I Have A Dream (That You Should All F*ck Off) | Idi Amin (Part 2/4)

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1:09and Grogu. Now streaming on Disney+. Read PG-13.

1:27Welcome back, listeners, to Finn vs. History. It's part two of the Idi Amin series. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. Why are you gay? Why are you not on the Patreon? This is... Why you no pay? Why you no pay? Why you no pay? Why you no pay? Are you gay? Are you gay? Only gay no pay. You eat the poo-poo or pay for the petrage? We're into part two. Big Daddy's in power. Yeah. I'm wearing my hat to a slant. This is a cool dictator. Is it? Yeah. So this is what... Steve Buscemi. Yes. With the skateboard as a dictator. Yeah. So a dictator, his main thing is to attempt to get with the youth. uh idiamine's first the first person the first world reader world reader the first world reader the first world reader to recognize idiamine gonna be a big episode for asians this the first world leader to recognize idiamine is none other than our old friend friend of the pod my goat himself my goat british prime minister edward heath yes pour one out for ted go on he doesn't see women but he sees Idi Amin yes you're a man I can get on with you're a massive man I could see all of you imagine Heath and Amin in loincloths wrestling and all that wouldn't that be nice I think it'd be more Idi would be cradling Heath because Heath was essentially well he's like a baby potentially Heath eat the poo poo potentially behind doors he might eat the poo poo are we saying eat the poo poo is now a slur for being gay yeah right okay no I know but are we calling Edward Heath and eat the poo poo yeah right okay fine we are Ted Heath he's one of the first world leaders to recognize amin because sees idi amin as a bulwark against communism because milton abote not milton jones had been leaning left and idi amin has snatched power from him and he's now in control of uganda and amin promises first off that he will not nationalize the british-owned industries and the british officials they think they can control him but this is the same pattern in every single one of these we've done pretty much right it's like decolonization madman gets put in state by the west because they think he's going to stop communism ends up genociding his own people it's the same in every single which is still better than communism so it's win-win Israel supports Amin's rise to power

3:51these days Israel wants a friendly African nation to buffer against the Arab countries in North Africa of a friendly African nation. It does sound like a great place. El Lode. You know, if that's all Israel wanted, that'd be fine, wouldn't it? Yeah. But actually, Uganda was originally going to be Israel. Did you know that? Yes, we talked about that, yeah. There was a moment where they were like, let's make a protectorate for the Jews in Uganda. What could have been? Africa core would be very different. I feel that there would have been another mess. You think they make a mess wherever they go?

4:23No. Is that what you're saying? It's not what I'm saying. Sounds like that's what you're saying. I'm just saying, just seeing that region's pretty spicy, is it? It is quite spicy. I don't think it would be a peaceful gated community for Israel. No, you probably have people with blue hair saying free Kenya, but whatever. Anyway, Amin's first state visit is to Israel. And this is, again, this is pre his love affair with Gaddafi. Colonel Gaddafi is not this hot on Israel. Just call him the colonel. The colonel. Colonel of our hearts. after Israel Idi Amin flies unannounced to London to meet the queen only he knows that he's going to meet the queen he arrives hello dear where is the queen where is your queen he tells her that his visit is a pretext for a shopping spree because he fucking loves going shopping Idi Amin be shopping yeah he claims London Oxford Street you know Marble Arch he does it all he claims London is the only place he could find size 14 shoes.

5:23So at one point, I think there was a, I think every week there was a plane left open for him at Heathrow that they just load up with like suits, whiskey, you know, caviar, whatever. He's a shopaholic. He's a shopaholic. It's like, it's basically. I've got a bit of a problem with shop. I'm a bit of an online shopper. Are you? I just become a bit of a problem. I can't stop. You know, because I live with Paddy and Paddy says that he needs to get at least 30 sponsored ads before he'd buy that. it needs to break them down right i can do it first time i want that yeah just straight away straight away so i'm pretty susceptible it's quite uh you're quite womanly in that regard my wife my god and bb does never shops so she's kind of the bloke in that right situation and i'm always so she's she's got to fold up your cardboard yes and all your internet that's what i do and i take my stress out by folding up the cardboard in the recycling bin aggressively i have a little i I take a little knife out there and I stab my cardboard like that.

6:18And I'm fine. I don't need therapy. I've got my little knife and my cardboard. My wife insists on buying things. Anyway, it's all crap as well. Yeah. Needless. I'm a sucker. What are you buying then? Just all sorts of things. Clothes. I bought fiber powder recently. Fiber powder? It's like fiber supplements. Need a poo poo. Need a poo poo. Need a poo poo. Need a poo poo powder. I mean, that's a great branding for fiber. Need a poo-poo? Need a poo-poo? Eat a powder. Get the guy who did eat the poo-poo. Let him have like a memified career resurgence similar to Why Are You a Gay Man? So he goes to Israel.

6:58Now, he then goes shopping. Idi Amin be shopping. At home, however, he's not quite as jolly as he's making it seem. Problems at home. Problems at home. Idi Amin's got problems at home. Maybe the shopping is covering up for the fact that he's got a lot going on at home. The country has fallen down the stairs. We don't know if anyone's hit the country. The country's answered the door with two black eyes and they're saying they fell down the stairs. And I'm taking that at face value. Amin reappoints himself commander of the army, but it must be stressed that the military coup he's just done, that's not really the army.

7:32It's like a few thousand people in the army. Do a cuckoo.

7:38Do the cuckoo. Yeah, he didn't mean do the cuckoo. so it's only really like his mates in the army that are actually taking control sounds like a fucking what a time i mean it's basically a whatsapp thread's gone fuck it let's run the country and then they're now like oh shit this isn't even the main army whatsapp thread this is a thread that we joined to complain about the other guys in the army uh so now they have to uh clean house yeah which they do fairly robustly right it's end of tenancy clean yeah deep clean we're deep clean in the army otherwise known as a purge yeah he extinguishes any opposing voice political or military and his former health minister henry kiemba later said even amin does not know how many people he's ordered to be executed the country is littered with bodies so uh he purges what the members of the army who belong to the achuli and langi tribes he just lines them up he shoots them supposedly he visits the morgue at night to taunt his dead enemies which seems like rubbing it in tough on crime tough on the causes of crime opens the morgue i mean it seems slightly like nelson i don't know why you're doing that yeah he's a he's a cartoon bully yes yeah he is um he orders 36 senior soldiers to come to a special training and then when they get there he just bayonets them to death that's quite funny though that is quite funny yeah it's a you know no no special training it's a yeah it's a pullback and reveal special training yeah um because i wouldn't be expecting that so no he invites others to meetings locks the doors and throws grenades in.

9:11I mean, it is quite a funny way of doing it. It's quite a clown card. That's what I mean. It's like, you know, you're comparing this to like the Stalinist purges. But you know the bangers, the things you throw on the ground, the snapping things. Yeah. It's like that. Stink bombs. No, no. You know what I'm talking about. They're like little bits of flip. Firecrackers. It's like that. It's a bit fun, but instead it's grenades and they die. Yeah, in a locked room. It's not the same. Well, that's simulating that. He's just doing it for real. Right. Yes, that's true. So by early 1972, he's killed around 5 ,000 soldiers.

9:42So he's taken revenge on the people who tried to stop the coup. Anyone he thinks is still loyal to a Bote, who is in... A Bote was coming back from Singapore on a plane and then heard Amin was in charge and just diverts the plane to Tanzania and just sort of rocks up there. So he's living in Tanzania. This episode of Finversus History is brought to you by our dear friends at Surfshark. Now, I've been trying to protect myself online. I've been putting condoms over my laptop. I've been mashing up contraceptive pills and putting it in the HDMI port. I've broken my laptop. Yeah. But. Turns out. What?

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12:02Yes. Welcome to the Foxtrot Vagina Hotel. Four extra months of Surfshark. Don't let online threats catch you off guard. Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. Push your limits, train with precision, see the results at equinox that's high performance loving everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at equinox start today at equinox.com anyone that had been tasked with arresting amin by a botte is beaten to death yep with his bare bare hands um and there are rumors that ed amin keeps a severed head in his kitchen freezer and brings it out at dinner parties to berate and throw cutlery at it.

13:003D dartboard. I mean, maybe if I was sober... 180. I feel if I'd just arrived, that would be pretty harrowing. Four or five wines deep, the head comes out. I think it's just... After dinner. Before dessert. Before dessert. Yeah. You've had your main... I think when you're but too settled in, I just don't think you're open with it. Not with the nibbles, Iddy. Okay? it's a bit of strong with the nibbles yeah what is it John? you know with Pistorius where I could only I can really imagine Pistorius shooting his wife through the door of my toilet that I showed my brother you have a lack of empathy when it comes to the toilet you can't imagine another toilet so in the Pistorius patron episode you said that you imagine he did it in your toilet I can only picture it there I always have and this one I can imagine it I used to live in a warehouse with a massive lamp and we had a big freezer and I can only really imagine this in my old in the warehouse like Iddy Armin in my warehouse is it like a chest freezer yes you could put a body in the freezer you could definitely fit a head in there right probably more similar we had a big lamp and I can imagine Iddy in there right that's all right thank you no worries I think you should start saying thank you after your interjections more as if you've well thank you like a folk singer when he's just done a song thank you thank you that was new that was new that was new when I was trying thank you so this interjections call if you could actually title them before you do it as well.

14:24This one's called Another Pooh Story. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks very much. So in early 72, Idi Amin's men murder hundreds of Abote supporters. Again, Abote supporter sounds like a slur on the Tanzanian border. 20 ,000 of them then flee into Tanzania. The bloodbath is so extensive that bodies clog a hydroelectric dam on Lake Victoria faster than crocodiles could eat them. Okay. He loves sending people, feeding them to the crocs. Yeah. That's his thing. Yeah, it's cartoon. It is a cartoon. It's not the Falkirk wheel, Charlie. Why do you get the Falkirk wheel? I don't know. I could just imagine all the bodies on the Falkirk wheel.

15:07I'm in a different place to you guys in this episode. Yeah. Clearly. I'm at mine or in Scotland. We're in Uganda. To be fair, we haven't placed... I mean, where this country's going, the Falkirk wheel will probably be clogged with bodies. Right. we haven't placed this which is maybe why Charlie's can't get a grip yeah we're in 1971 in Uganda would you like to place 1971 for us 1971 so that is that is after LBJ and his big knob got sworn into office which was the biggest knob an American president has ever had has been in office and has left and it's before the smallest knob I would say in American office Jimmy Carter and his cardigans.

15:51We haven't really talked about Jimmy Carter but I do want to get onto Jimmy Carter but I would reckon it's between the biggest and smallest knobs ever to be. Well he was a peanut farmer which sounds like a slur for someone who's more than a He wore cardigans. Fucking peanut farmer. Can we try and find out Jimmy, so that's Jimmy Carter's 100th birthday. I bet I, man his, no one's knob has been smaller than Jimmy Carter on his 100th birthday. Yeah, the video Jimmy Carter enjoying his 100th birthday. I don't think he's enjoying anything. Yeah, but can we just try and find out if we get a sense of how Yeah, can we get a sense of the size of the knob?

16:18I would look Christ that he right now he's the size of LBJ's knob being wheeled out LBJ's knob is in a wheelchair looking at an air display for his 100th birthday he was approximately 5 '9 and half inches tall 5 '9 5 okay a history of severe recurring hemorrhoids don't know if that means anything that caused incapacitation in 1978 wow so he could not do his presidential duties because he had piles yeah now I've had piles for months and I've been podcasting fine right so he clearly i mean this man was probably the worst there's something else going on yeah but i'd say that between the conjecturally biggest and smallest knob in the post-war u.s presidency yes i'm sure beforehand it's like i think jefferson was packing to shit but yes uh johnson big hog carter peanut farmer edie amin takes place in between those two um what do we think do we think nixon had a big knob um i mean the way he acted implies that he didn't it feels like he was always insecure.

17:20Small dick energy. He's got probably the most small dick actual energy. Yes. But I think it's because, do you know what, whereas Jimmy had a tiny knob, I think Nixon had an aspirational knob. So it was like aspirational working class. It's like on the edge of two classes. That's where the insecurity comes from, right? Yeah. So he's on the edge between two... His middle name was Milhouse. And I know it's after the fact, but it's impossible to think of someone called Milhouse having an absolute schlong. Our nine inch long. The biggest slong to be in the White House is obviously Michelle Obama. Of course.

17:54He's got my knowledge. Errol Musk, Elon Musk's dad, has broken the case that the biggest dick ever to inhabit the White House belongs to Michelle Obama. He's got a nine inch long. He's just obvious. He's got my knowledge. Don't you know? Fucking leg down there. Now, atrocities that Amin starts, the clever thing that Amin does, which I suppose is what the film tries to show, is that his atrocities are kind of happening in the countryside. they're away from the center escape to the country it is a sort of escape to the country um country file yes he's a country chris packham chris packham uganda is very different yes chris is um you're just trying to make country that's what i do whenever country file country i'm like what i don't know i don't know control that guy's a country file i'm going into a rural supermarket car parks no he's a statutory country file i think yeah yeah yeah anyway uh now he didn't mean sets up his own secret police uh i got a lot of time for this can you find some pictures charlie of the state research bureau that's what i mean it's a secret police so you want to be secretive yeah you want to go under the radar you're sort of like a you're like a u-boat really yes and he gets them all to wear leather jackets hawaiian shirts and aviators similar to the tonton similar to papadoc's secret police yeah only in africa would you get guys walking around in sort of pointless contestant shirts leather jackets they look like they're on a quiz show Just like Alexander Armstrong.

19:42He's asking them, and what do you do for a living? And where do you do that? Nevin doesn't smile. I mean, yeah, ironically, they're wearing Milton Jones tops. He's ironic. So Milton Jones would not have run Uganda. He could have been a member of the secret police. Anyway, so they are responsible for these mass arrests and disappearance. Victims bundled into the boot of a car, never seen again. Prisons get so overcrowded that they start using underground storerooms for the overflow. Now, the torture methods... Yeah, it was quite rich for my blood, actually, some of these torture methods. Some of these torture methods are...

20:21They put Pol Pot to shame. Yeah. And it's about a similar time, is it? Yeah, it is a similar time. It's not a great era for torture, or it's a very good era for torture. They might have used some Pol Pot in the torture methods, though. Yes, they might have. So the State Research Bureau, in the Hawaiian shirts, I want you to remember that while I'm reading out this list, it's all happening to you in a Hawaiian shirt, which is maybe even worse. I think it might be. Might be worse. The last thing you can remember is seeing the colourful patterns of the... Yeah, it's like... Aloha. Yeah, Aloha. They don't have the flower necklaces.

20:51No, they don't have a lele. That would be taking the piss. It's like, by all means, like, you know... Yeah, electrocute my balls. Electrocute my balls. Don't fucking do it in a lele. That's taking the piss. So they pour boiling water over them. Sam Allardyce, 442. Fuck off. Human tea. They'd get people... put the kettle on put the kettle on human tea maybe they call it that that's a bit of fun yeah they would get prisoners to fight to the death with hammers no that's not a great one that's um i mean yeah yeah i mean if i guess if you can get past the the ethics and you get past the ethics uh i guess there's a spectator element i guess it's got diy pokemon maybe i'll pick up because what i would do if i was a torturer so i'm a sick fuck this is not me but if I was getting past it, it would maybe pass the time better if I could like, it's like playing dice with the guy across from you.

21:44My one's going to be your one and the hammer. You put money on it. Gamify it. Yes, well, they clearly gamify it. They would force, forced consumption of salt until death by dehydration. I'd hate that. I would absolutely hate that. Going the same way as a slug, not for me. Not for me. Eating just like spoonfuls of salt until you die. how many how much salt is that charlie can you find out i made the most banging carbonara the other day i don't think that's right and right it was full of salt it was there was so much salt in it that i had to have uh i couldn't finish it and i had to sit in the shower like i don't know how good that carbonara sounds like one of the worst carbonara's ever been that feels like there's too much salt no there was too much but it was like the perfect carbon if you have to go in the shower like you've just been traumatized i had to sit on the floor like were you fully closed rocking back like a boy girl yeah if you if you if you have to eat a carbonara and then have like a post-rape shower, it wasn't a good carbonara.

22:39But other than the amount of salt, it was so banging. Well, it wasn't, was it? It nearly was. A lethal dose of table salt is roughly 0.5 to 1 gram per kilo of body weight. That's salt poisoning. So let's see how much it would take to kill Idi Amin. Well, yeah, Idi Amin was 127 kilograms at his peak. Now, how much was Gemma Collins at her peak? How much salt? Is that like a Ford Fiesta full of salt? I reckon she's... Is that, you know... She's riding it, though. She's on the line. She's riding a bag of salt. So Gemma Collins at her pomp. 23 stone, so 146 kilograms. Right, so what's that? 14 kilograms of salt?

23:17No, it's one gram per kilogram. It's one gram per kilogram. There's 146 grams of salt, which is not that much, is it? It's not that much. It's probably about as much as you put in a carbonara. But one spoonful of salt would fuck you up. So it's about a quarter of a puppy. why is that your measurement so hang on so jama collins who i think you told us weighs five seven year olds yeah it would take a what a quarter of a quarter of a puppy to kill you to kill a quarter of a puppy of salt so it's not much at all pretty lethal well not if you weigh five seven year olds it's not that much actually is it a quarter of a puppy

23:58how have you changed species i mean you could have you could have even used a different age human and you've changed species you know we've got our bearings with the seven-year-olds just about just about okay jemma collins is five seven-year-olds edia means four right but it takes a quarter of a puppy to kill jemma collins how much of a puppy does it take to kill just a normal sized man probably probably basically not a puppy if it's not even a puppy it's not a unit of measurement is it if it's a quarter of a puppy so 400 grams so it would be about a third of a flat in Bristol after I left uni, the guy who'd been in my room before me had kept chinchillas, like three chinchillas.

24:41He was like free bleeding. No, three chinchillas. Oh, sorry. And they weren't loose. There was cages with hay and stuff. You were trying this like, you know, gentle parenting. Yeah, no, no. No, it just, the smell never went. Did you like it? No, I didn't like it. No, you bring a girl back and be like, have you been on a farm? No, it's two chinchillas. The guy before me had chinchillas. Anyway, I digress. Clamps and weights applied to testicles. I hate that. And then you'd have to like squat. You'd do... Well, we did some similar weight when we did a circuit session. I did not make you put kettlebells on your balls.

25:17Felt like you did. You just couldn't lift a kettlebell. You implied it. Sorry? You implied it. I didn't... No, you read into it too much. This is what your PT's making you do, right? It's forced hopping with bricks tied to genitals. That's Ugandan deadlift. Have you noticed? If you put a country's name in front of an exercise, it's automatically worse. It doesn't matter what word it is. Is there not one country that the Vatican City deadlift? No, that's a pedo thing, surely. Yeah. Canadian deadlift? Oh, yeah, that would be what that would be. New Zealand deadlift? Well, that's just not going to the gym, isn't it?

25:50Canadian deadlift. Yeah, you'd have to hop with bricks tied to your genitals. Oh, fuck me. That sounds bad. And then they'd have electrodes applied to women's nipples. and that sounds quite sexy. Yeah. I think some of the women might be enjoying that. Yeah, I think that's a separate thing. I think that's a separate... I don't think that was part of his... I think the researcher just put that in. Let's just leave Idi Amin's private life out of this. Crucially, he lets a few prisoners escape every time so that survivors could... Because that's the thing they say, isn't it? You go, it's better than...

26:17You want to let them live because then they can tell everyone that it's really bad in there. Yeah, you need a witness. Yeah. They've got to be doing Ugandan deadlifts in there. Yeah, what's the point of doing it if it's not on Instagram? Exactly. Exactly. So they have public executions and they show them on TV. Well, there's not a lot of other TV being made. I don't think it's got a huge media industry. Let's tag it on. Is there? Yeah. Did you just hit yourself on the face of the microphone?

26:42I guess in Ugandan TV, it's Ugandan Question Time, which is, why are you gay? Was that David Dibbleby? That's a public shooting. And then it's, which is the news. I mean, I'm enjoying it. I mean, I'm watching it. I'm watching it here on my phone every night. You don't need many channels if it's just that. If it's just that. It's just gold. I'm three channels. Fuck it. Idi Amin had a great thing for quotes. And now we'll get to this when we get to Mugabe. He's probably the king of quotes. Have you seen that clip of the radio hosts where they're like, if you are ugly, you are ugly. Men do not walk around with x-rays looking for your inner beauty.

27:17Was that Mugabe? Yeah, that's Mugabe. Oh, that's great. But Amin has a great thing with quotes. His quotes are this. I love this so much. Is that Mugabe? yeah stop talking about inner beauty men do not walk around with the x-rays to see your inner beauty who is that from i mean i just i just want to i just want to guest on that show i just want to host an african radio show even though i'm white and british i'd love to just you know well maybe if it all goes tips up, you know, Spacey, you know, performing in Cyprus spaces tap dancing in Israel. Maybe you could be doing, I could just be hosting in Africa.

28:01If this goes to shit, you could go, you can. Robert Mugabe school of courts. Um, so these are some of Idi Amin's quotes. You cannot run faster than a bullet. Yes. Uh, there is freedom of speech, but I cannot guarantee freedom after speech. Which is kind of the kind of ultimate quote. Ultimate quote. On freedom of speech. I want a tea towel with that on it. because it's like freedom of speech is one of the most talked about social issues of our age yes that is sort of like the final quote on it there is no there's no room for maneuver after that yeah you can say what you want but if you say the wrong thing i'm gonna kill you so it's up to you isn't it yeah i mean is that freedom of speech yeah yeah you went to freedom of movement after i've cut your legs off it's consequence culture yes he's a big belief in it's a big believer in consequence culture yeah uh so he's now in terms of his personality we've talked about how he was kind of funny and stuff.

28:53Clearly, he's a funny guy. Sexy. Big Daddy was his name. He calls himself Big Daddy. He's like the nation's father figure. So he drives around without any security. He also claims to have known the exact time and date of his own death. Which he never made public, so we don't know if he was right. I don't know. But he'd be like, I don't need security because I know when I'm going to die and it's not today. So he then quite quickly gives himself a new title, which I will read out in one breath if I can. Ready? his excellency president for life field marshal al hajj dr edy amin dada vc dso mc lord of all beasts of the earth and fishers of the sea and the conqueror of the british empire in africa in general and uganda in particular right i feel phenomenal if you're going to make a really long i don't know if you can have in particular in there no that's so funny he knows exactly what he's doing africa in general uganda in particular i don't know if that can be in your title it's so funny he knows what he's doing yeah sort of uganda which is kind of near zimbabwe but not quite not quite that's in your whole title yeah phenomenal yeah lord of all beasts of the earth and the fishes of the sea and the conqueror of the british empire in africa in general and uganda in particular amazing amazing he gives himself a lord doctorate fuck it i'll take that i want one of those yeah uh he gives himself two military crosses the distinguished service order and the victoria cross which he renames the victorious cross for copyright reasons yeah like when pez does like London Red for Arsenal.

30:17Yeah, yeah. It's a pro-evo Victoria Cross. He's not actually won it. He sees himself as a man of action. He definitely is. He clearly is. That's one thing you can't, he's not lying about. He's a man of action. He gets on with it. Yeah. I mean, you quite often have, you know, you talk to me about how, I don't know if I'm, you know, doing enough or that. Tie some fucking bricks to your nuts and start walking. Yeah, but I don't think that's what he was. No, tie some bricks to someone else's nuts and force them to stop walking. I don't think he was doing that. He's walking around like this. Ugandan deadlifting.

30:47He's got the strongest nuts out of anyone. How would you strengthen your nuts? I don't know if it's a muscle. I don't think you can strengthen them. I don't think there's any muscles in there, right? I'm not an extra on nuts, though. Mine are like two fists.

31:04Yeah. I don't know if mine are... You've got two black power salutes down there. Idi Amin says, quote, I never had any formal education, not even a nursery school certificate. You don't get a certificate for leaving nursery school. but sometimes I know more than PhDs because as a military man, I know how to act. He's got a bit of a point here. I think there's a lot of value put on books but the world is defined by people of action. Yeah. You know, can you type in, this is another African quote, hopefully he's Ugandan, one drunk man's worth three women with PhDs. Type that in. Have you seen this?