Rebuilding a Man: James Roffey on Failure, Masculinity & Mental Strength | Extraordinary Life Stories

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0:40People complain less when they're chewing. Book your deep clean now at stanleysteamer.com. Stop there. That's near death. And you've self-impleated that. Put yourself into that. You've, in your eyes, failed.

0:53James Roffey:I initially didn't start this journey of self improvement for myself. I initially did it for three people. The person I was with at the time that broke up with me, I didn't look like a man. I didn't emit masculine energy. And the reason why she didn't want to be with me because of that. And it was also my parents, my mum and dad. Tell me, who is James Ruffey? Me as a person is about mastering the art of resilience, trying to carry on no matter what life seems to chuck at you. At the age of seven, I was scouted by Charlton Athletic. 17, dream shattered. We don't think you're tall enough. Weirdly enough, obviously I'm six foot four now.

1:26Ultimately where did you end up weight-wise? It was diagnosed as anorexia, it then manifested itself into bulimia. My parents had to sign a do not resuscitate order in front of me because I was in high risk of going into cardiac arrest and then the conversation got up about have you thought of it's worst case scenario?

1:41James Roffey:Like in my head it's like no one's gonna no one's gonna sleep with my wife like just a silly way of thinking so I just flat out refused like no that's not an option it was like well that's the only option or we separate. There's a light bulb moment that comes where it's like I want to do something in the terms of but I don't know where to start. What advice would you give?

2:09Welcome. Thank you for having me. I've been looking forward to this. I like the way this is built up as well. There's a real desire for you to be here. Yeah. And feel that. Yeah. And the whole extraordinary story that goes with it. but tell me who is James Roffey? Oh, that's a good question.

2:25James Roffey:I class myself as a high performance and mindset coach, but with me, it's more, my story is about, like me as a person is about mastering the art of resilience, overcoming adversity and trying to carry on no matter what life seems to chuck at you. That's, yeah. No, fair play to you, man. Massive respect, because I know a fair amount already and I'm going to learn a lot more from you now, but can we start with where that almost that resilient piece really kicked in for you which if i'm right was at 17 years old unless there's a piece before well unfortunately it didn't kick in at 17 obviously that's obviously the that's the bit i know about yeah right yeah the this like the power of the mindset isn't it obviously had i have had the tools i have now what if i'd have had the setback that i had at 17 i think things would have been very very different obviously i didn't have any form of resilience i I didn't have a good mindset to deal with adversity.

3:17James Roffey:And obviously... I hear you. Yeah. And I want to know what you've done to build those commitments. So tell me where that sort of started from 17 points of view. Yeah, so see, at the age of seven, I was scouted by Charlton Athletic. I started playing football as a goalkeeper at the age of four, trying to emulate my dad. My dad obviously was a goalkeeper, made it to like semi-pro. and when I started watching him play he was like vets football so like over 40s it was like watching him pull off saves and everyone hugging him and like the camaraderie it was like I want that I want that obviously I've always always looked up to my dad and he kind of took me under his wing and I was like his protégé so to speak so I started playing at the age of four and then quickly started playing an older for older levels than what my age was so I think at four and then five I was playing under sixes under sevens and then I went to a tournament and then i got scouted by by chelton and it was just we want you to come and play for us we come for a trial and that was the next 10 years of my life taken up i used to have like uh an agreement with school that i could leave school early to go to football which as a kid i was mr popular because of that it's obviously like the whole flex of i'm leaving school to go play football like yeah big time big time so yeah we i used to train three times a week and then obviously matches on a weekend um i was obviously living down south at the time i was living in mate stone and i used to go to school in ashford so it's like ashford to london massive massive commitment from my parents obviously my mom used to take me on during the week and then my dad would take me on a weekend for matches and that was it that was like my whole my whole upbringing was was surrounded by football that was it i didn't know any different and every year my contract got renewed and i mentioned this recently it's obviously like when you're when you're at that age of 7 to 17 and you don't really have any um perspective for the world you don't you don't take things as well what if that doesn't work out what if they're lying to me what if they're what if they're over egg in the pot you just take everything it's like you're good enough you're good enough you're good enough all right i'm good enough like you don't have an ego as such you just take you believe what everyone's telling you and I just thought that this was it at 13 I got made captain and I got to train at Bisham Abbey which was England's training ground at the time they're their coaching facility or see my company what it's called now but and playing on the pitches next to but the claim to fame was like Alan Shearer and Michael Irvin and people that you'd watch on telly and now all of a sudden you're working with the England goalkeeper coaches next to them it was just like wow this is like so cool and yeah i guess it just reinforced that i was going to make it and it was just a natural just waiting to get hit reach the age where you sign a professional contract and then at 17 dream shattered um we don't think you're tall enough um straight weirdly enough obviously i'm six foot four now but i was a late late developer and that will become clear as to why I was a late developer later on.

6:25But yeah, obviously, being a goalkeeper, you have to have certain attributes. Back then, it was more stature rather than modern day goalkeepers. You've got to be an outfield player, essentially. So my height was my biggest weakness and I didn't tick a box, essentially. So it was, thanks for your time. Go back to what you know. That's what I got told. There's nothing you can do about that. You can't grow yourself if you're given some advice on skill level or commitment they're all things you can work out to be told that yeah it's uh it's a hard stop right that was really like i lost i lost my granddad like a few years prior to that at the age of 11 and obviously that was my first real like death trauma but obviously i had all these other things going on so it was the blow was lessened because i had structure and routine and i had to be at certain things at certain places and obviously i had my family around me obviously fast forward to 17 and the one thing i always had was now not there doing the deep dive now i think i just i lost my identity in an instant i didn't know who i was anymore and what i thought i was with all within my social circle i wasn't anymore i was a footballer that was going to make it and then all of a sudden i wasn't it was like well who who am i now um and that was incredibly difficult for me to cope with um what was the fallout from that the fallout from that was I internalized everything I didn't talk about my problems I didn't talk about how I was feeling so my my biggest thought was I'm a failure the commitment that my parents made to me they spent 10 years and I can't imagine how much money and it was for nothing in my head it was for nothing my grandparents used to come and watch me and to me it was wasted.

8:11And off the back of that, I left school the following, six months later I left school after my first year of A-levels because I wasn't good enough. I was never academically clever. Despite going to a grammar school, I was definitely the bottom of the 10%, the top 10 % in the country to get to one, and I was definitely the bottom percentile. And I think I kind of gave up in my head, didn't really try. And because my grades weren't good enough, it was, you can leave. So I had to go to college, so it was the rigmarole of leaving my friends behind, so all of a sudden I'm now a failure to my friends, I can't keep up to the same level as my peers, therefore I'm a failure.

8:48And then when I started college, that would have been end of school year, so what, July? And then in September I went to college to get enough points to go to university, and then a couple of months after I started college, my nan was diagnosed with cancer, and she passed away within two months by the time it was diagnosed it was already it already spread everywhere so it was like palliative care and mcmillan nurses and because i was at college two and a half days a week seeing the rate of decline from her just i think that was the final straw for me i just um shut down i felt like i was out of control of everything and strangely enough obviously we're talking over 20 years ago now there wasn't none of the soaps or none of the news or none of the newspapers spoke about eating disorders the only person I knew and that my family knew was Karen Carpenter from the Carpenters she obviously had an eating disorder but I guess how I was wired and my routines from being physically fit I ran with my old routine of running and obviously I was trying to run away from all the stuff that was probably going on in my head but it doesn't matter how far you run how fast you run it's you're taking it with you um and i took the running to an extreme and then i started to cut back on what i ate and that gave me that runner's high that endorphin that feeling of something because i was just emotionless to to everything i wasn't happy i wasn't sad but running and then the cutting back on the food gave me that adrenaline rush that actually made me feel somewhat alive.

10:26A really unhealthy combination, ultimately. Where did you end up weight-wise? Initially, obviously, it was diagnosed as anorexia. I had that for about 18 months. So we're now talking 18 and a half. And near enough, as soon as it was diagnosed as anorexia, it then manifested itself into bulimia. So I lost the high of running and cutting back on what I ate, and I was becoming too ill to run at the same level as what I did before. So I gave up. All in, all out mentality with me. And then I decided to make myself sick. The first time it ever happened, my parents were out for dinner. Obviously, I was chronically hungry all the time with the anorexia.

11:08And I kind of, again, in my head, fouled. I couldn't even keep having anorexia because I gave in to my urges. And I remember eating everything in the fridge and then the guilt and then the feeling of doing what I did. that then made me feel something again that feeling of like i can eat this but then not keep it down therefore i'm not eating it and then that's the next cycle started of i'd gone from anorexia to bulimia and that's when at 21 i was five and a half stone at six foot four yeah kayak gets my flight hotel and rental car right so i can tune out travel advice that's just plain wrong. Bro, Skycoin.

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12:45I was passing out at home and then I woke up in hospital and I was on multiple drips and my parents had to sign a do not resuscitate order in front of me because I was in high risk of going into cardiac arrest. They obviously weighed me and obviously that's where I was like 41 kilos. And it was at a point where, oh yeah, high risk of going into cardiac arrest and my potassium and phosphate levels were that low in my body because of the chronic um making myself sick that if i'd have gone into chiroch arrest they wouldn't have even attempted to revive me so stop there that's near death and you you've self-inflicted that put yourself into that you you've you've in your eyes failed at all these different things that are then almost like you've been trying to run away and you close all the doors off yeah that resilient piece comes in now i mean was it something that someone said was it a realization of some of the literally the last parts we just described where did you bounce

13:44James Roffey:and then try and crawl out of i bounced at uh about 24 so i was 21 then and after after that stint in hospital i was i was never sectioned under the mental health act i was nudged into a an eating disorder unit i couldn't be an impatient because i was the only guy and there couldn't be mixed sexes on the ward which is a there was a common theme with my whole eating disorder I was the only guy that I ever interacted with which was pointed out to me by a therapist which wasn't actually good because I opened up Pandora's box of like so I'm not a man am I not yeah so that was another that's another story but I think after after being in an eating disorder unit for I was in there for about six months I think because I'd started to well I was made to eat the control was completely taken away from me and obviously that's what it was I was trying to regain control of my life being so chaotic with all this trauma that I was regaining control with something that was inevitably going to kill me and so the fact that that control was then taken away I was I was sitting around a table I'm not force-fed but fed food wasn't allowed to leave was monitored couldn't go to the toilet after having that food I think after six months of actually eating small very small amounts compared to what I eat now, it was like the negative rose-tinted glasses came off and I saw myself for what I actually was.

15:12The body dysmorphia had gone and I saw myself as a guy that looked like he was going to die. And that's when I need to, for the first time, I think I've reached that point where I was like, I need to change. I don't know how to change. I can't do this on my own anymore. Because prior to that, it was like, yeah, it was all right. I can start. I'll stop tomorrow i'll stop next week in denial yeah and a deliberate um kind of acknowledgement that you needed help and you wanted help yeah that's a really powerful message because um people i know in a sort of personal capacity people that have sat and i've filmed with have said that the only way that you can get yourself help is when you acknowledge that you need help and i guess that's

15:53James Roffey:that was the moment for you yeah 100 and i think that that's that's a message to take for for anyone out there that is either struggling themselves or has loved ones and friends it doesn't matter how much support and resources and money that you can chuck at things unless they are willing they have reached that point where it's like i i need help now because otherwise they're not gonna they're not gonna take it on board they're not gonna try and implement changes um so i think it's yeah changes will only ever start when you reach that point where i i i need more yeah i want more out in my life i'm conscious of time because you and i could do a deep dive now definitely but if we take where you are where you were there to know anyone that's watching is going to see you looking a picture of health right it's in your eyes as well as in the physique yeah so it's very clear that you came out of that yeah you decided you're going to fix yourself you got help to now do so much to want to help others i think that's what drew us to you know i want to open up i think there's a really important message there i mentioned stephen corker earlier and other people that have spoken to me about the the the lack of a safety net where someone at 17 was probably fighting fit glint in your eye world at their feet dreaming of playing in a big stadium and so on and then it shattered and there's no one despite all the effort that your parents would have made and yeah any friends and so on you internalized you told yourself you're a failure and we know there's some really terrible stories of people that haven't made it through that yeah what more needs to happen there in that environment and what are you doing to help people now with that empathy that you've got i think in terms of if we take if we take football at the start i know there's obviously there's a lot more there's a lot more support going into things and there's a lot more of the education as well so it's not just you're not all in with football anymore some some clubs now it's like if you're not at a certain level with your um like academic ability then they will release you so obviously it's they're trying to give people the tools and the skills that if football doesn't work, they actually have some kind of backup plan and qualifications that can see them into another career, which obviously is not the one they want.

17:57James Roffey:But if you go all in with something and it doesn't work out, and you know the stats when it comes to professional football is 0.01%. So there's a lot of rejection there. And if you've got nothing as a backup, yeah, you've heard the stories. And obviously, I'm another one of them. Yeah. And maybe there's an expectations element that needs to somehow be brought in by club level, maybe even parents and kind of support and the lads themselves. I say lads, you know, kids will certainly be plenty of girls now on the success of Vionettes. Yeah. So it just needs to be managed. It does. I think that's the difficult thing because it's obviously who enforces it because there's so many people that need to step up, the individual themselves, the network around them, the family, the club.

18:46James Roffey:it's everyone needs to do more. It's actually, it's quite hard to have them all in a room and sit down. And obviously that's where you look at the stats. The stats, when it comes to obviously mental health problems, they're not improving. So whatever's being done currently isn't good enough. If it was run as a business, it would have gone bust by now. No matter how you're going through life, this is a business conversation, this is a parenting conversation. At some point you're going to take a knock, however severe that is. And then how do you prepare for that? I think you prepare for that by doing the hard work within yourself obviously that and that can be from there's multiple areas to focus on obviously from with what I teach the pillars are obviously training and that doesn't have to be within the gym it can be sport-based um so that's just physical yep obviously you have to be physically fit there are so many attributes to obviously like flexibility mobility your heart your confidence as well obviously how you how you project yourself obviously if you are if you're if you're skilled in an area you're going feel more confident you're probably going to look more confident nutrition as well is another important thing obviously i'm going back into like the pt days of like your training in nutrition but then more importantly it's your mindset your mindset and also your lifestyle so mindset is obviously like how you see yourself how you see others how you see the world um and obviously then your lifestyle it's who you hang around with what relationships you have with these people and are these people that there's like a campfire analogy that you're sitting on On one side, the campfire represents your goals and who you want to become.

20:15James Roffey:The people on the other side are your family, your friends, peers. And you need to make sure you need to do a deep dive around that pit to see who's putting logs on that fire and who's putting water on it. That's the polite way of saying it. You need to make sure who is actually there to help you. Who's filling your cup and who's being a drain. Exactly that. It's such an important thing because you're almost fighting an uphill battle if you have people around you that aren't actually helping you on that journey you can utilize their network and yeah obviously spout ideas off other people if they're just going to ridicule you and put you down they're not the people that you want in your circle there's someone watching or listening to this now who's inspired by it right again looking looking at you as someone who's got themselves together pulled themselves out of a place that you know i can't even imagine um what advice would you give to them where they're overwhelmed they're they're looking in they they there's a light bulb moment that comes where it's like I want to do something to change it but I don't know where to start.

21:13What advice would you give?

21:15James Roffey:Again the easiest way to say it is to start small. It's obviously that it's that one percent better. But is there something you do? What I mean by that is we both know that could be eat something healthy. That could be go for a walk with a fresh air or is it a combination of all those things but I suppose what I'm really asking you is probably in a more personal way is what do you reflect on that really work for you? Was it actually building your strength back up and or was it what worked for you what worked for me i i initially didn't start this journey of self-improvement for myself the honest answer i i i initially did it for three people the the person i was with at the time that broke up with me because i thought that it's not that i didn't look like a man i didn't i didn't emit masculine energy and the reason why she didn't want to be with me because of that.

22:05James Roffey:I never got closure on the situation. I don't know why she did what she did but I took my own closure and that was how I saw it and it was also my parents, my mum and dad. The amount of pain that I put them through. I can't say that I regret it because it's made me who I am and it's made our relationship even stronger to this day but for them speaking to them multiple years after i'd recovered to actually listen to the pain and the worry and the anxiety and the the the point where they nearly broke up because of me um for them to see me now knowing that i'm good that was the that was the biggest catalyst so i know i'm gonna sound like a bit of a hypocrite because you want to change for yourself but if you can't change for yourself is there someone in your circle that you can change for whether that's your parents whether that's a friend to try and be an example to someone else having spent time now looking at you on social media and so on why the wrong male role models are rising to the top there isn't really like a model that young men can follow like a pathway that men can follow i think it's over the last probably decade that image of what a man is has become very muddied in the water so there's not actually a definitive if you ask a million people what a man is or what makes a man a man you'll probably get a million different answers so there's no exact method and i think unfortunately if you want to use andrew tate as an example there are probably maybe 20 of what he says is actually spot on the way that he delivers it is awful so So it's obviously like the message, some of the messaging is exactly what's needed, the way that it's delivered.

23:54And I think, unfortunately, when you look at social media, it's whoever shouts loudest gets heard.

23:58James Roffey:Yeah. So it's not about the message itself. It's just how you present yourself. And I guess if you have following and you have money and the bravado, if you are a young teenager that's looking up to someone, you're going to look up to someone that's got the Lamborghini that's got the women, that's got the houses everywhere in the world as opposed to you're not really going to have the When you want your spring break to feel like and your kids pool day to feel like and your hotel bed to feel like and room service to feel like because at Hilton hospitality feels like Your cabana's ready, would you like fresh towels?

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25:18The level of perspective to go, is what he's doing going to benefit me or is it just the fact that I like his life? I think that's what it is.

25:26James Roffey:I think people want to emulate their life. I don't think if you ask a lot of people, would you like to be Andrew Tate, you'd like to have the things that he's got. And I think that's whereby I think there's definitely a mishmash of messages that are being put out there. and obviously if there's no rule structure to follow, people are just going to latch on to people that have got a following. We've talked a lot about how you felt about failure and coping with failure. I want to elaborate on that because so much of what you took internally and process that led to really big mental health challenges and physical challenges.

26:01I want to know sort of how that evolved and what your relationship is now with failure. I'd always said that failure was like my kryptonite, but then when you look at it, everyone probably has that. No one wants failure. And I think for years I took failure as there's no way back. There's nothing that was wasted effort, wasted time. But I think as I've evolved my thinking, realizing that failure isn't actually the end of everything, it's just that pathway is now sharp. But it doesn't mean you can't deviate and find another way and take 80 % of what you've learned and just try it in a different direction.

26:38I think, yeah, like you said about the failure thing, we spoke about the eating disorder and obviously when I got recovered, I then went through a cancer scare and I went through three leg breaks in eight months as well with football, which was, again, the physical pain. And I think the worst one of all was obviously finding out about my infertility. It's like every person's dream is to have a mini me running around and carrying on the family name, so to speak. And I think the biggest failure that I ever felt was hearing that news in November 23. Obviously, I got married in the summer and we'd been on our honeymoon.

27:28We'd been together for about four years. and we did things we had the same ideology when it came to marriage house kids we'd obviously we rented and had a house together and then we moved in with her mum after marriage to save money for a deposit and it was obviously we were looking for the house and then we were talking about kids and we decided to both get tested I think just to make sure that everything was good she got results back within like a few days like a text message and I got the the phone call that I needed to go in to have a conversation with the with my GP and I know my brother had issues conceiving and I think he went through a round of IVF so it was like never in my well worst imagination did I think that I was going to get the news that I got I just thought well there's if I have difficulties there's always options whether it's yeah whatever we can always do we can always do IVF it's fine and we'll take money out of the deposit fund if we need to.

28:26And that was it. And the week, it was on a Monday morning. And then I think on the weekend prior to that, we went out for dinner to her favorite restaurant. And then the conversation got up about, have you thought of it's worst case scenario? And I was like, of course not. Why? You worry about it twice then. And it was obviously the, if it is worst case scenario, it's she wouldn't want to adopt. She'd want to do sperm donor. and obviously me we talked about earlier about masculine pride when it's like chucked in your face like no like in my head it's like no one's gonna no one's gonna sleep with my wife like just a silly way of thinking so i just flat out refuse like no that's not an option and it's like well that's the only option or we separate and it was like out for dinner waiting for main course and then that's been chucked in my face it was like and i don't think i slept until that monday and it was almost like a, I don't know, I think I wired myself into the results and obviously the results I found out that I am infertile due to a genetic defect I was born with.

29:31I have a, I think it's a Y chromosome attached to one of my X chromosomes which rendered me infertile from birth. It was just the fact that the life that I had previously, all the chapters and whatnot, I'd never been in a position to want kids to therefore not be able to, like, see, get anybody that I was with pregnant or actually be tested. So yeah, didn't get the news until I was 34. And obviously off the back of that, unbeknownst to me, my ex-wife had checked out. So within a week or so of getting the news, she had started talking to someone else, which I obviously didn't realise I was oblivious because I was fighting my own demons in my head thinking like without sounding like a worries me it was like how much more crap is going to be chucked my way and I dealt with it in a way that like alright it's fine I can deal with it within myself but again it went back to my parents because I'm not going to give my parents a grandchild.

30:35My brother had had a, well my nephew and obviously so it's like I was relieved that they were able to have a have a grandkid through my brother but obviously from the results it was wasn't going to be from me and that was like a I felt worse about my parents than I did about her and I did about me I was bottom rung of the ladder um and Christmas that year I'm a massive I love Christmas I love the just giving presents I don't care what get it's more just seeing other people's faces that christmas i wish boris would have cancelled it was another year of the of the shutting everything off because i i absolutely hated that christmas it was um no fun at all and then i was then told to stay down at my parents for the new year to have therapy to become a better person and a better man and and a better husband to unpack all this stuff in my head and so I did, the old happy wife, happy life and unfortunately, I never went back home.

31:42A month turned into two, into three and then in March I found out that she was having an affair and that was it. Obviously I confronted her about it and then it was a character assassination of who I was, what I was trying to do and um it was just a very very confusing dark and unnecessary way to end what was a very quick marriage yeah i appreciate you sharing that yeah i i want to i want to you've got that that's that's fresh and quite raw from not that long ago no what i want to get to is that are you at peace with what you were presented with as a failure that was completely out of your control.

32:29It's brought me back to the point where you didn't make the football team because you were too short, which was out of your control. So everything you just articulated, I think rounds a picture of failure and how you've been made to be the failure and the work that you've done on yourself to again come back. yeah um but right now is there a piece with you that can actually see that that was not a failure yeah 100 i think like you said i think it's almost like i had the opportunity to go back to my 17 year old self just weirdly enough 17 years later so that was a yeah and obviously that's a very different version of a maturity exactly that and i think the the realization from all from all these things was that although i didn't get where i wanted to get with football the habits and routines that I learned as a kid to be conditioned from a physical perspective I parked that for 10 years with the eating disorder but I picked it back up when I got back into the gym to work on myself physically and obviously that in turn helped me mentally and again I used that I did extra sessions in the gym again was it right at the time it was I don't have a business anymore I don't have a marriage anymore I was living in my parents' spare room I had a lot of time on my hands and obviously the devil makes work for idle thumbs.

33:48So it's like if I'm in the gym and I'm bettering myself from a physical perspective, it's going to stop me overthinking about the situation that I was currently in. But that then in itself, I then did a big deep dive in understanding that I used to have a business called James the Mental Health PT. That was my job when I was still an online coach and it was obviously like, well if that isn't going to be there anymore who am i and then the the recalibration of my purpose and my why and obviously it was to be i'm more than just a pt i'm more than just getting people in shape like i've done that for six years prior like i can do that but i think i would be devaluing the journey that i've been on had i just have stayed doing that and i think that's where obviously like the mindset the mindset and the high performance stuff and the optimizing your life comes into play And obviously, so the benefit of all that trauma in that relationship led me to what I'm doing now.

34:50And strangely, very within a month of all that situation happening with my ex-wife, I met someone new who I'm still with today. And yeah, she's sometimes you need to go through things that the realization was we were never going to be right for each other. when you look at what you have now not that you should ever compare but that's there's a lesson in itself like that job may not have worked out but because that you've got made redundant there you've got this job now and that job is infinitely better than your old job so net positive and I think that's the the how I took away from everything was like if you just keep going eventually something will be better than what you had before you were powerful yeah yeah just keep going and also i love the fact that the work you're doing now is bigger than you so much of it comes back to that you know you brought your parents into it they must have suffered so much at different times but they also now see you thriving and so if you use the analogy of a bit of a peaks and troughs right which your life is full of them yeah um they're with you on both of them right now you're you're you're not necessarily on the peak you certainly could say but you're You're definitely not in a trough.