History To Corner Women To | The Napoleonic Wars (Part 1/10)

0:00Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless wireless for$15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made$15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See terms. A burst pipe. A dead water heater.

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1:14Vanta is the platform used by over 16 ,000 fast-moving companies like Ramp, Cursor, and Harvey, who are shaping the future with AI and staying ahead of AI risk. Get started at Vanta.com.

1:29Oh yeah.

1:35Come on. Come on! I've got up at 3pm for this. Dinner's ready! Fuck you, Mum! Come on! Oh, it's coming. Better not be another woman guest. It's not a makeup podcast, it's a bloody history podcast. Come on, come on, come on. Welcome back to Finn vs. History. Today we start a ten-part series on the Napoleonic War. History doesn't get more history than this. Napoleon, Nelson, Wellington, Trafalgar, boats, goats, guns, and there's no women.

2:27I'm going to fucking come.

2:41Welcome back to Finn vs. History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. I hope to smell your underwear. And today, I've been the best boy. Oh, I've been a good boy. we're finally starting a 10 part series on the napoleonic wars christ i've sat through a week of art yep uh we've had two women have hit the podcast you've got your girlfriend on to talk about art and i was very polite yeah uh we sat through the suffragettes because i knew there would be a month where the women have to go home and i can just have some nice time by myself and eat meat like a dog the napoleonic wars well it doesn't get better than this well bb has gone to the fringe so i've got two weeks at home alone as a basically a single man and this just is the perfect timing living on my own as a bloke and now i'm doing 10 parts of the napoleon did this for it's what he would have wanted later for men alone women listeners i imagine there's been many women listeners we've attracted in the last few months active female listeners it's been nice having you here but now you must leave okay it's time for the boys time we're going to retire yeah the billiards room yeah discussing the polionic wars okay you can you can do your sewing and your cross stitching and you're gossiping in the front room yes okay uh this will will maps be gotten out of course they will yes will we move things across maps yes do the figurines have nice colored uniforms yes and it's none of your your fucking business your fucking business love all right you go and drink sherry in the front room and then your brains will get too tired where the men stay up late and we move troops across hills the infantry come in the cavalry come in the artillery come in there's a naval battle we say what we would have done with 200 years hindsight yes and also but this is what I love about Napoleonic Wars is that it's actually warfare you can understand yes it's probably the sweet spot wouldn't you say exactly this is exactly the point I was going to make because yeah it's got a level of tactics where it's interesting but it's like sport I guess it's football in the way that it's like, it's really easy to understand.

4:39Yes. Whereas modern stuff, it's a bit more like cricket where you have to really... I don't even think, I think people who listen to this podcast will know when we get into World War II, we're at fucking sea. You know, we can't describe, it's all about who has the most tanks. And it's quite... I think you can only see, view World War II from a continent-wide lens. But this one you can, yeah. You can, this one, you know, this one, I know how Napoleon beat the Austrians at Austerlitz. And I will tell you if you're female and I corner you in a room, I will tell you how he did it. A corner. Listen, I don't get invited to many parties, but when I do, I will find a lone woman, I will corner her, and I will say, do you know how he beat the Austrians at Auslitz?

5:22Do you know how he did it? He ceded the high ground. He left his right flank open. Mind games. You watch those early Attenborough ones where it's like a lion chasing a pack of bison and the ones who get caught on their own. Yeah, that's me. You should go for a weak one. cornering a fat chick at a house party and laying pipe about leipzig now listen now listen okay this is uh it's a it's an annual feature of inverse history we take we take a month just to fucking go swimming all right it's test cricket stuff it's our second 10 part series now the last one um was controversial yeah um we enjoyed it grueling It was, people thought, oh, that's a funny idea.

6:04And then by the time we got to Alec Douglas Hume, they thought, this isn't fun anymore. But this, I mean, this deserves 10 parts. I mean, the story of Napoleon and the Napoleonic Wars is an opera. I mean, he's a precursor to Alec Douglas Hume, isn't he? Yes, yes, he is. He's probably the only man who's fit to stand in the pantheon where Alec Douglas Hume stands. The long road to Douglas Hume, the Napoleonic Wars. He did to the 18th century what Douglas Hume did. to the 20th. Transformational. And again, once I have exhausted the Napoleonic Wars and the fat chick would like some water, I say, no, no, no, no, no.

6:41I'm now going to tell you about Alex Douglas Hume. Why I like the Napoleonic Wars, it should be said, we are doing 10 parts, but for the patrons, we're going to give you in two hits of five. Yes. Because your prostates will not be able to withstand all 10 in one go. Yeah. If you have Trafalgar in the same dump as Waterloo, you're done. Well, they got dog brains, don't they? They don't know when their next meal will go. They have Prada-Willi syndrome. We have found 50 ,000 sufferers of Prada-Willi syndrome who can't stop eating this podcast. They've got podcast Willi syndrome. They have podcast Willi syndrome.

7:19Yeah. And if you'd like to join, if you find you too are a fucking Labrador, then sign up. It's only three pounds a month. Yeah. So, yeah, you're right. The Napoleonic Wars, for me, I mean, this was like, when I was growing up, before I even discovered Bond, I discovered Sharp. Right. Which we're going to be talking about on one of the patrons. Yeah. Sean Bean, you know. Right. The aesthetics of the Napoleonic Wars are unrivaled in my mind. Masculine puffery. Yes. It's tight. It's the sweet spot between dandyish and like bravery. It's white tights covered in mud. Yeah. It's like, it's. Don't threaten me with a good time.

7:57white tights covered in mud but also it's kind of arguably the first world war right totally the first world war yeah and it's also better than the first world war much better than the first world war and also Britain's role in it is more interesting we stand alone again and I also we'll talk about Nelson over this series I find if you're doing patriotic history Dunkirk 1940 sort of leaves me a little cold I'm an Agincourt guy I'm a Nelson guy Nelson fires you up because a lot of the recent stuff has been it's amazing that we managed to get off that beach and it's like it's not this is this is amazing those three guys got those tie boys out okay without fucking them you know nelson is a defensive thing yeah it is this is i like this history because these are moments where you're on the front foot you're getting after it's basball it's expansive football you know it's when that one southgate game against spain we were three nil up at halftime yeah and we're like this wasn't in the tournament was it it wasn't but it was like maybe this is a new new dawn yeah it's that first half of football where it's like it goes against our national idea of ourselves but we get what we get fucking after well it was i'll tell you what it was it was the third place playoff where we trounced france yeah it followed the similar beats the whole tournament had been 1940 yeah and then the third place playoff when we got knocked out was the napoleonic wars an absolute fucking ding dong yeah um but also i think you're right in there it's the sweet spot so before the sort of 17th century warfare is essentially blokes in metal running at each other or walking or walking but it's pre-agreed you know uh it's like a sort of waltz it's a dance sort of like a hydraulic press it is a hydraulic it's fucking reacting to a hydraulic press and it's very on um it doesn't get me going so much you know and then when you get into well probably from the Prussian War onwards, it becomes a kind of slaughterhouse and it's about industrial strength and it's about numbers of planes.

9:57World War I is about trench conditions, really. The war is about... How smelly is your feet? It doesn't gird my loins. And then you get World War II, which is obviously awesome, but that's because of the Nazis, let's be honest. And you're honest. And I'm honest. You're seemingly honest. You're still listening to me. You're still listening to me. Don't look away. I've cornered you. I mean, I'm going to tell you about the rise of the Nazis. and why the Angeles was a good thing. Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for$15 a month is back.

10:31So I thought it would be fun if we made$15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three months, $90 for six months, or$180 for 12 month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See terms. A burst pipe. A dead water heater. The AC calling it quits. Who do you call? HomeServe is an easy way to handle unexpected home repairs. With plans covering stuff basic homeowner's insurance usually won't.

11:06Instead of scrambling for a contractor, you make one call to get the repair process started. Join the millions of customers who trust HomeServe right now. Go to homeserve.com slash podcast for 50 % less your first year. That's homeserve.com slash podcast. Savings compared to renewal price void in Florida. Your team just added its 67th AI tool and also your 67th security blind spot. The good news? The Vanta agent works like a GRC engineer in the background, finding every app your team uses, scoring the risk, and drafting fixes for you. Vanta is the platform used by over 16 ,000 fast-moving companies like Ramp, Cursor, and Harvey, who are shaping the future with AI and staying ahead of AI risk.

11:47Get started at Vanta.com. Because when you get into, you know, we've had Al Murray on this podcast. I'm sure one day we'll have James Holland on who will tell us that the World War II was actually about factories. Sure. And that really he turns, you know, cinematic battles into fucking quick fit reports. And it's very, very demeaning to us who like narrative. The Napoleonic Wars, right? Not only can you understand the tactics, even if you're a thicky, thicky dumb fuck. So it makes you feel really smart. You feel like a general. And that's all men are looking for in history. All we want is to feel like we know what we could have done, what they did.

12:22But also, the uniforms... I mean, the French are wearing fucking red trousers for the whole thing. Like they're having a Sunday lunch in Putney. Right, yeah. Red trousers. Yeah. In a battlefield. Because culturally, it's the age... It's the romantic age. It's the dandy. It's the romantic age. Yeah. Poetry and everything is charged. men seem far far more emotional than women it's like a rare period so the idea of a glorious death this is a 50 year time in history sort of 1780s to the 1840s say where the glorious death there's no more you know it's kind of like europeans uh jihadis for a bit where we're like there is glory in there and it's harder to go with the musket

13:05it is harder because you're gonna wrap it down yeah no it's harder to be a so we haven't spoken to charlie this whole series he's been really holding his hands up for a while um how do you guys want to go what do you mean how would you like ideally like to die oh to die yeah what is yeah what is the plane plane crash i think i think stopping a terrorist attack would be pretty awesome yeah i think roundhouse kicking one terrorist off london bridge and then another one comes like close to close combat and then like six of them on me i kill five of them but then the last one gets me and i bleed out and i say i'm not a hero as i bleed out you know what i would do in that situation is that i would accidentally roundhouse kick a toddler off the bridge right and then get into an xl bully and then get shanked by by a policeman or get tasered by a policeman but I have a heart attack and die because I'm too fat.

13:56I'd get tasered by a policeman, have a heart attack because I'm too fat and then die. That hero shot they have of someone bleeding out or it's pulling out. It's just you but shit spreading. But then also all the terrorists, I'd be the only casualty on a terrorist. They'd get stopped straight away. I've killed a toddler and then I have a heart attack because I've been tasered. That's what would happen in that situation. No, that's a glorious death. Yeah, that is a glorious death. The Napoleonic Wars listeners it's for me the only thing that betters it is the Nazis I just think the aesthetics the uniforms the dandy nature the big fucking plumes I was never a big Napoleonic Wars guys I was always skeptical of Napoleon as I am of all French history but I had to like it's not French history this series is not titled it's not titled Napoleon it's entitled the Napoleonic Wars okay that's a very crucial distinction but France is a very different beast in this war to World War 2 oh of course it's easy to forget this is before this is like ancient yeah yes this is uh this is ancient athens but for france right they've done nothing since in 1815 they went to sleep yeah you know that's their uh 2000 bc is this the only example of a wars where it's named after a guy like not the hitlerian because it wasn't called the hitlerian wars but if it you may think so in my house the hitlerian the hitlerian journey you may think so why is it named after him well because as we'll get into it's a it is world war it's a world war one yeah but it's all about stopping him yeah and he's he's the problem throughout all this but there's everyone is basically it's all on napoleon it's containing one man basically it's everyone ganging up on him but then he's so uh good slash everyone else is so uh looking out for their own interests it's under the great it was his wars called the alexandrian wars were they maybe no the hussite wars that's about jan huss not the rapper yeah um not jay huss anyway the napoleonic wars is uh where we'll be for the next month ladies it's been nice knowing you yeah so uh we are we can't really talk about the napoleonic wars without the french revolution but we're not going to spend too much time there because it's mad and i can't get my head around what goes on eight parts of french revolution i don't know a thing about it it's the beginning all i know is that it's the beginning of uh of being left wing so i i just sort of go all right let's get to the good bit where it's wellington and all that stuff um it's whiny french people yeah chop their king's head off yeah and then his missus it's uh it's a bread riot also price of bread goes up yeah and they care a lot about bread yeah obviously and then um and then what is quite funny is that the the left wingers take over and that's way worse and everyone dies.

16:40And they're so... Fuck it, your terror. The Robespierre terror. This is what the Telegraph was saying would happen to Corbyn. That is happening now, by the way. The terror happened. That was Starmer. And they've now... It's now got an enlightened potato. They've executed Robespierre. Yeah, Starmer's gone and now we have Burnham, Napoleon. So... It's funny calling the Starmer years the terror. The French are so fucking lazy they have to invent a machine to chop people's heads off. Yeah. They invent the guillotine in the 1790s. And at the end of the French Revolution, that's when Napoleon becomes essentially, you'd say the first, is he the first dictator in the modern sense?

17:17Perhaps he is. Maybe. Because he's not a king and the French are inventing, you know, the American Revolution, they don't do this. Yeah. And part of the reason that the French Revolution begins is that King Louis, I guess it's the 16th, is it? He bankrupts the country financing the American Revolution to spite the British. Yes. So he fucks him because of us. He is spiteful. Yeah. And he gets what's coming to him. Yeah, I don't know because it's part of me that thinks it's the first of any. But it's actually, Napoleon's working on classical grounds into modern age. He's Julius Caesar. He's Alexander the Great.

17:50Yes, yeah. But he's doing a lot of stuff that people used to do but haven't done for thousands of years. But that's also why this is so good is that he is, you know, he's the first modern dictator. He is, you know, he's French Hitler, really. If you think about problematic bookshelves of school shooters, massive tomes of Napoleon that we've both bought for this series. Oh, I've got one. Are big red flags because I think men throughout history, including Hitler, but many, many, I'd say problematic men, read the life of Napoleon. Excuse me? And it sort of fires them up, right? Yeah, yeah. It's more, I guess the incel school shooter mindset, right, is it's about enforcing your will on others.

18:30Yes. And because you're a loser that no one wants to speak to, it's hard to do that. And then you read Napoleonic books. You sort of relate to him because he's kind of an insult. Oh, he's a huge insult. Yeah. But then what he achieves, a lot of people in their head, they're at Napoleon. Yes. And that not having anywhere to go can be pretty bad. That's true. Yeah. So Napoleon himself, we'll deal with him in this first episode. He's born on August the 15th, 1769. Should we place this? This is after Dick Turpin did an Iron Man up the country. It's after Dick Turpin. And it's just before Captain Cook found Australia.

19:07Yes. Found. Found. Again, re-found. Started Australia. Australia didn't exist until Captain Cook found it. That's the position of this podcast. I won't be hearing any comments. Turn the comments off for this episode. I don't want to hear. He found some mushrooms and he dealt with them robustly. It's like a video game where if you're not looking at it, it's not, doesn't exist. You know what I mean? Like it's, it buffers as you experience it, right? Yes. Yeah, exactly. So essentially he's born now, he's born in Corsica and he's actually born Napoleone Buonaparte. He's Italian. He's Italian. He's kind of like Lionel Messi is what I view.

19:40He's the Messi. He's a short Italian man, basically. He kind of has a new identity. So he's born in Corsica to an Italian noble family. I think Corsica is known for a lot. I have a Corsican friend and the, the stereotype is like the Isle of Wight in France. Really? It's seen as like inbred central. Very incestuous. it's much more romantic when it's that close to Italy, isn't it? I do think Italy. Italian incest. Italian incest is like, you could do the same. Exactly. Nothing more important than family. You could do the same incestual crime in Hull and you would have way more stigma for it than you would in Milano.

20:20Yeah. incest in Hull is getting more it's more like Fred West it's like you can see that it's kind of like 70s interiors both your eyes are too far apart you know the kids gonna have eyes on the side of their head yeah whereas in Corsica ice we're all dressing we're all dressed well sprezzatura we're all riding vespers eating little fishes ice or or give my sister a little lingering kiss on the mouth a very long lingering a long lingering kiss and a long lingering fingering and the kiss will only leave when she turns 18 yeah anyway so he's born in corsica and uh his dad his family is uh is a sort of noble family his mother leticia uh fucking hates him right and spanks him a lot spanky bop bop this historians think shaped his character because he's always he's always trying stuff to impress her yeah but she's not having any of it but i guess there's only he must be the most written about guy ever and Napoleon must be up there for like biographies of his life.

21:18Not Matt Letizia and Napoleon, but not Matt Letizia Bonaparte. Letizia Bonaparte. His mother was not a conspiracy theorist about the Ukraine war. What an arc that man has been on. Incredible. Who would have thought that one of the best English Premier League centre forwards has ever been? Yeah, just his goal highlight compilation is sort of second to none. The Solent Bergkamp. And yet he has become, I mean, an anti-vaxxer. I want to see, because he goes on so many podcasts i want to see all of his scam on all of his uh conspiracy takes cut between his best goals oh i'd love that because he is hitting it top bin i just think what you know why why why have ukraine gone into russia you know why have ukraine gone into russia it's their fault they started it oh um yeah so when he gets to school uh he goes to military school age nine on a scholarship and he faces severe bullying.

22:13People say he's got his nickname Straw Nose. Savage. Absolutely savage. I mean, this is Kill Tony stuff. Yeah. And he's short, famously, and he's poor and he's smelly. But again, what does smelly smell like in 18th century rural France? Yeah. This is the land of the smells. If everything's in bold, nothing's in bold exactly if everything smells nothing smells true but he but he looks like he smells right i think throughout his life he looks like he fucking honks but this is why he's sort of he's got a school shooter he's a total school shooter he's like at the edge of the classroom you'll see you know the problem is he's the he's the only school shooter in history who actually did it he conquered europe yeah and then he just did one school too far yeah in russia really in many ways they all do one score two well all the fat ones do yeah you know but in their heads they're they're the italian campaign yeah when when columbine is happening he's like i'm doing what they did at loadley and marengo and austin it's yeah you know you know but napoleon never shot a fat kid okay you know he was dealing with a much more sophisticated sense of warfare but also it's columbine his copycat killings he didn't know that was an option no exactly so he did the napoleon it was well he had a napoleon complex napoleon was just had a which i used to have a routine about napoleon complex because it is funny it's just like can a man what can a man short man do yeah like he's he's achieved more than anyone he's one of the most like iconic uh person in history and everyone's like oh it's because you've got a small dick is it yeah it's like what fuck off they said that about they said that about um hitler as well and recently the revisionism oh he had a micro penis well can you not just let his achievement stand alright maybe he wanted to do it and yes he had a small dick it's so funny they keep bringing this up it's like Putin's got an opponent's complex it's like surely we should be talking about some of us can have small dicks and not do all this is that the point I got a small dick where's my medal but if you're going to slag Putin off why are you going for the why is that the it feels like the wrong place to start my eyes are up here you know it's like my war crimes are up here my war crimes are up here They're not down there.

24:26Not down there. Stop staring at them. Our walker arms are up here. It's the same, actually, as having to go, you know, constantly obsessing about Sidney Sweeney's Chebbs rather than her acting talents. For sure. Brackets as yet unknown. So, now, he retreats from his bullying into books about Caesar. I was not going to help. Alexander the Great. Now, he didn't have a book about Napoleon to retreat into. No. Because he was Napoleon. Yes. But this is exactly what you were saying. Yeah. fat losers do now as they retreat into Bookaband Napoleon. 100%. He starts, from very early on, he has this sense that he is, they'll see, they'll all see.

25:05It is school shooter stuff. Yes. I'll show them. It's Trump being slagged off by Obama. That's a high shot. White House Correspondents Dinner. That's him at school. He's just nodding. You'll see. To be fair, that was me at school. I'm Trump at the White House Correspondents Dinner. You know, with my French You'll see. Ian Burgess, you'll see. You'll see. One day, I'll have fucking 50 ,000 incels in my beck and call. I'm going to take over to this school with an army that's bigger than Hamas. Fucking hamburger ass. Anyway, so in 1785, he gets his first artillery commission. Now, he is an artillery guy.

25:45So he's good at maths. And at this point in warfare, maths is applied devastatingly with cannons. Yes. This is the age of the cannon. Because you need to know where you're shooting. Angles, mortars. It's all about, protractors are important, I think. Is it protractor or what's the, what did Galton measure a bunda with? That was a... A sextant. Sextant. This is all tools that you need to work out angles, you know. Is it called a sextant because he was so horny doing it? No, I don't think it is. You know, I got taken around the Science Museum by a listener to this podcast because we've got virgins in very high places.

26:18Why you do? Well, I got upgraded at the Sumo. We do have virgins in very high places. we're living like a certain type of king. Yeah. And he was, yeah, I think as someone who's a, who knows a lot about science, he does say this podcast is occasionally completely unlistenable. There's whenever, I mean, it's not for you, mate. It's not for you. Okay. This is not for men who corner fat women and bore them about radioactive particles. He did. He did show me a V, a V2 bomb, a real one, which is pretty good. And he showed me a piece of the moon. And then he showed me an NHS bike from COVID. and i was like well an nhs bike yeah so like a bicycle that carried the vaccine across london two years ago and i was like well can we this one not as good you've really built me up and i thought we're building up i don't need to see anything from covid to be honest mate yeah just a but i sit that bike's outside i don't need to see that there's loads of them outside i've got one i got one here good guy so uh 1785 napoleon gets his first artillery commission he is just 16 barely legal maybe quite legal at this time 75 his father carlo had died in that year and so he becomes financially responsible for the whole family uh now this will never change he is very socially awkward around women he loses his virginity uh aged 18 to a prostitute in paris having subjected her to a cold interrogative interview on the street so supposedly he goes up to her and goes uh where are you from where's your hometown uh how did you lose your virtue yeah which is again a chat up line many of our patrons will use you lose your how to lose your that's that's a tier negging yeah yeah car from the table i need to know how you lost your virtue before i can buy your drink uh and then ask her if she enjoys her work yeah that's he's starting to loosen up now so do you enjoy what you do uh and then he writes in his journal that the encounter he talks about it with an intense moral superiority and an awkward sexual lurch.

28:19Sex never fits well with him. No. You know, some people, sex doesn't, you know, it doesn't hang well on their frame. Yes. And I think Napoleon, it never has that. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough being stuck in an unsexual body, but being sexual inside. Yes. Yes. Very, very hard. So 1789 is when the French Revolution kicks off. the the first uh blue hair brigade uh blah blah blah an interesting point at this period napoleon hates france he's a course he's still calling himself when aparte he's still italian at this point corsica um has been colonized by france so and he has a lot of hatred for them and his dad originally fighting in the corsican war of independence i think he's got a lot of writings that he tried to hide about corsican he writes novels do you know this he wrote a fucking awful novel did it in like the 1790s and it's so horny is it it's about a guy who basically it's about romantic novella about a cut soldier who dies heroically it's called clisson eugenie isn't he getting he's getting after at this point i think he's maybe in italy by this point this is like yeah how's he doing this while he's he's doing campaigns at this age he finds campaigns so easy right but he he really you know this is the romantic age as you said so even though he's campaign winning campaigns he's like you know there's something about being cut yeah even though he's cut yeah yeah he's kind of um because we haven't done much french history and we're entering a new realm of horniness we've done a lot of german history and we talked about german horniness which is kind of like a is a little unhinged the horniness there it's almost like they're not really horny they don't quite get it do you know what i mean the germans there's a lot of sexual stuff in germany but it's not really horny it's like clinical it's clinical it's like well yes chug me with the leather and put it put the rock in my bum like it's not very like but then the french it's a true horniness it's like huffing dirty underwear it's the bat it's the noses it's the covid bat yeah france for horniness yeah there's just like a they have a different level they you can tell it's just a true horniness that and this is why they love it This is why, as we'll see, Nelson stopping Napoleon from getting to India is so important.

30:34Why? Because were the French horns ever to meet the Indian ones, the world would just be covered in cum and we'd all be dead. Okay? The French-Indian War, I mean, if they allied together, I mean, Christ. We're just getting ahead of ourselves. So 1789, French Revolution, blah, blah, blah. King gets executed. Now, Napoleon is a young artillery officer. He gets his major breakthrough during the siege of Toulon in 1793. Now, it must be said that the French in the terror at this point, they've killed pretty much all their leading officers. Yeah, so if you're going to try and climb up the ranks, this is a good time to do it.

31:14There's never been more space on the ladder to get up. Toulon is Toulouse. It's just by Toulouse, yeah. But they're different. Yes, yeah. There's an old joke, which is where do you get your clothes from? because they're all, did you get your clothes from France because they're all too long and too loose? Someone said that to me once after I did an Edinburgh, like a free-friendly Edinburgh show. What, an audience member? At the bucket speech, you went, where did you get your clothes from France because they're all too long and too loose? I went, fuck off. Put the money in the bucket and fuck off.

31:41I had some money and went, fuck off. Already fucking humiliated. Playing whistleblinkies. Yeah, now what he does here is that there's an officer above him who's like basically the British, God save them. Please. By this point, in 1792, it's the beginning of what you would call the French Revolutionary Wars, where the revolution is starting to spread panic amongst the established European order. And so the Austrians and the Prussians and the British finance by the Brits. They don't want it spreading to their own countries. No, we don't want this mad, woke nonsense spreading. So the Brits finance, what I think, is this the first war, the first coalition, perhaps?

32:23There's a lot of coalitions and I'm not going to get too into it because it drags the fun out of it. But so the British have seized the port of Toulon, which is where the French fleet are based. And Napoleon basically says, rather than taking Toulon, if we seize this one castle overlooking the bay, then we can then shoot the fleet from there and they'll have to retreat. And the officers are like, no, no, no, no, we go and get the thing. And this is the first moment where he thinks outside the box. And so he devises this plan. he wins they win the battle yeah they get the and the British have to evacuate Toulon and this is where he pummeled he pummeled them from the from the shore yes yeah the undefended flank with the cannons and this is where he catches severe scabies so there's a dead gunner and he takes the dead gunner's guy dead gunner's gun and loads the cannon himself the swab and then he gets the dead guy's scabies which means he has this lifelong obsession with very, very, very hot baths.

33:27It's basically where it's a sexually transmitted kind of rash, but it's little eggs that live under your skin. I thought I had it the other day. The other day? It's all so recent. Jamila checked me in... Jamila Jamil checked you for scabies? No, Jamila was an old lady, and she checked me in Forest Hill GP, which is my GP. Just saying that out loud on the podcast. And it turns out I was just washing my... Basically, if you scratch, if you wash your balls with shampoo. Yeah, you're not meant to. You're not meant to, but it feels so nice when it gets bubbles. So it turns out. You're not building a ladder.

33:59Yeah, I just get suds up there. But it was actually causing quite a lot of dry skin. Not in a horrible way. No, in a lovely way. Definitely not in a horrible way. It's lovely. Your dry skin balls. Enough for you to go to the doctors. Yeah, yeah. And I thought I had a condition or scabies. And it turns out my balls are too clean. So you went to a woman called. I got a selfie with Jamila. Maybe I could put the picture in. You showed Jamila your balls? Yeah, it wasn't... Did she have a look at them? She did, but because she had to. Did you then say like, oh, this is such a mess. You try and fuck Jamila.