Anne Boleyn, Sexual Terrorist (with Jamie Hutchinson!) | Henry VIII (Part 2/4)

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1:42Welcome back to Finvers History. We're joined by the modern day Henry VIII. Many have said that. Jamie Hutchinson. Thank you very much. Thanks for coming on. I mean, where were you born? I was born in St. Mary's Hospital. Right. forceps what's that squashed head right because my mum had a tight cunt back there way back when yeah 22 she was 22 she was 22 so big head tight cunt that's a devastating yeah big head tight cunt yeah the name of my I'll swipe up yeah your middle names yeah I was at conception gone wrong I was a very accidental birth right when you say very I was a pull out And I was like the last sperm left.

2:28Oh, wow. Hat under the door. What does that mean? What does a pullout mean? Oh, come on. What? Oh, you mean, I'm sorry, sexually. I thought this was a term about... Yeah, but me mum had flaps like a Venus firetrap. Right, right. Magnetic perm. There's a sort of thing with curtains. Yeah. Well, I'm a bit averse to curtains. Do you think it's a Freudian thing? Yeah, because I think all my would-be brothers and sisters got smeared on a curtain. So it reminds you of the genocide. And it reminds me of the mass genocide. of 99 are you implying that you're one of the slower sperms somehow well i was i was just the last one so i like a fucking disabled race i was the last one left they're all the laziest one we don't know the ones with down syndrome they were they were far ahead i sort of got lost to the egg i got lost to the egg i just found me where you're um so in many ways head of the eighth no i think i well i think jamie if for people who don't know jamie's sort of like the uk podcast seen original Ronaldo.

3:27Yeah. Just out of nowhere. Yeah. Pulling out the most insane gambling story you've ever heard. Yeah. His career will be ruined by injury. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And this is you at peak finish. I love how Brazilians love life. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You don't want to be like the original Ronaldo. Just fucking looking after yourself and that. Yeah. You've got to be fucking living your life. Proper Brazilian way of podcasting. Yeah. A short, brilliant career that ends way earlier than it should because of your love for Big Bundas. But Jamie, you probably live the closest to Henry VIII of anyone I know certainly but I guess after the accident there was a devastating accident in Henry VIII's life that completely changed his headspace I guess you had that out the gate and also but had none of the wealth and power or royal lineage I think that's what's interesting that's what's relatable about Henry VIII is he had all the power and ability but he was just a fucking horny guy if he wasn't that he would just be you yeah Yes, it's true.

4:24That's what I mean. Do we see that as a blessing or a curse? It's hard to say, isn't it? It's a velvet glove. It's a velvet glove. So we left off. Now, Jamie, I don't know how into history you are. You strike me as someone who actually knows a bit more than you let on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a facade for financial gain. Yeah. I'm actually an Oxford student. Yeah. Oh, in 10 years, you will be every Oxford student. The way it's going. In the break, he's actually Malala. he's the dean it's in on the lala so presumably you're aware of Henry VIII yeah you've heard of him six wives fell off arse wanted a kid yeah hated the Pope couldn't stand him hated the Pope yeah I imagine so in our first part we dealt with Henry had been married to a Spanish woman Catherine of Aragon cunts fucked not producing boys yeah that's her fault in this day and age it's not a tragedy.

5:22It's not his fault. It's not his fault. And people don't say that enough in the history. Henry, it's not your fault. If you got told that, you wouldn't have done all this sort of stuff. Well, if there was a kind of mental health movement then, he would be saying, Henry, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. Yeah. Until he cried. Yes. You know. Yeah. It's her fault. It's her fault. So he had taken out his frustration by trying to invade France. That hadn't worked. Which is not an option for men these days. No. It's better help. Which, yeah. it's like an anxiety dog or something yeah yeah and before you could invade france which felt like a healthier way to yeah i drive there's more dignity invading france than sign up to better help yes there is yes there is they surrendered their fucking sponsorship quicker than the french anyway yes we only yeah we only did one yeah i said if you're too much of a pussy to do it join better help and they they said have fun with the script yeah yeah but they're cowards but they don't really believe their idea of fun is very different to yours yeah their idea of fun is not killing yourself right no yeah uh fuck better help invade france yeah uh this podcast is sponsored by invade france.com uh now he'd met amberlin who um as we can see generational cocktease generational yeah the bluest balls anyone's ever had oh mate that french pull seven man tripping for generations she had been to france actually we haven't talked Yeah, and that's part where she'd learned these sort of...

6:43These tricks. These wisely ways. Yes. She'd been smoking rollies. She'd probably come back with a sharp fringe. Yes. She'd lost a sense of humor. But that's very alluring in a woman, isn't it? A woman who you can't make laugh. Yes. What's going on there? What's going on there? Are you too smart with me or are you a bit slow? I can't work it out. One of those ones. I want to find out. Yeah. So by the mid... Who's that, Charlie? That's an AI. Is it? I think so, yeah. What do you think of that, Jamie? She looks, she is a bit of fitting. She's got a bit of a tash, though. Yeah. She's got a man's mouth.

7:18The women in this day and age were probably pretty hairy. Yeah. Yeah. I don't mind a hairy woman, but mainly on the, like the. Did you just make that? I didn't make that, no. No. I wish I did. But his other ones were quite fair-haired, so I think he liked that little bit of. Bit of difference. Well, he was gingery. Yeah, yeah. I mean, again, he was not, you know, he's not a million miles from yourself. oh we go to danger yeah yeah sorry we go to danger yes yeah what is it is it all diet is the reason everyone looks like this just completely because of diet looks like what just kind of everyone looks a bit i guess you didn't have you know moisturizer plus had to stand still for so long for the portrait they didn't really smile like when photography come first come out that's why everyone looked like a visual combat then yeah and now smile for three hours yeah exactly and now photos are so easy that everyone's yeah you could be like yeah in a painting that's true comedian headshot or if you get a bollock out in a group photo it's not as cool if you're like he had to wait there for six hours with his bollock for four hours

8:29um so by the 1520s uh henry's reign is completely consumed by just he's so fucking thirsty for this Anne Boleyn girl. Give the man a drink. Let him have a bit of pussy juice. He's in the desert. Lead a monarch to water. And he's obviously, he's desperate for a son because... Gay. It's interesting. This is a radical historian. A new story, a new take. Cut to a new talking head. Radical new retelling of the story. I think there's a Freudian thing about leaving everything to a son and he had a bit of an obsession with like male prowess and stuff. To the point of, I think he was, he was a bit of an athlete wanting back, way back when.

9:13He was. So now it's interesting, wanting a son is gay. Wow. Yeah. It's great to get these other, really repressed gay, where it comes out as really hyper heterosexuality. When he was wearing these sort of garments, I don't know how repressed that is. Well, this is a very gay time. Yes. Aesthetically. Also, let's be honest, he didn't last long with the women. No. He came up, what's wrong with this one? What's wrong with this one? he couldn't come to what's wrong is not a bloke this is a radical new theory next next I don't know they just don't feel right they're boring they're fucking boring where's all the fucking small court it's like I'm so straight I'll fuck a bloke man yeah well it's sort of the straightest thing you can do in a way to prove you're not gay you have to it's to fuck a bloke yeah and not enjoy it get into a relationship with a man for 60 years that's deep undercover then you're really proven deep Charlie your balls have been on the screen for about 10 minutes.

10:07Can you get rid of them?

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11:37Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro Plans. So he's so horny for Anne Boleyn that he basically, who is, as we said, just not putting out at all. And what's fascinating about history is that this one woman keeping her legs shut is the reason why we are all Anglican and we have a navy and an empire. Isn't that phenomenal? One woman with a bit of dignity. If it's Bonnie Blue back then, which is the opposite, I guess that's... Bonnie Blue Bulls. Yeah, Bonnie Blue Bulls. If Bonnie Blue had been Anne Boleyn, Northern Ireland would be fine. Yeah. Isn't that mad?

12:20So would paedophilia. Yeah, we'd have different problems. Yes, it would. Yeah, paedophilia would get the R clear. Yeah, that's all sorted. he yes he fears instability of the War of the Roses don't know how across the War of the Roses are that's girl stuff yeah yeah Lancashire Yorkshire all that nonsense yeah so carries on in cricket I think yeah is there much like play of that in the north these days well not where I'm from I mean it might be like rural Lancashire yeah but Manchester don't view themselves as Lancastrians is that not no I think I mean our famous motto is like we do things differently don't we so it's a bit tedious like we don't want to associate with anyone so Is that the whole motto?

12:59Yeah, yeah. We do things different. Not really. But I'm saying it's better. It's different. But you're very mank. Yeah, yeah. Like that's a different breed, I'd say, to Lancastrian. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah. Jamie Hutchinson, comment Lancastrian, doesn't really sell you off. You're a mank. You're a mank. Yeah, yeah. A bit different. I think we are sort of one of the reasons with Liverpool rather than... Scousers versus Manks. Very distinctive, very different. Yes. Scousers and Manks, to be fair. To be right next to each other. Yeah, like sort of cousins. Yeah. might peck at a wedding. I like Manx a lot more depressed than Scousers.

13:32Yes. I appreciate that. It makes them less annoying, I think. Yes. Yeah. Manx don't have the superiority complex. No. Yeah. Because from where we're sitting, ultimately it's all just wasted cum on some big, big flappy piss flaps. Yeah. I accepted that. Yeah. Yeah. I don't buy into the courts. I don't look. We're wasted cum. Yeah. It's just, as soon as you get to terms of that, you accept you're wasted cum. Yeah. You can live a happy life. You can still live your life at the place you come. Well, if only... You don't all have to achieve your goals. If only Henry VIII had this attitude. Yeah. Because famously he didn't.

14:06Yeah. No. So he gets into reading the Bible, Leviticus. Now, there's this political deadlock where he gets his Cardinal Wolsey to try and get the Pope to annul... Sounds like a euphemism. Sorry. He gets his mate, Cardinal Wolsey, to try and annul the marriage in England, but he asked the Pope but then the Pope gets is being held hostage by Charles V who is Catherine of Aragon's uncle most powerful man in the world nephew nephew right get a photo of Charles V up Charlie oh is this the big is this this is our friend who probably looks the most clapped of any yeah look at that look at that go down yeah that one there oh he looks yeah look at that That's a good, like, Davil Gurney.

14:57Darts player, Davil Gurney. Is that a darts reference? Yeah, Davil Gurney. Yeah, wow. There you go. Wow. So this is the most powerful man in the world. Super gin. Direct descended from Charles V. So he's basically, he's Catherine's nephew, and then he is holding the Pope hostage, which means that the Pope can't, obviously Charles V doesn't want the divorce to happen. so and then Catherine Catherine like storms into a court and goes on his knees gets on her knees and is like Henry what now love it's over well no that's what Henry's basically saying that's not gonna get me a boy bit late for that come on where was this 10 years ago no she gets on her knees and like pleads with him and weeps and is like was I not a good husband and basically storms out and he had a whole court set up to basically be like you know a jury of your peers have decided your family's broken.

15:53Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're done. And then she basically, she's an uppity woman. Yes. It's a series of uppity women. But one of the appeals of Henry is he does use the privilege of being, he uses every privilege of being king. Yes. There is a level of respect you have to give. He's not cunning or weaselly. It's all out there. No. It's the same respect you give to Clarkson, right? Clarkson's not plotting. No. He's plowing. Clarkson does not think. He acts. He does not wipe. He shits. All right? He's all lizard brain. I don't think he's ever farted. I think he's only ever shat. Every fart. He follows through.

16:29No, no, no. He wouldn't acknowledge it as a fart. Yeah, yeah. Clarkson just walking shitting like a horse. Like a horse. It's a horse just plowing the fields, right? That's why he's at the pasture now. But yeah, Henry VIII is just a lizard brain in a cloak, right? It's just, can I fuck it or eat it? I'm not interested then. so now Wolsey's a very interesting character actually because Wolsey's a proper snob he was the guy who used to walk when he walked through like a sort of poor area he'd have an orange with cloves in it soaked in vinegar so he didn't smell poor people's breath yeah but he was a poor person himself so I guess it's trying to an insecurity of that the new money yeah yeah he is new money yeah totally he's a David Lloyd please yeah my auntie did that because she married a man who had his own barbecue so she thought she was like hi mate because we were all tramps and that and when they had a barbecue and they invited friends around she told me mum not to speak in her accent around her new friends because she had friends from Derbyshire God it is a different world that's why Mickey Carroll you respect more because when he won the lottery he just like quad bikes in the garden I know Michael Carroll Mickey Carroll mate he's the guy who lost it all again right he went back to his job being a fucking pushing trolleys in Sainsbury's car park yeah with a fleece that he wrapped here's how I spent my tour money I'm just like I'm fucking going all out I'm not going to try and be that is proper that is how you spend your money when you knew money you don't start yeah don't try and think you're better than other people you can't call Mickey Carroll pretentious that's him now back to his job the bins yeah he really accepted it he went yeah I'm what I live like a fucking king for a year was it just a year 15 million in a year 15 million in a year yeah yeah but his tax bill will be or is it tax free I think the lottery is good yeah it's a tax on the poor of course purchase I could really start a lottery how's your gambling at the minute up and down yeah because he's doing tour at the moment yeah so the money hasn't come in for the tour yeah well I get paid as a go yeah You can't be trusted with big chunks.

18:49I could die any more. Yeah. I don't want to wrench myself when there's horses to be backed. Yeah. So if you got a guarantee, you wouldn't make the tour. Oh, no, no, no, no. If you got paid in advance, we're all done. I get paid as I go. It's like, that one's done. Invoice. It's carrot, isn't it? You've got to be led to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They leave a trail of coins. I'm not doing all that fucking work to get paid at the end. What's the cash go? What's the big, where's most of your money going? If there's an accountant looking through your records, what would he be saying? Personal expenses.

19:21If Cardinal Walls is going through your expenses, what's he seeing? What's he highlighting? A lot of transactions to Gibraltar-based businesses.

19:35Yeah, yeah. Do you have an accountant? I bought an accountant, actually. Here we go. I bought an arse. I was in my money away. In the Ferguson sense. yeah right okay yeah yeah yeah bought a horse um and it's not been named yet and it's explain to me what would you mean so it's how how in what sense you bought a horse it's not in your garden no i bought 10 of a horse on 10 it's already gone down yeah 10 of a horse right he's bought his arse with nine other owners she's a gorgeous filly um out of Jack Hobbs. You get a photo? Do you get to ride it or is it? Jack Hobbs the side. No, I get to like feed it carrots.

20:17Oh, nice. It sounds like you work at a stable. It's more than you do. Is this like adopting a well in a third world country? Is that what it is? And what can returns can one get from the investment of 10 % of a horse? I own 10 % of it. Noel Feeley Racing Syndicate, I think it's called, or Racing Club. Right. so yeah basically you have a two year contract right so it's like six grand up front and 350 a month right but in two years it gets valued again so it's like bitcoin so you can sell your 10 % you can sell your 10 % do horses increase their value oh yeah yeah if she's good yeah what happens if she just dies is that just yeah I didn't get insurance because I back her

21:02wow okay so yeah do you the worst case scenario you just get you wake up one morning there's a load of glue on your doorstep I get 10 % of the glue contract so is she racing yet? no she'll be racing in November time I think she's out for summer she's having a summer break and she'll be back you're going to bet on oh yeah I'm going to back your own horse unless the jockey says it's shite then I'll do some jiggery some jiggery poker Machiavellian sort of had Jimmy Betts. Or inside the horse trading. Well, hopefully, yeah. Yeah. See, I put some money into whiskey. Like, I own a barrel of whiskey.

21:45Right. Yeah. Because it will age and then you just sell it on. Yeah. Right. Yeah. It's not a money pit. No, but seeing a harsh one, it's more tangible, isn't it, than seeing a whiskey mature. Yes, but I guess that's a different attention span, isn't it? Different attitudes to money, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need the dopamine hit. It is so Protestant that entertainment for him is watching his whiskey mature in the barrel. Yeah. You'll just watch that. Watch it. And just seeing the money add up in my head. That's absolutely brilliant, Matt. Absolutely brilliant. So in 1531, Catherine of Aragon refuses to accept the annulment.

22:22Sorry, love. Not sure this is up to you, love. Stubborn bitch. Now, this backs Henry into a corner. He's backed into a corner. He has to act. Yeah. and so because Cardinal Wolsey had tried to deal with this reasonably domestically didn't want to get the Pope involved yes but he fails he's trying to do a soft Brexit basically a shitbag he is a shitbag yeah so you don't like Wolsey too much thinking you don't like Wolsey I think he's a shit I was too much thinking too much thinking too much trying to be Littlefinger from Game of Thrones yeah but he's not got the sauce for it yeah what's the kids say so Wolsey his downfall occurs in 1529 he is charged with treason I think or what's it called?

23:09Premenure which means placing the Pope above the King so he is executed in 1529 no he's not he dies on the way he dies on the way to trial yeah he dies on the way he probably would have got executed fucking thingy what's his face? Oswald perhaps before trial Oswald Mosley? no Oh, Lee Harvey Oswald. Lee Harvey, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Before he finished, Savile died before trial. Well, he died before everything. He wasn't, he wasn't. He died. He was never charged. What was Savile's funeral like? Did he have a national funeral? Yes, it was a state funeral. Quite right. He was lying in state. He was for years.

23:52Did we dig him up? We should. He got exhumed and where's he? He got spread, I think, like Sheikha Vara. Yeah, because he needs to. You should have been larded him into the water. No, no. No, he needs to be all over the country. Every country needs a part of him. He was never charged with anything. I think every county had a bowl. What, innocent till proven guilty? Yes, and he died. Don't speak ill of the dead. For God's sake. He was never proved. Okay? Yeah. Anyway. We haven't heard his side of the story. We don't know his side of the story. They might have been. We don't know what they were wearing either.

24:30So, Wolsey dies of dysentery. we think. So he shits himself on the way to trial. Fair enough. It's a very English way to go out. Yeah. Clarkson's going to go out like that. 100%. Yeah. I mean, it's devastating. It's scary to think what he'll look like as an 80-year-old man in that he's currently in his, I think his late 50s. Yeah. And he looks like a cliff face. Oh, he's older than that. 64, Clarkson. Do you think? Yeah. And he's maybe early 60s. So I think he's about the same age as Simon Cowell. Who looks better? I think Clarkson looks better than Simon Cowell. Yes, I'm picking Clarkson. It's two ends of the spectrum.

25:02I'm Keen. Simon Carles looks more like Finger, that Falklands radiator guy. Simon Weston. Yeah. His final words, Wallsley, had I but served God as diligently as I have done the king, he would not have given me over in my grey hairs. So as he makes way, Thomas Cromwell, friend of the show, comes into the picture. I have a soft spot for Cromwell. I like Cromwell. Now this is Oliver Cromwell's great, great, great uncle. Yeah. Thomas Cromwell is from a blacksmith background. And he worked for Wolsey and they were close friends. He was a retired man. Yeah. They both have similar upbringings. He's like the man in black.

25:43He's like a sort of FBI. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got data on everyone. He's got spies everywhere. Well, he was a man of the people back in the day, wasn't he? So he's got word of the street where Wolsey was more, you know, having his orange full of garlic and that. He was actually a street urchin. Yeah, Wolsey was a hedonist. Yes, he was. He had the air of the people, I think. And so he... But there's also a different... Sorry, Wolsey was a big Catholic who supported the Pope and lived like one. And Cromwell was kind of the architect of the Reformation who was Protestant. He'd spoken to a lot of people who'd come from Swiss, Calvin, that lot.

26:18Cromwell didn't really give a fuck. He just wanted to use the law to make the king. He just wanted to be close to the king. He was like a revolutionary, actually. yeah he's um he's like blair and bush he's like i'll just make it work i gotta be i gotta stay close to george right yeah cromwell's like whatever the king wants i'll make it happen yeah so um uh he basically starts the reformation parliament in 1529 uh which is i didn't realize because obviously you learn all this stuff at school i didn't realize that this this whole fucking thing goes on for like six years yeah it's six years of henry being like please just Fucking touch it.

26:53Fucking. And Anne's like, yeah. Yeah. Touch it. So the Reformation Parliament, I mean, is this like the most powerful parliament has been at this point? Well, we're getting to that point because the whole break from Rome is bringing you back to the sanctity of parliament being the. Yeah. It's the birth of Brexit. Yeah. Red Tate. Let's decide it in Westminster, not Brussels. Exactly. Not in Rome. Not in the end of the birth of that. Yeah. Oh, I'm listening. Yeah. EUSSR. So there are several acts that the Reformation Parliament passes. One of the funniest is the 1533 Buggery Act. Yes. Which is...

27:33What is the... Let's get the actual law. Yeah. Cromwell decrees... This is one of the first British Parliament's sovereign decisions is to outlaw buggery, which is an unnatural sexual act against the will of God and man, anal sex and bestiality. this had been this had been handled by the Catholic Church the beastial guys are like enjoying themselves this is just about gay people and the outlaw it's like well fucking hell Christ I know they're fucking sinning but can a man not shag his own pig female pig and then the first person executed under the Buggery Act Walter Hungerford say his name say his name for raping his daughter I didn't know that actually the Tudor Fritzl in 1533 now the first person charged for violating the act alone was the headmaster of Eton in 1541 which is not that different I see this character on that tradition and he was just given a year in prison and then becomes headmaster of Westminster so he gets almost a promotion yes he does get a promotion delayed promotion and this is not repealed the buggery act until 2004 really in Blair's fire sale of liberal liberal policies the buggery act is repealed yeah what do you mean so what is the so it means you can't you can fuck pigs now yeah Blair said fuck your pigs Blair has let us fuck pigs yeah what does it actually mean we know that John Major legalised sodomy yes that was in the 90s but I don't know what the difference between sodomy and buggery buggery is is anal sex yeah I thought sodomy was put in a remote up him or something I think anything like an object I imagine that buggery that bestiality became its own law I don't think they illegalised bestiality it wasn't fully abolished did he hide that amongst all the short start and everything I'd miss that if bestiality is it removed the distinction between genders and simplified sexual offences what's the difference between buggery and sodomy yeah let's get that up that's good buggery is a specific narrower legal term primarily used in English alien discourse and bestiality right sodomy is a broader term it's like a blanket term which you conclude or also yeah going down a woman is sodomy yeah right especially at certain times of the moment that's yes biblical biblical sodomy yeah whereas buggery is anal and bestiality great word buggery as well so sodomy is in the bible buggery is like a middle English it's a very British it's a British thing yeah to get buggered yeah to get buggered aboard in school getting buggered on the cricket green yeah that is it's British this is more our world as British as it can be yeah yeah scones tea getting fucked up the arse by a cricket on fire we're saying it's in the scoring shed yes in the scoring shed I swear we're not batting and the score's going up I'm being hit for six in the pavilion

30:37so then the act of supremacy is the big one 1534 that's the final break with Rome fuck the Pope we should place this shouldn't we we should place Jamie I don't know if you've listened to the pod before we like to place years so just name us something that happened before 1534 and something that happened afterwards could be anything Battle of Hastings yeah that's before after Jeff K assassination terrific yeah a lovely thousand year sweep bang in the middle between the Battle of Hastings and the Jeff K assassination similar length difference yeah well very nice it's about far from each other I don't know which which one is that closer to I don't 1966 and then 1963 for it.

31:14So it's slightly closer to JFK, the Battle of Hastings. It really does place. It really does. Our listeners are very, very thick. They will. Stupid and ugly. Right there. Lovely. Although we say that a lot, but I imagine your podcast, I imagine your listeners are pretty depraved. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'd imagine so, yeah. Yeah, collective IQ of audiences. We were saying that you've got your own things, but maybe Sandro's, you look down on Sandro's audience a little bit. Well, I don't look down. I think mine might be more discerning because but what does that I don't know what that means more discerning what would what are discerning they're classier technically I feel like I appreciate more craft maybe right but they appreciate the higher things in life yeah we've got a lot of crossover but yeah I haven't kicked in South Wales that's like that's a that's a tasty place sure yeah that's a tasty old place there yeah I guess it's you know it's the anecdotes the crafted anecdote of the piss head versus the just filming yourself being a piss head.