A JackAss-ian Figure | Horatio Nelson (Part 2/10)

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0:39Welcome back to Finn vs. History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. And today we're finally getting to Horatio Nelson. My namesake. The other Horatio. Yeah, one of the three. It's Horatio Kane from CSI Miami, Horatio Nelson and me. I hadn't heard of that first one. It's a big name to live up to, I'll tell you that. Which are you named after? Horatio Kane. No, I'm not named after anyone specifically. I think they actually just like the name. But I guess Nelson probably would be more in the... Also, Bibi's related to Nelson. Really? You go way, way back. Well, I, right. Go on. My great, great, great, maybe great, great, great, great, great grandfather was the - Had no arms.

1:20He had no arms. And was blind. And he's blind. Anyway. No, he was the surgeon on the HMS victory. Really? About 15 years after Trafalgar. Oh. So, yeah. It's really cool. And then it's not - When it was a tourist boat? When it was a prison, I think. A floating prison in Portsmouth, I think. But there's a portrait of him in my uncle's house. And this is how creepy it is. He looks exactly like my uncle. And I thought for the first 15 years of my life, oh, that's my uncle dressed up as like a 19th century dandy. Oh, really? Wow. And then we were like, oh, no, that's your great, great, great grandfather.

1:56And I was like, that's a glitch in the matrix. He looks exactly like my uncle. That's some disciplined breeding, isn't it? Yeah. That's like you've got a type. The same. But if you still look like your great, great, great grandfather, really has not Presbyterian stuff that is well that's Scotland for you you look like my sister brilliant let's get married let's get married and then we'll have me and you we're talking about Horatio Nelson it's part two of our epic no girls allowed ten parter on the Napoleon I tell you what I think Nelson I don't know if the ladies in the room would agree I think Nelson really and this crosses a bit of the boundaries from even male stuff really I would say so when you say it it's pretty it's just it's romantic uh it's i think there's it i don't know it feels like it doesn't get as bogged down in the sort of like nitty-gritty i think the story is a can cross gender barriers amputations yeah but i don't know i think he's listening to podcasts about naval amputations i think nelson as a figure is more attractive for women often comment saying why are you doing this he's got a fucking column yeah and i'm out there every sunday wearing a stone island badge defending it yeah yeah against anyone preemptively defending it i'm there come on then come on yeah no one's talking about knocking that down but i'm defending i'm defending it you've seen they're not knocking down because i'm there my favorite video of a true patriot a real telegraph reader uh is the um do you know that guy in a flat cap who go pushes away churchill is a racist the car that guy do you have that video because i just like that is this is one of our patrons for sure there's just something fuck i've never seen a more right-wing man just like the way that you could just tell he's dressed as a farmer just as a farmer yeah barber jacket stone island badge fuck off fuck off bollocks get rid of it horatio nelson is you know it's it's weird because i didn't learn about any of this at school i found all this out myself i did my own research for this i've done my own research yeah right and i think that's a national travesty that our children are kept away from the Napoleonic Wars.

4:01Nelson is the most exciting British individual from a storytelling perspective, probably. Until David Beckham, yeah. Who can match him? I mean, Monty, you know, we did Monty. He's the World War II equivalent, but it's nowhere near as exciting. Horatio Nelson, and also so much of our architecture, you know, is based around this period of history. and yet it's just like monumental architecture yeah yeah it's just names right and then you find out what he actually did and who he was and fuck me this is the best it gets well i guess because i was called erasure i was always interested in nelson from a young age not that one i imagine you said that a lot at school my name's erasure no not that one um but yeah i was surprised that people wouldn't know about him because that was like it's average side actually what doesn't man.

4:55Nelson's column is average size actually. Yeah. Much smaller column. Horatio Gould's column much smaller. I'll be at Horatio Gould's column. Where's that? I can't see it. It is there. It's just it's more there is normally a man at the end of it. It's a single story thing. I was a man sitting on it. Yeah. Absolutely. A man with a hat at the end of it. Absolutely. A man with no arms sitting on it.

5:19Yeah. But it doesn't. Wait. Is Nelson bouncing on that column? uh yeah um nelson's bouncing on top of that thing um uh he yeah nelson i don't know i i feel like i feel like why the fuck would you know about horatio nelson this is a good to check the stupidest country it's a good start so trafalgar square i've been there yeah what's trafalgar square named after uh the battle of trafalgar would you know who's involved in the battle for trago you wouldn't do you know that horatio is at the top of that column at the middle of Trafalgar? I didn't know that. You didn't know he was at the top? I thought there was a guy out there, but I wasn't sure if it was him.

5:55I don't know why you'd put him in. Nelson's gone. Who's that? Is that Nelson from The Simpsons? What's he doing there? What's he doing? What's that guy doing on top of there? Surely he would represent the column and then there'd just be like, maybe the person. Listen, we're getting, I'm just going to stop this here. This is not what they're tuning in for, okay? Listen, the women are banished. It's men time, okay? We need to tell the story of Nelson. and not listen to a fucking spaz behind the computer talk about a bloke on top of a column. His life is awesome. It's a perfect story. It's incredible.

6:28Yeah. It's, you know, he's a martyr, a romantic martyr. Yes, and also Monty didn't have the privilege of getting killed in World War II, so he lived to the 70s. He lived too long to then say that being gay was a French thing and a crime, right? And that's something that Nelson was saved from. Supporting apartheid and saying that Africa should be one massive country, right? Now, Nelson, thankfully, was saved from that disgrace. By a French sniper. Although, obviously, he would have said the same thing. So, Horatio Nelson is born in 1758 in Norfolk to his father, Edmund Nelson, and his mama, Catherine Suckling.

7:09Suckling on that dang. He has an uncle called Morris Suckling, which I think is probably the best name we've encountered on the pod. It's Morris Suckling. Morris Suckling. Good to meet you. Imagine having a business card saying Morris Suckling. It's quite a toast of London sort of stuff, isn't it? Morris Suckling. It's an insane name. But this is the... I thought you were dead, Morris Suckling. Not Morris Suckling again. The dastardly Morris Suckling. But it's the 18th century. You know, this is... It's a very vivid, bombastic, Brian Blessed-esque age. Fannies. There's a lot of fannies about. Horatio marries Fanny.

7:40Yeah. And you're bringing this back. Horatio and Bibi. I guess so. They're funny names. Yes. You know? they're noises they're noises honk honk honk honk honk and bloop bloop right he is born in norfolk and his mother dies when he's uh nine and i think maybe well again like you say this is where the psychoanalysis has come because his mom was yeah but uh you could say that this is why he maybe feels or rather he wants to feel things and he he very emotional he wants a big intense life Yeah. You know, he wants glory. And this is from a very young age. Because he's very similar to the podium in the sense that he views himself as a great act of history.

8:23And he feels that his life is writing his own story. Yes. But they're temperamentally quite different, I feel. Yeah, Nelson is not a sweaty school shooting himself. He's a sweaty because he's ill. He's sickly at the start, definitely. Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Well, now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for$15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made$15 bills. But it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required.

9:01$15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See terms. In 1991, two hikers in the Alps found a body melting in the ice. They assumed a fallen climber. What they'd actually found was a 5 ,000-year-old murder victim. Welcome to Buried Evidence. Join archaeologist Professor Raksha Dave and me, historian Rebecca Radiel, as we dig up some fascinating true crime through history. Launching on Friday the 4th of September, you can find Buried Evidence wherever you watch or listen to your podcasts. Subscribe at thecrimedesk.com and get episodes a week before anyone else.

9:38Do you struggle to keep up with the news every week? The Bunker has got you covered. Every Monday, we release Start Your Week, where we go over the big stories to follow in the coming days. And then on Fridays, we have our weekly wrap-up, where we give you the context and the meaning behind the biggest and the weirdest stories of recent days. Search for The Bunker wherever you get your podcasts, and subscribe so you never miss an episode. So he's prone to, quote, nervous weakness. and he's also seasick his entire life but he just fuck that plow on he conquers seasickness with the mind yeah right which is not what i mean my i went on a boat recently on a family holiday in cornwall my daughter loved it standing at the bow big cap on smiling loving it uh my son uh got got on the boat uh and then got so scared that he fell asleep like those fainting goats got so scared he fell asleep yeah yeah wow just just black just fell asleep cuddling mummy just i get incredibly seasick and i got a very stoic british uncle who i was at uh seeing cornwall uncle morris suckling it was like uncle morris suckling and he did the most british because he's seasick as well but he was like this he just went and then just went like he opened his mouth yeah loads of sick came out and then he just went as if nothing had happened yeah that's amazing but it's not throwing up it's just opening your mouth to let the sick out and then carrying on yeah he enters so he's a sickly child Nelson he is is also a very early sort of apocryphal tale uh he ignores his grandmother's warnings to cross a field containing a dangerous bull and he says fear I never saw fear so yeah sort of Theresa May sort of stuff this is yeah he is this is a long road to Theresa May only May can equal Nelson's courage and bravely and wildness we did not know how good we had it when we had May, okay?

11:27Who is this Nelsonian figure outside Downing Street? The country I love, you know. You know, they both love their country. They both love their country. They both serve their country. One of them defeated the Spanish at Trafalgar, ensuring that an age of new naval superiority. The other one tried to get us off Brexit through and didn't and had to leave, okay? They're both titanic figures. So in 1771, Nelson enters the Royal Navy aged 12 because his uncle, Captain Suckling, good old Uncle Suckling, who's not a pervert even though it's an awful name. Yeah, if you're called Captain Suckling it sounds like you're sort of an arch pervert.

12:01If you're Uncle Captain Suckling I mean I can't think of three more pedo words. Like you know how it's what three words but for pedos. You know how there's what three words for locations. If you had it for pedos one would be Captain Uncle Suckling. Uncle Captain Suckling. So yeah, so he's in the Royal Navy. He gets Nelson in 1771. Should we play 1771? This is Nelson joining the Navy, a huge moment in the history of this country. Charlie, do you want to have a go at it? Yes. After Nelson, before Belson. After Nelson, before Belson. Right, after Nelson is born, but before Belson, the concentration camp.

12:40Was that Horatio Belson? There was. Yep, we're pre-Belson. Not Boratio Belson. Allegedly, Boratio Belson. anyway so yes long before Belson Belson is just a twinkle in Hitler's great great great great great great great great grandfather's eye anyway Horatio Nelson enters the Navy 771 even though he's very very seasick but he just goes fuck it and he calls himself Horace initially to avoid sounding pompous did you ever do that? yeah Harry I remember when we first started working together on internet you were like don't introduce me as Horatio call me Horace because I was trying to trick influencers into thinking this was a real thing.

13:25And I was like, if our names are Finn, Horatio and Vittoria, they all sound made up. So it was, wasn't it Finn, Victor and Harry or something like that? Yes, yeah. Can you talk about your fake secretary? I think you've discussed that. I've talked about it many times, but I pretended to be a woman with a double-barreled surname for about six months. And got into it. I was flirting with men who are influencer agents. Thank God it's Friday. I was doing stuff like that. I never had a job. So I was just like, I don't ever get to do this. Oh, bloody Monday. Hump day. Monday hump day. You know? It was fun.

13:57It was COVID. It didn't have any work. Anyway, him and Uncle Suckling are... Suckling remarked, What has poor Horace done, who is so weak he should be sent to rough it out at sea? The first time we go into action, a cannonball may knock off his head. Well, you're wrong, suckers. Yeah? So Nelson, very early on, is on an Arctic expedition on HMS Carcass. I think the key defining attribute of Nelson is he seems to be the bravest man who's ever lived. Ever. Yeah. For physical bravery. I mean, it's a point where it feels like he has something missing in his brain. Yes. That has fear. His life weirdly is sort of like Jack.

14:37It's very Jack Arsian, I'd say. Yeah. It's like Jack Ars. I've never used it, heard that word. He lives a Jack Arsian life. He's a Jack Arsian figure. Yeah. but it's sort of like jackass if uh it wasn't a comedy yeah it's jackass if it's a drama yes so imagine them all doing that but there's no no one's laughing they maybe say huzzah yeah it's not it's it's doing all those things putting yourself as much danger as possible it's not for comic but it's not funny no it's serious well and he's british so he's not like a steve a serious serious steve would actually be dirty sanchezium because he's british right um so yes He's a Jackassian figure, Nelson.

15:16I like that. So supposedly, now, who knows if this is myth or not? But he definitely gets sucked into the myth. Because we have to remember... Let's pretend it isn't myth. Let's pretend it's not myth. It's the end of the 18th century. The Romantic era is dawning upon us. People love the idea of individual brilliance and heroism, like the Greek tragedies and stuff. So in an Arctic exhibition on HMS Carcass, a 15-year-old Nelson decides to go and hunt a polar bear, supposedly. when his musket misfires he thinks fuck it and attacks it with the weapon's butt to skin it for his father now supposedly there's a big famous painting of a 15 year old attacking a polar bear with the end of a rifle I'm going to go out on a limb and say I doubt whether that happened but he's the kind of person who would do something like that if anyone did do it it was Boratio Belson absolutely he Belson'd the polar bear completely but again now that tactic will come up again and again in uh smacking a polar bear in the face of the man uh no but as in his his very he's very route one tactically it's like absurdly heroics but whereas napoleon is more refined and he's playing 3d chess nelson is going uh i'm just gonna drive it through there see what see if you like that seeing as it's called mythic and they're both very aware of the classics both yes it feels like nelson's achilles this sort of like it's it's courage and will yes and nelson's more adhesius it's more like cunning and cerebral it's less pure bravery it's sort of yeah it's it's lizard brain versus thinky brain nelson is it charlie they know each other exist yes crucially not yet they don't meet though They never meet.

17:04They never meet. But he's the Napoleon of the sea. Yeah, Federer and Adal. It is a bit like Federer and Adal. But they're playing different sports. I'll tell you a good time to play to places, actually. Right. In the 1770s, I believe early in the 1770s, the Falkland Islands. Yeah, it's the 70s. Is under threat. Right. Right. And Britain, Captain Uncle Suckling, is going to sail an expedition to go and, you know, not for the first time, relieve our southern border from Hispanic interference. And I just want to make sure this is clear. Argentine doesn't even exist at this point. So just a little bit more information.

17:44Argentine is not even a country at this stage. Yeah, but the Falklands are British. So I think you'll find Las Malvinas son Inglaterras. Wankers. Anyway, right? It's not a political... This is not a political podcast. It's not a political podcast. But that semi-final did hurt quite a lot. Yes. But also, they're all fucking descended from war criminals, so who cares? Now, initially, right, the ship is going to go to the Falklands, but by the time the ship was ready, the crisis had been resolved. Okay? Yet again, the British secure the southern border. Right. Okay? So to place Nelson's life, it happens between the Falklands crisis.

18:21Right. Right. After the Arctic, he goes to India and the East Indies. this is on the HMS Seahorse he gets malaria he gets sick he picks up every illness at every point he's a fucking bud chaser this guy where did he at one point I think it's in the Caribbean he sits under some tree that's like a poisonous tree the Manchineal tree so this is during a San Juan expedition he accidentally sleeps under this tree the sap drips onto his skin giving him severe blisters and he drinks river water poisoned by the leaves and he barely survived but is nursed back to health by a local woman using a mixture of herbs and boiled snakes.

19:00So he gets ill everywhere. And then in 1778, he's promoted to commander on the HMS Badger. Badger! And now in Quebec, this is missing from a lot of the history. Do you know this? In Quebec in 1782, at age only 24, Nelson falls obsessively in love with a 16-year-old. Ooh. Ha-woo! That's my 18th century award. Huzzah! Hawoo! Let the dog see the rabbit! Mary Simpson, say her name, in Quebec. He's so horny for this 16-year-old that he basically has to be restrained from getting off the ship. Otherwise, he's going to desert it. He's just trying to get to the 16-year-old on land. So he very nearly has a meltdown, just leaves the Navy.

19:47He feels things very strongly. He's a romantic figure. In 1787, Nelson is in the Caribbean and he marries a woman called Fanny Nisbet. Right. He had survived severe tropical fevers. He got ill everywhere he went. And he also, I think in like Norfolk in 1780, he was hunting, got shot in the face by his mate with like grape shot, just wiped the blood off, went, oh, well, just carried on. So he marries this woman, Fanny, who is, is she an old chewed up widower like Josephine? No, I think she's just... She's got a son as well, right? Does she? She does have a son, yeah. So their lives are quite similar in this point.

20:33But she's like a real middle Englander, right? Yeah, she's fucking dull by all accounts. Dull as dishwater. Dull as manky dishwater. 1787, Nelson marries Fanny and Lisbeth on the Caribbean island of Nevis. At their wedding, the future King William IV is his best man and he gets wildly drunk and then makes inappropriate jokes during the ceremony and then says that he's marrying a woman too cold for his, quote, volcanic nature. Right, that's not a good start. I mean, that's what you want a best man to do, I think. When you're looking for your best man, you're looking for someone who during the ceremony is going to be like, oh, she could have made an effort.

21:05Is that what you want? Yeah, I think you want a little bit, or you want some talking points to come from the speeches. You want some stories. Yeah, because you want good speeches, but you do want some clangers, to be honest. I do think that's the perfect gamut. You need a clanger. an emotional one that brings everyone up but you do want like a disaster class oh man it's great i've seen some absolute car crashes yeah never put the best man last yes never unless it's me and i did a great job but uh uh it was also in italy i did the best job um but the i did i was at a wedding where the best man speech was last and he just went so uh funny thing about uh him Yeah, we went to Thailand and, well, yeah, he likes them with big dicks, it turns out.

21:51I didn't mention the bride once. It's hard for the bride to get a look at, I realise. If you go traditional, if you go groom, father of the bride and best man, it is just about... Awesome. It's just about the groom having sex with prostitutes. And it's like the bride who's special there doesn't really get a mention. She may as well be on a leash, but with a muzzle. Yeah. How did that go down? Badly. badly tears uh no but just just awkwardness and then but then you know as you're saying it gave us something to talk about on the way home yeah i was at a wedding two days ago and one of the fathers of the brides he kept walking into feedback so it sounded like a christian holand trailer and then when he stood backwards the wind would get the mic one of the fathers of the bride yeah there's two fathers that oh sorry my god a london wedding is it sorry there was a father of the groom did a speech and the father of the bride did a speech.

22:44Christ. Yeah, Berners-Britain. Anyway, people think that Nelson and Fanny actually liked each other, although it seems like his entire life will be trying to get away from how boring she is, whether that be through affairs or his own death. So they settle in Norfolk after he finishes in the West Indies and then he just is rattling around for five years, basically unemployed. Whinging. He's a big whinger as well. He moans a lot. Because he just wants action. Yeah. And I guess that's what... And he's got a lot of self-pity as well, which is something that's quite interesting to his character that you don't really see in the battles.

23:16He's very insecure and self-pitying. But he's a frustrated romantic. Yeah. And if he doesn't have anything to do, yeah, he comes across quite morose. The rest of his history said on land, he's like David Brent, kind of. Because at sea, obviously, he's this absurd hero. But I think if he has nowhere to go, these men shouldn't be picked on land in the home counties. so so who who are the men nowadays that shouldn't be on land well i guess the thai cave divers people yes yes that's really underground yeah yeah um and middleton yep again shouldn't be on uh can you who's that who's that woman there you've got up that's fanny christ yeah she doesn't look like a laugh i will say she's not um you know she's not doing white wine seltzers i don't think she's cheating on you though fanny i should know solid as a rock but you know if napoleon's got Josephine with her black stinky mouth to chow down.

24:10Fanny's not, I don't think Fanny's giving you much of a sniff. No. Fanny doesn't have to do the zigzag. Le zigzag. No, Fanny's not doing le zigzag. What's Fanny doing? Just straight and narrow. Missionary once a month. Doggy, but just in a really sad way. Can you do doggy sad is my question. Can you do breakup doggy? She doesn't do but her back's like that. I don't think... It's arch, completely arch. What, like you're stroking a cat the wrong way? So the small of her back is higher up than any part of her body. Right, right. She ain't throwing it back. No, she's not. Fanny Nisbet is not throwing the back back.

24:46No. Fanny, I'll say this now, never had her back blown out. Yes. A Dow woman. She blew her own back in to stop her getting blown out. Exactly. She looks like she works in a charity shop, which I think are the least sexy people in the country. Right. No? I don't think always. Yeah. Yeah, because you'd start having sex somewhere and the Barnardo stop and go, this is such a mess. What are we doing? How do we get here? Crisis Finstery Park has got some nice people. You're saying there's some good totty in the Crisis Finstery Park? You're saying go and check out the tale in the Crisis Finstery Park?

25:22Anyway, so, yeah, he's stuck unemployed. Apparently he's just digging holes in the garden. But again, he does not have a 10-part series on the Napoleonic Wars to listen to. So what's he doing? Yeah. Now, 1793, Britain and France are at war. Okay. Britain is alarmed by French expansion, as always. And so Nelson is back in command in charge of the HMS Agamemnon. Another Greek mythic character. So he, much like Napoleon, has a very distinct style of warfare. Now, it might be a good time to go into naval warfare. Ladies, I told you you weren't welcome here, but if you're still here, wear three pairs of pants.

26:04We're getting into naval warfare in the 18th century. Okay. So it's all about how many cannons a ship has. Yes. But we should also talk, we're going to talk about what the Royal Navy is at this point. Please. Because the Royal Navy, the kind of the beginning of the British Empire, it's all come from this kind of naval review that happened in like the late 1600s, early 1700s when we lost the naval battle to the Dutch. And we're like, we need to sort this out. And then we basically invented a naval service that ran the most efficient bureaucracy anywhere seen in the world you know in greenwich that's where it all started yeah and then basically the royal navy became arguably the healthiest place to be in the world like the it's the height of all technology the best diet biohacking so limes uh the lines is a huge thing we british people got called limeys because we discovered that you got scurvy from a captain cook i think vitamin deficiency yeah but it's basically like the Royal Navy is the height of all technology.

27:03It's Silicon Valley. It's like the center of the industrial world. Yeah. And it's good. There's nothing that can really compare to the quality of the Royal Navy, which is one interesting thing about Nelson's victories is amazing as they are. They are also the best man crew boats. Yeah. And I don't, I wonder if we would have won those battles without him. Well, interestingly, a lot of the battles were outnumbered, but we have so much better equipment. and training as you say because the Royal Navy yeah it's a bit like when Germany had that review after what the 2002 World Cup they got lost in the group stage and then they just start dominating again and they change their style of play this is what St George's Park was meant to be yes exactly the original St George's Park was a naval review in the 17th century and all we have is we're not a great land power we have fuck all on land at this point there's no point no we're fighting Scotland and Wales our whole history really it's holding a midget like that but the Navy an angry scottish yeah you're just holding gimley like that yeah just fuck off then wails like that there you go fuck off um but the net the navy as you say is the it's all of britain's national security it's empire it's wealth everything is the navy yeah and britain uh the spanish navy has subsided at this point it's still big spain and portugal are still players but they're not the powers they once were uh this is the most important a navy this next hundred years is the most important a navy has ever been and probably will ever be yes for global power yes because as soon as air power came in in world war ii and even what the four clums would not have been would reclaimed without the navy it's true but it's not that running the navy doesn't mean you run the world anymore but at this point this is the golden age of naval warfare right so you have uh several different types of ships as i say ladies your final warning okay four pairs of pants minimum uh you're gonna go through them quickly you've added another pair of pants i can't stress how devastating this is gonna be okay if your pelvic floor is weak yeah pause right do some squats yeah then start again yeah right but if you have dry perm this you could this might be the thing for you hey hey they might awaken something if you have dry vag all right just pause intimacy skip to this bit yeah right i'm going to discuss ships of the line a ship of the line right ladies is this is the sort of major ship that you judge a fleet strength by this is sort of multi-story ships that have a large number of cannons this is the most complicated most sophisticated weapon in the world this is like nuclear weapons basically I guess so or it's a maybe it's satellite technology it's so the first rate ship of the line which would be HMS Victory which my ancestors fought on.

29:56When fat American tourists fell down the stairs. My great-great-grandfather was there to pick them up and put the sippy cup back in their mouth and send them on their way. Right. So the ship, now, if you had 100 or more guns, you were a first-rate ship of the line. Yeah. All right. Second-rate, 90 to 98 guns, blah, blah, blah. Now, then you had a frigate, which was a much more fast, maneuverable ship, which would be for scouting reconnaissance. That would still have about 20 to 30, 40 guns. Then you had brigs and cutters, which are much smaller for dispatches, maybe getting food on board, et cetera.

30:30But really, when you're talking about a fleet size, you want to know how many ships of the line they have. All right? Ladies, go to the other room, get more pants, come back. Now, we're now going to get into the mechanics of warfare. Have you changed them? Here we go. A broadside is a simultaneous attack using all the cannons on one side of a ship. So naval warfare, until Nelson, is all about turning the ship so that your cannons are all on one side, and that's when you fire at an opponent. So it's, again, similar to how Napoleon disrupts on land. It's two firing squads looking at each other. It is, and it's an agreed time, and basically it's kind of who rides the swell of the sea better so that their aim doesn't go.

31:17Yeah. And they just fire at each other, fucking loads and loads of guns. Master Commander captures this probably best in any film. Yeah, when it decides to be exciting, yes. But it does seem like one of the worst places to be. I think when you're in a naval battle, you have to remember a lot of people are dying from massive splinters. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how... Don't think annoying a splinter is. Ah, yeah. It's that, but like all over your body and the splinters are quite big. Ah. So there's people just with like a big splinter in their head like that. Should I get it out? But also when you're at the front of the cannons, the whole time I feel like, I don't know, like I'm about to get fucking, you're about to get smashed up.

31:58Like I don't know how they. Did you know this? Did you know that an officer or an admiral on the ship was not allowed to duck? Yes. Or even flinch. So someone like Nelson when he's in command and, you know, there are cannons firing everywhere, huge splinters of wood and fucking metal and masks laying down you have to just stand there like oh yes and if you go oh fuck then you're completely abandoned complete aura loss you lose your command yeah exactly it's all aura and then also he's wearing a different coloured suit to everyone else he's got all his medals he's sitting duck he's got a massive hat on he's got a massive arrow saying I'm the king get me so it's a Johnny Knoxville sort of challenge isn't it he's a Jack Arsian figure so the flagship is the biggest ship from the fleet which carries the flag and the senior commander.