England’s Own African Dictator | Henry VIII (Part 1/4)

0:00Hi baby, I'm your mum Anne and I think, I really think you're going to be a boy. I'm Dad. I don't care what you are as long as you're happy and healthy. Good, okay. Okay, three, two, one. Killer. Fanny's fucked. Killer. No! My name! My name! My name! My name!

0:37Welcome back to Fingles History. I'm joined by Ratio Gould. We're finally here. Today we embark on a huge series on the English African dictator, Henry VIII. English of the Armeen, English Gaddafi. This is the only real proper tyrant we have. Yes. You know, since Sadiq, I guess, but since Keir Starmer. Yes, exactly. This is the long road to Keir Starmer, Sadiq Khan, the original Henry VIII, the most famous king we've ever had. I'd say probably the most famous king. But is that just English people? I think everyone knows Henry VIII. I don't know how widespread it. Do Americans know Henry VIII? Yeah, I think he's the one guy they know.

1:20I mean, it's also the only thing that everyone's taught at school. Yes. Like, it feels like you skip over the Amritsa massacre. You skip over... The what? The Amritsa high five. I've never heard of that. Oh, the Amritsa high five. No, I'm aware. Yes, I'm aware of that. A great day. We don't learn about the kind of 1800s at all, really. No. But all you know about is that Henry got horny. Yes. I mean, Henry's horniness has defined a nation. It's echoed through the ages. It has. It's changed a bust heard around the world. Yes. The boner upon which our history hinged. It completely changes the way that we see the world through one man's boner.

2:00He course corrects England from a time where we were going to be a colder Italy. Yes. And then this great man, this friend of the pod, through his holiness, saves the nation. Yes. It's impossible to understand England without Henry VIII. One of the most vicious post-not-clarities there is. Yes. I mean, that is absolutely hilarious. I don't think, has post-not-clarity ever been so transformational? Yeah. I mean, is it clarity if it's like, can you take a head off, please? I think so. That's as clear as it can get. Today marks the start of a four-part series on the English tyrant, Henry VIII. In this first part, we will be dealing with a part of the story I didn't really understand or know, is that I didn't realise that he was the spare.

2:46Do you not know that? I didn't know that. Do you not know that it's basically he was raised to be Prince Andrew? Yes, yes. That's basically what happened. This is if Prince Andrew somehow ended up on the throne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So his brother Arthur had been taught how to be the perfect king by his very miserly tight bastard father, Henry VII. Henry VII, the Tudor technocrat. Yeah, exactly. We should sort of, let's get into... It's like Rachel Reeves in office, basically. Yes, exactly. And then the salvation of Henry VIII. The fat hero we didn't know we needed. So, yeah, it's impossible to understand England without Henry VIII.

3:21He is kind of our nation's lizard brain. Yes. In that it's the birth of Euroscepticism. It's the birth of English exceptionalism. It's the birth of Protestantism. All of it. He starts the Royal Navy. Yes. He destroyed loads of the monasteries. Behind my mum's house in Lewis, there's a massive priory that's been destroyed. So there's huge ruins left by a man's Horneus. It's extraordinary that behind the house that my mum lives in, you can see the ruins of a bus that's just destroyed huge an entire religious order i can't keep the white purged england clean and breaking news charlie's just found that josh widdicombe is descended from henry the eighth well the west has fallen if this great man has ended up you know i mean that that's just um yeah that's what's happened that's what men have been forced to be yes yeah men are now forced to do a podcast about parenting yeah about being a good dad means that any comedian less like henry the eighth than josh widdekombe he's hosting strictly come dancing all right the west has fallen this great country what is it one of josh's ancestors was groom of the stool to jiles the first do you know what groom of the stool is no it's when you it's the guy who would wipe the king's bum so well i don't it's highly coveted and influential well that doesn't seem to make sense then groom of the stool so how is he but how is he descended from the arse wiper of one of the kings and the actual king um unless the arse wiper shagged his way into the bloodline it's general which is very amazing what an amazing story of social mobility if the king's arse wiper is well no because charles ii is after henry viii so it's actually it's no it's a flip yes he he really fell from grace he really did it's riches to rags it is to bum rags yeah to do rags anyway um from from the throne to blood clad the josh riddicombe story that is not our episode today our episode is about henry the eighth yes the spare prince harry basically yeah but but prince andrew the reason he is the way he is is because he's a spare yes which is that you raise one to be very serious to learn about matters of state and the other one is just in case he dies so he's allowed to just go fuck anyone just a rapist but that doesn't explain henry the eighth completely yes he was never meant to be king he He was just on a trolley dash, just shagging.

5:44Oh, fucking yeah, exactly. Thank God there was no Epstein's Island. Because he would have been on it. I guess at this time, you know, England's just Epstein Island. Yeah. You know, they brought it to him, I suppose. So he's born in 1491, and you can't understand Henry VIII's mindset without understanding the Wars of the Roses. Now, we're not going to get into it because it's female history. It's guff. Right. But essentially, we touched on this with the Richard III series. there's a it's a soap opera it's a reality tv there's a 50 year long dynastic struggle between a bunch of uh weak men and munters right um bald women yeah and essentially uh in the battle of bosworth in 1485 uh henry tudor comes out of nowhere uh beats a cripple to death beats a cripple to death which isn't that heroic actually uh and then uh shoves a think he to pike up his ass and then he becomes Henry VII who reigns until 1509.

6:43Henry VII is a very boring... I like Henry VII. Of course you do. I love a real tight bastard on the throne. He is Rachel Reeves. He's Tudor Rachel Reeves. He invents the civil service, Henry Tudor. He does all the accounting himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not what a medieval king is meant to do. He's Jimmy Carter. He's, you know, he's a real... Peanut farmer. Supposedly he had a pet monkey that tore up his journals. We had a genuine gap in the historical record. I think that pet monkey may have been Henry VIII, his son, I think. What is it, Charlie? It's the worst I've ever been treated at work.

7:16I had a guy called *** who only ate yellow food. He was a tattoo artist. I used to work on tattoo fixes. And he brought in his pet monkey, which I think he got illegally. You just got it on line. And he brought it in and it pooed all over the floor. And then I had to clean up this monkey's poo. and then he tapped me on the head and asked for a tea. I'd be like, can I just finish tearing up your monkey's shit, please? Did you say that? Yeah. What does monkey poo smell like? Kind of human poo with like just a bit more gunk in it. We are the relatives, I suppose. We are related to monkeys. Thank you, producer Charlie, for that vital personal update.

7:57Let's return to the context of Henry VIII's reign. His dad had a pet monkey. Yeah, there's a genuine gap in the records. Now, Henry VII is a bureaucrat, a technocrat. And as you said, his first son, Arthur, was destined to be king. Yeah, Henry's just rattling around the place. He gets really into sport. And he's not a fat child. No. He is a muscular. Yes. It says in the research he has a muscular 34-inch waist, which I can only dream of. 34-inch. Muscular 34. My waist is 34. On a good day, my waist is 34. Right. If I've not eaten for a week, my waist is 34. A muscular, athletic 34-inch waist. But I guess he was tall, Emily, but you're gangly.

8:43Yes. But then if he ate, if you ate what he did after his accident. I'd hope so. I'd hope that I'd fill out. But I feel I'd just get like an ET belly. But again, you're not eating the amount of game meat that he's eating. anyway so he yes he's prince andrew but he gets into sport they didn't get andrew into sports no i think you can see that there was a boy who had a lot of energy who you needed to get into polo a lot of sexual frustration that he never had anywhere to take out on no apart from young women sadly um yes i mean he had a level of horniness that shocked even epstein yes with the emails he was coming out he's saying he's the only man hornier than me yeah basically it's not just free not so good you want it's like if he was doing an edmund show about how horny he was the quote would be the only man horny than me jeffrey epstein so he was a real mummy's boy and there's not much we know about him in his early years because he's basically just no one no one cares it's all about arthur yeah uh so arthur is with his dad who's boring yeah and his dad's just saying like forget about him i'm gonna make this the most boring king ever yeah this was the complete plan but also i guess the reason why the war of the roads are so important is because they're kind of usurpers, all the Tudors.

9:56They have a very weak claim to the throne. So that sort of explains a little bit of Henry VIII being as insecure and paranoid is because they don't really have a right for claims to the throne. No. And they kind of were like this sort of wrestler that entered in the last round with a chair and somehow ended up winning. And then it's all about securing the dynasty. Listeners, viewers, how many times? How many times have we had to tell you? Get on the Surfshark train now before it's too late. Quick, use it. What is it? Say it with me. It's a VPN. A Vagipity Network. A viral pedo node. It's a security tool that helps protect your privacy.

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12:02Wow. I mean, this is big news. I mean, you're finding out here that this is the Screen Rock podcast. This is a regular feature we do. We do a bit of race rankings. It's kind of like woke racism whilst talking about social media, really. That's our vibe. Exactly. We pretend that we want to talk about social media. Yeah, really, we want to talk about whether we prefer people from Pakistan or Brazil. And right now, Pakistan are winning, baby. So listen to the Screen Rock podcast, if that's the kind of thing. We'll see you there. Is everything we knew about warfare changing right before our eyes? The war in Ukraine began with tanks and infantry.

12:35Now drones, network systems and low-cost weapons wage a battle for dominance.

12:45In New Weapons for New Wars, a brand new limited series from This Is Not a Drill, we look at the fastest, most intense transformation of warfare in half a century. Automated battle systems that learn as they fight. Faster, more accurate missiles. Cheap drones that can take out a warship for less than the cost of a family car. And next generation defenses to keep enemies at bay that's new weapons for new wars with me gavin esther search this is not a drill on your favorite app now

13:24uh so like henry's always worried about securing the dynasty that's not something that just happens later uh anyway so he gets into uh horse riding jousting he likes real tennis you ever played real tennis is that real tennis it's um black tennis right uh no it's not it's just uh it's still a court in hampton hampton court that's kind of crazy you played it i have played real tennis yeah at hampton court hampton court yeah it's kind of nuts so that's this actual court that henry the eighth played at yeah what's the difference can you do it up against the wall it's sort of like squash and paddle and uh yeah it's it's a much more kind of mentally taxing game than tennis right why because you have to think about bouncing off the wall i think so your ball does like parkour as well sort of it's like uh there's sloping roofs and stone walls and there's like angles anyway so he gets he gets he's also he's big into hunting arching he's kind of a renaissance prince yes and this is why i find this story so so it's the beginning of the english renaissance it is it's basically 16th century yeah well he's the guy that takes us from the medieval period into the light yeah because the war of the roses basically the end of the middle ages yeah and he is still has the elements of medieval king but he's just he's the transition his his bust transitions us into the modern age but also it's such a male story yeah you know to be uh young and athletic right and handsome and to have hobbies and then to be so worn down by domesticity and and wifery that you became a fat tyrant fat tyrant yeah just going oh fuck off and just eat and just dying seeping pus everywhere because we talk about this history because it's very important to our actual history but lots of parts have defined us i think it's more the story just is very satisfying yes and is very relatable and the hubris of it all yes because it just all seems to come together as a very like i don't know satisfying story it's a male it's the male story yeah i think all of us can relate to this i mean this is your dad essentially yeah yeah definitely it's just and it's also it's the long road to to clarkson i mean you can't like i i thought clarkson a lot reading the research the english that english like wolf will fuck off why can't i john ball roast beef yeah fuck off what do you mean i can't do that fuck off that that that sort of that that part of the english brain is is descended from henry the eighth for sure i'm not sure he's really there before that part of the before henry the eighth um so it's the long road to john pork it's not the long road to john pork i don't know if john pork john pork is an ai pig that you've found on the internet okay and it's got nothing to do with anything yeah right arthur gets married to catherine of aragon in uh what year 15 something 1501 yeah uh spanish princess yeah now i will say there's a lot of rabbits for the dogs to look at this series loads there's a fleet of rabbits well i guess henry the eighth is a crossover between female and male history that's partly part of the reason why it's so popular as well because there's something for the girls very rare this happens titanic's the only other time i'd say yeah uh where both uh interests align uh because henry the eighth there's a kind of a soap opera there's true crime uh and from the male perspective uh it's just it's just sort of that's where that's our impulse is made yes i guess women look at it and saying like they relate to the idea of women having to i can fix him yeah i can fix him having to manipulate power having to kind of play off male egos and men can really relate to it because it's like well i'm fat and bald as well but also fuck imagine if you could just do that imagine if you could just fucking i'm bored of you yeah i mean obviously everyone knows the rhyme divorced beheaded died divorced beheaded survived yeah how would your what would your ex-girlfriend's rhyme be uh it'd probably be russian norwegian uh hippie yeah and then i mean i guess i'm gonna have to think forward now yes of course so it'd probably be thai that's where we're going next it'd be thai vietnamese indonesian lovely charlie's i guess would be um dumped because you were uh when were you dumped because you throwing poo into the toilet?

17:362021. So recent. 2020. Right. Turkish hungry sad. Turkish hungry sad. Angry tired mad. Yeah. What about yours? I dumped her on Valentine's Day because I was cool. That's quite a long first one. Yeah. Then I got dumped dumped and sad making my own hot sauce dark area of my life. Yeah. Married. And now you've got two more. Two more to go. Well, you don't know how marriage is going to turn out, so it could be beheaded. Yes, it could be beheaded. Self-immolated, self-defenestrated. Or to-erotic defenestrated. Or to-erotic defenestrated. Yeah, that's the end of my story. But Arthur is his brother, the heir to the throne.

18:24He marries a woman called Catherine of Aragon, who is European royalty. Charles V is an aunt, I believe. and she is a sort of quite eligible bachelorette. Well, she links her to the Spanish dynasty. I know Aragon is its own thing, but they're the most powerful country in the world by far at the moment. It's another country this time. Yes, the past is another country. And so they marry and Arthur is what, like 14? How old is he at this point? 14? He's 15. Right. And how old is Catherine? 16. Right. Oh, well. Barely legal teens. I don't have a woof noise to make. She's older. Yeah, so people are making tapestries of barely legal teens, basically.

19:08Yes. So now they are only married for a matter of months because Arthur, in 1502, succumbs to the Tudor sweating sickness. Which is the opposite of Prince Andrew, I guess. Or it is what Prince Andrew has. What? He's unable to sweat, which means he has to bust in 14-year-old girls. I'm very ill, Your Honour. Yes. I have a sweating sickness. It's because I'm a war hero, actually. There's a lack of sweating sickness. Yes, you're right. Yeah. And it has to come out somewhere. That's the problem. If you see me sweating a lot, that's actually all the cum I've not put in young girls. So actually, it's very good to be sweating that much.

19:51That's why I go to the sauna all the time. Just to stop being a paedophile. Actually, there is a science behind how much... Your Honour. that's how much that's why i'm sweating all the time um so yes the sweating sickness was something that's ripped through uh high society several times and it's kind of a mysterious tudor pandemic yes that seems to only attack the rich and wealthy yes we were saying it is like a rachel rachel reeves today yeah only attacking rich wealthy men women were immune it seemed turned out um so arthur dies of sweating sickness in 1502 now he'd only been married to 16 year old Catherine for a matter of months and couldn't hack it.

20:30Yeah. Couldn't hack married life. Spanish woman. Yeah. Come on. It's too much. Yeah. There were too many cushions on the bed that were not actually being used as cushions. Yeah, well he probably overheated from all the cushions. Yes. That's why he died on a sweat. That's why he sweated so much. Catherine Arrigan kills Arthur, I think it's fair to say. Yeah. And so he dies and now their marriage was probably never consummated, but this becomes a big deal. We don't know if 15 year old Arthur slings it up 16 year old catherine of aragon but are they are they i guess they are they legal at this point is there an age of consent i don't know if there is an age of consent uh it we should be stressed at this time very woke time no it's like i was thinking it's kind of the golden age for man spreading wouldn't you say yes i think this is like now 12 for girls 14 for boys interesting wow i do like the staggered ages i do like that because i what i do now not to defend this girls mature quicker than boys that's what i was gonna say not to defend this which is a there's a logic there which your honor there's a logic there girls mature quicker than boys can be a progressive thing or a very creepy thing yes girls mature quicker than boys could be like we need to you know support them differently academically yeah And we need to respect that they're emotionally more mature.

21:47Boys should be in school longer. Or if you're a bloke at the school gate. Oh, yeah. Being dragged away screaming girls mature quicker than boys. Yes. Well, it's similar to letting women breastfeed in public. It's either a very progressive thing and then it starts becoming very creepy. Yes. Like, no, no, I insist. Get those melons out. This is a safe space for you to breastfeed. And I'm going to sit here and watch it. So Arthur dies of sweating sickness in 1502. which means that Henry VIII becomes the heir when he's only 10 years old and so suddenly he has to leave all his fun sporty real tennis stuff with his mum who he loves and go and basically be fucking bring your kid to work day with boring technocrat Henry VII and so and also the Spanish had basically paid England this huge dowry to take Catherine of Aragon off their hands and they you know the court can't just give that money back so they gotta basically go right you gotta marry your brother's wife right so she's rattling around as a widower 16 year old widower is a red flag for me yes yeah not for me you've been run through 16 year old widower yeah it's young to be a widow but again in this day and age you know it's a very you gotta enjoy your youth you can't be a widower yeah it's a very patriarchal time this as we'll get into like women and childbirth it was seen as their fault what happened the result of childbirth yeah which we've moved very far away from now yeah which is a shame it is a shame it's much easier to understand if you go well you fucked it you fucked it you fucked it you couldn't even pop out on a live one you fucked it you had one job you had love you had one job alright I've done everything I had to have sex with you once I had to whore myself yeah and you barely put out for that as well no you just lay there and all you had to do was lie there for nine months and just eat while something grew and then you just came out dead well you fucked it you've completely fucked it I want a new one this one's broken that's kind of the that's the air that they're breathing I guess now white men have been taught not to take up as much space yes this is a real era where white men take up a lot of space well literally physically yeah just everything is is big yes um so uh he you know henry tudor dies in 1509 and so henry the eighth is only 17 and this point again he's athletic he's handsome he has a sort of rosy gingerish complexion uh small blue eyes he's a hot piece of ass he's hot he's a fit guy right he's an athlete yeah cum bucket he's a excuse me he's not a cum bucket he's a cum bucket yeah no he's young dumb full of cum right sorry Apologies.

24:38So he becomes king in April. I forgot I was speaking to a professional historian there. 1509. I have a degree. Henry VIII is young, dumb and full of cum. He's not a cum bucket. This is you, a talking head. Now, a common misconception that it's a cum bucket, but I would argue that he was more young, dumb, full of cum. No, he was young, dumb and full of cum. Catherine of Aragon was a rotting, rusting old cum bucket. Right, okay. As we'll get into. Again, I'm using the language of the time. It would be great to piece you into historical document. Yeah, just to hijack me into, oh fuck, this is also, you know, I can't believe we haven't talked about this guy already, but in researching Henry VIII, I finally got into the oeuvre of David Starkey.

25:17Oh yeah, this is his thing. And Starkey's journey is very similar to that of Henry VIII. Yeah, what's a young Starkey like then? Young Starkey is even - Can we see what young Starkey's like? Young Starkey in the 90s, 2000s is like, is better than Dan Snow. You know, he is, he's - Uh, yeah. I mean, he's certainly not a hot piece of ass. Yeah. Young David Starkey. David Starkey in the 90s, 2000s is, you know, he's the broadcasting ghost. Sure, yeah. He's going on question time and he's sort of like hitch slapping. He's stark mogging. He's truth and logic smashing. Yeah. But in the 90s, 2000s, he was seen as rude because he was so brilliant.

25:58Yes. Then I believe it's 2011 when the Tottenham riots kick off. Old Starkey comes out on question time and says, well, the problem here is that the whites are becoming blacks. And 2011 is too late for this sort of stuff. All right. He then doubles down. But a man whose head's entirely in history books, when he comes up for air, what he's going to say is not going to be... Don't ask him about 2011. Of course he thinks that. He's been studying the Tudor period his entire life. A brilliant man, but not one that you want to answer certain questions. He's not a current affairs man. Let's stop asking historians about the present day.

26:36That's where we all fall down. Yeah. Anyway, so he, and then becomes. And he carries on that line getting more and more. And then he's now a big GB news guy. Yeah. He was a massive Brexit guy. Yeah. Because he views it as the second break from Rome. Yes. But yeah. He loves it. He's also, there's a great clip of him destroying with truth and logic. Sorry, let's just, university, he resigned. Sorry, he resigns from something. No, he got all his academic titles stripped for saying that... What did he say about slavery? Yeah, I want to hear that. He said that basically everyone's trying to make out that slavery was like the Holocaust.

27:12It was actually a fucking laugh. Oh, this is it. Oh, yeah. He said that slavery was not genocide because, and I am quoting here, the survival of so many damn blacks. I mean, David, you can't be saying damn. David. If you're going to say something racist and you're a historian with glasses, you need to couch it in academic language. Yeah. You can't have an emotive, aggressive term. One of the foundations of this podcast. You have to couch it. Couch it. Damn blacks. Are you crazy? Come on. He's a hedonist is what he is, and that's why he should be strict. Yes, he is. You've got to have some discipline.

27:45Yes, come on. You can't just fucking. You can't be firing out damn. A glutton. Yeah, he is. He's greedy. But he ends up, much like Henry VIII, completely sort of isolated. Anyway. But anyway, but I got to watch him in his pomp for these documentaries. He's uploaded all of them to YouTube because he has nowhere else to put them. So Henry VIII is crowned in June 1509. We should place 1509. It is after Richard III tried to fuck his horse. Yes. And it is before... A lesbian found him in a car park? Yes, must be. Yeah. It definitely is. What is it, Charlie? It's also before Scampi. It's pre-scampi.

28:27These really are the dark ages. And when are scampi fries? Scampi fries are... I imagine 70s. It feels like the 70s. 1920. Wow. Wow. They're delicious. They are brilliant. Do you prefer them or the bacon ones? Scampi fries. I think scampi fries. Every time. Yeah. So, 1509, pre-scampi, pre-scampi fries. Catherine, at this point, is 23. Can these dogs see the first rabbit of the series? We've got a lot to get through. A lot of rabbits to look at. We do need to rank them. We've got her behind us. We have got her behind us. Was she the first one there? Yeah. She doesn't look great in that one. She looks too young there, Charlie.

29:09I want an older vintage, please. Sensible. She seems like a sturdy woman. Just say you're on Hinge and she pops up. What are you? I'm pausing. I don't know which way to swipe. which swipe left is that she's got she's got a monkey in the photo i think right is yes okay well i'd swipe left but i would pause thinking this is this is the woman you marry though to me she's more wife material than she looks dour yes but that's wife material she's a dour ass white girl she's a dour ass white girl a doug um yeah i not not for me Catherine I'm more of a Cleaves guy Anna Cleaves what a fucking hot piece of that yeah brutal woman I like him stinky I like him stinky I like him ugly yeah I like him I'm making continental stuff yeah continental breakfast for me who's that that's Anna Cleaves yeah she looks great I mean that's the whole point you know when someone is so ugly they're attractive the horseshoe they're so interesting to look at do you have any celebrity examples BB must think this what about there's so much there's so much going on that you're like lost in the or it's a yeah it's a facial flashbang isn't it yes exactly it's there's a there's just too much happening what's going on and then ugly hot that's the term they use because then you feel more attracted to them because you've had to do a lot of work to find them yes it's more satisfying it's very satisfying it's not quick release no yeah it's a slow dopamine high Sydney Sweeney is like it's like a reflex yes my bone is a reflex but someone like But this is the difference between watching like Sheree Blair TikToks and reading a book, they're different pleasures it's a higher pleasure They are different pleasures but I feel like reading a book is better for your brain That's what, like So jacking it to Sheree Blair is better for me than ranking to Sidney Sweeney Because you have to do a lot of work yourself Yes, my brain is working out in the muscle like trying to find it There's got to be something attractive about this one Exactly.

31:20He becomes king 1509, and he's married the 23-year-old, six years older, which this time is significant. Yeah, she's a MILF. She's Spanish MILF. Do you struggle to keep up with the news every week? The Bunker has got you covered. Every Monday, we release Start Your Week, where we go over the big stories to follow in the coming days. And then on Fridays, we have our weekly wrap-up, where we give you the context and the meaning behind the biggest and the weirdest stories of recent days. Search for The Bunker wherever you get your podcasts And subscribe so you never miss an episode Is everything we knew about warfare changing right before our eyes?

32:01The war in Ukraine began with tanks and infantry Now drones, network systems and low-cost weapons wage a battle for dominance

32:15In New Weapons for New Wars, a brand new limited series from This Is Not a Drill, we look at the fastest, most intense transformation of warfare in half a century. Automated battle systems that learn as they fight. Faster, more accurate missiles. Cheap drones that can take out a warship for less than the cost of a family car. And next generation defenses to keep enemies at bay. That's New Weapons for New Wars with me, Gavin Esther Search This Is Not A Drill on your favourite app now

32:54It's time for race rankings We've ranked Pakistanis high recently but let me tell you about Karoolean Indians Oh, they're performing well at the moment Listen, they are hot, sexy Indians They are some hot property And they are top of my list of my favourite races of people right now. Wow. I mean, this is big news. I mean, you're finding out here that this is the Screen Rock podcast. This is a regular feature we do. We do a bit of race rankings. It's kind of like woke racism whilst talking about social media, really. That's our vibe. Exactly. We pretend that we want to talk about social media. Really, we want to talk about whether we prefer people from Pakistan or Brazil.

33:28And right now, Pakistan are winning, baby. So listen to the Screen Rock podcast, if that's the kind of thing. We'll see you there. and so the first thing he does is he kills Emson and Dudley who were Henry VII's civil servants okay that's a good start that's off to the races good firm break with the boring technocrat previously and now what have Emson and Dudley done apart from being really boring Emson and Dudley sounds like a fucking it's like an accountancy firm yeah or it sounds like a fucking cobblers heavy taxation now that's interesting now that's very Clarkson yeah out the gate exactly so they were big taxing but it seems like they were just doing the job for his father and he was like right fuck them off not even can you fire them can you exile them no execution punching a producer stuff this yeah Clarkson fuck off I want a steak fuck off bang can we have a look at Epson and Dudley I want to have a look at him can we get some eyes he's doing a lot of he's doing a lot of fucking tournaments and athletic stuff he's doing a lot of jousting now ways that he's not like Clarkson is his fit he's very into fashion and perfume yes which Clarkson I don't think it is Clarkson only takes one part of Henry VIII I think he leaves all the fashion gay stuff no but he thinks fashion is like another it's red tape jeans yeah are like the simplest you know this frictionless way of moving through the world jeans shoes blazer I can go anywhere right I don't want to have to be told there's a dress code fuck off so he'll wear jeans and a blazer no matter where he's at in the sauna or at a wedding it doesn't matter it's the perfect frictionless combination jeans smart shoes shirt blazer I can go anywhere so is that Epson and Dudley speaking to Henry the 17th I mean look at that that's brilliant now we need to introduce one of his first I mean Henry the 8th goes through people and women people and women what a distinction he goes through men and women like nobody's business so we need to introduce his first assistant Thomas Wolsey who's a very he's quite an interesting bloke I mean this whole period is so all the people around court seem to live very interesting kind of exceptional lives as well seems to be the kind of beginning of like a sort of golden age of brilliant people in England that sort of ends in you know after Dunkirk basically so Thomas Wolsey was a butcher's boy which is kind of quite low in the sort of English car system but he basically through sheer tenacity got to be cardinal and essentially became Henry VIII's right hand man so Henry VIII just wanted to go and play sport and fuck and he runs the state and so Wolsey just does everything very well at this point so he's now he's deeply committed to the Catholic Church because at this point listeners everyone is everyone's Catholic these are the dark ages Henry obviously the first thing the first order of business on becoming king is to get your cum bucket of a wife to slop out a boy right not to get all academic but that's the first thing you need to do in 1511 Catherine of Arrogant gives birth to a boy end of story Prince Henry he's called and Henry VIII has a massive they have a big celebration feast, jousting seven weeks later the boy dies which we'd have to say is Catherine's fault.

37:01Yes. The milk wasn't good enough. Yeah. Milk gone bad. You had two jobs. You had two jobs, right? Yeah. Give birth to it, then feed it, and you've fucked it. So, now, Catherine of Aragon does have a child that survives in 1516, but it is a girl, so it's pointless. Yep. This is, this is China stuff. Yeah, it really is. It's 20th century China, really. It's the closest we've come to it. I mean, yeah, it's a very different time when a man can wait outside the birthing room. Yeah. And then here it's a girl and you say, fuck, shit. Well, there's just never, there's never been a more tense gender reveal party.

37:45Yeah. This is very, very different to now. Yeah. When, you know, the birth, you know, Henry VIII never said we're pregnant. Was your first child, your first child's a girl? Yes. Yeah, so you probably wouldn't socially acceptably be able to scream fuck when you found out. At the ultrasound. Fuck! This is your fault! Yeah, again. So it's a very different time. I put man come in you. How have you done this? Yeah, I come men. How have you turned it into a girl? You witch. So Mary is born in 1516, but he keeps having a crack at this. so he keeps putting man babies in Catherine and Catherine keeps turning these men into women into girls and stillborns which are the same thing at this time and age this day and age it's just a stillborn who won't shut up you know the best thing about stillborn is that they're not fucking yapping all the time they can keep their mouth fucking shut yeah so so Henry's obviously getting very very frustrated with his broken spanish wife who keeps slopping out girls and stillborns so uh he starts uh trying to distract himself by uh aping his hero and probably the greatest king to have lived to this point in in time hemi the fifth as you call um because this is only it's about 100 years after asian great granddad isn't it oh no it will be something no it won't be because War of the Roses.

39:18But so he tries to war with France. Yeah. Which is kind of a way to escape the frustration. But War of the Roses is coming off the back of 100 Years' War and it's the kind of the age of chivalry. It's sort of the birth of England and France as a rivalry. They've defined themselves against each other. The idea of a nation of England sort of born out of that. But he's read all these chivalric tales and you sort of built on the idea of honour being you take a chunk out of France. And I think at this point Calais is English, I think. Yes. Bits of France are English. Well, these days. But I want to bring that back, the idea that you can get honour by just taking a chunk out of France.