In short
Part 4/4 of a Henry VIII series, focusing on his late-life illness (gout, extreme obesity, constipation), the downfall and execution of Catherine Howard, and Henry’s naval reforms culminating in the sinking of the Mary Rose; it ends with Henry’s death and the succession to Edward VI, plus the marriage to Catherine Parr.
Guests
Horatio Gould (co-host/guest). The episode also references “Sandro” (a gout sufferer friend) and “Charlie” (another recurring host/participant).
Key claims
Henry’s meat-heavy, fiberless diet drives chronic constipation and gout; physicians use mercury-based laxatives. Catherine Howard’s affair with Thomas Culpepper leads to her arrest, confession (including alleged prior relationships/abuse), and execution on 13 Feb 1542. Henry’s Royal Navy expansion: Portsmouth dockyards, Navy Board, fleet to 50 ships by 1547; Mary Rose sinks in 1545 after a French battle.
Notable examples
Catherine Howard’s secret inquiry and interrogation by the Duke of Norfolk; Culpepper hung/drawn/quartered; heads displayed on London Bridge; Henry’s coffin “explodes” and dogs eat the remains; Catherine Parr described as twice-widowed, educated, and politically cautious.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOHumorous Observations on Henry VIII
1:20 to 2:41
A comedic take on the physical and psychological traits of Henry VIII.
“like a sort of, like one of the first open micers to get like a ten minute spot so they come back to the mic so they have cockiness.”
Henry's Violent Actions and Insecurities
2:41 to 4:30
Discussion on Henry's violent tendencies and personal insecurities.
“He has, in probably my favourite move of toxic alpha maleness, just yet decided that a German woman was disgusting and smelly and too ugly to fuck whilst sitting on his own food bin of a leg.”
Diet and Health of Henry VIII
4:30 to 6:28
Exploration of Henry VIII's diet and its effects on his health.
“Yes, but again, if we're saying that this is gender violence, I think it cheapens gender violence, personally.”
Chronic Pain and Gout of Henry VIII
6:28 to 8:41
Discussion on Henry's chronic pain and its implications on his actions.
“So his constipation is a different way to Gandhi.”
Henry VIII's Marital Decisions
8:41 to 10:00
Examination of Henry's marriages, focusing on Catherine Howard.
“But we should be aware when we're judging his actions that he is suffering from chronic pain.”
Henry VIII's Marital Decisions
13:45 to 14:11
Examination of Henry's marriages, focusing on Catherine Howard.
“the building the final season of FX's The Bear The restaurant is flooded.”
Catherine Howard's Turmoil
14:41 to 19:28
Explore the challenges and controversies surrounding Catherine Howard's marriage to Henry VIII.
“And some people really like maggots pouring out of your leg.”
The Downfall of Catherine Howard
19:28 to 24:56
Delve into the events leading to Catherine Howard's execution and her relationships.
“written either to her or from her, or in her handwriting maybe.”
Henry VIII's Legacy and the Royal Navy
24:56 to 28:00
Discuss Henry VIII's impact on England, including the establishment of the Royal Navy.
“But also she was using it as like a platform, you know, sort of feminist thing.”
The Sinking of the Mary Rose
28:00 to 29:50
Learn about the dramatic sinking of Henry VIII's flagship and its symbolism.
“I think without it, it would just rot and fall away, maybe.”
Show all 17 chapters
Catherine Parr: The Final Wife
29:50 to 31:46
Explore the characteristics and significance of Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr.
“You're meant to have maggots pouring out your thigh, cunt.”
The Role of Uncles in Marriages
31:46 to 33:32
Discuss the influence of family and societal expectations on marriage decisions.
“is it gold digging or is it because you're forced to otherwise you'll die?”
Henry VIII's Declining Health
33:36 to 35:34
Understand the physical deterioration of Henry VIII and its implications.
“The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu.”
The Death and Funeral of Henry VIII
35:34 to 39:20
Discover the details surrounding the death and burial of Henry VIII.
“Now let's get to his death because this is, this is probably the funniest bit of, this is my, this is a fantastic end to, okay.”
Legacy of Henry VIII
39:20 to 42:00
Reflect on Henry VIII's impact on England and his place in history.
“And immediately after Henry's death, power shifts to make sure that his weak, sneezing son, Edward VI, will become king.”
Humorous Discussion on Attraction and Historical Wives
42:00 to 43:56
Explore a lighthearted debate on attractiveness using slugs as metaphors for Henry VIII's wives.
“Fuck how she'd chew your ear off though.”
Humorous Discussion on Attraction and Historical Wives
44:49 to 45:18
Explore a lighthearted debate on attractiveness using slugs as metaphors for Henry VIII's wives.
“hello look what TJ Maxx dragged in The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu We are digital.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:29I'm not giving up. Halloween only lasts one day. With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home.
1:11Welcome back to Finvess History. I'm sat beside Horatio Gould and it's the final part of our epic series on Henry VIII. I'm currently holding my turkey leg microphone like a sort of, like one of the first open micers to get like a ten minute spot so they come back to the mic so they have cockiness. It looks like the world's worst knob, actually. It does, yeah. I mean, yeah, if that was your knob. What, the turkey leg? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, if it was a knob, it would be one of the world's worst ones. Well, it's a turkey. Yeah, it's a leg of turkey. It's a cooked turkey leg. But his one specifically looks like the world's worst knob.
1:41Yeah, I guess, yeah, to be honest, the photorealism of it, yeah, it is pretty knob-like. So now you've put that in the viewer's mind. For the rest of the episode, we're talking into two horrid knobs. Speaking of the world's worst knob, we are dealing with a man today who has a 52-inch waist, a BMI of 51.9, a BMI that I can only dream of, a man who has live cultures in his legs, more live cultures, live civilizations. They are developing technologies. They have found fire. They are collectivizing. There's art. There's a whole cave paintings down there. They've built cities around rivers. Yes, maggot irrigation system.
2:28The maggot renaissance is happening in Henry's legs. He has kefir thighs. Yes, there's a Henry VIII in Henry VIII's legs of the maggot kingdom. Russian doll in his leg, cutting off women's heads. He has, in probably my favourite move of toxic alpha maleness, just yet decided that a German woman was disgusting and smelly and too ugly to fuck whilst sitting on his own food bin of a leg. And he has cut off his best mate Cromwell's head for organising such a disgusting, terrible marriage in the first place. I'd love to see just him do therapy. I just want to see where do you even begin? What's the first session like?
3:16Obviously, it would take years and years to even break down any of this, but I don't know what comes out. I feel sometimes Henry that you blame other people for your own insecurities well chop your head off you're done chop your head off you're an idiot you're a traitor what the fuck's that cut her head off now the problem is he projects can we say that about Henry he's decisive he's decisive and he's robust okay and he's look is it a crime to be a straight man these days well yeah these days these days it is take us back to Tudor England when men act decisively it's just called spreading yeah It was just called sitting down.
3:51It was just called explaining why your head had to be chopped off. I don't manspread the normal way on the tube. I'm a manspread out. Do you manspread out? Because most people manspread this way. Yes. But I'm actually guilty of maybe woke manspreading. I manspread out. But you're tripping people up as they go apart. Yeah, that is worse. Yeah, just because my legs are so long and thin that I basically, I cause a lot more damage. Yes. But that's not taking up a woman's room. that's tripping up old people, that's tripping up children. Wheelchairs are going over the side. There's kind of like everyone's getting it, so it's not a gendered thing.
4:26Right, so it is just being a nuisance. Yes, yeah. Rather than gendered. Then being misogynistic. Yes, but again, if we're saying that this is gender violence, I think it cheapens gender violence, personally. I think it makes it more expensive. Right.
4:41It makes it a premium. So Henry VIII, we're now in the sort of, you'd say early 1540s, he is as a smelly guy can we not slag him off? No I think it's fair to say he stinks okay he has jet black mouth because he's got a sweet tooth except he's not going to eat teeth doesn't really touch the side when he's eating whole peacocks and tripe and 80 % of a meat diet and there's no fibre we haven't talked about how fibre is not going in him at all dietary fibre was coined in 1953. Interesting. So to place this, this is before the concept of dietary fibre. Is this, what about the concept of protein? Well, it's obviously after that.
5:26I mean, Henry VIII does he know what protein is? Does he, Tiber started when? What are you talking about? Well, yeah, it's after the Tiber. No, no, no, don't rhyme it. Protein, when would a protein? Protein started when? Okay, so yeah. 1838. Okay, fine. So it's after the geological formation of the River Tiber, which was, I think, 3 million, three million years ago maybe when it actually formed as a river and it's before the concept of dietary fibre by a British doctor in the 50s and both are relevant to the story in that the Tiber is in Rome which Henry does not like and is broken with it is a river that corruption flows out of to pollute the whole of Europe and similarly fibre he's broken from fibre he does not go into it at all it has nothing to do with fibre He has reformed his own body.
6:17And it's now massive. A BMI of 50. He's shitting blocks. Well, we need to get into his constipation because I don't think anyone has ever been more constipated than Henry VIII in the 1540s. So his constipation is a different way to Gandhi. Gandhi's constipated because he's only eating nuts. Yes. And not really eating anything. So his body doesn't have a lot to go off. Look, constipation covers birds and elephants. But they're different. Gandhi's a bird. Henry VIII is a blocked up elephant He's eating thousands of calories Of pure meat And white bread with no fibre I imagine it comes out like those Scrap metal box cubes It gets crushed like that There's nothing else to cut it with So it just has to come out And he lays a massive block It's a collapsed star of a shit He would spend days In agony on his royal toilet Screaming in pain while his physicians concocted horrifying laxatives made of liquid gold, mercury and crushed pearls to try and force his bowels to move.
7:21Well, he's drinking liquid gold. Yes. Yeah. That will help. This is Elvis stuff, right? This is why... That will help when that stops becoming liquid. Yes. And he's also got fucking gold. Gold in his arms. He's obviously got... I mean, he is a sort of ambassador for gout by this point. Yes. He's the face of gout. He is the face of gout. And still to this day, he's the face of gout, you'd say. So his joints are swollen to the point where he can't even handle a bed sheet over his feet. So Sandro, a friend of the pod, Sandro, who does what I did, he's a sufferer of gout. He's sort of a Welsh Henry VIII.
7:52Yeah, and I guess he is sort of Henry VIII without the royal... There's quite a lot, yeah, similar to Jamie Hutchison. Henry VIII without any noble lineage. Yes. Just the diet. Just the diet. Apparently the pain of gout is unbelievable. Yeah. You have crystals in your feet. A friend of mine had gout quite badly and just still, even though he's kind of conquered it, he still just basically just wears sandals all the time. Has to have an open toe. Really? Because just socks. The agony is there even if you don't touch anything. If you touch something, it's kind of unbelievable. So is it sharp pain?
8:22It's constant pain, which ramps up if it moves at all. But even if you're completely sitting down. Also, I believe it's something to do with mercury. Rich foods are really bad for you. And to help him as a laxative, he's drinking mercury, which is also a poison. Yes. So I don't think that's helping his gout. No. But we should be aware when we're judging his actions that he is suffering from chronic pain. Right. Okay. He's part of the chronically ill community. He would have a lanyard at this point. Yeah. He would have a big sunflower lanyard. Yes. Is that for chronic pain? He's got long constipation.
8:54He has long gout and long constipation. Okay. He is 54 inches wide. How big is that? Can we get a celebrity that's 54 inch waist, please? In the mid-1540s, he is being hauled up palace stairs. They have a Tudor stairlift, right? You don't want to be hauled ever, really. Never want to be hauled. You want to be hauling your hog out of your hose. Sure. There are no prominent celebrities with a 54-inch waist. This is, well, our patrons will understand this. This is 5XL. Right. We often get comments when we release merch going, oh, doesn't go up to 5XL. They're Henry the 8th in our patrons, okay? He, at this point, is in chronic pain.
9:35He has a lanyard on. You should give up your seat on the tube for him, okay? He's probably on Reddit forums saying the medical establishment doesn't understand my chronic pain. They don't tell you seriously. Yeah, anyway. They have no experience with what I have. Exactly, and this is part of the reason, you know, why he acts as he does. Now, at the day that Thomas Cromwell is beheaded as a result of catfishing him with Anne of Cleves, right, he marries a 17-year-old called Catherine Howard. Let the dog see the rabbit, please, Charlie. This is actually an incredibly bleak story. How old was Howard?
10:0917. How old? She has a weird-shaped head. I'm going to say that now. I know that's the beauty of the time. Yeah, but you can tell she's a minx. She got a head like a cycling helmet. But yeah, minx, look at those eyes. She's asking for it. She, what was she wearing? A cycling helmet, fair enough. now her uncle is Anne Boleyn's uncle who brought Catherine Howard to Henry's attention and this is I suppose maybe this is like you know this is a man in his late 40s by this point no early 50s a man in his early 50s and he's been you know he's been married he thinks he's seen it all but then there's a fucking 17 year old girlfriend and he's like you know what I'm back in the game he finally feels young again Yeah.
10:59Yeah. I like a fucking binge who's pouring out my thigh. She makes me feel... And also, yeah. She's very... What's the word for someone who's above their age? You know... Yeah, she's mature. Mature. Yeah, yeah. She's a goer. Precocious. She's precocious. That's what he's telling people. No, no, no. She's very precocious for her age. He described her as his rose without a thorn. And when they are married, contemporaries describe her as lewd and naughty. She's 17. She's a minx. He's 50. he boasted that he was quote at last happy and showered this new queen with clothing jewels and estates I mean this is the divorced dad finds a 17 year old and just makes her feel makes her feel treasured because that's what he's got he's got money and you know for all the ickiness around age gaps if it's that icky then don't follow the money sugar baby this episode is sponsored by sailor name it's an e-sim service app ladies yes i apologize i think this is for the girls all right take your pants back off we're talking about say take your pants off we're talking about e-sim services sailor if you've ever been lost abroad yeah pull the pull the cord say say we'll rescue you do you know what an e-sim is yes who used one no you're not i don't know what an eSIM is.
12:24So an eSIM provides an internet connection whenever you travel. And you just do it as an app. You just go beep, beep, beep, and it's all done. Oh, right. So you just switch the SIMs all internally. Don't have to use a little thing to get it out. This crucial piece of, is it software or hardware? Software. This is crucial software. This is turning, this is making a hardware option into a software option. Wow. I've gone from soft to hard hearing you say that. Now, one eSIM can be installed once. rather than installing a new one for each country. Yeah. Okay. So this reduces roaming fees, maybe even eliminating them.
13:00Let's use serve cunt in every country. Give this man a knighthood. Give him a knighthood. The built-in ad blocker that Saylor uses reduces your data usage by up to 28.6%. I know I can't sleep at night thinking about that 28.6 % of data that I'm using and I don't need to be. It's an ad blocker. It's also a sad blocker. it blocks sadness and they offer 24-7 chat support but I imagine that's about your eSIM issues and not your other things yes so don't be spamming Saley's 24-7 chat support you said you would talk to me 24-7 yeah about eSIMs yes not about your detoxing mother yeah so go to Saley.com slash truther and you'll get 15 % off I'm not giving up I am selling the building the final season of FX's The Bear The restaurant is flooded.
13:55Everything's either going to be okay or not. We are outgunned and we are outmanned. We have each other. FX is the Bear, the final season. All episodes now streaming on Disney+. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.
14:41However, quite quickly, there's trouble in paradise because he, now it says in the script he's physically repulsive. I think that's deeply offensive. Yes. Okay. He's chronically ill. And some people really like maggots pouring out of your leg. Yeah. Actually. Don't yuck my yum. Yeah. You may call that an ick. Some people call that a kink. One woman's ick is another woman's kink. All right. Maybe Catherine Howard fucking loved sucking maggots out of his fetid thigh cunt. We can't know. Okay. Maybe she got a frothing wide on at the thought of him having a frothing wide on. Right. With maggots pouring out of it.
15:22We can't know. Anyway, he's still eating 5 ,000 calories a day. He's in constant pain. His leg wounds are seeping pus. He has type 2 diabetes, which doesn't really touch the sides. Just so anyone is, if they're interested, if you do have a maggot kink, you are called a formicophile. Formo.
15:44Anyway, so. Formophile. Formophile. Formicophilia. Formicophilia is a maggot fetish. Formicophilia. God, there's a Latin word for everything, didn't they? Those sick fucks. They invented everything, didn't they? What's the angle there? What do you mean, what's the angle? If you look at a slug, I guess it kind of just means... You'll just talk yourself into being a fucking maggot fucker now. That was amazing. In the space of two seconds, Charlie went, what on earth? Well, do you know what, actually? I can see why they like that. Yeah. Sort of wriggling little dicks. Yeah, no, I don't hate it. Amazing.
16:13Anyway, now, he's physically repulsive, but he's also... He has such an ego that he demands that his wives fuck him cinematically. What does that mean? Getting pegged. Hey? Pegging? No, it's in like he wants them to fake orgasms. Oh, right. Because it hurts his male ego to think that he's not pleasuring them, even though he must be impotent at this point. Yeah, yeah. So basically, Katherine Howard has to, I assume she's on top. yes and i'm not i think reverse cowgirl has never been a worse view with two food bins for legs so i'd imagine i imagine it's cowgirl he's doing reverse cowgirl oh so she's got to lie by his leg no so um i imagine it's cowgirl okay and she's got to because otherwise he's going to be like well you why aren't you having a good time and she's probably like, well, the smell.
17:17I mean, it smells so bad. It's unimaginable, the smell. It's a decomposing corpse attached to Jaffa the Hutt. Yeah. Jaffa the Hutt. He obviously gets quite moody and unpredictable because of his weight gain. We've all been there. He's insecure. And so he refuses to see Catherine for weeks at a time because he's aware that he doesn't look his best, perhaps smell his best. So after a few months of marriage, his energy starts to wane. I mean, that is just marriage. Yeah, that is marriage. Especially your fifth wife. You know, I get... You've been around... You've seen all the tricks, right? You know, what kind of move is a 17-year-old?
17:52It's hard to be positive about the kind of uplift because you know how it ends. So after a few months of marriage, his energy begins to wane. At this point, now, either Catherine is accused of this or she actually does do this. I think she actually does do this. She starts an affair with her ex-lover, Thomas Culpepper. So she actually is the most deserved executionist, Catherine Howard. Is that what you're saying? I'd probably say so. A 17-year-old, knew what she was getting into. The teenage Catherine was not attracted to the stinky food bin leg king man with a 51 BMI. He was a fucking, the Brexit vote was his BMI.
18:33And so Culpepper was a bit of a womanizer. And bear in mind, this woman is 17. you know the woke revisionist historians maybe said that she was a victim of being groomed by this man Thomas Culpepper. She potentially was basically raped by this guy. Potentially. He sounds naughty. Thomas Culpepper is a Nazi name to be fair. And so she obviously is feeling slightly neglected by her husband. Perhaps she believed that she would be more pleasing to Henry if she was shadow batting in the nets. Interesting. Is this what she comes out with? Is this her defence? I'm training. I'm training for riding you.
19:16And so she had secret dalliances with Culpepper throughout the summer of 1541, meaning that there's gossip surrounding her. Now also, I think eventually they find a note, or Cranmer, the archbishop, finds a note written either to her or from her, or in her handwriting maybe. But I think basically she'd been with Culpepper before and she must have been like 14 and he kind of groomed her. Yeah. So I guess she's in a real rock and a hard place as a girl. Yeah. When your saviour's got his fucking walking food. A rapist and a stinky place. Yes, yeah. She's in a rapist and a stinky place. Yeah. And so Henry orders, Henry doesn't believe this.
19:55No. He thinks this is a witch hunt. And so Henry orders a secret inquiry to clear her name. But then members of the court have claimed to witness her sexual behaviour. They're interviewed. They go on record. and these outlined that she had previous relationships with her music teacher when he was in his 30s, she was 13. I will. And then Francis Derham, who referred to each other as husband and wife even though she was only 14. So she gets about. Yes. Or was got about. What is it, Charlie? Is this abuse? Yes, Charlie, this is abuse. Play that one straight back. I don't know if the 13 year old is abusing the 30 year old.
20:38Well, what are the standards at this point? Are you being, not at this point, at this point, he gives a fuck. No, no one's been like you're a pedo. No, the concept is like, why is that 13 year old slut seducing this poor 30 year old music teacher? He's only human. Yes. Yeah. There's no concept of pedophilia at this point. I don't think so. Well, yeah, it's, there's an age of consent though. 12 for girls, 14 for boys. There must be some level of like, if you could. So, but she was 13. She was, she was, She was legal. By the standard of the time, she was legal. Anyway, Henry does - Don't have a music teacher.
21:10Sorry? That's what I'd say to her. Well, yeah. It's a dangerous breed, music teachers. Can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Think about the music teacher. What hair are you thinking of when you think of a music teacher? Oh, it's full, but it's receding. Yeah, so it's really long, bald at the top. I had a music teacher like that. Why do they all do that? Purple trousers, really smelly. Why do they all have that hair? Mr. Simpson. Yeah, why, what is, is it because they're a music teacher, so status wise they're going to be balding but because it's it's vaguely creative they can still express themselves is that what the combination is?
21:41because if you're an accountant they would have just shaved it and had the munt cuts yeah exactly but the music teacher is still like I've got something about myself I put jazz records on you're right so they don't have but also they need something to kind of flail wildly while they're conducting so if you're going to a room with someone with that haircut what do you expect? interestingly the music teacher at our school purple trousers receding hair for but bushy hair you're thinking clear cut nons when actually it was the chemistry teacher who just didn't turn up one day and everyone was like oh yeah he's not working here anymore know what I mean hard drive sees oh wow no Duke of Edinburgh for everyone you got start did you not pass your Duke of Edinburgh no got cock blocked by a pedo I didn't know I was starting a podcast with someone who hadn't what certificates do you have on your Duke of Edinburgh I don't think I have any you're completely unqualified I'm not lesbian at all I didn't get my lesbian badge age 15 I think I've only got silver Charlie you got a Duke of Edinburgh?
22:34I must have bronze I think I've got bronze but bronze you didn't really have to leave the school for not really he did a big walk I did a big walk at some point but you've got to have a Duke of Edinburgh I mean it's a key quality you've got to have that just locked down my dad had a pedo excuse me? you had a pedo sounds like you had him in the basement like a gimp well that you'd bring out to show guests no my dad his piano teacher would kind of kiss him on the head and the cheek if he did a good key and then he went on to be sounds quite nice proper nonce proper did time for it and then is now back in the town and whenever we drive past my dad's pedo's house he goes that's my pedo that's where my pedo lives that's my pedo that's my pedo hashtag my pedo um well anyway um Catherine had a couple of pedos it seems like but Henry doesn't believe it and so he but he orders her to stay indoors stay in your room and then Henry gets he gets very depressed when the accusations start to pile up yeah because he's like this is not not a fifth, a fifth time.
23:31Are you joking? Is there not one good woman in this fucking land? One good girl's worth a thousand bitches, as Kanye says. Isn't it? So then they find the love letter. Catherine gets interrogated by her uncle yet again, the Duke of Norfolk. Yeah. And Catherine weeps. This is the golden age of uncles. It really is. The most powerful uncle there's ever been, this guy. Two of his nieces are to be executed because he arranged marriage. I mean, that's just, that's beast. That is cracking stuff, that. We don't talk enough about the uncle relationship, creepy uncle with the niece. It's always with the nephew.
24:05But the nieces are getting killed because of this uncle's recklessness. So even Cranmer finds, like Catherine's estate, when she's getting interrogated, and Cranmer finds this sad. He says, it would have pitied any man's heart to have looked upon her. Anyway, it's like, guards? Nah. And then she confesses about her previous relationship. Blah, blah, blah. She claims rape. We've been around this. We get it. We get it. We get it. This is not our first fucking wife execution. She admits to sexual misconduct before marriage, which is treason. Chop, chop. February 1542, Tower of London. What was the execution like?
24:39Well, Derham, who was one of her pedos, gets hung, drawn and quartered in 1541. Culpepper's beheaded, and then both heads are displayed in London Bridge. And then Catherine does not handle herself well, the execution. Doesn't cover herself with dignity. Boleyn was quite composed, obviously. She was hoping, Boleyn was expecting mercy. But also she was using it as like a platform, you know, sort of feminist thing. Whereas Howard just kind of please, please, please. It's important to use your platform. Yes. But that platform was... She then got no platform. Quite terrifically. But yes, tower guards claim that she practiced placing her head in the block so she wouldn't panic publicly during the execution.
25:17But it didn't work. She didn't practice hard enough. Shadow batting. Hey? She's shadow batting. Shadow batting with her own head. But she gets executed on the 13th of February, 1542. Yeah. Inside the tower rather than before a crowd. So behind closed doors, maybe the crowd had been racist or something. Yes. Anyway, UEFA ban. Yeah, someone threw a banana peel onto the execution. And then, well, that's all right. We're all here to watch an execution. That's punishment. Three game ban. That's out of order. Behind closed doors. But the French ambassador says that she acknowledged that she deserved death and asked for prayers.
25:46So she came around in the end. Yeah, she gets it. So axe, one or two strokes. Henry VIII is looking on, going, quote, strikingly detached. But he must be almost cross-eyed at this point. Well, he's in a big fucking chair that's being hauled through ropes. Because his mind must be rotting as well. Well, his leg is gangrenous. Supposedly his mouth is black and his leg is going black as well. Yeah, black. Yeah, but like rotten. His mouth is rotten. I don't think he can chew at this point. His leg is completely black. There's maggots and pus, but that's a good thing, they think. They're following him around with like perfume to try and cover the smell of maggots.
26:24his like attendants are throwing up all the time uh he's five wives down uh howard has been dispatched so that's the end of the middle order right now we're going to the night we're into the tail now we're into the tail um yeah a couple of stubborn openers in aragon and berlin but the middle order is we rattle through it really yeah and then but i mean but yes by the time this is the night watchman right yeah she does a strikingly good job actually taffin parr yeah we get to now Now, before we get to Catherine Parr, probably the most, the other consequential thing he does is form the Royal Navy.
27:00Yeah, which is the kind of beginning. I mean, this is also the beginning of modern Britain, the British Empire, colonialism, under Elizabeth I, the kind of Virginia colonies, which is the sort of beginning of all that stuff. And obviously the Royal Navy is the key part of all that. And he started that. So it's the... Henry makes us Protestant and a seafaring power. So he kind of begins the... But what actually happened when he started the Royal Navy? Because I didn't know that. do we have boats before? What's going on? So he expanded dockyards at Portsmouth and established administrative bodies which evolved into the Navy board.
Read the full transcript
27:32The fleet became 50 vessels by 1547, having only previously been a handful of ships. Right. And then... So he organised it under one jurisdiction. And then he builds a body that's responsible for shipbuilding and repairs and financing stuff. The big, I guess, sort of the 9-11 of his reign is the Mary Rose, which I've seen. I've been to see the Mary Rose. Is it a good day out? Yeah, I mean, it's like half a ship that's intact, and it's constantly having water poured on it. Why? To keep it intact. I think without it, it would just rot and fall away, maybe. I don't really understand. I imagine it's like if Henry VIII was lying in state, they'd just constantly be doused.
28:09I mean, that's part of what's good about this story, is how it doesn't take a poet to see the parallels, right? of this giant hulking ship rotting away as his leg rots. So on the 19th of July, 1545, there's a battle against the French in the Solent, and this flagship, the mayor of Rose... It's a little gooch between the Isle of Wight and Portsmouth, right? Yes. A bad place to gig. Yes. Yeah, anywhere on that south coast is pretty grim. Grim. Absolutely awful. Anyway, the flagship suddenly heals over. I am on tour. Flagship suddenly heals over and sinks. And Henry was watching from the shore. 500 men basically drown.
28:54It had been modified over the years with heavier guns. Yes. Again, much like Henry, just getting heavier and heavier and heavier. And a gust of wind catches the sails, and it just waterports through the gun ports and then floods the vessel. And, yes, it was the kind of flagship, the symbol of this new naval power. And he just watched it sink with hundreds of sailors aboard. And he has to just sort of plod away. seeing his... Oh, no. Oh, fuck. I mean... That's my boat. You know, his five wives have failed him. You do start to feel for him a little bit. It's a very sad story. Yeah. You know? Is he the unluckiest guy ever?
29:31He must be. Just to recap, his eyesight is now beginning to fade as well. Yeah, it's low light. He can't walk. Yeah. His ulcerated legs are worsening. There's only a couple of more overs left in the day's play. He's made an act that said, if you question my health, it's treason. Right, right. So doctors are like, Oh, no, you're fine, mate. You're fine. Absolutely fine. You're meant to have maggots pouring out your thigh, cunt. So, who's Catherine Parr? Who's the night watchman? She's a wealthy, twice-widowed noblewoman who'd been in... Twice-widowed. Twice-widowed. She sounds lovely, twice-widowed.
30:05Two widows, one cup. Serving in the household of Mary I. Let's have a look at Catherine Parr, would you? Final one. Let's have a look at the bottom order. That's my dog. She looks the same as the last one. They all look quite similar, I guess. It's got a type. Quite severe looking there. Yeah, austere woman. I don't know if the painters have got worse. So, her two husbands had died, which meant she was kind of financially independent, which is quite rare. I'm sorry, I've just seen what Charlie's thrown up. Go on. Celebrities with most failed marriages. Mickey Rooney divorced seven times. Wow. Now, which Mickey Rooney was that?
30:42The one from the... Yes. But I don't know which. Which, is it he getting divorced or is his Asian alter ego also getting divorced? Like, is it the same guy, you know? What are you saying that when he's the Asian alter ego - Does that count? It might be three divorces for him. He was like that the whole time, at home is what you mean. Yeah. And that's a tough guy if he's method acting. If he's running at home. That's tough. Yeah. They get married in 1543. Henry, I guess this is one last throw the dice. One, is he even horny at this point? is he just doing it for appearances Catherine is very different from his earlier wives she's intelligent she's highly educated politically cautious she's 30, Henry was 52 he's learned, he's learning I think and so she goes into it with kind of a I think by this time she's like is this a good idea marrying a guy, she's looking at the track record she's thinking this guy might be a bit toxic actually also his legs got maggots in it is it gold digging or is it because you're forced to otherwise you'll die?
31:49I think it's just the political what does your uncle want for you? what does my uncle want? he wants the best for me every single time they've got an uncle that's making them do it it seems that way uncles have never been more powerful than now the golden age of uncles now uncles are ostracised to the shed they're kind of on their own at family gatherings. They're staring at the wall. Yeah. Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times. Your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks and lists can easily begin to overrun your life. So finding the right tool that not only helps you out but simplifies everything as a built-in business partner can be a game changer.
32:33For millions of businesses that tool is Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10 % of all e-commerce in the U.S., from household names like Gymshark, Rare Beauty, and Heinz, to brands just getting started. Shopify has hundreds of ready-to-use templates that can help you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand's style. And you can tackle all the important tasks in one place, from inventory to payments to analytics and more. No need to save multiple websites or try to figure out what platform is hosting the tool that you need.
33:09And if people haven't heard about your brand, you can get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you with easy to run email and social media campaigns to reach customers wherever they're scrolling or strolling. Start your business today with the industry's best business partner, Shopify, and start hearing. Sign up for your$1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash realm. Go to shopify.com slash realm. That's shopify.com slash realm. Hello. Look what TJ Maxx dragged in. The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu. We are digital. We are downloadable. We are streamable.
33:52The fashion event of the year is certified fresh. Pull yourself together. We have work to do. Critics say it's smart and witty and the perfect sequel. That's all. Get runway ready for The Devil Wears Prada 2 on Disney Plus and Hulu. Rated PG-13. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long.
34:32Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. The marriage was not passionate, more about survival and companionship. I guess it's impossible for Henry to be intimate. He's essentially on a big wooden wheelchair. Yeah, she was his carer, really. Yeah, I suppose. But she was successful as a step-mum. You forget that two girls and a boy who are looking for a step-mum. I mean, the stability for them. You come from a broken home. Yes. That's one thing, but this is insane. This is, yeah, this is much more complicated than my... So Henry trusted her more than any wife since Jane Seymour.
35:11She is also the first woman in English in England to publish a book under her own name. Really? The Lamentations of a Sinner. Okay. Right. Emo. Is that like the 16th century diver CEO? What's that about? Three part secrets of reflections. it's also his court was also the first uh documented black person in england really a trumpeter yes john b john b to place this this is the first black person is in england so it's now it's under catherine that um mary and elizabeth get restored to the succession line succession yeah uh so that edward his son is first then married and elizabeth which gets reinforced in Henry's will.
35:55Now let's get to his death because this is, this is probably the funniest bit of, this is my, this is a fantastic end to, okay. So by the time of his death, Henry is over 300 pounds. Wow, what's 300 pounds? Go 300 pounds. In kilos. That's pretty about 150, 160 kilos. Let's just see what sort of fat, cause there's my 500 pound life. I don't want to see what they look like. 300 pound man. Okay. Yeah. Imagine that with loads of maggots and a completely black mouth. Right. Okay, good. I've got an image now. Do you think with modern medicine he could have been sorted if they just like tummy down? Probably, yeah.
36:35Because a huge amount was the constantly open wound. Yeah, plasters. Which could have been sorted. Plasters. In a year at least. So he spent his last Christmas at Whitehall visibly dying. He's completely confined to his chambers. He's being hauled around on a sort of sled. And on January 1547, he is dying. He's unconscious, semi-conscious. He probably dies from complete organ failure, shutdown. Also, he has several bouts of sepsis. Right. Because he's just got maggots in his leg the whole time. His last words supposedly were, God save me from the tyranny of the popes. Who's blading the pope for this?
37:20I mean, Clark's until the end. Until the end, bringing that up. They bury him in a coffin with like a lead top like the Chernobyl guys. They then are transporting him to the day before the funeral, but then they leave him in a church overnight and his body fucking explodes like a whale on a beach. Yeah. Just bursts, right? The coffin breaks open. The next morning, he is found with dogs eating. Yeah, because he drips through, right? The melted leg. Yeah. So, Charlie, can you just get a video of a whale exploding on a beach? Yeah. Because that is how... That's a way to go out. That's the way Clarkson should go out.
37:56The way Clarkson will die. Clarkson will be stranded on a beach. Just the beer, the lager, the latent lager belly will just pop. I mean, this is the straightest way to die, I think. This is what a straight male burial should be. This is how I'm going to be at the end. Fuck! Just just - A camera captures the moment a sperm whale carcass which - Wow. Just all your guts thrown against the building. Fucking flying against the pavilion. Guts everywhere. Henry VIII at the end. Let's see that again. Fucking hell. So what's he done there? What's he done there? He's just let some gas in. Yeah, there's so much gas.
38:38He's put oxygen in there. There's so much gas, he's opened a bit of it and it's just popped. Yeah, it's like it's Mentos in a Coke bottle. He's 55 years old. and he dies the way, he's buried the way all straight men should be. He's just full of lager gas. Yeah. Exploding, dripping down, eaten by your dogs. I mean, that's the straightest way to go. And supposedly, when he had divorced Catherine of Aragon, a Franciscan friar had said that God will punish you for this divorce like the wicked biblical King Ahab, quote, the dogs shall lick your blood. Oh, interesting. So it's a lovely bit of circularity to the story.
39:19And so he dies in 1547. And immediately after Henry's death, power shifts to make sure that his weak, sneezing son, Edward VI, will become king. And Catherine Parr, the night watchman, makes it to the end of play, outlasts them all. Jack Leach at the end heroic so that's the end of Henry's story I mean I guess to sum up he is he is so intrinsically English as we've been saying he's the platonic ideal of a king the idea that you most grab to when you think of a king yes the excess what he does has been so relevant now you still go to Hampton Court Palace a lot of the things built in that time the Royal Navy, the break from Rome, it's still very much the current thing.
40:16But also he is, you know... Black trumpeters. Black trumpeters. He saw that being a big thing before anyone else did. Are we saying he invents jazz? I'm saying that. I'm at least saying that he sees the potential of jazz. Surely. Yeah. I think the size of him means that he can't not be a caricature for tyrannical excess. Yeah. And it's something we don't really see. Greek myth of hubris as well. I mean... I don't know if it's hubristic, because he's the same throughout. Yeah. He doesn't go on a journey, really. Well, he does go on a journey. He falls off a horse and then just gets faster and madder.
40:51That's a journey. He grows. He does grow. There's a lot of personal growth. There is a lot of personal growth, but it's sideways. I wouldn't say it's... He has no emotional growth. No. But it's all on his physical body. But it's also... I think it's the first time a king has genuinely... Now, it's interesting, because he wouldn't say he's doing it for himself. he's doing it for his dynasty because he's come to power after the wars of the roses yes so it's an insecure dynasty we can't help but view it as uh self-serving and tyrannical and narcissistic but it's interesting that he comes with such an insecure dynasty but also is probably the person who has acted with the most absolute power of a king yes which is quite weird that to have your your dynasty so spurious yes and to act like you have complete power is it not a man who can't have a son building a massive fake foam dick to strap onto his shorts the whole time is not the same thing yes i mean um uh we should probably sum up by saying uh who is fitter's wife was um i mean seymour was the only one that in in terms of you know the attitude of the time was a successful attractive wise it probably is amber lynn she probably has the most about her yeah but you you got we got different types i'm probably going in captain of arrogant right a sturdy spanish yeah sort of i like a woman who has big hoop earrings right sort of uh gypsy yeah okay terranean yeah um but i i think um and got something to say for herself yeah but she's annoying she's annoying but i'm just saying this is attraction so not long term well none of them are long term i think and for three months is great.
42:30Three months. Yeah. Fuck how she'd chew your ear off though. Yeah. It's true. Well I'd chop her head off then. Well yeah. But she'd just be going on about Frida Kahlo and stuff and you're like fucking take a day off love. Alright. Why can't we watch Heat or something? Right. Why has it always got to be about this? It always comes back to this. What do you mean you want to go to the V &A? Anyway. Charlie what have you learnt? Presumably this was something you knew a bit about. I know about Henry VIII I've heard of him. I've some people fancy slugs. I've put his wives as slugs. We can look at them.
43:04Right, zoom in, Charlie. You've made... So I think what you've learned is that you've actually got a maggot fetish. I like slugs. And you've got... We'll let the dog see the slug rabbits then. We've got Catherine Varigan, top left. Now, which slug would you find most attractive? Well, I'll tell you what, it's not your one. Anne Boleyn's a fucking bunter of a slug. Yeah, Boleyn got absolutely killed. in this AI animation. Catherine Parr. No, I don't like the dark colour. I think Aragon's the best-looking slug. I think Catherine Howard and Catherine Arrogant. She looks sweet. Catherine Howard looks quite sweet.
43:37No, no, no, no. Yeah, Aragon looks most regal. No, I disagree. Seymour looks clapped. Seymour's eyes are too far apart. Catherine Parr's hideous. But you want to fuck that Catherine Arrogant slug. Catherine Arrogant's got something about it. I want that slug to get on my snail trail. Anyway, we'll leave you on this image of the wives of Henry VIII as slugs. thank you so much for joining us on this journey a great man an English hero a victim a chronically ill victim a victim of what's the opposite of misogyny? misandry a victim of misandry repeated a serial misandrist victim who bravely broke with Rome course corrected our country and what a hero he is the long road to Jeremy Clarkson thanks for joining us we'll see you on the Patreon tomorrow for our review of The Other Berlin Girl but if not we will see you next week for a brand new topic from all of us here, goodbye goodbye
44:49hello look what TJ Maxx dragged in The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu We are digital. We are downloadable. We are streamable. The fashion event of the year is certified fresh. Pull yourself together. We have work to do. Critics say it's smart and witty and the perfect sequel. That's all. Get runway ready for The Devil Wears Prada 2 on Disney Plus and Hulu. Rated PG-13. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects.
45:31And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.
From the publisher
You know what they say, one woman's ick is another woman's kink.
Henry VIII (Part Four)
Go on holiday but don't get stung with data costs - get an exclusive 15% discount on Saily data plans. Use code truther at checkout. Download the Saily app or go to https://saily.com/truther
This episode of Fin vs History is brought to you by Surfshark.
Secure your privacy with Surfshark! Enter coupon code FVH for an extra 4 months at https://surfshark.com/fvh
The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.
For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon
patreon.com/fintaylor
Chapters:
00:00 - Henry’s Therapy
03:44 - The Ambassador Of Gout
08:35 - The Divorced Dad
13:19 - Walking Food Bin
19:53 - That’s My Boat
25:47 - The Golden Age Of Uncles
28:32 - Whale On A Beach
32:38 - Personal Growth
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices