Captain Tom, Garden Fox (with Pierre Novellie) | Monty vs Rommel (Part 4/4)

9 Jul 2026 · 1 h 10 min · 29 chapters

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In short

Part 4/4 of “Monty vs Rommel,” covering the Allied pursuit after the Second Battle of El Alamein, the North Africa campaign culminating in Rommel’s retreat and surrender in Tunisia, then the shift to Italy and finally D-Day and Operation Valkyrie (the July 20, 1944 plot against Hitler), including Rommel’s later implication.

Guests

Pierre Novelli (host/regular “Colossus” on Finverse History). No other named guests appear in this transcript.

Guest backgrounds

Pierre is portrayed as an encyclopedia-like history enthusiast who “cares too much about getting stuff right,” with detailed knowledge of WWII operations and military terminology.

Key claims

Monty’s resources and planning made Rommel’s position untenable; Operation Torch and the American landings in Vichy-controlled North Africa helped render El Alamein strategically unnecessary (though the hosts dispute this). Rommel’s defense of Normandy is attributed to minefields, “Rommel’s asparagus,” and Atlantic Wall preparations. D-Day success is credited to massive preparation (including rehearsals) and overwhelming Allied capabilities. Rommel is implicated after Operation Valkyrie and is effectively removed via forced suicide rather than a public execution.

Notable examples

Kasserine Pass (Americans’ early-war losses), Operation Torch/landing dynamics in French North Africa, SAS linking up with Allied forces in the desert, D-Day training deaths (Exercise Tiger), and the July 20 bomb plot (Stauffenberg’s briefcase bomb missing Hitler due to table placement).

Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.

Chapters

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Monty vs Rommel: The Recap

0:00 to 0:54

Discussion on the second battle of El Alamein and its implications.

“It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more.”

Monty vs Rommel: The Recap

2:14 to 3:19

Discussion on the second battle of El Alamein and its implications.

“Yeah, but those are the precious shorts that I've discovered.”

Analyzing Resources and Strategies

3:19 to 4:26

Exploration of the resource dynamics between Monty and Rommel during the battle.

“So it's this whole thing of going, oh, well, actually, blah, blah, blah.”

Counterfactuals and Historical Context

4:26 to 6:28

Discussion on what might have happened if Rommel had different resources.

“If the Americans could have been, you know, capital B bothered, they'd have just won.”

The Role of Geography in Warfare

6:28 to 7:28

Examining how geography affected military strategies during World War II.

“We're at war with France in World War II.”

Monty’s Pursuit of Rommel

7:28 to 8:07

Detailing Monty's aggressive strategy to pursue Rommel across North Africa.

“when did Stalingrad happen it starts in early 42 And it goes on for nine months, I think.”

Concluding Thoughts on Operation Torch

8:07 to 14:00

Wrap-up and examination of the implications of Operation Torch following El Alamein.

“And it could, yeah, it was also not long enough.”

Rommel's Retreat and American Struggles at Kasserine Pass

14:00 to 19:26

Explore the challenges faced by American troops during their first encounters in Europe and Rommel's strategic withdrawals.

“They haven't fought a modern war before.”

Strategic Decisions in Italy and D-Day Preparations

19:26 to 28:00

Discuss the strategies employed in Italy, Rommel's ideas, and the preparations leading up to D-Day.

“Monty gets tasked with going up the Adriatic coast of Italy, the eastern side of the hill, which is the gnarly side.”

The Preparation for D-Day

28:00 to 29:40

Discussion about the meticulous planning and execution of D-Day operations.

“The Russians aren't tapping into the Amdram.”
Show all 29 chapters

Rommel's Defensive Strategies

29:40 to 31:00

Exploration of Rommel's role in the D-Day defenses and the German troops' mindset.

The Role of Minefields and Asparagus

31:00 to 33:00

Overview of Rommel's use of minefields and other defensive measures during D-Day.

“It's a big stick that you jam into the beach and it stops landing craft.”

Training and Casualties Before D-Day

33:00 to 34:00

Discussion on the extensive training for D-Day and the casualties that occurred leading up to it.

“because that's what he'd done in North Africa.”

Training and Casualties Before D-Day

34:30 to 35:49

Discussion on the extensive training for D-Day and the casualties that occurred leading up to it.

“Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times.”

Failed Assassination of Hitler

37:28 to 42:00

Discussion on the Operation Valkyrie plot to assassinate Hitler and its implications.

“They planned for 20 ,000 people to die in D-Day.”

Gaming References and Shoutouts

42:00 to 43:01

Discussion of gaming culture and shoutout to Pierre's podcast.

“Surely if you love World War 2 this much as well.”

Operation Valkyrie and Historical Characters

43:01 to 43:56

Exploration of the conspiracy to assassinate Hitler and comments on historical figures.

Hitler's Paranoia and Mental Health

43:56 to 45:29

Discussion on Hitler's mental state during WWII and its implications.

Rommel's Role in WWII

45:29 to 47:12

Analysis of Rommel's involvement in Operation Valkyrie and his standing in the military.

“You're on the fence but you've got time.”

Rommel's Demise and Historical Narrative

47:12 to 49:12

Examination of Rommel's downfall and the narrative surrounding his death.

“That's why they're like, Rommel's such like a heroic figure that Hitler, he's like probably the biggest popular threat.”

Monty's Rise to Fame Post-War

49:12 to 53:19

Discussion on Montgomery's role and recognition after the war and comparison with other generals.

“So you're giving me a means of defending myself.”

The Legacy of WWII Commanders

53:19 to 56:00

Ranking and analysis of notable WWII commanders and their strategies.

“But also, what does, what's Rommel actually achieved?”

Montgomery's Military Career and Influence

56:00 to 57:36

Explore Bernard Montgomery's career, from his role in WWII to his post-war significance.

“More of a pen pusher really for Eisenhower.”

Monty’s Character and Public Image

57:36 to 59:16

Discuss the complexities of Montgomery's personality and public perception after the war.

“but as we highlighted in the last episode, he lives too long.”

Monty's Controversial Views

59:16 to 1:01:14

Delve into Montgomery's controversial statements and beliefs, including his views on homosexuality and apartheid.

“If anything, it's accusing people of not being pedophiles.”

Montgomery's Support for Apartheid

1:01:14 to 1:04:23

Analyze Montgomery's support for apartheid and how it reflected his views on race.

“In theory, you'll have your own separate but just as good party.”

The Legacy of Monty

1:04:23 to 1:06:45

Examine Montgomery's legacy, including his impact on the British military and his cultural references.

“He becomes such a renowned sort of British establishment figure that supposedly Monty Python is named after Monty.”

Final Thoughts on Monty and Rommel

1:06:45 to 1:10:00

Conclude the discussion on Montgomery and Rommel's historical significance and personal reflections.

“Monty just sort of, I guess it's a victory of autism over ADHD.”

Humorous Riff on Mr. Blobby and Stand-Up Comedy

1:10:00 to 1:11:18

Explore a humorous conversation about Mr. Blobby's satire and Pierre's Edinburgh Fringe performance.

“We did a big, we won an award for a big riff about how Mr.”
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Transcript

Automatic transcript. May contain errors.

0:00I get so many headaches every month. It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more. Botox, Autobotulinum Toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine. It's not for those who have 14 or fewer headache days a month. Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. Alert your doctor right away, as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk.

0:31Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue, and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. I don't think I can be your friend, Isabella said.

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1:44Welcome back to Finverse History. We're still joined by the Colossus, Pierre Novelli. I meant intellectual and also you're a big guy. A looming man. who happens also to be the biggest man I know. We're being thigh-mogged. For once, I am being thigh-mogged. No, I've got very small thighs, very small knees, and Finn's got big ones, but now it's like, it shows the whole gamut. And then behind the paywall, he's put his jeans up so you don't get to see them. No, exactly. Subscribers only. On the Patreon, we'll get his thighs out. Shorts and boys. Yeah. Do you struggle to find shorts? No, you always wear shorts, though.

2:18Yeah, but those are the precious shorts that I've discovered. Those are relics almost. I pine for this era we're discussing now of enormous big shorts wide wide shorts somehow wider on the thigh than in the waist huge yeah they need to be my waist is smaller than my thighs yeah me too I go out like PC Plot now we're in part 4 the final part of this epic Monty and Rommel series to recap where we left off the second battle of El Alamein has proved to as hit a second battle of l l main someone please photoshop uh it's rommel whispering to hitler yeah yeah a second battle of l l main and uh monty has a he's been there for three months yeah and he sorted out it's pretty good i didn't quite realize because it's monty versus rommel but monty basically just comes and goes right now fuck off right done yeah he basically does it in three months but with a lot of these things we there's all the glory of beating the nazis and all these fields of war it does always feel like if you break it down the allies were always going to win these things well this is this is the great al murray holland uh revisionism i don't and i imagine you're uh susceptible to because i i actually think pierre pierre would be a great person to have done this podcast the only issue pierre has is that he cares too much about getting stuff right it's a fatal flaw i said to you before um you really care about what actually happens i do yeah unfortunately but so do you kind of irrelevant which is not not really the spirit but i mean when he came to the office this morning he genuinely inspected our medals as if they were actual medals i needed to know yeah you need to know i instinctively stood to attention now so are you are you vulnerable pierre to the uh the uh hobsbawm argument that world war ii is essentially two factories racing each other i mean that's a great question are you vulnerable yes but But if you don't use it, then you won't win.

4:19Thank you. So it's this whole thing of going, oh, well, actually, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, but if you can't be bothered to do it, then you'll lose. What do you mean, can't be bothered? What is this like? Vietnam. The Italians. Yeah. Even Vietnam. Yeah. If the Americans could have been, you know, capital B bothered, they'd have just won. But it just would have been horrible. Oh, let's explore that riff before. What do you mean by capital B bothered? Like really, like we're here for 50 years. Right. like we're not leaving like japan night night bothered or yeah yeah they put more bombs than world war ii in the jungle in fucking laos alone so then if you had like a cadre of like fanatics as opposed to a conscript army full of people who've only just found out about weed and shagging yeah it's just like horrible to be there great music though exactly but then in the cut in the culturally in that 20 years life meant so much more way more it was pressure it became precious yeah oh yeah for the first time in history life suddenly meant something it matters when someone explodes yeah it matters yeah before it was it was irrelevant yeah yeah it was generally oh my Led Zeppelin vinyl yeah my dad exploded my dad exploded irrelevant brilliant yeah whatever congratulations yeah you're a man now yeah yeah whereas in Vietnam I guess it but even by that point a soldier dying was a tragedy when wasn't in World War II.

5:39No, but fundamentally, Monty had more resources, more men, more everything than Rommel. But crucial. Rommel could have brought, powered through though and could have been a mental glass. Here's a good counterfactual. Could Rommel have beaten, now, I mean, the first battle of El Alamein, which as we say is the hipster's choice, my favourite, because that is Rommel's chance, right? Because before Monty arrives, that's the real chance to break through. But would he ever have actually punched through the geography with that supply line? Could he ever actually have pulled it off and gone all the way to Suez Canal.

6:09That's what it's all about. Not with that geography. Unless the Germans, Greeks go like Palestine down, but then the Palestine, there's a Palestine regiment, but the Brits have, isn't there? Yeah. And then also, sorry, there's also all this fucking French, the Brits fight the Vichy French in Syria. Yes. Which I didn't even know about. Yes, yes, yes, yes. We're still at war with France. Yeah. We're at war with France in World War II. I know. Is it French people? Yeah. Yeah. Fuck me. yeah they're from the naughty half of france so it's all de gaulle like he managed to whitewash a lot of that we've got to do that at some point we've got to get b back on to do yeah we fucked the french up in world war ii yeah yeah brilliant but yeah but yeah i mean pierre's an absolute encyclopedia for the we fought the french in madagascar we did yeah fuck crazy i know anyway so yeah so is there a world in which vichy french come down through syria and pincer the brit i think Rommel could have got through the geography if he had uninterrupted supply lines if you just give him enough fuel he'll do it but he just but the fuel is going to Barbarossa at this point yeah but also the problem is always like the Royal Navy whenever anyone tries to do a complicated plan across the Mediterranean you just go yeah but the Royal Navy the Royal Air Force so no but also we hadn't yeah Malta and this set the tone for the rest of the war when did Barbarossa when did Stalingrad happen it starts in early 42 And it goes on for nine months, I think.

7:34Yes. So it's happening during this. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they're almost holding out for like, well, we probably won't win here because we don't have any petrol. But if we hold out long enough for our mates to deploy. Because Army Group South, the whole point of Stalingrad is to get fuel for the whole war machine. Everyone's bringing their own gear. It's nice. We've all finally out loud. We can say Army Group South out loud. Georgian oil fields.

8:03so let's keep to the topic though because we don't want to we've got to fucking wind the spit away from you so Monty in three months has Sam Allardyce Rommel fuck off Rommel is now in retreat contravening Hitler's orders and he's got do we find out how long the supply line is he goes all the way back how long is a piece of string well it's a thousand miles a thousand miles it's funny to answer that with like clear like we know we need to know because it's really important it's really important Rommel does Rommel does fight a very good rearguard action supposedly but he does he's not like the Italians it's roughly 1 ,100 miles from El Alamein back to Tripoli or Benghazi you and Burkheim is fighting a rearguard action I'm bravely fighting a rearguard action in Burkheim no no no what do you mean this is a chill out room there are four men with their fists up my arse now now holding you up like a trophy like i hold it like we held you aloft in your wedding day 1966 world cup win genuinely probably more than finn's arse so that was uh pierre's wedding yeah uh ivo and myself and one of your best men lifted you up as as the tradition is couldn't believe i couldn't believe and you won an iron man didn't you yes i did i got a huell sponsorship off the basis of the fact that I lifted Pierre up.

9:26The hardest geezer. It was extraordinary. Oh, man. And it could, yeah, it was also not long enough. It couldn't last. Listener, this episode of Finn vs. History is brought to you by Surfshark. What more can we say about our friends at Surfshark that we already haven't? They are the lone brave salmon who are sponsoring this podcast. The unsponsorable podcast, they said. Not Surfshark. The people who provide the best virtual pussy networks in the entire country said no. No. They are responsible. I believe. The kind of people who are buying Surfshark are the same tot of people, good people, who listen to Fiverr's History.

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11:22I am, right? Yet again, I'm a lone salmon swimming upstream, right? 30-day money-back guarantee, risk-free. God bless Surfshark and God save the king. I get so many headaches every month. It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more. Botox, Autobotulinum toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine. It's not for those who have 14 or fewer headache days a month. Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection causing serious symptoms. Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition.

12:02Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more.

12:34You want to impress them on a first date, but also play it cool. So what do you do? I'm Rufy Thorpe and I wrote and read a real love story about a hinged couple that navigated exactly that Listen to the free audiobook now Keep your data safe and we'll see you next time Goodbye Anyway, so Operation Torch happens days after Monty's victory at Alamain Yeah And this is the Americans arriving in North Africa in what would be, I guess, French North Africa Yes, bloody hell Which the Germans now, when, is that Vichy French North Africa? Yes, it is. So have the Germans control it? This is Casablanca. Yeah.

13:15The film Casablanca would be. That kind of thing. Yeah. They actually land non-Vichy French generals secretly and kind of go in and try and say, come on, lads, the Americans are about to land. Just fucking come over to the good boys. Be good boys. Yeah. And they have some generals who are like, like, no, that's dishonorable. And they go, okay, well, we're kidnapping you then. And there is a bit of fighting. But ultimately, a lot of the French do just go, okay. And is Patton leading Operation Torch at this point? I'm not sure. Because Patton is in Italy, is he? Patton is the big boy with Sicily.

13:55Yes, he would be, because this is the ultimate, the long road to Operation Husky. The Yanks have a bad time at Kasserine Pass. Sorry, go on. The Yanks have a bad time. At Kasserine Pass. They haven't fought a modern war before. Rommel fucks them up. Kasserine Park. So where's that? Is that Tunisia? I think so. Sorry, just to get the job to be up. Rommel has retreated from Egypt back into Libya, and then Monty is pursuing, which is the great thing that we didn't do in Compass or Crusader, one of the other earlier operations before Monty arrived. We didn't chase them back across the desert, which allowed them to regroup.

14:32Complacent. We sent stuff to Crete, maybe. I can't remember why. Anyway, this time, they're not making that mistake again. Monty just goes after them thousands of miles across Libya and pushes them into what would be Tunisia, where the Americans have landed and they're basically pinstering them, which I suppose, you know, you could say that El Alamein was pointless if the Americans were landing and they just would have had to go up to where Rommel was. Well, the Germans, Rommel could have technically broken through montesiline if there was a collapse from the british and then taking the switzer's canal yeah yeah and then you also have the french syrian yeah so then it would be one front potentially the sheer amount of men and equipment they lost is the point right because they could have if if they just waited for the americans to arrive and rummel had retreated in good order yeah we're talking i mean there's what 300 000 italians prisoners of war we disposed of it's an enormous amount of german prisoners of war had to leave so many tanks behind the ones we didn't blow up.

15:29That could all have just been shipped back to Europe. Where are these 100 ,000 horny Italian guys? Because that's why I'm worried. They are horny. We haven't talked about how horny they are. These are horny blokes and they're probably being stuck. It's like a war crime because they don't have escorts. Charlie, what have you Googled? How loud would it be if 300 ,000 Italian men cried at the same time? Let's get this to decibels. Extreme acoustic level, a high-powered gunshot. Close-range fireworks or a top-fueled dragster is 300 ,000 Italian crying men. Surprisingly little in a way. I don't feel like they've got a grip on it.

15:59They are Italian. AIO doesn't... What three Italians crying is like a gunshot. Yeah. And are they making the same noise or is it kind of a brain? They're throwing themselves on the ground. It's messy. It's messy. But that's the whole point, right? Is it attrition? Yes. So if you just wait for the angst to show up and scare everyone, then you're just going, oh, well, let's just allow the enemy to concentrate themselves where it's already hard enough to get rid of them. So, yeah. Yeah, so Rommel fights quite a good rearguard action, fucks the Americans up at Kasserine Pass. Do you know anything about what actually happened there?

16:35Well, is this because Americans are new to the war, basically? Yeah, they didn't quite... Is this their first action in Europe? In the European theatre, yeah. Yeah, like a baby deer just fucking... Yeah, well, they got a lot of tanks knocked out because they did just go down a pass and just got anti-tank to fucking bits. Are we in the territory of the first American foreign intervention? It must have been on this one. But we nearly are. Yeah. Not quite Tunisia. It would have been... You said it was in Tunisia, I believe. The shores of Tripoli. Yeah. You're asking about... The Barbary Pirates. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

17:04The first US Barbary War. Was it in slavery? Well, actually, it was actually. White slavery, yeah. Algiers. And so maybe it was about the same. Yeah, it was. They must have been thinking, yeah, we've been here before. So maybe 130 years after the first American intervention in the Middle East. But there was like quite... Or Africa, rather. There was like this mythology about the daring kind of... kind of Delta Team style. The Marines. Yes. So I wonder if that was part of their whole mythology going into North Africa. Now it says here in the script that Operation Torch renders Monty's victory at El Alamein strategically unnecessary.

17:42I refute that. Yeah, I think I do as well. I think the Americans at this point, they only knew, has the Battle of Midway happened? It has. It must have happened. Yeah. It's almost earlier than I thought it was later. It's quite early on. Yeah. so all they know is the Pacific Ocean at this point which they have dominated to be fair to me anyway so Rommel's Axis forces are surrounded so they basically just constantly withdraw and then it gets to the point where they have to surrender because they cut off Rommel's planned route of retreat so the 8th army coordinates with the Americans which is quite a funny story of the SAS boys trying to link like the SAS guys are constantly doing these like insane they're basically hardest i mean they're hardest geezering it in the desert yeah and and they're just trying to they're like following the stars and finding i'm pretty i'm hopefully i'm gonna bump into some americans yeah recognizing a dune yeah and they they stumble up there's a story of like they go behind rumble's lines and they like they haven't drunk water for four days and they're about they really know their feet are cut to shit and it turns out Senegalese French troops because they're involved as well.

18:51Yes, yes, yes. So they eventually link up. They squeeze Rommel out and there's some minor battles in Tunisia and then eventually he is recalled to Germany by Hitler in March 43 to save the humiliation of him having to surrender. So this is quite a long period because the second battle of Alameh was mid. It ends in November. So it's a good four or five month retreat. Eventually they're surrounded in Tunisia in May 43, which leads to the widespread surrenders and there's big old victory parties with palm trees. And North Africa is liberated from access control in May 43. Yeah. Huge. That's a big shit.

19:31A theatre has closed down. You love theatre. I love theatre closing down. You're like Bromwell. My favourite part of COVID. Theatre shop, brilliant. You know, again, baby bathwater. so attention to Rommel is taken to Germany attention now turns to Sicily and the now this was Churchill's great hope for liberating Europe wasn't it was going through as you said the soft underbelly what was this whole thing about why go out of the foot and why not strike at the knee was that whole thing about potentially go landing to Rome he didn't do that so I don't know why that quote he had lots of ideas Yes, and always in great sound bites.

20:15Yeah. Monty gets tasked with going up the Adriatic coast of Italy, the eastern side of the hill, which is the gnarly side. Yeah. So Avalanche, which is the western side, Italy's actually quite gnarly fighting. There's no infrastructure and it's all just rock. There is no infrastructure. In the south, it's just like the 1300s. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's still farming with sickles. The mafia, like... They just have sickles. My mum, I think, went to Sicily like a couple of months ago and there's this beautiful old theatre that cannot afford to put any productions on because if they put any production on, they have to pay so many of the mafia off.

20:53They can't make any of the money back. So nothing gets made. There's also, there's so many roads that just stop or bridges half built because the amount of corruption, they've been giving enough money to build a bridge, but the amount of money being taken by the mafia means that they can only build half the bridge because everyone takes their cut. So I imagine it's that sort of stuff. So basically, Monty has quite... Sorry, we did this in the Mafia series. This is when loads of the Italian-Americans. Yes, yeah. They have like a badge on for fucking Lucky Luciano and stuff. They wear like an LL or something.

21:23Yeah, yeah. This is the birth of the Americano. Yeah. We should place this. 43. 43. Do you want to do another placing? Come on. Yeah, you nailed it last time. So you come to any two dates. Operation Huskies, when in 40? Is it July 43? Is it summer? I can't remember. Before and after. Okay. this is after Bruce Forsyth's 21st birthday Christ he's just pulled that off the dome after his 21st birthday Bruce Forsyth is older than 21 and is he shagging a lot I'm guessing Bruce Forsyth was 21 during Operation Husky I think so Christ he was so old wow this is tight this is tight it's tight no how old is Bruce Forsyth in 43 he would be 15 15 so it's before it's after his 14th birthday after his first wank before he became legal before he became legal barely legal Bruce Forsyth you don't want that coming up on the old history search barely legal Bruce Forsyth that's fine and I guess that's fine yeah and it's so it's before Bruce Forsyth became legal but it's after no sorry it's after but it's after has he got oh wait I got one go on Charlie Charlie likes to rhyme them yeah it's gonna be something fucking stupid because it might be it might be no he's not so why would he be circumcised bruce foreskin i don't say bruce foreskin but oh right yeah is bruce foresight's circumcised there is no public information available well it's after he may have been circumcised this before he um yeah he became legal god it's messy it's absolutely it's messy stuff all right anyway barely know we can't know we can't know barely legal bruce Forsyth is around when Operation Husky starts.

23:11Now, Rommel gets assigned to try and defend Italy from the incoming invasion. He has differing ideas with Field Marshal Kesselring. Yes. Kesselring wants to defend the whole of Italy. Rommel, who I think is rarely wrong, decides that there is no point trying to defend the south because it's a fucking pudding and who cares. Yes. So let's just pull all our lines above Rome and use the territory of the Alps and the mountainous north to hold them off, which they eventually do, but Hitler doesn't like that and he goes for Kesselring's strategy, which means that the south of Italy is pretty gnarly fighting.

23:50So is Rommel in Italy? Yeah. Rommel and Monti are both in Italy. So they do North Africa, Italy and Normandy. They follow each other around. That's why we're doing this series. And then at the end, they came so near to just finally kissing yeah they never actually met would you know when the the nearest point they met so obviously they start in 1940 they they fight geographically the closest they were must have been normandy yeah monty goes up the eastern side which is they have quite a tough time going up the eastern side uh this is where pattern's involved and he does not like general pattern no we don't i mean basically italy becomes a stalemate when do they get knocked out of the war is it 43 it's debatable because you've got like the the republic of the kingdom of southern italy or whatever the republic of southern italy that the allies kind of make up oh yeah they want to bring all the italian pow's and and non-aligned italians into the war and and they do fight because they they can't afford to keep them prisoners they got from north africa some of them yeah there's half a million men to look after to Babysit.

24:53Italians. They would do things like send 20 ,000 of them to just dig an entirely new harbour at Scapa Flow in the Orkney Islands. Too busy. In Orkney. My gran would tell me, she was from the Orkneys, and she would say, yeah, there's all these Italians just having to do this horrible freezing cold, like pouring concrete and trying to repair Scapa Flow from when the Germans blew it up. Christ. Yeah, a lot of labour. But this is the, it's this division, the southern italy where the allies basically yeah they're they don't really want the new country to manage this is where the mafia becomes so powerful again it's because they just take over because the americans are whatever you run it if you're willing to say look we'll just make people go away yeah because we are fine with that and you're not totally well your supplies will be left alone yeah so rommel does uh i think he does quite a good job in defending the northern or the gothic line yeah line of mountains just south of rome like monte cassino and all that now monte cassino we'll get into that separately anyway let's well there's too much of italy to go through really but basically by early 44 they're both pulled out of italy uh because uh it's time for the the for d-day for the big push yeah from the allies to win the war in europe uh Monty is assigned as the commander of the 21st Army Group.

26:16So he's responsible for controlling two separate field armies. Now, Pierre, you have a very good grasp of like army terminology and scale. This is tough though. Compared to us and our listeners who are thick and smelly and sad. Very sad. Very sad. How big is a field army? It's a full army on its own. so it has its own detachments of like artillery infantry armor maybe even an attached wing yeah from a from an air force so when you talk about like monty's eighth army is that a field army that's a whole army yes yeah that's a field army so he's controlling two entire field armies british armies yeah so there'll be commonwealth commonwealth so this could be and then what uh controlling is it oh the whole thing he's the supreme commander europe and then And is Patton doing...

27:09Patton has fucked everyone off so much by this point that they make him not do D-Day, and his job is to drive around East Anglia waving him from the Jeeps and stuff as part of the pretend army that's going to attack Calais. They're making him do the pretending thing with all the inflatable tanks and things. Oh, really? They got so fucking sick of him because he went and he bullied that guy in the hospital. Patton showed up and was visiting troops in the hospital, and there was a guy there with, like, terrible shell shock, and he just started shouting at him. he started screaming at him and hitting him with sticks and things really yeah he went mad at him and everyone was like oh jesus even for you this is bad so his punishment kind of was to drive around east anglia saluting rubber tanks that someone had inflated that's very funny so everyone was like we've seen him patterns here and the germans were like he is too crazy to be wasted on the inflatable tanks it must be real we talked about this in the in the previous episodes in the britain at this point is doing so much amdram yeah yeah in the desert we're using more amdram than any other nation.

28:05No one else is doing it. Japan's not doing Amdram. The Russians aren't tapping into the Amdram. But these are our cultural skills. Of course. Autists. Amdram. Hobbyists. Big shorts. Big shorts. This is what wins the war. Charts, big shorts, amateur dramatics. Yeah. Navy. Yeah, Monty's autism. Yeah. I mean, D-Day is probably one of the high points of autistic preparation. Definitely. The scale of it. Unbelievable. I mean, how many... I mean, Dad at an airport scale, up yeah to infinity it's the it's the end have you got your passports yeah yes have you got your landing craft have they got fuel have they got maps are the maps laminated to protect themselves from the water you didn't need passports to go into d-day d-day there was no border control i guess there was these days though trying to fucking help trying to get trying to get into tannerie fingerprints please stay an amphibious landing yeah i prefer it i might the queue was probably was worse than fucking being shot out of a bunker genuinely disgrace the new eu exit controls were disgrace yeah um anyway so yeah monty they put because he's so meticulous they put him in charge of planning uh is it the is it all the larger is it all the landing areas is it an arm is it a field army per beach uh unsure i know he's the one who argued for much wider landing areas and and like a much bigger broader front as opposed to like a little or cove or something like he was very keen on yeah like spreading it we need to really land yeah otherwise they'll just push us into the sea yeah and fascinatingly it is rommel i didn't know this who uh he is tasked with building the defenses yeah for the d-day landings yes which is kind of a punishment as well i think because like a lot of the troops as well on d-day are like ost troops like like conscripted random eastern europeans and wounded regiments from the eastern front and stuff they kind of don't think it's going to happen yeah or if they do they think yeah well you're just a guy in a bunker and is this because the the the like the height of the wehrmacht is in is still in russia yeah yeah yeah there's elite panzer regiments like waiting to push into the beaches if they do land but the actual troops there like there's a lot of like because by the time they actually get to like they cross the Rhine everyone's a teenager and it's terrifying the book I read the Ben McIntyre SAS book yes depends what you're into I guess depends what you're into there's a barely legal proof of war yes I suppose there's an argument that maybe Monty would have really liked to cross the Rhine but we'll get to that but yeah I mean it's like a teenage German boy would come out with his hands up and then just basically fucking jihadists just blow himself up in front of and just take out Allied troops.

30:56It's pretty gnarly. Anyway, Rommel's asparagus. Yeah. Talk us through what that is. It's a big stick that you jam into the beach and it stops landing craft. It was disappointing when I saw Rommel. Yeah. I thought it would be more exciting. It sounds pretty exotic. I mean, I bet it's piss stank. Yeah. Having been on Speed in the Desert for 18 months. Oh, like engine oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, so that kind of iconic Save and Private Ryan opening scene with all the fucking... Are those Rommel's asparagus? did he come up with that or did he just I reckon we just shove a fucking shove some scrap metal on the beach make it really annoying but he also is in charge of the whole bunker the Atlantic wall but I don't think he's getting enough money or time or resources to build it concrete you need concrete factories could you build a wall on the actual shore build a massive wall that's a bit of a charlie question that can you build a wall on the beach just yeah i'm just trying to think if they could have done more if you have some time to prepare a beach it'd be interesting to see like the plans for what it should have been like when it was finished because it was horrifying enough as it was well i did also they didn't know that they were where was the main preparations where were they were they planning for calais what was the worst the very worried about calais it was the most point right the narrowest point and actually it's not normandy but there is one mega cannon or a couple that the nazis built you're gonna like a nazi mega cannon you know because by this point in the war it's the v2 era the nazis let's not forget have gone to space yes so exactly right the wonder weapons so uh there's a massive mega cannon basically just pointed at london from calais just route one just fuck off yeah i don't think they ever fired it i I watched a video of James Holland.

32:47I was having to go through a tough time. I watched a video of James Holland inside a mega cannon going, wow! That's a video of his wife. Amanda was out. Amanda was out. Please come home. Please. Anyway, so Rommel also oversaw all these minefields because that's what he'd done in North Africa. But he set all the traps to try and funnel the allies into kill zones. So I guess is this, you know, with what we know about how Monty beats Rommel, how does how did the allies get through like is it preparation is it the overwhelming naval bombardment just numbers sheer numbers resources is it true we talked about this maybe on another episode that monty's was so much into rehearsing it he rehearsed so many there's so much training for d-day and most of it was in like cornwall in terrible weather yeah more people died in the training for d-day on monty's side then there was an actual d-day there was some big disaster of his two armies there was a yeah i think loads of people that like 2 000 people died yeah don't something crazy a bunch of ships capsized the landing craft capsized it was a big like the weather was awful how many of you died in um 749 exercise tiger that's exercise tiger so that's i mean lime bay in devon i know german torpedo boats ambushed the convoy and friendly fire it took place.

34:07As a joke? What do you mean as a joke? Why would they do that? We were at war with the Germans. But the Americans are doing it, aren't they? What? I thought the Americans just shot at the English people. No. Because German torpedo boats ambushed the convoy and then they got confused and friendly fire happened. I misunderstood. As a joke. As a joke. As a joke. Guys. Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times. Your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks, and lists can easily begin to overrun your life. So finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything as a built-in business partner can be a game changer.

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36:20Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue, and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert-Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

36:51Why wait? Ask your doctor. Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. Saying how you feel out loud is terrifying. But that's what Hinge's new free audiobook, No Ordinary Love, is all about. It's a collection of real love stories about five couples that met on Hinge. The stories are written and read by Tembi Dinton Hurst, Nicola Dynan, Curtis Garner, Raven Smith, and Rufy Thorpe. I, Hunter Harris, wrote and read the foreword. The audiobook's out now. Give it a listen. It's preparation. It's a huge naval bombardment. It's the airborne aspect. Yeah. Surprise. French resistance.

37:36They planned for 20 ,000 people to die in D-Day. They just said, look, probably this. And only a quarter of that dead. Really? Is it only 4 ,000 allies dying? About that, yeah. Wow. It's less than you think. More casualties, but I think that's deaths. Yeah. The worst one was that Omaha Beach, Sam Bryant Ryan. Is that the most cinematic? I think a lot of them are actually fine. Yeah, because we don't see the other ones. Omaha Beach is all the video games, everything. There was one of them, maybe it was Sword or Gold. It was one of the Commonwealth ones where, you know those like French... Canadians got a bit fucked up, didn't they?

38:07The Canadians had a bad time at Juno Beach. That was not nice. They had to really employ flamethrowers to get through that. But there was one... I'm not really apologising while they do it as well. Employ flamethrowers. These are the hockey Canadians. We need to employ flamethrowers. These are the hockey Canadians. Right, okay. yeah fucking hordger yeah just further going full full ice rink yeah um there we there was one where you see photos of it and like there's german machine gun emplacements and stuff but it's one of those french seaside towns where it's like beach the road all the buildings yeah like there's no gap at all and so it's weird you're like attacking on a beach immediately into a town with all like the signs that you get from video games of like whatever bernard's cafe or whatever a casino or something.

38:49I think I prefer that. Yeah, I think so, rather than the bunker thing. So Rommel is basically running the defenses, but obviously D-Day's a success for the Allies. They establish a bridgehead. Careful, ladies, careful. Now, Rommel, at some point, he's in the south of France. This is what maybe is this, is this later in June? Oh, it's in July. so um he's in the south of france and he gets critically wounded uh by his car gets strafed by allied aircraft the driver dies um he's basically taken out of the war so he's you'd want to know if you were the pilot that you fucking got shot rumble but he's still alive right but then we get to uh one of the most devastating moments of the war operation valkyrie this is treachery treachery treachery beyond belief right a bunch of snakes you're all hitler on facebook live you're all snakes yeah um just posting uh days like today you know who your real friends are everyone commenting hope you're okay babes yeah uh July the 20th, 1944.

40:07Now, as we mentioned in the first episode, the German military had this sort of Prussian aristocratic heritage. And so a lot of these conservative, conservative, all those Prussians who basically saw the oncoming collapse that Germany would have and were like, we've got to assassinate Hitler and overthrow the Nazis. These are German Telegraph readers. Yes, and they're not Nazis. And they never liked Hitler. No. They called him a bohemian corporal. As in from Bohemia. Not a really cool corporal. He's a hippie. He's been to India. He's got beads for a door.

40:47Adolf Hitler's Lonely Hearts. That album he released. Yeah, Adolf Hitler's Lonely Hearts Club. He's playing a sitar. Beautiful sitar. Anyway, he's burning incense. Holocorma. He's burning many things. Holocorma. Thank you, Charlie. Yeah. She's deflated Pierre. Punched him. Now, a bunch of officers, what's one of them called? I've forgotten. Can you remember the name of it? Von Stauffenberg. That's the main one. Stauffenberg's the main one. Claude von Stauffenberg. A lot of Vons, because that's the aristocrats. Exactly. Oh, he's all the Prussian guys. So they have this plot to assassinate Hitler.

41:22Now, eventually, a bomb goes off in his East Prussian headquarters. They've got a comedy exploding briefcase. Basically, yeah. It's Mission Impossible stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. and I think does the bomb properly go off though it does but someone moved it someone moved it and Hitler is not in the room when it goes off so it kills someone doesn't it it kills one or two people it deafens and wounds a whole lot of others but someone moved it behind the table they're meeting at is some kind of insane like Bond villain reinforced steel table and someone moved it onto the other side of the table from where Hitler was and behind the leg and is that because they knew what was in it no they were just like oh there was some tidying yeah it looks like a bomb has gone off in here someone left a big clock inside this briefcase um it did make him deaf in one ear though partially deaf in one ear yeah and it's just tip away like a video game boss yeah you have to wait till he shows he shows the underbelly with a big ruby and then you you shoot that so yeah yeah shout out pierre does a great gaming podcast called oh yeah oh we should shout out if you are a video game enthusiasts which knowing this audience you will be.

42:34Surely if you love World War 2 this much as well. Pierre does a great video game podcast called Button Boys which you have a patron for as well. Yes. Yeah. We've just interviewed SNL UK's George Fouracres about his horrifyingly detailed interest in Pokemon. I mean you've no idea. Who's? George Fouracres. Really? Oh man. This is going to set off a lot of guys. I mean a lot of guys are tizzing out for this. Yeah they're rattling their cage now. You've upset them. Yeah. let's get back to operation valkyrie to soothe them wait so von what's his name von stauffenberg is von stauffenberg played by tom cruise i don't mean to aim the gun at you you're right yeah you're right he's the tom cruise nazi right and tom cruise in that film has tom cruise's voice right yes they've just stuck with their own voice and an eye patch and an eye patch and does von stauffenberg look anything like tom cruise charlie um is it close okay really that's i'm bet i think so i wonder maybe that's what he thought when he was about to get shot maybe fair enough how tom cruise plays me in the film one day he's a good looking guy yeah fair play um hot piece of ass now uh too sexy to plan a proper assassination now uh hitler you know von stauffen bimbo that's his problem hitler at this point what's he wearing hitler at this point uh is getting quite paranoid okay he's got a lot going on it's something to do with the war and the meth something to go on with the massive he's a hippie you smoke too much weed yes he's a bohemian he's bohemian this is manson era hippies he's charles manson with a swastika in his forehead and his arm he's like the government are hiding stuff from us man you had a joke about manson having a swastika in his forehead i did i think about that you know you used to get stuck with a joke in your head whenever you whenever i see manson with a swastika on his face i think of pierre going we get it charles you'll be you're unreasonable you're unreasonable it's such overkill because he did it once he'd been arrested yeah it goes to court and it don't you don't you the bit imagine his defense lawyer don't give yeah you haven't actually done any of the murders yourself so this should be an easy okay walks in with the swastika right okay all right it's great in a jury system is it yeah good one man try not to do any insane rambling though oh um so now operation valkyrie causes hitler to go on a bit of a um you know it's not his finest moment it's not hitler's he acts out he lashes out he acts rashly uh and he um starts but mental health hadn't really been talked about as we keep saying hitler is the canary in the coal mine of male mental health okay yeah yeah yeah you know he's the fuhrer in the bunker he's the canary it wasn't normalized men talking about their feelings no no and Hitler by this point there was a massive taboo he doesn't know who his friends are yeah you know no he's like Elvis exactly any number of other drug addicted very powerful men exactly it's either you're going to blow your brains out or you're going to eat too many burgers and die in the toilet that's all men have got at this point at this point those are your two exits exactly and there are also both my exits as well.

45:45You're on the fence but you've got time. I've got it. You're going to double whammy. Eat so many burgers big poo then blow my brains out. Yeah. The fewer Elvis double. The most honourable suicide there is. The adult Fresley. You're fucking wearing like a white suit with a swastika on. Oh man, the Elvis suit with a swastika on it. That's a real... Shouldn't have brought that up. All right, Banksy. That's a real Goring. I can imagine Goring and an Elvis. He was wearing a white suit. kind of but if you make it vegas elvis with a swastika it's a banksy do you know i'm going to be wearing an elvis i'm going to be wearing like eddie murphy get up on my tour amazing oh yes yes yes yes i can't wear a swastika anyway you're gonna have to talk him up i like you going like because of fucking manson did it first oh no anyway no oh yes because the moral thing anyway um so hitler goes mad and he says that uh he goes on the radio and says i'm fine but i am uh he says divine intervention spared him yeah and he goes on this brutal purge now rommel gets implicated in it because a one of the conspirators gets tortured and under questioning implicates rommel or maybe a couple of them they had meetings with him yeah now rommel did your thoughts was he involved they would have wanted him to take over because all the other people around hitler have the same problems that they have with hitler which is that they're mad drug addicts Right.

47:07And also they're not proper German officers. Okay. Rommel's more army than he is Nazi. Yeah. Thank you. 80-20. Thank you. But the army is a Nazi army. That's why they keep giving him shit. Fucking pedant. But they keep giving him shit jobs. That's why they're like, Rommel's such like a heroic figure that Hitler, he's like probably the biggest popular threat. Yes. So it's like, well, fuck off to Normandy and dig holes, you know. Yeah, yeah. I'm not sending you to the Eastern Front where you can be even more of a bloody hero. He's like Captain Tom. Yes. In so many ways. Yeah. He's the original Captain Tom who was, by the way, fighting in this way.

47:43Captain Tom's the garden fox. Yeah. I mean,

47:48admittedly, his blitzkrieg was a little slower. The Zimmer frame fox, Captain Tom, outmaneuvering the lawn. Trying to outmaneuver his own family by going round and round. No, I'll tell you who's the real garden fox. It's his daughter. That's his real garden fox. The home spa fox. She's the real rival of that family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, God bless. God bless Captain Tom. That's a good phrase. He's the Rommel of the family, would you say? Yeah. Yeah. Now, evidence gathers that Rommel is implicated. Yeah. But it's never really cleared up. But as you say, I guess he's the kind of Beckham. He's the celebrity of the German war effort.

48:31He's way too much of a threat. Yeah. at some point he'd have had to go do you think it was I think at some point he'd have had to go yeah but the way they get rid of him has to be seem accidental because he's so popular so what they do is now Rommel is recovering from being strafed by a fucking airplane so he is now he's set to be tried in a people's court which is basically a sham court where they would have been tried but Hitler realises that if you're executing your star military officer you can't kill david beckham you cannot kill david beckham david beckham it's epstein stuff yeah right because epstein was a national hero and everyone's like if you killed epstein i'm out it's like that is you can't he's the people's champion if obama kills epstein i mean anyway so um rommel uh gets off offered the option to quietly commit suicide yeah it's very ancient rome it is very ancient very it's nero-esque and also his name when he was fighting with Italians they mythologized him as being Romulist right yes they call him Romulito like he's a footballer how do you think they offer that I don't think it's really an offer I think it's you've got two choices is it using metaphors or is it like yeah is it innuendo is there any level of because there's that great who's the guy who's the gay guy in the spa and the night of the long knives oh that's true that was a room where they're like you know what to do and they leave the gun and they leave for 15 minutes they go back and he shoves it up his arse I was like, I'm not gonna kill myself.

50:01You just left without us. No. So you're giving me a means of defending myself. Yeah, what the fuck? So then they come in and machine gun him. You're meant to fucking kill yourself. It was meant to be cool. It was meant to be like a cool ending. Yeah. You could still be alive. What a way to find out you're not as convincing as you thought you were. Yeah. You know what to do. It's funny. He's just saying, what do I do? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You know what to do. Yeah. Not that. Fucking hell, Ernst. Christ. it's just strung up like a hog the gun's still on the table I don't understand subtext oh the gun oh right he'd not seen Chekhov no Chekhov's rope anyway Chekhov's flashlight so Rommel gets told gets told to kill yourself kill yourself which allows him to maintain to sort of maintain a military um he gets buried with military honors honors and his family won't be persecuted as snakes um they say it was a heart attack or something i think yeah so yeah he takes cyanide pill they said he died like stuma he rolled off of a jeep it's like a big sausage in his home peacefully surrounded by his family it was a big haggis with a grenade in it it was very peaceful a peaceful german death a peaceful german death his sausage case His heart exploded from overeating sausages.

51:24His heart exploded from sausages. Surrounded by his family. It's what he would have wanted. So he takes cyanide, but he's wearing his Afrika Korps jacket and holding his field marshal's baton. Which the thing is, I remember from when we did Göring, is that the higher up the army you get, the gayer the aesthetic is, I'm holding my baton while I kill myself. Yeah, little sticks and things. Anyway, then the official narrative is that Rommel dies from a heart attack caused by complications from the injuries he'd sustained in Normandy. Hitler then gives him a state funeral. It's a national day of mourning and it only comes to light after the Allies speak to his widow after the war.

52:04So it's covered up. I mean, that's one of my favourite things about being a despot would be to kill my enemies and then celebrate their death as if they've been a hero. Very much a la Putin when he killed Pregosian, you know, the head of the Vars. And then he sent flowers to his funeral. Very Game of Thrones. Sitting at the funeral. He was a great man. So Monty, after the Allies win, Monty becomes a national hero because I guess, is there another British general who even stands out at all? Not with this level of press, no. You've got Slim in the East with Myanmar and stuff, but it's not really making the headlines.

52:52I know so little about that, all that stuff. The chindits. It's cool stuff, but it's not making headlines. No, but who are the big British characters? I think it's because this is why this series is so absorbing, is that it's character-driven military history, and Monty becomes synonymous with defeating another character. Yes. Who himself was quite his personality-driven. The man behind the supply lines and jerrycans. exactly yeah but who's the man behind the supply loss it's easier to picture in your head yeah yeah you want to imagine a different guy you don't need the characters because you can see through it but you can read those maps exactly so you don't need it but it's a way there's a balance it's a bridge it's nice to imagine a guy with some visual branding going on the other end of the telephone the guy with big shorts and a flyswatter yeah he won the war he's annoying the guy with the weird little baseball hat with goggles on it the steampunk yes steampunk rubble yeah the big shorts beats the steampunk i understand the war rock paper scissors big shorts beat steampunk done rommel's clockwork top hat has been knocked off good i fucking hate steampunk um you love nazis so it's i'm interested in nazis i find them fascinating anyway yeah um but he's also he's the he's the autist who defeats the desert fox yeah and so and as you say, Rommel's the most, you know, famous, I guess after like Hitler, Goering, Goebbels, he's probably the most famous Nazi.

54:19He's kind of the one. Yeah. But also, what does, what's Rommel actually achieved? So I guess he was, he did great. Well, 1940. Yeah. Yeah. But then everything else has been a loss. I guess he did the best he could, but I don't know what is he, he wrote a book on military tactics, but those military tactics were, They were used as the Germans, you know, the German high point, you'd say, is basically up to Monty's arrival, right? It's when Barbarossa kicks off and at the same time, Rommel has pushed the Brits all the way up to basically Alexandria. That's the high point of the whole war for Germany.

54:59And that's all been based off Rommel's, he's the personification of the tactics they've used to do that. And they think Barbarossa will be over in two months. And Rommel's not involved in Barbarossa. No, because he's in North Africa. And the tactics that Rommel was using, a prefigure, the tactics that we're still trying to use now, where the German training was like, you had to be able to do the job of the guy one rank above you and one rank below you. Right. So there was never a moment where anyone knew, where everyone, there was never a moment where no one knew how to load a thing or do a thing.

55:29And it was all based on decisions on the ground, use your initiative. Yeah. Which they were doing that first. Yes. It's lack of resources, really. If you'd given that guy enough fuel. Yeah. I mean, God knows. so it's best of a bad hand right like and where would you say collectively where would you say they're both if you're going to rank uh world war ii commanders top five if if because we've got who's the guy who won salingrad uh who's the russian guy i think i think so yeah was you go was the cavalryman he shut up there was a bunch of shut up Charlie there were a bunch of Charlie generals there leave this gun here yeah you know what to do you know what to do the um Marshal Zhukov I think is the main kind of guy he's the main Russian but the Russian army is so big that there's so many Marshal's it doesn't feel like it's like so how much strategy is it when you're throwing men at bullets that's kind of the strategy it's just throw men um so there's Patton there's Eisenhower there's Monty well Eisenhower's like supreme command so he's really like looking down from the base.

56:37He's more doing political. More of a pen pusher really for Eisenhower. Yeah, fuck Eisenhower. Slim. Fuck Ike, man. Fucking pen pusher loser Eisenhower. Fuck Ike, man. Wear your shorts you fucking pen pusher. Right, Chachi BT rank them. No, come on. Slim Alexander. We need to get to post-war Monty. George Marshall was quite significant. We need to get to post-war Monty. Right, so Monty becomes he gets moved up he's very high up in the army becomes what is it? Commander of the British Army of the Rhine so I guess the occupying force after the war and then what's the Chief of the Imperial General Staff is basically as high as it gets in post-war Britain is it as high as it gets because it says one of the most senior and I'm always like when it's the best one who's high who's the fucking looks like Channel 4 you think you've cracked it and there's some twat above them who goes if it's not Monty why is Monty not the main we need more maths I don't care if they're guilty of rape people watch it not my words anyway Anyway, so Monty becomes this sort of celebrity, but as we highlighted in the last episode, he lives too long.

57:42Because when there's not a war on, he opens his mouth. Yeah, yeah. And listen. These men are not built for peacetime. This man, as we said, was built in, he was born in the late 1880s, the height of the Victorian era. Yes. Britain was at his pomp. Yeah. Is he a man who's going to fit in with the 60s and the miniskirt? He is not. It breaks the fact they had to live through the 70s to see it all. It's devastating. It's devastating. He should have died thinking that it was going to be okay. In the 50s, it would have died. He's the opposite of Austin Powers. He is. Yes, he's one of Austin Powers' horcrucks, is Bernard Montgomery.

58:17Now, in his 2001 biography, The Four Monty, a man named Nigel Hamilton argued that Montgomery was a repressed homosexual. It's the kind of people Tucker Carlson interviews. It gives them three hours interviews. His evidence for this is that Monty would write a series of love letters to young boys in the 50s, one of which was Nigel Hamilton, his later biographer, who was so, whether platonic or sexual, was they were such friends that Monty gave him all his papers. So that's why he's an official biographer. He was groomed to be his official biographer. Are these love letters as in love letters? Or is this that thing that some people do to sell books where it's like just to kind of the smallest amount of affection from a repressed Victorian man?

59:01I would like a love letter from Montoya. Sorry, I've got a book out. Are you saying that I could, what do I do? Do I have to? You need to accuse a famous historical figure of homosexuality, but it's just. 160 episodes of that. Fucking right here. Yeah, done. It's a whole patron archive. It's calling everyone a pedophile. What else do you want? Then it's done. The book's going to nail it. The book will sell. Fine. Oh, big time. If anything, it's accusing people of not being pedophiles. That's more controversial. More controversial. So now in 1967, Monty's in the House of Lords and he opposes the decriminalization of homosexuality.

59:36A psychological projection. So they think that that stance he took is pure psychological projection. Right. And the evidence for this is that he, after his wife died of an insect bite, he basically just never really hung out with women again. Right. But he dismisses the idea of decriminalised homosexuality by saying that this sort of thing may be tolerated by the French, but we're British, thank God.

1:00:04Cook King. Cook. I love this guy. I think there was no need to do any projection if you were a repressed homosexual in British politics in the mid-20th century. you just were a Tory lord. Yeah. There's more than enough to be getting on with. Yeah. God. There's a lot of cocks to suck in the toilets of the House of Lords. Inevitably, you're banging like one of the Cray twins or something mad. Like there's a big scandal and MI5 covers it up. There's no need to be going around legislating anything. Yeah. But exactly. I think this is too sincere. He's sticking his little head up above the parapet because he actually means this shit.

1:00:42Why ruin the fun? Yeah. Yeah. I prefer it being an elite activity. It is more fun when it's illegal. Yeah. Yeah. um so hamilton who is sort of groomed to do his biography claims that uh banning homosexuality was a crutch they would use to sort of you know bury his own because of course they weren't it was illegal yeah yeah now we get to uh pierre i'll let you go off on this oh good monty's public endorsement of apartheid oh interesting um 100 points for pronouncing it correctly Thank you. Well, it's a party, isn't it? A party. A party. It's a party for us. It's a party for us, not for you. Not for you.

1:01:21Not for you. Not for you. That's why it's called that. In theory, you'll have your own separate but just as good party. Yeah. But you won't really. Yeah. But we're going to say that at the start. Now, his infatuation with the South African regime has two major visits. In 62, he visits Africa and dines with the prime minister who basically was the architect. Which one? 62 would be for Wurt, I think. Yeah. Are you a fan of architecture? This kind of architecture. Big fan of apartheid architecture. Apartheid architecture is a beautiful thing. He calls it a, quote, excellent thing. He goes on a sort of pro-apartheid press tour.

1:01:58Oh, man. Arguing that God never intended the races to mix because if you, quote, shake a black man's hand a negative electrical force resists the contact which you could physically feel i did not know he said this deep deep cuts you know it's a deep wow i did not know this at all he thought an electrical but that's true of all atoms for one thing i didn't i didn't think about this before we fucking did a series wearing berets that's crazy isn't that crazy that's mad because that's also like we've covered a lot of great racists in their time scholars and scholars racist to like taking racist to new heights we never imagined.

1:02:35This is groundbreaking. Bringing atomic level electrical charges into this. It's like a particles. Particle racism. You can't physically shake their hand. That's new. That is new. Yeah. But this is 60s space age racism. Psychedelic. It is. It's acid. It's trippy. It's connected from its scientific racial roots. It's one day we'll put a racist on the moon. It's imagine Montez that guy. It's that level of fur. Yeah, it is. Bloody hell. Now, in 1999, the government declassifies cabinet papers from 48 under the 50-year rule, and they reveal that fucking Monty had done a two-month tour of 11 African nations, and then he wrote to the prime minister, which would be Attlee, saying that the African is quote...

1:03:21Sorry. You're about to go straight into that. No, I wasn't. You're about to stand up. My king. The African is, quote, a complete savage and incapable of developing the country himself. And he urges the government to ignore the UN and exploit Africa as a white supremacist bulwark against communism. This was a big thing in apartheid. Was it? They would talk about the red danger, the Rui Jafar. The big thing was like, we're not racist. It's just that all the communists are black. That was kind of their angle for a long time. Steve Biko was left-leaning. But then left-leaning against Africa means, can you stop apartheid?

1:03:59It's not communist. it's yeah they were they would just say like oh well this is our foundation of good christian civilization against it it's quite funny to call apartheid people if you're anti-apartheid you're a fucking communist that was the line yeah they went for it this but this is where the revisionism about actually the north african campaign being won by turing starts as a counter to the fact that he was a actively pro-apartheid pro-white supremacy i guess it's the problem with the house of lords is it is your it's your fucking uncle at christmas yes and it's when you're all sat down afterwards and he's like he does have a seat he's a member of the family yeah it's a huge should he have a voice he's got a microphone it's the chamber of uncles it is the chamber of all legislation has to pass through the chamber of uncles to be amended and why we get our uncle pissing them signing off for fucking legislation there's a bar open from 7 a.m all day crazy They're overheated in the big cloaks.

1:04:56He becomes such a renowned sort of British establishment figure that supposedly Monty Python is named after Monty. Oh, interesting. Sort of mocking tribute to him. And also there's a thing called a Montgomery cocktail, which is a martini mixed at 15 to 1 gin to vermouth because supposedly he would refuse to attack unless he had a 15 to 1 advantage. That's a lot of gin. Or it's basically just drinking gin. Gin with a dash of vermouth. Yeah, a splat of vermouth. Given the stuff I've just found out he was saying in the 60s, you don't want to say, I'll have a Montgomery cocktail. Is this something to do with the atomic racism again?

1:05:33Yeah. No, no, it's just a big pint of gin, please. Good, that's nice. So he dies in 76, I believe. Yeah. Although he was in public, he was sort of a public figure until he basically got too old and sort of hid. He died with his brother holding his hand and he received a military funeral with his coffin draped in a Union Jack and a beret placed on top of the coffin. Yes, Charlie? You know, you said that he died too late. What age would you ideally like to go? It's not about age, it's about era. It's about his views coming out at a time when they were, you know, deeply out of step with public opinion.

1:06:12Yeah. To say the least. The 70s shouldn't have seen Monty. Monty shouldn't have seen the 70s. Do you think that could happen to you? 100%. If anything, I'm already there. He's the spirit of Monty. Yeah. What decade do you think you'd ideally live to? I don't know. I mean, they might come around again. Yeah. The 30s might come around again. Who knows? Who knows? And so I suppose it's, you know, Monty is the great, outlasts Rommel. It's, you know, Rommel's here for a good time, not a long time. Yeah. Monty just sort of, I guess it's a victory of autism over ADHD. We do need to keep asking at the end of these series what Charlie's learned.

1:06:53That's true. Charlie, what have you learned at the end of four hours of... Autism over ADHD. Because the Reformation, you didn't know what the Reformation was. That was very dispiriting, actually. After the end, we asked you... Though, sadly, a lot of people have come up to me and said, I did agree with Charlie at the end and also didn't know what the Reformation was. Right. I've learned that there's loads of... I think that fish can sink. No, no, no. Fish can drown on the floor of the sea. I don't think they drown, though. They just sink. They just sink. There's loads of dead fish on the floor in France.

1:07:24Anything about Monty and Rommel? Monty.

1:07:29Monty. Wait, hang on. I've got something. Monty and Rommel. They never met. And maybe if they had, it would have actually been all right. And they could have hashed it out. Because I don't actually think they actually, they would have never conversed in person. Yeah, that's true. They did never meet. but then them hashing it out is kind of a worst case scenario because if it's like if Montenegro will meet I think they did hash it out I think that's what the Battle of El Alamein was was them hashing it out I'll meet you at El Alamein what has this out famously they hashed it out that's kind of what the series is about Pierre your concluding thoughts on the how important to the war is it we've sort of done a deep dive on we wanted to do North Africa but also this is the funnest way to do it because it takes you the importance of the scope um how you know when you're weighing up the whole the whole world war ii how important do you said you sent them on to oh yeah big deal big absolutely yeah yeah yeah yeah you just need someone autistic enough to ignore angry texts from churchill to hurry up yeah just wait till you have an overwhelming advantage in supplies and armor yeah and then just smush the enemy smush rommel got smushed rommel got smushed like a big bug yeah and then yeah unfortunately then Monty got overexcited and Operation Market Garden and all that was that him yeah it was his plan it was his big fuck up oh fuck we didn't even talk about that yeah we also didn't land up there Berlin 10 minute drive you know that was his big fuck up but also we didn't talk about the PR disaster because we were doing PR disasters during the war because he's such a British supremacist he still viewed Britain as far more superior than America and when the Battle of the Bulge happened yes which was a mainly American thing.

1:09:15There's a very small thing that Monty did. He basically did a press conference where he said it was all the Brits and this pissed off everyone to the point where Churchill had to apologize. He would allow the Americans like constantly. But this is the autism coming through, right? This is the bluntness. This is why press conferences are not his forte. You mustn't let someone like this talk to the public. No, of course not. No, the internal politics. This is Errol Musk sort of stuff. This is Errol Musk. And we're going to have to bring up Errol. Press conference with Errol Musk. We're going to have to bring up Errol Musk on the Patreon.

1:09:43Pierre's going to stick around and we're going to do, we're going to carry on our history of the SAS, but we will also get his opinion on the grandfather of the pod, Errol Musk, as a fellow South African. Pierre, we need to plug your podcast, your two podcasts, video games, and then you do Bud Pod with Glenn. I do Bud Pod with Glenn, which is a sort of just general comedy chat, kind of pathetically. We did a big, we won an award for a big riff about how Mr. Blobby was in the IRA. Brilliant. And that's why he has that. An award-winning riff. an award-winning riff you can get awards for riffs yeah christ modern day awards for bloody everything um yes the idea was that mr blobby's voice was dubbed like jerry adams and that he wasn't actually saying blobby blobby blobby he was making quite salient points about the plantations and he'd been overdubbed by the bbc you're also people need to check out your stand up you're doing edinburgh doing edinburgh fringe again what's this in a row how many hours is this 11 or 12 11 12 hours can't even keep counting the amount of hours in a row i mean it's kind of like unfair to everyone else doing edinburgh it's a bit like michael phelps joining the paralympics it's not fair that you're doing edinburgh again this far it will be the best thing you see at the festival if you go see pierre i'm going to keep doing it until they make me stop yeah promote me to the league above yeah whatever that is one of the best stand-ups there is uh so go and check out pierre's stuff and your radio for the reels of your radio four series are really good as well thank you man that series is still just up forever I think yeah just through your iPlayer BBC Sounds check Pierre out he's gonna stick around and we're gonna get into the SAS again get into it and if not we'll see you next week for a brand new topic from all of us here goodnight god bless goodnight

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Let's talk about male mental health.

Monty & Rommel (Part Four)

The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.  

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00:00 - Thigh Mogging

06:24 - Come On Lads

11:02 - The Mafia Tax

18:42 - Barely Legal Bruce Forsyth

21:28 - The Pretend Army 

26:22 - I Bet His Wee Smells 

30:14 - Employ Flamethrowers 

33:14 - He’s A Hippie 

35:26 - Hitler’s Lashed Out 

40:50 - More Army Than Nazi

46:51 - Fuck Eisenhower

51:20 - Monty’s Cooking

55:20 - It’s A Party For Us 
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