In short
Part 2 of Finn vs. History’s romp through Caligula’s reign, focusing on his recovery from illness, escalating paranoia and cruelty, sexual predation and forced marriages, rule by fear, and infamous stories (including the sea-whipping episode and his horse Incitatus).
Guest backgrounds
Horatio Ghouls (co-host/guest historian-comedian). The host is “Finn vs. History” (unnamed in transcript), presenting as a modern-day Suetonius-style storyteller.
Key claims
Caligula survives a deathbed episode, then launches a revenge spree; he forces Gamalus to kill himself; adopts “let them hate me so long as they fear me”; makes laughing a capital crime after Drusilla’s death; steals wives at dinner parties; humiliates and threatens elites and the Senate; and rules through terror (including threats of torture and slow killing).
Notable examples
Gamalus’s coerced suicide; a nobleman’s gladiator stunt; Drusilla deified as “Diva Drusilla”; Caligula whipping the sea; Incitatus the pampered horse; assassination plot involving Cassius Kyria; aqueduct-building and Palatine Hill expansion.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOCaligula's Recovery and Revenge
0:03 to 0:29
Discussion of Caligula's miraculous recovery and subsequent actions.
Caligula's Recovery and Revenge
1:45 to 2:39
Discussion of Caligula's miraculous recovery and subsequent actions.
“Caligula is a young man who has been emperor of Rome for ten months where he had a stroke and woke up with a Chinese accent and he was a paedophile.”
Power Plays in the Court
2:39 to 4:23
The political maneuvering in Caligula's court during his illness.
“Caligula did not kill, it hasn't killed him yet.”
Public Executions and Mourning
4:23 to 6:15
Caligula's imposition of strict mourning laws following his sister's death.
“Standing behind me, going, it's all in the hip.”
Caligula's Control Over Family
6:15 to 7:22
Exploration of Caligula's actions regarding his family and relationships.
“Some of his other stuff I think is a bit unfair.”
Historical Context of Caligula's Reign
7:22 to 9:10
Discussion on the timeline and context of Caligula's rule and era.
“to the libel trial where a judge is like, what do you think that just putting the letter B in front of everything gives you a legal cop-out?”
Cultural References and Modern Comparisons
9:10 to 14:03
Hosts draw parallels between ancient and modern culture.
“That's a speech that's a speech that's legalese isn't it?”
Caligula's Relationships and Humor
14:03 to 14:57
Explore Caligula's take on relationships, humor, and societal norms.
“You've got to have like a strong, you've got to have zero tolerance on that shit.”
DIY Skills and Parenting Woes
14:58 to 17:09
A humorous discussion on DIY mishaps and parental challenges.
“How much of an advantage would having Heelys be if you're a gladiator?”
Weaponized Incompetence
17:10 to 19:32
Delve into the concept of weaponized incompetence in domestic settings.
“Because I'm bad at DIY but I was like, I can fucking do this.”
Show all 27 chapters
Weaponized Incompetence
19:35 to 20:01
Delve into the concept of weaponized incompetence in domestic settings.
“The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money.”
Caligula's Marriage and Scandals
20:47 to 24:48
Examine Caligula's infamous actions regarding marriage and relationships.
“From, I think he does it at her wedding.”
Caligula's Relationship with the Senate
24:49 to 26:56
Discuss how Caligula's actions impacted his relationship with the Senate.
“this relationship with the Senate, is this going to be worth it?”
Caligula's Public Image and Power
26:57 to 28:00
Analyze how Caligula's behavior affected his public image and power dynamics.
“I always didn't take him seriously because he was called Augustus and I just think of Augustus Glute.”
Humorous Observations on Caligula
28:00 to 28:36
The hosts discuss absurd and humorous aspects of Caligula's rule and behaviors.
“So it's only the bottom slice is incest.”
Caligula's Punishments and Spectacles
28:36 to 29:50
Exploration of the bizarre punishments Caligula inflicted on his officials, likening them to comedic scenarios.
Caligula's Nihilism and Odd Behavior
29:50 to 31:00
Discussion on Caligula’s nihilistic views and strange behavior, including threats to his wife.
“If you had the opportunities, you'd be cheating on your wife.”
The Famous Horse: Incitatus
31:00 to 32:20
Delving into the story of Caligula's beloved horse, Incitatus, and the mythos surrounding it.
“He never kissed the neck of his wife or mistress without saying, quote, and this beautiful throat will be cut whenever I please.”
Mockery and Military Stunts
32:20 to 33:54
Discussion of Caligula's mock military campaigns and the absurdity of his leadership style.
“And his horse is called Incatatus, which translates as speedy.”
Caligula's War Against the Sea
33:54 to 35:06
An exploration of Caligula's bizarre order to whip the sea and its implications.
“He goes to Germania at this point, as of course it's barbarian Germany, it's feral, it's pre-Nazi, it's not...”
The Curse of the Conch
35:06 to 37:06
A humorous personal story involving a conch shell, food poisoning, and holiday mishaps.
Caligula's Humiliating Command
39:56 to 42:00
Discussion about Caligula giving his guards humiliating passwords, exploring the implications of power and mockery.
“Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized.”
The God of Pub Snacks
42:00 to 43:51
Discussion about personal preferences for snacks and a specific local nut snack.
“Given the choice, what would you all three...”
Caligula's Policies and Assassination Plots
43:51 to 45:50
Exploration of Caligula's actions, policies, and the brewing conspiracies against him.
“password what's the password today boss permanent boner you're the boner god and he'd be like oh God, this is so fucking embarrassing.”
Queerbaiting Definitions and Discussion
45:50 to 47:29
Defining queerbaiting and discussing its implications in modern media.
Caligula's Downfall and Legacy
47:29 to 54:54
Details of Caligula's assassination and how his reputation was perceived posthumously.
“But that's like straight baiting, isn't it?”
Caligula and Upcoming Patreon Content
56:00 to 56:54
Discussion about Caligula's bizarre character and teasing future Patreon episodes.
“Caligula was a Chinese pedophile lasagna who was eaten.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen Snacks A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that but for your money Shop, pay, manage your account and earn rewards all in one place And with purchase protection on eligible items biometric security and pass keys you're protected at every step Download the new PayPal app to get started See paypal.com slash protection terms Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweetgreen's Fall Harvest Menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels, and crave-worthy flavors in the Autumn Harvest Bowl, Maple Glazed Salmon Plate, and Roasted Bacon Brussels Side.
0:50The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweetgreen, featuring fall's best dressed. Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app. Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes.
1:26Welcome back to Finn vs. History. I'm joined by Horatio Ghouls. Hello. And this is part two in our romp through the life of Caligula. The Chinese paedophile. The Chinese paedophile Roman emperor. If this is the first episode you've ever listened to, pause. Go back to episode one. This one needs quite a lot of context. Caligula is a young man who has been emperor of Rome for ten months where he had a stroke and woke up with a Chinese accent and he was a paedophile. We think. Maybe. we don't know we don't know we made up to be fair we're adding about as much of this as Suetonius is we're modern day Suetoniuses we are to be honest we're Graham Hancocking it exactly fuck it I reckon in a Chinese voice I mean yeah we cannot slag off Suetonius because he was just famous history for the Roman era exactly it's just salacious unfounded bollocks we're having fun with it he's having fun with it it's history fan TV it is when was Suetonius how long after Caligula's reign was Suetonius written 28 years oh yeah so yeah bollocks who knows yeah who fucking knows load of bollocks so we left off in the last episode caligula was on his deathbed gravely ill and people thought he was gonna die yeah uh and he comes back crazier than ever so they they line up a successor now i have to apologize and and say that i may have jumped the gun on some of the narrative right i may have got something wrong here impossible so i don't believe it well gamelus who tiberius had appointed joint successor with Caligula.
2:56Yeah. Caligula did not kill, it hasn't killed him yet. But you've already told people. Yeah, yeah, that he died earlier. But he hasn't. He hasn't, he's still alive. And so they line up Gamalus, his cousin. His cousin? Has that ever happened on a history podcast? You know that in the first half of it, I said he wasn't dead. You know how I said he had a Chinese accent? I probably didn't. Caligula suddenly recovers. He makes a miraculous recovery.
3:27but maybe he sounds like that we don't know we can't know we can't know um and he goes on a revenge spree so he starts with gamelus fair enough and he accuses gamelus of taking preemptive medicine against a poison which is kind of amazing yeah so gamelus thinks that caligula's poisoned him and he's saying i'm accusing you of thinking i'm trying to poison you and protecting yourself therefore I'm going to poison you no he then says right so you have to kill yourself it's quite Japanese it is very Japanese Gamalas is so young that he doesn't know how to hold a sword or use it so soldiers have to help him kill himself so it's like when you're teaching someone a golf swing you get behind them it's all in the hips it's all in your hips like a horny golf teacher it's all in your hips he's just doing that it's all in your hips have you got a fantasy of having an affair with a golf teacher No, I got a fantasy of a big, strong Roman guard teaching me how to kill myself.
4:23Right, okay. Standing behind me, going, it's all in the hip. But do they, how seppuku-y is it? They don't seppuku themselves, do they? They emo it in the bath, right? They slit their wrists and they... I think they are emoing it in the bath. They slit their wrists and maybe they slit their throat. How Nero does, Nero meets his end in some way. Yeah, and then they say, we forgive you. And he's like, well, I've done it now. I've done it now, I'm fucking dead. Bit late. Yeah. they go they run a hot bath and then they let all the they stick my chemical romance on yeah they do welcome to the black parade and they just they bleed out yeah they paint their nails they do their eye love snakes on the wall you're all snakes but they go on TikTok live and say yeah that's what Gamalas does so but there are there are all these stories of like the court of the emperor that basically they were trying to jockey for position while Caligula's on his deathbed.
5:18So he's lying there speaking in a Chinese accent. Like an Arsenal corner. They're all sort of jockeying. Yeah, jockeying position. The love train is working its way through. Harry Maguire's there. When do you need me? Come on, slabhead. Right? So one of them says, because they're trying to show how devoted they are to the dying emperor because they think he's going to die so then there's going to be a power play. He says, well, I will go and act. If he lives, I'll go and get in the Coliseum and I'll be a gladiator. You will say shit. this guy can't fight for shit right another one says that uh oh let me die so the emperor can live yeah caligula wakes up and he goes i heard that let's do it right to be fair he does a lot of pretty non-cricket things yeah but that's kind of awesome because people i'd really do back that go on then people throw that shit around but it's chicken isn't it obviously yeah if i wish it was me well maybe it is you go yourself do it oh oh fuck off no do it do it you said it so do it To be fair, that's good stuff.
6:14Yeah, I like that. Some of his other stuff I think is a bit unfair. It's pros and cons. It's good and bad. But that is beast. That's great. That's absolutely great. So what he does, the guy who is a nobleman, maybe is he an actor or something? Anyway, he gets into the Coliseum and he goes up against a trained, a trained, within seconds, he's just fucking stabbed to shit. Yeah, it's a theatre actor versus a soldier, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I'd love to see that. To be fair, I would love to see that. What, like a film, Hard Man? who pretends to be a soldier who gets a real one. Ross Kemp against Ray Winston.
6:48Yeah. And Ross Kemp just fucks him up. Yeah, that'd be good. I guess. Yeah. Is it the rumour that Ross Kemp... Yeah. Are we allowed to say it? Probably not. Well, we can rhyme it. We can boss Bemp and Lord... Borden Bamsey. Bum each other. Begley. Not begley. I don't know if rhyming is illegal. Boss Bemp and Borden Bamsey are bumming. Boss Bemp and Borden Bamsey have been bought. bumming by a producer. Belegedly. Belegedly. Belegedly. I don't... This is belegedly. It's not rhyming. It's just saying B. Boss Bent was bummed by Borden Banzi. Why is it B? Because bummed is the worst bit. Why? Cummed.
7:29It could be a belly on. It could be anyone. B. B. I don't think... Boss Bent bums Borden Banzi. Can we just fast forward? Perbedually. Perbedually. Perbedually. Can we just fast forward? to the libel trial where a judge is like, what do you think that just putting the letter B in front of everything gives you a legal cop-out? Pess? Bobona? Bobona? Bospish fuzz? Bobbidibin, Bobbidibin, Bobbidibin, Bobbidibin, Bobbidibin, Bobbidibin, Bobbidibin, Bobbidibin. How do you plead? Bobbid, Bobbid, Bobbid. What's she saying? How do you plead? Bobbid, Bobbid, Bobbid, Bobbid, Bobbid, Bobbid, Bobbid,
8:17I don't think legally that stands up if you just put the letter B in front of everything. Allegedly. Well, we're not saying anyone's bane.
8:27I've already said... Or, beer, bane, beers, boss, bane, bums, bane, bamsie. Or, b-b-bam, b-bam, b-bam, b-bam. B-bone, b-bone. B-bone, b-bone, b-bone. B-bone, b-bone. Right. B-bone, b-bone. this stops now you know as someone who listens to this rather than watches it the last minute will have been so painful anyway Bory Boss Ben right Bory Bord and Bamsey right where the fuck where what are we talking about we're not talking no so oh right so he recovers from his deathbed and then he adopts this explicit sort of rule by fear and this is famous quote this is Caligula's famous quote see we've gone from Corrigera to Bop Bop Bop Bop Bambi baby Bop Bambi Bop Bambi Bambi Bambi Bambi Bambi Bambi Bambi Bambi A lot of fucking accents here What is that?
9:29That's not an accent Is that an accent? That's a speech that's a speech that's legalese isn't it? Spy talk Yeah No people train for years to get a law conversion course just Bob Bonner that's what a long conversion called turns out if you put B in from everything it's a fair game you can say anything you can say absolutely anything that's how the mob got away that's how Al Capone got away with it for so long yeah
9:52I just got what he said very good yeah what did he say B, B, B, B B, B, B
10:01B, B, B B, B, B B, B B, B, B B, B, B B, B, B B, B B, B B, B Big billion? Buh. Big billion? Big billion? Big billion? Buh. That's a big bum, Buh. Buh-bing. Buh-bing. Buh-bing. Buh-bing. Buh-bing. Buh-bing. Anyway. Gullicula adopts an explicit posture of rule by fear. He says this famous quote, maybe in his Chinese accent, Let them hate me so long as they fear me. Christ. Let them hate me so long as they fear me. so does he say this as he gets out of his deathbed is it like a kind that seems quite cinematic yeah but he's a different guy now he is they've pressed his evil buttons yeah he's had this pedophile and his transatlantic buttons pressed and he's gone crazy so soon after this so bear in mind he's mad he's had his buttons pressed he's mental is that what he means by saying don't push my buttons don't push my pedo brain button don't fret again my fucking oi don't fret again my frontal cortex you're pushing my buttons you're making me speak you're making me speak you know where have I soon after he recovers his favourite sister who he's been knobbing for years yeah Drusilla yeah dies age 21 you can't stand this he's upset about this and he goes you pushed his sister his incest button yeah well that was what you pushed his incest button was stuck down like when on the keyboard his incest button was stuck it's been best yeah perpetually we both get their baby bisp and Caligula Caligula he names his daughter after her that's how much he loves her he makes her a god so he deifies her under the name Diva Drusilla Banthea Go Diva!
11:47He's new money he's new money he's new money it's like calling your kid Diva my sister is the biggest fucking Diva in the world Diva Drusilla calling your kid Mercedes it's trash yeah this is a footballer's daughter's name Diva Drusilla Banthea Rooney Diva Drusilla Banthea yeah crazy um And so he then goes crazy and he imposes this period of mourning. Now, you think it was bad when the Queen died and the radio was unlistenable. In this period, it becomes a capital crime to laugh. Wait, so you die. Yeah. You're put to death, then you just birth. Sorry.
12:25There's just so many things working against this as a podcast. Disrespect. He was lounging about. The way you did it was just so... It wasn't like it came out... It was just like... The thing is, I don't even know if that was in the mic. So for listeners, they weren't... No, it was. It barely was. If you get a burp, can you do it into the mic? Who else is saying that to their podcast producer? If you have to burp, can you do it into the mic so at least the listeners know you burped? Yeah, so we don't look mental. So we don't look mad. So in this period, his sister, who's been railing for years, dies.
13:05it becomes a capital crime. It's a laugh. You're put to death if you laugh. Yeah, but his sister dies. If you bathe, you wash. What was he meant? He was backed into a corner. So everyone is miserable, stinky, and they're not allowed to dine with your own immediate family members because that rubs it in. Yeah, but Caligula, he was backed into a corner. He was. What else could he do? Yeah, there's pedo button pushed down. Yeah, there's Chinese accent button pushed down. The sister who rails has died. Of course, no one should be allowed to dine with their immediate family or bathe. After Drusilla's husband Lepidus becomes widowed, he becomes a lover to both her sisters.
13:44So Caligula has at least three sisters. I think he's one of nine. So Caligula discovers this. He discovers that his brother-in-law was railing his two other sisters. And then he executes his brother-in-law and exiles his sisters. You've got to have like a strong, you've got to have zero tolerance on that shit. Only I can have sex with my sisters. Yeah. If anyone's fucking my sisters, it's going to be me. His second wife, Livia Orestia. I'm putting a bit of Latin stink on that name. That's probably not ours. Stinky. Livia Orestia. Yeah. During her wedding in 37 to a consul named Piso. It's weird just the years, this century's the weirdest for years.
14:2537. When it's like five. Yeah, it feels like you're abbreviating everything. Back in 37. Yeah, in the 30s. Can we, we should place this actually. so his reign is 37 to 41. Right. Do you want to place this one? Right. So this is after the invention of sandals before the invention of Uggs. There you go. There you go. Lovely. Quick. Quick single. Get rid of it. Get rid of it. You didn't want it. Sandals are the oldest known shoe dating back to 11 ,000 years so big, big cushion. Big cushion now. And Ugg boots. I used to try and place it but now it's just. Ugg the brand is founded in 78. So 1978. Not 78 AD.
15:02Not 78 AD. if they saw an UGG it wouldn't blow their mind as much as other things yeah because it's a very comfy shoe they'd be like that's a great idea putting sheep's wool in your shoe it wouldn't melt a Roman citizen's brain seeing an UGG it's not like a I don't know like a Nike Air Max if they saw a thigh high boot they'd be like what yeah exactly if they saw moon shoes or a Healy if they saw a Healy they'd be like what the fuck is that you've got chariots on your feet. What on earth is going on? Feet chariots. Feet chariots, yeah. How much of an advantage would having Heelys be if you're a gladiator?
15:38If you're a kind of gladiator with Heelys? Well, I imagine because of the surface, it's not great for Heelys. Because Heelys are built for shopping centres, not really for coliseums. Yeah. You'd get a lot of grit and sand. But if the surface was all waxed, sort of, what's the floor in a shopping centre made on? Lino. Lino. If it was lino, that'd be great, but that's not been invented either. Why did you just turn to me as if I just knew that? Because you know that shit. Of course you know that shit. Boy, dad. That's probably Lino. That's probably Lino. You always know that shit. I've done a house renovation.
16:09I know. Yesterday, I... You know which pan to use? Yesterday, my kids have been stuffing toys down the plug hole in the bath. No, you've been for me, broke stuff on my arse. Kids have been shopping toys down the plug hole again. I can't come into work because the kids have been stuffing stuff down the plug hole, you know what I mean? is dropping kids off at the pool is the reverse dropping kids at the pool is shitting out your arms kids shoving yeah I'm about to pick I'm about to pick the kids up from swimming yeah kids have been dropping me off at the pool yeah I've got a ketchup bottle on my house no they've been shoving toys down the bath toys down the plug hole they've managed to get the plug out well you've got a stupid push plug I don't know engineers anyway I managed to I managed to the bath wasn't draining and I I did it with a fucking coat hanger and a plunger and unscrewing the pipes.
16:59You gave it an abortion. I gave it an abortion. You gave the plug a backstreet abortion. I gave the plumbing an abortion and, but I didn't have to call a plumber and I saved myself a call out fee and I felt like a fucking... That gets you fired up. I feel like a boomer dad. Have you got any DIY? You don't really DIY skills. Because I'm bad at DIY but I was like, I can fucking do this. You're right. I can imagine you're right. I can imagine you're handy. I have a go and then I pay through the nose to someone to clean up my mess. Yeah, I'm terrible. I once did a... Clean me up, will you? I just got tomato soup and I get a Tars Rabbit to hose me down.
17:29You've asked a plumber round. What do you mean? You just pour tomato soup over yourself. Just wipe me down. I'm a plumber. Please just wipe me. I was one to do, we had these LEDs in our bathroom. You know, they're like sunken LEDs and they're annoying because you can't, if the bulb goes, you have to, it's actually like got a whole battery pack, like a thing. Right. Anyway, I got them out the ceiling. I changed them and this is like with exposed wiring. I did one. I was like, I've done that myself. took about an hour but i did it second time i did it it just nothing was working and i kept having to go and turn the light switch off and anyway i electrocuted myself and fell off a chair and i was like right i'm never doing anything like that yeah i could have died it's all stupid yeah so stupid anyway what are you proving oh it's like i said right okay your job is being racist yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like asking him to be racist on a podcast it's like that's your job my wife's like oh you should do more on the house i'm like fuck it do you want me dead yeah if i try and get in the back of a dishwasher i will die if i if i clean up myself i will die do you want me to fucking die what's that thing about weaponized incompetence i'm like the logical get someone around if i wipe my ass i will die we need to task rabbit hit i like i like the idea of task rabbiting every little thing right can you task for someone to tuck me into bed at night it's It's basically a Roman emperor, isn't it?
18:54Essentially. Just outsourcing everything. Delivery, but for arse wiping. Yeah. Great delivery driver just tucks you in, gives you a kiss on the forehead. He's got toilet rolls on his back.
19:09Yeah, no. Yeah, weaponising competence, for those who don't know, is when men supposedly go like, oh, how'd you do that again? Yeah. Are these the right things? So you're not actually dealing with the problem because you're making the woman actually talk you through it. So she actually has to engage with the problem. It's not my job to educate you. Exactly. Yeah. There's that sort of stuff. The logical end point of that is going, if I wash up a plate, I'll die. You do it. This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money.
19:45Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, You're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweet Greens Fall Harvest Menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels, and crave worthy flavors in the autumn harvest bowl, maple glazed salmon plate, and roasted bacon Brussels side. The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweetgreen, featuring fall's best dressed.
20:28Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app. Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. Anyway, so he steals his second wife, basically. That's what I was getting to. Caligula steals someone's wife. From where? From, I think he does it at her wedding. So there's a wedding going on and he goes, yoink, that's my wife now. And he forces him to an old wedding. He forces her to an old wedding that day and marries her.
21:04So it's like, you're in the church, And it's like, does anyone have any reason why this is not? Should be like, yep, that's my wife now. Shotgun. And then just, that's the original. And everyone has to be like, oh, congratulations to the new. Everyone basically just turns around and goes, all right, this is the wedding now, I guess. Back of the church.
21:21the groom's just some kind of a bad. Are you invited to this wedding? I guess not. Do you know the groom? Well, that's my ex-wife. The next day, Canigula divorces her. I mean, that's fucking hilarious. Marriage on the rocks. Nick's someone at the ceremony, marries her next day. Nah, fuck it. So he's sort of like a Kaufman, sort of Andy Kaufman. It's like... It's crazy. He's doing like a lot of comedic stunts that are satirising... Yeah. ...ideas of, you know, what is... He has a fair... He has an insanely, I would say, sophisticated sense of... humor his sense of humor is crazy yeah um i mean yeah it's also so the next day what time he prohibits her from going back to the original husband that you nicked her from well fair's fair yeah come on come on you shouldn't go back to your ex so his third wife lolia um 38 this is the year after yeah um was with her husband who was a console right uh and caligula i should just say he has a big thing about um he had dinner parties with the sort of the consul and the and it's and the console i kind of rate this bit as well this is great charlie can you just google what a console roman console is just to give it it's like a playstation no it's it's like an mp or a lord or you know it's a it's a noble noble it's the highest elected public official right in the republic republic that's the republic we're in the empire now so i guess it's similar it'd be similar prep prime minister anyway whatever uh it's what he'd do he's had a dinner oh sorry no it's right at the top so it's one of two highest electives well that's during the republic though we're talking about we're now in the empire so there won't be loads more though will there no anyway it's a it's a high it's a public official whatever he'd have these dinner parties and what he'd do is he just take someone's wife during the dinner during during the main yeah and he'd just go and railer he'd go and railer next door her hair's all messed up yeah come back and he'd mark her out of 10 craig revel horwood yeah well it's strictly come dancing and he then he then would come back to dinner and he'd be like you know what she's absolutely rubbish in the sack I'm gonna you're divorced you're divorcing you can do better than that this is yeah this is kind of sick to be fair this is crazy yeah it's crazy funny at dinner parties they're so formal and stuff I think so stuffy just yeah you and me and then coming back her hair's all ruffled and she's rubbish and you're like get divorced and you're like I had to finish myself off so his sex life is insane at this point.
23:40Right. Obviously, he's had his... Charlie Sheen sort of stuff. Yeah, he's had his paedophile button pushed, his Chinese accent button pushed. Yeah. So rumours start to spiral about drunken orgies, little boys, married women, virgins. He's obviously turned Buckingham Palace into a brothel. Yeah. He made advances to nearly every married woman in Rome. I mean, fair play. Do you know what I mean? Fair play. Is he just going... Is he doing door to door? You'd have to. Yeah. Every married woman in Rome. So he's like a male Bonnie Blue. In some ways, yeah. One at a time. Now, the relations, obviously...
24:14So he's an absolute menace. I mean, he's just... He is a sex pest, to put it mildly. To put it mildly. It's the fact that he's just going from wedding to wedding and just... Nicking bride. I mean, it does make weddings more exciting. Is Caligula going to turn up? Is he going to turn up? Is this going to be Caligula's wedding again? We don't know. Should I get a present for Caligula just in case he turns up? Should we include him on the seating plan? He steals brides from their weddings, has sex with them, and then returns them. They carry on. Where do they carry on the marriage? It's crazy. That's fucking madness.
24:43Yeah. He's a silly goose. Yeah. Yes, he's a silly goose. He's the original silly goose. So obviously, this relationship with the Senate, is this going to be worth it? Probably not. Well, let's carry on then. His relationship with the Senate, right, starts to, because you are, I say that because you are eating. You're eating and, you know. Pan of chocolate. Yeah, you're eating a pan of chocolate. so maybe finish what's in your mouth bear in mind this is a fucking podcast crazy so his relations he eats like he's at the fucking Coliseum I know he's just sat there like he's enjoying it he's like a punter this plays a bit fucking shit this is brilliant so his relationship with the Senate and the Roman elite starts to crumble because he's you know it starts to crumble none of this is cricket yeah and he's fucking all their wives and he's I mean yeah yeah yeah it's just there's a bit of tension between him and the nose because it's fucking all of their wives yeah he's an absolute menace uh she's not ryan gigs yes you know in the dressing room he's just fucking trolley dashing so mid banquet he'd sort of laugh and say to the consuls what do you think i could have your throats cut with a single nod you know so you know part of the comedian's role is you reveal the tensions that people don't want to talk about you reveal the subtext i can fuck your wife now is that part of our role when i go to the comedy club it doesn't feel like right you outside no because you can't but he just got married him saying technically i could slit your throat yeah he's revealing the power dynamics that are at play yeah that is the role of the jester i guess because let's let's to to get into this seriously augustus augustus is the first emperor his relationship with the senate and the infrastructure was to hide the fact that really it was a dictatorship.
26:32There was still this kind of surface level of democracy and republic. And Tiberius gets weathered and Caligula genuinely throws it wide open and displays the despot for what it is. He Johnny Wilkinson's all of Augustus' work. Just through the last minute, dropkick, done. So Augustus is known as the most deaf political... Deft. He's the most deft. Yeah, you said I heard deaf. I always didn't take him seriously because he was called Augustus and I just think of Augustus Glute. Do you know what I mean? It feels it undermines him a bit because he's such a titanic historic figure. Yeah. But Augustus Glute, I just think he's a fat kid being stuck in a pipe after eating too much chocolate.
27:11I think he's me, age 10. Exactly. It just sounds, Augustus doesn't sound like a great name. No, but that's, Roald Dahl has ruined it. He's ruined it, but that's the Augustus I know. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's not like, oh damn, Augustus is here. It's like fucking. Little fat, little chubby boy. Apparently during banquets, during banquets, Caligula would have sex with his wife well a stop clock is right yeah on top oh my god this is my actual wife what the fuck well don't worry because his sisters are basically they're below him how does that work so his wife's on top yeah what do you mean they're below him is he lying on his sisters is this like is this how they get the idea I think it's a lasagna is this where they invent lasagna is he the best man with swords if we if we replaced the emperor with some ragu and got some pasta sheets I think that would be Really tasty.
28:00Yeah. Yeah. Maybe a chef is looking on. Butty. He's a butty. He's just a sort of incest butty. Well, his wife's on top. Yeah. So it's only the bottom slice is incest. Yeah. So it's more like ham egg and chips.
28:15Dong. Sounds like a joke went wrong. Boing. Boing. Oh, Christ. So, I mean, again, this is very funny. What's Christ doing? Oh, he's dead. Sorry, Christ is four years. Dead. you're dead good riddance um tonius claims caligula makes high-ranking officials run alongside him uh in his chariot in their togas i mean it's funny it's really funny to get like really respected people and humiliate them it is funny imagine getting like the cabinet imagine getting rachel reeves in her high heels to like run alongside and kia starma's just like yeah in a car no do you know what it is it's you know that thing where you drive and you're picking someone up and the door's open and then you put an accelerator just as they're about to get in it's that so these are some of the punishments that high-ranking officials so you know mps essentially could get you could be branded uh you could be sent to the mines you could be thrown to beasts this is he locked in cages he brings back sawing into but is this it's not magician stuff is it it's like i guess it's a show but is it a trick if they're dead look at this yeah you're right amazing trick if it's like fuck yeah i guess it's not you know you wouldn't do it for a book a kid's party but yeah it's not really a magic it's just sawing someone into it but it's still a spectacle in some ways yeah yeah definitely because more like how would you get a clean a clean cut do you know what i mean that that's that's where the skill comes in i'm a sharp blade very sharp blade tree saw i imagine but he starts just throwing random people to wild animals to eat and i think it's this i think so he's riffing now he's really at one point he's like uh i'm gonna throw anyone to the lions who i don't like and he there's a lineup and he just picks everyone that's bald everyone's bald right bald can't that's a good yeah i mean again it's like a sketch show it's like you know you know he keeps coming up with new premises you know how they say that it's only only like you shouldn't judge a celebrity for cheating on his wife because he has the opportunity to do it and you as a as a normal person don't have the opportunity right you I couldn't possibly know.
30:21Right, right. Exactly. Everyone's judging Tiger Woods. It's like, well, yeah, but he's like... If you had the opportunities, you'd be cheating on your wife. Yeah, and so you should be judged by the opportunity, whether you have the opportunity to do it or not. Are you saying it's easy to judge Caligula, but you've never been in a position where you can kill every bald man you see? There, but for the grace of God go I. That's what I'm saying, is if I was Caligula, I may have just gone, I don't like bald. I wouldn't have woken up going, I fucking hate bald people. Let's get rid. Yeah. Just flim to the lines.
30:46See what happens. See what that looks like? Yeah, it's how I imagined it looking like, to be honest. Yeah. He once said of the Roman people, if only the Roman people had a single neck, I'd cut it through. So he's quite nihilistic. Yeah, well, this is my point. He's gone mad. Again, he's saying that in a Chinese accent. He never kissed the neck of his wife or mistress without saying, quote, and this beautiful throat will be cut whenever I please. I feel like being... It's a bit creepy, that. I think being Caligula's wife... It's a bit creepy. That's a, you know, you wouldn't say that on a third day.
Read the full transcript
31:19No, I think being Cligler's wife, I feel constantly tense, wouldn't you? You'd be on edge. I'd be on edge. I'd be on edge. Is he the one who, in Gladiator, Joaquin Phoenix is based off? We said... Jacqueline Phoenix. Jacqueline Phoenix. You know, Charlie, we said that in the last episode. I have a wife. How could you possibly know? Do you know what? At the end of this, maybe we'll see what you've learned. Yeah, we should start doing that. We should start doing that. I think it would... All right. Yeah. I'm learning a lot. Yeah. So he even threatened to torture his wife to try and discover why she was so devoted to him.
31:52What? You've got to find out. You've got to find out. He was backed into a corner. What are you meant to do? And he's obsessed with killing people slowly. A thousand cuts. He's obsessed with that. Right. He wants to see the death occur. Yeah. And we've got to bear in mind, in the last episode, this is a guy who has a boy. He was gunasaurus for the army. Yeah. He's in the trenches. He went to Epstein's island. Is Garza on Epstein's island? Is Garza on Epstein's island. He is a traumatized boy who now it's all coming out of him. So we get to the most famous story about him, which has kind of been...
32:24Demith. I don't know. Chinese whispered. Chinese accent whispered. He has a horse who he absolutely loves. And his horse is called Incatatus, which translates as speedy. And the horse gets marble staples, gets an ivory manger, gets a mansion, gets like a budget, has slaves. Imagine being a horse's slave. I don't think that'd be that bad. Yeah, because it's not the worst master, is it? It's not going to be whipping you. No. It'd be not quite nice. It's a bit of a doss, wouldn't it? The respect. Yeah. You're already a slave. You're on a date. What do you do? I'm a slave. Okay. A horse. Yeah, who'd I rather be?
33:05The slave of the horse or Caligula's slave? A horse. Where he's just lopping your head up. Yeah, the horse would be fair. Yeah, but if Caligula thinks you're not doing a good enough job for the horse. Yeah, you're gone. You're gone. Yeah. So basically. But this one is not that. People bring this up all the time. It's not the maddest things he does at all. This is just like. People who love their dogs do much. It's not even that. It's him having fun with the form. Yeah. You guys think you're so powerful. So the big thing is that everyone says that he made his horse a console. But I think he did, but it was done as like a...
33:40It's not because he'd lost his mind. He said he could, and he said he would, and it's like he was basically a satire. Yeah, this is how it is for you. So let's talk about his military victories, because he does... Again, he's... On the Rhine. On the Rhine, imagine. He goes to Germania at this point, as of course it's barbarian Germany, it's feral, it's pre-Nazi, it's not... Germania sounds like a sort of weird theme park. So he stages a fake battle using his own German bodyguards as enemy troops. Right. He kind of dresses the Gauls as Germans, even though they're already subjects. Yeah. He's sort of playing battle, playing soldiers.
34:19But also just these days must be exhausting because it's one man's will. It's of no benefit to anyone else. And there's thousands and thousands of people having to do it. Yeah. And it's pointless. Yeah. And it's not being filmed. Yeah. So just imagine those days you're waking up. it's like a big organizational thing and everyone is pulling towards this project that doesn't mean anything HS2 sort of like this yeah he marches he declares war on the sea yeah well it depends what the sea did to him let's hear yeah so he goes to the channel the English channel as if to prepare an invasion of Britain and then he goes actually let's just fight the sea and he orders it to be whipped so people have to go and whip the sea he's random it is he's no fielding you're right it is no fielding you think he's gonna do one thing and then
35:08he gets his soldiers to collect shells and seaweed uh and listen so it is very millennial random girl yeah it's very like i've got a conch yeah it's like early instagram with the filters on it so when we you know how you're not meant to you apparently you're cursed if you get a conch from the sea yeah and you take it away when hey maybe it's just fiji so my wife and i were in fiji it's years ago and I've been doing the New Zealand festival she came out we had a holiday in Fiji Fiji's brilliant right because of the diet because of the breakfast where you eat ice cream and bread yeah anyway I wonder why you liked it we got forgot about the beach got a conch out there she was like oh that's a nice shell it'd be romantic if you got it and we just started seeing each other right so I was like yeah I'll get that conch right and then we so she's into shells I guess and so we got it back to the hotel and you're meant to you're meant to dry it out because it's got a fucking mollusk in it dry it out take it home that's the plan even though it's been told not to do that you get cursed for seven years if you steal a conch anyway the smell of this thing right as it dries out because it's like a living thing in there right fucking it's a hotel room starts to think a sea pussy right basically our hotel starts to stink of deep sea pussy right and then yeah a bussy a beach pussy and then on the last night of the holiday we basically both got uh food poisoning right and uh i'd left the conch in a bag with my um swimming trunks the swimming trunks smelled so bad i basically threw the conch back into the sea i had to leave my two trucks in the bin we then had to get a 28 hour flight home and my wife was um had severe food poisoning both ends the entire 28 hours really yeah i recovered and ate but i had double meals so it's a happy ending happy ending yeah we watched Zootopia and I had two dinners but but the curse of the conch so you got the curse of the conch the curse of the conch and then you threw it back into the sea and it balance was restored hopefully but who knows maybe in the middle it's still seven years bad luck yeah but the curse of the conch how long ago was that it smelled well that was that was 2018 so yeah you'd come to the end come to the end of the seven years bad luck but it's I can't the smell of it was so bad were you in love what did it smell like yeah were you already in love yeah had you told her yeah nice yeah yeah we'd known each other for years that's lovely yeah that's lovely yeah that's lovely what does it what does it smell of deep sea pussy right what is what is that what is that like just pussy but deep sea water pump say that again water pump yeah water pump no it's like you know sushi paper dried seaweed yeah that but worse and with the kind of like ancient mask toilet water oh fucking moaning toilet water toilet water sushi it smelled of toilet water rotten sushi that's what it smelled like it was really bad it was the worst thing I've ever smelled it was the worst thing I've ever smelled stop moaning anyway enough about the sea person you can't talk about sea perm and then expect me not to moan yes I can that's in your job description I definitely think you can you've got to detach yourself from the sexual jokes we make I can't I honestly can't so the point is that even though the the elites hate him.
38:23The military people hate him. Elites hate him. Because they hate him. The military people are annoyed with him because he's whipping the sea. You know, he's wasting money. Are you saying it's like a Ment Health magazine cover? Doctors hate him. The consuls hate him. He had, at some point, a prophecy that said he would be killed by someone named Cassius. Right. So he starts killing people called Cassius. Yeah. so someone who called Cassius Longinus who I guess must be a noble but it turns out that in his Praetorian guard there's a guy called Cassius Kyria right and he's the Praetorian guard like his bodyguards they're the only ones to carry swords in Rome for power you've got to keep them on side you've got to give them a lot of bonuses you've got to keep them happy because that's where all the power in Rome fundamentally any transition of power you need the Praetorian guard on side and Caligula had always been teasing Kyria as like effeminate and oh he speaks like oh it's Cassius Kyria so he'd be mocking his high pitched voice like oh hello oh Kyria's here oh Praetorian friends yeah exactly oh bus wanker yeah it's that this episode is brought to you by PayPal you know how a mom's bag has everything sunscreen snacks a stapler the new PayPal app is like that but for your money shop pay manage your account and earn rewards all in one place.
39:47And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. order on the sweet green app propel fitness water with gatorade electrolytes zero sugar and vitamins propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self what propels you propel with gatorade electrolytes so um ah and this is what i wanted to draw attention to i put a pin in the last episode if you remember when we're talking about having a permanent boner yeah right let's just put a pin in that boner deflate it that he would so there'd be a yeah now that what's that called yeah now he would give the praetorian guard every day a password which was the password for the day it was like some kind of security thing right and he'd give him humiliating passwords like uh priapus now what does that mean does that mean permanent boner in latin yeah look it up look it up you idiot No, it does.
41:09No, look it up. No, look it up. Fuck me. Right. The Greco-Roman god of fertility gardens and male generative power. What's male generative? That's an erection. Or is it to give birth to, oh, so the god of erections. So a pre-epism is a constant erection. That's good to be called that. God of boners. God of boners. The boner god. I'd love to be called the god of boners. But wait, the god of boners, this is what's weird about Roman gods, though, is that they always triple up or quadruple with other shit. Yeah. It's never like one thing. Yeah. So he's the God of bones, but he's also the God of gardening.
41:40Do you know what I mean? It's like... Alan Titchmarsh got a permanent log on. Well, Alan Titchmarsh is going to have to make a lot of... He's like, no, no, it's because of the gardening stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. He's making all these offerings to the God of bones. No, no, no. It's because I'm a gardener. I want my plants to grow. I need to give offerings. You're digging a trench down there with that. You're struggling. No, no, my bones are fine. You don't need a trowel with that. That's so funny. Given the choice, what would you all three... If you were the god of three things, what are you picking?
42:07It would be fucking, it would be mint pies. No, it wouldn't. It would be, it would be pub snacks. The god of pub snacks. Sahara nuts. So there's a thing called Sahara nuts, which is actually, it turns out, is local to Oxfordshire and Gloucestershire, based up the A40. There's one guy who bought these, this is a very, very boring. That's good. I'm never supposed to say, this is intensely boring. Basically, when I was a kid, all our local pubs had these, these things called Sahara nuts, google it up google you know what sahara nut is no it's a big vending machine big vending machine yeah they're warm warmed chili coated peanuts right yeah that that thing and it turns out and i now i thought what's the motto sahara nuts they're nuts they are nuts that they're nuts that's a great that's a great marketing slogan i thought every pub had them because that's why you started drinking in these local boozes it turns out they're very specific to a stretch of the a40 where one bloke invented them and then just sold them to pubs up and down that street.
43:05Right. So you only get them in the Oxfordshire and the Cotswolds. No, you get them in Sussex. But they're fucking amazing. I've seen a couple of dispensaries. I'd be the god of that. I love them. Zahara nuts. They are amazing. Me and my sister. Who's the guy who invented it? Who's the genius who worked that? John Zahara. They're fucking brilliant. And they have like a little red light. It's like an incubator for nuts. Anyway, I'd be the god of pub snacks. Pub snack tapas is probably one of my favourites. If I go on off menu, that's my starter pub snack tapas so what are you doing scampi fries scampi fries pork scratching sahara nuts those sweet chili crackers with a pint of lager um yeah or local ale right yeah fucking love pub snacks yeah i'd be god at pub snacks so nice we're coming now to the sorry what are we talking about we're talking oh yeah so anyway so he'd give his his bodyguard the password what's the password today boss permanent boner you're the boner god and he'd be like oh God, this is so fucking embarrassing.
44:03This is humiliating. I have to go up to people and say the word boner god. I'm the boner god. Yeah, maybe that's what he has to say is I'm the boner god. And Klinger's there like... Anyway, so this fuels Korea's bitterness. And he starts an assassination plot. And apparently there are multiple plots, multiple conspiracies. And bear in mind, he's been emperor for less than four years. Three years, ten months. But he's done a lot of damage. Done a lot of damage. He's fucked every married woman in Rome. What's his domestic policy? Like, is he doing other... He builds aqueducts, to be fair to the guy.
44:32Okay, fair enough. And I think some of them still stand today. And he also, the Palatine Hill, he makes that more palatial. Right. Palatine. Palatine. That's where I get the word palatial from. We don't have aqueducts anymore, right? So is it - There is a few in England. Is it just like - We don't use them. Is it dam or Thames water? Is it - What is - Do they do the same thing as like - Yeah, it's like Tiber water. They who run the aqueducts in ancient Rome. You've got to call up Tiber water. My pipe's gone. No, but that's what it is, right? and they're speaking in that weird cockney Greek I'm sorry boss the water's gone in it sorry my dear pipes but the aqueduct's fucked innit oh the bloody aqueduct's are fucked more like aqua fucked
45:12he's not aqua fucked sorry mate it's aqua fucked today sorry water works in it in it sorry no flushy toilet for three days yeah sorry about that no no no flushy toilet for 3000 years just drink tat wall don't flush toilets aqua fucked innit anyway the aqueducts are used as they're like they're Thames water they're Thames water the reason why Rome can build bigger cities than they've ever seen before is because of the aqueducts it means they can basically get water into the centre of them they also look amazing and there's some there's some in England the Ouse Valley Viaduct is a viaduct an aqueduct no it's a road did you do Latin at school?
45:50no badly were you good at it? did you do it A level? I did it early GCSE he did it a year early on the 24th of January 41 uh caligula attends a show as he's been doing he's a showman and his shows are grim and it's bear baiting and it's throwing ball lines it's queer baiting um it's kill tony basically um do you know that's not what queer baiting is what it's not just saying slurs isn't it no queer baiting is what harry styles and billy eilish was doing before she came out as gay it's like appropriating it it's basically like it's basically like straight guys painting their nails and wearing dresses and just like riding on the fact that they're queered to get away with more problematic behavior well you're baiting you're riling up the gaze you're rattling the cages but so they then think why you are you gay yeah yeah you're kind of almost like cosplaying is gay even though you're straight in order to say and do i used to get more gay fans yeah so if i start wearing eyeliner or like if i started painting had pink yeah so it's not what Kill Tony are basically using shouting slurs in stadiums that's not what queerbaiting is okay I see it's the opposite actually they're getting less gay fans because they're just shouting the F word at people right but Harry Styles is wearing women's clothing yeah so if I started throwing in what do you think is the bare minimum queerbaiting is that is that queerbaiting get the definition yes it's that isn't it if I just started doing that if I started clicking that would be queerbait which I think is fucking annoying yeah I was in a show once where someone started was doing that in the front row and the comic brilliant comic I just went well you just fucking clap like a normal fucking person it was fucking brilliant yeah the wind ran out of its sails it's stupid I mean you can if you've got a room it's annoying if you've got a room where there's one toilet for everyone gosh I thought you just called one gay man in the room of a toilet there's one and there's one toilet in there now that's not queerbaiting why is Sherlock Holmes queerbaiting the cast and crew of Sherlock have consistently denied the relation between titular detective is intended to be seen as romantic critics have called the depiction queerbait right I don't understand that now so is it are they basically saying sorry we'll fucking kiss then so basically I was in the audience and there was this toilet in the front row he kept clicking his fingers that's what I thought you said isn't that crazy that's fucking crazy well it's not I didn't say it I know but that is mad you're acting that is crazy I didn't say it that's a bit much that's mental for this part you're behind it that's crazy what you just said I don't think I'm comfortable with you calling all gay people toilets I think that's mad that is mad yeah so they're saying that Benedict Cumberbatch is queerbaiting because of how subtextually horny his relationship with Martin Freeman was in that show and they're basically saying Sherlock and Watson yeah basically like why are you going to fuck or not?
48:52Yeah. Well, I'm turned on kiss. Yeah. Fucking kiss. But that's like straight baiting, isn't it? That's just me walking past the room and going, Oh, stop it with them. You do. What do you want me to do with chebs like that? That's like me doing that. Isn't it? It's just, it's not straight baiting. Yeah, it is. It's the same, isn't it? When does it stop? Anyway, when does it stop? When does it, when's all this queer baiting stop? Would you say that? Is there any accusation of you two? We're definitely, it's unbelievable queer baiting. This is queer baiting. no there's that guy who keeps commenting who's saying whenever my mum sees me watching this on the telly he says who's that who's that queer who's that queer on the TV you're watching that queer on the TV again I think wearing pink socks who's that bloody queer on the telly that's kind of awesome though I do love those comments it's just so funny just watching the podcast on the TV and a mum coming in probably with a fag in her mouth saying who's that queer on the telly who's that internet queer on the telly it'd be funny to put that on your next poster queer on the telly who's that queer on the telly anyway look we've got to we're getting to the end we've got to make this tense we've got to build it up we've got to if this was a noiser production there would be some sound effects Charlie can you give us can you give us some tense sound effects not horny not horny oh my god Charlie Charlie do your job okay tense dunna okay dunna Caligula is a show dun dun Come on.
50:23Come on. He's going to stop coming to you if you don't fucking make use of him. You're actually fine. Caligula attends a show. He's amused himself watching senators scramble for seats. He hadn't reserved any for them. He laughed when a priest rogue was staying with Flamingo Bart during the sacrifice. After the performance, it's normal Caligula. He's making fun of the nobles. He leaves by a corridor. A courtier lured Caligula aside to see some noble youths, some sweet noble youths, rehearsing a play in his honour. They set up this as a choke point. So they make this little play into like a small corridor.
51:06Cassius Chayeria. Cassius Biala. I mean, there's four vowels in that word. Yeah, there's a lot. Chayeria. We didn't even get to the tense bit of the story. and Charlie's just come and is asking. Right, here we go. Caligula walks down an alleyway and he goes... He's been tricked by saying there's a play with some young youth in it. Yeah, so he's hung over. He walks down an alleyway and he meets his Praetorian guard and one of them asks for the password to go and say, I'm the bone of God. Yeah, I'm the bone of God. And then the first blow is struck down Caligula's neck and it hits his shoulder and this is Cassius Cairo and then all the Praetorians they mob in and they start hacking in whack-a-mole isn't it it's whack-a-mole in there and he gets the big moment he's being he's being hacked to death and this is what's playing it's quite weak for a
52:14can you play the music you think you're what do you think you're doing do you think you're doing um beethoven's fifth is that what you think you're doing I'm going for this, yeah.
52:41Beethoven's fifth chromosome, more like. Right. Caligula staggers calling for help. Help. But senators pile in. Imperial freedmen. It's a pylon. It's a pylon. It's a bundle. They all pile in. It's a Twitter pylon. It's a bundle with swords. And apparently his head is split open. His throat is slit. They start stabbing his genitals. He's stabbed over 30 times. Right. Apparently, people, rumours circulate that people start eating him. Right. So they all just got mental. They go mental. They go, it's a frenzy. It's a feeding frenzy. It must feel amazing. And in the chaos, some senators start to toy with the idea of restoring the republic but the Praetorian Guard who need an emperor for their power and this could be my favourite emperor yeah Claudius because most of these people are fucking now Claudius is disabled yeah so most of these people are generally that's what you're making mental kind of Charlie Charlie most of these people are mental sort of like archetypes of a despot they make sense as a Roman emperor Claudius is a nerd with a lisp and a spitting problem I'm Claudius I reach Burks and he seems like the most unlikely person to become emperor they find him hiding behind a curtain oh god he's like a cartoon cuck yeah and because basically he's the least offensive option at the time the Praetorian Guard full of alphas like we need someone they just say well you're fucking emperor they also they also kill Caligula's wife and then they throw his infant daughter against the wall which is quite grim yeah yeah that's not cricket come on play squash with his daughter that's not nice
54:21he's got the squash goggles on
54:27right you know anyway so uh caligula is murdered at just 28 years old oh god barely longer than the 28 club the 28 club jim morrison winehouse hendrix Caligula's up there with him yeah basically from the from the minute he dies the the kind of spin starts about how bad he was yeah and so any unfinished public works they write Nero's they write Caligula's name off it scratch it off and put Claudius yeah we can't know how much is true I mean I imagine he was pretty mental I imagine there's still a lot of stuff some of the things are probably exaggerations but I imagine it wasn't like no he was actually a really nice guy it's mad to think that like what are people gonna exaggerate what's the tabloid exaggeration of Bonnie Blue do you know what I mean right like if you're actually insane yeah and the tabloid 10 ,000 I guess it's great yeah it's nuts most beautiful woman that's ever sorry Helen of Troy anyway so he dies having reigned only three years ten months at 28 and yeah and he Caligula is the archetypal tyrant yes which is because there's a purity to Caligula yeah he almost lacks depth because it's just pure mad.
55:42A lot of it's very, very funny. It's good stuff. Yeah. But it's not like the modern despots where there's kind of like, he was there for four years and it was just... Chinese pedo lasagna. Well, that's what the episode's called. Yeah. So actually, was that your sum up, Charlie? What have you learned? Caligula was a Chinese pedophile lasagna who was eaten. Yeah. Well, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Make checks out. I guess you're listening. Thanks for joining us on Finn vs. History. that's been Caligula the Chinese pedo who invented lasagna tomorrow on the Patreon we will be doing some queer baiting we will be doing some more queer baiting where we'll be doing the Romulus and Remus the foundation myth of the city of Rome old titty sucking if you'd if you'd like bonus episodes we've got a whole Aladdin's cave of absolute filth Zulu special Bin Laden's cave Bin Laden's hard drive the Geisha special we've got Hitler in Brazil we've got the history of defenestration, we've got the life of Prince Andrew loads of stuff in there it's an absolutely thriving community of the unemployed and the smelly if not, we'll see you next week for a brand new topic goodnight bye and farewell
57:34We'll see you next time.
57:39with precision, see the results. At Equinox, that's high-performance loving. Everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at Equinox. Start today at Equinox.com. This Friday... No one's coming for us. It's just you and me, boy. 58 miles. Part of the Beast is the must-see adventure of the year. An incredible story of survival. I got you. One of the most extraordinary on-screen bonds you'll ever see. Cody, the greatest dog to ever walk the earth. Brad Pitt. I'll get you home. Heart of the Beast. Only in theaters this Friday. Ready PG-13. Maybe inappropriate for children under 13.
From the publisher
Caligula makes a miraculous recovery from his deathbed, only to re-emerge madder, bloodier, and Chinese-ier than ever.
The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.
For weekly bonus episodes, ad-free listening and early access to series, become a Truther and sign up to the Patreon
patreon.com/fintaylor
CHAPTERS:
00:00 Caligula Bounces Back
05:07 Boss Bemp and Bordon Ramsey
09:10 You’ve Pushed My Incest Button
14:58 Please Just Wipe Me
18:17 Male Bonnie Blue
23:53 Caligula’s Humiliations and Punishments
31:18 Deep Sea Pum
37:03 God of Boners and Pub Snacks
40:40 Toiletbaiting
46:19 Assassination Plot
49:53 Chinese Paedo Lasagne
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices