Boss Baby’s Darkest Hour | Dunkirk Part 3: Cornered

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1:31welcome back to pin versus history i'm here with the ratio gould this is part three on our totemic series definitive series on dunkirk comprehensive the original brexit yeah this is britain's defining moment well this is what brexiteers think brexit is right it's a very similar thing yeah and sort of everything they do is imagine they were one of the people who either helped the soldiers off the beaches of Dunkirk or were on the beaches of Dunkirk. And that Angela Merkel is strafing us from on high. The Stuka dive bomber. It's amazing the boomer generation, the luckiest generation of all time potentially, who never even touched the war, carry the attitude that they were there somehow with them.

2:18There's a real feeling from the luckiest generation of all time that the kids nowadays don't understand. yeah and it's like they have the entitlement of a war veteran without any of the fighting experience yeah and they should have the least entitlement because being gen z and millennial has been way harder than being a boomer totally growing up in the 50s no better times to grow up but then i'm i have a my soul is a is of a boomer who who fought in the war yeah yeah or for the germans but you're a millennial yes which is mad to even say i'm a millennial on the outside on the inside i'm the commandant of a nazi einsatz group on the eastern front i mean it's a it's a terrifying mixture Normally you get accused of being a Nazi.

2:53Normally it's not as easy. Sorry, Charlie's just got on a semi-nude photo of Angela Merkel. What's going on there, Charlie? Angela Merkel on holiday in Italy. Whereabouts in Italy? Because I've just been on holiday to Italy. She was on Ischia. I've been to Ischia. It's nice. It's lovely, yeah. It's near Naples. You can get mopeds. Mopeds and sandwiches. No, thank you. No, thank you. Italy for me stops. Would you say South Italy should connect with North Africa? Yes. In the Anschluss. Yes. If we're Anschluss in countries, um obviously spain italy greece is sleeper stand we've discovered that um but i'd say the north north of bologna italy that's more swiss i'd want to make a new pleasure dome country a country that is essentially center parks center parks but for the um childless and middle class okay and it's it's it's the lakes it's austria do you know what it is so i've just been to lake garda yeah where I now realise that aspirationally what I want from life is to be Italian old money.

3:50There's no better lifestyle than Italian. Northern, yes. Very different. Northern Italian, old money. Swiss border. The south is full of rats. Naples is a city infested with rats, sewage. North, just underneath the Swiss-Austrian border, there is no better lifestyle. Mid-century teak speedboats on a lake. Everyone was German. Everyone was rich. Everyone was rich. every it's where rich germans go on holiday yeah so i was there with my wife but really i was kind of cosplaying as a sort of nazi officer on leave did the nazis spend a lot of time in lake coma was lake coma during the war well i was in lake garda but around that uh what are the lakes doing in charlie can you get up can you can you what i'd like you to do charlie is to plan a sort of nazi mini break yeah what's the holiday what holidays are they on in my head it was the big Batpuff.

4:45Oh, Ernst Ruhm. Yeah. The bathhouse guy. Yeah, I mean, he died before the... No, he got taken out of the night of the long lives. Yeah. He loved, like, always Anderson Bathhouse and getting bummed. Can you get ChatGPT up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a travel designer. Yeah. I want you to act as my high-end travel agent. I want you to act as my high-end travel agent. I'm a... I'm a high-ranking Nazi. And I would like to go on a German... Let's go on... I'd like to... Holiday. Holiday. in Europe in Central Europe here we go holiday itinerary a wealthy German brackets Nazis vacation in fascist Italy summer 1940 that was the summer the summer that never ended this is well this in my head is the Indian summer that never ended Empire Elegance and Espresso right I love it how ChatGPT will give you like you know a shit two for one novel as a title yeah yeah yeah Empire Elegance and Espresso and Axis Grand Tour and oh my god don't get me going on an axis grand tour florence yep uh i want a lake tuscan chocolatiers yeah yeah yeah yep rome power pump and pasta keep going down go down amalfi coast i didn't think about going to amalfi coast amalfi coast nazis on the amalfi coast here we go aristocratic calm nice yes when when nazi style meets aristocratic calm lake lake como lake maggiore you stay at villa deste yeah you you boat sketching the uh scenery you read nietzsche or schopenhauer i am the ubermanche afternoon chocolates and espresso and bellagio i mean that that's yeah that's basically the holiday i've just been on yeah quiet luxury yeah what anyway what are we talking about what are we talking about oh dunkirk that's right yeah so it's going i'm sorry i got very sidetracked because as we've said before in this series this is the great sliding doors moment of the nazi regime yeah and i want to what i wanted to give the listeners and the viewers there is just a little window into what life could have been like for a certain type of man this is this the sliding doors as in if they won at dunkirk if the if the germans obliterate the british then they close off that front and the rest of the war yeah it's much less of an uphill struggle but they wouldn't take britain though because no they probably couldn't have taken britain ever yeah potentially it's less decisive as people make out but so uh we left off the last episode uh britain's in a bit of a rum situation they've been pincer movement by these insane techno farting nazis to on meth amphetamines the french are underneath a big big french stick uh drinking red wine they're already surrendering which is a defense mechanism and they're trying to get their armpits close to the Germans.

7:29Skunk. So, in Britain, Winston Churchill has a war cabinet. Neville Chamberlain, the old cuck. Yeah, who's very good to Churchill. And in the end, when he's not in charge, he actually shows himself as a good politician. Yeah, he actually, people don't give him the credit that he deserves in some way. Because although he cucked it totally at the 38, when he's the second in command, when he's the guy watching Churchill fuck it. He's behind Churchill all the way. He's in the wardrobe loving it. Yeah. what's that in the war cabinet it's the wardrobe it's the wardrobe he's in the war cabinet watching church or fuck hitler the british wardrobe the british wardrobe and you can still go on a tour of the wardrobe rooms can't you um anyway so chamberlain's there halifax is there and halifax is the one that's still flying the flag for appeasement yeah um he's the big the big pussy yeah he's the big juicy pussy at the heart he's the fat pussy um he needs to he needs to turn red and then you've got two Labour you've got Attlee two Labour people who don't have much experience in there and are just kind of like happy to be there yeah because Labour's quite a new party at this point isn't it yeah so they're just going wow number 10's amazing god the portraits are these free can I eat this are you going to eat that yeah so they're not really adding much Attlee but they did say decisively they're only going to join the cabinet if Chamberlain sets down yes so but this is the War Cabinet make up and this is also part of the British myth of us all getting along right yes you know labor and conservative they they put their differences aside for the national interest this builds into the idea of broken britain and you know the nostalgia for the 40s well they're all was it brilliant when we were rationing and potentially under threat from the nazis i see this is they're all they're all centrists they're all hollow centrists in a war cabinet yeah where's the point of difference who are going to vote for if you're all if you're all anti-nazi exactly why is there not a pro-nazi i can vote for where's the difference what's on offer here anyway sorry there's no historical records indicating Winston Churchill shat himself in a literal sense of course he did he's an alcoholic he did experience episodes of incontinence due to a stroke now that is later on in his life I think Charlie are we going to judge him for shitting himself in his like no on his final couple of years no but this is where he dies in like 1960 doesn't he Churchill so this is this is pre this is Churchill at his kind of virile boss baby that's kind of that's kind of what Churchill reminds me of boss baby yeah yeah i mean churchill is britain's boss baby you're right the film darkest hour or boss baby it goes by two different names yes yeah boss baby's darkest hour um he is boss baby yeah british boss baby um so to bear in mind he's he's he's become prime minister on the 10th which the same day that the the meth the farting meth party departs for through the pig forest into into france and uh so over the next 14 days it's just defeat after defeat after defeat yeah luxembourg belgium holland in the toilet yeah they're already toilets collapse like a like a trifle they collapse like jamblin's bottom bums are going out the window everywhere yeah the job is too big for the job is too big for all these people um and at all points uh churchill is being we've got to stay in this we've got to back the french the french will fight back and then he and then he goes to paris and he goes guys can you put that fucking cheese down for one second and there's a guy that's rimming and all what you know what's going on in france then so it's all france it's just they can't decide on anything no this eight-year-old men who are sort of having a long long long lunch yeah and there's no it's what happens when you don't have a decisive you can't really have a you have to have a strong man in a wartime situation you have to have one someone in charge you cannot have a council they've gone to a care home and gone who's the most virile man here oh it's an 85 year old who's not yet got dementia let's put him in charge and that yeah so they replaced they have all these septuagenarians in charge by the 24th of may the british are completely surrounded around the port of dunkirk right um and there's a narrow corridor and this is the great what if because hitler orders the panzer divisions to stop the halt order the halt order this is arguably where he loses the war yeah so i've always obviously when you hear this story you're like just keep going yeah but there are reasons why i didn't keep going well there's lots of different theories as to why yeah or rather there's many different factors uh firstly it's that it's quite boggy around dunkirk it's not good for tanks yeah a bit of a sticky wicket uh secondly goering is wants the luffafa to destroy the bf right and goering's a full nazi and the army's like not as nazi as the air force i think it goes in terms of how nazi you are luffafa army navy really the navy is the least nazi element of the sky nazis are the sky nazis right yeah c nazis are not you know yeah no it's a bit fruitier it's too fruity yeah also you don't want a soggy nazi soggy nazi what's that soggy biscuit soggy nazi soggy nazi is what you want to play you dress up as a nazi officer and those people come at you what everyone comes on me as a nazi and then i'll be the nazi you come with me and how do you lose or win or do i win i think you win because i'm in it right yeah because you're covered in common dressed as a nazi right okay so it's more of a nazi bukkake that i've so uh the other thing to mention is that you know the panzers have been on the move for 14 days solid yeah they've not slept they've just been taking meth every day lights coming in through the curtains yeah i mean they're like can we can we guys just have a fucking break for one second yeah has everything caught up they need to refuel i think they have like well most of them are on horse horse yeah exactly i don't think they can wipe them out as easily as you'd think They're also expecting a massive French attack.

13:30Yeah, which obviously is never going to come. Obviously it's never coming. Also, listening to the podcast about it, though the Germans are far more dynamic and innovative than the British army at this stage, which is quite slow and lumbering, it is quite a stable force because the air, sea and army have good relationships and they all worked for a greater good. What, at home? At home, just in its entirety, right? whereas the Nazis it's very competitive because it's all through Hitler yes so it's just the Luftwaffe the soggy Nazis and the land Nazis they're all just trying to get the go ahead from Hitler soggy Nazis but they are competitive with each other so they're not actually helping each other they don't mind if the other one gets fucked what's the worst type of Nazi is it like a space Nazi or a kind of space Nazi is too powerful we didn't get we never got to see space Nazis again if we sorry if we Freudian slip there if they this is a history podcast hosted by Nazi apologies that's the that's the niche well I don't yeah who is it which one of us here's the fun game um if if if they if they if they if if they had decimated us feels unnatural doesn't it it really does I'm really doing my best here I'm aware that I'm going to be tried by Sophie Hagen I'm going to send you straight to the Sophie Hagen I'm going to podcast courts if they if the Nazis yeah oh I hate those guys if they had wiped us out yeah then maybe hard to work out because you're so used to not having cameras on and I know I know I've gone all coy then we might they might have developed space Nazis that we would have gone oh horrible ugh gross I hate that god fascinating though what would they look like what would they have done what swastikas on a swastikas on the moon the dark side of the moon turn around it's just a battle of swastika hate that imagine the moon landing but it's a swastika yeah I'd hate that yeah awful that would be rubbish seeing stormtroopers who actually look like stormtroopers I mean Darth Vader is kind of you know it's all the Nazi aesthetic isn't it Star Wars yeah I guess it is that is literally space Nazis so yeah we never got to see space Nazis uh i i don't know if they would have been any worse than one of the great what ifs underwater nazis aqua nazis the soggy nazis which is surface yeah aqua nazis less powerful that nazis don't i don't think nazis belong in the water really no they're land animals yeah yeah yeah anyway so whatever for whatever reason uh i think it's also well this is quite funny in 1945 when the game's up and uh hitler says to like churchill uh i don't know why you're trying to attack germany and invade germany when i didn't i was like gave you a sporting chance at dunkirk oh really he said that he was like yeah i decided not to destroy you actually because i was like well it's not cricket is it didn't there's an element of that no no because the person who started that was hitler in in february 45 which is the most backed into a corner anyone's ever been yeah but do you not think so he did respect the british and he didn't want to necessarily destroy the british he wanted a sort of saxon partnership well there's that's that's a conspiracy theory that he saw racial parity between the two and wanted their empire conspiracy well it is started by hitler in 45 so um you have to take it with a pinch of salt for the scoop of sauerkraut you must take what hitler says in february 45 with a scoop of sauerkraut what was the saying i was going on uh yes he was quite busy at the time um quite stressed i'd say he had there is a i'd say he had burnout yeah nowadays down psychologists would call it burnout come down february 45 yeah he's like i'm not enjoy you know i'm not enjoying my work as much as i was and i'm struggling sleeping he saw himself as a great historical figure napoleon hannibal alexander the great right but what's interesting about him as a military leader is he was kind of terrible as a military leader he's guessing guessing and sometimes he got right but the logic to his decisions is mad.

17:45Well, if you think about it, his great military success is the invasion of France, which, as we said last episode, we could have done that because we've just gone, well, there's a gap there. Let's go through there. How are we going to do that? Meth. Go on. Perfect. Done it. What a genius. This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that. but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step.

18:23Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. This message is brought to you by Apple Card. With Apple Card, you earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases like groceries, merch, or tickets to the game. Plus, it can be used anywhere MasterCard is accepted. No matter your team, no matter where you shop, AppleCard is here to help you tackle game day. Apply in the Wallet app on your iPhone today. Subject to credit approval, AppleCard is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch. Terms and more at AppleCard.com. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen.

19:02Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweet Green app. And he had a great war machine set up, but because it was such a top-down political system, it meant that he was in control of so much and all of his decisions were pretty terrible. Yeah, from that point onwards, yeah. Pretty awful. Even from the Holt order. Well, this is it. This is the beginning of his terrible decisions. In a way, yeah. it was the halt order but in some ways he's doing it to reassert authority because there's been bickering generals who are yeah because the three different elements of the Nazi military all hate each other well there's that but also there's some of them who are like you know because this type of warfare is very very new and they're like I'm worried that the panzer spearhead's gonna get overstretched gonna get isolated they're gonna be encircled anyway blah blah blah for whatever reason he stops the panzers and for three days and this gives Britain ultimately the space sporting chance a sporting chance okay are you sure that there wasn't like an element of this has all gone too quick the Brits I saw this as a big clash French they're always gonna that was brilliant yeah I love that but I don't want to roll over the British that easy or so it's no fun you think he was trying to make it more fun or just more like sometimes when you see a cricket game well here is they're like completely collapse it's like well they just didn't turn up I'm starting a test cricket game and this has turned into a t20 exactly yeah right it doesn't feel oh this is just like a anomaly where you guys have played awfully and it won't be viewed as us thrashing you but his whole tactic is i'm going to play t20 in a test it is basball fine yeah blitzkrieg is the original basball and you know what bas mccullum has done with under ben stokes is take hitler's military tactics and put it through an english cricket prison yeah anyway sorry to the women listening this isn't getting easier for you yeah now the 26th of may 1940 hit ball that's what i call it hit the ball um the 26th of may 1940 this is a bad day for who for us the british for we british for who hate the nazis this is uh this is a bad day so churchill's been prime minister for 16 days right king george the fifth the he's a stammery cunt yeah he declares the day to be a national day of prayer but it takes him four days to say that so uh he's missed it by the time he said it

21:39it's uh vicar of dibbly no no no no no no parking in the upper field so um this is the state of affairs when the war cabinet convenes uh they're expecting calais to fall imminently but let's just say the national day of prayer that's how imagine that now like nowadays it'd be a national day of islam prayer turn to mecca and pray fucking fucking imam sadiq the first declares a day of national mosque prayer imam starmer says right national day of prayer gets on all four where's mecca but everybody this is a crisis let's turn to face mecca come on this is Britain in 2030 oh Hitler back despite having the largest navy in the world Britain is still outnumbered by German air power German air power is still pretty strong because a lot of RAF planes have just been sitting there ready to go at some point in Belgium and the Germans have just strafed them and blown them up so the Brits have lost a lot of aircraft in the German invasion the French is being attacked by the Germans from the north and the east and a lot of the reason why the brits are less prepared because it does seem like we're also very unprepared was just because they expected the french to put up a bit better fight and we're just helping out look the great you know the overestimating the french we're never going to make that mistake again like it's clear now that you know oh we're allied with the french well we may as well be allied with a fucking bin i mean it's not it's not done us any good has it and you think paris is a bin anyway paris is a toilet france is a bin and don't get me wrong there's a toilet and a skip it's paris france paris paris france toilet skip yeah and don't get me wrong some of the edges of the bin are very nice where you sit from and look out from the bin right at lands and seas beyond beyond the bin beyond the bin by fin taylor travel guide to france beyond the bin anyway um so the the germans are not going they're not taking the toilet yet um they're still taking the pin lid yeah uh that they've captured a lot of coastal more toilets to find he's conquering as many toilets as possible yeah so they capture a lot of coastal cannon and gun and they're using these to bomb and shell the allied ships that are in the channel right where which is effect which would ultimately affect the evacuation route that the brits take because they have to do a bit of a weird like it's it's sort of a straight line from dover sort of dunkirk yeah but they have to do like a big loop a big to get around to get around sea mines to get around yeah but also there's a whole operation called d grouse is it d grousing grouting d grouting basically grouting yeah grounds when you i know what grouting is this is called d grousing which is where they basically take all the sea mines out of action what is this art of the war no no this is just before they launched right dunk at the dunkirk evacuation but because the whole channel's mind yeah i guess there's like do you think there's even a slight overestimate mating the nazis at times like the fear factor of how quickly they've done all of this yeah because they don't have a great navy at this point at all either the krigsmarine they won't be able to cross the channel that well i guess it's just about getting the troops across but once you have like even when the small boats start the boats start the boats start the boats nah start the boats now stop stop right we've got them back stop the boats stop them no more boats stop them anyway this is the start of the darkest two days in Britain's in Britain's history right again from a certain perspective so what's the the feeling is it similar to like I don't know like a World Cup semi-final on during it like the streets what you mean people have got St.

25:24George's flags out just people yeah but people and everyone's like are they far right there's like a quietness I don't know what's going on You know that kind of quietness you have when there's a hush. The Lord's Hunt, yeah. So we're losing a World Cup semi-final, and that's what the streets feel like. I mean, yeah, for Hitler and the Nazis, Dunkirk is like Southgate missing the penalty. Right, right, right. It's like, what if? Yeah. So Germany is Southgate, Hitler's Southgate. They're going over Dunkirk, and oh, they've missed it. They've let them go. The Reich has fallen. Oh, no. What could have been?

25:53Everyone is thinking, what could have been? Fuck. Terry Venables is thinking, fuck. Yeah, Goring's like, fuck. And now all that has to happen is they have to open up a second front and the Americans join the war. Oh my God, no, they've done it. They've done it. They've defeated Hitler. And look, there he is, devastated. Gascoigne. Watch his ass. Job is too big for him. Bomb's gone. Bomb's gone. Anyway, in the war cabinet, Halifax has... Halifax turns out to be an absolute fucking snake. Halifax has been back-channeling with the Italians for months. With a guy called... You back-channeled with some Italians once, didn't you?

26:27I did. I've just been back channeling with the Italians. Washing my bottom in a lake. Guido Bastiani. His name's Guido. Is his name Guido? I think so. I mean, that's ridiculous Italian name. Guido Bastiani, who's an Italian ambassador to London. It is hard to take the Italians seriously when all their names sound like pastors. Yeah, Bastiani. I feel they've undermined themselves. Because even the French don't have that, where not all their food sounds like a Frenchman. No. Do you know what I mean? But for some reason, the Italians, they've named all their food just they all sound like pastas yeah you can't oh linguine's coming john linguine yeah but then also you wouldn't have like ricotta stuffed kevin it does it only works in the italian yeah and just i think it undermines a little bit of kind of like seriousness so yeah so halifax has been talking to a big bowl of pasta about whether mussolini would broker peace to rigatoni fucking yeah giorgio rigatoni giorgio rigatoni um this is the closest Britain ever comes to doing peace with Hitler.

27:26Yeah. Because the situation is perilous. So what are you doing in this war cabinet? What are you doing in this war cabinet? I'm going, let's open up discussions. Let's get him in. Let's see what he has to say. He's a great public speaker. They look very stylish. I'm just, I'd like to hear what he has to say. Sorry, who are you? What party are you here from? Don't mind me. I'm from the future. i'm from the nazi party of great britain i'm from my name is vidkram quisling no uh so halifax is like guys what you do is you're ready to take over when hitler yeah i'd be like you're prepared to take take over the vichy government style no i'd stand up like when churchill's like we'll fight on the beaches i'll go well actually no we won't and uh hitler's appointed me as head of um great britain we'll make friends with them on the beaches we'll kiss them on the beaches give them a hug shake their hand um so uh churchill and Halifax start butting heads because Halifax has got this Churchill's got a massive head Churchill's got a fucking massive head so Halifax is out of it he's gone low centre of gravity he's a fucking boss baby this is boss baby this is when he starts to flex this is when the Churchill myth starts to form get Churchill's face up I want to see just what years of alcohol abuse does to you what's hilarious about him here is that he's probably about 45 yeah and he looks about 70 I mean Clarkson also can we get Clarkson's face up Clarkson now what is interesting because more and more hair transplants, cosmetics, biohacking, these faces are going to disappear.

28:58Clarkson is never taking care of himself in any way at all. He's like, I think he's in his late 50s. He's never done anything cosmetic. No. And this is what happens. Yeah. Obviously people say Simon Cowell looks weird because he goes too far the other way, but this is what Simon Cowell would look like if he didn't do any of this stuff. Is it better to look fucked or weird? It's true. You know, can we get Simon Cowell up and can we compare? There is, I guess there's kind of like something to respect about Clarkson just letting it all hang out. that's what I'd do it's you're wearing baggy shorts on holiday and your testicles have fallen out yeah you just deal with it I'm on holiday deal with it so I guess I could either look like I don't know what do you think looks better Charlie I think I'd rather be Clarkson I'd rather be Clarkson yeah yeah Simon Cowell is like a fucking alien yeah yeah it's weird man but yeah that's just this guy's like a fucking meatball no but it's fine if he was 75 but I think he's 59 yeah and he looks like that yeah anyway Churchill is probably in his 30s and he looks like a toad um so churchill and halifax are butting heads halifax is like i've got this big bowl of pasta that's ready to negotiate with us uh let's just halifax is like let's see what hitler's terms would be and if they're bad we'll refuse them yeah and churchill's like if you so much as say what you got for us we're fucked right don't talk to the italian i don't trust the eye ties as far as i throw them that's what he says probably probably i don't know but there's a huge there's a huge split in the war cabinet over these days and Halifax is like really losing his wrath so these are conversations that are happening between 12 people 5 people 5 blokes 5 blokes and two of them are just there on a day out the later ones are oh wow and this is actually the most thrilling part of this whole story in some ways yeah the political history is the yeah this is what darkest hour is about because there's also there's Halifax and Churchill go off to the garden where party gate happened yes the same garden the Rose Garden number 10 where Clegg and Cameron had their they're walking around.

30:48Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know. Doing their double act. They have a conversation by the shrubs. Yeah. And we don't know what it was. But when they came back... Could have been about literally anything. Yeah, could have been about the cricket. But when they come back, Halifax has given up and he says, all right, we won't pursue peace talks to the Italians. I'll fucking sock you in the... I'm going to fucking hit you if you so. All right. All right. Fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah. Go on. Do you think that Churchill and stuff knew about how insignificant this was? Do you think they knew the levels of like historically did a national day of prayer that's pretty serious prayer yeah that you're pretty fucked if you're getting everyone to say pray we don't get fucked yeah i mean that's uh that's a that's a hail mary if the only hope you've got is praying that you're fucked you are fucked please please please please please please please i promise i'll be good i promise i'll be good yeah you're completely fucked yeah so at this point on the sunday I don't think they've been to the Rose Garden yet.

31:46I think Halifax is still holding sway. Churchill doesn't know what to do. In terms of the military situation, over Dunkirk on the Sunday, the 26th of May, the Luftwaffe dropped 15 ,000 bombs, 30 ,000 incendiaries, hitting port and the oil depots. The port is now unusable, but in a quirk of fate, the smoke of the oil refinery means that now the Luftwaffe can't really see where they're bombing. So 27th of May, Black Monday, Monday of color. The Luftwaffe. So there's great deals on at Primark? Yes. People are storming through the high street to get TVs. The Luftwaffe completely destroyed Dunkirk's Harbor.

32:30At this point, it should be said that the corridor is narrowing and there are some, believe it or not, heroic French fightbacks. Right. Apparently. Okay. I stopped listening to the podcast. they threw stink bombs they farted into jars and threw them with the germans um halifax again brings up the possibility of peace talks with hitler uh churchill says no he says during the war cabinet if this long island story of ours is to end at last let it end only when each of us lies choking in his own blood upon the ground

33:10so the troops have made it to dunkirk the town yeah the germans dropped thousands of leaflets from the air during the evacuation with a map of the german positions surrounding the mall which is how the nolan film opens yes someone lifting a leaflet and it says um camaraden uh put down your weapons you're surrounded yeah because then the british like oh it's speaking fucking french what was this is Charlie's or something and they all wiped their ass with it which is quite funny thank you for the toilet paper I appreciate that well I guess they wanted to keep the sanitation levels high so they dropped lots of toilet paper sorry Paris is over there you want to drop the toilet paper over there the toilet's just down yeah you're a bit north this is a bin if you're dropping bin bags beyond the bin so on the 27th of May the BEF's 5th division lead a defensive attack, counterattack to the north of the town of Dunkirk to try and hold the Germans off.

34:09So now there's a bunch of like quite good Rourke's Drift heroics of holding the Germans off. And they're given the order to fight to the death. And I think... Do they? Yeah, I think... Or do they get captured? No, I think this is where Al Murray's granddad dies. Really? I think they fight to the death so that the British forces can escape. It's maybe like 6 ,000 or 7 ,000 British. Yeah, weirdly, there's not... It feels there should be more about that. Well, that's because everyone... Everyone focuses on the massive queue on the beach. Yeah, that's what's weird. And that, to me, is not the cinematic.

34:37No, the cinematic is they're all on the beach waiting, like autistic men waiting for the Bonnie Blue to suck them off. And then you pan, you turn around, and the camera sees all these tiny boats, and Jerusalem's playing, I'm doing those things. And then everyone's like, and Tom Hardy's flying over, and everyone's cheering. But 7 ,000 people are dying. Yeah, there's still people. Just like two miles away. Yeah. so the british military back in london launch operation dynamo nice um like the magician he's gonna go my best friend's my granddad he's gonna go over there and blow the nazi's mind with some slight of magic when i was getting bullied at school the only person who didn't bully me was my granddad anyway the british operation they send a magician to take a oh what's that behind your it oh it's an egg and hitler's like and uh what was it right right you know right you know black people reacted to magic yeah imagine hitler reacted to magic farty hitler reacted to magic and was like and then oh what's this oh yeah yeah i don't think hitler like magic no he doesn't Although he liked making people disappear.

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37:13And start hearing... Sign up for your$1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash realm. Go to shopify.com slash realm. That's shopify.com slash realm. This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. This message is brought to you by Apple Card.

38:01With Apple Card, you earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases, like groceries, merch, or tickets to the game. Plus, it can be used anywhere MasterCard is accepted. No matter your team, no matter where you shop, Apple Card is here to help you tackle game day. Apply in the Wallet app on your iPhone today. Subject to credit approval, Apple Card is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch. Terms and more at applecard.com. Right, so they launch Operation Dynamo. They get in the basement of Dover Castle, which is pretty cool. They're in a medieval keep, and they're fucking running an operation for a minute.

38:40and what they think they want or what they're expecting is that they're going to get max 40 ,000 of the boys off the beach in 48 hours before it's all fucked. We haven't placed any of this, by the way, ever. Oh, fuck, we haven't. 1940. 1940. To keep it Austrian. Yes. This is 1940. This is after Freud has started thinking about shagging his mum. And it's before Fritz, Saul has started shagging his daughter wife. Yes. Yes. Very well placed, actually. A lovely midpoint. In many ways, Fritzl is kind of like a Banksy-esque satire of Freud. He's a post-modern Freud. Interpretation of Freud. He's running with people's expectations of what an Austrian should think.

39:27Shag mummy. No. No, no, no. Shag down. Don't shag up the family tree. Fuck down. I'm going to fuck down the tree and in my house. I'm going to build a fuck dungeon. keep it all in house in many more ways than one um in many ways yeah i suppose this is the kind of high point of austrian yeah freud to fritzel yeah it's in between freud and fritz from freud to fritzel via angeles and schwarzenegger the austrian story that's the follow-up to my beyond the bin series where i trek through central europe you have a love of germans but the austrians actually in some ways they discuss they discuss me they're even they're even more intense germans even more german germans yeah they're more virulent strain of german it's the austrian it's a it's a mutation yes it is a growth coming off germany yeah it is it's why it should all be part of the same thing anyway uh so they want to get 40 000 of our boys off the beaches in two days they think that's achievable before we're blitzed to shit by the but this is um i sometimes feel like there's a lot of autistic british dads who they are missing a war to do this sort of stuff the amount of like i don't know people who go to mountain warehouse or like love camping or like have waterproof matches and stuff like that you know these kind of geezers british dads yeah the reason they're so obsessed with that is because this is what they've been built for and they have nowhere to express this organizing ferrying across you know the british soldiers the channel they're built for this yeah and it doesn't have anywhere to go that's why they put lycra on and they go cycling i see because i mean yeah they're waiting to be asked to do something like this they're great they're built for it they're waiting to stand on a beach yeah for someone to pick them up mummy uh so on the 27th black monday only 7 000 on on microwaves and you get an xbox for under 100 pounds uh and if you're willing to tell all the soldiers like we gotta get back we are missing out on some of the hottest deals this year if you're willing to pull a woman's hair out and kick a child in the face you can get a blender for 50 quid um there's the battle of leal which i guess that's like a uh b-day right

41:45yeah i call it b-day but they're just washing their ass in a little sink yeah yeah it's a bum sink for the french leal name me a French city there you go name me a French city name me a French city and I will name you a part of the bathroom did it Leon Leon yeah plug hole okay matted with pubes right Marseille Marseille Marseille is the toilet Marseille is the toilet brush Marseille has got Paris's shit flex on it and it's grateful for it well Marseille is the toilet the toilet it's the bin of the bin it is it's the bottom of the bin it's the bin juice at the bottom of the bin. Nice. Nice. What nasty.

42:29Nice is the little, so what you keep your toilet brush in, that's nice. When that gets that water, the little bit of water in there. If you go swimming in Nice, you're just drinking that. What about Saint-Etienne? Don't even get me started on Saint-Etienne. That, that's, um when you lift up the if you looked if you lift up the toilet yeah the lid of the lid of the cistern yeah that's in there you drink that water that's an etienne um anyway anyway so the germans have laid siege to this big bidet just north of the toilet 40 000 french troops 50 tanks are encircled by four german infantry divisions three panzer blah blah blah military history not gonna get bogged down in it but the french have planned multiple routes for a breakout but they'd already been surrounded by that time and on the 31st of may leil surrenders and the 35 000 are taken surprise surprise um they surrender and anyway 28th of may now this is where churchill puts his foot down and says halifax big stomp room shakes get that pastor out your fucking mouth we're not i'm boss baby do what i say put the italians to bed um the belgians surrender surprise surprise yeah which means there's this big hole in the defense in the north and the bf are now even more exposed from the north yeah so our good friend the autistic general bernard montgomery leads a uh the autist's autist leads an incredible counter-attack where he basically does something crazy to fit and fills the gap like travels really quickly to fill this gap that the belgians okay and this is what leads him to this is what kind of makes his name before Because he becomes the big guy.

44:16He's the big guy. But was he the big guy from the start? I think he was quite high up. Or did he earn his stripes? He was quite high up, but I think the legend is sort of made in this first movements. So the Luftwaffe are dropping the leaflets. When they should have been dropping bombs. Really, that's their first mistake, is that leaflets don't do the same level of damage that bombs do. The pen is mightier than the sword. Yeah, it's not. So bear in mind, they're trying to get 40 ,000 out in two days. And the first day, they get 7 ,000 out. and then Tennant who's this Navy guy he what is it it was brilliant Doctor Who as well it's not David Tennant Charlie I saw him in Hamlet and someone farted in the crowd do you know when you're watching a play no I don't you go to a play and you're like alright there's the excitement of people talking and there's that quiet and then you realise oh my fucking god I'm in a play how have I managed to find myself in this situation and you're like I'll just look at my phone and you go I can't look at my phone I'm not allowed to look at my phone why am I here what have I done to I should have known better you're always angry at yourself so angry every time maybe this play will be different no it won't it's a play you're thinking of films you're thinking of porn you're thinking of porn I should have watched porn oh no I love plays yeah I love porn that was what it was oh you're gonna see you're gonna see play I'd love to come to your play yeah definitely right you sit down take your trousers off what are you doing what do you mean oh no Paul, I thought they said Paul.

45:40Oh, fuck, sorry. I might just go and watch some Paul in the toilet and wait for this to blow over. Right, this podcast, the series, has been backed into a corner by the Blitzkrieg and we need to get out of it. By a farty meth adult. Stop farting, Charlie. Yeah, you're being cornered by your uncle on Christmas Day. Imagine having a farty Uncle Hitler. Still doing that comedy stuff. Have you seen that, you know, have you seen that thing where apparently you can see how sweet a watermelon is by how tight it's bumhole. Okay. I saw a reel where a guy was like the tighter the bumhole, the sweeter the fruit.

46:18And I was like, I'm listening. You got my attention. And he's a melon farmer. Sorry, don't slug him off. Oh, no, no, no. I don't mean in a racial sense. And you can apparently, you look at the little nut and the tighter it is, it means the longer it's had on the vine. Right. And so the sweeter it is. You reckon that with an arsehole? no no I'm not extrapolating at all it's purely melons I'm talking about right you're not saying that when you have a gay guy the tighter the tighter the hole the sweeter the fruit well that's a coincidence as well the young boys are sweeter if they've got a tighter hole anyway we're all stuck on the beach at Dunkirk and we've been talking about David Tennant in many ways what were they talking about on the beach to be honest I think we're painting a picture of what it was like It was like five days on the beach.

47:08Five days just standing about. And then you've got the Luftwaffe trying to bomb you. It makes you feel like you're there. Just talking absolute shit on a beach. I heard that if you look at watermelon and you look and see how it's tight, like a little boy. What else are you going to talk about? I don't know. Are they just sleeping on the beach? What are they doing? Probably, yeah. They're just pooing. Is there a bit of a beach that's for pooing? I think you poo in the sea. It's wartime. I don't think any sort of like... You're not pooing on the beach. You have to poo on the beach. You're all on there.

47:34You've got poo in the sea. That's crazy. Why not? Why? Because it'll just wash up again. I pooed in the sea and my friend didn't get in because he was worried he was going to get a pink eye. Well, yeah. Well, could you swim out a bit? No, because the tide is so shallow. So this is... I'm trying to get to the fucking finale. No, you... Sorry, you do... No, you shit like a dog. You shit on the sand and then... What, staring at you at all times? No. It's weird, isn't it? They look you in the eye. But they're a bit embarrassed. No, they want you to protect them because they're too focused on shitting.

48:04so they're looking at you if you're like don't let me down here I've always got your back and now you've got mine while I poo that's what they're doing they always look over their shoulder so coy yeah like a French girl poo would be like one of your French girls you shit on the beach and then like a dog you know when the dog yeah yeah you bury it you bury it trench latrines there you go people went to the toilet they dug pits right Glastonbury on sea yeah dig a massive pit all shit in it cover it up yeah easy Bob's your uncle it's just a fucking Bob's your father uncle. Brit's a broad package holiday, isn't it?

48:37Right. So they need to get the boys off. They've launched Operation Dynamo. Yep. But the problem is, is that the beach is too shallow. The destroyers, they can't come all the way to the beach, the big ships. So what Tennant finds is he finds this big thing called a mole, which is a breakwater. It's not a pier. It's just like a big, big seawall that goes for like a couple of miles out. A man-made. Yeah. and he goes it's not a pier though it's not to be stood on it's just to like keep the harbour still water but he goes do you know what I reckon we could use that everyone lined up on that and then we could use it as a pier to get the ships so that the big ships could come close is that a genius idea or I've I reckon I would have thought of that well again you've got the benefit of hindsight hey that massive wall why don't we just all go there I mean yeah none of this is actually that great do you know what I mean I don't know I can't work out what is genius and what's like well yeah where else are you gonna do it yeah exactly what the big thing that's almost like a pier yeah yeah do you know what i mean it's not no because it's meant for people to stand there while we're about to fucking die no no we can't because that's where that's pedestrianized you can't stand on a breakwater that's not that's yeah you can't stand on it it won't hold anyway i don't know what i'm talking about with this sort of stuff but to me i'm like yeah but this is the 40s isn't it it's like it's so obvious to all of us now anyway he orders the queen of the channel to dock 904 men are put on board however that's a ferry yeah it's a ferry but then it gets um bombed by the luftfaffa uh it sinks but everyone survives so it's fine um so it's fine but that's like the first kind of the glimmer the glimmer of hope yeah and on that day the 28th 17 ,800 men are evacuated because they now realize they can do they realize that they can do that but it's still precarious the germans uh the panzers you know the whole order has been rescinded they're coming back children first though right when the women and children are in the countryside in britain yeah but i'm just on the beach it's always women and children first there's just no women or children so it's what is it fat guys next i mean who's who's who's next i know it's walking wounded isn't it because that's how this is basically titanic with those only blokes on the ship right yes it's a sinking thing we're just it's gay it's gay titanic yeah so the end of the 28th of may churchill addresses the house of commons and says hello hello hi everyone settle down winston here i'm winston um there's no more peace talks with italy halifax is nonce yeah we're going for hitler fuck hitler and they fucking love it and they love it everyone's like because one of the big successes of duncourt more than anything is it uh solidifies churchill as big dog yes boss baby as boss baby uh the big problem with france and the uk up until this point has been unstable leadership a lot of indecision a lot of jackie weaver's cheese counseling red wine and this is kind of the beginning of like right he's in charge whatever he says goes yeah so in total on 28th of may about 25 000 men have been evacuated right but there are still over 300 000 beautiful british boys right shitting on a beach that's calling lily phillips as well now lily phillips bonnie you've done your work here but lily we're now pressing the nuclear button and getting lily phillips involved what will happen next in our final episode of this series we will complete the evacuation of dunkirk and see if will they make it will they make who knows who knows there's only one way to find out and that's to join our patreon where for three pounds a month yeah you get full access to series putrian it's a putrian it's a patreen it's a patreen it's a poo-treen if you struggle to go to the toilet and you struggle with chewing solids then this patron's made for you you'll find like-minded people who have nothing going on in their lives and don't like hot drinks so they have three pounds a month spare anyway join the patrons if you'd like early access to the final part of our series we're also going to get bonus episodes this week will be on Operation Sea Lion, which was the German plan to invade the UK, had they been able to.

52:50So we could do some more what-ifs. Some lovely what-ifs. That's why it's called a boner episode, because that's what you're going to get. We can enjoy the counterfactual thought of the Indian summer of the Thousand Year Reich. While fully erect. While fully erect. That's my business. It's quite funny discussing the counterfactual if the Nazis do it. It's got a huge reaction the whole time. Right, yeah. we get an expert on and he's just explaining it yeah and so what tell me what and so when would he have where would he have landed on the east coast would he have gone as far as Scotland as well wow I tried to think tried to think what would have happened anyway for more for more nonsense sign the patron but if not we will see you on Thursday for the concluding episode in our Dunkirk series thank you and good night good night