Don't Topple Statues, Wedgie Them | Captain Cook & The First Fleet (Part 1)

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1:13welcome back to finvers history beside me is horatio gould oh no today we're talking about australia australia captain cook let him cook yes let him cook please let him not be cooked We are in Australia, the great social experiment. Too early to tell if it's worked. To me, in my mind, it is. What happens if you send a thousand Irish rapists to the other end of the world? A thousand Conor McGregors. Can they build a country? The jury's still out, as far as I'm concerned. A thousand Conor McGregors boarded his ships 255 years ago, odd. Now, we're recording this the week that the Ashes starts. So I really want to...

1:53Prisoners versus the guards. I really want to... Ding, ding, ding. I really wanted to get involved you know me there's nothing I like more than seeing a festering cultural wound and just going what's going on on there just digging around in it and I can't think of a country less at ease with its past than Australia so them compared to Canada it's a similar Canada was very effective in just getting rid of absolutely everyone yeah so there's not much there's not many reminders no there's just Justin Trudeau saying people kind yes that's all you've got and he's now dating Casey Katie Perry. I mean, who cares really?

2:30Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? I'd say that. Yeah. Do you vote me on a date to Katie Perry? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'd say a bunch of fucking nonsense about people kind. If it means I date Katie Perry, sure. Fine, fine. Hand it in. Whatever. Yeah, I've been to Australia many times. And as Aboriginal people, as a constant reminder of... And they're also, they're all, they're basically all homeless and drunk and on the street and it's so obviously a two-tier country that, and they really hate it. I mean, they also do this thing called a land recognition. yeah recognize that all right real recognize real sort of it's called a welcome to country this is land acknowledgement right you're kind of yeah and but what's crazy is that it's now every level of uh culture over there where i went being done the melbourne comedy festival several times you go out there and before you go on you you know you play your pre-show music yeah that you've designed to hype the audience up to your act yeah they fade that out of the will

3:27they fade it down they fade the lights down and then they go by the way remember when we killed everyone that used to live here so dj with the mics sort of there's a genocide we're really very sorry you're all guilty you're guilty by association anyway now it's time for some comedy uh and it's one of the most energy sapping things that you can do I mean it's like before you go on stage go statistically someone's probably getting raped in the world today anyway Horatio Gould it's crazy but it's something very Protestant about like you're all sinners you'll never overcome it that's Catholic isn't it no the Protestant thing is it's all predetermined right well Calvinist right that you know all the sins that can happen and you're unsavable get on with it but I don't think you need to say that you buff it up it's kind of that vibe this whole country is an evil mistake yeah Anyway, let's go on with the laughs then.

4:22Yeah, but I... There's nothing you can do about it, and you're the problem, and it's your fault. Anyway. Yeah, but it's just crazy. It's so mad how it seeps into every level. Yeah. They're so ill at ease with themselves in a very hilarious way. I mean, like, Germany is more comfortable with its past than Australia. Right, but it has a past. Australia barely has a past. Well, I guess... That's part of the problem, is that it's like if Germany was founded by the Nazis. Yes. Then it would be... Sorry. Don't tempt me. in many ways in many ways it was actually in my opinion no but it's I mean I guess yeah like they have a lot to in the broad in the broad scheme of things to fall back on Australia has no culture to fall back on which is one of the great why is there an opera house there it's hilarious it's like there being an AA house in the island yeah but they're just giving it a go I don't know it's not full did we try that yeah it's basically just a fucking landmark it's not an actual working opera house no the Australian opera is throwing a shoe to dog in a car park that's what they watch Aussie rules football whatever it's called Yeah, I guess from the German perspective, the Holocaust is a bad 12 years.

5:23Sure. Whereas in Australia, I mean, to be fair, they've had their foot on the Aboriginal throat up until about the 90s, really. It was when they just went, maybe should we think about whether we're doing it. I think until the 60s in many states... It was like government-mandated whack-a-mole. Aboriginal people were legally classed as flora and fauna. Yes. so um to be fair i guess it's more the present than it is the past that they're still unhappy about it yeah because it was interesting there's actually some quite like woke british laws about you know you got to respect all the people you find but then how they got around it is all the people you find you class them as flora they're mushrooms that's not a person that's a big mushroom that's a big mushroom why is that mushroom holding a spear those two mushrooms are fucking what on earth this country's mad that's basically yeah we love a loophole the brits and uh that's how they got round australia is upside down land in many ways because it is like it's britain through a bizarre prism right it's yes i mean i've never been but it's just all feels like everything is slightly off it's crazy uncanny valley yeah sort of you're looking at yourself through a circus mirror right sort of in that it's like it's it's the worst of britain in a hot country uh it's it's like if marbella if all foreign travel stopped right and like ibiza and marbella they just had to form a country out of the people that were there on holiday.

6:45Yeah. And that's Australia. Yeah. You know, it has no culture at all. Right. You know, they drink beers out of shoes, and that's their custom. Sorry, I should say this is white Australia I'm talking about. Obviously, Aboriginal Australia has all these cultures, but they've been completely wiped out. Yeah. I think the land acknowledgement thing is actually an Aboriginal. They used to do that because there were several different tribes. Right. Acknowledging like a Mother Nature type thing. that this is yeah i think the aboriginal um woke bollocks the aboriginal woke bollocks i think they call it's genuinely called dream time that's their worldview right their their religion it's called dream time and it's yeah it's like the it's not so for us westerners the creation happened in the past and like it's a progressive linear time yeah for aboriginal australians creation is constantly happening and you sort of interface with it through rituals and it's always like the it's about protecting the land.

7:42How does that run up against the worst of Essex? I wonder if they've said that after all their land was taken. In that they go, well, actually, we really care about this. This is a religious deal. Oh, right, yeah. Oh, sorry. Okay, well, then what we've done is really bad. I don't know. But today we're talking about Captain Cook, who is the kind of centerpiece of the culture war in Australia. Still? Yeah. There's lots of other guys who I think would be more prevalent, right? The fucking Chinese meal? That guy. Well, I just feel they'd be more like Cook's not the guy. Get your hand off my penis!

8:18What a wonderful culture they are. Bob catering, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. You know, I'm not spending any more time on it. Bob catering. This is the long road to Bob catering. I mean, to be fair, you say there's no culture. A thousand blossoms bloom. Come on, this is as good as it gets. This is about as good as it gets. This is Australia now. You know, people are entitled to their sexual proclivities. Loving it. Loving it. I mean, let there be a thousand The guy behind him is shaking his head. Awesome, as far as I'm concerned. But I ain't spending any time on it. The two sides of Australians.

8:49Every three months, a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland. Okay, Paul is right. What that's interesting is to show the two sides of Australians, right? Shrimp on the barbie. Oh, oh. Let's genocide the aboriginals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm not spending any more time on it. I don't think I've ever seen a face U-turn quicker than that man little thousand blossoms I just put a little more time on it ho ho's ho ho ho ho truthers ho slut slags I'm just hopping on to tell you about my Christmas crackers this year look at that Finn Taylor's comedy crackers unbelievable make Christmas even more uncomfortable if you think Christmas cracker jokes are weak which I do make your nan blush make your granddad come granddad will love them these are for the dads crackers for the dads now these are some of the jokes we had in past years have you heard the one about helen keller neither has she knowing her she was probably too busy fingering herself silly i guess if you're deaf dumb and blind how else are you meant to pass the time funniest word in that joke is probably yeah probably knowing her knowing her is my favorite bit knowing her she's probably fingering herself silly we've done this the last two years put a bit of disguise on it no they need to know what they're buying we've done this the last two years and they sold out so quickly this year we've actually made the packaging ourselves lovely this is my wife has quit her job to make this a brand yeah so she's look at look she's poured her heart and soul into this you need to buy these to save my marriage yeah they're spicy jokes guaranteed to make your nan blush every box contains uh six crackers there are two different sets so if you want if you've got a big party white men get this is this is the white spice and a parlor game and an exclusive Christmas video message from me to you.

10:36Bit of fun in the back. Look at the sound of that. Crazy. Never mind the King's speech. What about the Führers? Yeah. If you order now, they will guarantee you arrive by Christmas. Hit the link here and be quick and please buy some because as I have said, my marriage is dependent on it. Another year in the basement, my love. If she just doesn't sell well, genuinely, she's going to get her old job back and I'm going to have to do more childcare. So buy some fucking crackers and let me live my dream. You don't want to see that kid till they're 18. I don't want to see him. I've been shaking their hand for six months.

11:06It's been glorious and I don't want to have to get back in the actual mucky business apparently. No, you're an officer. You're not a soldier in the trenches. Please. Please let me stay. You're pushing men to the depth. I'm pushing babies to the toilet. You go there. You go there. I'm not going to change a nappy. I run a business. Well, then... Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Please buy some crackers. Now... Propel Fitness Water With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you?

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12:14The concept of Australia, it's interesting. Right. Because Cook's not actually the first Westerner to get to Australia. The Dutch, right? The Dutch. But even before that, people have this sense, the Greeks have this sense that there's a land called Terra Australis, incognita, the Latin for unknown southern continent. So the word Australia comes from the Greeks fucking spitballing about something. Yeah, it does. Because I think there's a philosopher called, how do you pronounce his name? Potemali, P-T. Oh, Ptolemy. Ptolemy, that's the one. um ptolemy uh stinks in whatever thousand bc that there is a because uh they think the world is round and because northern europe is so uh there's so much of it that's what they know they go well there must be a counterweight continent on the south otherwise the globe would just unflip right it would hurl into space yeah we'd all fly into the nether i mean they are wiping their ass with uh vases yeah they don't know what's going on yeah they're having a shit and they're chucking a vase on the floor, picking up the shards and wiping their arse.

13:16And today that's what they do at weddings, the plates. Anyway, do they wipe their arses with the plates after they've... We can't, no. We can't. I've never been to a Greek wedding and I imagine after this podcast I won't be invited to one, but I'd like to go. I'd like to see it. I'd like to be a fly on the wall. But there's this sense, people throughout the history have this sense that there's, you know, there's... There's something. There's something. There's some kind of barren wasteland where, you know, they put their ears to the ground. You said there's like an innate understanding of Australia.

13:43I'm understanding that there's some kind of southern continent where wife beating is integral to the culture. And you're just hearing, but I'm not sweating any much better all the time. Oh, fuck. Get fucked. Fucking Chinese meal. Fucking Chinese meal. You can sort of hear this kind of distant Australian gibbering. The call. The call for Australia. The siren call. Oh, no. Now, it was depicted on maps for centuries, but as this kind of huge blob where I guess Antarctica is now. But how are the Greeks coming up with this? because they barely know about China. They barely know about the south of Africa.

14:17No, because they sat on a chair and they looked down and they go, well, there's probably something down there. Right down there. Oh, right down there. Oh, I see. Right through the floor. Yeah, exactly. Because that's where they're looking most of the time. Yes, because they're asleep. Not today. So it was depicted on maps for centuries and its shape and size kind of changed and explorers charted more of the world. I believe there's a theory the Portuguese maybe found it first. Well, the Portuguese and the Dutch, the ones fucking around around there. Yeah, because they're all Goa. Indonesia, all that sort of stuff.

14:52Portugal may have found it in 1550s, but then a library burnt down or something. Okay. And so no one knows. But then there's a guy... That stinks. Yeah, it does smell. There's a guy called Abel Tasman. Is that what Tasmania is named after, right? Yes, and the Tasman Sea. He's Dutch. That's why New Zealand's called New Zealand, because zealand is a dutch word zealand okay i don't know what it means we don't know what old zealand is either no and so uh he finds that calls it new zealand and he originally he calls australia or what the bits he finds of australia new holland yeah classic move but they think at this point this is in 1640 something they think that holland they think that australia is like could stretch all the way to south america could be this big continent yeah um we should place this I know people will get annoyed.

15:41So ultimately, Cook discovers... Yeah, what? Cook discovers... And that's a very political leader. I mean, that's a short thing to say. Cook founds white Australia in 1770. Now, that is after pastry. What do you... Hold on. Puff pastry. Puff pastry, fine. Pies are around. Wait, let's teach it. It's a puff pastry. When was puff? 1645. Thank you. Oh, okay. It's nice. It is before the croissant, which I'm pretty sure is early 20th century. Yes. Or mid-19th. That is a lovely... Oh, I've absolutely snookered that perfectly. And what I would like to say... Mid-19th century, wow. I do believe we are living through the golden era of the croissant.

16:20Yeah, you're saying this. Yeah. Go on. I think pastries will never... This is how this era will be remembered. Right. The pastry era. The golden era of pastry. Yeah. Explain. It's just phenomenal what they're doing now. I don't understand it. But when you say golden era, you feel that there's going to be a sort of decay. I feel like they can't they can't top it yeah the pastries they're making now yeah they cannot get better than they are now because it's also like this social media arms race with how slutty can you make a pastry I mean it's insane the stuff they're doing I mean it's yeah it's amazing it's like it's like they've got NASA scientists I bite into it and I think Christ I shouldn't be looking at my wife I feel like I'd be looking at porn and eating this it's a disgrace there's custard there's chocolate I had shout out I was in Whitstable this weekend went away to the weekend a place called Blueprint Coffee right I had the most disgustingly foul pornographic, and I mean this in a good way, chocolate croissant I've ever had.

17:10So Japanese would be blurring the insides of this croissant. They'd be blurring the croissant. And my mouth. Yeah, it was a disgrace how good it was. Yes, if you opened it up, it would have been blurted. Well, yeah, and actually I had to log in to eat it. I had to air-fair and fry. You had to send a dick pic to Keir Starmer. Yeah, I had to send a picture of my dick to Keir Starmer to eat this croissant. it was a disgrace how good it was i genuinely it's true i mean the pastries is getting better i think it's in the last 10 years i think there's been i think yeah in the 80s the best french pastry chef i don't think that would even go anywhere near like an east london fucking wanky i wouldn't even qualify it's greg's it'd be rubbish yeah awful uh but now i mean even i go to my i've got an aldi now below my building which is unbelievable aldi express they have freshly baked and even that for 40p you're getting it i what i would like my uh wife to smell like is if we could if i could make a cologne that she'd wear it would be when you walk into little at 8am that smell of the pastries right put that on little little pastry what would the puff if you be called parfum de little pastry i guess i don't know i don't really muck about with these things parfum de croissant just freshly baked little lady little lady little lady little lady it's a bit nonsense i also heard you know you know you know that kind of slightly strange coffee guy who's got like three million subscribers with slightly stained teeth because he clearly drinks 15 cups a day he says that we're living through the golden age of coffee and it can't go on he says it's unbelievable coffee's basically unbelievably cheap is what he says right there's basically been an unbelievable exploitation of coffee beans to get those wanky coffees that you complain about for four quid he's like those should cost you 20 quid so he said that that's coming to an end as well right so it seems like basically enjoy your coffee and pastries now because we're living through a golden age we are living to a golden age but it will come to an end yes something will happen and also but i but then i wonder is it because i'm a parent and when you become a parent you become fat because you're just tired so you just eat and that's the dad tag the dad pastry obsession the dad bod is paid is built i'm a pastry chaser yeah we came up with a slur for fat people my wife and i right pastry chaser because we have breakfast then we'd have a pastry chaser at like an hour after because we're still hungry what do you find i feel like the a quick breakfast you are sort of snookered for something healthy because if i'm out and about yeah i just grab a croissant but it doesn't seem like there's anything else no and it doesn't set you up great for your day no no no i used to also think a plain croissant was basically like a slice of bread i don't think it was bad for you yeah i didn't realize that i really just i thought it's because it's got no chocolate in it it was just like well that's it's like a slice of toast relative to other croissants yeah but but it's just like a butter ball you're using a stick of butter yeah do you ever have um chocolate for breakfast what do you mean i've done made that mistake once or It's not good, is it?

19:56No, not good. It makes you feel like... Christmas Day, you eat your selection box and then you think, well, this day's ruined. Yeah. I'd feel sad at like 9am. Yeah, you do feel sad and kind of anxious. Because it's not... There is something about throwing your day in the canal before it's even begun. Yeah, with a pint. There's like... Pint on waking up is brilliant. When did you do that? Holiday, airport. Yeah. Yeah. But chocolate off the... Chocolate's bleak off the... It is, yeah. I think no chocolate before midday. And to be honest, no chocolate probably before two three i think yeah i think it's but i think it puts your head in a bit anyway what we were talking about captain cook who yeah cooking cook king cooking i mean he does cook he cooks to be fair he cooks more than anyone um he was born in yorkshire on the 7th november 17 whatever 30 odd his mother's called grace pace that's quite a good name sounds like she works for paul pot so they're all just fucking rhyming grace grace place is paul pot's personal assistant grace pace good enough for a sprinter yeah um so uh in when he was 16 fat woman or a very very fat woman yeah that would be funny grace pace pace tracer grace pace tracer um anyway 1745 cook moves to a fishing village to be a grocer yeah and uh he's always he's always he's a sea bother he loves the sea he wants to get involved the reason why we've um danced around this opening very boring is because it is quite dull but we do need to set it up because the story is amazing but Cook is a dull Yorkshireman and there's no getting around it.

21:24And it's probably why he achieves so much is because he's very Protestant vibes I'm getting from him. Yeah. He is kind of like Francis Bourgeois for maps. Yes. That's sort of what we're setting up. Wow! He sees Australia. So everyone's blaming this guy as if he's sort of Columbus. He's this sort of like... Yeah. Or Cortez. No. He is a boring British dad who loves maps. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's the ultimate. It's like, I went to Australia. Oh, how'd you get there? Did you go M5, M3? Like, he's obsessed with how you got places. And he doesn't have a normal upbringing, I guess, because the people who normally do this are lords, viscounts, et cetera, et cetera.

22:02But he has pretty humble beginnings. Yeah, it's social mobility, I suppose. So he's working in a shop. Yeah. And one day he sees a coin in the till. Yeah. And it's a South Sea coin. Right. And the South Sea is what we'd now call the Pacific. Right. And so he goes, ooh, he swaps it with one of his coins. Right. And the shopkeeper's like, you nicked that. He's like, no, I didn't. And then I think, is that the end of that story? It's very, very boring. That's kind of the key anecdote that people bring up. Yeah. And any podcast I listen to, they bring that up is like a really interesting thing. Yeah, it's not good.

22:31And in the film, there would be a scene about that. There's not been a film about him. That's how boring. Oh, fuck. Do you get these videos that Charles just brought up? The North Sea ones. I do sometimes. I get these. These are fucking... No. Yeah. These are fucking terrifying. Oh, Oh my word. Yeah. Why is the North Sea so mash up? I mean, we are talking about the South Sea as well. Yeah, yeah. So it is relevant. So we know we could maybe save this for when we do the North Sea. Yeah. But why is it so fucked in the North Sea? Why is that the one that's really mad? Well, lots of seas are mad. Yeah.

23:00Yeah. It depends on the season, I guess. Theft is a big part of this story. Yeah. You're right. Maybe that's why, actually, they always talk about the coin. Yes. Because he got a taste for it. He did. And he's working at a grocer's. so he sees mushrooms and he sees flora and fauna yeah and that's also a part of the story so his dad was greg wallace in the 80s yeah basically yeah exactly um so in 1752 or he starts no he starts he's bothering with boats he's a boat botherer um which is again it's not a slang for gay gay man um his first assignment is aboard a collier called free love but he sorry an interesting bit was that he got basically it was clear that his only ambition to go to sea and then he had a chance meeting with someone on a beach right who said well do you want to come aboard uh uh one of the boats that is running basically coal running from the north down to london right okay and he was like you seem like you're up for it do you want to come yeah that was a key moment so he studied so he becomes an apprentice and he studies algebra geometry trigonometry not the podcast yeah navigation and astronomy yeah and in 1752 he gets his mariner's license and he serves as a mate on the only ship that can never sink the friendship oh that's nice genuinely a ship called the friendship two and a half years is it called the friendship yes or is it the hms friendship or is it just i don't know yeah the friendship ship or is it or is his only friend a ship i mean it seems seems like he's a boat botherer he gets offered to uh be captain of the friendship but he declines and joins the royal navy in 1755 ambitious which is just as the seven years war is kicking off which i think i might be wrong i think this might be the it's just no not the first global war maybe that's in the 70th this is arguably world war one people are saying i think that's the um what's the war with the pirates that's the spanish war of succession right that's in the okay but this is seven years well this is what people in america learn about at school right this is canada this is britain and france fighting over canada i think And so Cook goes over there.

25:05He serves in the campaign to capture Quebec. Yeah. Why? So this is when we started the 13 colonies. Pointless part of the world, Quebec. I don't even have anything to say, racist to say about it. That's how little it means to me. Yeah. You're really stuck in a foreign land now. You're all at sea. Just get out. Quebec, who cares? French Canada. French Canada. What are you doing? What are you doing? Bigger sides. Do you know what I mean? You can't be double gay. You can't be double gay. you know you can't just double down i'm a gay paedophile all right we get it you know pick one um so britain and france go to war blah blah blah what cook does and he spends fucking years doing this and this is boring but a large part of the story is boring everyone's got talent he charts the coast of is it newfoundland that bit of canada yeah and bear in mind he he he's absolutely smashing charting yeah his maps of newfoundland are still used well into the 20th century so how do you chart not yeah how do you chart is he on a boat and is he going like this that's a good point actually charted in my pants yeah it's not charting have you charted yourself yeah no cook is going along the coast of canada just oh no charting oh no he's a master charter and it was like let him cook and he just shits himself yeah how do you i don't really understand because i guess without a drone it's hard to see what the coast looks like because you're looking at it straight like that so it's organizing information to visually right so uh i guess he's just bobbing about the coast is he doing it from sea or is he on land he's on land he's on land and i guess has he got maybe he's got one of those little yeah wheelie things every time he walks he draws a little bit on the map is what i guess so but that's got to be you know how's he doing the scale of that has he got a really big but a lot of people are struggling to do it and so he's clearly very very skilled at it he's amazing at it yeah so he charts Canada he then goes back to England he marries a woman called Elizabeth Batts I doubt she had a a Batty it just doesn't seem like it a Batty-less woman called Elizabeth Batts Cook is 32 Elizabeth is only 20 so I think that that age gap is that age gap is quite pronounced i think they it's one of many problematic things cook does yes this just this nazi was also a nonce it turns out no uh he uh i think she calls him mr cook they sit in a very protestant relationship the entirety of the marriage um there's deference and respect for the husband and they don't see each other at all you know how people it's the dream christian i mean she's not yeah you wouldn't say she's a she's a hottie um she's a baddie yeah that get what that bonnet she's got it's not flattering is it look at that that's a proper relationship though looks like she makes pies it's probably a relationship where you treat your wife sort of like with the respect you treat your grandmother you see them like three times a year you shake hands you take tea and then you go and I guess in nightfall maybe you have sex whilst wearing a blindfold maybe but it needs to be treated like a nightmare that both of you try and forget Exactly.

28:15Yeah. Sex is a nightmare that you can both, it's deniable. So they're married for 16 years, but they only spent a total of four years time actually together. Which is my word. You don't know you're born, son. 25 % of your marriage is face to face. Yeah. God. Those numbers are great. They're incredible. They're Pol Pot numbers of marriage. I mean, that's why marriage therapists exist now is because you have to spend fucking 16. You have to actually marry someone. Yeah. You can't just fuck off and draw the coast. But I like this thing. It's like, you're my wife. That's all done. Yeah. I'll never see you again.

28:53See ya. That's the dream. We're married together. Never going to see you again. Done. I'm going to go on the jacket on the ship. Thank you. So he becomes a master surveyor. Right. In the late 1750s. By the early 1760s, Cook is the Navy's foremost hydrographer, which i think is the the map of the seas maybe hydrography the study of maps to be stuck at next to my dinner party my god yeah yeah it's a tough one yeah he's gonna look at this he's bourgeois he is he's got a gopro in his head exactly um it is believed that there is this great southern continent where uh people are hitting their wives and the spiders are massive and um so there are constant uh you know should we go and try and find it yeah this is and i must say i haven't actually i didn't know much about the 18th century but it's very exciting for me there's some good stuff because it gets to get overlooked sometimes as it warms up we're getting closer to the 19th century i'm really this is where i start to wake up in world history yes this is where your your erection is starting to unfurl yeah they've discovered aboriginal yeah my dick's just peeling away from my thighs sorry mate this has just started talking what you mean so pulls off this week it's just mate listen goodle hello um i'll switch to video anyway so they're hoping to find another America because I guess at this time I mean this is this is just before the American war independence which comes into the story later but I imagine they're kicking off a bit the Yanks yeah the Yanks are becoming incredibly ungrateful for everything they've been given maybe they're starting to get fat yes I don't know they've got sippy cups they've got bum bags entitled yeah can we find a place with even less culture yes you can now the Navy turns to its dependable surveyor james let him cook to command a new scientific mission uh because they want to and this is very very dull they want to observe the transit of venus which is i don't even fucking know so they're not even really going to look for that continent well primarily well it's like it's not the primary thing right no it's not the public objective but this is quite interesting so uh he he boards the uh hms endeavor in 1768 yeah uh because he's appointed to lead this dual purpose expedition the public objective is to sail the south pacific because tahiti has been discovered i believe by the french and to observe this celestial thing which only occurs like twice every hundred years or something and this would help them determine celestial differences because this is all astrology you know this is all astrology stuff so you know women are reading women are trying to find women are reading i know terrifying um women are reading magazines trying to find someone to blame for their divorce right yes oh it's because the moon's in retrograde let's send out some people sure sarah yeah i'm sure that's why he left um so uh he's going out to to observe that which they think is going to happen on the 3rd of june 1769 right but they give him an envelope with a little secret task in there saying once you've once you've done that open this envelope and the envelope says find terror australis why is that so naughty because i think they want to keep it that they don't want the dutch to know they want the french to know they don't want to keep it secret right go you're the go let him cook it says let him cook right it says fuck fuck off this but is this like an even that expensive a observer this is quite like a might as well it's just one boat you're over there yeah go and find fine yeah starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times.

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34:2320 % average weight loss in one year in non-diabetics with obesity or overweight with a weight-related medical condition versus 3.1 % in placebo arm. Rx only. To stay informed about serious side effects, go to row.co slash safety. So we now need to introduce this character who's very important, a guy called Joseph Banks. Yes. Who actually, we should remember, it probably has more to do with what Australia becomes than Cook. Right. So the fact that Cook has held up as this kind of you know what do you think Australia should be what yeah exactly he's very much like wow another one that's when he sees New Zealand oh there's two anyway Joseph Banks is a yeah he's a he's one of the great early polymaths I think he's basically sets up Kew Gardens essentially he's a real plant botherer this cunt but he's been to he's been to Harrow, Eton and Oxford wow triple threat yeah yeah look at him he's a real coward as well yeah He personally finances the scientific team on the Endeavour.

35:18God, he looks good. He immerses himself in every aspect of the local life. He learns Tahitian words. He kills a swan and bakes it, because this is back when you could do that. Right. He enthusiastically participates in the South Pacific's free love culture. He gets involved. Is swan a dark meat? It is considered a dark meat, yeah. I love duck if it's similar to duck I reckon I'd fucking and pigeon pigeon's duck pigeon's good rich, gaming pigeon, I don't know pigeon's a bit shoddy for me it's banging yeah a bit shredded you'd love it yeah I'm a big duck guy it's ducky it's quite ducky but no one really knows how to use a duck quite like the Chinese like what's happened listen I mean duck confies they get a lot wrong the Chinese but no one knows their way better around a duck yeah fuck me I don't know what they're quite doing but European duck never tastes anything like Chinese duck nah don't know what's going on they should get more flowers for how they fuck up ducks, the Chinese.

36:15They should, yeah. Now, his luggage on the Endeavour is said to be twice the value of the actual shipping shelf. Okay, right. So he packs a guitar, a lot of Cheshire cheese, and some porter. Right. So he's a good bloke. Yeah. He's a chap. He's a chap, right. So there is... He takes his two dogs on board. He takes a cat to hunt the rats. And he takes a... His old woman to eat the fly. Kind of. And a veteran she-goat, which had already circumnavigated the world once. Yeah. and she never went dry quite a legendary goat this is the goat this is the goat the goat goat the goat goat of goats she never went dry so they can basically have goat's milk yeah so she's already circumnavigated the whole globe she's doing it again she's going again second tour she's lapping I mean really she's a goer really all the kind of stigma Cook gets this goat should have this goat did it all first yeah this goat is the problem yeah top all the statues of the goat yeah anyway the crew's about 100 men oh he's big into sauerkraut cook he's one of the original gut kraut gut nonces right you know all those like yeah gut biome kefir ugh he's all into that so this is the middle of the 1700s and this is where scurvy is still rife and stopping long voyages yeah no one knows why people are getting scurvy but after months and months at sea so many people are falling sick dying but no one knows what the cure is that in 1740 a Scottish person makes some sort of link, but they don't know it's vitamin C basically that stops you from getting scurvy.

37:49But because Cook is very dull, he's kind of like a Huel sort of diet guy. He just makes sure his crew is very well fed and that ends up stopping them from getting scurvy. He doesn't realise... It's mandated sauerkraut. Yes. It's kraut for breakfast. But he doesn't know why kraut works, but it is. But kraut, I would rather start the day with kraut than chocolate. Let's have a look at sauerkraut. get sauerkraut what is it it's not a coleslaw it's Protestant kimchi right it's cabbage you make it all you do is you just fucking rub it with some salt and then you leave it and it smells bad smells really bad it's great I was going to say I bet you got a real kraut vibe I love it yeah I bet you know how they say the gut is a second brain I reckon it's your first brain and that's the issue is that your head is actually your stomach I think that's your problem so So the crew departs, I think it's from Plymouth.

38:44Yep. August 26th of August, 1768. Immediately, Banks is violently seasick. So they go to Madeira, they recover. In October, they cross the equator. And the first timers, I guess the first people in the sea, they have to get in the sea or they have to pay a fine of four days of beer. Yeah, this is like a naval tradition, right? Yeah, you've got to get in the sea. But some people, I think, drown. Right. It's just a bit of fun. Why do they drown? because they can't swim. Right. I've crossed the equator on a boat. Yeah. But what's interesting, when you're at the equator, sunset is at the same time every day of the year.

39:19It never changes once. Oh, right. It's like, I don't know, 5.30 p.m. Yeah. Every single day. On the dot. On the dot without fail. And that's why the further away you get from the equator, the bigger the... Right. Yeah. Okay. So in early 1769...