Bin Sniffers, Wicket Keepers, Lily Gilders & Chuff-Slingers: Winston Churchill | Post War British Prime Ministers, 1945-1979

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1:30Welcome back to Finn vs. History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. It's part three of our epic romp through post-war British Prime Ministers. And we've arrived at Winston Churchill once again. The first Jamaican Prime Minister of this country. Rag a tonic wine before any cabinet meeting. So this isn't... Obviously, Churchill's one of the big historical figures, but this is just going to be a focused look on his less discussed second term in office. The difficult second album. Yes, exactly. He's seen off Hitler and Mussolini in the first. He's drunker, he's tired, he's older. He's so drunk. Yeah, this is really...

2:11People don't, when they think of Churchill, they don't realise that he has this four-year coda of nailing brandy. Let's get Churchill's drinking diet up again. We want to see what we're working with. This is an important context for everything we're going to discuss. It is very important to outline. There's a drunk driver to the entirety of the British economy. He's also old enough that he shouldn't really be allowed to drive anyway. He's 77 when he comes into office. This is a string of prime ministers who get it. They become ill out of office. The next three prime ministers all leave office sick as a dog, basically.

2:46And come to office. Yeah. So sick. Yeah, yeah. Because it's the war generation. Limping. I mean, to be fair, if you had been in charge of, you know, Dunkirk, The Blitz Bumfuck Bumfuck D-Day Six years on from that you would just be starting every day with two glasses of brandy But he was doing that before that Yes So So it's kind of like he's not dealing with any trauma So this is his drinking schedule Right First drink in the morning What's your first drink in the morning? My first drink in the morning probably is water but maybe an orange juice Coffee Coffee's the most reliable one for sure But you have water before you have coffee Yeah Just try and get the night away Yeah Yeah.

3:25His first drink in the morning is whiskey and soda. Right. For wake up, whiskey and soda. I don't think there's much soda in that. No, it's whiskey. So is he getting out, he's out of bed with his whiskey? Probably got a whiskey and soda on the nightstand. Yeah. Wake up. And have pretty smoke as well. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Now he started this in the Boer War where the whiskey purifies the water. Yeah. At lunch, he had a bottle of Paul Roger, which is champagne. Right. Sometimes followed by a brandy. and then whiskey with red wine in the afternoon and then another bottle of champagne at dinner with a whiskey or another spirit into the early hours.

4:00So no beer? No, no, no, no, no. He's not allowed. Yeah. No. He's not drinking on the job. No, no, no. So it's all spirits and wine. Yeah, I mean, the guy's breath must have fucking stank. Stank. Cigars as well. Remember when you're on the whiskey and the next morning your wife's not touching you. She's like, does she smell? Yeah. That's Churchill's. Every, but she must have got used to it. You need to acclimatise. I guess everyone stank at this point. Everything stinks. Everything stinks. Do you like Cuban cigars, even though they're communist? Probably not. There's Churchill typically smoke between eight and ten cigars a day.

4:32While he enjoyed cigars, he often allowed them to burn out and then chewed on them, causing them to become frayed. He would wrap a belly bando around the end of the cigar to keep them getting too moist. Belly bando. Ten cigars a day. So he's doing it at like six, even though they're fucking massive. He's ten a day with their cigars. Churchill's favourite cigars. They are Cuban, yeah. Yeah. Cuba's not communist at this point. His cigar-smoking habit began during a visit to Cuba in 1895, and he developed a strong preference for Cuban cigars. Did they invent cigars, then? I guess so. I assume so, yeah.

4:59So, yeah, everything... He reportedly had between 3 ,000 and 4 ,000 cigars stored at his country home. Well, of course, yeah. What would be quite nice to have is, you know in the way that we have Mark Wahlberg's daily routine. Yeah. I guess the opposite of that is Winston Churchill's daily routine. Well, he wakes up when Mark Wahlberg goes to bed. Yes. 4 p.m. And he goes to sleep when Mark Wahlberg wakes up. Yeah, so... he wakes up has whiskey and soda Mark Wahlberg at this point has already done about three workouts and had some athletic greens so Churchill is the polar opposite of today's Huell powered gym nonce yeah so he's so productive while being drunk he's quite extraordinary well is he productive I mean that's the key thing I think we're going to find out is that he might not have been that productive so he comes to power in 1951 and let's just as ever with this series let's make sure people get a grip on where we are.

5:51The average house price, £2 ,000. Right. 70 grand today. So it's gone up. It's gone up. A pint of beer is£1.95. Can you imagine that? In Sadiq's London. Sadiq's not even born at this point. That's probably why. Yeah, well you'd be chopping your head off if you order a pint of beer today. Chop your hands off. Chop your hands off and then you'd have to fucking identify your face. Yeah, a woman drinks beer as you get stoned at half time in a football match. They're importing coal, petrol, eggs and maize. And that's also what they're having for breakfast. That's how you make a birthday cake in 1951.

6:23Petroleum, eggs and maize. Happy birthday with a petrol cake. And the Christmas number one in 1951 is Here in My Heart by Alma T. Martino. Don't know what that sounds like. Charlie, can you play us a bit of that? Let's get a flavour of the age. Let's get a flavour of, this is 1952, I say. Here in My Heart by Alma T. Martino.

6:45Yeah, so... Yep, so this is a flavour of what 1952 sounds like. Churchill's back in office it's the 50s we're back baby it's the 50s the crazy man's back he does look a bit like crazy frog I mean he's drunk as well he's pissed it's happy Christmas he's back on the wheel he doesn't give a fuck ding ding enough of that fucking austere socialist shit let's get back to this fat drunk man Britain is back like we were saying on the last episodes about my body I do and my worst look like the crazy frog wrong that's what you're trying to avoid trying to avoid looking like crazy fog frog uh the big belly so this is this is number one in 1952 i mean people can sing back then yeah none of this none of this fucking sabrina carpenter woke nonsense this is a blind bloke who's got fucking pipes you know none of this taylor swift jua lipa get your tits out yeah in front of the kids i want a bloke with pipes i want a man with a woman with chebs put your chebs away and get your pipes out get a bloke with pipes out yeah I want to go to a concert to listen to some man's singing yeah not to be disgusted by some woman's disgusting chebs yeah seeing as we talk about Churchill I think here's a very much vibe of the pod go for the guy who who got rid of all the racist cardboard signs by the Churchill statue do you remember this guy yeah look at this bloke this is the most like yeah right enough of that get the fuck out yeah come on look at him

8:23i like that i got i like that guy and he just looks exactly how you imagine he's got a fucking wax coat right enough of that no stop that um so that so food rationing is still in place but because the queen is coronated in 1953 we get in my opinion the high point of british food yeah coronation chicken right i've just had some for lunch how was it what's coronation chicken what is it it's a yogurty chicken it's it's a yogurty curry spice chicken yeah we've left india yeah and our our but our you know our relationship is still strong we've just taken rather than running india we've just put indian spices with some mayonnaise and some yogurt and some chicken and put it in a sandwich right so we've we've separated india fittest woman of the age suzy parker let's get a picture of suzy parker up what are we looking at let's have an oogle let the dog see the rabbit oh gorgeous they're getting fitter they are getting fitter this is the long road to thatcher they're getting sultry sultry yeah gosh she's gorgeous images come on let's see more let's see more come on be fucking stingy as well and she's i mean this is very low cut for the 50s mama mia and what susie parker doing don't care i think but this is the start of women posing like this isn't it yeah yeah that's now in the 40s that would be godless no and sinful but now this is how they pose with their tinder profile they do this yeah and they're always you know you have to take him from above the long road to bonnie blue it starts here starts here susie parker is she a movie star she's a model slash actress right and most importantly the first james bond book is written under churchill's james the giant peach it's not james and the giant peach it's casino royale james and the giant biatch yeah yeah that would not be a great bond film I don't think.

10:05James and the Giant Peach. James Bond's got to destroy a giant peach. I think Casino Royale is my favourite Bond film. Yes. The later one. I know it is. Right. I know it is but it's not correct. The best is Licence to Kill. Is it? Dalton. Angry Dalton. I love Angry Dalton. I've said before. But Dalton's not a fan favourite is he? No, no, no. No. So you like it just because of his treatment of women? It's partly why I like it. You're a massive Bond fan and it's just that. Well, have you read any of the books? No. Because if you think the women in the in the film is bad in the in the books he is like knocking them for six really he's like slapping them about yeah and then obviously it's t20 it's t20 it's bond t20 it's a slugfest but yeah the films are sort of they lessen his his misogyny somehow yeah uh it was a pretty racist really um there's a lot of n-bombs in the books yeah yeah yeah is james dropping n-bombs i think so it's the 50s um right let's get off the n bomb and get on to the h bomb let's get listen uh so churchill had been in opposition while we were talking about that yes and churchill opposition is kind of hilarious because he's not really around at all he's he was livid he didn't win he's obviously a war hero he's the most famous man in the country you can sort of do what he wants yeah he's probably he's more more powerful than the king and many like more respected uh so he just kind of was like an Instagram travel baddie.

11:31Do you know what I mean? He was just going from all the most expensive kind of cruises and hotels around the world and staying free, but just because he was there. And even, so he loved Marrakesh and I went to Marrakesh quite recently and one of the hotels that he'd stay. Pretty lady, pretty lady. Yeah. Just to give you a flavor of what Marrakesh sounds like. Yeah, they say ugly man as well. Ugly lady, ugly man. Ugly nonce man, ugly nonce man, please. But they still talk about him there. They still have his silhouette everywhere. Really? So it is like a branded, he's a he's such he was a brand before brands really i guess he was so what's the hotel and it's a what's it called it's like this beautiful hotel that he loves where is it la mamma mia mama it's like and then they've got this like uh ancient coffee well this coffee house from the 40s and 50s that because he wanted coffee when he was there they started and now it's like this like this huge coffee so churchill introduces coffee to marrakesh yeah wow what a man he was just literally going around staying in places for free slotting out on Instagram getting his ass out all he had to do was just two posts a day when he was in the hotel of him by the pool like this with a hourglass figure my daughter started doing this really?

12:40doing that pose starting young she came out of a nursery one day age four doing this it's funny isn't it a four year old do that anyway while he's in opposition and he's travelling he builds a relationship with Harry Truman who's the president of the US and this is where he goes to he's getting like a lot of public speaking appearance fees as you say Instagram stuff he's doing a Blair yeah right because by the way Attlee made the least money out of office of any Prime Minister post-war he made no money well it's because he's a boring cunt yeah no one wants to hear him speak about anything no yeah I mean he barely spoke during his fucking tenure yeah he didn't have a brand Attlee no he didn't have a famous silhouette Churchill turned down an Eldom Earldom yeah because it would go against the brand of Sir Winston Churchill because they're selling stuff.

13:28It's like Air Churchills. Like an Air Jordan, but instead you'd have his fat silhouette. So has he got merch? He's got merch, yeah. Christ. Churchill merch. And he knew if he became like the fucking... Churchill. Churchill. Winston Churchill. That's good. If he became like the Duke of Gloucester, it would undermine the fucking... Yeah. The Air Churchills he's trying to sell. It's a bit like Prince Andrew's, no longer the Duke of York. It's just him dunking is the silhouette. Duncan Hitler. Yeah. On his Air Churchill. he's just like yeah blood you know through the through the hoop yeah um so churchill goes to the us on his travels delivers his famous iron curtain speech right which is where um he says can someone please iron my curtains my wife's not uh responding yeah um he's he he fucking hates the reds can we check i hear iron uh kern all the time we find the context to which an iron curtain i've fallen over europe it's just that it's just that i think it's just that right do he coin it uh i actually think it's i think actually goebbels coins it so he's stolen a bit of nazi valor there more pro in the nazi column thank you he doesn't look evil at all goebbels no that's what i like about goebbels is he doesn't look at all like the shape of his head as a phrenologist i'm thinking what's going on in there what is going on in there and you're telling me this guy's evil i do think we are now worryingly popularized phrenology as i've been getting instagram people be sending me stories of like phrenology busts in pubs.

14:55I don't know what pubs. I think every pub should have a phrenology kit. I agree. I think get rid of the jukebox. Or get rid of the first aid kit and have an emergency phrenology kit. Someone has a heart attack, you can bridge their skull. See if you bring them back to life. No, they're too stupid to be brought back to life, actually. I think it should be instead of ID, they should have a phrenology caliper. Right, right. So every bouncer's got calipers. Hang on, mate. Hang on, mate. Let me measure your head. Put your head in there. Come on. Come on. No, you've got a child's mind. Sorry. so churchill uh vehemently anti-communist and in this time you know tito's into yugoslavia yeah poland and hungary get enveloped by the ussr and he's criticizing germany's split split the pump in two yeah big batty um is completely big bat i don't know yeah yeah so m dot raster m dot r has split germany the m dot ussr has split germany in two um and he's deeply critical of Labour's nationalisation plans.

15:49Of course he is. Until he saw how really successful they were. And everyone loves it. And then he goes, right, well, I guess we'll just do that then. And he's against the independence of India. But as we said last time, you know, just stay within the lines. That'll be fine. This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step.

16:27Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. This message is brought to you by Apple Card. With Apple Card, you earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases, like groceries, merch, or tickets to the game. Plus, it can be used anywhere MasterCard is accepted. No matter your team, no matter where you shop, Apple Card is here to help you tackle game day. Apply in the Wallet app on your iPhone today. Subject to credit approval, Apple Card is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch. Terms and more at AppleCard.com. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen.

17:07Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu. and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweet Green app. Blah, blah, blah. 1950 election. Highest turnout since universal suffrage, 83%. What's the turnout of the last election? Is it going down? Now it's like 70%. It's not even that. It's like less than 60 now. Turnout of Starmer election. Nowadays, everyone's too thick and fat to vote. 54.1. Yeah. For the entire election? Yeah. Wow. Is that good? No. Bad. Just slightly more than half the country.

17:49Voted. What should it be? 100. Well, in Australia, it's illegal to not vote. Really? Yeah, it's mandated. But they've had six prime ministers in three years, so. Yeah, because it's a fucking party day. I love it. Get on the beers. Yeah. 51 election. Here we go. The Conservative Manifesto. Britain strong and free. Stressed safeguarding, quote, our traditional way of life. Yeah. They did not propose to dismantle the welfare state or the NHS, but it did promise to stop all further nationalisation. And the Conservatives critique Labour for ending wartime rationing too slowly. They end up winning despite Labour getting more votes, but they win the first-past-the-post system.

18:28Basically, if you're listening from abroad, first-past-the-post... We have a weird thing where you can get more votes but lose because the way the seats are done. Some seats have more people in them. It makes sense if you don't think about it at all. But he was also voted in because there was a feeling, because of the Cold War, there was a feeling that they wanted a bit of more of a strong wartime leader. Dada. They wanted Dada back. Daddy. Because it felt like the threat from the USSR was on the rise. Daddy. He wanted to cuddle Daddy. But Churchill is not really a daddy when he's 77. He's a fatty.

18:59He's a fatty. Yeah. Fat daddy. He's a granddaddy. He's a jilf. Yeah. I know I once was in a hostel in Amsterdam and it just happened to be gay pride. Right. It sounds like a gay panic story. But Christ, is that how old he is? He's 77. Fucking hell, he looks fucked. Of course he's fucked. I was once in a hostel in Amsterdam. My friend and I were backpacking, battypacking around Europe. And we were in a hostel, and then we saw this probably 70-year-old gay man, and he was bunking up with a, I'd say, 18-year-old Filipino boy. What, in the same room? In a communal room, like 12 dorms. They're in one bed.

19:37and we were like, okay, that's pretty brazen, isn't it? I mean, if you're doing that, do you not get your own room? And did you hear them shag? No, no. Were they just like quietly spooning? Just quietly cuddling, I guess. I guess a little cuddle partner. Did you feel sympathy for the guy? I felt mainly uncomfortable being in the same dorm. Yeah, get your own room. Get a room. I think that's a fair when you can tell a gay couple to get a room in that situation. Yeah, because it could have been any couple. But it just happened to be an old man and a young Filipino boy. Get a room. now Churchill doesn't really when he enters office he's 77 he's not a well man he doesn't really do any work he mainly plays this game called Bazik which is like an imperial card game and as such what that you do drink gin and tonics in India and play this game basically yeah and as such he basically just sticks to everything Atlee's done he just goes well fuck it that worked I mean everyone's happy I'm going to have a drink and he only really focused on foreign policy yeah I mean if you're a leader that's the fun shit isn't it well yeah playing the game of risk you don't want to fucking talk about like new houses and stuff and also if you're prime minister you're just off on the you're on the plane all the time you're going around you're having a look yeah having a peek I mean you leave it to fucking Angela Rayner all the boring stuff so you had Butler and Eden were taking care of most of the domestic stuff and he was just I mean weirdly Churchill kind of functioned as a monarch in a way yeah because he sort of was a figurehead he was just a figurehead he's a brand he's a silhouette yeah but he's a pissed monarch which I would like I would like the monarchy more had fun with the brand yeah like play with the brand when harry's dressing up as a nazi i'm like that's fun right that's post-modern it's ironic maybe i don't know you want an ironic monarchy yeah you want to you want a smug ironic monarchy i want to i want to i'm kind of the king uh i guess i'm the king i want the king to be playing with the form i want a drag king well so like the king stands with the queen he's going i'm with stupid t-shirt on yeah the man the legend female body inspector i want an incel king wouldn't that be fun wouldn't that be fun if charles and william died and then is it george is he third in line but if it died at just the wrong time my george was in a massive incel grunge teenage phase and we had an incel king or we find out there's a kid who's actually the rightful monarch who didn't realize so he's just been in a fucking basement and he's one of our truces and like like atlee like sitting in pots down like how the fuck did i get he's one of our patrons wouldn't that be incredible narratively one of our like the most smelly patron we have you know what's what's it charles's company the duchy of what's that company he does uh the waitrose one the waitrose one well then the king could produce this could be like a royal the first royal podcast yeah it's like you know it's got the charter can you fucking imagine we have a charter from the king and the king is a fat insult and it's like the world of warcraft charter the duchy of warcraft the duchy of westeros or whatever that fucking thing's called.

22:30God, that'd be fucking... I would love that so much. I would choose... Like a fan of... If it was a history king. No, if it's a... Yeah, if it's a Royal Variety show, but the king's just a fucking incel and he books all the acts he wants to see. So he books like... Strippers. Strippers and like LARPers and a ping pong show. Can you imagine Royal Variety show? Just fucking an Asian bird, just like this. Boom! And it's the same crowd in tuxes. Like, oh my... Well, that's the... Well, yeah. well that's the 10 gun salute or whatever it is was it 10 cunt salute well yeah it's 10 10 thai women could change remembrance sunday wouldn't it oh i mean i'd fucking i'd wear a poppy for that remembrance cunt sunday 10 cunt salute 10 thai women down in whitehall firing ping pongs at the memorial that's what that's what people died for is to see that um so anyway uh his domestic policy he's built 300 000 new houses a lot of houses but the person who's running the houses is mcmillan who will come in later mcmillan so his first ministerial role is the house guy and he does a good job uh and he getting he's getting rid of all the slums and the bombed out houses and i think maybe he's building actual houses rather than the labor like prefab ones which lasts way too long yes we'll fix this you know yeah yeah they're just we'll fix this later and then it's like that for a decade more than that like three it's crazy so he gets rid of all the austerity measures that atlee put in rationing ends in 54 this is where like consumerism happens it's black friday tvs cars people are just punching fat women are punching each other in primark yeah this is where this starts get off my telly um but this makes the government very popular this is this is what we have become to be but i remember this i think this started when i was at uni i remember the first one the first primark no the first black friday and there was a moral yeah this yeah 11 years ago this is like there's like a moral panic around it because it's like this is this is i mean in some ways this is the end point of american consumerism coming to the uk well yeah this is uh look people getting trampled people get trampled microwave it's like fucking hillsborough for a tv it's madness i mean this is like when people go uh late late stage capitalism this is shopping trolleys punching each other over like fucking yeah like an xbox detergent it's great it's fucking great and bear in mind they weren't doing this for rationing rationing was like orderly queues for bread yes orderly queues the natural consensus yeah shopping isn't imbued with a story no there's no competition yeah but this is Thatcher's this is Thatcher's rationing yeah it's people punching each other for tellies in Primark yeah and let the person with the hardest punch win yeah exactly but in Atlee's Britain in Churchill's Britain you'd queue for your half a pound of fucking fat.

25:23You would queue for your tinned fish and you would be grateful. Yeah. Which is how I think our patrons should feel. Yes, you're getting stinky fish, but you'll be grateful. Yeah. Take a ticket. Form a queue. You wait your turn, you form a queue for your portion of stinky fish. But the government's very popular with the people because nothing people want more is to punch other people for TVs. That's what British people will do on instinct. And it's the beginning of the booms finally starting to hit us. The post-war boom is just starting to kick in. Boom and bust. Yeah. So, yeah, This is the start of the boom.

25:52Butler's the chancellor. He balances the budget, which means - Butler balances the boom budget. Butler balances the budget. Boom. Butler balances the budget. No more bust. It's a boom. Butler balances the budget. The living and correct standards go up. So Churchill mainly focuses on foreign muck. On the half an hour he's working, he chooses to do it on foreign affairs. Because he likes traveling and he finds it exciting. To be fair, if you've masterminded World War II, what are you doing doing like house reform fuck off someone goes oh I want the NHS isn't working fuck off you would be like fuck off it's Farage ignoring his constituents in Clacton yeah I'm hanging out with Trump go fuck yourself well who gives a fuck about potholes who are you just a fucking worm from Essex I'm gonna go hang out with the Don it's Bobby Sands ignoring his constituents to shit on a wall yeah you're right the worst MP there's ever been what an abuse of power that was he's doing what sorry I'm here at a constituency surgery waiting to task him about bin collection and he's shitting on a wall in prison with my money my god can we recall an MP do we have that power um yeah no Churchill's not quite that bad but it's not far off I'm sure he's shitting he shits himself how many times in Churchill's life has he shat himself oh I mean but this is the shitting yourself has he shat himself more than any prime minister in British history I think Eden probably shits himself quite a lot.

27:22Well, because he, the medical rules. He's high as a kite, yeah. Yeah, maybe. No, I think Churchill's got it. Look at that face. He's shatting himself. He's got shattered pants in that photo right there. But he also has a face of someone who doesn't know they've shat themselves. Someone who doesn't care. Doesn't care. He doesn't wipe his own ass. No. You know, because he grew up in a fucking... Blenheim Palace. Blenheim Palace. Yeah. He's had, like, silver spoon more than anyone. So he's never even wiped his own ass. He doesn't need to. No. So shitting yourself, it's like, it's literally Britain leaving India yes it's not my problem well that's why they left yeah well in my curry bun in my in my in my pants it's you know sectarian violence between Hindus and Muslims yeah but I don't have to deal with it because someone else is wiping my house someone else is cleaning up what a golden toilet was in Blenheim Palace I used to go to Blenheim Palace as a kid it's near where I grew up well they're doing like they're doing like Wocum art in there where there's like anti-colonial stuff but one of the pieces was a gold toilet and yeah four people broke in and stole it.

28:20My mum gilded the gates of Brennan Palace. Really? Yeah, she's a gilder. Is she a full-time gilder? She's a full-time gilder. She does churches and... Or eat, sleep, gild, repeat. Yeah. Gilding as in gilding the lily. Gilding is painting things with fine gold leaf. But gilding the lily, I imagine, is like a sort of 1950s euphemism for a woman masturbating. Yeah. She's a gilder. She's a professional gilder. She's on OnlyFans. You know, women would go home to gild the lily. When their husbands came home, they'd have some figgy pudding. this is how they spoke about sex in this era yeah you know if you were gay you were a bin sniffer or you know you were you were keeping wicket i don't know i'm making all of these up yeah they all work any euphemism from the 50s could be just literally anything and i i i do long for this age back i think it was incredibly fun time yeah you know in terms of language yeah it would a real test of verbal dexterity if as you were talking about someone who was gay you realized that to call them gay would be to criminalise them.

29:15So you have to come up with a euphemism of like, oh yeah, the council only takes his bins on Thursdays. And someone would go, I know exactly what you mean. It's amazing. Isn't it fun? Nowadays, it's also out in the open and garish. He only stays in the jacuzzi at a leisure centre. Yeah, exactly. He doesn't use toilet paper. He uses sand. I don't know. He sucks off blokes regularly. He fucks it up the arse. He has it up the arse. He loves it up the arse. If you know what I mean. He's a chuff slinger, if you know what I mean. Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times.

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31:02That's shopify.com slash realm. This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. This message is brought to you by Apple Card. With Apple Card, you earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases, like groceries, merch, or tickets to the game.

31:47Plus, it can be used anywhere MasterCard is accepted. No matter your team, no matter where you shop, Apple Card is here to help you tackle game day. Apply in the Wallet app on your iPhone today. Subject to credit approval, Apple Card is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch. terms and more at applecard.com uh let's get to the foreign affairs so the big the big one the big uh no no is mau mau mau mau mau mau mau mau no no uprising the no no brilliant um so this is in uh british kenya kenya granddad still calls it kenya so does my nan calls it kenya the last of britain's colonial assets to go are african right so it's like slowly every couple of years the African colonies.

32:34It kind of goes from north to south. Bit by bit. So the Mau Mau, for context, they're not as cute as they sound. No, Mau Mau. It is probably the most cutesy, savage, witch magic rebellion there is. The Mau Mau is in British-controlled Kenya, which I think we should still call it that. I think it's a much more satisfying way to say it. Now, what happens in Kenya is that the British have been in since I think the start of the 20th century, and they are... Is it a mandate or is it an actual colony? I'm not sure. It's a classic story. They're banned from their own land ownership. They're, you know, second-class citizens, taxed, all that sort of stuff.

33:12So in 1949, the British colonial authorities who ruled Kenya are becoming fearful of a popular uprising and this sort of begins years-long waves of arrests. And in October 52, a European woman is stabbed to death and a senior chief, Wairo Hiu, who's a british loyalist is assassinated and the britain britain therefore declares a state of emergency and arrests thousands of kikuyu now the kikuyu are a type like a tribe or a type of ethnic kenyan and this uh essentially kicks off the mau mau uprising and the mau mau are as you say pretty um they're a pretty beheady bunch yes choppy they're choppy and uh because they're probably they don't really have much weapons technology to go with all they've got maybe is the occasional machete no but they also they have a they have guns so it's pretty have a terrifying kind of black magic element to voodoo they have a voodoo witch shit right i did this at uni they do they have all sorts of like mad uh ceremonies where it's called othing where they like cut a goat's head off and let it bleed on the earth and then they eat the earth and rub it on themselves and then they go and cut a kid's head off it's not very stiff upper lip stuff no it's it's extreme it's extremism um so they cut like ears and noses off yeah genital mutilation yeah there's a massive in 53 called the larry massacre where 70 loyalist kikuyu are hacked to death and burned this is portrayed by the british's black magic this is an excuse now for brits to slap back hard yes yeah and to be fair to them they really come out swinging yes uh this is real basketball from the colonialists uh they then did they then basically hold concentration camps i would call them the detention centers right of course they were called it was called a re-villaging that's what the british called it right um over 150 000 kenyans are then tortured by methods that include electric shocks to genitals now nowadays that's you know that's yeah that's fucking burghain that's burghain but charlie's doing that that's charlie's weekend now he's got a taste with rhino whips this is all fucking burghain stuff overton window castration again that's just basement of burghain saturday night berlin cut it off please this is all four sodden this is all I mean, am I reading a menu from a Burgheim basement?

35:31Starvation, psychological abuse, burned alive. Again, it's just Berlin. One of the men that put into the camp is a 50-something cooked named Hussein Onyango Obama, Barack Obama's paternal grandfather. I feel like Hussein Onyango Obama is what Republicans call Obama anyway. Yeah, it's my granddad. I ain't voting for Hussein Onyango Obama. Ooga booga barba. um obama bett was actually very loyal loyal to the brits and had joined the king's african rifles fought for the empire in both world wars did he and then the brit the brits get him in a camp and just sort of taser his balls off because um because he was in the wrong place wrong time i guess it was yeah it's pretty poor form to be fair this one yeah and this is supposedly why barack obama gets rid of a churchill statue which could have been johnson propaganda potentially right we don't we don't know.

36:20Okay, fine. Because how I heard it, but our researchers said otherwise, is that he got rid of the bus because of what Churchill did to his grandfather. That's what I heard. And then Trump brought it back in after he had a chat with Farage. I think that might be just right wing propaganda. Did Johnson just write an article about it? Right. He had some copy to fill. Yes, of course. For a Sunday crime. Anyway, a thousand Kenyans are publicly hanged. What is it? What happened to Obama's grandpa? Was he killed? No, he said he survived the camp but his family has said he described a daily routine of horrifying and at times sexualized torture, including having his testicles squeezed by metal rods and that he was never the same again.

36:58Yeah, not ideal. Well, again, it's just, you know, it's just different, wrong place, wrong time. Different strokes for different folks. Yeah. You know, people queue up all night for that. Between 12 and 20 ,000 Mau Mau are killed. 95 British personnel killed. Shocking. This is absolutely shocking. Appalling stuff. A minute of silence. Please. ultimately defeated by the British forces in 56. But it does kind of start the acceleration towards Kenya becoming Kenya in 1963. So Churchill doesn't, I suppose, cover himself in glory. But again, he's covering himself in fucking whiskey at this point. But also he's from a different...