In short
Part 2 of “Cleopatra” (Finn vs. History) covering the end of ancient Egypt and Cleopatra’s shifting alliances during the Roman power struggle after Caesar’s assassination, through Actium (31 BC), the fall of Alexandria (30 BC), and Cleopatra’s suicide.
Guests
Mark Anthony Fitness (Mark Antony) is portrayed as a “Dubai”/eastern Roman power figure who sets up headquarters in Turkey and later fights Octavian. Cleopatra is the central historical figure. Other named figures include Octavian/Augustus, Cassius, Brutus, Lepidus, Antony’s wife Octavia, and Cleopatra’s sister Arsinoe.
Key claims
Cleopatra plays both sides, delays committing, and supports Caesar’s loyalists; she later aligns with Antony, stages the “donations of Alexandria,” and tries to secure her children’s realms. Octavian suppresses Antony’s will and runs propaganda. Cleopatra refuses a Roman triumph, retreats to her mausoleum, and dies (rumored asp bite). Antony dies with her; Octavian consolidates power and Egypt becomes a Roman province.
Notable examples
Antony and Cleopatra’s “Inimitable Livers” society; Antony’s bet involving a pearl-in-vinegar dinner; the Battle of Actium naval defeat; suicide scenes of Cassius/Brutus; Cleopatra’s mausoleum capture and children’s fate.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOThe Triumvirate After Caesar's Assassination
1:30 to 3:04
Discussion on the power struggle following Caesar's death and Cleopatra's role.
“Egypt is, at this point, yeah, the book ended ancient Egypt by a gay, happy Egyptian and then a sort of sad, I mean, it's kebab shops closing or whatever.”
Cleopatra's Strategic Decision-Making
3:04 to 4:36
Exploring Cleopatra's choices amidst the Roman conflict.
“Yeah, well Caesar was assassinated because they thought he was becoming too much like a king.”
The Fallout of the Roman Civil War
4:36 to 6:10
Description of the aftermath of conflicts and Cleopatra's involvement.
“They never have to leave the comfort zone of regional cineplexes.”
Roman Nobility and Their Demise
6:10 to 7:58
Insights into the suicide of Caesar's assassins and Roman culture.
“than she is to the building of the pyramids.”
Mark Antony's Ambitions
7:58 to 9:40
Discussion on Mark Antony's strategy and ambitions in the Roman Empire.
“There's men standing up from their chairs.”
Shifts in Power and Governance
9:40 to 11:34
Analyzing the governance challenges faced by Roman leaders.
The Relationship of Antony and Cleopatra
14:24 to 17:30
A humorous exploration of the dynamics and events in the relationship between Antony and Cleopatra.
“Antony and Cleopatra, Shakespeare's famous play, which is based off of what actually happened thousands of years ago.”
Romance and Historical Context
17:30 to 19:10
Discussion of Cleopatra's romantic exploits with Antony in the context of historical events.
“because they're a bit icky about this sort of stuff.”
The Inimitable Livers Society
19:10 to 22:20
A comedic take on the social activities and dynamics of Cleopatra and Antony's circle.
“when they go to the pubs, they call themselves the inimitable livers.”
Cleopatra's Political Maneuvering
22:20 to 28:00
An overview of Cleopatra's political strategies and her partnership with Mark Antony.
“Because I guess firing an AK into the air is cool, but firing a paintball into a wall in front of 12-year-olds.”
Show all 18 chapters
Cleopatra's Negotiations and Political Maneuvering
28:00 to 30:28
Explore how Cleopatra negotiated territorial expansion through her relationship with Mark Antony.
“And the deal was, we'll be a political marriage, but I want the old Ptolemaic Empire to be reinstated.”
The Battle of Actium: Strategy and Outcomes
30:28 to 32:35
Learn about the strategic decisions and implications of the naval Battle of Actium.
“to secure the Senate support for another civil war.”
Cleopatra's Withdrawal and Power Dynamics
32:35 to 34:40
Understand Cleopatra's tactical retreat and the shifting power dynamics during the war.
“If it hadn't been rained off, we had them on the ropes.”
The Fallout: Mark Antony's Despair and Loyalty
34:40 to 37:35
Delve into the emotional aftermath for Mark Antony following Cleopatra's supposed suicide.
“Because I, you know, how do you find that woman on Tinder?”
The Fallout: Mark Antony's Despair and Loyalty
39:00 to 40:09
Delve into the emotional aftermath for Mark Antony following Cleopatra's supposed suicide.
“and lists can easily begin to overrun your life.”
The Tragic Ending: Antony and Cleopatra
40:18 to 42:00
Analyze the tragic conclusion of Antony and Cleopatra's story and its literary impact.
“At Equinox, that's high-performance living.”
The Tragic End of Antony and Cleopatra
42:00 to 45:50
Explore the dramatic final moments and historical context of Antony and Cleopatra's deaths.
“So this is where Shakespeare gets the whole Romeo and Juliet thing from.”
Cleopatra's Legacy and Historical Impact
45:50 to 51:10
Discuss Cleopatra's legacy as a powerful female ruler and her place in history.
“And so her legacy is that she uses relationships and her female power to run a country and to curry favour.”
Transcript
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1:02Welcome back to Finn vs. History. I'm joined by a race show called... Hi! Hi! Hi! We're still in ancient Egypt. So maybe it was a gay Arab saying hi. That's what that is. That is true, actually. And you're right. If the film opened on a vista of the pyramids and then it panned around and it was just a... Hi! And it does lose something. It's not quite as romantic. Yeah, that's true. Anyway, we're in ancient Egypt where this is part two of our Cleopatra series. We're at the end of ancient Egypt, basically. We are. Oh, no. Who's that? That's the gay Arab saying goodbye. Bye.
1:38Egypt is, at this point, yeah, the book ended ancient Egypt by a gay, happy Egyptian and then a sort of sad, I mean, it's kebab shops closing or whatever. Bye. Caesar has been assassinated. Cleopatra has had a son. vaginally with him. He was not cut out of her tummy, even though that was an option at this point in history. And in 43 BC, Roman power goes to a triumvirate. Three fellas, Octavian, Mark Antony, and Lepidus. Is this podcast a triumvirate? It is. Triumvirate. Charlie is Lepidus. That's all I know. He's the one that most historians like my...
2:25so this is now i think caesar started the first triumvirate but then quite quickly seized power i think so it's quite like a base move to start a triumvirate yeah yeah i guess so it's quite manly but it's also i suppose if you're if you're walking around town saying yeah i've started it's not cool many of our listeners will have triumvirates and they will call them the second the second triumvirate yeah so it's not necessarily a powerful thing it's just any group of three. Yeah, I guess so. Right, so it really could be anything. It could be a World Warcraft clan. Yes, exactly. Right. But this is the one that's supposed to take over the Roman Empire and I believe there's a kind of fight for who takes over the eastern Mediterranean, which is the more profitable.
3:04Yeah, well Caesar was assassinated because they thought he was becoming too much like a king. Yeah. They hate kings. They hate kings. Yeah. So they assassinated him and then it basically there was a mad power vacuum as soon as he died where there's the general's loyal to Caesar who were trying to catch his killers and then his killers, Brutus Cassius. Snakes. Snakes. Snakes. You're all snakes. Mark Antony's on Facebook Live saying, you're all snakes. Snakes, yeah. I can't trust any of you. You stabbed Caesar in the back. Yeah. Literally. You literally. And so now, it's a mad scramble for power.
3:42All bets are off. Cleopatra receives requests for military assistance from both sides of the conflict. And she, like the shrewd woman she is, she waits to see who comes out on top. Yes. She waits. She holds her pum back. Hold your pum back sometimes. Hold it back. It's the art of war, isn't it? I believe the first thing in the art of war is hold your pum back. Well, you need to know when to hold them. When to fold them. You heard that song? No, is that country music? Yeah, it's country music. In terms of a triumvirate of traits, what is your least, is it country music, NFL? Oh, is it the triumvirate?
4:16The premier triumvirate of traits. Country music, NFL, World of Warcraft. Yeah, that's a brutal combination, that. Do you think many of our audience... Yeah. That's their only traits. Our audience earn what money they can through being part-time paintball marshals. They run the airlocks in LaserQuest. They are slushy machine technicians. These are their jobs. They never have to leave the comfort zone of regional cineplexes. I once went to a paintball on a paintball birthday when I was like I don't know fucking too old like 22 and one of the marshals the marshal was saying you guys better not be out of order or else and this is like the fat comic book looking guy and they're bolt action paintball rifles right and he went like this he just looked us all in the eyes and went like this into the wall he went bang bang bang bang and just like then he just like Aura Farms just staring at all of us like it was like the hardest thing ever bro you're a paintball marshal that is sick I told you that I went.
5:19So just make sure you always keep your mask on or else. I went paintballing when I was like 14. And someone came up behind me and said, surrender, I've got a knife. I went, what? I've got a knife, surrender. I went, well, I surrender. He went, yeah, I don't have a knife. I was like, you can't do that. Yeah, you can't bring a knife to a paintball. No, that's not fair. It's not like, it's not war. It's paintballing. You can't have a knife on you. To be fair, this paintball place was so shitty. It was clearly like, I don't know. I don't think it was official. This bolt action one, you had to, they were so weak.
5:55You had to sort of aim them. It was like, it was like your archers. You had to try. You're looking for gravity to take it down. Because you couldn't even, yeah, wouldn't even clear fucking 10 meters. Anyway, Cleopatra, this is pre-paintball. We should stress. We're talking about, this is sort of 40 BC. Cleopatra is closer to the invention of paintballing than she is to the building of the pyramids. Great fact. Did you know that? did you know that fat listeners Cleopatra was alive closer to how you spend your weekends than the building of the pyramids isn't that amazing so Cleopatra uh she sent that the four Roman legions that were stationed in Egypt to Dolabaya I don't know where that is um because I think Octavian does he going off to Iran or something or I don't know maybe that's later hang on Publius Cornelius is that the time I must have you say it Publius Publius Publius Mark Publius Publius Cornelius Dolabella is a Caesarian loyalist now that means he was a loyalist to Caesar not born he was not he's just loyal to that method of birth I'm a vaginal loyalist
7:00anyway I'm a vaginal loyalist there was a coup on the government by the vaginal loyalists yes yeah the straight men taking power. He requests aid and Cleopatra doesn't know what to do because he is one of, is he one of Caesar's assassins? Caesarian loyalists. So she's on his side. So Cleopatra doesn't really know what to do because she's receiving all these requests from the various sides of the conflict. So she tries to avoid assisting them. But she does send four legions to Dolabella to help the Caesarian loyalists. Anyway, these troops are captured by Cassius in Palestine. Has anything ever gone on there?
7:36Yeah, that's, you know. It's a long history. That's very unusual, actually, that something should go wrong there. Complicating Cleopatra's position. Yeah. Meanwhile, Cyprus, fucking hell, man, he's hot here, man, today. They defect to Cassius. It's all a bit of a Mediterranean mess. Right. You've dropped a plate of carbonara on the floor. Mediterranean meltdown. There's shards of pottery in there. There's pasta. There's fresh egg. There's men standing up from their chairs. What the fuck, man? It's all gone. It's pandemonium. Their plastic chairs are tipping over because they don't weigh enough because they're cheap.
8:08Anyway, Cleopatra attempts to intervene by sailing her fleet to join Octavian and Antony, but her ships are damaged in the storm. By 42 BC, Antony has defeated the forces of Caesar's assassins. So this means that Cassius and Brutus, who are two of the snakes, they're the snakes that killed Caesar, they then kill themselves in pretty funny ways. Yeah, I mean, Roman nobles are very Japanese with their approach to suicide. They fucking love it. Brutus asks people to help him die. Yeah. But they refuse. And so his servant holds a sword while Brutus fucking Usain bolts into it. Running into a sword.
8:46Yeah, I know that. I mean, could you do that? I think my instincts would stop me. I think I'd run and be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sharp, sharp, sharp. Like you have to run so hard into a sword to get the same level of thrust, right? Yeah, I don't know how that would work. Fucking kebab yourself. That's how me and my wife have sex. Oh, yeah? She just runs into it. So anyway, Cassius commits suicide by having his servant stab him with the same sword used to kill Caesar. Yeah, which is quite like... Justice. So by the end of 42 BC, Caesar's assassins are dead, but Rome is still divided between Octavian and Mark Antony, the most English-sounding bloke there ever was in ancient Rome.
9:32can you find out if there's anyone else called like James Smith yeah Julian Bourne he does sound like a PT Mark Anthony oh Mark Anthony PT is definitely an Instagram handle hi Finn just dropping into your DMs because I know you busy man what are these people always messaging I've got so many it's so many it's like fuck off I'm not that publicly fat yeah but also I get them all the time are you going to come to my gym and give me a free PT session no you're going to give me a Zoom call where you're going to tell me three things A complete consultation about how we can improve your... And then you want me to shout you out.
10:05Stop... PT, stop DMing me, please. Fuck off. Fuck off. And do something else. It's very boring. Yeah. I'm also... I'm taken. Yeah. I've got Tyreek. You've got a man's. I've already got piles. Yeah. I don't need any more. Wait till my man's hear us about this. Yeah. Yeah. Get your hands off those piles. Those are mine. Those are Tyreek's. We built those together. I'm eating creatine powder. I'm popping boiled eggs up there my piles my piles have never looked better yeah I'm sitting down on a fucking bucket of grapes right and I wouldn't have it any other way you're sitting on an exercise ball I am I'm just constantly bouncing on my piles like this anyway Christ um Mark Anthony establishes headquarters Mark Anthony at Mark Anthony PT Mark Anthony Fitness yeah he establishes headquarters in Turkey because his idea really is he wants a fucking hair transplant I'm a freaking picture in this bloke yeah he wants to kind of run the eastern part of the Roman Empire because he thinks it's all going to break up and he wants to be there which it is to be fair yeah well it's on the vertical because also isn't isn't it a kind of a poison chalice to have to run Italy because that's where all the troops live and you have to pay for your troops to live somewhere so it costs more you have to raise taxes on the local so maybe it's better to be governor of a province you have to raise taxes on your own population to keep the troops there whereas in Turkey it's like, I can shit where I don't, don't shit where you eat, or shit where you don't eat.
11:31Is it sort of like - Is that a phrase? Shit where you don't eat? It's just don't shit where you eat, isn't it? Is it sort of a Starmer Burnham sort of thing? It should be shit where you don't eat. Because Burnham - Because you need to shit. Yeah, sorry. Yeah. I think we're both talking about two very different things. I think we're talking about the same thing. I was talking about Starmer and Burnham, you were talking about shit where you eat. Yeah. Which I guess - Or shit where you don't eat. Yeah. But it's funny, it's don't shit where you eat, not don't shit where you eat is it always about sex that phrase no I don't think it yeah it is it's about shagging yeah it is it can be it's not about pooing it's a very simplistic way of reading it I think maybe it started off I think it's also very good advice just at face value don't poo in the mouth don't poo on your plate of food yeah if you're avoiding having sex with someone you work with and then they went well there's a sort of truth to this that could be you know there's a lateral move to a sexual metaphor but initially there's a grander truth yeah yeah initially there's more profound deeper yeah resonant truth but you're a poet Charlie so you're always thinking about double meanings I am I'm quite a literal man don't eat poo I've also got that tattooed on my other arm I've got I'll bite my fry on one and don't eat poo on the other it's really confusing what this guy believes in right I find a lot of joy in work and I've got to remember not to eat poo those are my central mottos I wouldn't put it there you can't read it there you've got it it's upside down so I can read it Yeah, I mean, you've got to have it right there.
12:54No, because I'm eating my - You've got to put it on your hand. No, I've got to put it on the back of your hand. I've got to put it on my fork. I'm like, oh, thank God for that. We did say we're trying to get this episode out the gutter. It's ancient history. It is the gutter. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to see this. Let's get off poo. Push your limits. Train with precision. See the results. At Equinox, that's high performance loving. Iconic spaces that inspire. Personal training backed by real data. unlimited group fitness classes from yoga and Pilates to strength and conditioning.
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14:17and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolytes. We're talking about Antony and Cleopatra, Shakespeare's famous play, which is based off of what actually happened thousands of years ago. And then Cleopatra realizes that Antony and Augustus' What? I was laughing at it. I was laughing. The Caesarian loyalists are basically winning this power struggle. So Cleopatra puts her chips in with Mark Anthony Fitness. Why are you laughing at that? Sorry, this whole setup is fucking ridiculous. Mark Anthony Fitness. So she goes to Turkey. Mark Anthony Fitness is there getting his teeth and hair done.
15:05Absolutely brilliant. Just want to say big shout out collab. They pick you up at the airport in a great fucking limousine. Look at this, done my hair. Mark Anthony says the West has fallen and he's moved to Dubai. Yeah. you know the type of guy he only wears exercise clothes he maybe started streaming you know he's that sort of guy he thinks the funniest guy in the world is bash yeah he says that publicly yeah anyway and Cleopatra can't resist this guy catnip catnip she's ploughed through Caesar so she takes they met when she was 14 and he fell in love with her then and then he'd been so Mark Antony Petey is a pedo yeah that's what the P stands for oh sorry Petot by time yeah I've had to move to Dubai due to some allegations in London but anyway The Matrix is trying to stop me but London is falling anyway under Sadiq so I'm actually Dubai's better because there's no taxes and there's slave labour and there's slavery which is brilliant so they meet in Anatolia they go down the Nile they have a Nile cruise don't they or is that Caesar what's that Caesar yeah she does that again with this hot piece of ass Mark Anthony Fitness who's moved out to Dubai because of some allegations of what he did with the 16 year old and so she's gone hey we use slavery Which is a very fuckboy thing to do, which is have your set up, you know, you have all your lines, you have the moves you do, you play the same song.
16:22But Egypt is Dubai at this point. Yeah. It's slaves. Yeah. It's not, you know, so... It's hot with slaves. Yeah. So Cleopatra takes Mark Anthony Fitness on a sightseeing cruise down the Nile. She knows how to play these guys like a fiddle. Now sightseeing and the Nile at this point, it's just the Nile, isn't it? And the bank of the river? What do you mean? What sightseeing? It's desert, right? No, no, there's amazing signs on the Nile, which have been there for thousands of years. Oh, fine, okay. Because you went on a cruise, didn't you? Yeah, and all that stuff's older than Cleopatra. So there's a lot on that.
16:51It's actually older than Cleopatra than it is recent to whatever you want. Airfries. Isn't that amazing? That is amazing. Cleopatra would have recognised an air fryer more than she would have recognised the pyramids. With the pyramids. That's how that works. So she takes him on a cruise and Marc Anthony Fitness is like, this place is great. I love it. I never want to go back to London. And I can't, actually. They hear it off, but there's a genuine vibe with these two, seemingly. There is a romance. Anthony agrees to execute Cleopatra's snake sister, Arsino, Arsinovenger. She's executed on the steps of the temple, which scandalises Rome, because they're a bit icky about this sort of stuff.
17:35Because it feels very backward. Let's get to the romance, because the central, probably what Cleopatra's known most for, actually, is her romance with Mark Anthony. fitness in 41 BC should we place 41 BC for our thick listeners so I guess 41 BC is after Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon yeah and before Rubicon the drink Rubicon Charlie I bet you drink Rubicon the drink I like Rubicon do you like Rubicon? no no I drink black coffee, tea, beer, whiskey or water that's it that's it wine you eat your own poo I don't eat my own poo I've got a tattoo telling me not to because I don't shit where I eat and I don't eat where I shit sometimes a fruity soda in the sun I bet you eat where you shit I bet you eat on the toilet I had coffee on the toilet yeah exactly what are you doing with coffee on the toilet to encourage the but coffee's such an enjoyable part of the day I don't think I'd want to drink it like it was some sort of laxative I needed to go you're doing espresso on the toilet going come on I've got to it's crazy right anyway so Cleopatra invites Mark Anthony Fitness to visit Alexandria Alexandria.
18:41So November 41, after he receives across the Rubicon, before Rubicon the drink, he goes to the city and Alexandria, they love him. They love him. This guy's brilliant. Look at his hair, look at his teeth. He's got a giga-chad sort of jawline. He's looks-maxing. He is. He's wearing all like Under Armour kit. Right. And then they form a society called the Inimitable... The Inimitable Livers. Right. Which I might... Yeah, it's quite like... I don't know. That doesn't go hard as a name. No, I tell you what. That's what our fans who form the triumvirate, when they go to the pubs, they call themselves the inimitable livers.
19:15It sounds like a pub quiz team. A pint of hobgoblin for the inimitable livers, please. What's wrong, lager boy? I'm afraid you might taste something. My liege? My liver's inimitable. Now, is that because alcohol affects your liver? But do they even know that? They know that. Egyptians are always cutting livers out and putting them in fucking Pringles jars. What does inimitable mean? Describe something or someone so unique, exceptional, high quality. Our livers are exceptionally tolerant to alcohol. Right, yeah. I mean, that's pretty. I can have over four pints of Hobgoblin and still walk home.
19:46Yeah. So it's very millennial sort of energy from BC 41. Hobgoblin's not a millennial drink. It's timeless. Yeah, it's timeless. It crosses generations. Now, the social activities of the inimitable livers included drinking, feasting, hunting, playing dice, and playing pranks. Obviously, this is in ancient Egypt. Nowadays, the social activities of the inimitable livers would include... Board games. board games Settlers of Catan yeah they would include do you like a board game sorry do you like a board game during Christmas I like playing board games but I'm drinking during them I mean it's not the only thing I'm doing yeah right but you wouldn't you wouldn't go to a board game cafe or something like that if I had a gun I wanted to shoot it up I would no board game cafes are not for me yeah I walk past and I go fucking hell that's what I do I walk past a board game I go fucking hell look at them in there yeah I sometimes I get a Lynx Africa grenade chuck it in shut the door hope for the best you want to wedge the aerosol down so it's just constantly spraying and just chuck it in like a flashbang did you ever do the Warhammer challenge thing with the Warhammer shops where you walk to the back of the shop and you touch the wall no you do that and then they get very upset why because you're mocking them you're trolling them what's the troll what's the troll you're trolling the wall they do do pranks so I guess this is trolling the staff in the Warhammer shop by going to the back of the shop and then touching the wall and then they become enraged.
21:11Why? Explain it. Because you're not there to buy any of the gear. You're there to colonise them, I guess. If you're working in a Warhammer shop, which we must stress, this is as tense for our audience as when we talk about Islam. This is their life. We don't want to get it wrong. They might get a custom-made axe and chop our heads off. A night elf axe. Yeah, exactly. So when you go into a Warhammer shop, three comic book guys will turn and they'll look at you and they'll be like, They turn slowly, they turn slowly. How can I help you today? And then you go and touch the wall and they go, for fuck's sake, don't come in the shop, you're not going to buy anything.
21:45They slow clap you. Do they? Oh, well done. Yeah, I bet you're pleased with yourself. You probably think you've outsmarted us, but no one outsmarts you in irritable livers.
21:58Firing paintballs into the wall. Firing paintball going into a wall is fucking terrific energy. I don't know what it is, but I... It's just misunderstanding what makes something badass. Like, it's nearly cool, because there's a couple of things there, but you've fundamentally misunderstood. Well, it's firing a gun in front of some kids, but you're a paintball marshal. Because I guess firing an AK into the air is cool, but firing a paintball into a wall in front of 12-year-olds. Yeah, no. Anyway, so... Wait, would you actually do that in the Warhammer shops, though? I did it once, yeah. To be honest, it made me feel quite bad.
22:36yeah you got slow clapped and then you just feel like you've been kind of mean the pranks that they would do in the Inemitable Levers include so they're having a whale of a time they're fucking living it up I mean it feels like quite a politically tense time to be fucking doing pranks but I guess it feels like the world's on a knife edge Mark Antony at this point is not he is construct but he's also he's not in an open warfare with Octavian I believe Octavian is looking after the west of the empire and Antony's on the east he's on a jolly there's a kind of peace for now he's being a sex tourist in the east Yeah, he's a sex tourist in Dubai.
23:08And so he and Cleopatra bets Mark Antony Fitness that she could spend 10 million sestases, which is equivalent to over$10 million today, on one dinner. Hold up. Sorry. One dinner. I think the numbers are on there. Are you telling me that... Such a big number. No, sestases are exactly the same as a dollar. No, because I think 10... So it's 10 million sestases is equivalent to$10 million. I don't think that's the exact same exchange rate. I mean, who cares? Not me. I don't care there'll be someone 25 million pretty close though it's close though yeah surprisingly close exchange rate for thousands of years it is close yeah anyway Anthony goes yeah I could spend 10 million dollars on one dinner and then Cleopatra puts a big pearl in a glass of vinegar to dissolve it and then she drinks it right is this a prank again yeah I mean I mean comedy ages badly oh the bet is that Cleopatra couldn't do it right but she's a goer She's like, check this out.
24:06Yeah. Because you know how we did mention this before in one episode. Charlie thought that you'd eat pearls in vinegar like he eats golden nuggets. Like cereal. Yeah. Another prank is that Mark Anthony Fitness goes fishing. Yeah. He can't catch any fish. His servants are attaching pre-caught fish to his hook. And he's like, oh, look, I caught one. That's quite, yeah. So Keebac realizes that he's doing this. And then she gets to her divers. There must be divers at this point. Right. A snorkel is a thing? Are they using like reeds? Are they using the inside of reeds? Or it's just slaves who they have to try and make it work or else they die.
24:36Slaves who can hold their breath. Yeah. Sheaf gets them to fasten salted herring or dried fish onto his hook and then he's like, ah, got ya. Right. And maybe he's emasculated. But anyway. A lot of flirty banter. They become, I guess, the only way is Egypt, sort of basic bitch couple. Right. Mark Antony Fitness. Yeah. Cleopatra. And to be honest, a girl from Essex might be called Cleopatra. And Mark Antony. Yeah. Fucking Diamante. Yeah. Their relationship produces three children. and they have twins, the twins, Alexander Helios, which is a direct tribute to Alexander the Great, which everyone says is Cleopatra basically being like, I'm in that lineage, like I'm a bad bitch.
25:14And then Cleopatra Selene. And the later son, guess what? Ptolemy. Ptolemy Philadelphus. If I broke, don't fix it. And what does Philadelphus mean? Does it mean sister lover? Does it mean AIDS? That's Philadelphia. Right, sorry. This is pre-AIDS, I must say. It's pre-AIDS. But she is closer to the AIDS pandemic. she is closer to AIDS than she is to the building of the pyramids because if you wanted to be safe from AIDS the best place to go is back to when they built the pyramids yes because that's much further you would not get AIDS I could guarantee you wouldn't get AIDS there and if you did then you'd been really a bad boy then you've changed the course of history because you've been fucking a monkey way too early yeah so following the birth of the twins Mark Anthony Fitness goes to Athens to be with his wife Octavia and he's got a wife he's got a wife yeah he's Mark Anthony Fitness Yeah, of course.
26:02He's had to leave England because of St. Peter's. He's gone to Dubai. But he's got a wife, Octavia. That's not Octavian. No. Who is his political rival. Everyone's name in this series is fucked. It's a nightmare. Forget about Scott McPolemy. He's gone. He's gone. Now, Antony prepares for a renewed Eastern campaign. He wants more territory. I think he's going to invade what's now Iran, which are called like the... Persia. Persia and Iran are interchangeable, actually. No, but it's not Persians. The empire is called like the... Archimedes. No. Pithyn? Perthyn? Not the Parthians. Yeah, Parthia. Is that Persia?
26:34Yeah. Like northern Iran, I think. Anyway, so he's trying to go there and Cleopatra stages the donations of Alexandria, a ceremony in which territories and royal titles are distributed to her and her children. Cleopatra titles herself Queen of Kings. Fair enough. And Children of Kings. And sort of gets a lot of gifts that inscribe Antony and Cleopatra together. Yeah. Because they're going to try and marry the empires together. That's the whole point. She's using her sexual power and her romantic power. She's a femme fatale, is what she is. She is the first femme fatale. If she was truly that inbred, surely she did look...
27:11But this is what I meant last time. How could she be so sexy? Beauty standards of the age? Her granny's her mum. Yeah, her granny's her mum. Her great-granny is also her great-uncle and great-son-in-law. But I guess every now and then... Stop clock. Stop clock is sexy. Something about her. Yeah. if your face is purely randomized yeah it's like your nose is up here your eyes is down here at one point it might look normal yeah just by accident basically I reckon her ancestors had one eye up here one eye down here and slowly over time emotional sorry it's very emotional slowly over time their eyes got level yeah so her children are assigned realms at this ceremony also she gets back all the old Ptolemaic lands from their peak and pomp so she gets Cyprus she gets parts of Greece she gets I think Palestine Macedonia she gets I don't know but she gets basically the height of the Ptolemaic Empire she manages to negotiate it back which is a huge thing we don't know anything about this because the only surviving records are Roman so we only know a bit we don't know how she did it well she struck a deal with Mark Antony that seems to make sense but she also got more of Egypt stuff like further down yeah because Rome chooses who gets what and Mark Antony who was running the eastern half of the Roman Empire.
28:29And the deal was, we'll be a political marriage, but I want the old Ptolemaic Empire to be reinstated. So she actually manages to negotiate a huge territorial expansion for the Ptolemies. Yeah, it's just more evidence that Cleopatra is more worthy of studying than Joan of Arc. Yeah, she's based. Joan of Arc's... Boring. Anyway, Antony dispatches a report to Rome which seeks ratification of these territorial allocations. But Octavian, not his wife, his rival, who we should probably call Augustus because that's who he ends up being and that's easier. Augustus suppresses the document's publication due to its inflammatory nature because the Roman people would not like this idea that this Egyptian woman with wonky eyes, maybe, is playing their ruler like a fiddle.
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29:20Playing Mark Antony Fitness like a fucking fiddle. Like a fucking pipe. she's got a thumb up his arse and she is making him sing Octavian Augustus he then basically creates a propaganda campaign that portrays Mark Antony Fitness as a little sort of bitch cuck and therefore emphasises the fact that he's abandoned the Roman way of doing things so in 32 BC he gets Mark Antony's will which is stored with Vestal Virgins PLC I guess I think that's our patron right? Vestal Virgins sorry that's in our Patreon terms yeah the Vestal versions of Warhammer and Weekend Warriors Paintball Redding Devil's Helmet and Wolfsbane Devil's Helmet yep shout out to Devil's Helmet Wolf Blank anyway so he publicised the portions that then show the misplaced loyalties in his will so is Cleopatra in his will at this point you must be Cleopatra's in Mark Antony because this is part of the deal that he's struck with Cleopatra which then means Octavian so he's coming out and going, worst deal, Mark Antony.
30:26Octavian then has legal framing to secure the Senate support for another civil war. Another civil war, let's go again. Let's go again. Rack that shit up. Now we get to the Battle of Actium, a naval battle in 31 BC. Yeah. Christ, hold on to your fizzy pants, girls. It's a pre-Christ naval battle. you can't believe your luck yeah you're commuting to your boring job and it turns out there's a naval battle in 31 bc that you can can you type in battle back to him let's have a look at some of these let's have a look at some of these images let's get the gear let the dogs see the rabbits what are the boats called is this the one where mark mark anthony fitness has these boats that have a big ram on the front okay so his strategy is that he will ram boats with his big boat ram they have like a big dick at the front he's going to ram them in but I don't think Mark Antony Fitness has enough men on the ship to get enough speed up to actually effectively ram Octavian's boats also is Cleopatra seemingly semi-commanding another part of the army yes and as much as she is based I do think she does get a bit emotional because as soon as shit goes west she does flee leaving him kind of loose cock in his hands yeah she was a rear admiral sort of so she had and it's like this is for autistic blokes where's the bloke love where's the bloke love so she's got 60 Egyptian warships yeah and then our Mark Antony Fitness has nearly 500 vessels yeah and they're aiming for a breakout but Cleopatra fucks off when the ships fucks off when the battle turns against them which means Anthony follows because he's cuntstruck.
32:20Yeah. Which then means the Navy is doomed and the Octavian essentially wins this naval battle. Yeah. So they return to Egypt and try and kind of crisis PR it. Yeah. Get out in front of it. Sorry, guys. Yeah. We messed up. It was actually a moral victory. A bit like England in the ashes. Yes, yeah, yeah. If it hadn't been rained off, we had them on the ropes. We probably did. We essentially did win 3-2. Just forget about the weather. But then Mark Anthony Fintner's supporters start leaving him. blah, blah, blah. The inimitable livers collapses, which is a real sign that... Yeah. They then form the Society of Partners in Death.
32:58Right. Which is a bit of a key change. So they start experimenting with poison because, as we said in the last episode... Experimenting. Cleopatra is a real poison botherer. Yeah. And what's the... When you say experiment... What they're trying to do is they're giving servants different types of poison and seeing what happens to them. Right. Yeah. What do you want me to do? yeah just have a go on this have a bang on this see what happens what's the worst that could happen I'd like to see a Tom Gilby but for Poison that'd be good what Poison Wanker yeah he's just Tom Gilby the Poison guy he's trying it he's spitting it out saying that's disgusting that's not Poison Wanker approved that's fucking Poison that is she's trying to negotiate with Augustus yep and trying to get Mark Antony Fitness just exiled yep but Augustus is on the front foot now and then the thing about Cleopatra is that she at all points refuses to be made a triumph this whole practice where foreign conquered kings and queens are paraded through the streets of Rome she's like you're never going to do that to me I'm not having that I'd rather die I'd rather die here so at this point they're both fucked though they're fucked Augustus has won the battle of acting was decisive so in the spring of 30 BC Augustus invades Egypt and eventually Mark Antony Fintz's navy and cavalry surrender Cleopatra withdraws to her mausoleum in Alexandria she barricades herself inside a massive sort of treasure chest it would be nice to have a mausoleum to withdraw to yes that feels like quite like a privileged place I'd like to be in I'd be put in a mausoleum just have somewhere you can withdraw to though if it all shit hits the fan man cave yeah I guess so I should call my out the little shed of Mausoleum actually how's your shed coming along it's great what you got in there got a space heater okay got a second screen oh is that where you work now yeah what about your office on the second floor that's a spare room spare room yeah but your main office is the shed yeah oh that's nice you need some separation from the house because it means I can see through the window in the shed into the back of the house I can see everyone screaming but I can't hear them so I'm like brilliant yeah Auschwitz guard genuinely it's um what's that film called Zone of Interest yeah I've Zone of Interest in my own house because if you can hear the screams there's a physiological reaction that a parent has to their child screaming where you kind of you can't concentrate on anything else until that gets solved yeah but if I can just see them I'm like it's fine it's fine whatever could be anyone the smoke coming out of the house I'm like that's fine it's fine god you know what my favourite scene in that film I don't think they meant it to be this funny I mean it's probably not it's not a funny film there's a scene where they're by the river the wife and the husband and she's saying he's like we have to move house she's like but we live in Auschwitz it's our dream home she genuinely says that line and I'm like I'm there being like fuck hell this is so funny what a woman what a fine this is she's saying I don't want to leave They don't make women like that anymore.
36:10Like me, they don't live in there. Thank God I'm married already. Because I, you know, how do you find that woman on Tinder? Where do you want to live? Auschwitz. Amazing. I was thinking actually, you know how - Auschwitz now though. It's like got a gift shop, doesn't it? There's a kebab shop opposite Auschwitz. Is it? People, whenever it's Holocaust Memorial Day - Go kebab shop opposite Auschwitz, please. I think it's today actually. Is it? Holocaust Memorial Day as we record. but there's no Holocaust denial memorial day is there there's a kebab stand next to oh there's a stand yeah there you go we're looking at the video now there's a TikTok of a kebab shop but to be honest I guess it's hard to build whatever you put there people are going to be like that's tasteless yeah and you go well yeah I guess add some garlic sauce it must be very cheap land by Auschwitz cheap land yeah that's like a cheap place to build location location location ripe for development it really is developers dream or the hotel whatever you build there you know how go hotel by Mecca so Saudi have built the biggest hotel in the world overlooking Mecca have they maybe they should do that overlooking Auschwitz look hotel by Mecca look at this so you can see from the room you can get a yeah go on the first one you can get a room with a hajj view isn't that like cheating like you know when you if you move near Brentford you can see the game well it's more just hajj so you can more people can go on hajj room with a hajj view yeah yeah And Saudi obviously putting the money up.
37:41But it's massive. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. So I think they should do one of those over Auschwitz. Yeah. For tourists. Sure. But I guess... Everyone's doing their arj to Auschwitz. But I guess it's very hard real estate, isn't it? The bit opposite Auschwitz. Because whatever you do, people are going to be like, don't build that there. Paintball. Great for a paintball course. Auschwitz would be great for a paintball course. I mean, it would. But... But when... I reckon it would. Do we do that on the off days? Monday, Tuesday? Is it closed on Sundays? I don't know. Is it open every day? It was at its peak, I guess.
38:15Yeah. Not to the public, though. Why are we talking about Auschwitz? You could do a Go Ape. Put a Go Ape there. Yeah. Zip line. Yeah. Again, whatever you do opposite it, it's just not going to... But I think if you're trying to justify a zip line saying, well, whatever it's going to be.
38:33Whatever I do. Look, it might as well be a theme park. It might as well be a theme park because whatever we do, you're going to say it's wrong. So why don't we have fun? Yeah, so I don't know where next open a baldy baller soon. So I don't know why. All right, there's a bowling alley. Whatever, you know, whatever we do, you're going to complain about it. You know, you're not going to give us planning permission for anything. So we're just going to build it. Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times. Your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks and lists can easily begin to overrun your life.
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40:50Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app. Anyway, Cleopatra withdraws to her mausoleum. She sends a message to Mark Antony Fitness telling him that she has committed suicide. And when Mark Antony Fitness finds this out, he's devastated. Yeah, he's devoured. That was my world. That girl was my world. So he asks his servant, who's called Eros, to kill him, but Eros refuses, then kills himself.
41:34Which is very funny. I'm very loyal. Does he do that immediately? No, I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. Well, fuck. Well, then fuck what Eros, mate. What am I meant to do? So then Mark Anthony Fitness tries to kill himself, but ironically, he's not strong enough to properly kill himself. So he just sort of stabs himself a bit. And then his servants are like, oh, shit. and they take him to Cleopatra's mausoleum and then they haul him up. But Cleopatra's dead? No. She said that she's dead. But I don't know why she's done this. So this is where Shakespeare gets the whole Romeo and Juliet thing from.
42:07Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, yeah. And the scene in Antony and Cleopatra, I imagine it's relatively similar to the scene in Romeo and Juliet when he wrote both plates, right? I haven't seen Antony and Cleopatra. He wiped both plates? What did you say? He wiped both plates. What did you just say? Finn's hungry. starving uh he wrote the play anthony and cleopatra right wrote the play right he said roped the plate um because cleopatra hauls anthony up by ropes because he's dying yeah and then he he's like oh what you're still alive and she was like yeah yeah i guess they did i didn't put two and two together that he got this but he was inspired by juliet but also i think what does get written out of this is that Anthony's servant just killed himself and he really didn't have to.
42:57I mean, I know Anthony ends up dying, but that, I mean, that guy is just like, he might have wanted to go anyway. He's probably looking down and being like, fuck's sake. Are you kidding? He's alive and she's alive and I'm dead. So then Anthony dies in Cleopatra's arms. Yeah. And then Cleopatra's devode. Yeah. And then Octavian's general Proculius enters Cleopatra's tomb, detains her so that she can't destroy all her wealth because that's why she retreated to the mausoleum to like set fire to all so the Romans couldn't have it so he then captures uh Cleopatra's children Cleopatra declares that she would not be led in triumph to Rome as always she'd said that so she chooses to commit suicide and the rumors are that she gets an asp bite which is a snake is it an adder it's quite a thin snake it's quite a little snake but how do you get the snake to bite you do you just like hold your hand out or do you just like poke it a bit flick it flick it I think it brought a bit of a bit Charlie's got a photo of her getting a tit out and getting a snake on her tit is that how she did it because you can milk snakes can't you can you milk snakes no you can get their poison from their mouth yeah you milk a snake do you milk snakes well because there's no milk no but it's called to milk yeah they're milked oh wow venom snakes are milked by professionals to extract venom from their fangs right so maybe that's what she did.
44:16She milked a snake and then rubs it on her gums or something. But certainly the mythic view is that she lets a snake crawl up and it bites her. Because she's always got a snake on her. She's sexy. Is it sexy? It is sexy. I don't like snakes. Yeah, it's sexy. You think snakes are sexy? Yeah, it's kind of gothy. Yeah, I'm not into that. Yeah, she's a goth chick. She's got bad. Tiger, what's that place called? Tiger Lily. Yeah, it's like Tiger Lily or the place in Camden. Torture Gardens, didn't you? Isn't that a sex club? Yeah, it is, yeah. I think when I'm having sex, there's nothing I'm thinking less about than snakes.
44:49Right. Snakes and Christian Orthodox churches. Right. They just don't come into my head. Not once. Not even when you're trying not to bust. Cybertron. It's like Cybertron. It's actually quite a good way of trying not to bust, actually. It's just about a Christian Orthodox priest. So Cleopatra kills herself rather than be humiliated in a Roman spectacle. So Cleopatra's son, Caesareon, gets killed as well. That's a shame. Which is a shame. because it was Julius Caesar's and Cleopatra's son so he had a lot of lineage and so Octavian consolidates the power which then means Egypt becomes a Roman province which marks the end of the Hellenistic period which is the Alexander the Great Pharaohs and then in 27 BC Octavian gets formally recognised as Augustus which becomes the first Roman emperor and the beginning of beginning of Caligula Nero that whole line so this whole story actually is like Rogue One it's the yeah it's the hinge to Roman and this sort of yeah it's the hinge it's a door hinge of history it's what I mean this 100 years of history like 50 BC to 50 AD yeah that's like as you say the Avengers that's the Star Wars Jesus Jesus is about yeah in this story King Herod is around yeah so that's who Cleopatra is really and so Mark Antony and Cleopatra are like their death star Roman emperors yeah I didn't know any of this the geopolitics of it all are actually quite fascinating.
46:15And so her legacy is that she uses relationships and her female power to run a country and to curry favour. And maybe she's the exemplar of that, I guess. For sure. She's the most famous woman in history. Deservedly so. Probably. I think so. I mean, you know. Does Thatcher break the top 10? 100%. 100%. 100%. 100%. 100%. we're referencing a clip that you should watch which is where an old it's an interview with a German man and he's asked if Hitler was his hero and then he leans over and he has his big hand like that his big ears you assume that he's going to hear it and go no not at all but he hears it better than anyone's ever heard a question ever and immediately goes 100 % 100 % Hitler's my hero 100 % so I've been saying it a lot now anyway the top 10 famous women you've got Margaret Thatcher Liz Truss Cleopatra Florence Nightingale Dua Lipa Dua Lipa That's it That's probably it isn't it Amelia Air Crash Amelia Air Crash Malala Mother Teresa sort of Nah
47:34Hillary Clinton Joan of Arc I don't actually be Nah Joan of Arc can piss off Pankhurst She wore trousers She was a bloke yeah Asra Kira Asra Kira Lisa Ann and Bevo's mum that's the top 10 that's the top 10 probably so should we talk about Cleopatra's legacy I get please please what does what does Cleopatra mean to you well I think there was that there was the there's always it goes in circles the Egyptian craze right in culture like in the 20s that Art Deco period everyone was doing Howard Carter yeah doing all that shit it feels like we're maybe due another round of it because it's been a while since like Egypt shit's been Well I think Egypt shit, it is vibey but it's more the Graham Hancock like lost civilization That's where we're at now That's our relationship now is aliens did it all and just kind of make it all spacey and stuff But I think aesthetically we could be maybe we might just be reaching a time where we can come back into fashion because it seems to always throughout the whole of history go on a cycle And of course as we found out in the General Gordon Sea the fattest woman that's ever lived was Egyptian.
48:43A Cleopatra in her own way. What do you mean? Cleopatra. Yeah, Cleopatra. Cleopatra. Yeah. Using her body as power. Now, a very different form of power. True. I mean, horse power. Pulling herself into the annals of history. Yes. Against all odds. Having to have a wall knocked through so she could go to India for life-saving surgery. You know, Egypt is full of powerful women. be they dazzling queens or the fattest woman that's ever lived or are you looking at how Egypt has fallen from Cleopatra to the fattest woman that's ever lived from Cleopatra to Cleopatra the story of Egypt through the ages what was her name Charlie what was the fattest woman in Egypt called Iman Ahmed Iman Iman you be fucking fat Iman Iman Iman Iman Ahmed Abd Ali how long She was 500 kilograms.
49:40She died at 37. That's real. Now, how old was Cleopatra when she died? Did Cleopatra live longer than Cleopatra? This would be a huge win for the body positive community. Huge. How old is she when she dies? I need to know. She was 39. Just. They're similar ages. Close run thing, though. My God. How much did Cleopatra weigh? Trying to find out. How many bags of sand was Cleopatra? About a five foot tall. Let's say the average weight of a five foot lady in ancient Egypt. How much did Elizabeth Taylor weigh when she played Cleopatra? Someone's got to have that stat somewhere. 180 pounds. Brilliant.
50:21Okay, fine. 180 pounds. That was her height. Fuck, it doesn't say. 120 pounds. It does not say. 120 pounds. 120 pounds. So about four Cleopatras. No, what's kilo? Because that's in kilos. Oh, kilos. Oh, fuck. So she's about 10 or 11 Cleopatras. So, sorry, Cleopatra is 10 Cleopatras. £1 ,100 divided by£120. Yeah. Nine. That's nine Cleopatras. Yeah, 9.2 Cleopatras. So really her true legacy is that she started a civilization that today... It's a snowball effect. It is a snowball effect. Cleopatra began rolling. Rolled down the Nile. And 2 ,000 years later, we get Cleopatra. And that's Egypt. That's Egypt.
51:07That's Egypt. In a nutshell. In a nutshell. Ladies and gentlemen, brackets mainly gentlemen, that we've reached the end of Cleopatra. If you would like more, we will be digging into mummies. We'll be uncovering. That's not the person you live with. That's the process of mummification. We're going to be Howard Cartering into some pum pum. We'll be getting mummies. and we're going to be opening a tomb that hasn't been opened for 4 ,000 years yes that's him going down and his wife we are going to be looking at Egyptian mythology that's on the Patreon where you get instant access to episodes and for just£3 a month and it is£3 a month you just have to do it on the website not the Apple store because the Apple store charges you£1.50 and we don't see any of that we don't want that we don't want that we set it at£3 deliberately you people are poor you know you know we want to make we want to meet you halfway right you know yeah you've got to have money to spend on the latest fedora it's true how you meant to go to the warhammer shop without a clean fedora we're thinking about you financially three pounds a month on the website instant access to series ad free episodes a tutankhamun's tomb worth of bonus episodes please join the what was it the embodiment of liver liver what was it the inevitable livers come and join the inevitable livers uh and i mean some of the patrons we did uh last week about caitlin jenner and oscar pastores were phenomenal the best the best fun i've had is the caitlin jenner one i think uh anyway we'll see you at the patreon but if not we'll see you next week for a brand new topic this has been cleopatra good night goodbye
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From the publisher
Cleopatra actually lived closer in time to the invention of paintball than the building of the pyramids.
The show for people who like history but don't care what actually happened.
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Chapters;
00:00 - Hold Your Pum Back
05:33 - Mark Antony Fitness
12:13 - Paedophile Time
15:03 - What’s Wrong Lager Boy?
17:51 - Warhammer Troll
20:36 - The Only Way Is Egypt
23:45 - Boring Joan Of Arc
26:48 - The Poison Botherer
32:09 - Location Location Location
36:54 - Snake Milker
40: 51 - Top 10 Women
43:32 - Cleofatra
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