Imagine The Falklands But With Less Going On | Napoleon’s Final Exile (10/10)

0:10Well, viewers, it's part 10 of the Napoleonic Wars series, your distended prostates that have been hanging out the back of yourself since episode six. it's time to quietly fold them back in. Yeah, it's sort of like when Prince Charles folded up the British flag in Hong Kong. Very similar. Can we get the footage, please, of the handover of Hong Kong, please? Yeah. All empires must fall. It was one of the lessons of history. It is, including this podcast series. Today, it's... It's the great mistake that many men make in history, thinking they can last forever. Yeah, but we had to... The story has come to an end.

0:50This is the final part. This is our viewers now watching their prostates being rolled back in. Look at the bit with the flag. There's a bit where there's like a folded up flag. Yeah. It's almost like a repatriation ceremony for a dead troop, actually. Fireworks going. Prostates being taken down. Billowing in the wind. A lovely speech. We've had a great time, haven't we? We've had a beautiful time. What a great ten episodes it's been. I've had the best time talking about the Napoleonic Wars. But now we must hand the series over to the Chinese. it is their series now they will manage it the napoleonic napoleonic it's hard to say it's hard to say but they've earned it it's theirs now it's theirs now um to recap napoleon has finally been defeated on the battlefield decisively yeah waterloo uh was where wellington saw him off there are 50 000 human casualties is it named after that abbas song it is abba was first um that's why they called it waterloo again it's his favorite again it was wellington's favorite song right it was his favorite song again very hard for the chinese to say waterloo i don't know what they're going to do with this series now that they own it yeah the neporionic wars warrington at walteroo um i think other names that he might have called it radioactive or summer by calvin harris were the other options for the battle yes those were But he decided that Waterloo was in there as well.

2:16But he went for Waterloo. That is his favourite song. Bangarang was an option. It's probably the gayest thing about Wellington is that he was a huge Abba fan. And you know what? You can tell that we're just circling the plug hole here. We're trying to postpone handing the series over to the Chinese, but the prostates are being rolled up now. Yeah, an awkward goodbye. The flagpoles are bare, and the series is in the hands. Chris Patton has now left. And in the rain, God Prince Charles looks good. Anyway, more importantly, 50 ,000 human casualties, 10 ,000 dead horses. How many horses die in the Napoleonic Wars total, Charlie?

2:50Just scores on the doors. Nay their name. Bodies have been looted. Let's go to the cricket pavilion and see the scores on the doors, please. Scores on the doors. How many horses? I didn't know there was that many horses. Roughly 1.5 million to 2 million. Well. That's completely insane. That's a horse to cast, as far as I'm concerned. this is a sad day Napoleon has been defeated now Waterloo the battle itself only lasted nine hours yet it destroys 20 years of work of conquest the school shooter has finally been asked to leave the school I don't think the school shooter gets asked to leave well this one does that's what's fascinating the FBI says could you please put your gun down and go home and think about what you've done because there's a quarter of a million there's two million dead horses in that school you got a Saturday detention for that we're going to have to have a big chat about this when you go in tomorrow why did you get suspended and I killed three injured kids at school with an AR-15 it's fucking bullshit couldn't get the drama class though thought they were all trees got absolutely murked now on the 18th of June 1815 the day of Waterloo, Napoleon abandons the battlefield trots back to Paris As he loves to do.

4:08He loves abandoning the battlefield. Now, he expected to find his ministers preparing for yet another campaign. And yet he finds politicians preparing to remove him from power. First thing he does after Waterloo, arrives back at 8am, he demands a bath. A scalding hot bath because he hadn't slept in days and he was suffering, as we know, a decisive bout of piles. in the way that you'd talk about World War II potentially being, the Hobbespornian view of World War II being a battle of factories, right? Yes, yep. Could you argue the Napoleonic Wars was a battle of hemorrhoids? I would say that. I would say this is a hemorrhoid struggle.

4:46Hemorrhoidian struggle. Yeah, you'd have to say this is really 20 years where piles is at the piles has never been more important. Yes, it was Napoleon's piles and Wellington's distinct lack of piles. Yes, because he was a straight man who'd never fiddled down there. He'd only ever cleaned, he'd used his bum as it was intended yeah uh as to expel to expel not to welcome to invite

5:09okay uh invite only yes was wellington's arsehole and he was never asking no one protected their southern border more than if only wellington was alive today to be honest our southern border would be clean and it would be no argy would have even they wouldn't even know what it looks like they wouldn't have fucking tried it anyway Napoleon quite often was having baths instead of sleeping. He found baths a sort of replacement for sleep. This is one of the most Napoleonic things about Charlie, actually. You're a big bath guy, aren't you? You're a deep love of baths. I showed you my bath. I've seen your bath.

5:39I was surprised about how lovely your domestic life seemed. That's what everyone says. It's a clean flat. Your room seemed kind of clean. It made me more suspicious. And then on the way back, it kind of made me kind of angry. Why? It sort of implies that you sort of live a relatively peaceful life. And then on the way here, It goes wrong. You just start deciding to, you know, you paint the Joker mask on and you come in here with a state of anarchy. Every man's home is his castle. Right. Okay. But his workplace is his latrine? Yes, and my work is my toilet. I guess that's what upsets me. Every man's home is his castle and every man's work is his toilet.

6:15Now, Napoleon had not slept in days and to treat his piles, which had, we can say, lost him Waterloo, he was given leeches. Yes. So now run me through that as a man who knows more about piles than me. I would say... Piles correspondent, Finn Taylor. Papa. Yep. Yep. Hello. Hi. Hello. I'm just, I'm standing outside my own asshole here. And as you can see, it's completely fucked. It's a bloodbath. It's a bloodbath. We've done 10 episodes of Napoleon and I'm hanging out the back of myself. I'm trying to roll the flag back in. Like it's like a cartoon tongue at the moment. but I imagine what leeches do is that you put leeches on the hemorrhoids themselves to try and bleed out the piles to try and make it less taut saggier piles to drain the trapped blood relieve pressure the leeches like this is fucking disgusting I've had worse Mondays they're loving it thirsty Thursdays for the leeches it's happy hour for the leeches down there it's fucking ladies night down on the piles.

7:19You only see all those city traders all up on the street corner outside pubs. That's where all the leeches are. It's Soho at five o 'clock. This is fucking brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Sun's out. We were standing around drinking pints. Yeah, so anyway. There's a schooner scorer leech who's rating a pile. This is a hemorrhoid scorer. I'm here outside of our Finn Taylor's piles and we're going to have 60 seconds for the 100 perfect piles. Let's go. Yeah. By this point, The French people's fascination with Napoleon is starting to ebb. Yeah. Because what once was their great emperor who had given France an empire, had dominated continental Europe, and, you know...

8:00Made France a brief super state. Yes, exactly. Well, he had sort of... We haven't really talked about this. He claims that he was trying to basically unite Europe, but he wasn't really. He was trying to make Europe... So he was trying to make the EU. He did make the first EU. That's kind of his legacy. and however at this point he's just a chubby smelly man with piles who can't win a battle the coalition armies the 7th coalition under Nick Clegg they have arrived at the gates of Paris and pressure is mounting for Napoleon to abdicate for a second time now there was a guy called Marquis de Lafayette who had fought in the American Revolution big player in the American Revolution he's back in France and he's saying that France must not be dragged into another dictatorship and Lafayette declares the liberty of the nation is in danger.

8:49Because obviously, I suppose, you have the American Revolution and the French Revolution and they go in very different paths. Yeah. In what sense? Well, in that the American Revolution, that, you know, is it Washington's actually an incredible, you know, he's one of the very seismic figure in that he gets power and then relinquishes it. Yes. Which is unlike basically anyone in history. Yeah, it's kind of the defining act of American politics. Yeah. Whereas French Revolution, it just descends into a bloodbath. 20 years of bloodbath and then Napoleon. And then a military dictator, basically. And then the king back for a bit.

9:23And then the fattest king ever comes back. Yeah, it's a complete mess. But it's also, you can see the two different, the way the countries go, can't you? A top historian got asked if the French Revolution was a success and he responded in one of the drollest ways possible. He said, it's too early to tell. I mean, that's good stuff. But that's a very droll. That's as strong as it gets. Yeah. That's Gandhi being asked about democracy, isn't it? Yeah. And it's like, oh, what do you think about civilization? You know, can't wait to see it. Can't wait to see it. Love what you've done in the place. Can't wait to see when it's finished.

9:55Yeah. Walking into Manchester. Real Beethoven brother stuff. Yeah. What is it, Charlie? And interestingly, something I picked up on is that if... Okay, go on, Charlie. If Napoleon had been wearing boots in the same manner that Wellington had been, then we'd be wearing nappies on our feet. Want to know what's happening in US politics without getting too depressed? American Friction could be the answer. Every Monday and Friday, we analyse the biggest news, characters and mishaps in America. That's American Friction. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. It's time for race rankings. We've ranked Pakistanis high recently, but let me tell you about Karoolean Indians.

10:35Oh, they're performing well at the moment. Listen, they are hot, sexy Indians. They are some hot property. And they are top of my list of my favourite races of people right now. Wow. I mean, this is big news. I mean, you're finding out here that this is the Screen Rock podcast. This is a regular feature we do. We do a bit of race rankings. It's kind of like woke racism whilst talking about social media, really. That's our vibe. Exactly. We pretend that we want to talk about social media. Really, we want to talk about whether we prefer people from Pakistan or Brazil. And right now, Pakistan are winning, baby.

11:04So listen to the Screen Rock podcast, if that's the kind of thing. We'll see you there. So Napoleon briefly considers trying to dissolve the constitutional assembly by force. However, his closest advisor said, no, there's going to be another coup. It's over, mate. Okay. And so the chamber passes another resolution to basically say Napoleon's fucked. So like Charlie, they throw that coup into the toilet. Yes, exactly. Yep. Cooing in his hands, throwing it in the toilet. And he realizes quite quickly, I mean, this is days. This is only a day after he gets back that he doesn't have the support. And so on the 22nd of June, 1815, Napoleon abdicates for the second and final time.

11:46He proclaims his four-year-old son, Emperor Napoleon II. Right? See what you're doing there. Yeah, okay. Okay? I see what you're doing there. He's four. Okay? Is he really going to rule as emperor? Now, he then gets quite sad, obviously. he goes to the estate of his late wife Josephine the one with the black gums and he just goes into her room and like huffs her panties and cries I mean he basically locked himself in her room for three days and just smells all her stuff I think. He's asking everyone if he's a good boss Do you like working for me? Do we have good times? Did I make you laugh? And he's just huffing her pants weeping it's a tragic end you know and i guess it's the i'm always thinking uh with the similarities with hitler you know napoleon tries to kill himself um after what was it leipzig no yes after his first application before elbe tries to kill himself yeah but i'm just thinking if hitler had lived you know would he have been would we have exiled him you know interesting would we uh would he be sort of rattling around, huffing on pants.

12:58I just, I just, I've been thinking a lot about, sorry to bring it back to Hitler. Please. But I've been thinking a lot about. Let's just, let's just stop, stop following the prostate back in for a second. Just leave that little tongue out. I do think there's a, there's a cinematic option. I do think, you know, have you seen the documentary Searching for Sugar Man? Yes. I do think there's a, there's an option that we find out Hitler's still alive. And he's Sugar Man. And he's like, and he's number one in columbia yeah he's like well he's 128 years old how old would hitler be if he's still alive because there's still a chance 1889 we've never seen his body 100 he'd be he'd be a hundred and uh he'd be the longest he'd be the longest living man in in the world he would be uh you know what he's the he'd be 137 years old and uh it's the only person i would wish to uh take over from ethel caterham who is i think she's she's leading i think she's winning now she's definitely i think ethel is now the oldest living woman come on ethel let's get that trending give her a facial on it spaff on ethel um we need to moisturize that face she does yeah it looks she looks like a cliff so um she looks like the white cliffs of dover yeah it's beautiful that's a face that stopped a thousand small boats yeah but what i'm saying is probably the way i'd most like to see hitler come back because we're trying to think what's the most dramatic way you maybe want a documentary with talking heads about the life of hitler and then you're watching it as you watch any documentary about hitler and you're just adding it to the pile maybe this time it's different maybe yeah and then there's that dramatic talking head much like in the scorsese documentary when they end each episode by introducing one of the key players in his life be it dicaprio or de niro at the end of the part one you see this old 137 year old man yeah with this old tash he's got tattoos all over him yeah and he sits down and he's fiddling with the mic yeah and it says adolf hitler and then it ends i think that would be the best way for him to come back yeah i mean it'd be absolutely brilliant if he was just a netflix talking head yeah how old stillborn hitler now stillborn hitler he would be in his 90s no no but stillborn hitler we must stillborn hitler is not someone's name yeah i mean if probably in the records the name is still we need to give people context i mean there's been a long as you pulled that out from a month months ago that was a gay lord hitler's relative who did not was died at birth yeah dr gay lord hitler yeah who has no relation to hitler but has an unfortunate name yes uh one of his relatives was stillborn but charlie thinks that means he was called stillborn hitler which is as we said probably the only first name you could give a hitler for us to think that's a bit of weird hang on what have you named it that i mean the second name of the problem, we'll get to that, but still boring.

15:40I don't know what that shortens down to either. Stilly. Anyway. Sorry. Napoleon is depressed. He's huffing Josephine's pants. And his reflex, okay, is to try and escape to the United States. He says, he envisions a new life. I shall become a farmer on the banks of the Ohio. I don't, I wouldn't buy that for a second. Yeah, really? You can't be. He couldn't settle down like that. No, no, no. This guy's impossible. You need to imprison him. he can't he can't I mean there's an interesting counterfactual would he have if he'd settled in America would he lived long enough to see the American Civil War well he would have been I mean he you know the piles was an indicator of serious serious gastro civil war was that 50 1850 60 65 right so that'd be really an old Napoleon but yeah he probably wouldn't survive because who would you afford for because in 1802 Napoleon re-establishes slavery in French colonies right so So, you know, what...

16:37But you would have loved to see him have one more run out. Oh, an 80-year-old Napoleon. In American Civil War, a new kind of blank slate. Or is it like Hitler in Brazil? Is Napoleon just there? Loving it. Fetching one and coke, Catinga. Yeah. You know, just... Regrets, I've had a few. Lounge singer. Well, then again, too few to mention. So, now he goes to the port of Rochefort, where two frigates are ready to carry him across the... atlantic frigate yeah yeah but uh uh the british navy a british frigate is uh anticipating his move there's a heavy blockade a suffocating blockade patrolling the french coast inspecting every vessel um and so napoleon is trying to think he's in a circle trying to pitch these increasingly mad escape plots they want to force him into a barrel yeah but he's fat and got piles so um they can't yes you know he's trying to get he's trying to get in the barrel then he's like I've got to go face down, but then there's lids shutting on my piles.

17:36That's going to be sore. It's very much like, yeah, have you seen this recent, it was about two days ago. Trump got put into a suitcase pretty much. Really? I don't, he got. I think there was a threat from a guy with a kind of RPG. Yeah. And then BBC did tell on Trump. I don't know why they're telling around the tricks though, because it basically, he got into Air Force One and then he had a secret way out and went in like, it looked like a suitcase luggage hole and they went into another plane. I guess he's just showing them it's like a kind of, fuck you. Yeah, but I don't want to keep that secret.

18:10Yeah, but he can't. Yeah. He needs to know. He's also boasting about all the threats he gets, I guess. Yeah. He also needs you to know that he gives the charisade. But imagine taking him out, being the Iranian guy to take him out with an RPG on the airport. Is that what was going to happen? Yeah. It wouldn't be in the airport. No, he's in that little kind of charm. You know the little fields next to airports? Right, right. I always want to go in there, but they never let me. But like going and standing Like the final scene of heat? Yeah. Just RPGing Trump from there. Yes, very much so. Yeah. Then sitting back on a little bollard.

18:38Loving it. I don't reckon you'd sit back. I reckon you'd run. Oh, just on a chair. Yeah. Police sirens are coming. I did it. Come take me. I did it. In a way, you know. Now, his brother Joseph looks very like Napoleon, so he offers to swap clothes and stay behind and be captured while Napoleon slips on a ship. But Napoleon refuses and says no. Good guy. Don't take the rap for me. Then they try to... He's trying to think about his mythic end though, isn't he? Constantly. He's trying to think narratively. Well, it's the romantic era, isn't it? So, you know, the idea that he lives too long, so that he's just a fat guy stuck on a rock with his piles, nursing his piles for company, is not romantic.

19:23You know, Nelson's death is romantic. Napalion. Napalion. Yeah. Terrific. Napalion bum is a part. i yeah i was like oh no i was like oh no stop because you've nailed it and you've gone too far but actually napoleon's bums apart bums falling apart yeah yeah yeah no that's really good charlie yeah it's good so uh anyway basically at some point uh the escape schemes don't really work uh he's worried he's gonna get executed but about a month after waterloo he walks aboard the hms Bellerophon and surrenders himself to Captain Maitland and he compares himself to the Athenian general Themistocles do you know who that is?

20:09No I don't actually I've got no idea who that is that's quite a smug face is that Captain Maitland there? yeah he's got a bit of a Beethoven's brother it's not Emily Maitlis it's not Emily Maitlis how would he surrender himself to Emily Maitlis? how would I surrender to Emily Maitlis? I'd just be naked I'm all over just Emily just whatever you want I'll do whatever you want are you covered in cum or poo? what did we say last time um what did we say last time i think it was poo no i know she's watching us poo ourselves and then we're getting off on her going yeah it's absolutely disgusting and we're embarrassed but loving it loving it yeah yeah god he's smirking he's very i mean that we're looking at a photo of captain maitland now he's absolutely chuffed with himself he's got napoleon oh look at the cat dragged him yeah napalesean that's what he's just said he's just thought of napalese and he's just sort of napalese and bums falling apart and he's going oh he'll hate that that's really gonna eat away them napalese and bums apart uh but the british essentially uh they get him on board and then they they uh he goes back to uh britain is it plymouth yeah the ship anchors off plymouth and then basically it becomes a fucking tourist attraction uh hunt like thousands of people come and just look at him and he's just kind of like jackson visiting fulham isn't it yes very similar so napoleon basically becomes a tourist attraction he walked out on the deck at 6 p.m every day wave at the crowds people sold telescopes commemorative souvenirs refreshments and he's looking through he's looking at the crowds through a spyglass and he's zeroing in like um like world cup camera directors he's just zooming in on fit women

21:47and so he's loving it you know the ship surgeon kept a journal recorded that napoleon became transfixed by a general's daughter in the crowd he said to the british officers i never beheld women with such beautiful bosoms well that's nice isn't it you know growing big down in the southwest milky british women lolloping along the coast and again this is you know this is before Funsters. Is it chubby funsters? Yeah. This is before the British Seaside becomes the intense cavalry charge of women on mobility scooters with a single crutch. Pre-mobility scooters. Hey? Pre-mobility scooters. Yeah, we should place this actually.

22:24This is 1815. So this is before the first mobility scooter. Yes. And is it... But it is after a proto-mobility scooter that Henry VIII was designed, was given in Hampton Court where they would haul him along pulleys. So there was an indoor mobility scooter essentially, but the external mobility scooter was not invented. Yes, Charlie? Can you ever see yourself getting one of these when you're older? I mean, probably as a young man, it's actually hard to imagine, but I think that's probably a lot of hubris to that. And there's a sort of, there's an invincibility of youth that you haven't really considered.

23:00I'd rather be one of those old blokes who clearly needs one, has no does like two fake hips and like inches at a time i'd rather be that when you look kind of like you're kooky yeah random random who's this guy you can't rather be and even though your personality is not random your walk begs begs to differ yes i have a random i'd like a sort of silly random hip gay rather than be on a mobility scooter but you want to like crit walking basically basically yeah i want to sorry i want to end up you know the um that when the people do the green screen and they have to be apes and they got the two crutches you know it's like yes yeah with the bubbles on that's how i want to travel but without the green screen right so i got two crutches and i run forward on all fours like andy circus yes um now napoleon has been kept off of britain um he so that's old people is this guy it's this guy yeah yeah yeah yeah see you got his little crutches in his hands that's kind of i want some of these to be moving now the prussians when i stand i'm still it's just when i when i move i immediately go so you want to go grandpa now uh the prussians want to execute napoleon but wellington is against this yeah because he says he's again wellington is an arch conservative he does not like killing the men at the top he says i was determined that if the sovereigns wish to put him to death they we should appoint an executioner, which should not be me.

24:31So they don't, he's asking for asylum. I mean, this is ridiculous. He's an asylum seeker. Ridiculous asylum seeker, you know. You're not a woman or a child. You're clearly of military age. You're Napoleon. I mean, this is a long line to asylum hotels, isn't it? Well, yes. Is an asylum seeker being kept in the local area causing a ruckus? Yes, it is. And there are people looking at this ship going, fucking hell, this is a four-star accommodation for Napoleon. And also, he is perving on them. and there's a bit of sexual harassment actually going on from an asylum seeker. And he's a terrorist. I mean, this is the first asylum hotel.

25:02Yeah, this is GB News sort of stuff. This really is. This is the long road to GB News. He's asking for asylum. No, you're literally Hitler. Yeah. So what the British do, and this is a real victory of empire. You know, the British, they go, we've got this fucking rock. Yeah. 2 ,000 miles off the coast of Africa. we have an island called St Helena which the Portuguese had discovered a few hundred years before and now it's now a trading post basically to wet the ships as they go to India and we're going to go send you there and you're just going to, it's the ultimate exile it's basically just ejecting you into space basically in the middle of nowhere and this is why as Britain you've got to have these islands Is it still British?

25:47It's yet more evidence the Falklands, the Chagos Islands San Diego Garcia Rise up the Jagossians Diego Garcia this is why you have to have these islands for naughty boys who you don't want to give asylum to in the UK it is still British, well thank God rejoice, okay prostates back out yeah, prostates are still flying in St Helena now, Napoleon is stunned by this news that he's going to be sent to St Helena he says this is worse than an iron cage he's transferred to HMS Northumberland there's a 10 week voyage because he genuinely thinks that he'll be given a cottage in like the Cotswolds and he'll be able to just chill it must be completely delusional thinking that but he seems convinced that he'll just be given like an amazed draw house basically they're ordered to refer to Napoleon as General Bonaparte, this really annoys him.

26:46General Bum's fallen apart General Bums Fallen Apart. Sorry, General Napalesean Bums Fallen Apart. And he hates this. So Napoleon plays chess on board. This is interesting, I thought. But Napoleon is notoriously terrible. And so his French companions, because he's going with like three or four of his closest aides, they don't really know where they're going. And then when they get there, they're like, oh, fucking hell, this is far, man. What I like about him being terrible at chess is it sort of undermines chess as well. because I think people who play chess will think, well, actually, I'm practicing myself because it actually means I'm a great strategic man.

27:20And when it comes to practical applications because I know chess, I like how this shows that there's actually probably no causal link. It's got nothing to do with it. It's just a really, really nerdy game. Yeah. So, yeah, 20, about 20 people of his personal, he's got an entourage with him. He's got like the So Solid crew. Get a bit of the So Solid crew up, please. But his French companions are terrified of upsetting his ego, so they intentionally let him win so he never loses the game. but it is weird this is Napoleon and his entourage on board but it is weird that someone would be that good on the battlefield and that bad at chess but then I think Napoleon would have been good at poker because really Napoleon you're being the man Napoleon conflict is about getting someone to do something so you can defeat them how you want to yeah chess says that is it yeah you're trying to get them to make a mistake or go off to take a piece so you can take a piece I just think it's so boring yeah what's the way you can lose really quick fool's mate that's the way you yes the way you did yeah charlie got fool's mate against was it you losing two moves yeah to an eight-year-old to an eight-year-old yeah i was really upset how quick is it fool's mate i was like i didn't even realize we've really started

28:32yeah eight-year-old two moves two moves yeah what was your first move I don't know. I think my first... It must be there's only very few ways you can do that. Yeah. So it must be... I just left everyone bumble. This is Charlie's tactical brain working. Now, there were so many rats on board the ship that 140 chickens got slaughtered by these huge rats. How big can rats get on ships? Because also, I think there's rats on St Helena as well, and they end up taking his organs. Half a metre. That's very big, isn't it? Look at the fucking state of that one. That's Napoleon. He kind of looks like Napoleon.

29:13So he arrives in St. Helena and he thinks, fuck, this is shit. I mean, this is even, this is a place, the St. Helene's would go on holiday to the Falklands. Right. That's how depressing it is. Right, right. Okay. So he's like, I wish I'd stayed in Egypt. This is shit. Yeah. And then the British Parliament passes a law to basically ensure they can legally hold him indefinitely. Yeah. So it's similar to the Blair after 9-11. Yeah. It's like we've just got to detain you without trial. Now, Napoleon in 1815 is 46. And while he's on St. Helena, he makes best friends with a 13-year-old girl called Betsy Balcombe.

29:54There's not a lot to do, though. No. And he's far away. Yeah. And, you know, I suppose this is geographically, would this be Southeast Asia for him? Yeah. Well, Ebbesy's Island. Maybe. Yeah. He stays in her family's garden pavilion while his residence is being built. And he flirts with the girl in French because she's fluent. Well, he's having his kitchen redone. So you've got to sleep in a 13-year-old girl's bed until... Sorry, the kitchen's being redone. Your feet sticking out the end. Yeah, sorry. I'm having some work done. So I'm a paedophile for a bit. They spent afternoons playing Blind Man's Buff, bantering.

30:31Yeah. No, Betsy... Blind Man's Buff. Sorry? Bluff. Blind Man's Buff, yeah. Bluff. blind man's bluff um yeah they're either playing blind man's bluff or 13 year old's muff i don't know which way it is but anyway um betsy insists the fondness was paternal but rumors of a forbidden island romance captivate europe does he do the blind man thing so he has plausible deniability of her age clever very clever very clever yeah that's good i couldn't see her i couldn't possibly know that's a good point could you just see if there's been any cases of paedophilia where blindness has been um has got them off your honor i thought i thought she was 16 i can't see she said she was 16 that's all i've got to go on yeah you have to do a long game with the blindness though yes you've got to really be seeding that early well you've got like when you try and get off work with the with an illness and you start coughing a couple days before you start sowing the seeds you've got to be using disabled toilets and you've got to be waiting for people knocking and you've got to get out there you've got to be when people speak to you you've got to be looking like this what i do what i do if i'm in a disabled toilet and there's someone coming in and when i go out i'm just like i'm like that i feel them i'm sorry well you you grope them as well two crimes in one you're getting away with murder i wouldn't well i wouldn't just i wouldn't be i wouldn't be groping you if i was didn't see uh colin boone colin boone from salisbury sorry this is crucial there's multiple legal cases sorry this is crucial uh a crucial tangent um multiple documented legal cases where individuals accused of child sexual abuse allegedly were registered blind and attempted to use their visual impairment as a defense.

32:05Right, so they're registered on the blind offenders. The blind register, which of course cancels out the sex offenders register. Anthony Webb. I tell you what, knocking on people's doors takes a lot longer than the blind register. Exactly. You're knocking a lot of people's garden fences. Just turn around, turn around the other way. Excuse me, I've got to let you know that I'm registered blind. Who are you talking to, mate? Anthony Webb, an 81-year-old former Paralympian judo instructor from Cornwall. Okay. I mean, that's triple B, though, right? On the bingo card there. I think that's just history fans.

32:38Judo instructor. A Cornish sensei. Yeah. Claims that the inappropriate touching, this is during his trial at Truro Court, was entirely accidental due to his blindness. The jury rejects the defense, convicts him on six counts of indecent assault. But is it inappropriate touching because he's destroying this kid at judo? Yeah, I mean, that's not inappropriate. I mean, that's just a martial art. Colin Boone, 61-year-old from Seoul, spree um police sees 26 digital devices containing hundreds of lots of digital devices i bet it was more than hundreds yeah uh the uh he said i can't have looked at them or consumed them because i'm blind however digital forensic evidence proves the images had been consistently saved on his devices over a 10-year period interesting and he pleads guilty well i imagine also you could catch out some blind people if they had sort of maybe child porn um literary erotica and it was in braille that's the kind of well that's interesting legal gray area it's a sort of yeah if there's yeah uh braille child porn you know because it's just dots isn't it who's being hurt yeah exactly you know let's platform andrew shaw yeah right we're just we're just um with the opposite of no platforming we are platforming blind pedophiles um andrew shaw uh appeared before blackpool magistrate's court it's an absolute tour of the british pedo isles isn't it cornwall salisbury blackpool uh he was facing charges of possessing 71 obscene images of children on his computer he was registered blind very long had a guide dog yeah but what i say 71 is a very rare case it's nearly always over 10 000 images it's nearly always about two or three terabytes yeah it's always more child porn than you could ever watching a lifetime that's always what stands out you know what i said 71 is you never have do you know what i say about child porn less is more and this is this is a very tasteful pedophile to have you i'll tell you what genuinely this is a collector we've been you know i'd say that we're sort of maybe experts in this field we've been covering uh i'm not an expert in child porn i like to distance myself from that claim straight away i mean in we talk a lot i'm an amateur i'm an amateur child porn collector um i'm just saying that we we cover these cases more than most people quality over quantity that's what i've always said about child porn but 71 what i'm looking at this what a what a old money tasteful be the fall that is wow well it's not it's not it's rare that you get a graceful child child pornographer but andrew shaw you know uh tasteful man it's like when you're buying um kitchen appliances invest a lot of money into them so you want to rebuy them get a good toaster it will last you 10 15 years so andrew shaw registered blind uh had a guide dog he had his defense lawyer argue that his severe lack of vision made it difficult for him to determine the age of the individuals in the images suggesting he believed he was downloading images of 16 year olds or adults interesting that he didn't go higher than 16 yeah it's interesting that it was right on the line yeah because he's clearly can see well enough yes so he's like i thought they were barely legal teens yeah illegal teens yeah but then why is that a category why is barely legal a category it should just be legal or illegal you know implies that he's there like what's that and he's looking at the dog like can you bark three times if she's under 50 with a stick i mean i'll tell you what in his in the innocent common the 71 images does speak to his innocence it implies he's got a lot of images across the gamut of legality and only 71 dip into the illegality because that's very, you know, un-paedophile-like.

36:15Want to know what's happening in US politics without getting too depressed? American Friction could be the answer. Every Monday and Friday, we analyse the biggest news, characters and mishaps in America. That's American Friction. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. It's time for race rankings. We've ranked Pakistanis high recently, but let me tell you about Karoolean Indians. Oh, they're performing well at the moment. Listen, they are hot, sexy Indians. They are some hot property. And they are top of my list of my favourite races of people right now. Wow. I mean, this is big news. I mean, you're finding out here that this is the Screen Rock podcast.