McHaggis Atta and The Hunt For Butcher’s Bin Laden | William Wallace (Part 2)

0:00Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolytes. Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweet Greens Fall Harvest Menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels, and crave-worthy flavors in the autumn harvest bowl, maple glazed salmon plate, and roasted bacon Brussels side. The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweetgreen, featuring fall's best dressed.

0:42Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app. Push your limits. Train with precision. See the results. At Equinox, that's high-performance loving. iconic spaces that inspire personal training backed by real data unlimited group fitness classes from yoga and pilates to strength and conditioning elevate your post-performance ritual with saunas steam rooms cold plunges and more everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at equinox start today at equinox.com

1:28welcome back to finn versus history as ever i'm joined by horatio gould freedom of speech right is that what william was no it's scottish trigonometry

1:40william wallace is they'll never take our freedom of speech and andrew murray are um hosting a podcast where they get douglas murray dougs murray loves this talk about the death of the west well that's the thing it's not the left they're all cowards so it's william wallace constantin kissing and andrew murray is the sort of um the thick one

2:06don't call him r he's not my colleague he's a fucking open spot riding on the tails of a soviet academic that's what they are neither of them are comedians the fact they've got that far is this fucking juju magic. But they haven't gone as comedians on that pod. No one's like, that's the funniest pod. No. You know what's got me absolutely creasing? Trigonometry. It's a barrel of laughs. I'll watch it for the laughs. No, but they went on Joe Rogan and they basically... Slagged off the UK scene. Yeah. And it's like, you guys don't... You're not part of the scene. Yeah, that is true. Yeah. It's like me slagging off fucking Soviet whatever.

2:47whatever well what i don't know i don't fuck soviet ballet yeah yeah no yeah the ballet it wasn't as good as people say the bourgeois actually they're not that great you know what you can't even get a fucking gig now because you have to sign a thing saying i won't dance like this or whatever but they got they got you on um to try and say that there's no freedom of speech in uk comedy yeah and then you said no there's not there's loads i'm fine i know and it was that for an hour anyway freedom uh we're talking about william wallace this is part two and we left off last episode with the tantalizing setup of 9 11 in 12 97 yeah the battle of sterling bridge this is this is wallace and murray so the wallace and grommet it's a it's a double act yes yeah wallace and grommet yeah they're in the wrong trousers uh and the english are being led by a penguin with a rubber glove on its head um so to recap william wallace is basically um osama bin laden but he's scottish and he mainly mainly eats porridge uh with meat in it yeah uh the heat up osama butchers bin laden yeah osama butchers bin laden the heat up a butcher's bin and that's their dinner mohagasata flying a spurtle into sterling castle so now uh let's delve into some medieval military history because the battle of sterling bridge is all about terrain i listened to a dan snowdram podcast where dan snow was interviewing someone even more um bigger on the spectrum of dan snowdram yeah about medieval terrain that one as well yeah it was quite tough chewy it was a chewy podcast i had to pause it lots of times and sort of exhale loudly like my dad a lot of that um now if you're if if you're listening we've got the map up on screen uh sterling castle is over a river and there's a very very shit bridge yeah the bridge is tiny it's wooden it's battle of shit bridge is actually what it should be called the battle of shit bridge yeah now the english are trying to take sterling uh castle but english were better trained there's more more soldiers it looks like yeah scots the underdogs in this at this point So this is pre-Agincourt, right?

5:02So Agincourt obviously changes the game for medieval warfare. At this point, if you're on a horse and you've got a fucking big pike or a lance, you're going to win. Brilliant. That's the rules of engagement. It's all about mounted cavalry. Yeah. And it shall never change, they thought. They thought. Yeah. But obviously horses have to get across water. Yeah. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't drag him across. Make it swim. You can come. You may... You can lead a horse to water, but you can't... I think you can make it. Famously, I've seen some videos where you can make a horse. I think you can make it come.

5:39Yeah. Anyway, now, below the bridge on the other side lay a sort of marshy ground and a causeway, a bog, a Scottish bog, which is unsuitable for this heavy English cavalry. Now, the Scots are outnumbered 10 to 1, but they are placed perfectly on the right side of the bog. Right. And it's sort of like the McVeigh at Kong, I guess the high bog they got the high bog yeah they've ceded the moral high bog

6:07um don't get on your high bog um so the English supposedly had a thousand cavalry and 50 ,000 infantry yeah now Wallace and Murray are lying in wait uh and they're waiting for the English to cross this shit bridge yeah and when the time is right they will pounce but because of the way the the river naturally meanders. The English can't see the Scottish forces. No. Because it's round the meanderers. But they know it's there. So the night before the battle, they like talk. There's always this thing about like, oh, the nobles will negotiate and everyone might go home. Yeah. But you'd hope so if you're a soldier, right?

6:44Yeah, I guess so. You must be like, I'd hope this is a false alarm. Yeah. So they offer Wallace peace terms and he's like, get to fuck. Get to fucking. you dick you fuck he says return to thy friends and tell them we come here with no peaceful intent but ready for battle determined to avenge our wrongs and set our country free um we are ready to meet them beard to beard right which uh sounds like one of charlie's search terms um what two beards going at it yeah that's me and douglas murray what's a beard again is it a beard is when a gay guy has a wife yeah yeah okay so it'd be both yours and murray's wife yes yes he's you without a beard he is yes he is you're right you're saying your beard um so you're getting two women to fight who have gay husbands that's what beard beard on beard means and what did we find out what the lesbian equivalent of beard was it trousers is it trousers jockstrap uh purse purse that was purse on purse disgusting absolutely disgusting are there any famous who's like a clearly gay celebrity with a beard Philip Schofield has he still got his wife I don't know has he come out yeah well he had to come out as gay do you want me to die do you want me to come wearing that wearing that little thing no Philip Schofield I think he had to shave his beard yeah I think he was fourth he was fourth I think the son shaved his beard off yeah and like Samson losing his hair he lost all of his powers he lost his hosting gig yeah he lost this morning or whatever he used to know Was it this morning?

8:22John Travolta. That's a potential one. That's a big rumour that my mum loves to peddle. Your mum likes to peddle that. She loves rumours that celebrities are gay. I heard a rumour. Clooney, she's convinced is gay. Is this the Tom Cruise one? No, no. This is John Travolta goes round LA and hires lookalikes of himself to fuck. That's the rumour. Oh, that's interesting. It's a good rumour, isn't it? So it's like, maybe he's not gay. He's just a true narcissist. He's peak narcissism. Yeah, it's not about men. It's about John Travolta. No, it's about himself. Yeah. he's gay for himself and then you've got that tom cruise one right where he he gets like 50 sas guys to chase after him and fuck him you know this one i thought that's you told me this no don't leave me stranded like this no tom cruise has this um this thing where it's like right i've got 10 minutes i'm gonna go hide in this forest and he gets like a delta's force squad to chase after him and the first one who gets him has he gets to fuck him so who told me that then convinced it was you i've never heard that because i can't have just pulled out of the air Well, so it's sort of mission possible.

9:19Yeah. Get bummed by Delta Force. Yeah. Right. Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app. Push your limits. Train with precision.

10:00See the results. At Equinox, that's high-performance loving. Iconic spaces that inspire. Personal training backed by real data. Unlimited group fitness classes from yoga and Pilates to strength and conditioning. Elevate your post-performance ritual with saunas, steam rooms, cold plunges, and more. Everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at Equinox. Start today at equinox.com.

10:27Now, let's talk about the English, who's on the English side. John de Warren, who is Edward I's lieutenant in Scotland. Does he come into other stories, de Warren? Maybe. I don't know what else it is. And then Hugh de Cresingham, who is the English treasurer in Scotland. Hugh de Cressingham. Like D is like Shandipal. Yeah, Hugh de Cressingham. It sounds like a Jamaican say, Hugh de Cressingham. Hugh de Cressingham. So he's the English treasurer in Scotland, so he's like Alistair Darling or something. Anyway. But back then you had to do multiple jobs. Yes. If you were also the chancellor of the Exchequer.

11:01You had to go and put down a rebellion. It's like Alistair Darling being sent out to Iraq. Anyway, Cressingham is obsessed with just getting the rebellion sort of sorted. but Warren, he sort of is more aware of the danger of the shit bridge. So he's like, we shouldn't really go over the bridge. No. But the Crescum's like, fuck it, do it live. Yeah, we'll do it live. So the author of Wallace Peace Terms, he turns them down and there's a guy called Sir Richard Lundy who was a Scottish knight serving the English. He says, if you cross that bridge, it's suicide. Right. And they're like, nah, nah, nah, fuck it.

11:39Because they're like, this is Scottish. Yeah. You seen what they eat? Entitlement. Yeah. Right. Nonsense. So on the morning of September 11th, Warren oversleeps. Now, you know, in the present day, September 11th, that was a good thing. Right. If you slept in, you probably survived. His fatal mistake was that he had a lion. And so the English tricks begin - Now, how do you have a lion? Does that mean just no one wanted to wake him up? It's pre-alarm clock, isn't it? Yeah, I guess I just thought - I thought you'd have one person try and wake you up on the eve of battle. Do you want to place this for us sick listeners?

12:111997 so that is uh that is probably after the invention of cricket no no it's not cricket is cricket is it is cricket no cricket when's cricket invented oh no it's not you're right no you're right actually because it dates back to norman times and something so sorry you're right yeah it was after cricket uh and before the invention of tiggly winks you ever played tiddlywinks i have played tiddlywinks let's have a look 1955 surely not no 1888 1888 why you didn't why surely not why are you so sure it was in the 50s how do you have a strong opinion that's a victoria it's got to be a victorian name right yeah i guess so so warren oversleeps on the morning of september 11th it's a crisp day in new york but anyway we're in sterling where it's probably terrible terrible weather english troops begin crossing the shit bridge before they've had orders to and then the bridge is so shit there's only two horses at a time can go over it so uh now what they think the scot they know the scots are there but what they think is that the scots will let them get their whole cavalry over because that's like crack it right that's crack it that's crag it um but they don't do that and so this is essentially a war crime so they cheated it's cheated it's a terrorist attack by the scotch let me get all of my more significant forces over the bridge first it's not fair yeah so the and then the bog is too boggy so they sucker punched us basically yeah the bog the bog that they arrive on over the bridge is just like a you know it's soup it's too boggy scotch broth so they can't fucking get any traction on it It's Scottish cuisine.

13:51Once enough, English troops cross the bridge. Wallace and Murray give the order to attack. Wallace and Gromit, go for it. Wallace and Gromit, go for it. The penguin is dead immediately. It's essentially like, just as you say, it's a kill zone. It's a choke point. And the Scots, they slash at the horses' hamstrings. Yeah, the hammies are going. I'd say, yeah, the horses are like Michael Owen, 2003. Hamstring's just gone. i'd say 1297 is that the worst time in history to be a horse i think it's only got better to be a horse sure i think that's that's definitely i think that's undeniable yeah i think maybe maybe high medieval is when the horses were worst treated yeah or maybe the transition to cannon balls what when horses were getting shot by cannons yeah yeah when's that i mean world war one horses that's pretty tough as well that is true yeah but this was like you the horse was sort of everything a casualty and so yeah a horse would charge at people with like also how well trained are these horses i know because i know that it's like there's a guy behind it pulling on its stirrups yeah but if i was a horse the guy fucking slashing at my hammies i'll be out of there well yeah it doesn't matter how much i'm you know trained but i guess a lot of death is people falling off horses right anyway the horses are fall and then the english are sort of just killed on the floor uh now hude hude kressingham he is hated in scotland because he's a jamaican man who's their and what william wallace does with hude kressingham is he flays his skin from head to toe and uses a bit of the skin to make a belt yes and maybe also made into a coin purse which is not that's not to say that he was a lesbian he made hude kressingham into a like a man that he then married to cover his lesbian is an actual purse made out of skin purse that he can keep coins in.

15:43So you saw Jeffrey Dahmering decressing him. Charlie's just Googled wearing a belly button as a bindi. Maybe he did that. Yeah, I mean... That would be terrifying. Yes, it would. Yeah, if you're like a warlord, if you wore your enemy's belly buttons as bindi. There's also cultural appropriation, which is probably the biggest crime. Yes, it is. You're right. And it would shock. It would shock medieval Scotland. It's an assault on the senses. They're like, excuse me, their culture's not your... Are you Indian? Because that is deeply, deeply problematic. The problem with that as an image, Charlie, is that a belly button is obviously a recess.

16:23So are you suggesting that you take it... No, an outie. You could... I get... Oh, right, so it has to be an outie. It has to be an outie. Right, sorry. An innie is an absence of tummy. An innie is almost like the opposite of a bindi. It's almost like a bindi would perfectly complete... A reverse bindi. Yeah, it would complete the tummy. Do you ever feel your belly button? Yeah, it smells really bad. Yeah. Really? My belly button smells really bad. Really? It smells brilliant. No, mine just is the smoothest. It's just so smooth in there. It's like unweathered by time or cold. I've got an innie and outie, so it goes in and out.

16:56That's disgusting. That's absolutely disgusting. I've got both. So it's like someone's just pushed the outie back. Oh, that's gross. That's disgusting. Did you do any of your children's belly button, umbilical cords? did you cut it? I think I did cut the second one like the Queen opening a pleasure centre so anyway Stirling Bridge is a absolute disaster for the English it is the English 9-11 I mean it's worse 5 ,000 dead 5 ,000 English English dead as well you know and Murray is the mastermind of the attack is fatally wounded and much like Mohammed Atta yeah Mahagis Atta Mahagis Atta dies uh after the battle yeah was that a first or second oh i don't know he was i know he was the the main guy on the ground he was the mastermind i guess they're all on the ground eventually aren't they yeah but he's the main one first plane so he's like yeah you lead from the front i think you had to have uh stronger uh mental resilience if you were flying the second plane go on because you'd seen you'd gone oh fuck me that was all we're doing yeah but what did you think was going to happen well but i guess in your head you're like i just didn't really think about it because when i see the first one about well yes i guess that is what happens when you fly but that's what i mean it's like yeah we'll fly yeah all right we'll fly planes fuck me that's what that is is it i'm doing that am i shit you know in the second one they put a bit of swazz on it didn't he he like there's like a little bit of like a scurt scurt i want like a donut into the into the i remember that you put a bit of spin on it i think do you think oh this fires me up right so that's is that second yeah yeah he goes in an angle we're watching sorry just for anyone listening we are we're now just watching the 9-11 attacks it's never a good side for a topic is in his happy place let's have a look let's look at the um i mean there's one really good shot this is uh look he's putting spin on it do you think oh i guess because he's at an angle yeah he's like he's fucking going it's the ultimate it's two wheeling the ultimate googly they did not see it coming one plane seven one way they thought it was going off yeah it was leg we're talking about the 13th century 9-11 which is the battle of sterling bridge 5 ,000 Scots no sorry 5 ,000 English die Wallace is graceless in victory yeah he kills prisoners of war yeah He goes after English people everywhere.

19:29The Chronicles say that Wallace is but a savage. This is pure pasty white on white violence, isn't it? It's disgraceful. These are some of the two of the whitest people in the world. He burns schools with school children inside. He slaughters women. He laughs as monks are drowned. To be fair, I think that might be quite funny, actually. With the heads. Oh, with the heads, yeah. Because you just hold them where they're on that bit of the head. Yeah, you don't even touch their hair. Yeah, it'd be like a fun game. yeah rape torture and atrocity marks wallace's progress now historians argue and i would like to agree with them that william wallace is trying to ethnically cleanse the english the english out of the north i mean we'll talk about braveheart on the patron yes one of my favorite things about that was the one of the only times i've really seen it in media an outcry of anti-english racism yes which is i don't think i've ever really seen a mass movement it's quite amazing it's disgraceful actually kind of thrilling in a way yes it's like the possibilities if we can't isn't it it'd be nice if there was a true racism that we could talk about and also if we could actually be genuinely offended and hurt you can write stories about how we overcame the anti-english oppression yeah you suddenly you're the main character like you're a victim narrative yeah it's amazing i would love to just spend a day just give me one please just one what's the english equivalent of the m-word if as a slur what's that what is it yeah what is it the white the white equivalent yes specific english right okay i guess you got pom what i wanted to say is that you can still call an english person the m-word and sometimes it could still be really be really offensive i guess um uh yes what is the white english equivalent and just wanted to make that absolutely clear.

21:14You're not black, you're English. Yeah, what? I don't know. I just, you know, what do the French call us? Like roast beefs or like - Yeah, nothing's too bad. No. I mean - Conker? Conker? You better not fucking call me that, son. You just call me the C word. Conker? You say that with a hard R. But then we can reclaim it in music. Yes. Yeah, we could. You can sit - Look at my Conker over there. Like a Scot can't sing along to some songs because the word Conker's in it. um you're right but but you're right in that there is a sort of little thrill a freudian thrill at the possibility yeah of of there being some anti-english racism it shows how rare it has been in history over the last thousand years that this is like something that still can play today because braveheart led to a huge uplift in the snp yes so it's like it's the closest to like a real issue that could result in some sort of truly anti-english sentiment like we could make a single issue political party or something that could truly affect english people yes so uh william wallace is ethnically cleansing the north of england he is a genocidal tyrant he's medieval scottish hitler uh and what what happens when he returns from the campaign he's knighted disgraceful this is absolutely this is like knighting joseph coney yes it's like giving hitler an obe coney 1297 sir joseph of coneyshire it's a disgrace in 1297 william wallace has made the guardian of scotland oh my god he's got a promotion he's rewarded yeah and he begins preparation for defending his realm he puts gibbets in major towns which we've learned are like cages let's say wooden cages but is he what does guardian of scotland mean well well because it's ceremonial or is it no it's there's not uh because he's not uh noble is it sort of like ministry of defense No, it's like caretaker manager.

23:06Interim. It's like... Carrick, United. Minister without portfolio. Right. So King Edward I, having expelled the Jews, he's like, right, these Scots lots, they're not fucking... They need to learn a lesson here. You're part of us, yeah? So King Edward invades Scotland, leading the army himself. Now, this is where Wallace invents his great battlefield tactic, which is called the Shiltron. which is what um that guy on that podcast said that word a lot children children and it's like a big hedgehog made out of spears right uh so this is where people with like pikes and spears would all sit in a kind of ball and hold their spikes out and then wait for people to charge at them horses to charge and then curl up in the ball sort of yeah a fetal position holding a spear yeah so the english army advances and wallace terrorist that he is just sets fire to everything and his plan is to use scorched earth to break the english supply lines yeah and that's how they developed a lot of the food they still eat today actually was during the scorched earth policy of course just put that bin on the fire what have we got in the cupboard yeah that's great we've got some dog food we've got some oats well i want to just heat that up and see what happens scorched earth scorched earth um scorched earth is yeah that's a delicacy you have that with a whiskey with a wee dram it's just some burnt mud that you have with whiskey uh have we have we talked about the whiskey tasting wheel we must we've talked about it many times but it is absolutely brilliant we should get it up because it is one of the um you know i do think the scottish palate is maybe the most sophisticated sure in that it recognizes it's certainly the most of something it recognizes tastes that to most people would be outside the Overton window.

24:52Right. Or they haven't reached it. A pallet. Right. But Scotland acknowledges things like sulfur, stagnant mass gas. Spent matches. Bakelite. Vomit. Vomit. Elemental sulfur. These are all things you can say when you're drinking whiskey that you... It's a good thing. They're good things. Yeah. Complicated notes. Yes, they are complicated notes. And they also work for the inherent musk of Scottish women. Yeah. Pencil sharpener. You know the little... Pencil shavings. pencil shavings tires tires yeah it's all refined refined whiskey tasting experience now so Wallace is in retreat and he's sort of succeeding at starving out the English right but this is because Murray Andy Murray his mum's taking him away I think he's dead I think at this point I think he died yeah he died in the first battle in Stirling Bridge oh no the thing brilliant

25:53that's quite a good one you just got to put on 33 and a third speed you get Andy Murray

26:07anyway Wallace he doesn't actually have much tactical acumen no he's a thug yes he's a terrorist and it's much like Bin Laden you know you'd make your big great player you fly the planes in then just run like a coward yeah yeah um and so wallace is running away but he's very confident because the success of sterling bridge but it becomes apparent later it was about to become apparent it was all murray because uh wallace has his men on the high ground right so edward charges with his cavalry against the hedgehogs the shilterns yeah but that wasn't working so um what happens is that edward adapts tactics and wallace stands and fights which he should just kept running so what happens on the day and this is the battle of uh falkirk which is just outside glasgow the falkirk wheel what's that i don't know sorry i brought it up what type in the falkirk wheel look at that have a look at that i think it's one of the only ones in the world what is it so it's like can you describe the picture it is a double decker canal the fuck's going on there so like a boat gets in what the bottom of the wheel yeah and then it londonized its way up to the top oh it's like a lock yeah oh wow it's like a it's pretty amazing that's nuts what's the point i don't know why falkirk has this yeah what is the point uh i guess it's to connect two canals together one that's way below the other but one that's in the sky yeah it's a sky canal so it's quite amazing the falkirk wheel but no this is this is obviously this is happening before the falkirk wheel right um crucially maybe it's a response though to the battle yes yeah i guess so they learned the lesson if we'd had canals in the sky maybe we would have been able to fight back on the english um so after the initial cavalry charges edward adapts and uh also the scots nobility who were the scottish cavalry were cowardly uh they fucked off yeah uh and the english because there's a real problem right in scotland throughout the history with their fights the english is it's so entrenched with English money and influence.

28:08Yes. So there's a lot of like disloyalty amongst the nobles and stuff. It's often why the Stirling Bridge was such a moment is because it's united Scotch people, right? But throughout it, their history, there's a lot of this sort of, it's a very permeable membrane. It's like when we got into Afghanistan, we realised this isn't a nation. This is a disconnected band of tribes in mudhuds. And like how we meant to force their sense of being Afghani. Yeah, yeah. It's the same in Scotland to this day. So the Scots' nobility fucked off, and the English bring out the longbow. Is this the debut of the longbow?

28:46I think it is in Scotland, in that they hadn't had the chance to deploy longbowmen in Stirling Bridge because they'd been killed too quickly. So it's the fringe debut? The fringe debut, the Edinburgh debut, yes, the Edinburgh debut, big thing. Longbows are around much earlier. This is like, that completely changes English warfare for like 250 years, pretty much, 200 years. so um it's basically the great advantages that england have as a fighting force that i think tom holland says we don't really have again until the ship of the line what's the ship of the line the one nelson's boats right like our superior ships where it's like one weapon that's so much more technologically advanced than anything else that you can sort of dominate like a gatling gun the thing with a longbow is you expect it takes like a lifetime to learn how to pull one so these welsh longbow archers they've been training since they were like three years old you pull it so hard so it can go so much further and the volley that you can do is what i never get what i never get right is when you see when you see uh this in films like in braveheart which as you said we'll talk about the patron they fire the longbows up in the air and in the air they look like just you know like a paper airplane they've got no thrust and yet when they land they land with such velocity i'm like how have they but it's like a um it's like a stealth you know the the theme park ride yeah you're up and then down you're up and then it'll slow down and then it come it'll come down and reach terminal velocity yeah i just never it never i can't really visualize like a crossbow i would hate a follow volley of arrows i would hate it i used to have a nightmare imagine that i used to have a nightmare right this is weird charlie will like this i used to have a nightmare In the house we used to live in as kids, we had a very long corridor and at one end was my sister's room and the other end was mine, right?

30:27I used to have a nightmare where I would open the door and my bed was like behind the door. So if I opened the door and her door was open, it was like bed to bed, right? I used to have a nightmare. B2B. B2B. A nightmare that she would, she fired a crossbow down the corridor and it went into my dick. And then I'd wake up. I don't know what that means. There's some kind of, you know, people who read dreams maybe could tell me what that means. was it recurring? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a constant fear. I guess she, like, she doesn't, she wants you all to herself. What? What? No one's getting this.

31:02She's trying to shoot your, shoot you so that you're, like, harpoon to her so she can have you all to herself. No, I don't think it's a hard, it's not like a rope on the end of it, it's just a crossbow bolt. Well, she's just trying to disable your willy then. Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. Take it out for action for the good of humanity. Yeah. I had a dream last night that my mate set up a threesome but it was a prank and they didn't actually want to do it. Oh, that's horrible, Charlie. Was that a dream? That was a dream. That wasn't just your evening? No. No, right. Paul's got to check. Fucking you got punked.

31:29I got trolled, yeah, into a threesome. So are you really horny in the dream? I'm really horny. You can't wait for it. They set up on WhatsApp. There was a group chat. It was like me, my friend's name, and then threesome with a blood drop emoji. Right, yeah. But it wasn't real. It didn't exist. Did you rock up and they said, Yeah, yeah. They were just together. Ashton Kutcher's there. what so they just shagging and then like yeah you can fuck off we didn't mean it go away god that really i think that's quite easy to read there's quite a lot going on there yeah yeah that's what you that's your big fear of life is they're always looking for a threesome and you're scared

32:07my point is is that a crossbow i can imagine because it's flat isn't it it's like a bullet but it's an arrow but okay a long bow is always feels like they lose his speed and would just sort of drop harmlessly to the it's a goal kick yeah but from like a 10 year old yeah why well you know like when you're playing football as a 10 year old you have to get the big guy if you're in goal the bigger boy to kick the ball 40 goal kick because in like school football there's a there's a pattern that can emerge yeah where you realize the opposition goalkeeper can't take a goal kick and it or the wind is blowing the wrong way and it keeps blowing back it kicks it in the air and then it doesn't even clear his own defense and then you just score loads of goals yeah you're a goal kick cuck yeah you are you're a goal cuck it's that yeah it's like you have to get the bigger boy to take the goal kick for you that's the earliest experience men get of being a cuck actually was like having a runner in cricket starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks and lists can easily begin to overrun your life so finding the right tool that not only helps you out but simplifies everything as a built-in business partner can be a game changer for millions of businesses, that tool is Shopify.

33:19Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10 % of all e-commerce in the U.S., from household names like Gymshark, Rare Beauty, and Heinz, to brands just getting started. Shopify has hundreds of ready-to-use templates that can help you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand's style, and you can tackle all the important tasks in one place, from inventory to payments to analytics and more. No need to save multiple websites or try to figure out what platform is hosting the tool that you need. And if people haven't heard about your brand, you can get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you with easy to run email and social media campaigns to reach customers wherever they're scrolling or strolling.

34:02Start your business today with the industry's best business partner, Shopify, and start hearing. Sign up for your$1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash realm. Go to shopify.com slash realm. That's shopify.com slash realm. Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade Electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolytes. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen Maple glazed, roasted and edges perfectly caramelised Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured.

34:53You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app Anyway, the Welsh longbowmen they fire loads of arrows and this breaks the big hedgehog and the English cavalry then charge and they slaughter everyone and uh now the longbows range was such that some people thought it was against uh the rules of war but this is pre the geneva convention right um if the geneva convention was around wallace would be taken to the criminal court and he would be sentenced with death yeah he escapes with his life at fort kirk but 10 000 of his men probably use the full wheel to get away maybe that's how he got away is he got on a barge and then somehow got on like a stairlift for a boat and sailed away in the sky.

35:37He's gone. He's out of our reach now. He's on the wheel. Fuck me. How'd he get away? He was on the floor one minute and now he's in a fucking barge in the sky. Anyway, in the humiliation of the defeat of Falkirk, Wallace resigns the guardianship of Scotland and then he fucks off to like, he goes on his holidays. Yeah. He goes around the houses. He goes traveling. He goes traveling. Yeah. He goes to like France. He gets a reen pants from Thailand. Yep. he goes on a sex tour of the Southeast Asia he apparently goes to see the Pope to seek political support for Scottish independence but he doesn't hold any kind of office it's just like he's just doing it and yeah the nobles the nobles want to appease Edward so he's OG S &P sort of yeah it's just a bit much right yeah do you know what I mean we get it you wear you know you're clapping in parliament do you have any other ideas yeah what else you got what else you got lads yeah can we be independent no what else do you want uh exactly you don't know what you want come back when you think of a better idea no you can't have that ask for something else yeah learn a lesson change the fucking record no uh so by the early 1300s wallace is completely isolated because he all the nobles want to submit to edwards yeah because they're tired of all the fighting yeah but from roughly 1303 onwards uh wallace lives entirely underground in scotland like a hedgehog like a hedgehog yeah um so edward ii has a final invasion of badger yeah you could name many animals uh i know our listeners are thick but i think you only need to name one animal okay uh edward the first uh invades uh scotland in 1303 and the scotch leader submits and they now pursue wallace because um it's like we've got into afghanistan we've taken uh kabul the taliban have finished where's bin laden and then on august the 5th thursday no five navy seals find wallace in a butter bad yeah he's got a hard drive with porn on it the tartan bad zone retreat yes and uh a guy betrays william wallace a scotsman betrays him because he's being paid by the english right which is as you were saying it's like that's very permeable so they surprise wallace at rob royston which is just outside of glasgow and he uh he's taken to london 17 days later um oh fuck i forgot to mention there's i watched an amazing documentary tony robinson documentary about this where because the battle of um i think it may be it's the hazel rig with that death is now on a a bull a bowls club a lawn bowls club right he has this sequence where he walks past people playing bowls was he walking around talking to the camera about like and then the swords came down and axes rained down and there's just scottish people playing bowls being like fuck off anyway they do the same thing when he arrives in london and tony robinson um because he gets murdered at smithfield market which is now a meat market he walked through the meat market and you just the shots of people just hacking yeah um mistakes anyway so what is just closed Smithfield it's quite sad Wallace rejects the charge of treason at his trial arguing in quite a snooty way I'd never actually sworn loyalty to the king yeah fingers crossed it's like lad I can't actually be tried with treason because I never it's one of the big hum actuallys yes he's getting the rule book out but the sentence of treason is declared and so Wallace is hung drawn in quarters the classic which I actually didn't really know what that meant until this and it's it's pretty bad so you're hung first though which is yeah but you're not hung to death oh that's why it's bad you're released hung to to to climax auto erotic erotic hung drawn and quartered uh yeah you know you're hung for a bit and then you sort of maybe like dying and then just as you're dying they then cut your um they they them uh the non-binary executioner uh cuts he's got the black hood but blue hair poking out yeah through the thing um they cut open uh your your stomach and your guts fall out yeah haggis yes that's yes and then you mix that with oats and you set it on fire and it's a butcher's bin dish um and then they take the heart out and it's still beating and then they quarter you which is where they cut all your bits out or no then they take you down and chop you up so it's like the average experience of an aztec as a yeah i mean an aztec would not blink at this yeah they'd be like yeah it's tuesday yeah but before even that before he gets hung he is um attached when do you die in the hung drawn quarter is that only when the heart comes out yeah when you're drawn like like one of those um beachside sketch artists yes yeah the big nose there's a caricature there's a caricature is there there's a there's a bosnian guy in paris drawing you with a big nose.

40:37So what happens basically is it starts with a strangle wank. Yes. You get tossed off by a they-them while you're being hung. Then a caricature artist draws you with a big nose. Yeah. And then a magician puts you in a box and quarters you. Yeah. And the crowd goes wild. I mean, it's like, what a show. What a show that is. You've got a bit of live sex stuff. You've got an anti-Semitic cartoon. Yeah. Which is funny how all caricatures are anti-Semitic even though no one's Jewish. Yes, you're chopped in half. but he before all that he's stripped naked and his feet get tied to the tails of two horses and then they drag him through london from i think it's westminster all the way out to what's now farringdon so about two miles tfl strike eh fucking tube drivers honestly but this is the only way this is what happens fucking 60 grand a year they're fucking striking are they this is the only way you get around london yeah they push a button christ oh this is pre this is like when everyone had to get a line bike because they're the choosing but it's like the only way he's cedic's london yeah you have to tie yourself to the horses to be dragged for two miles it's crazy this is pre-elizabeth line obviously he would have just gone the lizzie line oxford uh oxford street uh found the congestion too much yeah it's pre-congestion charge as well so it's just you know it's mad anyway um he's so he get when he gets to the uh hanging bit the pole or whatever the noose uh the gallows uh he's pretty fucked yeah he's messed up yeah so he's hung by a rope with his body dangling he's then hacked down they take the heart out show it to the crowd oh yeah big cheer and the heart goes on beating for minutes maybe maybe even hours is it connected to his body no they take the heart out so he's just on the floor fucked yeah he's fucked he's fucked but he's still alive a little bit no no he's brain dead but his heart's like you are yeah you know how your heart's beating but your head doesn't you know how your brain dead but there's still blood in your sight being pumped around your body yeah anyway so his head gets displayed on london bridge and then the four parts of his body are sent to various locations as a warning they send some of it to sterling as like a i feel if once you courted me sending my body to different parts of the country that's now respectful do you know what i mean i feel like that part of it is like oh you guys there's like a level of like you really cared about you cared about me you're sending me off you're packaging me your first class post across the country no this is the equivalent of when they just dumped bin laden in the sea but this is pre-helicopter they don't want it to be a memorial site right so they chop him up and they just scatter him William Wallace's arm is now a relic to be honest Catholics you give them anything oh Christ they'll make it into a totem disgusting so William Wallace's arm is now buried within the walls of a cathedral in Aberdeen I don't know I mean what am I meant to do with that um but he at 35 years old which is unless it's sticking out high five me here yeah tourists can just slap uh so 35 years old uh wallace is dead which is the average age of a scot i mean is that your age that is my age yeah wow so you know you you're part of the 35 club five the 35 club well you what are you saying maybe i mean who knows you'd be lucky to make 36 if my pre-teen eating catches up with me at some point um you'll get wallace roughly 35 years old wallace is dead his legacy is in tatters when his body's in tatters his body's in tatters um his body's everywhere he's been bin laden all over the country and then uh his so it's this thing where he's not really you know he's not really that much of a big deal and a lot of it might be bollocks and and the only major victory he has is because of the other guy yeah but he's a symbol he's a mythic uh he is a mythic and um his execution inspires robert the bruce uh who was another to take on his mantle and he then defeats the english at bannockburn like i don't know 13 13 or something the thing about robert the bruce is when you have the you want it to be like robert the brave or robert the dignified robert the other white guy first name doesn't really dave the bill you know sam the nigel it doesn't it doesn't actually fill me the ratio the gold yeah yeah exactly yeah robert the bruce well it's it's scottish isn't it they haven't quite got it yeah yeah quite got it right and so uh wallace becomes like a you know yeah as you say like a symbol a myth yeah um no one knows what he looks like what is it charlie apparently bruce can be affectionate an affectionate term like mate or pal so robert the mate robert the pal but why is he turning the chair backwards sitting on it and trying to be our mate?

45:19My mate Robert. Don't worry, you can talk to me. I might be king, but I'm just mates. I'm just like this sort of David Brent. Call me Robert. I'd say entertainer first, king second.

45:33Yeah, I guess he is David Brent. Robert the Bruce lived a more documented life. Yes. That was sort of equally, if not more heroic and a lot of their accolades get blended into. Well, Robert the Bruce actually was more of a centrist and more said, let's accommodate. He, at one point, he - He's Nick Clegg. He is Nick Clegg. Right. Nick the Clegg. He's Nick the Clegg. And William Wallace is Osama bin Laden. So it's like comparing chalk and cheese. Right, right. You know. Another Scottish dish. Chalk and cheese. Yep. On the menu at this Michelin star Edinburgh restaurant is chalk and cheese to start and then a heated butcher's bin.