Gunned Down in Diamanté Panties | The Russian Revolution of 1917 (Part 5/5)

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1:32welcome back history hogs to the final part of our russian revolution epic i'm indulged yourself you're probably feeling very sick you might as well go through this will be if you're the patron you've uh gobbled this all up this is sort of sixth wank of the day feeling yeah it must be you've eaten five portions of borscht back to back yeah and you're now like christ the acidity in my blood has changed. I'm now 10 % vinegar and I feel ill. It feels like a personal experience the way you're talking about it. I've not eaten borscht that much. Yeah. I don't... Russian food, I'm on record as saying this, Eastern European food is bad and I think the Eastern European immigrant experience would be improved if they had better food.

2:15Sure. I think you look at our relationship, I've done this, I think this is in my first special, the relationship we have with the Indian community, the Chinese, West African West Indian it's all defined by our acceptance and love of their foods you've got to bring something Eastern Europeans have not brought anything yeah that's why if there was a mass immigration for the British we'd be fucked as well apart from our corner shops are unarguably better because of the Polish because of Polish beers yep well that's your favourite beers Polish beers I fucking love a Holocaust beer a Tisky Tisky or my favourite is is the green one with the bison on it, and it's called Zuba.

2:59So this is in the first lockdown, I was nailing Zuba in my father-in-law's. Was this when you were pretending to be a woman? No, this was the first lockdown. First lockdown, having a great time. I went to the corn shop every day, and I thought, you know what? I'm going to have a different one of these beers every day. Because nothing's happening, is it? Fuck it, I'm going to have a different beer every day. And I found this one, and I was like, that fucking slaps that. It's really, really bitter in a nice way. But it's lager. It's really punchy. And then I had two, I remember I had two, and the next day I felt absolutely fucked.

3:27And I went back and I bought another one, then I realized it was 8%. Right. It's like sort of weak wine in pint form. Yeah. Brilliant stuff though. Don't be messing with this. K-side is crazy. This stuff's crazy. Like I'm not - Well, that's homeless guy stuff, right? Well, you're getting into homeless beers now. Yeah, that's where you're, there's the sweet spot, isn't there? Between sort of light poncy beers and homeless beers. Special brew, you've gone too far. I'm much more of a, on the spectrum, of, you know, if homeless beers are the straightest beers and craft beers are gay, I'm much more straight than I am gay.

3:59Right, right, right. Like I'm in all my areas of life. I probably lean a little more gay. How are you on your beers, Charlie? Gay or straight? I like Stella. I'm actually surprisingly straight. I don't really like the blokey, gassy, farty, dumb beers. I think some of them are so bad. Foster's sucks. Carling sucks. Stella Artois sucks. Madri, just because you've got a fucking Spanish bloke on there doesn't mean it's not fucking Carling. You're having white wine and crisps for dinner. you're a fucking little jailbait little fucking what is what's the gayest beer is hobgoblin gay hobgoblin's not gay hobgoblin's an ale what are you scared you might taste something lager boy yeah but it's a certain type of straight that's a straight say it's um it's a it's world of warcraft straight it's warhammer straight yeah it's kind of like sexual it's ham actually straight it's it's asexual yeah not if you're drinking hobgoblin you're not you're not shagging no there's no one's no one's having 10 pints of hobgoblin no one's drinking 10 pints of hobgoblin then getting any pussy that's not happening you're drinking 10 pints of hobgoblin then you're logging onto a forum to grabby's is pretty gay yeah crabby's is gay um yeah i like my kind of european beers beaver town ironically is gay as shit yes but it's a complete scam i think it's all craft beer is a scam it's a gay it's a gay scam i quite like an american pale ale i'm you know i don't hate it what i do think is interesting is the british relationship with the spanish beer and i think it's with such a easy market to trick you put you slap a label of an old spanish guy from around the 20s enjoying a beer and we just go or italian or italian yeah yeah oh that must be brilliant and they always bring one out and they'll do it every five years you'll see a new maybe even three years you'll see a new mediterranean beer yeah and just like a builder will be like we'll see it we'll go that looks class that reminds me of being on holiday the new ones so it started with beer moretti then it went to madri and now they've got cruz campo that's a ville one just watch out and I've even in like offies where they have like off duty beers you can see the vanguard off duty I don't know like you know they get random beers are you on duty no no no but you know under the table beers they've got a selection that's not in Tesco's right yeah you get to see the vanguard of what's going to be the new Spanish beer that's coming through.

6:14We also get to see these boys. Yeah, these fuckers. What do you think you would do to sales if you had just like a crying little boy rather than like an old sort of... If it was a pale ale, easy. A pale ale, you could put fucking anything on there. I'd buy that. You could put Lennon on the top of the train saying peace land bread with cheese on his head. Like it's a fucking... You could do whatever you want if it's a pale ale. Yeah, but people are... I mean, the pale ales are now like... They're like fucking album covers from the 70s. It's like a Pink Floyd record on a beer. It's a disgrace. It's a disgrace.

6:40I want to see a fucking mad animal like a Zuba. Look at that. yeah you can't you can't handle a zuba you don't think i can handle a zuba i can't handle it i'm having i'm having zuba that i'm driving right with driving gloves i'm straight because i wear driving gloves i do actually have driving gloves i bet you wank with driving gloves on yeah you've got to be taking precaution cold i can't get my hands pregnant um yeah i'm wanking with driving gloves anyway should we um finish off stop talking about zuba um zuba we're in 1917 sounds like a character in this potentially do you want to place this do you want to place this charlie do you want to place this 1917 so 1917 that is before why haven't we done this before i bet we're about to find out before i was born yeah and after they found the first crocodile yeah yeah who's they the men the men yeah wide berth but we did chuck it on you they found the crocodile it's such a funny sentence as in that's on the that's on the newspaper they found the crocodile they found the crocodile so they were aware of the crocodile but they just didn't know where they were yeah 230 million years ago they found the first no no they didn't find it depends who they are no no no one's found anything in 230 million years ago do you mean the first crocodile existed no you said you said you said found yeah you know what it's very hard to tell because that's one of the widest births ever that is the worst birth if it's the evolution of the crocodile at my birthday you got about 250 million years he's placed this perfectly the russian revolution is in between the first crocodiles on the planet and when our producer charlie was born which was what 1996 yeah so 250 million years somewhere in there yeah is not is the russian revolution ideal brings us perfectly up to date and we're in august 27th of 1917 if that wasn't already clear so uh we left off with uh karensky is uh in power in the provisional government prime minister lenin is in hiding in finland wearing a raster wig yeah man yeah and um furiously writing on forums and stuff he's an angry commenter hitler's painting somewhere in germany we mustn't forget he's wounded he's been wounded he's artistic period bravely struck down in world war one took a bullet for his country yeah who among us can say that he's but he's drawing uh quite good landscapes with terrible faces he can't do faces hitler he'll be his great undoing um and uh uh and anyway so hitler's knocking about that's nice to know if you're struggling to know how old is hitler charlie he's born in 18 i can't say he's born in 1889, 20th of April.

9:26So it's August 1917. He's nearly 30. So is he feeling a lot of anxiety about turning 30? Yeah, he is. He's like, oh my God, I'm not married. My friends are settling down. I'm just drawing. I've got a bullet in my leg. You know. Adulting. He's like, you know, well, I don't feel like an adult. Where's the internet come from? Who pays for it? It's magic. He's still on his parents' phone contract when he's 28. He's still living at home. Yeah. we're still living at home anyway we are in uh pre-soviet russia it's about to get very soviet incredibly soviet so lenin's uh smoking doobs in finland and uh karensky is losing starting to lose control of support the offensive was terrible he's very offensive offensive yeah um everyone was blacked up charging the germans chaos is running because of the july uh days where the bolsheviks tried an uprising Kerensky's now scared of the Bolsheviks but then so he now installs at some point in July and August he installs this guy called General Lavrov L-A-V-R I don't know how the fuck you say that Kornilov Kornilov head of the army and Kornilov's he doesn't take any shit this guy it's said that if he'd kind of got into power he probably would have been the first fascist before Mussolini wow so he actually is a kind of proto-fascist military dictator sorry Mr.

10:48Kornilov can I just shake your hand um so yeah so he's another character who if the revolution had turned out differently he could have been the man everyone was talking about because like korensky yeah and he's sort of is he a bit asian he looks asian i guess yeah um we should say this there's also we haven't actually talked about the russian far right but there's it's almost as many like little paramilitaries little um offshoots of the right yeah that are knocking about petrograd causing trouble as there are left so it's just a terrifying place to be terrifying um but kornalov is head of the army installed by korensky and he immediately reinstalls capital punishment on the front because as you said last time people are deserting and the russian morale is through the floor and so he's like right um oh no sorry not capital punishment he reinstalls a death penalty so he's like if you desert you're dead so chaos let's bring in a kind of hard man a hard man but there's a call between kornilov and uh karensky or there's some uh communication right i don't know if it's via telegram or is it no it's a so i think what happens is that um they start karensky is losing uh support and i don't know how it starts but there's one of them basically is like hey we should dissolve the provisional government and there should be a dictator and And I think the misunderstanding is whether it's going to be Kornelov or Kerensky, who's the dictator.

12:19Yes, there's basically this... There's a phone call between the two of them. What China Melville says is maybe the greatest incident of cross wires in history. Yeah, there's a call where Kerensky's in the Winter Palace. A lot of innuendo. Petrograd. Which is the problem with innuendo. Yes. This is probably the worst time for innuendo. You know what I mean? Maybe come and change things around here. Yeah. If you get what I say, and I hear you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do what you need to do. Charlie's just fucking his hand. Kornilov comes, he's all lubed up, let's fuck. But basically what happens is that essentially Kerensky sort of manifests a coup against himself by misunderstanding what Kornilov meant.

13:02And so Kornilov starts marching towards Petrograd with troops, which I think he's like, we're just going to survive and restore order. but Kerensky has somehow convinced himself there's a right wing coup happening yeah it's chaos chaos and then he changes his mind drastically and basically is now like oh my god we're under attack yeah and also no historian actually knows what happened this is called the corner of the affair no one actually knows what happens yeah but it's basically two people misunderstand each other maybe because one of them are speaking Chinese I don't know yeah and essentially there then starts a little war which the Bolsheviks had fucked it with the July days and it looked like they'd fought the revolution.

13:42They'd lost a lot of members. They'd gone down to about 80 ,000 members. It was a disaster. But this kind of almost freak accident is what saves them completely because Kerensky, now so scared of Kurnilov and his army, panics and he's a very moderate sort of guy and I think he's trying to keep everyone happy. So what he does, which is a big mistake, is because the Bolsheviks have a lot of support within the Petrograd sailors and some soldiers and stuff like that, within Petrograd, he rearms the Bolsheviks. Yeah. And he frees Trotsky and a couple of other people that were still alive. And it's almost like, thank fuck that cunt's gone.

14:23From Petrograd. Oh my God. To defend the city. Yeah. And then the coup kind of stops in its tracks. Trotsky's walking around talking about FGM. Yeah. Never mind ISIS. You heard about Boko Haram? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Finally free. And so the Bolsheviks are now armed. They've got loads of guns and the Bolsheviks defeat Kornilov but without really a shot being fired, I think. Not really. It kind of is, it's a whimper of a coup. So when you zoom out of what Kerensky's done, it is one of the big boo-boos in history in that he's got power. He then basically manifests a coup on himself then gives all the weapons to the communist extremists who he knows are revolutionaries and then they don't even use them or any ammunition in defeating the coup that he started.

15:15They use it to defeat him later on. Yeah, so it's one of the biggest fuck-ups ever, actually. It's just a classic clown school fuck-up. You've slipped on a banana, you've hit your head on frying pans. It's like, it's kick-off and you're like, do you know what? Let's give it back to the keeper and you score a goal on halfway line. You're like, guys, how have we won down? We've just conceded, but now two down. So the Bolsheviks now, I think, so they'd lost that many members at the start of July. They thought they'd fucked in July days. Then when you get into September, their numbers are back up at like 200 ,000.

15:44Because this has ruined Kerensi's representation. Anyone who's sided with Konilov, which is a lot of the right-wingers, people like the cadets and stuff, anyone who's been on his side, they're now out the running to be in power because they're viewed as people who are part of this coup. And then the Bolsheviks who have a clear idea of what they want suddenly they seem like the people who understand what's going to you know where the country needs to go so lenin he's hearing all about he's hearing about this but he's like on a delay because he's in finland and he's fucking begged

16:16yeah coronel love so uh in september 1917 the bolsheviks gained majorities in the petrograd and moscow soviets um and then lenin start this is when he's starting he's like right i think we're nearing we're nearing ah ah ah yeah so we we're into we get into October right right and what now how does Lennon get back in the country I don't know how Lennon actually returns but he puts his wig back on he definitely puts another wig on and it's very kind of dramatic do you reckon he's a different wig I don't know I feel I don't know if they've even worked out wee Jimmy hat yeah maybe could be like a carrot top some of ginger hair yeah he's ginger though Lennon isn't he is he he is ginger I guess I've only ever seen him in black and white no he's ginger so I never knew that really?

17:00yeah he's probably got very smelly balls do you not think ginger people have got smellier balls? no do you not think? I think maybe their ball sticks to their leg more than other people's it's one of my prejudices that I'm only just examining now when I see a ginger person I think your balls smell more than mine do do you think if there was more ginger people there would have been pogroms against them? I'd like to start some pogroms against ginger people I think ginger own businesses are a disgrace we should throw chairs in the windows I think there's more hermaphrodites worldwide than ginger people really because it's only there's only ginger people basically in this part of the world right there's only ginger people in ireland britain and a tiny bit of russia the only places where there's ginger people you go on the map of ginger people spread they're only in a tiny bit but hermaphrodites is like that's just sort of hermaphrodites is everywhere yeah but that's a freak of think about how many maphrodites are in china alone just from that i don't think about that ever well you should how many chinese maphrodites there are yeah but hermaphrodites you're not using your brain right hermaphrodites are people who've got dick and fanny yeah so sorry there's more intersex people right which I think is maybe a bigger term than hermaphrodites yeah hermaphrodites we're all intersex brother it's such a mad thing so does that mean you can kind of like fuck yourself if you wanted to don't fuck yourself well that means something different to hermaphrodites I guess it's about angle I mean in that photo there the dick's above the fanny so it's quite hard to get it in but if your dick's below your fanny you can probably you can erect yourself into yourself and just sort of sit up.

18:27Yeah. And the October Revolution is a hermaphrodite revolution that's very exciting and very boring. At the same time. At the same time. Lenin returns and he doesn't even have time to take his wig off when he walks back into the Petrograd Soviet. Yeah, man. It's like he bursts through the doors. Everyone's shocked. He's returned. And the thing about Lenin, on every time he's come back from exile, there's never any pleasantries. No. There's never any like, how are you doing? How was the thing? He comes through the door always telling off the Bolsheviks for not being prepared enough. Yeah. And then there's this famous meeting on the eve of the October Revolution where there's a room of the 12 top...

19:06Most boring cunts ever. Most boring cunts ever. Stalin has been in the mix because Stalin wasn't in jail with Trotsky. Stalin wasn't in exile. So he's been on the ground. Stalin's alive because he wasn't in a cell with Trotsky. Yes. Hasn't killed himself. But he's been doing a lot of the organisation and dirty work on the ground during this period where a lot of the top Bolsheviks have had to be into hiding. There's a meeting with 12 of the top Bolsheviks and basically only Lenin and Stalin want an armed revolution the next day. Everyone else wants to do like an Instagram post. Yes, everyone's like, let's just do a black square.

19:38Let's just do a black square. Hashtag, hashtag. I've already got this is what a feminist looks like t-shirt on. I feel that's doing enough. I'm against this, hashtag. Yeah. And then this is one of Lenin's great skills. After a 15 hour meeting. Yeah, he just won't stop talking. He eventually coerces. Yeah. a vote that agrees to have an armed revolution the next day. I mean, if you just don't stop talking and you're going, this meeting will only end when you agree with me. Yeah. It's 15 hours and they haven't eaten. They don't eat until the end. Yeah. So I reckon I would just be like, well, yeah, I'm fucking starving.

20:09Yeah, we'll do whatever you want. Whatever you want. Yeah, let's do it. Just shut the fuck up. Can someone give me some fucking herring? Yeah. Probably. I would have said, I reckon. This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen. snacks a stapler the new PayPal app is like that but for your money shop, pay, manage your account and earn rewards all in one place and with purchase protection on eligible items biometric security and pass keys you're protected at every step download the new PayPal app to get started see paypal.com slash protection terms close your eyes exhale feel your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today.

20:53Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-CONTACTS. Oh my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-CONTACTS.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-CONTACTS. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place.

21:32Because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. And then it's quite like a bizarre revolution, actually. where it's a bit of an anti-climax it's an anti-climax well we should talk about the ship so the the sailors in Kronstadt did you listen to this bit yeah so the sailors in Kronstadt now Kronstadt's this weird little naval it's like a little island on the outskirts and they've already had a revolution over there yeah I think like a mutiny mutiny they then join the Bolsheviks and they sail warships over just to St.

22:09Petersburg which is a port Petrograd and they basically say they point the guns at the Winter Palace which is where Kerensky's hold up and they say if you don't evacuate and abandon it in half an hour we're going to bomb it, then they don't do that. So they try to bomb it, but the guns don't work and they've got the wrong ammo. Right. So there's like an anti-climax there. It just puffs up. They said we're going to do it then and then puff, puff. So it's all kind of strange and then holed up in the Winter Palace, there's Kerensky nervously biting his fingers. He's got the remnants of the provisional government.

22:45he's got a few cadets protecting him but there's just this weird element where it's kind of like the reds are kind of seeping in and just walking through this house and they kind of walk into the original government and say basically like they're having they decide to they sit down and have dinner they have like fish and chips or something fish and fucking elderberries fish and fucking cabbage probably I don't know and then that's basically it and then all the while this is happening the Bolsheviks are having a fucking massive meeting because they don't stop having a meeting. It's called the Soviet Union.

23:18It's the meetings union. It's the country of the meetings. Yeah. And so, but they've already, I have a bit, I mean, the book that we both read, I listened to it and it's tough because exciting thing is happening. You know, in my head, I'm thinking, oh fuck, there's a battleship with its guns pointed like Buckingham Palace. That's exciting. And then the author would just do a whole paragraph about the concurrent meeting that was happening where they were trying to decide whether what should happen in the event of the gunfire. And you're like, can we just forget about the fucking meeting and talk about the Bastion?

23:50You want to see more Mission Impossible. Yeah. I mean, Mission Impossible, you think it's long now. If it was made by Soviets, it would go on for weeks. Like, there'd be a fucking health and safety meeting before Tom Cruise did anything made by the Russians. Anyway, I think we can skip a lot of that bit. Basically, this gets rebranded as the storming of the Winter Palace when really just a few cunts run in. It's like the storming of the capital. and they just run in and then they're like oh where's Nancy Pelosi oh there's no one there there's shit on her desk yeah did someone do a shit on her desk I think so well they were going to they were going to well no they were trying to kill her and then they ended up doing a pool of desks yeah because in the film made by Sergei Eisenstein that revolutionary filmmaker who does all the films recreating the myth of the revolution when they refilm the story of the Winter Palace there's more extras than there are actually than there are people in the entire revolution basically Anyway, the October Revolution happens.

24:44The council, the meetings of people's commissars is established. Lenin is in control. So Lenin decides, he's like, what should we call us? We can't call ourselves ministers because that's too loaded. So we'll call ourselves the bad boy. Not that. We are the bad boy. The union are the bad boys. Bad boy, bad boy. What you gonna do? At a meeting probably. Yeah. They're gonna have a meeting. They're gonna have a meeting. They call themselves commissars. There's initially trotsky's like a lenin trotsky's like who's going to lead everyone and lenin's like you should even though you must know he's just been polite and then trotsky's like i can't i'm jewish and then um did you know that you know that jews are actually oppressed and then it's like shut up leon all right i'll do it yeah all power is declared to the soviets so the idea is all the soviets around the country that's gonna they're gonna be run people imagine if the uk was just government was toppled by local councillors it would be the most boring painfully torturous news story ever um jackie weaver's in charge jackie weaver's taken taken control so then we get this is just saint petersburg which is a key city but it's such a huge russian empire what happens after this it's the three to four year brutal civil war where 15 million people die yeah then obviously the first thing lenin has said he's going to do is uh peace and his focus on peace is what has kind of guided this revolution through he said from the start he wants the war to end i'm actually against war i'm actually against war yeah um and he will do anything to end the war with germany because he realizes if he can end the war in germany he can win the civil war as long as the war keeps going he'll probably lose yeah because he needs to get all the troops in the eastern front he can lose everything yeah it's more it's more important for him to stay onto power so what ends up happening is they sign this crazy peace treaty with germany yeah because germany know they've got russia exactly where they want them when they're going down when yeah when they're going down to sign this treaty yeah because of one of the rules of the soviets where they have to have a peasant there for legitimacy because they need to have a representative from the peasantry right because they've realized halfway down because they never met a peasant in their life any of these cunts they're halfway down and they go fuck we forgot a peasant so they just stop the train yeah just say oi out the window you come with us get a random peasant to sit in on the meeting that decides this treaty of the breast letovsk which i didn't know about but it's it's crazy crazy yeah lenin even says it's a coward's piece he knows it but what is an amazing move from him because it's so counterintuitive to do this but it is fundamentally what saves the bolshevik cause because he just needs to get this piece done so basically russia lenin agrees to give germany essentially so much so much i mean it's crazy all of ukraine all the baltics um finland poland yeah now now none of this actually ends up happening because Germany lose the war but there's a very interesting point right so it's a fuckload of land by the way just crazy it's loads and loads of land it's all of Russia's arguably their best assets because even though Russia's a huge empire all the key land is in the European side and it's basically giving all that shit back yeah yeah so what's taken for the Breslautons is given to Germans includes Estonia Latvia Lithuania parts of Poland and the whole pretty much the whole of Ukraine and Belarus Belarus Belarus but it's a great move because it happens the German war if it collapses and does Russia get it all back pretty much?

28:24Pretty much, yeah. But I mean, just in the kind of strategy game, the gamble and the payoff of this treaty is pretty amazing, I think. Losing everything to gain everything. Yeah, he doesn't know he's going to gain everything though. No, but he realises that Bolsheviks will be fucked without it. And there's an interesting what if, that if the Romanovs had held on for another 18 months, right? then they would be on the winning side of the war and the Nicholas Romanov had actually signed originally Sykes-Picot right with the British and the French which was how they're going to divvy up the Ottoman Empire and Sykes-Picot is the thing that everyone goes on about and the one of the foundation problems with the Middle East currently so if Russia had signed that originally it's only the Bolsheviks that take the signature off here if Russia had hung on if Romanov had held on to the end of the war and Germany was defeated they would have got all this Ottoman land up for grabs because the Ottoman Empire was like a yard sale because it was collapsed and it was like who wants this?

29:31who would have had Constantinople it would have been Russia which has been the big dream to re-night the Orthodox it's a fun like what if but also with this Bret Litovsk Treaty a young Hitler painting away the vision of a German Liebingsraum stretching through Poland, Baltic. And it's a huge part of his narrative as well is basically that this was ours and it was taken from us. So a civil war has kind of already begun by this point, would you say? So this is where you have these forms of... Basically anti-Bolsheviks. They're not necessarily... They're kind of czarist, but maybe some of them for a constitutional money.

30:09There's some constitutional money. There's some socialist democrats there. and so the whites are now taking on the Leninists the Reds this starts a big civil war total war yeah it's crazy all over the country every town it's brutal millions of people die pogroms pogroms the Reds have awful atrocities but the whites probably even worse it's like there's not really heroes and villains in this story they're all fucked no they're all fucked but it's like the whites do have opportunities to beat the Reds often but it's really badly managed. They still have really like arrogant imperial mindsets which means they don't make the right alliances.

30:48It's really bloated as a force because it's all the ex-Zarist officers. Some of the armies for the Whites, one of them had 400 generals, right? And 25 infantry. What? How far does that work? Because there's so many out-of-work Zaris officers. Oh, wow. And it's just like the structural command is so fucked on the Whites. They're all generals. There's just loads of generals in a house just in a room like that shouting at the vineyard 25 guys before we go properly into the Russian Civil War we should finish the story of the Romanovs because this is so in July 1918 they've been in they've been in exile in Siberia they've been playing chess, cards you know Halcyon days croquet I'm getting to know my kids it's nice I'm actually growing up with my kids I've got a relationship with my kids most dads don't have that you know what I mean it's paternity leave it's a long paternity leave it's like a Norwegian paternity leave yeah it's what do they call that thing where there's a thing, there's a name for it all Swedes get.

31:44Yeah, it's like a two-year. A bloody bladder. Yeah. And it's like, oh, it's like a woke year when the dads do it. Oh, yeah. Latte papas. They're called Latte papas because they all drink lattos. So he's a Latte papa. Yeah, Nicholas II is a Latte papa and he's hanging out with his kids and his wife. And he's carrying the kid in the front-facing rucksack thing. his youngest kid is 17, but still, he's carrying his hebephile child in a carrier in a papoose. And Piers Morgan's like, that's a bizarre! Ah! Anyway, so they have this kind of fairly idyllic sort of few months in the summer in Siberia. Under the watch by the Red Guard, right?

32:20Well, yeah, they're under the watch of a commissar, but now you've got to remember, these are four teen girls, right? Woo! It's kind of spring break. The guards all basically want to fuck the girls. And one of the, there's an inspection, because the commies love an inspection, Love it. from Moscow, and they go, we've got to move this because the guards don't give a shit because the guards are fraternising because basically one of them is particularly fit, one of the Romanov girls, and the guards all want to fuck her. So they're just like flirting and the girl's like flicking her hair. So they decide to move them to Yekaterinburg and they get put in a house with no blacked out windows.

33:01But still, one of the girls is very cheeky and she's flirting with the guards. and basically Lenin gives an order and he doesn't write this down he doesn't want to be paper trail back to him but he gives this order that he's actually they need to murder them all because the white forces are approaching and they don't want any trace of the Romanov line that could be used as a banner to reinstate them so now in the meantime the Romanovs they've got a five kilogram pile of diamonds, like big fucking diamonds. They've sewn them into their underwear and their bras and their petticoats and whatever fucking...

33:44Like strippers. Basically. But real diamonds. Like real diamonds, yeah. Like classes. Like why are you stripping if you've got that kind of jewellery on you? Not diamante like panties. No, actual like... Diamond panties. Coen or shit. Weighed down. Yeah, yeah. They weigh like two kilos, these pants. And so what they call, they codename this their medicine. So when they're moving house, they're like, oh, take the medicine, which means put on these heavy pants because ultimately they think we want to buy our freedom and move abroad with these diamond panties so what happens is that the order comes to murder them and because the white forces are approaching and so they get this psychopath in charge of the murder this is a guy who during the civil war had cut off someone's head with a saw I say cut off, he's sawn someone's head off, so I guess he laid them down on a vice got someone to hold his other hand and just screwed his nose in I don't know anyway he's like a sort of Charles Manson figure fine he organises a death squad but he can't find enough professional soldiers they don't really have they speak for days about ways to kill them as well yeah there's like a lot of they have a big meeting about how we're going to kill these there's so many ways you could have killed them you could have poisoned them you could have like strangled them in their sleep bore them to death you could have got Trotsky to come and talk about fucking Gaza or something right so what they end up doing is they there are 11 people in all that get killed there's the six or seven romanovs and then there's this butler and a doctor and a maid or whatever so it's like cluedo it's like cluedo is that yeah who did it the assassin yeah probably the um hired uh psychotic assassin with the with the gun yeah in the death basement yeah so they walk them they walk them down to the basement of this house and um they they've they've all the gar all the assassins they're drunk they're pissed they've got all they've got is revolvers and pistols and bayonets and as the Romanovs walk down the basement Alexei the little boy he's had a he's had a heberphilic attack so he's really really horny for a 13 year old so his dad carries him down and the last thing they see is this graffiti on the wall which is Rasputin railing his wife while Nicholas II is there in the chair like jacking it as a cuck just because that was what everyone was graffitiing that's because everyone's like you're being you're a cuck mate and so whoever was living there it's like Will Smith everyone knows his wife's fucking someone else and okay fine yeah so that's just coincidence that's just a coincidence that's just a nice little deep bit of detail for the dumb loves lovely so they walk down and then they've been told and then he starts jacking it to him jacking it to watching his wife getting fucked by Rasputin because he's a cuck within a cuck he's a Russian doll cuck he's a Russian doll cuck you take a different one out and they're just wanking at the last one yeah there's nothing more virulent than a Russian cuck because you're wanking at the guy watching someone else yeah yeah it's like a smaller cuck chair next to a cuck stool next to a guy the last guy's just a guy just fucking his own face because the chairs get smaller russian cuck dolls um anyway uh what happens next is crazy right so So all the assassins are pissed.

36:53They've all been told, so they line up the 11 Romanovs, extended family, whatever, and they've all been told, right, pick a target. Pick a target, you shoot the target, we're done. Right, nice clean job, lads. Fair enough. All the guys, none of them, want to kill any women. So when the guy shouts fire, everyone shoots Nicholas II at the same time. He gets shot simultaneously by 10 bullets in his chest. His chest explodes. Blood everywhere. Then, obviously, the Roman officers have been told they were being moved because the whites were approaching. They don't really know, even until the guards come in with their pistols, that there's something fruity going on.

37:37Even when their dad's chest explodes. They go, well, hang on. What's happened there? He did have a big dinner. They then shoot Alexandra in the head. Bang. Stop your squabbling. like no one wants to kill the girls but that is Lenin's orders so they shoot Alexei and then he just fucking won't stop bleeding my god he won't stop famously you cut me I'm going to bleed to death so he just keeps bleeding keep, keep bleeding that's what that song's about Leona Lewis wrote a song about the hebephile Russian prince anyway what should have taken 20 seconds takes 20 minutes of just shooting, stabbing. Some of the bayonets, they're like big World War I bayonets.