A Fritzlian Slip | Mozart: The Great Composers (Part 1)

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0:35Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection causing serious symptoms. Allerge your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue, and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

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3:09Welcome back to Finn vs. History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. And today we're talking about Mozart. This is the great composers week. Classical music. We are in Austria. Is this when doing this sort of stuff wasn't considered fruity? Classical music. Yeah, or has it always been considered fruity? I think it's just fruitiness was considered greater back in the day. Oh, right. yeah there was a great respect for fruitiness this is the more that we're in the 18th century this is the fruit the fruit century i mean i reckon the style is maybe the worst style for me the drip yeah i think the white wigs i don't know obviously it's easy to judge trends yeah you know with hindsight but i feel like i'd be looking back at old pictures of me in my 20s i was fucking wearing a white wig i'm pretending to be an old lady you know in the way that you like maybe look when you have like baggy trousers yes and it's like fuck why was i doing that that's so embarrassing my hawaiian shirts and my billabong shorts thinking jeans i was in an elvis film and i was 10 what the fuck was i doing wearing the kanye western those glasses you know those ones yeah i was wearing that school disco you know i had a massive massive quiff like slick just cringing this is 18th century austria white women white men are black women they're wearing wigs uh they're powdering their face but i can get some wigs cool but but like old bad hair yeah or like you're using a wig to make yourself have worse hair than you already have but everyone also has the same yeah they all you all are judges and you could be like a 19 year old in a white wig it's crazy everyone's got white hair uh we're also in austria which i mean this is where austria is the cultural capital of the world it's another the past is another country it's true this this what am i meant to think austria the country of hitler fritzel schwarzenegger mozart freud freud baumgartner help me out what do you want me to do yeah make this make sense who am i who am i who are you what do you want me to do when i come to the country yeah do you want me to sing i'll do it i'll do kiss mummy on the lips i'm meant to fuck my mouth what am i meant to do i'm meant to build a basement help me out austria but this is this was i mean some people fritzel fritzel and freud i've never made that link oh well you think there's a what like you have a freudian slip you think he had a fritzel slip i built up oh no i meant to build up and i built down i guess i feel like the fritzel's basement it's sort of symbolic of maybe a slight desire to maybe have sex with your family if you read into it yeah you know what i mean you have to really read into what he did you read into it i think that actually internally implies a desire you can overanalyze these things Yeah, it's true.

5:51I'm probably really into it. Yeah. No. He doesn't look evil. No. No. Does he? He just looks like a lovely old man. This is a normal Austrian. That's an Austrian grandpa. We're in the pomp of Austria. Yeah. The Austria-Hungarian Empire. The Habsburgs. The inbred empire. 18th century. Now, our listeners do not listen to classical music. They listen to thrash metal. Yeah. They listen to... Fuck him, Mom! On repeat. I'm trying, yeah. This series we're talking about Mozart and Beethoven. Their equivalents will be Marilyn Manson. Sure, they don't have any cultural touchstones here. No. They're completely...

6:26The classical period for them is the early 2000s. Yeah, Blink-182. Where are you? That's their symphony. And they're like, fucking hell, boring playing classical music. That's their symphony. Do you think this is the best sort of music to murder someone to? Yeah, there's definitely... Well, we were saying... Depends which type of music I've heard. We were saying before, classical music is brilliant because you put it on your headphones and you leave and it's like you're in a film. Yeah. And you could be doing anything and it makes it seem important. or like grand... Pooing? You could be pooing.

6:53Thank you for raising that so gently. Pooing? You could be pooing and listening to... And it'll make it feel like you're important and you're creating great art. You could be beating your meat-hoven. Yes, you could be... Beaten meat-hoven. Yeah, it's in there. Yeah, somewhere. Bam-fuck. Beating your meat-hoven. Yeah, I've been banging a lot about Beethoven and Mozart for this series, and yeah it's great just yeah you're waiting for the tube it's raining everyone's ugly yeah and it fits somehow it fits you know but i do think it was uh we were talking about i think lyrics have made music worse okay this music is so it can it's you can read anything into right okay we've got dj assault ass and titties is this your favorite song charles is it yeah well what's the lyrics i mean i guess but do you think this is what they'd be saying are you saying it's because of lyrics do you think this is the lyrics that would have been to the songs stop stop it stop stop stop stop and just get the lyrics up of arson yeah what i will say is that i think just do the lyrics i think there have been so many lyrics now that obviously dj assault is is really scraping the barrel with or because mozart and i mean beethoven he did have some choral um yes like o to joy but he's taking a poem there i think if they wrote their own lyrics it could easily have been like this they never had to write their own lyrics.

8:14You know, Mozart wasn't a great lyricist necessarily. We don't know. But also Beethoven was an incredible, we'll get to him next episode, but he was a very, very horny man, Beethoven. So if you put lyrics on top of his music, it probably would just be, take off your pants, take off your pants. Take off your pants. Let's do it. So big booty bitches, please. Us, titties, us and titties, us, us, titties, titties, us and titties, us, titties,

8:48big booty bitches we get the idea so that's um that's Mozart that's Handel's that's DJ Assault's Messiah yeah is he um classical or romantic DJ Assault he's romantic he's horny arts and titties I think it's clearly yeah he's romantic yeah he's horny we're now in the horny age I think I think that's the fourth period yeah he's a bridge between the romantic and the horny age yes in the way the Beethoven bridge classical romantic DJ Assault has taken us from the romantic age to the horny age. Wet House Pussy. What other songs has DJ Assault done? Nipples and Clicks is my favourite. Anyway, so we don't need to listen to Nipples and Clicks.

9:23I get a feeling I get the idea of what Nipples and Clicks will be. Right, we don't need to... Nipples... It's like fish and chips. Lyrics. Yeah, we don't need to get... How does it go? Nipples and Clicks. Nipples, nipples, nipples.

9:45is this the same album this is one of his earlier words this is a beast oh right so we really sold out with our nipples and clits right okay well we can park dj assault for now this is the long road to dj assault nipples and clits took your bitch and put my dick on all right thank you charlie today we're discussing wolfgang amadeus mozart who was born in salzburg on january 1756 wolf gun amabas moats up so this to place this for our listeners this is after the kind of musically we're post green sleeves yes uh which is kind of all music was i guess for about 500 years pre-bach yeah it was kind of religious choral stuff right yeah and now it's kind of getting into so it's pre uh it's post green sleeves it's pre blink 182 where are you right It's a lovely place.

10:38Yeah, so that's where we are. That's what Mozart is, the bridge between Greensleeves and Plink-182. Mozart is sort of the first ever prodigy. The most famous prodigy. The definition of a prodigy is sort of... It's like an Austrian Stevie Wonder. Yeah. Stefan Wunderbar. Yes. Yeah. Michael Jordan, sort of. Now, his dad is a sort of, is a skilled violinist. He's a composer, and he's a deputy conductor at the Salzburg Court. Now, this is an era where musicians were essentially salaried. Right. And over the course of this series, what we'll see is musicians sort of transition. Right. Not in the way they do nowadays.

11:15They used to sing hymns. They now sing they, thems. Yep. That's good. But, sorry, they used to sing he, hims. Nearly got it. But what we'll see is that they'll transition from salaried employees, like chefs, to troubled artists, respected. And most respected people in society, in a way. Yeah. So, I mean, this has happened in most art, is that it used to be down with the prostitutes, bottom of the pile, literally just jesters making the wealthy dance and now they're the most respected. Yes. I think it's a disgrace. Yes, yes. But now like, you know. Rich people who don't work should be the most respected.

11:51Yes. Rich people who are born into it and have never done a day's work in their life. I think that, we should go back to that. His mother Anna Maria is a well-liked woman from Salzburg, if you can imagine such a thing. Now, why is Austria such a cultural hub at this point? It's because they have a massive empire, but it's all landlocked and they're not getting involved overseas. No. The Brits are bothering... So they've turned inward. They've turned inward. Melancholy. They've built a basement and they're fucking their own. Okay. It's what Austria does. Yes. It's the Fritzl complex. Yes. They've had a Fritzlian slip and they've fucked their daughter in a basement that they've built.

12:23It could happen to the best of us. Happens to any of us. It did. It happened to the best of us. I meant to call my... I meant to say teacher and instead of calling my teacher mummy, I've accidentally built a basement and I fucked my daughter in it. Oh dear. Over 25 years. Over 25 years. Huge structural infrastructure. project and i fucked my daughter and i've got a daughter a granddaughter daughter now anyway it's a little fritzilian slip um now wolfgang amadeus mozart is one of seven but only he and his sister nano nano nano survive infancy uh because at this point kids uh can she be fit if she's called nano can she be fit nano no no no let's have a gander at nano mozart it's not like oh my god Nan Earl Not bad I mean of course You rub your dick On her nipples You put your dick On her nipples Yes but that doesn't Mean much You put your dick On her nipples What is that saying Let the dog see the rabbit Put your dick On her nipples Nan Earl Not quite as poetic She looks quite lovely She looks like Marge Simpson With grey hair Yeah I mean again The worst lids The bonsters at this point Are not good But if you If you sent Lisa Ann Back to that time Would everyone just be like No No Or would they be like You're fugly I think they'd say you're fugly really yeah yeah i think so because i mean that it didn't fit the the the time but can you imagine that people have come to see um mozart doing opera and instead they see lisa around conducting ass and titties in the opera house she's conducting yeah with what and then she does the she does her ass as well she could have two orchestras yeah she's twerking one that could be the sort of like i don't know the kettle dumps propel fitness water with gatorade electrolytes zero sugar and vitamins propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self what propels you propel with gatorade electrolytes chronic migraine 15 or more headache days a month each lasting four hours or more can make me feel like a spectator in my own life botox on a botulinum toxin a prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine it's not for those with 14 or fewer headache days a month.

14:30It's the number one prescribed branded chronic migraine preventive treatment. Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection causing serious symptoms. Allerge your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue, and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness.

14:56Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. Why wait? Ask your doctor, visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com, or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized, Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu And the season's most overlooked little green vegetable Is dressed to be devoured You know what to do Order on the Sweetgreen app But Leopold is like the original tiger mum Sorry, I bet there's going to be a play called Nan Aral About how the real Mozart was Nan Aral But it was sexism that stopped Do you know what I mean?

15:46Yeah, and how we can't enjoy Mozart's music Yeah, it's because it's actually, yeah It's structurally oppressive She was actually better than him and it's probably Picasso's fault as well is it oh yeah it probably is probably oh we all pedos now is that what you take away yeah that's right that's right you're looking at Guernica oh so I'm a pedo as well am I oh am I right okay then is that what you're telling me fair enough fine no we didn't know we're not saying that fine no well if that's what you're saying I might as well be one lock me up guilty who am I here to meet who am I here to meet that would be very funny to go to an Asda Carpenter Who am I here to meet then?

16:23Come on. Come on then. Who is it? Which one of you am I here to meet? I'm here to meet someone. I'm going away for a long time. Self-identifying pedo in an Aztecarpot. But it's sort of split personality because you're half pedo hunter, half pedo. Like severance. Yeah. Wait, yeah. Half vigilante, half pedo hunter. I'm going away for a long, long time. And then doctors are like, this is an extraordinary case of schizophrenia. I've never seen split personality like this. Borderline pedo disorder. This is incredible. Half of him is a pedo vigilante and the other half's a pedo. He's in a car park arresting himself.

16:59Snake eating his tail. Pedo eating his tail. Come on then. I didn't know. I thought she was 18. I'm not buying it, lad. Well, anyway, Mozart. Yeah, so Leopold, his dad, he's like a dad shouting on the sidelines of a football game. Maybe the ultimate dad shouting on the sidelines. He's like a tiger mum sort of. But he's on the sidelines of an orchestra practice going, come on, fucking stick it out, man. Fuck, say it, Amadeus. Fuck. So he saw Wolfgang's talents as a divine gift to be used for the family's advancement. He said, quote, a miracle which God let be born in Salzburg. That's what I call Joseph Fritzl.

17:39Now Mozart, I mean, he's such a fucking boff. Right. Age three, he's playing the harpsichord. He's composing by five. Freak. Complete freak. In China, they would have chucked him down the stairs. Yes. Anyway, he begins playing the harp score at three. Age six, he writes a concerto movement that is so difficult, his father doubts that anyone could play it until he sees his six-year-old son sit down and play it. I mean, he's screaming to be wedgied at school, isn't he? This guy needed to be wedgied. He's yelling it from the rooftops. Please wedgie me. He writes this thing that had been like a carefully guarded secret in the Vatican, this piece called Allegria Misery.

18:19He hears it twice and then writes, transcribes the entire piece from memory, age 14, which effectively ends the Vatican's control over the work. So, I mean, he's just a sort of insane genius. Annoying little fucker. I mean, imagine going to school with this cunt. Yeah. Did you play instruments at school? Yes, piano. Piano. Yeah. Any good? No. No. I did try quite hard, but... I played double bass and yes, I did spin it and it was cool. I spun it at the concert. But you were sort of whining upon the double bass, weren't you? I was standing up. Yeah. I had a little stool. But were you like, I'm in love with the shape of you?

18:52No, I wasn't. But I was going after women that were shaped like double bass. The perfect shape. Were you trying to spin them? I was spinning. Yeah, I was, I would spin the double bass and it spike at the end. What does double bass sound like? It's like a deep cello. All right, right. It looked like I was playing a cello but I was just so big compared to the double bass that proportionally it sort of worked. Yeah, I had to lug it around. We had to get in a state car so I could drive, you know, it was a fucking nightmare but no I played what made you pick the double bass I think I was I was massive and someone had to pick it so it's like playing in goal my fingers would do fat I was playing in goal the orchestra that's what it was but yeah I would sort of be wearing Elvis Hawaiian shirt spinning the bass trying to pick up chicks a lot going on there's a lot going on it's mince pie era you know wasn't happy now Mozart was also an ill child.

19:46Yes. Everyone in this story seems to be ill. Everyone's fucked. It seems like, yeah. It's not a healthy time. 18th century Austria is not a healthy time. It's not health kick. It's not Huberman. No. Huberman's not about at this point. After performing at Schönebrunn in October of 1762, he falls ill with scarlet fever. It's funny, they seem to have no theories as to why people are getting ill. That seems to be the thing. Well, this is around the time of Captain Cook getting everyone to eat kimchi. Yes. Isn't it? Yeah. Was it kimchi? No, sauerkraut. it wasn't famously it wasn't kimchi sorry so the the early illnesses foreshadow a lifetime of precarious health uh they go on this massive tour and he doesn't grow at all for the three and a half years that they're on tour he's like messy so he ends up being five foot three yeah he is he is messy he's in messina now they're on this grand tour between while he's between five and six i mean my daughter is four what's she got what sort of skills she shows she can put she started putting stickers on the TV and I can't get them off.

20:44So now we're trying to watch the P. Diddy documentary and there's a fucking Peppa Pig sticker over his face. I don't know if you can tour with that. No. No. Well, it's vandalism, isn't it? Outside our house, it's illegal. I don't know if you'd get the courts of Europe coming to see that. And now these tours, the grand tours, they are designed by his dad to secure income and aristocratic favour. So in 1763, they hit Munich, Stuttgart, Frankfurt, then the Austrian Netherlands. Right. My word, what's going on? I can't think at this point they control the Netherlands Austria bizarre the tourists are such an asshole the Austrian Netherlands so I guess what's that the red light district but it's underground and you're all related to them I think so well it's like that story of the dad in the glory hole that's exactly what the Austrian Netherlands let's do that again I went the guy went on the stag do to Amsterdam and the bride sucked off her dad she sucked off a random cock and that turned out it was her dad yeah kind of the perfect crime though if you it's like is it I think of more perfect crimes I would be not doing that that was perfect got away with it a perfect crime is getting away with it yeah you got away with sucking off your dad when you didn't want to no why did you put didn't want to in air quotes I mean okay no to be fair if you no one saw that or heard that but he went you didn't want to I didn't want to suck off my dad yeah if you did want to suck off your dad whoops oh it is the perfect crime if you did want to suck off your dad to be fair to charlotte i think the fact that she's traumatized and the marriage broke down immediately i think we can safely say that she did not want to suck off her dad that's perfect whose dick is that then let's let's press the button and reveal oh it's dad oh ideal i was hoping for that outcome is there is that is there a button reveal at these these places that's what it is that's what the story is is that it's a it's a it's a two-way mirror or whatever or it's like a it's black and you both press a button if you want to see who's on the other side and they did it not dots of the stars it's the voice it's the voice yeah come in my mouth perfect crime yeah so that's the austrian netherlands yeah anyway that's dealt with done yeah so in april 1764 the final leg of the tour mozart comes to england yeah he performs for george the third this is the beginning of touring really yeah this is no one really was touring like this before also i think and i it's just like is it before this that he hops in the lap of the um austrian empresses uh he or the austrian empress yeah and everyone's like oh my god he's broken a protocol and she finds it cute yes because mozart is throughout his personality is very like childish childish childlike and he stayed and obviously when he's a kid that's fair enough but he he never grows out of it so he basically he now like nowadays is he'd be a guy that's like, he'd be that guy.

23:29Yeah, he's a true, like outside of the music, he seems to be a bit of an idiot. Yeah, he would have ADHD. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, he's motorboating the queen. He's that guy who's a bit like Charlie who you ask him to do something and he'd go, yeah. He says, he speaks in orgasm noises and you're like, can you not do that? What he'd do is he'd be really brain rotted now. Yeah. He'd be just making loads of like, just from TikToks, he'd just be constantly. Do you want a cup of tea, Mozart? Yeah. Yeah. He'd be that, he'd be that guy. anyway he meets Bach's son Johann Christian Bach who's astonished by his talent he composes his first symphony aged eight in London now meanwhile his dad is bedbidden with a severe throat infection and believing he was dying you didn't commit to that just a little subtle one believing he was dying he wrote to his friend quote prepare your heart to hear one of the saddest events so his dad's a prick as well I think we could say runs in the family he comes back from London now Nanarl nearly dies weeks of fever for Wolfgang they're just always sick at this point but they finally return to Salzburg in 1766 he goes to Vienna which is the cultural capital of the time he gets smallpox in 67 and yet after recovering age 12 now he receives a prestigious commission to write an opera and he writes the feigned simpleton we've got a feigned simpleton right here we do which is performed in 1768 but rehearsals fall apart.

24:57What did you say? What did you say? You just said feigned. What's feigned? Well, I mean, that's absolutely perfect. True ignorance does not know itself. Yeah, but I guess you're not a feigned. Of course you don't. He's not a feigned simpleton. What's feigned? No, you're not pretending. You're not pretending. I'm real. Yeah. I'm authentic. You're a feigned feigned simpleton. Now, rehearsals for the feigned simpleton fall apart because the orchestra resent being led by a child. Fair enough. Which is fair enough. Sorry, Greta Thunberg telling you to recycle. Yeah, fuck off, love. why don't you have a kid and do you see how many fucking nappies they are they need are you going to do cloth nappies are you Greta are you going to are you going to be dipping shit stained cloth in a big pot on a hob are you I don't know no the listeners want to hear about Mozart they're desperate we are getting a few comments saying like maybe start the history earlier I'm trying maybe fuck off yeah we'll also definitely fuck off now in December 1769 Mozart is aged 13 and his father embarks on a three and a half year tour of italy which is the center of opera which is like high art at this point is he posting on his instagram his tour date is it like must be yeah i don't know if people are really doing anything i mean who's like a young who's the last sort of recent young prodigy how old how old was justin bieber when he broke through 15 16 younger maybe he's gone a bit geezer mode now though justin bieber sort of yeah sort of it's more just like traumatized celebrity.

26:20I don't know if he's a geezer. No, it's like hard, but he dresses like hard. He's like prison break style. But for me, I don't feel he, that's not hard. It's more like, I've been through some shit. He's got those, I've been through some shit tattoos. His father-in-law killed a woman. Did he? Alec Baldwin. Of course. Mozart composes seven symphonies in 1772 alone. Now I feel like, Charlie, could you just get a chat to you? Let's just define for the thick, fat listeners who mainly spend their lives listening to thrash metal. Right. And like, what's that Finnish death metal band with the oh fucking Erasmus they listen to Erasmus a lot this what's a symphony what's a concerto a symphony is that they get a monster munch they get monster there is the thrash metal and they're playing all at once you know Ratatouille where he's having the grape and the cheese and it's like all coming together that's what they're doing with the pickled onion monster is one note monster mango crush arse blast arse blast pickle on your monster munch mum's saying gender type fuck off mum and it all comes together so that's a way of understanding what a symphony is yeah whereas a concerto would be like a lead instrument you know a violin concerto or a cello concerto or whatever wait so yeah a symphony is for the whole orchestra so there's no big leading instrument no so it's a it's a very complex thing to wrangle all these different elements wood, brass, strings concerto It's just a big concert, isn't it?

27:47You just think it's concert in Italian? Big concert. Big concert. Right. Now, he returns to Salzburg in 1773 for his teenage years. Now, they're musically fruitful, but personally restless. Right. He composes Symphony No. 25 in G minor. He struggles with the constraints of Salzburg and the rigid control of his father. He wants independence, which, again, is not the done thing for a musician. Sure. Musicians at this point are just playing for the emperor. You're sort of attached to a court. Yeah, it's like you're like a chef who's got a catering job and you want to set up your own restaurant. Right, right.

28:20Now, at this time, we should say, he was also noticing girls experiencing romantic impulses. And there were people who were not doing this in the classical music world, castrati. Yes. Now, these are eunuchs whose voices were preserved through pre-puberty castration. My name is Jeff. But that forever. Forever, yeah. Hello. I am 48 years old. Yeah. This practice begins in 16th century Italy. Obviously, it starts in Italy. Yeah. And it produces singers with exceptionally high, powerful voices with a massive lung capacity. You're amazing. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. It's now legal. Did they speak like this the whole time then?

29:00Yeah. Were there like eight-year-old guys who were like this? Yeah, yeah. Okay. They all hang out. But why do we talk low because we've got balls? Where is what's going on? I don't think it's because. I think your voice drops and your it's testosterone probably right so if you cut off one of your balls you go a bit higher no that's not it's a little bit like this if you lose a ball for testicular cancer you don't start talking like this and then you lose your other one and you go all the way up like that I wish you did no I don't think you do and similarly you're doing a peel if you add balls you need to check your balls for lumps this is a serious issue to be taken seriously yeah please check your balls this could happen to you and if you could spare a ball then I go I sound like this actually I sound alright oh fucking brilliant cheers for the balls love sorting me out yeah that's not how it works I think the balls or if you have like five balls you speak like this you alright yeah I was born with six fucking balls so I speak like this I'm six years old they weren't cutting man's balls off and then giving them to other people to create this greedy little here bring him here give me his balls no no no no please they weren't creating really deep voices with more balls.

30:11I must stress that. It'd be amazing if you could, like, customise it, though. Like a ten-ball boy. Yeah. You're like, you haven't done a damn anymore. How old is he? He's like five years old. Four and a half. Barry White had six balls. Anyway, now surgeons would perform this secretly and fabricate stories about accidents to justify it to their parents. The accidents could be like falling off a horse or wild pigs or geese had attacked them and gobbled their testicles up. I'm so sorry, It was the wild geese. It was the wild pig. You know the geese? Goblin me testicle. You know you try to feed the geese and they knobble your testicle.

30:47Oh no. Sorry it was the wild. Get that goose away. Get that goose away. Oh no. Oh no. So let's just go through the process. For our male listeners, this will be especially painful. Surgeons soaked the boys in a warm bath to soften up their tissues. Lovely warm bath. I'm enjoying it so far. Next, they knock them out with opium. Okay, still not too bad. Or strangle them until they pass out. Prefer the first one. Then the surgeons had a fork in the road. So I'm on opium. I'm in a bath I'm having a brilliant time well I guess they had three before and you could just shove a fork in it they cut out their testicles completely or they snip the blood vessels that supply the testes which means the testes would wither away naturally right and the physical effects of castration wither away naturally does that mean you have an empty ball bag like a kind of old grape I think it just yeah it's like dried fruit is it like a bag for life an empty bag for life just flapping around down there yeah right if you were castrated right you became unusually tall because of unfused growth plates so I guess it means you're tall but he looks a bit weird hello yeah you must have played me can you can you google can you can you can you go charlie can you google break it up guys break it up don't make me come over there can you google alessandro maresci who was the last castrati who died in 1922 um so they they also had smooth smooth youthful faces no adam's apple no body hair uh and a tendency toward extra fat and breast development kind of he could be a lady librarian.

32:11Could castrati ejaculate? I think you can. I just think it's like... Well, maybe not. It's really high-pitched. Yeah. Oh! Oh, yeah. You're more high-pitched than that. Some were able to have sex, but that was because of incomplete castration. Right. They could still experience erections and orgasms. So they could still do it all. But they couldn't bus. Yeah. They couldn't splooge. Imagine how emotional. They couldn't chuck ropes. They weren't shooting ropes. That final splooge must have been so emotional, though. So you're saying goodbye? No, but it's pre-splooge. You've got to catch them pre-splooge.

32:42You should let them have one. No, because then if they can splooge, it's too late. You've missed the bus. Wait, what age? What age are you? Missed the bus. What age? The splooge bus. Yeah. What age are you snipping? Pre-puberty, 12, 13. Okay, so you might be able to get one splooge in then. Charlie, can you find some castrati music? I want to hear this, because the good thing. Castrati. It sounds like it's a nice word for a horrible thing. Castrati. Fucking hell. That's a bloke. It's a geezer. It's like a child with an amazing lung capacity. This is kind of amazing, isn't it? We should bring it back.

33:14And it's all of it. Well, do you know what the good thing was? It's like for a guat. For a guat. It kept women out of music. Right. Chop his balls off. You have a sit down, love. Yeah. We can do this. We don't need you. Yeah, we don't need you. Yeah, we don't need you. It's like our women now say they don't need men because they can fucking, I don't know. Yeah. Well, fuck off then. Or we can castrate him. I'm going to chop my balls off. Yeah, he's my girlfriend. I'll say your part. Fuck it. He's my girlfriend as well. Yeah. Well, what? Yeah, no, we don't need him. Don't need him, yeah. Now, Mozart's Love Life, he meets a woman called Aloisa Weber.

33:44Ooh. And he tells his dad, he's going to be like, fuck off, I'm not going to Italy, I'm going to Paris. And his dad gets all angry. And then he goes to Paris with his mum, and his mum, as, you know, fair enough, just sees Paris and just dies.

34:03but this marks a huge psychological shift in him he gets all sad right he's a little mummies little impish mummy's boy yeah does his music change because his mother had been i guess the only one that was like you know what you're not an annoying prick right so the big moment in his life right when he comes back to salzburg after his mum's dead and the relationship with his dad is getting tense because his dad's got a big ego as well and his dad's his dad's like a failed musician and he's living vicariously through his son but it's the first time that son's ever been able to possibly break out of the whole salaried nature of music right and his dad's completely milking him for cash yeah he's been like linked to all the money in 1772 archbishop sigismund dies and i guess that was like his patron and count hieronymus colorado right it comes to power and he views mozart not as a prodigy but as like a purely an employee and this kind of this tension breaks in 1781 during a visit to Vienna where Mozart refuses the humiliation of the archbishop and challenges him and then resigns and then he just fucks off back to Vienna and this is the first time that anyone ever went freelance basically okay so he's the first remote worker yeah he goes I'm going fuck you dad yeah fuck you archbishop I'm going to support myself by teaching composing yeah and attracting wealthy patrons which is kind of the opposite of what we Right, so the long line to freelance.

35:24Charlie, you're a freelancer. Is he just like working for him with his, he's just playing piano with his fucking pants on? Yeah, I guess maybe he's not remote worker. He's a freelancer. Remote worker would make no sense. He's attracting - He's just shaking the mouse. He's just shaking the keyboard. In this day and age, you had like wealthy people would pay money, a lot of money to one person. Whereas we get thick, fat, poor people to give us three pounds a month. Yeah. And there are deeply - Patrons. There are patrons. So our patron is a hive mind. right yeah as opposed to one rich person it's a hive mind it's a massive zombie cattle essentially yeah sorry we need to respect our patrons yeah we are one hive mind we all think the same for three pounds a month you can also join our club yeah and become part of the hive mind of cattle that tell their mom to fuck off yeah um So he marries Constance.