Britain's Shiny New Pacific Toilet | Captain Cook & The First Fleet (Part 2)

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1:58Welcome back to Finn vs. History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Oh, fuck. Part two of Captain Cook and the First Fleet. Yes. The birth of white Australia. Yes, birth of a nation. Naughty Australia. Oh, don't say that. Fuck. Oh, I actually met one once. He was all right. we're talking about Captain Cook who has been tarnished in recent years as being the sort of bogeyman but he said he don't cook don't cook but yeah really he's just a guy who fucking loves maps yeah I think it's time we re-evaluated Cook's legacy yes he's a good yeah he should be tarnished for being a dweeb and a nerd but not an alpha Chad colonist he should be wedgied not toppled but he is a map maker he's an explorer he plants a flag on Australia New Holland as it's known then and then he fucks off and never goes back yeah so he was just an accident right yeah he's not even it's not even a passion project he basically is like bagsy right bye and then he fucks off New Zealand probably he has more claim to than Australia right because he does the he circumnavigates the whole of New Zealand Australia just does one tiny bit he's just the east side of it yeah anyway but yeah Cook sticks a flag down then fucks off now I think he does maybe shoot an Aboriginal when he lands on Botany Bay.

3:19Maybe. Along the whole journey, he is having little skirmishes. But as we've said, he has worked in a grocer's. He thinks this might be a mushroom. Fine. But he's not doing what Columbus does, right? Touchdown, immediately enslave them, kill them, live them as much as possible. Yeah. He's going in, he's saying hi. If they're aggressive, he might shoot one or two of them. Yeah. Yeah, fine. By today's standards, he's not Greta Thunberg. We can't judge people by today's standards. Yeah. He's an explorer. Yeah. He's explored. You're going to shoot some locals. It's going to happen. Someone's going to get shot.

3:50Yeah. He's basically, he's the symbol of colonialism for the Aboriginals. But what then happens is that he fucks off. Now, we'll deal with the second and third voyages in a minute. But what then happens is that Britain loses America in the War of Independence, 1776. So that has been where we're sending all our prisoners. Yeah. Convicts. It's the beginning of the end for America. Yeah. It is. it's where they go their own way and they well just look look what's happened it's disaster fentanyl fatties disneyland marvel movies 9-11 you name it they fucked it up they've completely fucked it up they're begging to come back into british control and we don't want them and now you've brought you fucked it you've ruined it you owe us a lot of tea and i don't i don't want to go They do.

4:38They do. I have a lot of tea. I don't want to go anywhere near America. No. It's a bin fire, and it's only slightly less of a bin fire than Australia. Slightly. New York's nice. I like New York. I could not live anywhere else in America. I want to be able to walk. You fat fucks can't build pavements. They're just driving, and their fucking arm fat is spilling out of the window. They've got to open the window so they can fit in the fucking car. Out of the window. Genuinely. Their man boobs are spilling out of the fucking open window. it's not just the arm leading out the window it's half their fucking half their fucking ass is out the window and they're just sipping a sippy cup just fucking milkshake the entire time drive through restaurants they can't even get out of their car to fucking eat the fucking cattle anyway but we'd love to tour America yeah if you're an American listener please pass us on to any of your friends yeah we'd love to build an audience over there and see your wonderful country full of fat fucks yeah we'd love we should tour it saying we want our tea back that's a good name for a title come on give us our tea back and maybe with a cattle prod try and maybe we can capture the fatest people and bring them back to the UK with a net yeah we put them on stage at the West End like they did yes we should start a human zoo but for fat fucks don't make it racial making fat shit get some pastry chasers live on stage let's do fatest person in America come on Charlie we've done fatest baby all over the world America is we have done Australian fatest baby as well it's Michael Jordan it's the World Series here we go it is oh my word look at his legs look at his legs go back to his legs fucking hell but no one had ever been this fat they were complete pioneers and no one had diets like these who is who is this when was he alive this is John Brown and Minoc and he was he was alive between 1941 record as the heaviest human in history still weighing 100 stone at his peak ooh fuck so 653 kg I weigh 82 kg so that's 8 of you yeah Christ do my 500 pound life type in my 500 pound life He's got two don of kebabs there.

6:35It's the elephant, man. He's got don of kebabs at 10 a.m. Have you ever seen don of kebabs in the morning? Yeah, kebabs in the morning before they've been fucked. Nothing puts you less off kebabs than seeing them haul fucking John Minow's leg up into the grill before they get cooked. Look at this. This is what we're talking about. This is what America is. This is the front row of our American tour show.

6:58I love this. TLC, My Sixth Jouer Pound Live. It's some of the best content. No one does it better than America. i need a c-pack mask to pee that's how out there's this great guy who was in his mom's basement and it was like every morning he the only trip he did was upstairs and it took him 40 minutes and it was it was like the most painful thing ever yeah and then he would he would have four different takeaways arrive for breakfast and he'd be so excited that he'd be vibrating it's awesome right um that's our skinniest listener right there that's our listener in the best shape that's our most mobile listener yeah

7:38um right so anyway that's that's america but this is not about america it's not about america it's about australia who are slightly let that do they're not fat to be fair to them quite healthy aren't they thick though yeah well they're thick they've got shit lids they're himbos and bimbos do you know what himbo is no it's a male bimbo right so it's like they're they're better shape better looking they're jocks right yes they don't have much going on in their head but they do look better than Brits probably yes because they're healthier they've got a bit of tan but then they open their mouth and you go fuck that no absolutely not mullets shit lids neck tattoos yeah it's Himbo Island though they're just you know they are healthy though they're healthy and stupid in some ways physically healthy my granny my great great aunt was alive till quite recently apparently she was like living till like 108 or something mental and they would like check her for her breathing and she'd just be there like and then you'd have like a finger under her nose and she'd go, still here.

8:33She'd like kind of horror. Smell my fingers? You'd be like that under her nose. Oh, Nan, check this out. She'd be like, yep, I'm alive. To check she's breathing, you'd like put it there and then she'd like open her eyes like a horror movie style. You said put your fingers underneath her nose and she'd go, I'm alive. To feel breath. Right. Right. Not to like... Old Australian. Let's see how they're doing. You go and see your Nan, you just eat a packet of scampi fries and then you just fucking the soy smell. She'd be like, oh, hello. Delicious. Have you seen that advert that was banned for scampi fries?

9:01No. This is, type this in, Charlie. Fish fingers. This is an advert that was banned for scampi fries where a guy and a girl are at a house party and the girl sort of beckers him to the toilet and he's with his mates. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they go to the toilet and she goes, no, I don't want to fuck you. So he goes into the bedroom and quickly to pack it a scampi fries. Then goes back to his mates and is like, yeah, man, check this out. And they smell their fingers. And then that's the end of the advert. What's the sales pitch? Well, it's like you're obviously not going to get laid.

9:29So if I get some scampi fries and you make something happy, play it. It's crazy. I love this. What's the mad men pitch for this campaign? Okay. We've got, we've got a crisp that smells like puss. How do we smell it? He's brilliant. To drunk men. Yeah. Here we go. So he's going to try it. He's going to the bathroom. She's like, no, thanks. So he's cucked. So he goes, right. I've got an idea into the bedroom. Smash a packet of scampi fries. Yeah. Goes back. And then he's like, hey boys, check this out the sweetest smell of success I do love scambi fries yeah they're great brilliant beer snack I think that's why they taste nice it's a primal straight urge to have fanny fingers because they taste like pub pub yeah pub pub fries when it's date night we get home yeah I'll have a packet of scambi fries please love two packets of scambi fries pint of lager alright pint of a bit of a packet of scambi fries would you my wife hates that oldest Australian oh Christ Ken Weeks 112 112 nah he's got he's got fuck all yeah Florida how old is Ethel 113 118 I thought 119 or is she trying to get to 119 oh she is like 117 116 I think Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade electrolytes zero sugar and vitamins Propel Hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self.

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11:38Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue, and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

12:15Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. um anyway so the point is uh america is no longer the place for britain's uh fucking waste right it's no longer our sewer yeah uh it's its own sewer well done to them brilliant it's a fatberg they blocked their own sewer they put they poured oil down the drain that's why the titanic sank we covered this it hits america which is a fatberg anyway now uh so in 1776 britain has a prison crisis because it's just been banging anyone up uh and juries are getting i mean this is the kind of entering into the golden age of prisons almost the victorian prison yeah if you're not inside i'd say to be a prisoner it's not but this is kind of the birth of modern prisons like victorian prison yeah we're getting towards the victorian age i suppose we're not quite there yet but um this is the late sorry we should say this is the late 18th century would you like to place this for right late 18th centuries so this is bedbound listeners with the c-pat mask on yeah this is um so the first fleet is 1788 that's 1788 so this is uh before after the invention of uh before the invention of scampi fries right yes charlie can you google where scampi fries were invented i'm thinking the 60s yeah fuck world war one Wow, crazy.

13:42And after the first mention of fingering in any form of literature. Any form of literature. That's... It's an ambitious shot, that. Sexual fingering. Fingering, fanny, and literature. Fingering, fanny, and literature. Do we have anything like that? 17... 1830s. Oy. Propagation of... No, no, 1748. Fanny Hill. So, yeah, it's before ordering a packet of scampi fries in its original term. and it's after the concept of fingering has kind of come into you know now it's bad time for if you're a prisoner in Britain because they can't send you to our sewer which is America so they then just basically the prisons are overcrowded juries are getting a bit more squeamish about the death penalty so is the space in America and Australia like the gooch because like America's some stinky balls and Australia's an arsehole and that sort of the nine month voyage to the arsehole where's the fanny?

14:38Britain where's the fanny? he likes that yeah We're the packet of scampi fries. Right. Yeah. Okay. And Australia is the pub toilet. I don't know. Yeah. She's running out of rope. So the prisons are crowding. Now, they have these big ships that they have old ships on the Thames called hulks that they just shove prisoners in and everyone's dying because disease is awful. And, you know, I think they're old slave ships and stuff. So these aren't working. They're overcrowding. Everyone's dying. this is the start of maybe you know there's some outlandish thought that maybe prison should be um correctional yes the beginning of reformist redeemable as people now in the mid 1780s with all this stuff going on britain has an idea it takes up a list of different uh places to replace america for sending all their their dirty waste uh one of them it considers as west africa around gambia and they send people there uh in i don't know 1786 maybe and it does not go well so i say pretty much everyone dies of malaria fine and there's no one they don't send any real like none of the crops they send take fine they don't send any kind of engineers but it's funny to me that west africa was nearly australia yeah why are you giddy yeah uh why are you gay uh that was nearly that was nearly the gambia which funny would have been south africa basically wouldn't it yes i suppose it would have been west south africa anyway so the african experiment is ultimately unsuccessful now there's a guy joseph banks experiment the african experiment that sounds a bit fruity though yeah uh live aid uh now uh i think joseph banks uh he was also as a polymath he was head of the african society right uh which i'm lobbying for membership currently it's a shame that you you don't still have um colonial societies some people going for so house i'm going for african society membership hello i'm an amateur phrenology i've got my skull my skull size badge one i'd like to join please i think i think there's something going on here yeah yeah yeah i don't want some house membership uh much more to my type of people in the african society.

16:54Joseph Banks goes, fair fucks, that's not going to work. So he, having been to Australia with Cook, he advocates for a penal settlement at Botany Bay because he's like, there's loads of plants. The people are sort of, they're not really, they're not that bothered, it seems. They're closer to trees in my mind. So he decides that a penal colony in New South Wales will relieve pressure on British prisons. But how serious is the crimes that these people have committed? Because it's like sealing a loaf of bread, you can end up in Australia. It's basically just being poor i don't think it's that what is it the free the flora and fauna thing why are they why are they saying they're flowers it's not that they're legally there's no legal text that says aboriginals are are flora and fauna but they might as well be the way they're being treated they were genuinely they were the the government departments responsible for dealing with them were the environment department remember this is the enlightenment so a lot of very advanced ideas of freedom liberty but basically how they get around that is they just don't freedom liberty and humanity for me for me yeah not for you you're a plant it's very funny a period where it's radical new ideas about freedom yeah but applied only to me man is created as a free thinking no not you you're a tree i'm a man it's very funny plant is crazy and also i was late last night my wife was watching selling sunset and i was reading a 19th century phenology paper on the aboriginals oh yeah because you can find anything online these days fuck me spicy stuff some good stuff yeah they basically um they they uh i can't remember what his name was stafford someone um renowned phenologist ethnologist uh he saw the the fuegans the terra del fuegans and the aboriginals right at the bottom of the racial hierarchy and he called them a doomed race so he said that because they're so far behind in his words uh they will die out and they'll basically...

18:45And how will they die out? Well, he said by drinking themselves to death. Right. But then it's like, who's given the liquor? Oh, we will. We'll give them all the booze and we'll give them smallpox and then that'll be the end of them. Anyway, so bear in mind, I just want to put a pin in it. Cook plants a flag on these coast of Australia and never goes there again. So he's there for fucking seven weeks. Yeah, and he gets all the shit. And he's off. So Joseph Banks goes, I've been to Botany Bay. It's nice. I reckon you could start a penal colony there. So then there's a guy called Arthur Phillip, Governor Phillip.

19:18He's appointed governor of the new colony. So he's the first Australian governor, really? Governor of New South Wales. I think so. Sort of. Now, he commands the first fleet. First Australian, maybe, Arthur Phillip. No, because he's not a convict. Right. He's a British man. He's a caretaker manager. Sure. He's Neil Warnock. Yeah. So he sends the first fleet from Portsmouth, very appropriate. Yeah. Portsmouth to Australia two Royal Navy vessels three store ships six convict ships about 1500 people friendship the friendship is there oh no the unsinkable now 48 % people 48 people died on route which is about 3 % of the total no you take that I guess it's a numbers game they arrive on the 18th of January 1788 they reach Botany Bay but Philip finds the site unusable so then sails a bit up into what's now Sydney Cove on the 26th of January lands that is Australia Day which is a big big flashpoint in Australia.

20:14Like Columbus Day. Yeah, there's now a move to call it Survival Day, which is where the Aboriginal and the Torres Strait Islanders, they celebrate the fact they're still here. It's a bit of a bummer though, if you're white. Yeah, it's not quite as catchy, I suppose. We're here, just, you know, that's the - What I can't work out about Australia is it feels like it's the least woke and woke country at the same time. They're grappling with this history, but they're also viciously racist. that's why though isn't it the backlash the inverse will be stronger where the so there's a lot of Australians saying this it's also so recent yeah yeah yeah but it's so recent because you have to remember Australia is five cities yeah right so Melbourne is probably the wokest place on earth right because the country where it is is fucking the least woke it's fucking shit lids wife beating drinking cans of castle main throwing it you know what I mean where do you think the nastiest cunts in Australia are they Alice Springs Darwin it's all all those places yeah if you're backpacking around there you're getting your head kicked in you're done you don't want to be in the outback yeah these are some of the crustiest white people on earth yeah yeah as far removed from the indigenous white you know center as possible no no this is like you know it's like rapey israel these people you know it's bad vibes what does that make israel then i consent to israel no i mean if if um if this is rapey israel then what's Israel?

21:37No, I mean, there's just... Feminist Israel, I don't know. I don't know. Australians are famously misogynist. Right. And I don't know what... Would you say maybe problematic Israel? Yes, I would say that. I'd say... Israel, if it was problematic. Yeah. If you can imagine that world. Israel, if there was any problem with its founding. Yeah. It's Israel on stolen land. That's what it is. That's what Australia is. Yeah. Anyway. uh so the fleet land at uh what's now sydney and philip now supposedly there's a massive orgy when they open the ship with who themselves they all spill out there's prisoners all smoke no there's women on there as well naughty women and babies now this is um written up in newspapers in in britain so it could be just tabloid tmz right separate boat for women but i I like to imagine supposedly the apocryphal first landing they all land on the beach and they've been at sea for what is it eight nine months how long's the journey nine months ten months something like that they all spill out the orgy that never stopped they just start exactly stop it lads it's 2025 you're still fucking each other on a beach it's the original shrimp and a barbie that's if you were there lobster I reckon they've got no I tell you what your cock is it's a bay bug.

23:03Go on. What's a bay bug? Is that like quite a normal sized? It's a slightly bigger prawn. It's like a crayfish. Yeah. Australian crayfish. Let's have a look at how big that is. Bigger than a It's not a micro penis but it's not a Alright. Yeah. I'll take that. A shrimp is a micro I don't think I'm going to get better than that. A shrimp is a micro penis and then a langoustine is an average penis and a bay big is slightly smaller than a langoustine I'd imagine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'll take that. Take it. Both hands. Snap your hands off for that. This is the biggest crustacean. Japanese spider crab.

23:36They're amazing. Whoa, it's a scale with a human. Oh my lord. It's definitely not that. No, that's crazy. He's in a hot tub with a crab. What's his game? He's called Big Daddy. He's named Big Daddy. Big Daddy crab. With a baddie in a hot tub. Look at that. He's hugging a crab. That's fucking, that's weird. Crab hugger. Yeah, if you're a crab hugger, I think you've got something wrong with you. Anyway, so 1788, they all fuck on the beach. the original shrimp and the barbie Philip tries to set up this civil administration farming and he plans for the emancipation of convicts because Philip is a big believer in redemption and how prisoners are I mean ideas are swirling around starting to yeah white people could be redeemable fascinating yeah and they obviously they set up in a forest you've got to start somewhere yeah exactly they set up in a forest now that's not just a crowd of aboriginal people that is an actual forest.

24:33But maybe it's like, who knows? God, it's beautiful woodland. We're right here, mate. They land on the beach. And I'd like to imagine now, because as this comes out on Thursday, it's the first Ashes Test. I imagine that a convict, an Irish rapist, he looks at the sand and he picks it up and he thinks, oh, I wonder what this would do to the surface of a cricket ball. You know, it's the long road to sandpaper game, isn't it? It's the long road to just... There's a line. There's a real line that connects them. There's a line here to Steve Smith crying on the telly. Anyway, so the new colony starts to make early contact with the indigenous lot.

25:03And Philip is a big believer in being nice to them. Okay. The problem, it seems, arises when he fucks off because of kidney stones in 1792. Yeah. And then another guy called a different Philip comes in. He's quite nasty. Okay. And a lot of the convicts, the settlers, are then, they're fucking off. They're escaping, becoming bush rangers, which sounds like a slur as well. so that's Alice Springs how it's just it's just people have escaped Bush rangers are like outlaws or highwaymen in Australia right but bush ranger is quite a funny slur for a lesbian but these bush rangers I think and that's where the kind of settler well basically when Philip leaves all the colonies organisation breaks down and a lot of people start going to try and settle it's like bacteria start farms and by farms they mean Aboriginal people's land and that's where it all starts to you then get into like frontier wars which we'll do a whole series on because that's pretty spicy um and there's a little bit of resistance from the aboriginals but there's never a treaty signed which i think is the big difference why australia is so touchy about it is that with with the maori and new zealand and with canada first peoples and all that lot that they they sign treaties with the tribesmen there's never a treaty signed it feels like the relationship with maori is better than americans with us there seems to be more maui the british maui have a proper war and then them shake hands yeah but as in they sign treaties with the mao as in like they they think these people are sophisticated enough to deal with them as they would be like a foreign european power that never happens in australia they literally think they're trees and just treat them as such anyway so that's the first fleet that's where the the prisoner thing starts um it's that's nothing to do with cook so let's get aboriginals so maoris are polynesian yes right yes but aboriginals that's its whole own thing right it doesn't really there's not really anything like it maybe i don't even think so papua new guinea is more aborigines have been there since the 65 000 bc so they've there they've been great and that's i think that's why a lot of the wildlife the kangaroos and such is so distinct is because it has sort of it's also the oldest rock in the world all of the the geology that's the the oldest about anything okay anyway uh let's get back to cook so cook has fucked off he's planted a flag in new holland he's gone back uh to see his wife for the 25 of his marriage that he needs to see her for um this is a second voyage in 1772 now if you look at the map i'll switch the video for this bit he's he's he's really trying to yeah he's he's he does a fair few loop-de-loops around australia so is he doing tricks now yeah Is he like Tony Hawk?

27:49He's trying to get bonus points. Yeah. He's doing ollies off New Zealand. His second voyage is to determine once and for all whether the great terror Astralis exists. Yeah. Because he's found a bit of New Holland, but they assume New Holland is part of some massive continent down there. He's the first. This is in the Resolution, which is his flagship, and Adventure. And Banks was meant to go, but he withdraws because they renovate the ships. It's not good enough for him. And it sets sail from Plymouth in 1772. And it's got like an icebreaker on it because it's going to be going through the ice and shit.

28:26Now, 1773, January, is the first recording crossing of the Antarctic Circle. But does Cook now head further south than anyone's headed before? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is where he basically skirts Antarctica. Yeah. But he comes within 75 miles of it, but he never sights land. And he never... He doesn't discover it. People don't know what Antarctica is. no right no who founds Antarctica sorry who discovers it Scott or is he the one I think Scott Scott the Antarctic goes to the middle of it but I don't know if first Europeans to reach the continent around 1820 yeah so it was later Fabian Gottlieb von Bellinghausen some researchers also suggest that Maori would have been the first to see it woke nah woke nonsense woke nonsense of course they would why do you think New Zealand and Australia why are their vibes so different you know like New Zealand's like well it's america and canada is it not who's who they're kind of it's on a smaller scale the thing about new zealand is they're kind of like polite kind of um they're self-sufficient they're so detached from the global um culture society news cycle that they're literally you mention anything vaguely that we'd find spicy and they're like huh wow you know they're just fucking i don't really know what's going on they're like farmers and they're like on a sort they're like space junk essentially just floating through the planet they got but what the difference between them and Australia, I guess, because Australia is also pretty disconnected.

29:46Less so. But Australia is British expats in the sun. It's Benidorm. It's Benidorm for 250 years. That's what it is. Yeah. Apparently a lot of billionaires have got bunkers in New Zealand. Yeah. Like doomsday bunkers. Whereas New Zealand's a hiking holiday. The South Island of New Zealand is incredible. Yeah. And it is like, if you've ever been, have you been, Charlie? Yeah. It's crazy. The colours of New Zealand, like it's amazing. I'd love to go, yeah. My cousin lives there, yeah. Plus get around New Zealand, right? Yeah. There's no public transport. Also, the city's a garbage in New Zealand.

30:15But that's not why you go. Auckland's like a shitter, Birmingham. Right. Yeah. Shitter? Yeah. Wow. I know. And that's their main city. But coffee's incredible in both Australia and New Zealand. Though Paddy was saying when he was out there that they all talk about their coffee, but it's as good as nice coffee here. Like they say, they'll try nice coffee here and they'll be like, oh, this isn't proper. But like a wanky coffee shop. Australians have come here and bought their coffee. Also, so Australian did invent brunch. that's Australian culture yeah avo toast yes it was originally smashed avo and then they were like oh why don't we make that avocado rather than aboriginal anyway smashed avo anyway but we've because we've had a couple of Australians on the show McCann Jones McCann and the great cricketers whenever you bring that stuff they do get pretty touchy because they feel they're going to get in trouble back home they're so squeamish about it even spicy Australians are like I just don't want to no no no I'm really sorry yeah yeah do we have anything like that in the UK not to my mind we beat hitler yeah yeah no i don't know there's anything that we'd get really squeamish about no i don't think so no i'll do it again um yeah no they're very icky about it but then as i said when you go there you you do it is just a two-tier society right and but it's funny they don't really change anything they just feel guilty about it well they have there's a lot of like cultural signaling like the land acknowledgement but they don't seem to be no it doesn't mean anything no No, it's just an absolute disaster for them, Aboriginals.

31:44No other way to say it. Let's keep it light. So, Cook, second voyage, sails through the southern winter. Now, there's a bit of scurvy that outbreaks on this, which Cook's livid about. He's like, get back on the kraut, lads. The ships, the adventure and the other one get separated by a storm. So, Cook waits for them for three weeks at New Zealand. Now, when the adventure arrives late to New Zealand, 10 crew are killed by Maori in a violent misunderstanding. Right. Well, Australia is a violent misunderstanding. Exactly, the whole region is, yeah. And it suggested they were eaten by the natives as the search party reported finding cooked remains.

32:19So don't let them cook. Yes. Let him cook, don't let them cook. So they press on and they reach the furthest south ever by anyone recorded, I mean by anyone brackets, white European. January 1774, which is a new record. He's stopped by Pack Ice. Yes. He writes in his diary, my ambition leads me further than any man has been before me he gets gravely ill because there's no meat on the thing and he eats a dog another dog um second dog cooks eaten yeah um again canceling for that what is it charlie if we went back and we're on this boat and we were just chatting like how we chat now like what how long do you think it would take them to clock that we were um from the future well i mean you they think you're from the past yes they'll be like who's this person from the past wow this guy doesn't know anything who's this guy from the dark ages that's arrived i think the fact that we were talking mainly about scampi fries they'd be like who are these guys like that's banging if we said that's banging if we gave them a pack of scampi fries they'd be like fucking hell we're all just may not see we've not tasted this for Are we trying to, are we just like, we're talking now?

33:30We're just being like, do you need any help with the ship? No, but give it, Charlie, give it something. Charlie, give it something. Oh, it's freezing today. I miss, I'd love to be back home at the minute. No, but throw some ye oldes and stuff into that. No, that's a bit too much. You can't put too much on it. Like ye olde, thy will help thee with my jacket. You know what I mean? That'd be like, you're doing too much. But how are they speaking in the 18th century? How are they speaking? Are they doing these and dies? No, they are. I don't think so. No, winter is pressing. Winter is pressing. Winter is pressing.

34:02Winter is pressing. So they've got this sort of like weird Irish kind of there, winter person. So this is a quote from Cooking the Ship. They make dog broth for him. Maybe it's the original ramen, I don't know. I received nourishment and strength from food which would have made most people in Europe sick. They stop in Tonga. I'd love to go Tonga. Yeah? I've been Fiji. Fiji's fucking terrific. Love pudding. Again, they love pudding in Fiji. they loved canned fruit they love anything in tins that lot big fuckers aren't they big fuckers eating cans yeah there's a lot to like about the Vigilians yeah everyone fucks everyone again that the cook says no thank you I'm not interested I've got a horribly ugly wife at home he lands at New Caledonia which oh yeah this is where cook and some of his party eat a poisonous puffer fish despite warnings and then they're all paralyzed for a bit they can't walk because I can't think of anything less edible to the eyes.

34:57I went to Osaka where they do the puffer fish and it's like only trained sushi chefs can cut it so you don't get poisoned. Really? And it's this restaurant where the only thing they serve is puffer fish and we had it. It's terrible fish. So it's just pointless. Yeah. So we ate it and it was like I risked death for like a flavourless white chewy fish. It's the jeopardy, isn't it? That's what makes it delicate. Yeah, I guess so. I'll get my kit. I'll do a bungee jump. There are 1 ,200 times more poisonous than cyanide and one puffer fish has enough toxin to kill 30 adult humans. No antidote exists.

35:27Fucking hell. For a shitty... So you ate it? Yeah, do puffer fish dish. And only sharks are immune. I ate... Yeah, there we go. It's just a flavourless, chewy white fish. Right. Sort of like calamari. Fugu. One bad cut means certain death. Yeah, I mean, why are you putting this on your website? Many such deaths occur annually. Really? How many deaths? How many deaths? How many Japanese deaths are there from people eating fugu? 50. Okay. 50 annually die in Japan. so I now want to know how many people die from vending machines falling on them in America a year because you know Americans are fat and love snacks the Japanese love doing fruity things with fish and they fly too close to the sun both of them in their own way two deaths a year okay the problem is though if you're that fat that you're gonna die from a vending machine collapsing on you you're probably gonna be able to bounce the machine off aren't you you'd probably be able to wear it so there's a small Venn diagram where you're just you're reaching you're at the ambitiously fat the aspirationally fat when you're caught in that awkward middle face it's like when your hair is in the awkward middle face you're trying to grow it out and it doesn't look quite right you're not quite fat enough to really break through look at previous episodes of this podcast my hair was slightly long not as long as it is now yeah but you're desperately trying to get the fucking Cheetos out the machine and you pull it onto you.

36:50Is that what you do? I mean, what a way to go. Christ. Yeah, humiliating. And it's just as humiliating as... I mean, what happens if you're a chef and you cut the fish wrong and you kill someone? And how hard is it? I imagine it's just a poison sack and you just cut it out. It's probably really hard. I imagine it's really hard, yeah. Yeah. If 50 people are dying a year, that's fucking mental. Yeah, I don't know why I ate it. If you go for dinner, if you were going for dinner at my house, I'd be like, yeah, I've made fugu. I thought I'd have had a go at it. I watched a YouTube video. Honestly, ignore pufferfish you guys do.

37:18It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. If it was delicious, I think you could justify it, but it's just not. No, but is it not made more tasty by the fact that every bite you're like... The risk. What's the only reason to do it? That's why there's pufferfish restaurants. Russian roulette. It's literally the only... It's Russian roulette, isn't it? The only appeal is you might die. Japanese roulette. God, they love suicide, don't they? They love it. Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self.

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