Has There Ever Been A Better Advert For Anusol? | The Battle of Waterloo (9/10)

0:10Welcome back to Finn vs History, Horatio Goulds here. Hello. And it's the Battle of Waterloo, the greatest battle of all time. The Battle of Battles. The Battle of Battles. Yeah. The Club World Cup of Battles. Yeah. This does not get any better than this. Cole Palmer's involved. Cole Palmer was at Waterloo, famously. That's why he speaks like that. Yes. Because the injury sustained. The injury sustained to his brain when he fell off a horse is why Cole Palmer speaks like that. This, dads, if you've been with us the whole way, I don't know how you're going to cope going into normal life after this series ends.

0:47This is almost granddad stuff. This is the dad of dads. This is the dad of the dad dads. This is your dad's dad. This is your granddad. How are you going to re-enter normal life after you've been in the Napoleonic Wars for a month? Ten episodes. And now you know that when you get that sad train into Waterloo Station, you know why it's called that now. because of this battle. We needed a name for a station for the saddest franchise of British trains, Southwest Rail. Yes. It is the most depressing franchise. Everyone on those trains looks like they want to kill themselves. Where are you going on Southwest Rail?

1:27We should replace wherever Chertsey with Belsum and just give them a break. They all want to die on those trains. Restart the camps for the commuters. For the Southwest Train franchise. For commuters into Waterloo. yeah right yeah i think it is that's a that's a compassionate holocaust yes right holocaust is the wrong word for it yeah yeah dollar cost jolly cost the jolly cost horatio gould second 26 the jolly cost his words the jolly cost and in many ways waterloo is a jolly cost yes it is because uh it's a it's a bloodthirsty battle but fuck me it's good reading yeah my god has a battle ever been more glorious than this no i really don't think there has yeah and it's after this that um you know this is where we start all all britain and london sense of itself comes from waterloo basically yeah the architecture the victory yeah the victory monuments for sure um so now we left i would just say the world war two part of the reason why we love world war two is because it has such a satisfying narrative right and napoleon at wars which i wouldn't posit as being more interesting the world war i would never say that but it is underrated and it has a very satisfying narrative and this is as the culmination of all these years it is sort of the perfect ending yes world war ii's ending is slightly too frantic whereas this is a i mean it's like ah yeah oh no yeah it's more like um and then he woke up sort of you know you're right you know you're writing a yeah yeah when you're writing a story something you're taught early on is don't end it was all a dream because it's too easy and it's kind of like that when you're like night night uh in our last episode napoleon was defeated at the battle of leipzig uh he then fought a fantastic rearguard action yes um because he's french and they're the gay side uh and then he was sent into exile in elba yeah he was cucked while he was there because he's cucked wherever he goes.

3:33That's for sure. And he has now escaped exile. You take the cuck out of France, but you can't take the cuckoldry out of the Frenchman. Thank you. You've nailed it. Say it again. You can take the cuck out of France, but you can't take the cuckoldry out of the Frenchman. And also the Jolly Corst. Two huge ghoulisms early on in the episode. So Napoleon is on the march through the south of France. My mother's born in Cuckfield, by the way. Yes, Cuckfield. There's a great antiques fair near Cuckfield called Arding Live, but we're getting sidetracked. We're very much getting sidetracked. Look, men have had eight wanks in a day.

4:10It's red raw. And they're now like, no, please stop. What do you mean a ninth? Well, we're giving it to you fellas. The moisturizer has run out. Yeah. And they look. We're going to have to do it dry.

4:26There's no more spit left. I'm going to have to beef Wellington myself. I'm going to have to shit on my own cock and then...

4:35Our last episode was such filth. It's all been filth. We've gone straight back in. Right. Napoleon is coming back from exile. 20th of March, 1815. One year after the Allied armies had marched into Paris, Napoleon rides back without a single shot being fired. How does he do this? What? We already covered that. We covered that. Horses. Hey? Horses. horses onions you know the drill he's fast because he just is that's the key thing about napoleon because he is he's fast because he is onions horses the three tenants of napoleon's victories now louis the 18th uh the fattest king france had had fat pig fat pig that was his words uh he declared two days before napoleon comes into paris i would rather die defending my throne than flee like a coward 48 hours later he's on the boat he's back he says that to huge cheers yeah He's sat on a throne where his feet don't even touch the ground.

5:33And yeah, 48 hours. How do you suggest I run away? Fucking two days later. He's been rolled away. Rolled away. Now, very quickly, Napoleon knows that he's come back and they're not going to like this. Yeah. Right. So he immediately forms an even more rag tag army. What? No, it just sounds like I was reacting to what you said. You can't do that when you're the producer because it sounds like none of the cameras are on. That was such a visceral oh no. That was I've lost my job oh no. Also when have you ever reacted to the story? Episode 9. You've never reacted. You only just found out Napoleon was French.

6:11Yeah and you thought he died because loads of rabbits attacked him. Remember? Is that how he died? Yeah. Fucking hell. How did he get away with that though? What? How did he get away with the rabbits? I imagine it was not a lethal amount of rabbit attack. I think he just gunned them all down. just masquered them they've all got myxomatosis now do you know that what myxomatosis is like a unique disease only I know what's your point they've all got it now rabbits yeah we artificially introduced it into the wild to cull populations but it's got out of hand listen so when Napoleon sweeps into power manoeuvring like no one else in history I think we are kind of the opposite of that where every single hurdle we fall over this is world war one this podcast is world war one we're trying to advance and then we just push back to the trench.

6:59Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. So this is their ninth wank of the day. They're having to do it dry. We cannot start talking about myxomatosis. Come on! Come on! So, Napoleon reclaims Paris. Immediately, a 12-nation coalition, the 7th coalition, Nick Clegg's coalition declares war on Napoleon, not France, on Napoleon. Yes. Okay? You fucked it. You've had seven chances. No more. They have, to be fair, they've given him a lot of chances. Fool me once. Fool me twice. Fool me seven times. What the fuck are you doing? Why are you still here? We gave you a model village off the coast of Italy.

7:41Meanwhile, the British man who'd been mean to guard him, I mean, he must be thinking, oh, fuck. I mean, that's sort of the definition of you had one job. Yeah, it is. And he was too busy beef wellington-ing his Italian girlfriend. So, France is rearming, but we all know the strategy by now okay the strategy is we need to strike at the allies before they can amass and unify that's the classic so at the congress of vienna 1815 they declare napoleon an enemy and a disturber of the peace of the world yeah if you're attacking a polycule you've got to sow seeds of discontent yes you've got to attack them individually you cannot deal with them as a group she's your least favorite start sowing discord amongst the polycule that's the problem with a polycule is that it's too many troops to defend right you know you're you're you're oversized yes you're gonna get outflanked yes you know your couple is nimble your couple can defend its own rear as we said back to back in bed a miserable married couple could defend its rear no one's getting bummed no one's getting bummed you know this episode of inverse history is brought to you by sir shark guys look you've heard it from us before yeah no homo no homo i love surf shark yeah that's fair enough he said it he said no homo no homo i'm gay no homo i want to go down on surf shark because public wi-fi is dangerous they're like the public toilets of the digital world oh it's what took down george michael it's what took down oj don't know okay surf shark protects your data while you're using public wi-fi it also offers antiviral software so if you catch aids digital aids right take surf shark it's like prep surf shark is like prep it is the digital world so then you can if you're going out body surfing right you need a trolley dash if you're doing a trolley dash through brighton or wherever you need surf shark to act as prep for your online proclivities your dutty hole it dutty holes another way of saying it thank you please secure your digital life i'm sick of people coming up to me complaining that they are they always call it to you i my digital life's insecure yeah well grow up and get surf shark be confident come on being insecure stop being such a wet little drip and get surf shark it's the digital condom for men real men yeah there's nothing manlier than a male than surf shark vpn is like creatine it's like monster truck monster monster trucks it's like doing weights in a prison yard yeah it's surf sharks cool there i said it i said it vpns are cool yeah all the kids hanging out at the skate park what are they talking about they're talking about vp i got a i got a special belt for my vpn i can't i go hey kids look at this and i can't believe it they're like whoa that's cool well can i share your hand achingly cool from finn taylor i've got a t-shirt with my vpn on it that's how cool it is yeah and i wear it there is a risk-free 30-day money-back guarantee if you use the code fvh sing it with me foxtrot vagina hotel we run the foxtrot vagina hotel and you get four extra months of surf shark don't let these online threats catch you off guard it's time for race rankings we've ranked Pakistanis high recently, but let me tell you about Karoolean Indians.

11:09Oh, they're performing well at the moment. Listen, they are hot, sexy Indians. They are some hot property. And they are top of my list of my favourite races of people right now. Wow. I mean, this is big news. I mean, you're finding out here that this is the Screen Rock podcast. This is a regular feature we do. We do a bit of race rankings. It's kind of like woke racism whilst talking about social media, really. That's our vibe. Exactly. We pretend that we want to talk about social media. Really, we want to talk about whether we prefer people from Pakistan or Brazil. And right now, Pakistan are winning, baby.

11:37So listen to the Screen Rock podcast, if that's the kind of thing. We'll see you there. Do you struggle to keep up with the news every week? The Bunker has got you covered. Every Monday, we release Start Your Week, where we go over the big stories to follow in the coming days. And then on Fridays, we have our weekly wrap-up, where we give you the context and the meaning behind the biggest and the weirdest stories of recent days. Search for The Bunker wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe so you never miss an episode. But a polycule is vulnerable to being outflanked. Now, just one of the many reasons I'm not in a polycule is that someone's bum is at stake.

12:16The Congress of Vienna, the Allies, this time, the eighth time lucky, we're going to get him. This is Britain, Austria, Russia, and Prussia and a bunch of other Italian and German fucking states. England, England. England and England, of course. Austria and Austria. Now, because the monarchs were quite bored during this Congress of Vienna, the Austrians hosted hunts in imperial parks. They slaughtered over 10 ,000 animals. It did shock me hearing this. I don't quite understand. So yeah, they funneled animals to be in front of... Like a cricket pavilion where they were just sat outside drinking.

12:53They were shooting it. 10 ,000 does seem a lot. Yeah. Have you ever killed an animal? like a mammal a proper mammal yeah I moved a deer off a road and as it as I moved it its neck broke and I sort of felt it die yeah thanks what did you want from that what did you want for that question Charlie what did you want from that question I don't know I didn't think you had that in you my friend Nelson drowned a pig

13:20what I'll bite ow it's just a man you know six words and I don't predict any of them you know Even the fact that he's called Nelson. My friend Nelson drowned a pig. Why? I think it was a runt and he had to drown it in a big bucket. Yeah, was he a farmer? No. It's just not the thing you expect. Right. So why is your friend Nelson drowning a pig in a bucket? I never found out why. Yeah, don't follow up. I know it was a weak pig. Oh, it was weak. And he had to do it. But he did feel like the sort of guy that would have done that. He did have it in him. It made complete sense that he had done that.

13:59Right. But he wasn't a farmer? No. No. He lived in the city. Wow. A man in the city drowning a pig? That's suspicious, if you ask me. If you ask me, that's a cause for concern. If a city-dwelling man is drowning a pig in a bucket, something's not right there. That's real country stuff, actually. Something's not right there. Was he wearing a barber jacket? Well, he did it. I think he might have been topless. Okay, well, now it just feels like there's something very horny going on there. Okay. Anyway, so the Congress comes to a halt when news reaches them that Napoleon is marching on Paris. So they all go, oh, fuck it.

14:31Yeah. Again. Yeah. How have we let this happen? How have we let this happen for an eighth time? Yeah. Where's Nick Clegg? Get him in. And so begins the 100 days, okay, which is actually 100, I don't know how I'm actually 111 days, but there's no time to hum actuallys. It's the ninth wank of the day. This is between the 20th of March and the 22nd of June, 1815. Okay. This is where it's a montage. there are factories making muskets there are young boys with bum fluff putting big hats on horses are being seized from farms retired veterans are forced to re-enlist an old woman gets pushed to the canal it's unrelated to the montage it's too busy, we're busy, sorry, I'm sorry I don't know why it's in there not another one conscription is scraping the already very thin barrel of young men in France now so it means the standards that you have to have to get into the army are very low.

15:25However, because during the French Revolution, consensual sex between adult men was decriminalised, France was one of the few European countries where homosexuality was not a criminal offence. So homosexuals, basically, they're like, we've killed all the straights. We're going to have to bring it. We're down to the gays. Get the gays in for Waterloo. But if you want someone to do a rear guard attack. Well, this is why Waterloo is so exciting. Because the French are down to their gays. And who are they facing? but the straightest one has ever been. And so Wellington, at the eve of Waterloo, he looks out and he sees the friend and he thinks, my God, they're coming for my rear.

16:05It might finally happen. It might finally happen. My God, I will not be bummed by a Frenchman. That morning he apologised to God. I'll try everything. What have I done? What have I done? I know I've made a fatal mistake shitting on that woman's fanny once.

16:23i didn't get anything off at the time montgomery monty's uh broadside against the homosexuality being decriminalized in the 60s as a thing that the french do i think it comes from for sure 18th century decriminalization in the french revolution because the yeah the history of homosexuality in france being legal exactly old and venerable one napoleon gathers a ragtag bunch of guys and the seventh coalition uh it's like fuck he's down to the gay ones you've got to stop this right now yeah this is the greatest military alliance europe had yet assembled one million soldiers in total you've got to remember this is 1815 yeah okay so a million is a lot in 1815 now we should place 1815 we should after the renaissance yes and it is um before renaissance renaissance fair is that when people start going to renaissance themed events yeah well sort of is what it's any sort of historical theme park in america but they just call it all renaissance because they're thick right okay fine um it's after the first ren fair which i believe was in the 70s.

17:33I was watching a documentary about the guy who did it. What was that? It was Karjitsu. Okay. It was before Karjitsu. Before Karjitsu. Thank you. Is that people when they start in the seatbelts and they have to do Jiu-Jitsu in a car? This is literally Napoleon trying to get out Wellington's arse. It is. This is live footage from the Battle of Waterloo. Wellington is fighting a deep rearguard action. Wellington's in red as you can see there. And yeah, it's a seismic battle. Anyway, the congress of vienna establishes there will be no negotiation okay this is all out war on napoleon all on him okay so if i was a pony i'd feel quite personally attacked yes i would i think there's a character assassination going on here all right please you're ganging up on me yeah um now they knew by this point you know this is post trackenberg plan they knew that if they waited um if they waited, then Napoleon would just pick them off.

18:32Napoleon knows that if he waits, then they're all going to gang up on him. Yeah, Napoleon says every sunrise is a victory for the enemy. Yeah, right. Because he's French and he speaks of poetry and all that nonsense. Anyway, so Napoleon just gets his boys, gets his, whoo, and they just start trotting north into Belgium, right? Because there are two main armies that are in Belgium at this point. Wellington with a with a with a say a third a third of the his force are British the rest are Dutch and I don't know Belgian yeah I guess Dutch Russians maybe they're Russians anyway and then Blücher who is the Prussian yeah and these are the two forces that basically Napoleon's going for he's going to try and knock them out one by one now on the 15th of June Wellington you know conservatively is hosting the Duchess of Richmond's Ball, which is high society.

19:30Allied officers, they're gathered in Brussels for a lavish gala. Dispatches arrive mid-dance, revealing that Napoleon has crossed the river into Belgium. Wellington says to his staff, Napoleon has humbugged me by God. Christ, so that's the first time he's uttered a swear word. Exactly. This is humbugging, a terrible crime. Humbugging is to force a straight man onto his face and to try and enter his rear. So officers immediately are running away from the dance floor, marching straight to the front lines while still dressed in velvet coats and silk slippers. Okay, so we're on the back foot. 16th of June, 1815, the Battle of Ligny.

20:13Napoleon attacks Blücher at Ligny, and this is Napoleon's final victory. So he's still picking up victories. Still picking up victories, because one-on-one, he's very good. So let's talk about Blücher. Yes. because he is a key character in the story well he's a prussian he's a prussian and his many ways his battlefield victories do so the ground which will eventually will reach hitler right the prussians right but he's 72 years old he's a tough he's a tough old bean but uh he seems to be pretty crap whenever tactically right he'll do anything of any good because even at leipzig which he ends up being successful at.

20:52Look at that face. He fucks up his cavalry charge. Yes, he does. But he's a 72-year-old man who is perhaps slightly insane at this point. Yes, he is. He's sort of Joe Biden kind of... Sleepy Joe on a horse. Yeah. He thinks he believed he had been impregnated by a French soldier and was going to give birth to an elephant. Yeah. Okay. This is the kind of guy that Tucker Carlson is interviewing. Yes. Now, he leads a desperate cavalry charge at the climax of Ligny. his horse gets shot out from under him he's pinned to the ground he only survives because a soldier throws a cloak over him so the french don't recognize him um but the prussians so he's tough but he's not effective no his main asset seems to be that he doesn't give up basically yes he now the prussians retreat napoleon defeats them at ligny now this is very important okay uh Napoleon says to 20 ,000 of his troops under Field Marshal Grouchy, that's what he's called, can you go and follow the Prussians?

21:51And Field Marshal Grouchy's like,

21:58do I have to do that? And so Grouchy thinks he's going to just move, just follow Prussians back over the Rhine. However... Napoleon underestimates Pluka because he thinks he's, the Prussians are cowards and will retreat basically to the safety of Germany. Now, he then, Napoleon then moves on to, no, it's not Napoleon, it's Marshal Ney. Ney. Ney. Marshal Ney then invades Wellington's, or attacks Wellington's forces at Utrembar or Catrebar? Catrebar. Catrebar. A vital Belgian crossroads, if you can picture such a thing. wellington basically holds them off uh decently but then retreats back to a field and a series of farms that the year before he had been traveling and thought he'd been walking he'd been walking the ground before it was hallowed yeah yeah right thinking that's a great general there if you pre walk the ground of history i mean that's the truth well that's a real ace up your sleeve if you can walk the ground before the ground has been walked i mean you're going to win the battle So Wellington basically was just sort of nosy, right?

23:15He was looking for battlefields and he spots this place with a gentle incline where he goes, this would be a very good place for a battle because I could whip out my reverse slope tactics. So he is a dad on holiday, but he is actually a commander as opposed to most dads who work in accounting. Yes. So it's a dad on holiday in Belgium. This would be a good place for battle. for a battle. And what they're saying that about is they're saying that about like a concourse and a shopping centre. They're going, I could shoot them from M &S there and I'll take cover behind the escalator and I'll take out TK Maxx.

23:52That'll be easy because they're idiots. So what's interesting about this is this is actually practical application of something that all men do. All men are doing this anyway. They're doing this anyway. You know, you're going to a shopping centre going, how would I kill everyone in this? You know, don't push me into doing it. Sure. So Wellington realises that this gentle slope would be a great way to conceal his army on the rear side. Yeah. Always protecting his rear. Exactly. Always protecting his rear so that he could surprise Napoleon with his number of forces. So let's get into the topography of Waterloo.

24:31So this is Wellington's view with this. This is quite a tactical innovation because he's not showing off. but it is it's the straight male ass you make it as small and irrelevant as possible of all of the sexual precarities and gender combinations the straight man has the least celebrated ass right then there are some of us straight men who have been blessed slash curse with an incredibly juicy ass you might need to hide that behind a ridge exactly i am every day i'm fighting my own waterloo i need to find a ridge to hide my ass behind okay yeah so he retreats after catebra to uh waterloo and napoleon advances and uh now wellington does not know at this point whether he's going to make a stand but then he gets a message at night from blucher 72 year old man with broken ribs okay who's just been trampled by a horse.

25:27He thinks he's about to give birth to an elephant. Right. He says to Wellington, much as Blair said to Bush in 2001, we will be with you no matter what. Shoulder to shoulder. He says that if he makes a stand at Waterloo, the Prussians will arrive to help. I don't really quite know how grouchy loses the Prussians, but at some point... Yeah, I don't get that either. I think Grouchy's very grumpy and doesn't like the job he's been given. Anyway, the fatal miscalculation is that Napoleon doesn't think the Prussians are coming. So we get to dawn on the 18th of June, 1815. This is after the Renaissance.

26:17It's before Karjutsu. Two Allied armies converge on this position. There are three isolated farm complexes. Ladies, what are you doing here? Wellington has concealed his infiltrate lines behind the slope. But this is driving Napoleon nuts. He's fucking thirsty. It's like, what arse is behind that hill? There's got to be an arse there. There's got to be an arse. Show me your arse. And all his gay troops are like, where? There are three isolated farms. Wellington has hidden his troops behind the slope. facing Napoleon. Now on Wellington's right flank, Napoleon's left, is the farm at Hougamont. The most famous of the three, right?

27:05This is the most famous one. This is a walled chateau surrounded by orchards and thick woodland. What Wellington has done, much as he learned in Spain, is he has made that fucking impenetrable. He has fortified that with 1 ,200 British men. Maybe they're Scottish. I don't know. There's got scars there. and this is a real precursor to Rourke's Drift okay this is why I love this so much it's just sorry I just turned into a black woman there just by accident that wasn't I just went but this is I wasn't trying to do that on purpose it came out of me it's Waterloo brother let it out let the spirit out this is what the darts are doing in the shed yes lad wait in the Waterloo

27:55so Hugemon is basically Rourke's drift now Hugemon Hugemon Hugemon now it has been raining okay this is very crucial as well there's been torrential rain so the battlefield is very muddy so Napoleon thinks well because I'm attacking I'm going to wait a few hours for the ground to dry again giving away crucial time for potential reinforcements to arrive. Every hour delay, it's a benefit to Wellington. Exactly. Wellington will spend maybe 48 hours out of like 55 on a horse. Napoleon can't sit on his horse because devastatingly, he has piles. Okay. This is potentially the most impactful piles has ever been.

28:47I think Waterloo is Pyle's greatest peak in history. Has Pyle's ever been more decisive? Now, what you don't want is decisive Pyle's. Now, I'm very lucky, touch wood. I've never had Pyle's. You will. You will have Pyle's. You eat like a dog. Do you understand why that's so devastating? Can you relate? Explain the experience of it. Well, sitting down on a cushioned surface with Pyle's is uncomfortable. at best. If you're on a hard chair, the kinds they would have had in the 19th century, that would be actively painful. Excruciating. If you're riding a fucking horse, night, night, sayonara. Yeah.

29:30Okay. What about, what's those exercise balls you can bounce on? You know, the ones with kids. Exactly. Space hoppers. Are they called space hoppers? The ones you sit and bounce like that? Pregnant women sit. Well, if I was Napoleon, because a huge, yeah, well, there's the ones you can hold as kids with the handles. What are they called, Charlie? Pregnant women sit on them. Yes, exactly. I think the problem is that Napoleon needed to be on his horse checking his flank, you know, and instead he was lying down. He couldn't get on his horse, but he should have been using a space hopper. He should have been using his piles.

30:00Is that what you mean? Is that what you mean? No, I mean it's something soft and bouncy to travel with. No, that still would be very painful with piles. Okay, well, maybe if his piles got big enough, he could use those space hopper. That's what I mean. If his piles were big enough, then he could have space hopped around on his piles surveying the sea. um what i will say is that i've never had decisive piles yes i've always thankfully had incidental piles where the piles are a discomfort but they're not uh deciding the course of my day or history or slash world events you know there is not used to isn't called that because of my piles you know yeah that's how decide really it should be called pile station because also everyone on those trains has piles and they're sad, right?

30:46Napoleon can't sit on his horse because of his hemorrhoids and it's muddy. Now, at 11.30 a.m., the fighting starts. Napoleon sends his brother, Jerome, hey man, to attack the farm at Hougamont to try and weaken Wellington's centre. Right. Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times. Your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks, and lists can easily begin to overrun your life. So finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything as a built-in business partner can be a game changer. For millions of businesses, that tool is Shopify.

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