In this House We Say Grace with Horse Cock | Vikings (Part 2)

0:00This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. Push your limits. Train with precision. See the results. At Equinox, that's high-performance loving. Iconic spaces that inspire. Personal training backed by real data. Unlimited group fitness classes from yoga and Pilates to strength and conditioning.

0:44Elevate your post-performance ritual with saunas, steam rooms, cold plunges, and more. Everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at Equinox. Start today at equinox.com.

1:23We'll see you next time. Best dressed. Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app.

1:41Welcome back to Finversus History. I'm with Horatio Gould. Hello. We are talking about Vikings. This is part two of our series on the Viking Age. Northern Alpha Chads. The Northern Alphas. Yeah. Fucking hot, sexy Norse men. Yeah. And we left off in our last episode talking about a burial. Yeah. Witness. Well, this is a mythology and a history that we can relate to because we're, you know, Northern Europeans. What? Yeah. You know, this makes more sense to us. This isn't a mythology though. This is real. Yeah, this is real. But this kind of world, I think. Oh, I see. The burial. Yeah. I do think funerals are very boring.

2:17Yeah. And I sort of, I mean, I'm not saying they should be like what I'm about to say. Yeah. but something that's not just a photo of the fucking, of your aunt on a box. And then for this story, the sort of Jim in the office, the Tim in the office, Martin Freeman looking at the camera going, what the bloody hell is this? Is that what you're doing? Oh, this is happening. No, this is the Muslim. Oh, the Muslim guy. This is Ibn wiping my ass. Ibn wiping my ass. Ibn Fadlan. Ibn Fatlad. Yeah, so he's, Ibn Fatlad. Yeah, Fatlad. He's been, he's looking at the camera. The whole time this barrel's happening, he's like, yeah right yeah he's literally going like this right yeah he's he's a redditor and viking brent is there like and he's like i can't yeah okay um so ibn abin wapin mayas envoy of the abbasid caliphate meets the urus vikings on the vulgar river in what's now uh russia what he witnesses is terrifying.

3:22Go on. A chieftain has died. Tragedy. Tragedy. Tragedy. And so what the Vikings are doing is they're going to do a whole sort of burial festival. It's a funeral. It's a funeral. It's a big funeral. What they do is they get one of their ships and they like prop it up on the bank or side or whatever. It's kind of like half buried in sand, I think. And he's in there and he's lying down. He's dead. He's fucked. He's fucking dead. Right. And then they scatter, like they leave him with some food and drink, like a banquet around him. Yeah. And then some like gifts. And then they're like, who's going to accompany him to Valhalla?

4:00He's a crew. You can't go along by yourself. Yeah. So they then supposedly get some people up, volunteers, and this teenage girl, teen, volunteers. Now, whether she volunteers or she's coerced, we don't know. What, this slave girl? Yeah, I guess I suppose, maybe when you say it like that maybe i mean to give her a proper title if she's a slave girl then maybe let the free market decide let the invisible hand let the invisible handcuffs yeah i mean it's your fault for being a slave girl i guess if you don't want to do it if you don't want to volunteer you volunteered for that when you became a slave girl anyway she gets uh chosen to accompany the chief the dead chieftain who we must stress this is before you know embalming or corpse management he's lonely in there he's also putrefying right he's like their stinky fish in a tin yeah he's like a rotting corpse right and they they get her and they like i think for 10 days they're but they're drugging her a lot okay drunk mead maybe mushrooms i don't know gear yeah and she's treated really well for 10 days it's a bit like in the aztec series when you're going to be this is all very aztec actually you're going to be human sacrificed they treat you like a king for a year whatever yeah these are the white aztecs these are the white aztecs you know yeah so they she gets you know she has a good 10 days i say that i think maybe she's raped multiple times right um but she's she's drugged compared to what's going to happen that's a holiday yeah yeah i mean the whole thing is a holiday yeah for anyone who's alive at this point this is a good day out this is like at least they can remember something that happened yeah she's then given alcohol and then there's a woman called the Angel of Death who's a fat woman she has to be fat and she has wings and she's the one that's like dealing with the sacrificial victim and then she and some men take her into the ship's cabin and the men hold her down the fat woman the angel of death no the angel the slave girl and the angel of death throttles her and stabs her at the same time.

6:10Right. And then on the shore, all the Vikings are hitting drums to drown out her screams, which are, to be fair, ruining the vibe. Can you stop screaming in there? Just turn it up, yeah. Yeah, turn the music up, would you? Come on. She's then laying next to the king. Does she know she's going to get killed? She must do it. It's a ritual. Yeah, she's... Wait, wait, wait. Because you also... I watched the last one of these. Yeah. Also, you volunteered. You know? You put your hand up or someone lifted your hand up for you. Oh, they also cut a dog in half, I must stress. But that's just in the madness.

6:45They're just doing mad shit. Is it long way or down the, you know, what are they doing? There's that sort of freeze. Yeah, but I think the dog thing, I think I feel that's more. Is it like Slinky from Toy Story and it's like half there or is it down the middle like a cross section? If it's down the middle like a cross section, that's much more mental. I think it's funny to just drop it in half. Back end, front end. Slinky. Yeah. Yeah. We don't know what kind of dog. Maybe an Alaskan kind of thing. Right. Russian, whatever, a Russian dog. What do you think a Russian dog is? What's a particularly Russian dog?

7:14I mean, they all carry their dogs around Hyde Park, these rich people now. Yeah, I mean, it'd probably be like a... Oh, yeah, they're massive. Look at that. Caucasian shepherd dog. Yeah. You're not chopping that. You need a fucking log saw to cut through them, like a tree saw. They probably had one. They probably did have one. Anyway, they then laid them on the ship, more like meals and stuff, and then just burned the whole thing. which does make you think they could have just burned the body yeah or the ship without putting a girl on board and raping her raping her throttling her and for 10 days yeah it's also like fucking hell funerals go on a bit too long anyway I think so 10 days and then everyone there is waiting going like when's the wake yeah when do we have the sandwiches yeah we get it aunt Polly died but also imagine going to a funeral and it being like well I'll see you tomorrow then I guess when does I have to meet them all again yeah Christ can you imagine day after the next day test match funeral fuck that but to be fair much like test matches it grows your attention builds so do you reckon you're coming back being like whoa what's going to happen are we going to get rained off what's going to happen today what's going to happen today what happens if two chieftains die in quick succession well that's a month is it like oh fuck we're back here again back here again you just had I'm fucking funeral ritual doubt to be honest yeah another thing that I think this guy describes I've been I've been wiping my ass is that because he was sort of like he was just wondering about he's from baghdad and he's wondering about and the a lot of muslims at this time are wondering about a lot of the sources of all of this mad shit are always like tim from the office muslims just going what the fuck you don't wipe your ass i've been wiping my ass my name's i've been wiping my ass um he uh yeah so he sees like there's like a dinner they sit down for dinner these vikings yeah and then one of them gets out this preserved horse cock with like yeah with like with like herbs and stuff right like unwraps it in a little box well that's basically fucking swedish food now well yeah it is yeah horse cock in the tin with linberry seed and you know would you like to try the Swedish delegacy woohoo horse cock blowout then they basically say grace right by passing a horse cock to each other but what they say is all the things you could do with a horse cock so the grace is you can shove this up your arse that's like a drinking game that's like a freshers week well that's what I mean about the Vikings what's exciting is Viking grace is a drinking game with a horse cock I mean it's fun once again Christians make it boring without the flattening of Christianity every single little community would make up their own mad shit that's completely unrelated how you know how annoying it is when you go to someone's house and they want to say grace and they're not joking and you're like fuck i just want to eat yeah there's hot food and i've got to say a fucking prayer yeah you know imagine right we're gonna say grace look at this what's that is that dead horse cock fucking right is what do you do with that shove up my ass right you can start eating who's next well you're new you're here you're a guest uh so we've heard what everyone else can do with this horse cock what would you do with that yeah what do you that's basically grace is going show up your ass we've had that had that someone else someone else he said that what would you do think about something else what you could do with this off no no throw it my neighbor brilliant this is supposedly it's 101 things to do with the horse cock it's grace viking grace i mean that's isn't that great yeah and again you know on the rest of history you always hear tom and wanging on about how christianization is the best thing that ever happened to you know because our whole moral framework comes with it man i want to say grace with a horse cock yeah i guess they threw the baby out the horse cock out with the bath water exactly that is a a viking burial yeah because we have that's one of the only directly um uh viewed viking burials but then they found in like that in like tombs and stuff of vikings that they strapped like five bears to a tree and skinned them and like they did so much magic they just killed loads of dogs and bears and horses and just put them all on the ship yeah and it's like nuts yeah i mean to to be fair it would make a protestant funeral more interesting if you're just like a dead dog in the box yeah an english protestant funeral my god there's nothing drier to like there is there's a lot to be said for being a protestant yeah we're just getting on with it but as a spectator at a funeral yeah it's the only time i'm like can we have a bit of catholic zhuzh something something incense yeah we're already sad we sat down and the chairs are uncomfortable yeah and there's nothing visually to look at no and it's just a bloke in a fucking gown yeah talking about my aunt yeah and in a language i can understand so it's even more boring it's so boring i want some incense i want some chanting i want some hysterical wailing i'd like a horse cock maybe yeah i'd like to be offered a horse cock yeah you know at least at the door um anyway so we need to get to i suppose the the what ushers in the kind of end of the viking age is the christianization yeah which now there's a guy called harold bluetooth yeah and this is in the 960s so just i guess i suppose he's an early millennial yeah millennials they are the millennial the original millennials yeah the thousand year they are literally they've got man buns yeah you know they're wearing like smart casual they're to mumford and sons they can't go on the housing ladder without parents help um they're they're losing all their money to their kid old kid alting yeah yeah avocado toast is really like ripping through this community yeah causing economic havoc brunch has suddenly become a cultural cornerstone for the vikings the original millennials yeah and they love random humor that's why that's why their burials are like that yeah let's chop a dog up and put on the ship random let's rape a slave girl for 10 no no bad ideas that's quite a bad idea um there's a guy called harold bluetooth in denmark whose dad is called gorm the old i mean viking names are pretty i mean what would you when was he called gorm the old is it from birth i guess maybe he was like benjamin button and looked fucked i mean some babies you see and you're like that you're like all my friends are having kids every now and then someone sends on the whatsapp thread oh kid and it's like tough one I've got to react with a heart emoji but it's I mean I'm not I'm not liking it do you know what I mean tough one you've got a fucking whopper there ugly baby to ugly adult is how linked is it do you think supposedly the uglier baby the more gorgeous the adult I don't think that's always true no ugly butterflies I think you could see some absolutely fucked babies Charlie, in the fat babies, we need a Norwegian.

14:00I know, I've been looking for about an hour. Really? Is that why you've not been Googling? You've been looking for Norwegian fat babies and you've not found anything? Nothing. I guess because they're all healthy, aren't they? Yeah, they're all healthy. They all eat fish. They all drink fish oil. They're eating horse cock, you know? They've nailed it. Yeah. So Harold Bluetooth is, again, this is the 960s and we must stress that as the... It's the 60s. It's the 60s. You know, the Beatles have just played in Hamburg. the ugly historians would say, the Vikings are not one people. They're a collection of different tribes.

14:32Open your eyes. Open your other eye. I can't. I'm too nerdy. Anyway, so there's boring tribes around Denmark. And Denmark is the one who's been fucking England the most, by the way. Well, because of Danelaw. We're going to get into Danelaw. Yeah, let's do it now. Danelaw is, people don't really realise that, they weren't just raiding. They actually, when they conquered York, they conquered England. and England became part of the Danish Empire. And for a while it was Dane law and it was just one. We were colonised. I mean, I can't, I just can't. I don't believe it. We were fully colonised until, was it Alfred the Great who pushed them off?

15:07Don't believe it. Does it make you feel emasculated to be colonised? Yeah, my balls have gone into my body. And that's why when you go, what's kind of interesting is that, so obviously we have all the fucking. It's never been smaller right now. We've got the Elgin marbles. We've got all that stuff, the British Museum. Everyone wants their stuff back. It's getting bigger. Tell me about Rourke's Drift. It'll get all big. But you know, everyone's got, we've got everyone's stuff. Yeah. It's our stuff. It's our stuff now. Yeah. But the Norwegians do that to us. Yeah, so what have they got over there?

15:34They've got basically an unbelievable amount of coins. Because basically, England was really rich at this time, actually, for Western Europe. We had like a very advanced coinage system, whatever. There was a lot of treasure. Mint. Mint. Yeah. We were mint. We were mint. Yeah. The Saxons were very into coins. how much does that cost yeah exactly yeah now you've taken my coins i mean there is you know lineage in the historians yes people at school i bully yeah you've taken my coins you know bring in all those you know there's machines they have in tourist attractions where you like frank a coin yeah with like a image and you're just like who the fuck is doing that yeah when i went to the london aquarium for my kid's birthday she was just pulling the lever and then she got kicked off by a fucking spaniard who was genuinely like i'm collecting a coin from every fuck i'm like jesus christ yeah state of you yeah who's doing that do gold pile in norway museum so these this is a british artifact yeah that we are are we campaigning for it back i'll say this now i think it'd be pretty tough if we complained no i'm like in any any museum they've got so much stuff and they've just nicked so many things some lot of the kind of treasures from this era are all in norwegian this is devastatingly sad yeah it's heartbreaking this should be returned to its rightful owners if we did get any of this stuff back everything collapses no no no because we've got we've got to let them have it no that's ours yeah that's ours they took it so like the british museum being like a full of african and greek artifacts yeah a norwegian museum the oslo museum yeah it's genuinely full of all english stuff basically dreadful disgrace well absolutely invade absolutely we should invade well when we when we had it during world war ii when we were looking after it we should have taken some of our should have taken it all back yeah yeah that's a opportunity um anyway so uh harold the harold bluetooth becomes i think maybe he's the first king of a united denmark yeah basically unites all the different tribes of denmark and he's the first person to do that he christianizes he christianizes and then he links denmark to norway and then it kind of he's the beginning of the rounding off of the edges of all the fucking the reason rape and slave girl slashing yeah he's like let's why don't we just drink wine and fucking make jam rather than raping slave girls dressing up like furries yeah it's the beginning of the descent into flatback furniture this episode is brought to you by paypal you know how a mom's bag has everything sunscreen snacks a stapler the new paypal app is like that but for your money.

18:12Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweet Greens Fall Harvest Menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels, and crave-worthy flavors in the autumn harvest bowl, maple glazed salmon plate, and roasted bacon Brussels side. The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweetgreen, featuring fall's best dressed.

18:54Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app. Push your limits. Train with precision. See the results. At Equinox, that's high-performance loving. Everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at Equinox. Start today at equinox.com. but he invents uh bluetooth well no he doesn't invent bluetooth he gives his name what alive to bluetooth wireless technology because he's such a great communicator yeah he combines things yeah so that's why bluetooth is a good name for what it is it's a danish thing and even the symbols are the runes put together and there's also a guy what do you mean about that charlie is that not interesting at all interesting bluetooth well that's kind of interesting how about this there was also a guy 100 years later called Torsten Pornhub and he was the first person who ever did a wank are you joking yes of course I'm joking of course I'm joking Torsten Pornhub Torsten Pornhub they called Pornhub Charlie was so nearly in there he was like what is that where Pornhub comes from that's incredible that's unbelievable the Bluetooth fact does that interest you at all the Danes invented Pornhub I mean no it doesn't really interest me to be honest no the fact that what if it was called Poo Tooth then I'm in yeah exactly fair enough I thought you might maybe maybe he'd wake up for one bit of like oh that's he's never once gone oh that's crazy it's something that to be fair you know this is 1500 years ago and it connects to the this is the reason we have that thing that is a part of modern day life I've just turned my blue tooth off now so I don't connect with this like the symbols on the phone nothing poo-tooth would have been good boring fair enough poo-tooth so he converts to Christianity in 965 which is probably because of the reality of the Holy Roman Empire, which is Germany.

20:40Yes. And he's Denmark. So, and he wants to trade with them. Yeah. So a lot of the North mythology works for like, war and battle, but it's not like this. They're not, they're quite flippant with it. It feels like they'll become Christian if it helps with trading. But so apparently a lot of the time they were like, yeah, we're Christian. And then they still like, just sacrifice kids or whatever. But it's not like they're like, they believe in the same way a Christian is like their whole life is about being a Christian. Yeah. That's just their worldview. It's not really like this kind of like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

21:07this is what we believe. No, they'd be like, yeah, I'm a Christian. Can I have some money? Yeah, great. And then they just go back to being a Viking. They don't understand what a Christian is. So they then start, he then starts like burning pagan temples and starts to assert like, it's quite muscular Christianity. Right. Robust. It's robust. Yeah. And he establishes a Christian infrastructure, blah, blah, blah. Are there pagan Viking temples? Well, in Iceland, I imagine there is. What's the parliament in Iceland? Yeah, right. The old thing, the old thing. So when the Vikings colonised Iceland, or were the first people to be in Iceland, basically.

21:43There was no one in Iceland before. There was just Bjork under a rock. Still there. It's all so quiet. And then... Yeah, I mean, imagine that. Find Iceland, then she's there. I'd go turn back. Fucking hell, no thanks. Iceland's first parliament, the Alting. Alting. Alting. It's the Alting. Alting was established in 930 AD at Pingvill, making it the oldest existing parliament in the world. It served as the Supreme Legislative and Judicial Authority for Iceland until 1262 when Iceland came under Norwegian war. Yeah, I guess it's a parliament. But it was like in a valley where the voices echoed. Right.

22:25Because people just shouted down stuff. Don't do that. Yeah, I guess that's a parliament. But it's also like when they say like China invented football. China. And it's just them kicking heads down a hill. yeah it's like well if you did then you'd be better at it yeah it's not really but when you took the head away you didn't give a fuck yeah what is it Vikings aren't genetic are they they are genetic yeah there's Viking blood we're talking about the Norse it's a peoples yeah but could you just could they have gone and made like well the other thing is they were massive they made slaves right Slavs well yeah so a large part so supposedly the word Slav comes from slave because they would enslave Eastern Europeans yeah which to be fair I think would be very good slaves they would be great at it great workers great workers um cheaper yeah lovely pilsner yeah terrible dress sense um but what they do because they because the vikings spread in both directions there are viking raids from like ireland and britain and then they take those people and they send them east to become slaves yes irish slaves english slaves english slaves british slaves.

23:27Imagine that. I've got slave heritage. I was in the fields. This is a GB News talking point. I was singing in the fields. So do I have slave heritage. Why don't we talk about, why are there no films about my slave heritage? I was 12 years of Viking slave. I'm humming green sleeves. I mean, the music doesn't slap quite as hard. Yeah, I'd love to make a film about white slaves and then try and claim it's not political. We could do that. What are you trying to say to this film? No, I'm just telling a story. I've just chosen to tell this one. I've just told you this story. What's wrong? It's an interesting story.

23:58No one's told this story yet. You know, we know all about black slaves. We don't know about white slaves. What was their life like? Who was their master? Must have felt great to have white slaves though. But this is white on white slavery. Right. This is the Norse, the Aryans, taking the Irish. In our community. In our own community. Ravaging us. It's a terrible time to be a white person. We need more, you know, white role models standing up for our community. Yes, we do. oh fuck we haven't talked about blot there's a genuine part of um viking uh rituals called blot yeah i saw that in the notes i don't know if you'd you'd changed it to that no no it's blot it's called blot what is it blot is a sacrifice and it's uh often performed to honor the gods ancestors or spirits of nature so this is the german yeah probably comes from norse as well God's sacrifice, yeah.

24:51So part of the reason, when Hitler's doing that, he is connecting to a lineage, going all the way back to a Viking, who's set on fire to the wrong person, going, blot! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just killed the wrong person. Hardcore. Yeah, pretty hardcore. Blot. So, yeah, so they, blah, blah, blah. They make slaves, they're white slaves. I mean, that is just a minute of silence for all the... White slaves. And you still feel it today. You do, you walk around Russia, you know, you walk around Bulgaria, Romania, as I often go because even though the whites aren't enslaved today the systems of power have still been set up to the point where you still feel it today you do still feel the structural racism of 1500 years white slavery you know I certainly feel when I go to Norway yeah I just don't feel like I'm welcome yeah you know if I go for a job interview at a Norwegian company they'll see my name and they'll be like nah nah do you know what else they do What?

25:50They just touch my hair. Do they? Yeah. They don't even ask. They just kind of touch it. They're always making fun of my accent. Always making fun of my accent. Yeah. Yeah. Well, fuck Norway. Fuck Norway, man. Norway, man. Norway. Norway, man. Even wiping my ass in Norway. Norway made me wiping my ass. Even wiping my ass. Anyway, so Harold Bluetooth signals to start the Christianization of the Viking regions, which will ultimately end the Viking Age, but who's often called the last Viking who we need to spend some time with is a guy called Harold Hardrada. And Hardrada means hard ruler. So he's an erect king.

26:28He's just a fucking hot, stiff-cocked king. Harold Stiffcock. Harold Harddrive. Harold Harddrive. He invented the hard drive. Yeah. There's Harold Bluetooth. There's Harold Harddrive. There's Torsten Pornhub. This is how... These are all the things that we still have today. Sven Myspace. Sven Myspace. There was John Microphone. the simon laptop you know all these vikings um neil cable yeah iron air fryer iron iron iron the air fryer you know all these domestic appliances klaus mouse klaus mouse you know and you say this isn't interesting charlie anyway harold hard drive um the last viking king so uh he is the half brother of olaf who...

27:15These guys are ruling Norway, I think. After Bluetooth made that connection between Norway and Denmark, I imagine it's that kingdom, right? Isn't Bluetooth just Denmark, though? I thought Denmark connected Norway... Bluetooth connected Denmark and Norway. And parts of Norway. Yeah, you're right. So the first Bluetooth connection was Denmark and Norway. So the first, like, I'm watching porn and I want it on the speaker. That's Denmark and that's Norway. yeah just a relatable experience top of my dome first thing i'm watching porn i want on the speaker and then i want to put the speaker outside my neighbor's front door that the first time that happened i'm you know what i'm doing in here that that's what i'm doing you got a problem with it i'm very aggressive when i masturbate at home i want all my neighbors to know and i want to say do you have a problem with it because this is what i'm doing i've got two wireless speakers that are stereo and i just play it in the street if you don't like it here that if you don't like the way we do things here.

28:13Then move. Then move. That's what I do. It's about cultural assimilation. It's how I do things on my street. If you don't like it, you can fucking leave. So, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Harold Harddruck. That now, what's that you've just got up there? That's you and Horatio holding a big Viking baby. A fat Viking baby. I think you maybe adopted him and he's lost. It's a young rapist there. I think you wouldn't know how to hold a baby. Do you not think? I can't imagine you holding a baby. You'd hold it like this. You'd hold it like you see people holding up big fish. Yeah, like a cart.

28:48Yeah, exactly. My worry is that if I have babies, which hopefully I will. That will be everyone's worry. Yeah. I don't want to get annoyed with it and shake it and break it. Yeah, but that is... Are you worried about that? No, that is one of the first things they say in the class. Don't fucking smack your kid about it. In fact, the only thing I remember from that class, which is what it's there for, the anti-natal... Oh, right. Whatever it's called. The anti-immigrant. the anti-immigrant class sorry the anti-natal it's confusing it's a busy schedule you went in with the wrong attitude you only realised halfway through you got anti-natal at 10 then you got anti-immigrant at 11 and sometimes I get the one thing they say is no matter how sleep deprived and annoyed and you know impossible it is don't kill your kids don't shake the baby no because like you know you're holding it all the time and it's like just sleep pull yourself together woman just fucking come on stop crying they yeah that that will fuck them up because the brain's all loose and I'm like what does a what does a shooken baby grow up into what does podcast producer because there's all these things that you hear and I understand it but I wonder if people haven't listened to that and I like what are the lifetime ramifications like what happens if I think it dies I think you literally no it doesn't die it just might get brain damage imagine getting brain damage just from a from being shook as a bubba shook as a bubba what's wrong with that maybe shook as a bubba he's got a down snow that's no drum sugar the bubble yeah it's called shaky baby shaken baby syndrome is it can we get a picture get it get it up get it up shaken shaken baby syndrome I'd like my baby shaken not stirred James yeah James Bond's not having kids I think she's got it maybe oh fuck the faces are messed up pale or blue skin lethargic eyes wait wait they get they return white that one well it's like when you turn the pen upside down it reveals the naked woman you can get the white privilege but they've got down syndrome right so you got it's a real the devil's pack either or anyway yeah Harold Hard Drive now he's Harold Hard Cock Harold Hard stiff Hard Cock Drive he as a baby he's supposedly the Norse saga so we haven't even said what a saga is what is a saga what a day what a day that's a Harvey saga what a day yeah the saga is like Viking for story and so these are kind of in the same way the Greek myths tell us these epic poems so it's an epic story but this guy actually existed and the saga is where we get a lot of this stuff from but it kind of blends myth and reality so that's why it's quite a fun pick so Harold Sigurdsson born in 1015 half-brother of Olaf now Olaf is the head of this bit of Norway and supposedly age three him and his brothers are like playing in a field and his brothers are doing something like gay like farming and i want to raise cattle yeah and then this guy's like i want to build a ship he's like brian blessed as a kid right right and olaf's like oh mother you are raising a warrior yeah yeah yeah they love that shit um there's a particular type of uh autistic speak medieval autism speak brian blessed adjacent where it's very close to chinese if you just up the oh wait so it's just like the the jowliness of it the jowliness of it is so close to yeah and the same way that you could do it curse starmer and it goes to park you've pierced my foot on a spike yeah it's close and then you've got josh willicom sean walsh it's all one line yes it is a lot yeah in the same way that you've got they're all english so it's this this jump is yeah it is very close to a succulent chinese meal but then change up the chinese charge what's a charge get your hands off my penis get your hands off my penis now Chinese get your hands off my penis it's very close as again I'm an amateur linguist has he just died Jack Kershaw gentlemen this is Democracy Manifest Jack Carlson but he I imagine he as we were talking last episode about the Viking mindset it's this guy under pressure being fucking arrested to like performing.

32:56That's the Viking. He's a Viking. There's a Viking, yeah. Gentlemen, this is democracy. Get your hands off my penis. I love it. Yeah, RIP. This is how, in my head, this is how I'm, if I'm ever arrested, I'm doing this. This is you getting cancelled. This is me getting cancelled. Get your hands off my penis. Get your hands, just not people. I think why we love this video is the dignity of the man. Yeah. Being arrested from a Chinese restaurant, how he maintains a lot of... So clearly, absolutely battered as well. so anyway so Harold yeah so as a three year old he's like already chopping shit beating his mum up beating his mum up he's coming home pissed on fucking baby formula there's then a massive there's a massive battle the battle of Stiklestad 1030 where Olaf goes up against all these angry peasants and because it's all warring tribes Olaf's trying to conquer another bit of Norway and the tribe of peasants are like fuck off and then they kill Olaf uh and 15 year old harold is one of the only people like emerging from all the corpses on the right right and he flees uh supposedly gets taken in so like the power of his family is now collapsed yeah he's on the run he's a prince on the run he goes he goes um to the keven ruse and joins the east varangian guard so he goes to constantinople which the vikings call misregard or something?

34:18It's like the most insane city ever. Was it like... There's Asgard. Asgard. But they think it's like Asgard, I think. So Asgard is their city on the hill. Yeah. Their Jerusalem. Yeah. They're like Valhalla, where Valhalla is. They think Istanbul is Asgard, basically. Yeah, which is fucked. Yeah. Yes, please, my friend. You think that's heaven. Pretty lady, pretty lady. But it's not that. This is Christian. They think the fucking... This is Constantinople. This is... They're Greek Christians, actually. Blackstock Road. That's what they think. Right, yeah. or the turkish restaurants yeah yeah mangal green lanes that's what they think so i guess like yeah these were tough scary men and now they work at games workshop yeah yeah that is the problem with a lot of this this is genuinely pretty hardcore you know the vibe is pretty fucking sick to be fair yeah but modern day people who carry this on are the are fat artists with a beard that's the problem it's ruined by its fans which you don't have with the nazis you know i see people talking about the nazis i think i want to go for a drink with you yeah i see people wanging on about the viking mythology and i go get off my lawn right get out my pool yeah go home get a job this episode is brought to you by paypal you know how a mom's bag has everything sunscreen snacks a stapler the new paypal app is like that but for your money shop Pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place.

35:42And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweet Greens Fall Harvest Menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels, and crave-worthy flavors in the Autumn Harvest Bowl, Maple Glazed Salmon Plate, and Roasted Bacon Brussels Side. The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweetgreen, featuring fall's best dressed.

36:21Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app. Push your limits. Train with precision. See the results. At Equinox, that's high-performance loving. Everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at Equinox. Start today at equinox.com. So, supposedly he has this insane life. He goes down to Volga. It's like Eat, Pray, Love. He's like... Yeah. He discovers who he is. Yeah, it's like fucking rape, kill. Yeah, yeah. It's not Eat, Pray, Love. It's Rape, Kill, Pillage. And he goes to... So he's in Constantinople for a bit, joins the big guard, and then the guard go everywhere. Supposedly they go to like Sicily.

37:01They go on tour. And like Turkey. They go on fucking Big Stag do. Yeah. Barangian guard. It's the Jersey Boys on tour. Yes, it's sort of the Jersey Boys. Maybe it's the opposite of the Jersey Boys. He then goes back to Norway in about 1045. Rich, battle-hardened. Yes. And he then kind of like takes... Is there a battle to... Force power-sharing with his nephew, Magnus the Good. Magnus the Good. I mean, what kind of Viking name would you have? I don't know. Fucking Gould the Gobby, or like it would be fucking Gould the Specky, or like... Gould the Specky. Yeah. Charlie the Thick. Yeah. Finn the Fat.

37:36Finn the Fat, yeah. Finn the fat cunt might just be fat the cunt fat the cunt fat the cunt maybe I'll be Specky the spaz yeah you would be Speck the spaz Charlie the tard you'd be retard the thick I think I'd be quite useful retard the thick as if retard wasn't enough no no even amongst retards the thick and you're like their king yeah they bow when they see you what would they have me do would they put me out in the field would they put me into battle or like would yeah you're a berserker no but you're like no you're um someone dies and you go yeah fucking I'll get on the shit where are we going and then you don't no you're a berserker but you've gone to the wrong you've run the wrong direction but me going berserk because I just eat everything yeah exactly I'll have a mushroom and put like a dog on and then just be like what are we eating you have an edible and then you get really high and you get the munchies I'll go and I'll just eat the whole village's fridge and then like fucking hell he's gone berserk he's eating everything He's cleaned out the store cupboard.

38:34He's just downing tins of tomatoes. I've never seen anything like it. That's tin stuff. They love putting stuff in tins, I think. I mean, maybe, is this where fermenting starts? I don't think so. Because it's cold? Maybe. The first pickle. No, I'm sure. In the ancient world, there's fermenting. We haven't placed any of this. They're going to be livid, the thickos. I think the Koreans are doing kimchi. Yeah, ancient world, for sure. Earliest, the first pickle is 2000 BC. Well, we talked about the... First pickle. We talked about the fucking... That's insane, isn't it? That's blown my mind. What, how old the first pickle is?

39:05But I reckon it was, I don't think it was like out of the tubs you get now. I imagine it would have tasted pretty horrible, the first pickle. You know there's a Chinese, the thousand year old egg, or hundred year old egg. You know they do that? No, I don't know about that. It's like a delicacy where they basically preserve an egg. Century egg. A century egg. It goes black. And it fucking honks. Is it nice? No, it's disgusting. It's probably the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth. You've eaten it? Yeah, I've had a century egg. I've had a little bit of it. What does it taste like? Ash. So that egg, when you ate it, would have been put into fucking pickle.

39:36I ate the egg in 2015. So it would have been 1950. It would have been while... Passchendaele. Yeah, so before communism even reached China. Yeah, that's why I was like, I'll have this egg. This is the only pure egg in the world. This is an egg that existed before communism hit Russia. Yeah. Yeah, it was one of the grossest things. It's like eating sulfur. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's hardly surprising, I guess. I mean, the Chinese... I don't know what you kind of expected, I guess. No, I wasn't like... I didn't think it was going to be like a pudding. Oh, this actually fucking tastes like a fucking old egg.

40:06A hundred year old egg. But, you know, to think about it, this is an egg. You know, when you see a tree and you're like, think of what you've seen. Yes. That egg I ate was an egg when Hitler was alive. The things you've seen. It was an axis egg. Well, there's that, the fucking Norwegian delicacy. We talked about it quite a few times. I think it's Swedish. Swedish. Can you find what the delicacies? Oh, man, the videos of the woman who gets it out on the bus. I think we talked about this on the Rise of the Nazis. We talked about this quite a lot, but it is very funny. There's a video of a Welsh woman on an Areva bus, and she opens the tin, and she gets a lifetime ban from local buses because she opens the buried fish dish.

40:48So what they do is they bury it underground, but I swear it doesn't look, it's not in like a can. It's Swedish, it is, it's tinned. It's sour herring, and it's like Baltic sea herring traditional since the 16th century. okay so they weren't doing this sort of stuff they weren't doing it then but it's all but pickling must be how they survive i thought they had one which they buried under the ground that is a year yeah that is that that's it yeah and you said it was to remind them of like how lucky they are to eat good food i guess so yeah but there's now a challenge where you have to open people like english people in their gardens are opening the tin and literally they do that they touch the ring pool and a bit of air escapes and immediately everyone's it's so funny so anyway he then becomes um the ruler of norway 1047 um we should place something yeah 1047 so that's i guess that would be he's a millennial first yeah right so be after the fucking after the fall of rome and before the uh invention of the pizza i guess when's pizza invented 18th century yeah lovely perfect absolutely perfect well i guess that so what i did there was the italian dark ages right yes all of rome invention the pizza is it yeah and i include the i'll include the renaissance in there because when we did it it was very very boring yeah and the whole time i was thinking when did they invent pizza yeah so at some point in the early 11th century um there's a guy called canoe millennial millennial yeah um which yeah i mean i mean it's so hard to not to not look at it like it's just a spelling typo of cunt um canute the cunt canute the cunt fat the canoe um so he was so he he's the i think he's the first viking to sort of make like a an empire the north sea empire north sea empire so he unites those kingdoms yeah canoe can yeah and then i think harold hard drive is trying to like restore these territories to that so is his because everyone everyone in 1066 the whole thing is everyone has a claim to this new uh throne in the power vacuum yeah so i imagine his claim is this reclaiming this empire right yeah so supposedly he's massive he's also a poet which is weird and i sort of try to ignore because it's not my image of what a viking is yeah yeah he loves writing poems whinging he's a whinger anyway he's like a guy who's ripped and writes poetry chris williamson pick one yeah do you know i mean aphorisms yeah yeah um yeah he's yeah he's norse chris williamson yeah chris what what do you think um viking spoken word sort of looks like in I can't I can't think of anything I'd less rather think about than Vikings Viking spoken word long ship I long for my ship yeah maybe the problem with society is there's not enough raping like it's a reverse right what was the thing about Canute who tried to turn the waves back you know about that no Canute Canute in the waves this is like a famous thing well this is probably about periods isn't it King Canute women's periods in the sea he was so he found his wife so mental once a month that he tried to just Google King Cunt King Canute waves King Cunt waves in this story Canute demonstrates his flattering courtiers that he has no control of the elements explaining the secular power is vain compared to the supreme power of God pretty dull stuff actually so he goes look at this and then the sea doesn't move and he goes see I can't do anything but why is he having to do that I guess it's like it shows how like even handed he is as a king piety and humility of a king saying look i don't control the the waves and they're like yeah you're not jewish that's like people are like oh right so he's trying to escape a pogrom yeah exactly i'm not jewish look nothing happens i should say that's like people who want a medal for like not raping someone what i didn't i didn't do it yeah great you're not meant to yeah brilliant look no one's writing like king cunt the great who didn't rape someone yeah anyway we need harold hard drive um so yeah so 1066 i didn't we obviously was like one of the first thing you learn at school i didn't i forgot about the whole viking element yeah because it's the end kind of the saxon age and the viking age all in one year because the vikings have throughout these this time we've been talking about the 200 years they've just been constantly coming and going and there's been ragnoloth brock maybe there's been king cunt yeah they've all been coming and there are various times they control York and the North and that's why Northerners are but what's happening in 1066 what's interesting about 1066 because obviously I feel like we know it so well that you're almost bored of it so you can't really view it as an interesting topic because it's just so dark it's a tapestry in my head which is the least again it's like the most boring thing possible but what is interesting I think is that you have William the Conqueror you have Harold Godwinson and you have Harold Hardrada who are all in their own right incredibly talented kind of once in a generation sort of leaders who either any of them could have won this it was all up for grabs basically yeah and harold hardrider to try and make a claim for the english throne comes in i think through york or maybe hull he lands on the on like up yeah the humber of the humber and then harold godderson hears oh fuck i know that william the conqueror is coming but i've just heard that they're attacking for the north so he gets his men and they iron man run up the whole country in about four days if not less like they sprint the whole way and how they managed to basically defeat howard hardrada who's a great military leader as well who's got a great force is they just won't expect them to have all done iron man so much so much they didn't expect them to have done like ultra marathons and they arrive basically three days early because they fucking sprinted the whole way.

46:52They defeat them at Stamford Bridge. Battle of the Bridge. Battle of the Bridge. Bloodbath. Bloodbath. And I don't know what the lone survivor on the bridge is. Yeah, there was something about there's a heroic last stand by one Viking on a bridge at Stamford Bridge just like killing off the English. So basically it's a tough battle but they do beat them. Hardrada dies at Stamford Bridge. That's kind of the end of the Viking age. He gets an arrow in the throat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So his last words are... Yeah. And is that why Chelsea's ground is called Stamford Bridge? It must be. It must have something to do with it.