they can see it because they're saying yes to everything. Everyone likes them. They're very nice. They're very polite. But inside what's really going on is they're deeply resentful and they feel taken advantage of. and under the mask of the good girl, because it is a performance, even though we don't know we're doing it, we're performing this good girl version of ourselves to be accepted, to be loved, to get the clients, to please people. But underneath that mask, these women don't know who they are, and they've lost connection to their soul, which is their connection to intuition, creativity, inspiration, and yeah, clarity.

18:03So one major problem I see all the time with a good girl who's running the life, running the businesses. Yeah. These women say, yes, they work hard. They're there for everyone, but they've taught everyone around them that they will always be available. She's always going to be there, pick up the slack, go the extra mile. Now, guess what? That's what's expected of her. So everyone dumps the work on her. Everyone comes to her. They know she's going to work overtime. She's going to work late. She'll do it. And so she's applauded and praised for this. Everybody admires her, but she's also stuck in this trap of her own making.

18:40So it can seem impossible for women to get out because at that point, what's it going to require saying no disappointing people. That's something that deep down she's terrified to do. So this is where overthinking comes in again, to bring it back to that, the struggle to make decisions is there because she's factoring in everybody else, their reactions, their experience, what they need trying to make everyone else happy. And in the end, who's unhappy? She is. Just like I was saying about me in Spain, right? It's like, wait, everyone around me has had live in the life, but why am I miserable? Because we keep overriding what we really need in order to make everyone happy.

19:19And at some point, yeah, you hit that breaking point. And so many women are either burnt out, they want to burn it all down, or they're ready to build something new that's on a solid foundation of truth.

19:32John Lee Dumas:Valerie, you've reclaimed the word selfish as something positive. So why do you believe that being selfish is actually the antidote to self-abandonment? You know, my relationship with this word has really been incredible and it's confronting, isn't it? It's confronting to hear, be selfish. And when I talk about this with women, the first thing they say is like, wait, but what about being a giver? What about being generous? What about being kind? And it's like, okay, that will all come, but it has to come after you prioritize yourself because otherwise you're doing all of that giving from exhaustion and overwhelm and depletion.

20:10That doesn't feel good for you. That doesn't feel good for anybody else either because we can feel it. We know it. And so the word selfish confronts us with this conditioning that we have to give everything to everybody else and essentially abandon what we need to make everyone else happy. And so, yes, the word selfish really just isn't about putting yourself before other people. What it really means is putting yourself back into the equation. And instead of always asking, what does everyone else need? What will everyone else think? What's the responsible choice? you have to actually stop and ask, wait, what do I want?

20:55And that might seem really simple, but for a lot of women, especially high powered, ambitious, high achieving women, that's not a question they're asking themselves. So yeah, it's reclaiming a word that has been used to actually keep women from owning their brilliance, from claiming what's theirs, from taking up space, using their voice and being visible. And by redefining this word, it actually gives women huge permission to build a life that is deeply connected to her soul, aligned with her values. It nourishes her mind, body, spirit, and also starts to help life feel exciting again, because she's living from that deep connection to herself and that connection to herself.

21:43Now she's giving from overflow, from abundance. You know, it's like the cliche of put your own oxygen mask on first in the airplane. That's what this is. And we don't know how to do that. We have to learn how to do that. Because once you give to yourself so much that you are in overflow, now you're giving from joy, peace, love, happiness, abundance. And that feels good. It feels good to give from that place. And it also feels really good to receive from someone who's giving from joy. We don't feel guilty about it. There's no shame. There's no ickiness. And so that requires this deep connection to self.

22:26And then, like I said before, right, it unlocks her levels of creativity and inspiration, also motivation in huge ways that can skyrocket your success because your energy is coming from within and it's fueling your passion and your purpose. So, yeah, it requires this willingness to work on the subconscious programs that have been running your life and keeping you stuck in these patterns and learning how to have rock solid boundaries. So you're going to know what your decisions need to be and you have to be willing to disappoint others in order to not disappoint yourself. And I really think that's key.

23:12And I want everyone listening to think about that. Because if you are willing to disappoint yourself every single day in order to not disappoint anyone around you, why would you think that your biggest success is going to come from that place? It won't. We have to learn how to feel safe and regulated enough to be able to say, no, I'm sorry, I can't do that because I know that there's something better for me. And once you get that and you start to live that way, wow, the freedom that comes, the liberation that comes is phenomenal.

23:46John Lee Dumas:Fire Nation, we talked about redefining selfish, good girl conditioning, overthinking, the selfish experiment, the success trap. Valerie, take us home. If Fire Nation wants to learn more about you, wants to connect with you, what is your call to action for our listeners today? So I have something really exciting that I'm creating as we speak, because I wanted to build a space for women where we can actually hang out and not only learn about how to rewire our subconscious programs, how to connect to ourself, how to grow into this biggest version of ourself, but also a space where we can network with each other, where we can learn from each other, but also have a good time doing it.

24:33I'm all about fun. If it's not fun, I don't want to do it. So what I've built is a room called the society. And this is a community on circle, which is a free app. And the society is going to be, in my opinion, the best space online for women, because we're going to do it together. We know science shows us that women evolve in communities, women regulate their nervous systems in communities. Women transform in community. And so I'm building a community for us to do all of the things and do it together and have fun doing it. So what I would love to offer to your listeners is one month free inside the society.

25:12And I will give you a special link and you can come on in and check it out and hang out with us.