A Long Back and Sides | Feudal Japan (Part 2)

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1:12Welcome back to Finn vs. History. I'm joined as ever by Horatio Gould. And we are talking again about Feudal Japan. Yes. Part two of our Feudal Japan series. We'd gone up to the end of the 1550s, I believe. 1560 odd. Yeah, we are entering the 60s. It's the 60s in Japan. very different 60s very different 60s the suicidal 60s swinging from a tree because you've hung yourself because that's a good thing yeah 60s yeah perfect sunday what's a perfect sunday in feudal japan talk about me through it i would say you know you've got your favorite uh sabuku sword yeah polish give that a polish uh you're not having tweeting outside and then you sort of bleed out for 90 minutes i'd say you know you wake up yeah um you take your shoes off yeah Because upside down world.

2:00So you sleep in your shoes, probably. There's no tables. You have your breakfast on the floor like a dog. But that's a good thing because you're in Japan. You kiss your child boyfriend. You kiss your child boyfriend out of honor. Out of respect. Out of respect. Who's not allowed to penetrate you. That would be awful. You're not a pedo. You're not a pedo. You bum boys. You bum boys. And then I'd say you wake up, you have your tea, you make the tea ceremony. That takes about four hours. Four hours to brew your tea. And then you put the milk in. Japanese tea is like French lunch, isn't it? Yeah. It's just hours on end.

2:35And yet the Japanese are still very productive though. Yeah, it's true. They don't have the same productivity issues as the French do. Yeah, it's because they're killing themselves. Anyone who's not working should be killing themselves and then freeing up the economy for people to work. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, you take your tea, four hours, you put the milk in first, you go, fuck. And then you get your sword out and you can't open your belly. Bleed up for 90 minutes. Bleed up for 90 minutes. Yeah, if Carlsberg did Sundays. If Carlsberg did Sundays. this uh anyway we are talking about odoo nobunaga yeah who in our last episode we left off he'd taken over his clan and he had done a daring night attack on the yoshimoto and he has now won he's won the um is it what's the first is it cooper trooper beach yeah yeah in his story in his story he is uh he's won he's come first in cooper trooper beach what's the first cup called on Mario Kart, Charlie, this would be next.

3:28I've been playing the new Mario Kart world. This is right up your street. A lot, but they've slightly changed it. They've got a lot of the classic things, but I don't know what the... Is it the Mushroom Cup? Mushroom Cup, right. So in this stage, Nobunaga's won the Mushroom Cup. So we've seen the cut scene where we go to the palace and they're all... And it goes on for fucking ages, you can't skip it. So he's won that, but his next challenge will be his hardest challenge yet. which is the... What's the next cup, Charlie?

4:01Charlie, Charlie, why have you got Mario Luigi porn on the screen? Just to sort of provide context. No, it's important to situate it. Look at the Mario Luigi hentai. My God, come on. This is my childhood. Come on. Barely three minutes into an episode. It's the flower cup. It's a long Japanese tradition, though. You're right, actually. In the last episode, we saw some wood carved porn from the 17th century. It's an ancient lineage. It clearly is. Hentai begins in the 18th century. Anyway, so his next challenge will be to win the flower cup. Bit trickier. It is trickier. Tougher turns. What courses are in the flower cup?

4:41What courses? Literally play Maricott all week. Really? Yeah, genuinely. How old are you? I'm 28. Right. Amy Winehouse was dead at 27. Yeah. Well, maybe she wasn't playing enough Maricott. Maybe not. maybe she'd played more Mario Kart and did less heroin that's what it is Toad's Turnpike Frappy Frappy Snowland Frappy Snowland I hate that one Choco Mountain I'd love to go there and Mario Raceway Mario Raceway so I don't like the Snowland because it's the penguins that you hit into I don't like that one I don't go to Mario for snow no I go for exotic colours beach Koopa Troopa Beach is the best one Luigi's Hole Luigi's Hole yeah which cup is that in it's in the bonus round Luigi's Hole you go inside Luigi's arsehole and there's lots of turns.

5:23Yeah, and you have to reverse out. You come out of his mouth. You come out of his mouth. Yeah. Right, okay. And you break all his teeth. Anyway, after taking Kyoto in 1568, Odun Nobunaga turns to take total control. So he sees the Iwari clan, but now all the other warlords think this guy's a fucking, this guy's a nonce or whatever. There's widespread resentment and all his enemies begin to coordinate against him. So it's kind of all out war against Nobunaga. Like a sort of flash mob. Sort of. Now, to truly consolidate his power, Nobunaga must neutralize all alternate authorities that remain. Especially the great temples of Buddhism.

6:04Buddhism, it's a respect to religion, but they've also got their own basically private militaries. These Buddhist temples are actually quite like a powerful force at this moment. And again, I don't really understand. You hear talk of militant Buddhism. Buddhism. Buddhism. Militant Buddhism. But it's very hard to imagine these peaceful Hare Krishnas in their orange things and their shaved heads. And I know Hare Krishna is a different thing. Is it? Well, I guess it must be like... Is it the same? What's Hare Krishna? Hare Krishna, they're fucking sickos, the Hare Krishnas. In like Piccadilly Circus, they're always bothering me.

6:38They always think I'm going to be susceptible to Hare Krishna. Are they Buddhist or are they something else? I don't know. I think they're like freelance sort of... Freelance? Yeah. Right, that wasn't the question. They're not P-A-Y-E. Right, okay. they're taxed at source Hare Krishna's devotional form of Hinduism Hinduism yeah okay so it's completely different yeah it's entirely different but the clothes are quite similar they're both from India is it? I thought Buddhism was from China no most of these religions are from India yoga yeah Lululemon fuck it Lululemon yeah yoga's religion yeah Buddhism started in northern India there you go yeah thanks Charlie that was a really good Google thank you there was no porn in that at all we should actually do an episode on the birth of Buddhism anyway so in Japan in the 16th century the Buddhist no do not for fuck's sake Bowser porn of all the characters getting railed when I went into work this morning I did not think I would have to see Bowser getting railed because you can imagine Bowser railing getting railed is an interesting stop watching my granddad get railed my childhood bowser i always used to pick bowser type in finn's granddad get your do you know what i used to pick i used to pick bowser because i felt an affinity with him because i was massive and it's like when i was playing pokemon at school i always used to people used to call me snorlax you being like i understand what you've been through bowser i never went doing that is that why you picked bowser because you related to him no anyway fucking hell so there's militant there's militant militant buddhists of the they're called the eco-iki yeah eco-iki so it's a misconception that buddhists are all peaceful because that's our view that they're obviously a religion that's managed to survive this long you have to fucking slap some people about but i guess because the other countries religions are much more tied to their identity, whereas Japan is this melting pot of Shinto, Buddhism, Confucianism.

8:46It's a teapot of... Suicide. It's a teapot. It's a Japanese teapot. So it's not quite a sort of militaristic. No. And yet you still have Buddhist private armies. Yeah. Anyway, the Ikoiki, they're grassroots communities of believers, they're monks, and they're armed to defend their little temple towns. And they're rejecting any submission to any dynamo. Dianimo. Any daimyo. So by the late 1500s, there's this sort of network across Japan and Nobunaga sees this as a threat because he sees this as an ability to spark uprightings against him. So he goes, fuck it. I'm going to go on a big one against him.

9:22Smash him. I'm going to smash the Buddhists. Yeah. Which is actually, I feel quite a strong affinity with walking through Central London. I think I'm just fucking smashing. You know who hasn't been fucking smashed for a while? Fucking Buddhists haven't had a fucking lick for a while. There's a crack at the fucking Buddhists. Yeah. All this focus on like Christianity versus Islam. Fucking these guys get around there. been awfully quiet the buddhists those cross-legged floor dogs let's let's fucking slap the bulled head of those buddhists yeah i want to i want to put some american cheese on a buddhist head that's what i want to do i like how they've made laziness like profound do nothing yeah yeah all right mate no doing nothing's productive what are you greek rubbing his belly fat cunt again i've said this is that a hate crime it's going up to a buddhist go your god's a fat cunt but they're two different ones because Buddha is the skinny fucking this guy look at his earlobes fat Buddha is a folk Chinese retelling of the Buddha I believe oh really?

10:20can't rub a thin guy's belly for luck the fat Buddha I love it is a depiction of the Chinese Buddha a 10th century monk representing contentment right from the 10th century a fat Chinese monk a fat just some fat bloke who loved Buddha then the original Buddha is the guy fucking Siddhartha Gautama because the original Buddha looks quite kind of androgynous he's got massive ear lights he's the guy who came up with it all and he's got those lazy sleepy eyes he's like hey hey hey he's gonna come to bed eyes he's also a rich kid you know a lot of time on his hands really so that's why he came up with that right he's a nepper baby anyway 1571 there was a massive buddhist ikkoiki fortress yeah on the foot of mount hi hi hi sorry mount hi yeah it's called enryakoji isn't hi doesn't hi mean hello or sorry in japan because I know Jackie Chan is not Japanese.

11:10I know that. But he's not saying hi every time he... Hello! Hello! How are you doing? What do you mean Jackie Chan's just trying to shake someone's hand? Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. He's got ADHD. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. No, there's an amazing making of... Goodbye, bye, bye. There's an amazing documentary about how he makes, how he made Rush Hour and you see that when he's making all those noises that's actually him calling out choreography moves to everyone else. But they just leave it in. Hi! means I'm about to throw a punch. So he turns around and blocks. It's really fascinating. Anyway. But they just leave it in because it sounds cool.

11:44Well, it does sound cool. Yeah. And it's also from a Western perspective. That's just how I think Japanese would talk. Yeah, that all tracks. Exactly. Yeah. So after smashing several eco-iki fortresses, Nobunaga targets Mount Hai. And it's the politically the most influential complex of Buddhist separatism overlooking Kyoto, the capital. Yeah. So he amasses his huge army, massive army, far too big yeah he basically it's a war crime what he does he burns it down he kills thousands of monks women children in the netflix series about this they show sequence where they just line up loads of women and they just go along chopping off heads sort of rape of nanking sort of stuff many yeah this is the long road to the rape of nanking yeah for the high five of nanking as it's taught in japanese schools as japan would call it the high five of nanking it is contested history.

12:33Not all history is decided. Anyway, they don't high-five women here. They cut their heads off. And this massacre shocks Japan, which again is a country that is not easily shocked. And some of Nobunaga's closest generals are disgusted by this. There is, and I want to put a pin in this for our narrative. There's a general called Akechi Mitsuhide, and he is a devout Buddhist. And he sees the massacre of the Buddhist women and thinks, I don't know about this Nobunaga guy. This guy's a bit fucking mental, you know. This emo guy is a bit fucking, he's a nihilist. He really hates his mum. It has eliminated powerful opposition and it sends a message to all the sects and the daimyo that Nobunaga does not, he's not playing cricket.

13:14Yeah, he really isn't. He's playing someone else. He's not fucking about. He's not fucking about. But it does neutralise the Buddhist warrior threat and that sort of becomes, I don't think the Buddhists as a military force rise again in Japanese history after this. Or maybe ever. Maybe, yeah. They're slapped. See you later. Yeah, now they're just bald and silent. Yeah, he cuts all their hairs off. He gives them a haircut, and now they're just bald. Just bald cunts. So the greatest foe of the Oda clan during this time after the Ikoiki is Takeda Shingen, who is a daimyo of a famous group of military commanders dubbed the 24 generals.

13:51So is that like the So Solid crew? I guess so. There's 24 of them. So he slaps around the Buddhists, But while this is happening, one of the other three unifiers, Tokugawa Ieyasu, he's starting to get invaded by the Shingen. Right. And his lands are in between Nobunaga's and Shingen. So Ieyasu's like, I need some help here to see off the Shingen lot. So Ieyasu is outnumbered 35 ,000 to 8 ,000. And Ieyasu's a general who's protecting the eastern part of Nobunaga's empire, right? Yeah. uh and he as in our last episode he had been on the side of yoshimoto and then had flipped because he'd seen how how brutal yeah and so despite being outnumbered three to one he marches to meet shing and head on right because it's about to projecting projecting strength yeah he then gets completely annihilated which i guess does not project strength yeah but but that's what this is about it's about it's all in the mind isn't it japanese culture honor it's honor what have you got here Charlie?

15:00These are your medieval Japanese peasant name equivalents apparently. Taro Tanaka. That's you. Oh great. And the ratio is Saburo Matsushita. So yeah yours is first son peasant name in the rice field. Your first son in the rice field and then I'm third son. Up a pine tree. Rustic but lofty like gould. Right. Okay. Nice. So I'm Saburo Matsushita. Konichiwa Taro Tanaka versus history. Ieyasu Ieyasu just goes and gets fucked but he survives he gets fucked up but he survives he's dragged from the battlefield Ieyasu's wife is scheming against Odun Obunaga so he's she writes a letter to whoever the fuck I can't remember the other guys saying hey she's voice noting I'm gonna these guys are snakes I just thought I'd put this in a voice note sorry I'm gonna yeah she says I'm gonna hand you Nobunaga and Ieyasu if you, I don't know what I don't know what Give me safety, lands and a marriage to Okay, there you go, she just wanted to leave Aspen Anyway By the way, divorce is completely fine Oh yeah, you just write three sentences Oh cool, whatever She's ugly Fair enough As you were So what Ieyasu does is he goes, I'm going to switch sides unless you actually send some troops to help me and so Nobunaga goes right he's going to send loads of boys this episode is brought to you by PayPal you know how a mom's bag has everything sunscreen snacks a stapler the new PayPal app is like that but for your money shop, pay, manage your account and earn rewards all in one place and with purchase protection on eligible items biometric security and pass keys you're protected at every step Download the new PayPal app to get started.

16:56See paypal.com slash protection terms. Push your limits, train with precision, see the results. At Equinox, that's high performance loving. Everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at Equinox. Start today at equinox.com. Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout. and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolytes. And then this is it. The Battle of Nagashino. The combined Tokugawa and Nobunaga force. So it's like Ieyasu and Nobunaga. Ieyasu and Nobunaga work together.

17:41This is in military terms. This is an exciting battle. They engineer a kill zone. Okay. They build all these like parapets or ramparts. And they have the arquebus, the guns. Yeah. And they're basically doing volley fire, like the Brits did in Zulu. Yeah. But it takes so long to reload the muskets that there's a massive gap. So what they do is they fill that gap with archers. Archers to cover the reload traps. So there's constantly bullets or arrows going at them. And then they send in pikemen behind to unhorse riders for finishing blows. Yeah. So they basically, they make this kill zone, they massacre.

18:16So the kill zone, so they just funnel people into a choke point. Like in Call of Duty, in any map, there'll always be like a bit where there's most death. It's like a little choke point in the design. Do you think in battles like this, is anyone, because obviously this is agony, like if you got stabbed, it would have really hurt, right? Right, yeah. Is anyone actually in pain in these places? I'll start again. Simplify it, I'll start again. In a war? Are you just on a mad adrenaline or are you just like, ow, fuck. Is anyone in pain? Are they actually in pain or are they just like, this is mad?

18:45In a medieval battle, no, I think they're all fine. I think it's like a sauna. It's like a spa day. Is it just adrenaline or are you like, fuck me, I've just been like, my fingers off. Like, is it hurting? I don't know how to answer that. I just think it would really hurt to be in a battle like this. Yeah, I agree. I agree with you, Charlie. Yeah, I don't think that's a hot take. Well, we haven't addressed it. It's good to have a talking head. You cut to a historian. Just try to go, and bear in mind, this probably would have really hurt. The kill zone, it was painful in there. Did it hurt being in the kill zone?

19:18Yeah, it probably did, actually. But we can't go. I'd love to see Charlie. Charlie just pop up in a history documentary. Dan Snow talking about the kill zone. That's when it really hurt. Just to make it clear, when the swords went through their heads and necks, it probably really, really hurt. But we can't know. We can't know. We can't know what it was like. Anyway. So we're in the 70s. It's the 70s. OPEC crisis. Bowie's in the charts. Yeah. So the battle at Migatakara. Migatakara. At dawn, the Takeda formations advance along the ridge lines and charge. They meet this layered musket and arrow fire and then they hit the barricades and successive waves are stalled.

19:57And Charlie, just so you know, it says shredded in the kill zones. Yeah, I must have heard. They're loving it. It's like a massage chair. Like an airport massage chair. In Japan, an airport massage chair is just killing yourself. So the spearmen counterattack on the flanks and Katsuyori, he refuses to quit and he just sends wave after wave into the kill zone. And morale collapses. The retreat turns to a rout in it. And finally, they force Katsuhi to flee north. They think, at the end of it all, 10 ,000 Takeda are dead. Massive. And they died doing what they loved. And so Katsuhi is psychologically shattered and never really again tries to doubt Nobunaga's...

20:42So basically he's defended Oda's new empire that's burgeoning, the Eastern Front. That's kind of sorted now. But the key is that Ieyasu and Nobunaga, their relationship is as strong as a samurai sword. They're best mates. Because Ieyasu was threatened to go. And then what he does, the fallout from this, is that Nobunaga had spies in Ieyasu's house. And one of the spies finds the letters that his snake wife had written and takes it to Nobunaga. Then Nobunaga says, right, well, you've got... Someone goes and beheads her straight away. Lady Tsukiyama she's called and then Iyasu who is sort of worried about this gets his son and says right you're under house arrest but Nobunaga says no that's not good enough he's going to have to commit seppuku and then he does because listen you don't have a choice if someone says kill yourself you go well okay I went to Japan and I went to one of the houses from this period right and it is really interesting that like obviously the walls are paper thin so you'd think it'd be good for spying but how they get round the spying is they make the floorboards so creaky really so basically there's like there's loads of rings within the house and you keep going like corridors within corridors and then you'd sleep in the centre bit and it's just they've just made every I think there's something quite cute about that is that like if you're into a spy you can't like sneak because you could just it's basically so you can hear enemies.

22:16What if you've got kids and you're like, I don't want to wait the baby? I don't know, I didn't ask. Because also, what's the point of having like a paper door by the toilet? I imagine that they're in a different wing. It'd be nice if you could customise the sound. Like if you could... Of your own shit. Of your farting. Or you have your own unique... Yeah, like if we could... Or like on a sat-nav. Yeah. Like rather than that, it'd be nice if... What would your sound be if you could... What would your sound be? Okie doke. Or... Wait, wait, so every time you go for shit it goes, okie doke yeah in different ways it's hard to control it's like a fart in the sense that you don't know what's coming out so it can be like okie doke but it is always okie doke yeah right okay I think we should get back to the yeah sure we'll chat after chat about your fart your fart invention put a pill in that we need to finish that conversation yeah so anyway the point is that Nopinak makes Ieyasu's son kill himself and this does this does affect the relationship does it somewhat i think but not as much as not as much as it would happen nowadays if i if i if you turn up late for a court and i force you to kill your son yeah or force your son to kill himself it would be maybe i might be a bit pass ag yeah but that's all you'd be allowed to be because if you brought it up that would be very rude and you'd have to kill yourself as well um so in 1579 nobunaga establishes a new headquarters at azuchi castle seven-story castle and this i like this this is a real insight into nobinaga's character every floor is decorated with increasingly powerful animals and gods so like you start with the fucking frog and then you end up like a bear or something but the seventh floor which is where nobinaga's room is yeah just has a mirror beast just so he can look in his mirror so he's the biggest he's the best god that's winner mentality that's hustle grinds that is that is that's rogan's fist exactly and the only people who had mirrors were supposedly gods right because it's such a humble culture yes oh i see so it's very cocky to have a mirror very cocky to have a mirror uh and so this this means people start branding him as demon king of the six heavens nice right we need to get on to ninjas come on come on our incel audience want to know about the original ninjas yeah so ninjas are japanese i thought they were chinese again potato potato right or rice rice whatever that saying is now ninjas now we should place this 1579 this is before the ninja air fryers as I've said before the ninja air fryers come out so at this point ninjas are sneaks they're not air fryers and it is after 1066 it's after so William the Conqueror Battle of Hastings Hastings has happened pre being able to cook a salmon in nine minutes pre air fryer again this is the pre-Rennie age the pre-air fryer age uh 1579 are you using your air fryer a lot i do use my it's amazing i have a ninja grill okay which is uh so i wanted an air fryer my wife said they were ugly and i said well well you're in the house what's your excuse anyway that's not fair anyway what's your excuse it's so funny no she said they were ugly and they would take up space on the counter.

25:33I was like, well, it's a kitchen. That's what the fucking counter is for. I'm a big fighter at the moment about counter space. I'm a big believer in lack of counter space. I like machines. I think that's why you have counters. To completely. To put a machine on it. So Adam Flood. Women like space. Adam Flood, he didn't even have a microwave or a toaster. Yeah. He wanted counter space that badly. Crazy. It's crazy. You have a toaster? Yeah, so he's doing it. You're grilling it in an oven? It's just a frying pan. A frying pan toast. Why do you need that much counter space? I've got barely any counter space because I've got a machine to do every job I think block it up block it up I don't want counter space anyway we're anti-counter space as a podcast yeah anyway she did so we couldn't have one but then Ninja brought out this thing called the Ninja Grill which is like a barbecue calm air fryer I know what you're going to say it's not calm air fryer it's not a calm air fryer you knew what I was going to say I know as soon as I said it that's one of your favourite things yeah Charlie's shaking his head come on get your mind out the gutter sorry is disgusted.

26:29Totally disgusted. Come air fry, that sounds absolutely disgusting. Anyway, so it's got the air fry technology and bear in mind I'm not being sponsored but I would happily sell this to anyone. It's also got a heating element underneath a really, it's like a ceramic hot plate and it's got a little spot to put wood chips in so you can basically get a barbecue effect and a very, very hot, high grill heat and it's also an air fry. Is it, so it's Ninja? Ninja grill. Is it? but it lives outside this is the key no it's great cooking outside is great but this is my point wife wouldn't let me have it on the counter she's it has to be outside it's outside but then we have people around we have boring people around I have to go outside to cook right perfect more excuses why is the door shut shut the door shut the door you're just moving everything outside toilet outside sofa outside sofa outside I eat dinner on my own outside air frying semen is a serious health hazard and a very bad idea thank you charlie yeah we must we must remember our list is a very thick yeah it's a public health public health no the ninja grill is brilliant okay so actual ninjas this is but we're not talking about the ninja grill we're talking about the the age of the ninjas so what where did the term ninja come from how long have ninjas been around i'd like to know that charlie leaning literally just shrugged he literally just went don't know just got no idea hands behind his head yeah so that well the ninjas it's actually so we we think of samurais and ninjas as being distinct ninjas is a vibe right yes it's called the shinogu oh no the shinobi peaked during this period the ninja so where did it originally well i'm about to say all right okay so there's the so nobunaga is the most powerful warlord in from 1579 um but there's this one thorn in his side eager province okay so that this is a small self-governing uh region that's like famed for guerrilla warfare right because he's got all these mountains and this is where the original like the taliban they are the original taliban yeah the ninjas are taliban yeah okay so actually because because both with the samurai and the ninjas they've been so exotic sized in like children's cartoons yes the idea of the ninja right is you've got throwing stars you're all in black yeah yeah you're all in black and then you're amazing at kung fu whereas the samurai is great swordsman right yeah so they're actually just Taliban fucking...

28:51Yeah, that's what ninjas are. Anyway, so the eager bands are constantly raiding Nobunaga's territory. So Nobunaga deems their destruction necessary for security. It's a very similar Hamas' real situation, right? Anyway, he doesn't actually say, he doesn't order an invasion. I mean, they did look like the stereotypical thing of ninjas. They look fucking sick. at what point because it's weird how they got a similar vibe to like burkas isn't it yeah i guess it's sort of like a burka is that because the ninjas are so hot right yeah i don't think the ninjas are hiding their face to stop male temptation it can't hurt yeah definitely not right keeps them focused yeah exactly anyway so uh nobu naga's son nobukatsu curry right yeah He, Nobukatsu, he goes, fuck it, I'm going to invade on your behalf.

29:44Right. He just launches an invasion. So in 1579, he invades the ego through the three mountain passes. Yeah. But one of his senior generals is killed, and the ninjas, with their throwing stars and their little trident forks and their smoke bombs and shit. Yeah. Sneaky. They do a job on him. Right. And it's a humiliating defeat. It's literally, it's the Taliban versus the US. You're getting bogged down in a quagmire. Except it's just a day. Right. But, yeah. It's the Vietnam War in a day. It's the Vietnam War in a day. Right. So he comes home, and obviously Nobunaga fucking hates this. Right. He kicks off big time.

30:17Yeah. So he contemplates executing his son, which is the reasonable thing to do in this day and age. But instead, he says, right, I'm just going to go back in and wipe him off. And so he goes in. In 1581, he unleashes five veteran generals in a five-pronged invasion, and he just burns everything. Right, yeah. Just burns them all. Kills men. Brexit football. Women, children. Sam Allardyce just fucks them Sean Dyches them up and it's basically a genocide right very similar parallels yeah it is actually anyway ninjas after this point become more of a kind of private guard it's more like samurais are protecting the king but are you mixing samurai and ninja no because ninjas is a vibe it's not they're not distinct classes because samurai at one point is 7 % of the population so there's loads of samurai no but that's a class what I'm saying is samurai can also be ninja tactics because so you can be a samurai and a ninja yeah the most Japanese man ever yeah yeah literally a ninja is like a ninja samurai a ninja is like the SAS samurai samurai soldiers ninjas are like special forces so yeah it is a vibe ninja actually means Japanese guerrilla tactics basically it actually means air convention heater um but anyway go on yeah so that's basically it just means it's a tactical thing it's not like it's not your part of your identity it's not like no it's not on your tax return i'm a ninja no you wouldn't introduce yourself as a ninja it's not a very ninja thing to do no yeah so nobunaga uh at this point with the eager pacified he stands at the zenith of his power he's basically about to unify the entirety of Japan.

32:07Yeah, he's just about to bust. His genitals are completely pixelated at this point. Anyway, 1582, Nobunaga orders his trusted general, Toyotomi Hideyoshi, who is the second of the great unifiers, who we should say that he's the dirty peasant who rises through the ranks. And everyone calls him a monkey because he's got like a simian face. But everyone basically racially abuses him, even though he's also Japanese. Which we're a big fan of. Which we're a big fan of. I think racism should not stop at the boundaries of race. Yeah, segmenting racism within people who are the exact same race. I'm a big fan of that.

32:42I'm a phrenologist, famously. So we think of the proliferation of racists. Yes. So we can have more racism. Exactly. Racism within racists. Yeah. It feels much safer. Yeah, yeah. Charlie is a different type of white to me. It's like viewing northerners as a different race, and now you've got more room to be racist. Exactly. Yeah. Charlie's head is bigger. and therefore it's more cavernous. There's less space in it. He's thicker. I'm a phrenologist. There's an echo. There's an echo in Charlie's head. Anyway, Hideyoshi, one of the trusted generals, he's ordered to strike just to the west with the Mori, which is the kind of last great frontier of Nobunaga's reunification of Japan.

33:21Oh, it's the last resistance to... Sort of the last big clan, I have to think. Now, Takamatsu Castle is ringed by Hideyoshi, but a 40 ,000 strong Maury relief column are on their way. Go on. Sorry, is this just like, obviously these are all Japanese names, but is this like Gordon Crescent and fucking Ian Boulevard? Well, yeah, their names, Charlie. But are they like classic? But Ian Boulevard's not classic. Yeah, yeah, Gordon Crescent. Who the fuck's that? You meant like John Smith or like Ian Williams. Yeah, you made up two of the most random names I've ever heard. What was the second one? Ian Boulevard.

33:58Ian Boulevard and Gordon Crescent you know it's like John Doe he's a just he's a regular Ian Boulevard you mean John Smith I mean John John Smith John Major John Major you're asking is Hideyoshi John Major is it just like these all sound like do you know how names work yeah these all sound very far away names but actually yeah that's because you're not Japanese right but that's what I'm saying right if you're asking if you're Japanese with these names would people be like fucking hell those are weird names yeah everyone but these guys is called like John Ian. It's like, what the? Where are all these fucking, it's completely coincidental that everyone's like, Mitsubishi what?

34:38Hideyoshi? Fucking hell, never heard that name before. Yeah, no. Everyone is called John or Ian. Apart from all of the important historical figures. It just happens to be called Akechi Mitsuhidi. Oh, we did Nobanooga what? Nobanooga booga hooga looga what? Mitsubishi, that's the name of my truck. what's his name is it well i mean why isn't ian boulevard in charge i'm telling you i'm not voting for him i'm voting for pretentious fruity names man sick of it yeah it's well it's an elite isn't it it's like uh remainers you know with their berets and their fancy names horatio it's like kids who call them yeah horatio sebastian same thing uh you've got john and sarah who are aspirational and they call their son akechi mitsuhide and everyone's like fucking ponce ponce name was that um anyway let me set the scene right this is important yeah butter me up finn i'm well i'm gonna set me all you up actually um japanese aren't touching butter right at this point they're really not they're not touching it uh they're into the seed oils yeah seed oils and yet they're in a blue zone yeah because it turns out it's about mates not oil yeah it is it's about well it's about eating squash and having mates It's eating fish and squash and having mates.

35:57It's vegan communes. That's the way to live a life. Then you think, is that a life I want to live for 100 years? No, it's a puku. I'd rather eat meat and a puku myself at 40. Anyway. This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms.

36:34Push your limits, train with precision, see the results. At Equinox, that's high performance loving. Everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at Equinox. Start today at equinox.com. Propel fitness water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar and vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. So Hideyoshi, the monkey boy, not my words. Not my words. His mate's words. His mate's words. Hideyoshi, who again, you know, although he's from a low class, he has a very pretentious name.