Everybody Hates Raynald | Saladin & The Third Crusade (Part 1)

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1:27Welcome back to Finn vs. History. It's time for another urgent academic discussion. This time, Horatio Gould joins me to unpack the Third Crusade, Horatio Gould. Charge! Okay, I was listening to Melvin Bragg on the way in, and he really doesn't fuck about with the intro. No, he doesn't. He's fucking... Right, you, now, speak, now, quickly. I love it when he's getting someone to an expert to talk about it, he'll correct them. Yeah, but when you say this, though, because what I would do, you know, He's always like, just let me drive. He backseat drives while he has experts on. Yeah, it's phenomenal.

1:55His wife must have a horrible time in the car. I cannot imagine. Melvin Bragg's wife trying to park. Come on, then. Come on. Come on. I mean, you married a man called Melvin, so. Bring it back. I think Melvin. Bragg. Bragg. Come on. Melvin. Bragg. Today, we're talking about the Third Crusade. We are picking up a series that we've begun right at the start of this podcast. One of my most uncomfortable cold plungers. Now, seeing as we've gone through a lot of history since, do you feel you'd revisit it with more relish now? The First Crusade? Yeah. No. Still? Listen, we've had a lot of fun recently.

2:30Sure. Idi Amin. Yeah. Hunger Strikes. Battle of Britain. But, you know, you can't just live off of steak. It's true. You've got to have some fibre. Look what's happened to Jordan Peterson. Exactly. Where is he? Supposedly he's dying somewhere. he's struggling because he's not eating enough greens yes you've got to have the yeah you've got to have the yin and the yang yes you know it's got to be some balance and harmony mix some spinach in with your eggs yes you know give your piles a chance give piles a chance you don't want you can't just have the uncle coming over the aunt needs to come as well yes an uncle on his own dangerous very dangerous he needs an aunt yes without an aunt there he will molest you not because he's pervert he doesn't know what to do he doesn't know what to do he's bad at small talk okay come here then oh sorry sorry i don't know what to do so this is aunt history aren't history for the aunts sort of though but this is surely lionheart crusades long road to 9-11 yeah yeah yeah muses versus chrisos muses versus and it's live come on like surely this is like this one does fire me up a bit more i think of all the crusades this is the most cinematic this has the most this has characters right lionheart versus saladin yeah it feels like there's a chivalry going on there there's a lot of homerotic tension which you know I love yes I know you Lou so let's we're into the Crusades this is the the long road well it's I mean it's it's complete end to end history this region the Middle East it's still not settled it's crackling constantly it's never chilled out once no well to be honest this is one of the most relaxed it's ever been at the moment the Third Crusade no no currently currently currently the Middle East is as chilled as it's ever been oh it's a fucking picnic currently the Middle East I'm finding it discerning how quiet the Middle East is at the moment there are people living in Gaza being like bloody hell we'll look back on these days halcyon days what a time to be garden you know when there's just one enemy yeah and don't make too much noise or else they'll realise how quiet it's been yeah yeah just enjoy it enjoy it silently we're in the where are we in the end of the 12th century is that where we are and let's just have a little recap of the start So the First Crusade, which we dealt with...

4:48The beginning. ...100 episodes ago. Starting gun fired between the Mizzies and the Krizos. Now, what's funny is at this point, obviously, the First Crusade begins in the 11th century. Islam is but 300, 400 years old. But it's probably the most... It's probably... You were going to say explosive there, weren't you? Yeah. And you ducked. I didn't actually duck. I was going to double down on explosive. They've suicide bombed their way out of the gate. what people don't talk about with islam is it's basically the most the quickest growing empire of all time as a land conquest it like started in the 600s with muhammad who was himself a military commander yes and it just exploded so this has all happened in 300 years but it's like there's probably nothing quite like it maybe apart from the mongols basically but you have uh this very rapid growth so you have the big bang yeah and then you have the second bang which is the start of islam and then that they what's funny to me is that christians in the sort of 800s 900s would be looking at islam yeah the way that we look at mormonism yeah in that it's a new religion you know it's ridiculous yeah what do you mean it's you know you can't just invent this is like hippie dippy bollocks yeah yes could you say islam's hippie dippy bollocks not now not nowadays no one thing i do respect about muslims though they they never ever duck a fight do they if they ever think any no matter what the odds are no no matter what they've got they never ever miss a chance come on then come on then yeah no they clap back um and so the first crusade this was when pope urban one of the many characters oh shit man um he called for a crusade not bo Vernon Charlie, Pope Urban II.

6:33Pope Urban II. He called for a crusade at 1095 because I believe it was the Seljuk Turks had taken Jerusalem. They'd filled Jerusalem with chili and garlic sauce. Yeah, and they hated it. The Chrissies could not take it. Basically, the growing Muslim empire was now infringing on the Christian holy lands. Yes. And so they had to unify as a Christian force. Because Palestine was Christian for 600 years. Never forget. Never forget. So when people are like, oh, they've been there for that. Well, who was there for, you know, everywhere's been somewhere before the current iteration. Right. So anyone can do that.

7:09When I say free Palestine, I mean, make it Christian again. I mean, all the way back. Make Palestine Christian again. Make Palestine Christian again. You have the People's Crusade, which is the funniest bit. That's where... Homeless guy just says, let's go fucking early. Do you eat back anything? It's a stag do. Yeah. It's Charlie on holiday. And they go through, I think it's France and Germany. and then when they get to Germany, they just inexplicably massacre thousands of Jews. They had no choice. When in Rome. Anyway, they... When anywhere where Jews are. Where anywhere. When on earth. Slaughter Jews.

7:41Now, the first crusade is the only, from the Christian perspective, successful one. Yeah, fully successful, yeah. Yeah. They retake Jerusalem in 1099. The second crusade we have skipped because it's... But you have big names. You have Raymond. You have Baldwin. You have Roger. You know, these are the people who have taken back to Jerusalem. The uncles. The uncles. The uncles of Storm. I mean, Baldwin becomes King of Jerusalem. I know. You know how uncles have fallen. They have. The fall of the uncle. You know, uncles, Roger, Baldwin and Raymond. You hear those names now. You think, call social services.

8:16Where are their aunts? These are auntless uncles. They left the aunts at home. Always be afraid of an auntless uncle. Nothing more dangerous. So the second crusade we are skipping. because that is boring. I'm more of a First Crusade guy than Third Crusade, but we can both agree. Are you genuinely? I think First Crusade as a narrative is more satisfying. Really? And it feels like it was actually stacked against the odds because the First Crusade, this is when Britain, when Europe are still thick, ugly dummies. And we basically managed to barrel their way through. Yeah. It was kind of like a cup run.

8:49Yes, I know. I understand. Yeah. I suppose it's Wigan winning the FA Cup, isn't it? Yeah, that's what it actually was. And Third Crusade, you have like good bits, but it doesn't like have as neat a story don't end up with Baldwin on the throne I guess the third crusade is maybe Leicester winning the league where it seems romantic but actually there was quite a lot of money behind it and then the fourth crusade is when the guy fucking helicopters into the pitch I don't know anyway so the second crusade is 1147 to 1150 this is when the Edessa falls to Muslim forces King Louis the seventh of France they try and conquer Damascus they don't but there are these crusader states which is what's now uh israel um parts of syria is not israel and current crusader state cook wouldn't you say that could be a think piece maybe in a way well is it sort of is a western outpost the middle east right well there are people who say that the crusades with the with the first um was the first imperialism right interesting that's just because that's that's because they're biased against white people Exactly.

9:54But also that came out in the 19th century when Empire was fashionable.

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10:47Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweet Green's fall harvest menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels and crave worthy flavors in the autumn harvest bowl, maple glazed salmon plate and roasted bacon Brussels side. The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweet Green featuring fall's best dressed. Make your move. Order on the Sweet Green app. the crusader states are christian states in the middle east uh now their survival depends on the fact that the muslims are divided sunni and shia and then lots of like different little factions all that lot and then what is it come here sonny you little shy shia it's not um this is our peace envoy for the middle east yeah i'm i'm not sure it's it's worth the swing is getting charlie in as his spokesperson.

11:44You're on the border. Come here, Sonny, you little shite. I guess we are all the same. Are you, has Trump got you on the Gaza border piece? Yeah. Yeah. Come here, Sonny, you little shite. Yeah, that's going to work, is it? In a way, it's so ignorant and, you know, sort of offensive to both that I think both of them would just be staring at you. I guess we are just on a rock. Yeah. Maybe this doesn't mean much. Well, we're not him. Are we? So, yeah, maybe we should just chill out. Connect on their hatred of Charlie. Yeah.

12:24So, anyway, yes, divided Muslims. But this changes with the rise of the first character in this story. Caesar Saladin. Muhammad Saladin. I'm sorry. Caesar Saladin. Saladin. Now, lots of people, Dan Snow, Dan Snowdrum, he pronounces salad in salad salad salad cream yeah mohammed salad mohammed salad cream he uh i mean he does he he is he is goated and based to be fair to him to be fair to goated and based but uh it's a silly name salad it's hard to be salad yeah it's hard to have a lot of aura if you're called salad especially especially that's australian slang for hair isn't it is it yeah look at that salad you got there.

13:09Interesting. Isn't it, Charlie? Sorry? What were you going to say? Well, isn't it like being called Segesist Inn or Sebuddin? Sebuddin? What? It's not It's not Allah. No, it's Salad. Salad. Salad. Inn. Get the salad in. Get the salad in. Let's get the salad in. Yeah. Call the guy. Let's get the salad in. Yeah, a bunch of vegans on the night out. Get the salad in. Go on, go on. I'll get the salad in. Three bags. Yeah. Three bags of rocket. Yeah. Because we party clean. Yeah. we work hard we party clean get the salad in lads go on that's a great motto we work hard we party clean saying that what absolute fucking nonsense are doing that no i party clean yeah no i'm not drinking no i'm fucking clean fucking clean uh fiber parties fiber all right hey yeah i don't hate that well i mean seeing we were talking before i think i need a lot more fiber in my diet i do believe this is the year of fiber last year was the year of protein i think fiber's coming in i think this is the year of the water horse isn't it i don't think it's year of fiber the chinese year of fiber yeah um but i i do think i know i do think the protein thing will correct and we need some more fiber we have been fetishizing protein i do agree with that um and this is fiber in many ways yeah it is uh but yeah i do think fiber parties seeing as the state of charlie's gut what you were just talking about sorry charlie's been on holiday for about four weeks and been eating like actual dog food before we get before we get to charlie's gut are you suggesting that in the way that we have like grenade protein bars we're going to have like poo bars i've got fiber powder genuinely so like because because i've been gigging a bit more and sometimes it just you're partying clean clean i'm working on it snorting lines of fiber powder It is unbelievably disgusting.

14:59Yeah. Like it does actually, you trust it because it's so disgusting. Well, hang on. So it's like a white powder you just put in water at the end. If I've left, if I've finished the end of the day and I'm like, fuck, I forgot to have any fiber. I've eaten like a dog. Then I will just chuck white powder. It literally looks like Coke. In a glass of water. And it just... So it's like a Barocca, but for your bum. But it tastes like... A bum rocker. It tastes like flavorless cum. what's the point what's the point in flavorless gum so you're getting none of the notes well unscented cum i might as well drink water what's the point of drinking flavorless it's got lots of fiber in it right it's cum it's cum fibrous charlie no no my fiber powder tastes like i'm not not saying anything about the fiber quantity of cum but let's let's find out is is cum charlie is our cum correspondent uh semen is uh can feel fibrous that is a misnomer no uh it's hyperviscous.

15:57It makes it harder for sperm to move. So they're just like... Yeah. Well, that's good. So, but you're not making a fiber shake in the way that you'd hide, people hide whey protein, which is essentially animal feed, right? That's what they give to pigs. They hide that in like slushies with fruit juice. Yeah. It is, I mean, it is insane. So do you think that's all bollocks, the protein shake? No, I have protein shakes. Yeah, because they're nice. Yeah, they are nice. But my point is, it's quite funny when you actually tell someone, that when they're ordering a seven pound protein shake that you are, what you're doing is you're putting pig feed and apple juice and some spinach in a blender.

16:31Yeah, it's a really bad milkshake just but with the pig feed is what you think cancels out. You know, the powdered pig feed. Well, I'm just saying, I'm just saying you're drinking pig feed. As long as you're aware of that, that's fine. But I think what I should be doing is getting that fiber powder and putting it into a protein shake because at that point - We're just on liquid foods, you know? You're speaking this audience's language. So anyway, you were saying that you've just eaten dog food for a week Charlie yeah delicious uh beef tartare amazing beef tartare cigarettes and Aperol is what I've been disgusted my girlfriend Bibi was truly disgusted watching Charlie we we went away and Charlie had a whole floor to himself thank God yeah there was two bathrooms there was two couples and Charlie uh all four of us shared one bathroom fish wheel spare tire in a car so remember there was four of us sharing one bathroom that worked perfectly two couples sharing one bathroom yeah and then one man on his own floor with two bedrooms and one bathroom okay uh and where did where did the poo go out of those locations let me finish uh so after bb had been quite disgusted watching charlie uh steak tartare on the mountain is that raw so and said it looked like pedigree chum which he did um in the night i think bb went up to the landing near charlie's floor to get like a towel uh and she heard furious flushing and then and i quote the worst smell i've ever smelt right and then so she was like truly like kind of quite traumatized by the smell but she's so nice whole floor uh and then the next night she had to go up again and the exact same thing was happening and basically just every night he's running around like after we've gone to bed charlie's rattling around nearly always looking for toilet roll he's gonna like and just the worst smell and we have no idea what he's doing up there he's fucking what's fascinating about charlie we're now spending more time than i've ever spent with him is that he'll involve the whole house whenever he's a shit like everyone gets like she said so i think i was just eating so look all this dog food and it made me like it really did I think probably her seeing you eat that and then smelling you later was quite quite a lot panicking I was panicking well anyway so the third crusade begins because Saladin that's where we were now who is Saladin he is the sort of a Muslim unifier he's one of the he's one of their great guys in history they've got a lot of great generals that I think we don't really talk about or they all blend into one but Saladin is he's born in Tikrit, which is Saddam's birthplace.

19:18Hello. Pouring out for Saddam. And Saladin, basically, he consolidates power just as the Crusader states start to sort of falter. So he's born in Tikrit, 1138-ish. He's Sunni. Sunni. Sunni. He's from a Kurdish military family and he first rises to prominence in Egypt where his uncle, Dangerous, and Arthur's uncle, Shirkou, he is leading military campaigns. And then this is the fatty mid, the fatty mid caliphate. Fatties. Fatty mid. Yeah. Mid fatties. Yeah, fat and mid. Yeah, Christ, what a combo. They're ruling. And then Shirkou, the uncle, he becomes the ruler of Egypt in 1169, but dies supposedly from overeating at a banquet.

20:08Quote, he consumed an excessive amount of rich meat and suffered a fatal digestive collapse. Weird theme of this episode. There, but for the grace of God go I. It's like I'm reading my own future. Let he who has not had a heart attack at a banquet table first throw a check in the bone. No, it's not a heart attack. It's a fatal digestive collapse. So is that fecal vomiting? Oh, I really hope it's not that. But is that a digestive collapse, right? Well, I don't know if it's a collapse. When the shit says, we're going to have to go back the other way. Let's go through the sunroof. It's a C-section for your shit.

20:39No, it's not fecal vomiting, which I don't really want to get into. It's already quite a fibrous episode. But I imagine, collapse implies that your ass just falls out and you die. It's a batting collapse of his ass. Batting collapse from the bum down. So then Saladin, his nephew, becomes the Prime Minister of Egypt, essentially. Prime Minister, I mean, you know. The visor. Visor, I mean, whatever that is. Anyway, over time, he starts to strengthen the divided Muslim states. I think he may be, does he conquer Syria as well I think? I think he's in charge of Egypt and Syria and Baghdad he abolishes the fatty mid-caliphate the mid-faties and restores Sunni allegiance get rid of them anyway there's a guy called Nur ad-Din who he was in charge of everything I think so Saladin is the sort of he controls Egypt's wealth and army and then Nur ad-Din is maybe the big boss I don't know anyway relations grow tense Nur ad-Din is about to assert direct control over Saladin and Egypt, but then he dies unexpectedly as well.

21:47Another fatal digestive collapse, we can't but imagine. Which must have been quite a common cause of death in the 12th century. They didn't have a common understanding of fibre like we do. They didn't have fibre powder. That could have saved them. We should place this. This is pre-fibre powder. So we are in... Let's find out when the first fibre powder was then. Yes, yes. Thank you, Charlie. When is the first fibre powder? When is the first sad end of the day 1934 wow so that's okay so it's before and what's it made on seed husks so you're drinking seed husk seed husk yeah so there are men there are men out there who will live off pig feed and seed husks and these are supposedly our role models these are alpha chads these are alpha chads yeah these have gained a system they've broken out of the matrix yes yes the matrix of taste buds I have this I have this sort of argument every time I see my personal trainer he's helping me you know get piles or whatever up the stairs i get up the stairs he's helping me crawl to the toilet i am helping him stop eating cat food oh really yes is he listening to you no he's not listening but i'm listening to him i mean it's too you know no one's listening really i'm still at the bottom of the stairs my trousers around my ankles and he's to the top of the stairs eating cat food so you know we're not really uh we're not really listening to each other at the moment yeah um but no he's like tinned you know just tinned fish yeah and just sort of slop some like sweet chili sauce on it yeah and then he is he single i think so yeah a young single man a young single man i think you are allowed to eat like that because i think once you find someone yeah you're not allowed to eat like that anymore so i think enjoy it while you can i guess it's also it's suspicious to be young and single and to be like really cooking well that's gay stuff i think gay stuff builds it like there's a bit it's a little bit rapey do you think do you think what do you think it's a bit like American Psycho?

23:38Like, why are you getting so into, it's like a guy who's too into giving head. Do you know what I mean? To other men? No, to women. Oh, right. Do you know what I mean? It puts a bib on. Do you know what I mean? Gets the lobster claw. It's just a bit too, like, come on, there's something just to be weird. Why have you brought a bucket with a shell?

24:00A dipping sauce. If it's a branded bib as well, if it's like one of those, you know. Yeah, his own brand. Yeah. looking to put pussy yeah this is what pussy it looks like um what's it called what's it called like a when you have like a bucket of um shellfish i think it's a bucket of shellfish i don't know is there a special name like a like a crab bucket i don't think it's this special word that you're looking for i think there is there's a seafood boil is what i mean you get it comes in a big plastic bag and then it's like tomatoey sauce that you're sucking on it's like yeah anyway It's like a Louisiana, yeah.

24:31But we don't think Salad Krim had any of this stuff going on. Yeah, Mohammed Salad Krim. We don't know with Mohammed Salad Krim. Now, were Muslims, are they like Jamaicans? Are they eating pum? Or is that haram? I think that's haram. Is that haram? I think, but then this stage of Muslims is quite different to what we have now. Because this is when they're like kind of enlightened. This is kind of woke Muslims before it took a hard turn. Because this is when they're the most sophisticated, enlightened people in the planet. it and we're saying now i don't i don't think they have the best sense of humor in the world um they're not addicted to banter no you that's one thing you can definitely say and i don't mind saying that and if you kill me fair play yep you have to admit that your your favorite thing in the world is not having a laugh no that's fair not saying that's most important thing though no but you can't say that's your favorite thing no telling people off having a laugh because they like that.

25:26They like that a lot. But this is when I think they were having a bit more of a laugh. But also in this... Because they seem like very mature and cultured and they're just like looking at the... The big stereotype of Europeans was that we fucking stank. Yeah, we stank. I'm spending a week with Charlie. I'm like, you know, you're not wrong. They think we stink and also that we're fat and that our bellies, they're like, look at their silly bellies. Yeah, it's like judging Britain from just watching Fat Families or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Or walking down the high street. Or walking down any high street town in the UK.

25:59Any regional seaside town. The West of Torland. I feel like a 12th century Muslim watching the First Crusade come. Who the fuck are these people? Mobility scooters. Mobility scooters, single crutch, fighting off seagulls for chips. Ah! You know, queuing out the side of the pound saver. It's bleak. And I feel like, you know, I feel like, God, these people don't even wash their bottoms after a poo. Yeah. Filthy. So you're right in that this is, at this day and age, the 12th century, the Muslims are the sophisticated society and the West is just an awful stag do. It's a massive toilet. It really is.

26:38Saladin takes control of Syria after Nur ad-Din unexpectedly dies. So by the early 1180s, Saladin has unified Egypt and much of Syria. But if we get to the geography of this, the Egypt and Syria, obviously they surround the Crusader States. It was now Israel and Lebanon and all that. The key ones are on the coast because it opens up a trade route into Europe. Yes. So yeah, there you go. You've got Israel and Lebanon. Those were probably the Crusader States. You've got Acre, Antioch, that sort of stuff. So Saladin has achieved a Muslim unification, a unified front. That was part of the reason the first Crusade from the Christian perspective is that the Muslims have been divided.

27:23But now the Muslims have big salad cream. Yeah. They're ready. So Saladin starts to fight the Crusader states because he wants Jerusalem back. You know, he starts to promote jihad. Loves it. Loves jihad. And in this day and age, jihad, I guess, maybe makes more sense because it's a counter-crusade. It's the Middle Ages. It's the Middle Ages, yeah. There's a lot of the criticism, maybe unfair, thrown at ISIS. yes you know who've got a tough run rubber the green in this country i feel no it's good and bad stuff but let's get into the bad first that they're they're they got medieval ideology yeah which i guess is a fair comment but when it's the middle ages to have medieval ideology it's sort of like path of the course cutting edge at this time they were cutting it they were you hear jihad and you think that's bad you're like that's just normal that's completely normal no it is weird doing it in the age of the air fryer yes come on yeah i think we've moved on we've moved on from i'm not dressing up with chain mail with a big cross on my belly air frying i've let crusading go okay i no longer a crusader i feel like some people in the the muslim world once again don't want to you know cause any offense uh are people who are like were popular at school and have not let go yeah they're still wearing all the kind of school attire they've got all their trophies and pictures up it's like let it go yeah you're 30 now okay there are new yardsticks jihad is a young man's game it really is come on but also to be fair devil's advocate there are several people who i imagine listen to this show in their their social media profile picture will have a knight's templar of course and you know well someone's got to hold carry the fight well exactly carry the flag if you start jihading we'll start crusader and to be honest they all look like crusaders did back in the day so they haven't involved yeah they stink they're big bellies and they're stupid they asked yes yeah so he promotes jihad which again for its time way ahead of the curve it's like using ai now so he unifies muslim territories uh now he's like we're going to retake jerusalem which of course which is what the third holiest city in islam yes getting greedy at this point yeah it's the most holy city in christianity so can't we just do a deal you know you got mecca and medina now why aren't we going into mecca as crusaders yeah and then oh well that's actually our fourth most holy.

29:43Yeah. I mean, it's not though, is it? It's not. Our fourth most holy is probably like Portsmouth. I don't know if that's... Well, you've got Vascon. You've got, well, it depends which sect because you've got like, you've got, well, it used to be Byzantium was the most holy, second Rome, but that's gone. They're taking that as well. Yeah. Bloody hell. Bloody hell. These days. These bloody days. Anyway, he wants to make Jerusalem, Jerusalemistan. No Jerusalem. Jerusalem, and Medinistan. That's what they say when he conquers it. Like, bloody hell. He brings in ultra-low emission zone. Yeah. It's, yeah, it goes, yeah, goes down the toilet.

30:20Anyway. Bethlehem, that's in Palestine. I suppose Bethlehem, Vatican. Yeah. The Crusader states are positioned in between Saladin's territories. He wants to make Jerusalem, Jerusalem and Medinistan. Then tensions begin to escalate because of provocations from a guy called Reynold of Châtillon. Everyone hates him. Which is not Charlie, calm down. You're Charlie of Châtillon. so everybody hates reynold would be the show yeah lovely stuff everybody hates reynold now he's a crusader lord and he develops a reputation among both the muslim and christian chronicles of the age for extreme violence opportunism yeah uh and disregard for truces it would be a better sitcom i think yeah it's also quite funny how in the script is extreme violence opportunism and disregard for truces as if it gets worse every time so i mean there's no greater than being opportunistic plan.

31:09So in 1160, he is captured by Muslim forces under Nur ad-Din and imprisoned for 15 years. Okay. Now then, he gets out and he marries some woman called Stephanie of Milley. Does not sound... One of the whitest names I've ever heard. Stephanie of Milley. Of... Emily of Hannah. That's a ridiculous name. Amanda of Tilly. What are you doing? What are you doing? Yes, I get it. You've got a big sippy cup and you drink green juices without the pig feed because you don't want that. because women don't like women are scared of women are scared of protein but i'm always trying to get bbt protein yes but she just wants chips they just want chips yeah interesting i don't know what it is what they're yet to embrace the protein are they scared of how powerful they might become chips for the hips are there isn't it yeah it's for their childbearing hips they want carbs for the hips yeah whereas men want protein for the for the thrust yes because we're we're ships and they're ports i don't know i don't know why they don't i just i don't know why they eat chips his uncle over here yeah really dangerous dangerous trying to explain sex to my nephew we're ships they're ports we eat protein because we need to thrust and they just eat chips because they just sit there and take it right that's men and women anyway go and play football um so everyone hates reynolds um he is repeatedly attacking muslim caravans now that is not gypsy muslims that's what i had no it's like um it's what is it just pick camels and shit yes i don't know like a wagon right but 12th century says and i'll fight your mother not that i'll blow up your mother no it's not that now this is not there have been truces between jerusalem and saladin okay uh so this guy reynold is is sort of flagrantly disregarding those he reportedly seizes a caravan that may have included relatives of Saladin.

33:01Well, they're gypsies. They're relatives that are all over the place. They've got a million relatives. You can't seize. It's like seizing John Fury's caravan. Tyson's going to come after you. All right? So Saladin demands restitution under the terms of an existing truce and Reynold refuses, which then starts these Red Sea raids. That is not what I call having sex with my wife's period. In 1182, Reynold launches naval raids into the Red Sea, which is obviously between Egypt and Jordan, or what's that bit? Is that the... Because there's the bit, the Strait of Hormuz, which is going, it's the other side of it.

33:35So it would be... I'm all across what's happening in the Strait of Hormuz. Of course. You have to stay abreast of events. You have to. As a man. Surely. It's a great way of ignoring domestic responsibility when war kicks off. Yeah, because you're like, there's bigger fish to fry. Can you do the washing up? I'm staying abreast of events. Someone needs to monitor the situation in the Strait of Hormuz. Of course. I know the kids are screaming, but what if the mine hunters don't work anyway is this a chance for us to become historical players that's what i'm thinking i do you just need to be aware of what's going on as a man just in case yeah now reynolds launches naval raids into the red sea his forces threaten the routes that lead towards mecca and medina the two those must be the two most it's interesting they rank the holiness of the cities i feel like tier list yeah it's like a jack mate tier list yeah it'd be funny to see YouTubers right let's rank Muslim holy cities and then they get it wrong and then they get beheaded that would be funny actually that would be good that would be very funny if Jackmate and Stevie had just run out of things to rank and started ranking religious cities and accidentally didn't put Mecca first you'd go out in a fury yeah but it's a time out list most holy Muslim cities yeah top draw top draw best city in the world Mecca yeah okay it's Mecca every time it's Mecca every time so as I've said many times I do genuinely have a lot of FOMO for not being able to go on Hajj.

34:51You can go on Hajj, can't you? No, I can't. You have to be Muslim. Do you have to be Muslim? Yeah, that's one of the main things. Well, that's racist. That is racist. But as soon as now you know you're not allowed to go, part of me is like, well, I'm fucking... You can't go on Hajj if you're Muslim? Yeah, you have to be. And how do you prove... You're not allowed in Mecca unless you're Muslim. How do you prove you're Muslim? I don't know. Do you just slap the gear on? Yeah, I guess you could... Salam alaikum. Get the salad in. Get the salad in. I walk up to the gates of Mecca with a bag of salad.

35:22Here we go, mate. I'm here. Yeah? I party clean like you lot. Yeah, I don't actually know. They do party clean, to be fair. They do, yeah. They really do. Yeah, I don't know if anyone's just done it for a laugh. Hadj. Yeah. Yeah. But it's a pretty serious place, I think. But how do you get into... Yeah, obviously there's five pillars. But have you seen how much they built around it? It used to be nothing. Yeah, we've talked about this. But five pillars is not like brownie badges, right? You don't get a badge every time you do a pillow. It's a constant thing. So how do I get in? You have to register.

35:52You have to get a visa to go Hajj. Right, yeah. You have to create an account, provide a photo. So you couldn't do a stag do to Hajj? Probably. Well. Unless you all convert to Islam. Is that a Muslim stag do though? Going Muslim Hajj do? Let's go Hajj. Anyway, the tensions are escalating in the region. When are they not? Saladin is calling for jihad. Okay. We need to get into the Battle of Hattin. You're right. not the Battle of Hatton Garden. Right. Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self.

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